Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 35. Entry 35

Wednesday-Thursday

More of the same.

I guess I’m being super mean to Billy with my silent treatment. But, it hurts so much having to be near him knowing he’s caught the full attention of Bobby Jinette.

I honestly don’t understand why he keeps coming over to my table when he could be off with Bobby having lunch or doing…whatever.

Yes. I know my jealousy is completely unreasonable. I mean, except for some very specific things Billy has said to me over the last few weeks, I’m still not completely sure he’s Gay and into me like I hope he is.

I’m still in limbo and, like I’ve said, it hurts to think that if he is Gay that I’ve missed my chance at happiness with him. I just didn’t have the courage to come out and tell him how much I wanted him.

Now…he’s got Bobby. Why would he want me anymore?

Yet, he keeps coming to my lunch table hoping things will be like they were. It tells me I’ve been all wrong about how I thought Billy thinks of me. I’m just a friend…a lunchtime companion.

Nothing more.

I suppose that should be enough. At least having Billy as a friend is still having Billy as…something.

Mentally, this is like that game of ‘footsie’ we played. So close, yet so far. Touching, but only through socked feet and in a way that has no real meaning. Footsie can be a silly childish game that too friends play when they’re fooling around. I’d like to think I’m a little old for such games, but obviously I’m not. But, could I have misread all that? Could I have misread all the lingering looks, bashful blushes, and even some half-imagined ‘I love yous’?

Tonight, I thought about calling Chandler to see if he had any wisdom he could give me, but I didn’t. I figure he’s said his piece. He’s left it to me to choose what to do next. I know what I should do, but I don’t have the courage to do it. Chandler would tell me what I already know, I’ve waited too long to tell Billy how I feel and now he’s found someone else with much more courage than I have. Someone more than willing to give it his all to finally capture Billy’s precious heart!

Maybe, Bobby deserves Billy more than I do if that’s the case. If he’s willing to take the chance of being outed to someone he’s not sure would even like him in that way then Bobby probably does deserve Billy more than chicken-shit me.

This is starting to seriously get to me. I felt like ditching class Wednesday and just going for a long bike ride away from school…away from Billy. I stayed the day if for no other reason than I know that the school has my Dad’s cell phone number and that he’d be instantly informed of my ditching. That would only add punishment and him being ‘disappointed’ in me to my misery. Seriously, as much as this Billy thing is hurting my heart, I don’t know what I’d end up doing if my Dad grounded me or punished me in some other way. I’m suffering enough.

I really think my heart is either breaking or near to breaking. It makes me afraid now. Afraid what this feeling would be like if I ever really did capture Billy’s heart and we actually did become boyfriends.

If he ever betrayed me…would I be able to handle it?

Maybe, this Billy thing just wouldn’t be worth it. Maybe, that’s why it’d be best if Billy gets with Bobby instead of me. Bobby looks to be strong enough to handle himself if he manages to first catch Billy and then lose him. He doesn’t seem to be nearly as fragile as I am.

So, with all this boiling inside, I have endured having Billy at my lunch table. He is still beautiful to me and always will be. Just having him near gives me a kind of comfort, as unjustified as it might be. But, talking with him…hearing him continue with how he keeps ‘thinking about me’ when Bobby is so near to his grasp - this fires up the jealousy bug in me again. I find myself getting angry all over again. Angry and then sad and then filled with despair - a chain of feelings I just can’t seem to control.

I should just let Billy go. I’d save my sanity if I did. But, I just can’t yet.

If all of this wasn’t enough, I’ve got other things going on that I find a little crazy and disturbing.

This thing between my Dad and Marilyn seems to be heating up.

He’s been doing something he’s never done before with me. He’s come to trust me enough to leave me alone at home some nights! Not that he’d ever have anything to fear with me at home. I’m never likely to throw any raving parties or anything, but it’s just a weird situation.

I know he’s spending the night over at Marilyns’ and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m used to having my Dad all to myself, you know? It’s just strange having to actually share him with someone else! My jealousy bug is already eating away at me over Billy. Must it eat at me over my Dad too?

Then there’s the whole religious angle on all this. I wasn’t born yesterday. He’s obviously spending the night over at Marilyn’s for a reason other than just sleeping. Doesn’t that go against Church teachings? I mean, I guess it’s fine for me to be a gay abomination lusting after people of my own sex, but this is my Dad we’re talking about here! He’s the most moral person I know! If he can just let his morals go to be with some lady he’s only just met then how can he be the example I can never live up to? Can he be just a regular guy…just like me? A guy with needs and wants just like any other guy? Naw! This is my Dad we’re talking about here! He can do no wrong! Right?

Anyways, I’m left alone at night sometimes and it’s weird and lonely. Being in your house at night with no one else there can be a little scary. I notice I wake up to every little sound I hear when I’m in my room trying to sleep alone…in the dark! Is this what my Dad does? Does he wake up every time he hears something? Is he tired a lot because he doesn’t get any sleep from being awakened every fifteen minutes? The poor man!

I’m wondering if my lack of sleep could be part of the reason I’m so emotional and unreasonable with Billy? It might be a factor! Who knows?

I have been tempted to ask my Dad if I could have a sleepover with Stevie when my Dad is planning on being away for the evening. But, I can already guess that’d be a big fat NO. He might have a point. I could totally see Stevie inviting some of his other friends over to my house and then we would be having a party loud enough to scare the neighbors. It might be worth it though…

…I don’t particularly like having the house all to myself at night and with this Billy thing going on…it just seems to make my life all that much lonelier.

This is Brandon, The Lonely.