Do You Identify As Gay?

[TetRefine]

I'm curious to know how many people on here identify as a part of the gay community versus how many just identify as having same sex attractions without feeling a part of the larger, cultural gay community. 

 

For example, I personally identify as gay and very much feel a part of the larger gay community. Most of my friends are gay, I go to a mostly-gay gym, I play in a gay sports league, I go to gay bars/clubs/circuit parties, and whenever I travel I make it a point to check out the local gay scene. What I love about being gay in the cultural sense is that no matter where you go, you already have an established tribe/community that you can find support in through shared identity. I've found in my post-college years is that we are a community that tends to protect our own, and we've created our own institutions separate from the straight world to fulfill that purpose. It's ghettoization to an extent, but after living in the stuffy confines of straight life for so long, I've found that this much smaller community offers freedom to a level and in a particular way that people who aren't a part of it will never get to experience. 

 

So where do you fit in, or not at all?

 

 

[Reign]

Before when I was identifying as a gay male, I literally was "a guy who sleeps with guys"; I feel my male counterpart contrasts with you @TetRefine because where as you want to be apart of the tribe (which is beautiful and I am glad so many people have that), he felt stifled. He always felt being a part of the gay community was stifling because it became less about him being an individual male but more about his sexuality defining him. He certainly hated gay clubs/bard.

 

Now that I identify as trans, I amused myself when someone referred to me as straight lol. I never actually thought of it in that terms. I was a male who slept with males and even now I am a woman who sleeps with males.

 

While I am a part of the LGBT community, I don't necessarily identify as a part while also equally realizing my place In the community. If that makes a little sense (it does to me ha)

Edited July 21, 2018 by Reign

[TetRefine]

1 hour ago, Reign said:

 

While I am a part of the LGBT community, I don't necessarily identify as a part while also equally realizing my place In the community. If that makes a little sense (it does to me ha)

 

Nope, that makes perfect sense and the kind of answers I am interested in hearing about that fall outside the two ends of the spectrum. Just about everyone I know in my own life is either just a guy who has sex with other guys, or someone who fully embraces the identity. So it is interesting to hear about more grey areas.

[Dabeagle]

I guess I misunderstood the choices. I'm guessing you're in a large city, where I am not. I did the bar scene when I came out at 27. I still do the parades and I got married to a man and we have three kids. I think my available reality of what is a gay community and what yours is may be two different things. I also didn't feel like I was just a guy who has sex with a guy. We have a Gay Community Center, but we don't have the time or money to be very involved.

[Brayon]

I'm a human first and foremost. But, I am a gay man and I identify myself as part of the GLBT community at large. I do advocate for gay rights, writing to my politicians, and doing some groundwork with the Libertarian Party when my disabilities aren't getting in the way. I used to do the same with the Republican Party as well before I switched parties.  I have some local gay friends I hang out with, and even though Hillsborough is a "blue" county, there isn't much in the gay-owned locations outside of bars and nightclubs. Most cater to all clientele, with all types going in, from my experience over the years here. (I welcome anyone from Tampa, FL to point me in the direction of gay-owned establishments, as I will patronize them.)

 

I used to go to the clubs, like Metropolis, City Side, and Baxters. I love my Gaybor District. 

 

However, I am a Human first. I have my own thoughts, opinions, and beliefs that I act upon. They often line up with the GLBT community. A lot of times it does not, especially those in the political field, which I will not go further in, than what I have already.

Edited July 22, 2018 by BHopper2
Even with Grammarly and Autocorrect, the Typodemon strikes.

[MichaelS36]

I have come back to this several times, because it rather irks me. I am Gay. However I am not a member of gay clubs, sports, or other so-called gay organizations. The feeling I get reading this, is that unless I 'join up', me and the others like me, are not really gay. 

 

Perhaps you feel this is so. That's fine.

 

I am Gay,  I have and will continue to embrace all my gay brothers, and sisters, and all those in our lgbt community, no matter if they carry cards, have memberships or not.

 

Joining in, is fine. But it's a choice, and should not be what defines us.

Edited July 22, 2018 by MichaelS36

[Dabeagle]

14 minutes ago, MichaelS36 said:

I have come back to this several times, because it rather irks me. I am Gay. However I am not a member of gay clubs, sports, or other so-called gay organizations. The feeling I get reading this, is that unless I 'join up', me and the others like me, are not really gay. 

 

Perhaps you feel this is so. That's fine.

 

I am Gay,  I have and will continue to embrace all my gay brothers, and sister, and all those in our lgbt community, no matter if they carry cards, have membership or not.

I think maybe it comes back to the choices. What does it mean to be part of the community? I know i went to the clubs to find others like me - we (Jesus I'm about to sound old) didn't have cell phones and apps to do that part for us.

