Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 46. Entry 46

Thursday

Ok, my heartache for Billy and my shame for my cowardly stupidity aside, I seriously had one of the best times in my life today!

For the first time ever, I got to go to Disneyland!

My Dad wasn’t expecting it either and, I’ll tell you, I’ve never seen this side of him before! He was as excited as I was and he was acting just like the kid that I am! He was even wooting! It was almost embarrassing seeing him go from being ‘Mr. Dad’ to Brian the eight year old. He even high-fived me!

Apparently, Aunt Josephina and Uncle Walter got some kind of group deal on tickets and invited the gaggle of us to join them. It was a wedding gift for Ashley and Beau, primarily, but they had the deal for eight people. There was just the seven of us so I didn’t know who was going to be the eighth member of our party. I was soon to find out.

So, Aunt Josephina and Uncle Walter picked us up at the hotel. Anne was with them, of course, and my Dad made sure to sit so the she and I could sit together. Anne and I were both really excited about this trip! We spent a good part of the ride up to Anaheim with her explaining her favorite rides and other things to do at Disneyland. Apparently, this was her tenth trip up to the Magic Kingdom!

She also told me that Ashley, Beau, and Beau’s friend from college were going to meet us up at the park. I asked about the friend and she told me he was a cool friend of Beau’s named Alexis. I was curious, so I asked for a few more details on this Alexis person, but Anne wasn’t very specific. Apparently, he is a very nice guy who is also very good looking. Her exact words were ‘model material’.

I’ll say the car ride was a bit long, but not bad. It was about two hours. Like I said before, two hours doesn’t get you very far county-wise in California! We merely cleared San Diego County and reached the center of Orange County in that time. The drive was a bit boring, but I did get a nice view of the ocean through a lot of it. For me, that was special! I never get over how BIG the ocean is until I visit a coastal town. I mean, Lake Michigan is huge, but there’s something about looking out at the open sea that hits different.

After our two hours of crazy-assed traffic, we finally reached Disneyland and I could see some of its rides quite a ways off from the actual park. I could see the Matterhorn ride particularly well since it looks like a small mountain rising out of the middle of the generally flat terrain around Disneyland. We arrived and parked in an huge parking structure and walked quite a ways to the enormous front gate!

When we had our group tickets validated, we went in and there I was at Disneyland! At last, at last!

What’s more I met, possibly, the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on and that includes Chandler! Alexis is someone from another world! I swear I’ve never seen anyone quite like him outside of a Greek statue! He has soft curly black hair that hangs just over his eyebrows, the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen, a chiseled face that is tanned to perfection with high cheekbones and a sculpted nose! He also has a body that won’t quit! His six foot frame is obviously muscular, but not bulky. He wore a tight black t-shirt and tighter black skinny jeans that showed off his beautifully bubbled butt and defined his package. He is seriously jaw-droppingly gorgeous!

I looked at him, but tried not to, if you know what I mean. When we were introduced, I must have been blushing like crazy when he shook my hand because I remember feeling all hot and flushed in my face. His smile is a blessing from God, I swear! When Alexis smiles at you it’s like your whole life suddenly means something, you know?

Looking at him I instantly felt guilty. To see so much beauty in one place and suddenly lusting after it like I was…well…I felt like I had further betrayed Billy! I felt that way through our entire visit to Disneyland, because Alexis stuck with us throughout the whole thing. What’s more is that he paid me quite a bit of attention. He’s not only beautiful…he’s charming too! How can anyone be that perfect? He’s humble! Can you believe it? He’s a Greek God and he’s humble about it! It was just…cute! I don’t have any other words for it. Alexis’s personality is just as beautiful as his looks! Where did Beau ever find a guy like this?

But, every time Alexis paid me any attention, I immediately got shy and sad at the same time. I think I came off completely awkward. So many conflicting emotions at once! I could hardly speak in his presence. Alexis appealed to my hormones, but at the same time he challenged my love for Billy and my worries about my continuing being Gay or not. How could I deny my feelings? Alexis is just perfection and I couldn’t help but feel the attraction.

Maybe, he is the final test. There’s no way any self-respecting Gay guy could deny feeling attracted to someone like Alexis. I mean, he was so beautiful he had virtually every girl in the lines for the rides looking at him open mouthed and whispering to each other.

He just confirms to me how Gay I am. I can’t deny who I am. Not anymore. Not when I act like a lovestruck schoolgirl in front a man that completely irresistible.

I wish Billy had been with me. His reaction would have proven to me that he’s not joking about being in love with me. If he looked at Alexis and got as stupid and awkward as I was today then I’d know he wasn’t bluffing and that he really is Gay and he really does want me.

Anyway, Alexis was definitely a big distraction from everything else we did at Disneyland. I went on most of the rides, including the scary ones like Space Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain, and the Matterhorn. It was fun, but I don’t think I got the full impact of everything. If I can’t even enjoy Disneyland because of this Billy thing then Chandler’s right! I need to do something about this and soon. Either cut my feelings off and forget about Billy, or fucking tell him the truth about what I’m feeling and let the chips fall. He’s already confirmed he ‘loves’ me! I need to return the favor and just see what happens. I can’t do this anymore!

I have to confront this. It won’t ever go away and if I don’t do something soon I’ll be forever wondering what things could have been like if I’d just told Billy I love him too!

No more scardy-cat! No more screwing around! I’m Gay. Alexis has proven that for me. I love Billy! He LOVES me! This is a no-brainer!

I’m going to come clean with him. I have to! I’ll lose my sanity if I don’t!

This is Brandon managing to fuck up a trip to Disneyland with my bullshit!

Friday

So, I’ve got everything packed back up in my big rolling case I used to bring my stuff. Everything, but this little notebook I’ve been writing in. I really don’t think I needed anything anywhere that big to carry the few things I brought to wear, but my Dad insisted that it would make things easier to put everything in baggage so I wouldn’t have to fight for space in the carry-on bins on the plane.

Aunt Josephina invited us up to their house for a ‘farewell supper’ as she called it. Typical of my mom’s side of the family, everything has to be celebrated with food of some kind. I couldn’t complain! My aunt seems to be a better cook even than my mother was…and that’s saying a lot! She cooked up lasagna for all of us and, I’ll tell you, it’s the best thing I’ve eaten in a long time! It almost made me cry at the table because it was so much like my mom’s. I’m talking serious nostalgia here.

Unfortunately, Beau didn’t bring his sexy friend Alexis around this time. He will just have to be a memory I carry with me from yesterday’s trip to Disneyland. I still can’t get over how absolutely gorgeous that man is! I get hard just thinking about him! There’s no doubt about how Gay I am if even his memory gets me this hot and bothered!

I tried not to think of Billy too much. I’ll be home tomorrow and I can worry about him then, I suppose.

I’ve been thinking of an email I need to write to Chandler about all this. I need his advice again, I think. He’ll be interested, anyway, in what Billy said to me last Friday. At least I hope Chandler will be interested. I’m sure he must be sick to death of my wibble-wobbling back and forth constantly with what I should do about Billy. But, I’ll chance writing him again. Maybe Chandler can give me the final push I need to return Billy’s love like he deserves.

This is the wibble-wobbling nostalgic Brandon going home.