Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 36. Entry 36

Friday

Well, it seems that my silent treatment deal with Billy has ‘worked’…completely unintentionally I might add.

Billy was nowhere to be found today.

I waited for him at our usual lunch table and he never showed up! I was all prepared, today, to apologize for being such an asshole to him and to ask for his forgiveness, but he never appeared so there went that plan!

I ended up taking my lunch outside on the grass. True, it was a little cool to be outside today, but the cold air seemed to refresh me a little. It’s funny, I’ve never been much more than a loner all my life. I’ve always felt too awkward to just come up to a group of people, introduce myself, and sit down with them. That seems like such a weird thing to do that I never do it, so I have ended up eating lunch alone most of the time. I’d become so used to it that it never bothered me before.

But, now that I’ve had the constant companionship with Billy at lunch, I find I have a hard time eating alone! Even if there may be no possibility of my becoming his boyfriend now, I at least had him as a faithful lunch companion. A friend. Someone I’ve needed for a very long time. It is so stupid of me to lose such a good friend over some jealous bullshit that probably doesn’t mean anything anyway! I mean, it’s possible…quite possible…that Billy and Bobby are just friends and Bobby is excited about that idea. That’s why he seems so obsessed with Billy!

I shouldn’t ‘color everything I see with my own lens’s filter,’ as Chandler puts it. Just because I have the hots for Billy and obsess over him because I’m secretly in love with him doesn’t mean that every boy that takes an interest in him is also hot for him. For instance, I strangely don’t feel that way about Jamie taking an interest in Billy and there is a possibility of something romantic actually existing! Jamie is unbelievably cute and I definitely question his orientation and he obviously notices Billy, so…

Wait! Oh great, now I have to worry about Jamie stealing Billy away too?

No…I won’t go there.

My whole deal here is trying to convince myself that Billy would make a great best friend no matter where he hangs his hat romantically. Our relationship can easily be that of ‘just’ friends if I just allow it to be like that.

If only my heart and my brain would cooperate! My brain tells me that Billy would make great ‘friend’ material while my heart…~sigh~…just wants what it wants!

I continue to twist on the end of Billy’s fishing hook. I can’t seem to get off of it no matter how much I try to convince myself of other realities.

Well, whatever. Tomorrow is Saturday and I’ve got to make my peace with Billy one way or another. Whether he’s just a friend or the possibility of being something more than a friend, I’ve got to reach out to him and apologize for being so mean to Billy. I…love him too much to do anything else.

I miss him at my lunch table. I miss him in my life.

I’ll take him however I can get him whether that’s as a friend or a lover.

This is Brandon wriggling on the end of Billy’s fishin’ pole (that just sounds wrong, LOL!)

Saturday

I got two out of the blue phone calls today.

One was not one I really wanted to take and the other was one I definitely wanted to take.

The first one came from Bobby Jinette. I don’t know why he thought I wanted to hear from him, but there he was…on the other end of the phone…talking to me.

Something Italian in me wanted to bust out with the question I really wanted an answer to: “What the hell do you want from Billy?”

I didn’t ask that, of course, but I might as well have gotten an answer to that very question anyway. Bobby was nice enough. He actually wanted to know what I was doing and if I might want to go out and do something with him. I declined politely though I wanted to laugh in his face…figuratively that is…since we were just on the phone.

I thought that would be the end of our convo, but unfortunately Bobby continued to blather at me. He must be lonely or whatever to need to talk to someone he hardly knows so badly. I continued to be polite to him long after I had any reason to. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t seem to be able to say ‘no’ to people. I could have kicked myself, though, because I let the conversation run on too long!

We got into talking about gym class for some reason. He asked me what my class was doing and I said ‘swimming’ since that’s what most of the gym classes were doing at the moment. But, then Bobby made it a point of saying that he and Billy are swimming together and that made the class all that much more ‘fun’.

‘Fun?’ What ‘fun’ could there be in just going to gym class? I mean, swimming’s fine and all, but it’s still ‘classwork’ as far as I’m concerned. What kind of ‘fun’ does Bobby mean? He didn’t say any more about that, just that it was great having a ‘friend’ like Billy in the class because it made the class more ‘fun’.

After that I told Bobby I had to go because my Dad was calling me. That was a bald face lie, of course, since my Dad wasn’t even home at that moment. He and Marilyn had gone shopping for the day. I won’t ask for what…I think I’m afraid to find out.

Anyways, the whole Bobby conversation got my ‘jealous bone’ aching again. What I’d give to have a swimming class with Billy! To see him in his skimpy bathing suit, with his bare beautiful wet skin glistening in the sun for me to drool over! To see his beautiful round butt with only a slight bit of material between him and my hand! To see the definition of his package and his mouthwatering member just barely covered by his tight speedos! Oh my God! How I HATE Bobby at the moment for being able to see that instead of me!

Let’s not get into the prospect of seeing Billy in the shower! Bobby couldn’t possibly appreciate that as much as I could! I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to control myself! I’d want to share Billy’s shower and, finally, do for him what JOEseph did for me in the shower all those months ago! Jerking Billy off in the shower? Yes, Sir! Can I please have some more?