[Brayon]

2 minutes ago, Dabeagle said:

What does it mean to be part of the community?

To be yourself, and live and let live. That's what I think being a member of the GLBT community means. I was born a gay male, no one can take that away from me.

[MichaelS36]

31 minutes ago, Dabeagle said:

I think maybe it comes back to the choices. What does it mean to be part of the community? I know i went to the clubs to find others like me - we (Jesus I'm about to sound old) didn't have cell phones and apps to do that part for us.

My lifestyle is even smaller. Mainly found in small clubs and yes online. But even though we have BDSM clubs, I am not a member,  though my husband and I live that way.  Does that make me less a Dom? No. Not at all.

 

Perhaps this points to the issues within society. Why should we have to meet in these ways? The fight is not over. No one dictates to me, if someone doesn't like me holding my husbands hand, well they can look elsewhere. I have the same rights as they. 

Edited July 22, 2018 by MichaelS36

[Cole Matthews]

9 hours ago, TetRefine said:

I'm curious to know how many people on here identify as a part of the gay community versus how many just identify as having same sex attractions without feeling a part of the larger, cultural gay community. 

 

For example, I personally identify as gay and very much feel a part of the larger gay community. Most of my friends are gay, I go to a mostly-gay gym, I play in a gay sports league, I go to gay bars/clubs/circuit parties, and whenever I travel I make it a point to check out the local gay scene. What I love about being gay in the cultural sense is that no matter where you go, you already have an established tribe/community that you can find support in through shared identity. I've found in my post-college years is that we are a community that tends to protect our own, and we've created our own institutions separate from the straight world to fulfill that purpose. It's ghettoization to an extent, but after living in the stuffy confines of straight life for so long, I've found that this much smaller community offers freedom to a level and in a particular way that people who aren't a part of it will never get to experience. 

 

So where do you fit in, or not at all?

 

 

 

This is fascinating and makes me ponder. I’m gay, and quite proud of it. I’ve been through lots of times when it wasn’t okay.  Of course, being gay is mainstream now.

 

When I came out, the community was our only refuge. I think of those dances when I met my first love and the Park.  I lived in that era when it wasn’t cool, but we were open.   

 

I remember when gay pride parades were a place to be ourselves. Safe. Not scary. Like now.

 

Thanks for asking. It makes me think. 

 

[Cia]

I'm a bisexual woman attracted to men and women equally, though my "type" is very different depending on gender. I'm not very feminine, though I've never questioned my gender. I've never sought out relationships with people (outside of my long-term monogamous romantic relationship, which has been with the same man for 21 years) based on their sexuality, gender expression, etc... nor do I seek out social outlets based on that aspect either. I'm far more interested in connecting with people on a deeper level than that because, for me, it's such a small part of who I am. Maybe it's because I've been settled with one person for so long. But I also think it's partially because I live in the Pacific Northwest, which is largely accepting to people being who they are openly anywhere/everywhere and really just being accepting and not making a big deal out of it. I see a lot of kids in the schools who are clearly bi/gay/questioning/exploring and who really do band together, but then I see them branch out and be individuals who don't need to be part of the 'group of like-minded souls' to be who they are and mingle with others their own age who don't identify the same as they do. 

 

And it's really okay either way. 

[Arpeggio]

There's not really a gay scene here where I live, it's too conservative, but I still identify as a bisexual man. I went to a pride march in June and had a blast. I'd love to see more LGBT activity here for sure. 

Edited July 22, 2018 by Arpeggio

[deville]

I am Gay and I have once upon a time been very active in the gay community . Now... thank heavens not ! Like any community they are largely opinionated , self centered, self serving and bigoted . I’d rather spend my time reading or traveling with my husband . Does this make me less than gay? 

[TetRefine]

Okay, I think some people misunderstood the question I was trying to ask. Also, after rereading what I wrote, I (unintentionally) defined what "being gay" is based solely on my own personal experiences. That was not my intention, but it's how it came out. My experience being gay is entirely within a very cosmopolitan, big city lifestyle with very established and diverse gay communities. Living here in Philadelphia, and traveling frequently to places like New York and other gay meccas, it is very easy to live what many people think of as a gay lifestyle. Aside from work, almost everything I am a part of has "gay" as a qualifier. So yes, I let my own limited worldview on what being gay means bias my own question and I can see why some people who don't live that life would feel left out of this thread. 

 

I guess the more accurate question would be: "What does being gay/LGBT/other mean to you?"

Edited July 22, 2018 by TetRefine

[Ashi]

I am gay, the same way I am Ashi.  I just am.  Gay is not my defining character, but I am gay.  (btw, folks, I don't think Matt's poll is meant to pigeonhole people or marginalize anyone.  He just wants to know more about the society we're in).

