Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 37. Entry 37

Sunday

So, I have this aunt on my mother’s side of the family. Her name is Josephina and she lives in San Diego.

Why is this important?

Because she has a daughter, Ashley, and it seems she’s getting married next weekend and guess who has to go: Me.

Just when things are starting to simmer between Billy and me my Dad up and says, like it’s some wonderful surprise, that we’ll be heading down to San Diego to attend Ashley’s wedding.

I acted enthusiastically like I was ‘supposed’ to, but, honestly…this couldn’t have come at a worse time! I mean, Billy was just about to open up to me about how he feels! I was going to get the chance to tell him too, finally! Now…I’m under the gun to get this done this week if I ever want what Billy and I could have together to actually happen!

But, I don’t know if I’m…ready for that yet!

What if he doesn’t say it or I can’t get him to say it this week? Should I, then, take the bull by the horns and do it myself? Should I stop being so chickenshit and just come out with it first and let the cards fall where they will?

Oh, God! It gives me a panic attack just thinking about it!

There’s so much at risk going first! I could become a pariah at school! My Dad could find out! Worse, I might have misread Billy completely and he’ll hate me for coming on to him!

This is so frustrating! I need more time! I need to have time to really get it together and make a choice if I want to go down this path or stop myself before I get myself into a heap of trouble.

It’s the same old fears and same old hang-ups I’ve had since the beginning when I first saw Billy. He torments me! He has ever since I saw his face for the first time. Lord knows, he’s given me enough hints that should have pushed away all these fears.

But, they just won’t go away! I’m frightened of coming out to him! More to the point, I’m frightened of finally having to truly admit to myself that I’m gay and that I’m going to have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I’ve already come out once to Chandler, but I already knew he was gay. That made him less of a threat. It’s true, when I first let on that I did like guys, it scared me shitless until Chandler told me it was alright and he wouldn’t say anything to anybody about it. I could stay hidden. I didn’t need to face the decision then. But, now…

It’s different with Billy. If he is straight then I have no assurances he’ll accept who I am. I have no warm fuzzies that he won’t completely turn on me and out me to the whole school and then THAT would get back to my Dad!

This is going to take a leap of faith or nothing.

Again, my warm feelings from yesterday turn ice cold in my chest today.

Billy still thinks about me and would prefer to be with me than with Bobby. That’s reassuring in that, at least, I have no real competition with Bobby for Billy’s liking me. But, as what? A friend or something more than a friend?

I just don’t know and that’s the killer.

In any case, I’ve got some decisions to make and I’ve got to get the courage up to make them.

I don’t know if I’ll manage it this week or fail completely. I’m afraid I’m going to mess this up if I don’t make it clear to myself what I want and what I’m willing to do to get it. I just have a bad feeling about it this week like it’s all going to come to nothing.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been struggling with today. This Ashley Wedding thing has put me on a timer and I’m feeling the pressure. I’ve never been very good under pressure. I tend to mess up and make mistakes for fear of not getting things done on time.

You could say that the only person putting that pressure on me is myself, but there is a real danger here. It could be that if I don’t come out to Billy this coming week I might just lose him for good! If he is waiting for me to admit to him my feelings and I don’t do it soon he might give up on me! Especially, when I tell him I’m going to be gone a week and that will be another week of him waiting and wondering.

Why couldn’t I be straight? Things would have been so much simpler if I could have just liked girls. I wouldn’t have to worry about anything else other than her rejecting me. I know that’s tough to go through, but it doesn’t come with all the ‘am I Out or not’ stuff a gay guy has to deal with. If a girl rejects you than it doesn’t look shameful in front of other guys. It’s to be expected. Sure, you might get teased a bit, but not beat up and completely ostracized by society!

More importantly, if it ever got back to my Dad that I was trying to date girls and struggling a bit, he’d be more than supportive of me. I know he would! But, I don’t think he could ever be supportive of me being gay. It’s just not in his belief system and yes, sometimes, I still struggle with that question too. Should I still believe that it’s alright to be gay or not? Am I really going against what God wants for my life or am I being led astray? But, then, another question is, why was I made to like boys in the first place? If God makes no mistakes than why would it be a mistake if he made me gay?

I apologize, Mr. Hacker. I drive myself crazy with my stupid back and forth thinking too.

That just points out the main deal here: I’m always going to have these doubts and worries. What I need is the courage to face them…not assurances that they don’t mean anything.

This is Brandon, needing courage.