Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 29. Entry 29

Sunday

Even though my mind is still in a wheel over what happened over at Billy’s yesterday, I was very surprised by an email I got from Chandler last night.

We’d completely forgotten about the debut of his musical play he is doing in Lakeview! He didn’t sound mad about it, but he did seem disappointed. I am so sorry I completely forgot that! I so wanted to see him perform as Willy Wonka, but there’s been so many distractions lately! Between Billy and school, I’m surprised I remember to put my underwear on under my pants instead of over them!

Chandler was cool about it, though, and sent a couple of tickets for tonight! I’ve brought it up with my Dad and he is just as surprised and unhappy about missing the debut as I am. He cleared his schedule for this evening just so we could get down there and see him. Apparently, it’s a great show and it’s getting rave reviews! I can’t wait to see it!

The rest of his letter was very interesting, though. He spoke about working to make dreams become reality and that I have to be true to myself to make that happen in my life. He feels that I’ve already made that happen between Billy and me. I don’t know about that yet, but Billy and me do seem to be moving right along! If yesterday is any indication of how things are going between us then I really do think Billy and I might have a chance.

But, Chandler did say that it was up to me, now. The ball is in my court now. I’ve got to match Billy’s courage and tell him how I feel about him. I keep telling myself that over and over and I got so very close yesterday of doing it, but then his Mom got in the way! I was so close to saying ‘I love you’ right back at him! I was all ready to do it and then…neeeert! I never got the chance!

That’s ok. I’ll do it the next time Billy and I have some alone time together! I really do want to ‘view paradise’ like Chandler says! I can only imagine what kind of paradise it would be to be in Billy’s arms and kissing him! Just kissing! The sex stuff…well of course, but…just kissing him for the first time…that would be paradise for me!

If I can imagine it then I can make it happen! Chandler’s right. The door is open for me to get that kiss…I just have to take that leap of faith and commit myself to my love for Billy. What others think about me can’t matter anymore. I need this.

I need Billy! I will have him. It’s as simple as that…

~

What an AWESOME performance!

Chandler is a frigging superstar!

He killed it! I swear to God! He fronted the whole choir and that choir only served to support that fantastic voice of his! When he sang Pure Imagination I cried. I really did! It’s such a beautiful song and Chandler singing it after that email he wrote to me…it was like he was singing it just for me. What’s more is that during the performance he picked us out of the crowd and I saw him smile as he was singing. I think it added an extra ‘punch’ to his vocals too! So beautiful!

I’m not only a fan of Chandler, but of the whole Chicago Gay Choir too! I think that they had new songs written just to fill out the musical theater part. I remember seeing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and there weren’t as many musical numbers as you might think. Whoever wrote the score for their performance needs a Tony Award! The music fit perfectly with the rest of the score and Chandler nailed each song!

Oh geeze…now I’m a music critic? Get over yourself, Brandon!

Anyway, I think I’m friends with a budding Broadway phenomenon if Chandler ever gets recognized for the unbelievable talent that he is!

You know, there’s a stupid part of me that feels if Chandler had been closer to my age and hadn’t been taken by a hunk like Daniel that we’d have been, like, together. You know? He just puts stars in my eyes at times. I guess it’s normal for a kid like me to get crushes on people older than they are. I don’t know how wrong or right that is, but…there it is, I guess.

But, speaking of star-in-the-eyes crushes, just before my Dad and I went to the concert, I got a surprise call from Billy!

Aw, he was so cute on the phone! He sounded so bashful and awkward. He must have been thinking about him saying he loved me yesterday as we were playing footsie, hehehe! He was so weird on the phone, though, that I didn’t feel like it was the right time to bring it up. I didn’t want to scare him off. I was a little disappointed because I so wanted to return the favor. But, if he was acting that weird about what he said then he’d, probably, have gotten even more weirded out by me saying it. So, we had a few laughs and chit-chatted a bit, but finally he had to let me go. I didn’t really want to, but I did go since I didn’t want to be late for Chandler’s show.

I hope, someday, that Billy and I can get over this awkward stage. I need to tell him I love him back! He’s come out and said it to me, I owe him a response! I just can’t understand why things keep getting in the way!

Maybe, they’re just excuses. I’m still having trouble committing to this whole gay identity thing. I’m still afraid of it despite all that Chandler’s advice has done for me to accept things.

No…Nope! I won’t be distracted or discouraged from doing it! I will tell Billy I love him to his face! I’ll do it soon! I promise! It is about time!

This is Brandon making promises he hopes he can keep.

Monday

Grrr!

I mean seriously, grrrr!

Not to be gross or anything, but I had this feeling today. You know the kind where you’re masturbating and then someone calls you and you have to stop and do what you can to hide yourself and never get to finish? Yeah, today left me with that kind of feeling!

No, I wasn’t physically masturbating and got pulled away from it! I…did get to finish that, but I didn’t get to do the other thing I wanted to do today. That would be talking to Billy about…socks and stuff.