Well, it wasn’t even quite two hours after Bobby called that I got a surprise call from Billy himself. I was thrilled to hear his voice, but at the same time aggravated by it too. It aggravated me because it pushed into my face the fact that I can’t seem to have Billy all to myself without Bobby there to interfere!

After some meaningless small talk, Billy got down to business: “How come you're mad at me?”

I tried to deny it, but Billy wasn’t having any of it, “Come on, I KNOW you're pissed at me, and whatever it was that I did, I'm sorry, ok? I don't want to keep guessing about what's wrong. I want us to be cool again.”

In fact, I wasn’t exactly pissed at Billy per say. I was pissed at the whole situation! Well, that’s not exactly true. I guess I was a little bit pissed at Billy. He did seem to opt to talk to Bobby over me when I gave Billy Bobby’s phone number.

But, I didn’t want to come right out and say that to Billy. I…didn’t want him to just hang up on me with like, ‘fine! Be that way’ or whatever.

I wanted Billy to stay on the line with me. I wanted to hear his voice again!

So, “I want that too, Billy,” and that’s the truth. I certainly want to be ‘cool’ with Billy again. I’ve hated all this jealous stupidity on my part! I don’t want to lose him!

“So what's the problem, then? Tell me. Please?” Billy asked me with real pleading in his voice.

I still felt weird about just coming out flat footed and admitting how jealous I was about Bobby and Billy. I was afraid it would…reveal too much about my deeper feeling for Billy than I was ready to give just then over the phone. So I just said, “It's a bunch of stuff.”

That wasn’t entirely true, though. It wasn’t just ‘a bunch of stuff’. It was that one thing in particular, ‘Why did you choose Bobby over me? What’s wrong with me that you’d rather be with him instead of me?’

But, again, I felt like that was exposing myself too much to Billy. I knew that I was trying to dodge his questions, but I didn’t really have the courage to just come out with it to him. I was afraid I’d blurt it all out right there and then! ‘Bobby can’t have you! You belong to me! I won’t share you with anyone else!’

But, he kept pushing, “Like what?”

The things I wanted to say got stuck in my throat just like it had been on the bed when we were playing footsie! I couldn’t speak. It was like my vocal cords just froze up inside my throat!

But, Billy has always had more courage than I have. It is one of the many things I love about him. He asked the question directly: “Is it because I said you could give Bobby Jinette my phone number?”

“Maybe. I don't know. Probably.” That stupidity was all my frozen throat would allow to come out of my mouth! A totally confused and noncommittal answer to Billy’s very direct and clear question!

“Oh...” a disappointed sound came from Billy. A sigh I could hear from the other end of the phone. I’d blown it again! I’d messed up! Why couldn’t it have been me that told Billy what was actually on my mind instead of making him dig for it?

“....You know, we only talked like once or twice. That's all.” he tried to reassure me. What should it matter how many times he talked to Bobby? It’s a free country! He should be able to talk to anyone he wants to without me getting in the way!

But, “Bobby said you guys were in swimming together....” is what came out of my face. It came bubbling out right passed all my guards and I found my voice trembling when I said it. It came from the depth of my fear that I was losing Billy. A fear that, at that moment, had pushed me to near tears.

However, I backpedalled, “It's ok if you wanna talk to Bobby, dude. I don't want you to think I'm being weird, just...” I felt like I was babbling like an idiot at that point.

Then he said, “Well, if it came down to it, I'd kinda like to be with you instead,” and despite everything, that caused a warmth to spread from my heart over my whole chest! The feeling stunned me and I was so very close to letting him know how much I love him!

My stunned pause must have worried Billy because he said a very soft and sweet “….Ok?”

The pressure of saying ‘I Love You’ strained against my ribcage! I wanted so badly to say it, but my fear won out. I felt myself chickening out again and felt I’d better get off the phone before I let this cat out of the bag, “I have to go, Billy. K?”

“Please don't go, Brandon. Stay and talk to me for a while. Please?” Billy said with a desperation I’d not heard in his voice before. It had been trembling like mine had been. He…must be struggling with his feelings too.

Something in me urged me to ask him why. Maybe, it was from some hope that Billy could be the first to say the words that I couldn’t say. If he said it…then I could say it! I could be free of this fear that Billy doesn’t feel the same way I do about him! I could have permission, finally, to tell him how much I love him too!

Though I didn’t get the Three Little Words I was looking for, I got close when Billy said with that same desperate quiver in his voice, “Because I don't want you to go yet. I wanna be with you for a while. It sucks to think about you and not have you there, you know?”

‘So, he still thinks about me!’ I thought. But, wanting him to go further I dared to push him: “You still think about me?”

“All the time,” Billy whispered into my ear…like a lover would do. I nearly melted out of my chair and onto the floor. I was sure my Dad was going to have to scrape me out of the carpet like candle wax when he finally got home.

So, after that, I happily stayed with Billy like he wanted me to. We talked for over two hours after that! We talked openly and freely about so many things. We didn’t quite get to the ‘I Love Yous’, but our precious time together was about as much as I could take tonight and not become the lovesick basket case I feel I’m rapidly becoming.

That warmth in my heart hasn’t left me and it’s a new thing. Something, at last, to combat the icy cold of the fear I’ve been holding on to about all of this. At last, I think I’m thawing out. At last…I’ll be able to tell Billy how much I love him!

This is Brandon, Warm Inside!