 

I don't participate in LGBTQA community, except for this one.  Once a while I'd go to Pride Parade (not this year though..., though county fair this year has a LGBT day, and I am thinking about going...).

 

I don't think it's just the gay community, but this is true for many types of minority groups, some feel their skin colors, genders, sexual identit(ies), age, are their defining character, while some do not.  Some are comfortable being in their cliques, and some prefer to play together as one big group.  This certainly plays a big dynamic role in my work place.  As I am aspiring to be a team leader in the work place, it is constantly in the back of my mind thinking how to get people to play along nicely, as people do have different comfort levels, and some keep having misunderstanding of other people outside of their self/pre-defined group.  I guess you can see I am the type wanting people talk to each other, despite sometimes I think it might be disastrous at first, as their viewpoints are so polarized.  However, the more people understand each other through first-hand contact, instead of assuming what the other group is like, the less conflict it'll be in the long run. 

 

And to add an extra dimension of complexity.  I am in California!  You'd think living in a society so diverse, respecting differences would be our second nature.  Nope....  Back in late 90's and early 2000's, we were on the right track, but lately I've seen a reversing trend where people would self-segregate.  We really need to learn to expose ourselves to all groups of people to dispel myths about people who are different from us.  This is not about "us vs them!"  As the world is globalized, this is critical survival skill, living peacefully, without ending up killing each other based on stuff we imagine in our heads.

 

When I was young, I was so self-conscious NOT to be identified in a clique, whether it's my sexuality or my race or my nerdiness.  Nowadays, I just am.  I am just Ashi (no last name, because famous people only go by one single name).  It gives me a good laugh whenever people try to figure out my sexuality at work.  Does it really matter?  If someone would stop playing with me because of some arbitrary, man made characteristics, should I consider them to be a friend?

 

PS.  I forgot to add this.  While participating in a gay club/community may not be necessary to some, but to others it is vital.  It gives people a sense of belonging and gives people a chance to communicate, so young people will understand what our community really is like so they don't self-discriminate/self-hate.  After all, community and communicate stem from the same root.

Edited July 22, 2018 by Ashi

[TetRefine]

11 hours ago, Cia said:

 I see a lot of kids in the schools who are clearly bi/gay/questioning/exploring and who really do band together, but then I see them branch out and be individuals who don't need to be part of the 'group of like-minded souls' to be who they are and mingle with others their own age who don't identify the same as they do. 

 

Hearing this, and also seeing it myself in real life, makes me happy like no other. It is crazy to see how fast things have changed from when I graduated high school just 8 years ago. I can't wait for the day where no gay kid has to go through what I and so many others did growing up. 

[Cia]

@TetRefine I agree. It's not perfect, but each generation gets better, I think. I called out and sent a few JR High students (usually boys) to the office for using homophobic slurs, but that was far less than instances of acceptance I saw. Our district's code is: Be safe, be respectful, be responsible, and, above all, be kind. 

[Graeme]

I've known I'm gay since my teenage years, but I didn't accept it until I was 40. I consider myself to be part of the gay community, but only online. In real life, I'm a happily married father of two with a very understanding wife...but I don't do anything with the gay community in Melbourne.

 

Australian has evolved considerable over the last 30 years, climaxing last year with an overwhelming majority of Australian voters saying they wanted to allow same-sex couples to marry. There is still homophobia here, but it's definitely a minority, and a small minority at that. Having said that, I'm still not coming out to the wider community here because my family is my priority, and I'm not going to endanger my boys in any way. That sounds stupid, considering what I said about homophobia in Australia, but there are private considerations that I'm not going to explain that, to me, justify my decision not to come out.

 

Instead, my gay community life is here at GA and at other sites on the Internet. And I'm happy with that

[Daddydavek]

I don't see any problem with keeping your private life private.  As an adult, I've never hung around anyone that was interested in talking socially about their sex life.  Likewise, I don't hang around people that make racist or homophobic remarks or jokes either.  I usually let them know I'm not amused and walk away and keep walking.  At my age, life is too short to put up with bullshit and I certainly don't seem to be lacking in social outings because of my candor.  

 

There are lots of places and communities, even in large metro areas that may put on a public face of acceptance of diversity, but it is a facade.  Racism and homophobia is alive and well in much of these United States and I expect that is true of the rest of the world as well.  

 

So while I don't publicly identify as gay, I have come to the realization that's a part of what I am....