It was so disappointing! I was so looking forward to seeing him again after Saturday, but he ‘had to do something’ today and he seemed really anxious about it. I couldn’t help but smile and blush as I had my brief encounter with him today. He was so damned cute today! His blond hair was parted in the middle and the two bangs that created just covered his eyebrows. That, for some reason, made his big coca-cola eyes just sparkle. He was blushing too and I could see it on those high chipmunk cheeks of his. He wore a blue patterned button down shirt and his customary cargo pants. He looked so fine I wanted to take his tennis shoes off and put his whole foot in my mouth…as well as other things! Boy, I’m really developing a foot fetish!

Seeing him that beautiful today was almost a taunt since I wouldn’t get a chance to see him again until tomorrow. I’m glad I’m getting the chance to capture that image here so that when I read this blog-journal-thing again someday in the future I can remember Billy just like he was today! It was pure Billy with no corners cut today!

I wouldn’t have gotten to tell him the ‘L’ word today, though, because we wouldn’t have had enough privacy for something that important. I won’t ever feel safe doing that with Billy at school. That’s just not the place for things like that. Even way out on the grass, I don’t feel safe letting out my gay identity. It’s just too dangerous. Who knows who’s watching us and why! I know ‘paranoia will destroy ya’, but in this case…no. No it won’t! It can only save us a lot of pain and misery from the bullies at that fucking school!

I was reminded of them today because I had a less than happy meeting with Stevie. I even saw for myself what he must be going through lately since, right there while we were talking in the hallway, someone called out to him ‘hey little faggot’. It caused him to wither like a leaf in the Fall just hearing it. I felt a fierce need to kick someone’s teeth in, but the coward had disappeared before he could be identified.

To his credit, Stevie didn’t cry like I’m sure he wanted to, but I could tell that it bothered him a lot. I asked him if he was ok and he told me, “Yeah. I’m…getting used to it.” This was obviously a lie to save my feelings because rather than looking like he was ‘getting used to it’ he really looked like he was being broken down by it.

I walked him to class, but we really didn’t talk that much. He just kept his head down and shuffled along with me. It, kind of, broke my heart a little seeing Stevie like this. They must be getting relentless to break him down like this. Stevie is a tough cookie. He’s kept up a brave ‘fuck you’ kind of bravado about this sort of thing for as long as I’ve known him. He seemed completely unapologetic about his appearance or the fact that it made him a target. But, apparently, all of his Emo friends have been singled out lately. Stevie even told me that some of his friends were changing their looks to be more ‘normal’ just to escape the ridicule!

Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with people? Somebody wants to dress a certain way, act a certain way, love a certain way and what happens? The ‘Normies’ come out of the woodwork to bludgeon them into something they consider more like them. Worse, they don’t even want the ‘weirdos’ joining their elite club of ‘Normies’. They simply want to destroy that which is not them! People fucking suck! Especially High School kids. Stevie is a diamond in the rough! He’s got such a big and open heart and is so accepting of others that he’ll do anything for them! I’m not kidding! All he asks is that you let Stevie be Stevie without judgement.

Yeah, good luck with that with the asshole ‘Normies’. They will not tolerate anything they don’t understand. It must be some horrible human instinct that is left unchecked in High School. An instinct to kill what they can’t recognize. There must be scientific studies on this sort of thing. There’s got to be. Maybe, I can find it online or in the library? I’d really like to understand what’s wrong with people.

But, I understand them enough to keep myself safe. I try to be as ‘Normie’ as possible. For my Dad’s sake as much as my own. I’ll never turn on someone just because they are different, but, for myself…I try to keep it safe, you know?

I suppose, though, hanging around with Stevie might be considered ‘abnormal’ and thus ‘destroyable’ in the eyes of certain idiots, but I won’t go that far down the rabbit hole of normalcy. I’ll be friends with who I’ll be friends with and the ‘Normies’ can be damned to Hell!

But, that’s just being friends. I couldn’t stand it if Billy got caught up with the kind of misery Stevie has to put up with and I won’t be the cause of it. Billy is ‘normal’ enough to be considered ‘safe’ so, as far as I can tell, he’s not messed with that much. If we started to act too close in public, that could easily put a target on his back. Mine as well, but I’m not as concerned with that, really.

So, I won’t confess to my love for Billy at school. I refuse to pull him into as intimate a thing as that in a place as dangerous and underserving as the High School. That confession needs to be in private, just between the two of us. Somewhere safe where we can be ourselves without the ‘Normies’ attacking us or family not understanding us.

On the other hand, I saw the anomaly that is Jimmy LaPlane walking along today shortly after getting Stevie safely to his next class. He even smiled and waved at me as we passed each other in the hall. He looked so happy! I had to wonder what it was that had him so giddy. Also, I had to wonder why Stevie should get messed with and yet Jimmy gets a free pass.

Do we seriously have to attempt suicide to get any chance to be ourselves in that place? That’s all KINDS of messed up!

I also had to wonder how long the ‘Normies’ would keep Jimmy as their pet ‘weirdo’ before turning on him and tearing him apart. For Jimmy, I fear for him. He probably wouldn’t survive what Stevie is going through. Such a complete about-face by his ‘friends’ would surely push him completely over the edge! I’m afraid he trusts too much in his situation at the moment.

You can’t trust things in High School. People there are far too treacherous to ever trust them completely. But, that may just be a failing of mine. Not trusting enough.

Maybe, that’s part of my problem holding back my face-to-face confession of love to Billy. I love him…but, can I trust him?

This is Brandon wanting to trust…