[Cia]

Oddly enough, responding to a bit of @Graeme and @Daddydavek posts, most of my interaction with what could be considered a primarily 'gay' community would be online when it comes to GA and writing but that also led to a greater outing to the wider world since more and more people Google casually and not just people they are dating. GA is less obvious, since I go by Cia here, but I very deliberately published under my real name since I am just not good at hiding things and have the supreme luck/joy of not having to. A single Google search of my name brings up YouTube reviews of my books, Goodreads reviews, sale sites, my blog, etc... While I don't go shouting it from the rooftops when I meet people, my online life/publishing is actually something that made more casual acquaintances question me about the how and why of getting into writing gay fiction and has led to some very interesting conversations. 

[Hunter Thomson]

7 hours ago, TetRefine said:

Okay, I think some people misunderstood the question I was trying to ask. Also, after rereading what I wrote, I (unintentionally) defined what "being gay" is based solely on my own personal experiences. That was not my intention, but it's how it came out. My experience being gay is entirely within a very cosmopolitan, big city lifestyle with very established and diverse gay communities. Living here in Philadelphia, and traveling frequently to places like New York and other gay meccas, it is very easy to live what many people think of as a gay lifestyle. Aside from work, almost everything I am a part of has "gay" as a qualifier. So yes, I let my own limited worldview on what being gay means bias my own question and I can see why some people who don't live that life would feel left out of this thread. 

 

I guess the more accurate question would be: "What does being gay/LGBT/other mean to you?"

But I think that's the point. The idea that what happens in our cosmopolitan centers is the "gay lifestyle" is what seems to be irking people. Its all well and good to accept that's how the media portrays urban LGBTQ people, but its hardly the lived experience of most of us. Even people from those urban centers don't necessarily subscribe to the club circuit, and it unfairly erases us when that's considered the "gay lifestyle". 

 

To answer your question I do identify as part of the LGBTQ community because I am. I've always been an activist and currently serve on the You Can Play Project's Western Canadian board of directors, and that gets me doing some speeches and whatnot. But I don't play in gay leagues or anything like that for other reasons.

[TetRefine]

15 minutes ago, Hunter Thomson said:

But I think that's the point. The idea that what happens in our cosmopolitan centers is the "gay lifestyle" is what seems to be irking people. Its all well and good to accept that's how the media portrays urban LGBTQ people, but its hardly the lived experience of most of us. Even people from those urban centers don't necessarily subscribe to the club circuit, and it unfairly erases us when that's considered the "gay lifestyle". 

 

Okay yes, but that pertains to all facets of society. If a foreigner only watches Hollywood movies, then they would think that America consists of nothing but New York and LA, everyone is a 9.5/10, and we're all rich. It is the lived reality of the people who produce those kinds of things, but yes it doesn't pertain to 95% of actual Americans. I made the same mistake in my initial post in assuming my gay experience was one that was more common then it is. I assumed that gay life in America was what I see in the Northeast and California, neglecting the fact that most of us don't live there and don't live that kind of life. Hence why I revised my original statement and got a nice reminder that my lived experience is my own and not always reflective of the majority. 

 

One of the reasons I asked this question on here is because so many of the people on GA are not like the people I know in real life. They don't live in big cities, they aren't necessarily party animals, and have a much wider variation of interests and backgrounds. 

[Graeme]

@TetRefine sometimes one of the hardest lessons to learn is that other people are different. Yes, we all know it, but as you've realised, even when we're trying, we're still making assumptions that others act and think in a simillar way to ourselves. I know I still do it a times, even though I've had decades of experience to teach me otherwise. You're still young, don't worry about  

 

There's a natural tendency for people to associate with likeminded folks, so in places like New York City where there are enough other gay people to form a community, such a community forms. There's nothing wrong with that, and you shouldn't feel that there's anything wrong or odd about being part of that community. I'm sure there are many people who wish they could be part of such a community.

 

But many of us are still isolated in various ways. There are many places where the number of known gay people can be counted on your fingers, and naturally the way those people live and act is very different to places where there is a vibrant gay community. That's why online communities such as GA form; they're a way for those people to associate with more like themselves than they can in person.

 

None of this is right or wrong. It's all just part of the rich fabric of life, of which being gay is a small part. For some people it plays a bigger part than others, but that's okay. Life would be boring if we all acted and thought the same way

[Brayon]

24 minutes ago, TetRefine said:

They don't live in big cities, they aren't necessarily party animals, and have a much wider variation of interests and backgrounds. 

It's the old saying of "It takes all kinds..." The diversity of thought, opinion, and experience are just as valid as all the other forms.

 

The thing that bothers me most in the GLBT community at large is the intolerance that has developed over the years. Not only towards other "factions" in the GLBT community but to those outside of it as well. It's like we are branching out into little camps, and fighting against each other. Like we have gay conservatives and gay liberals who fight over politics. Gay religious folks who fight with gay atheists. On and on. We're all the same community, we can have disagreements, but we should celebrate our oneness as a diverse group. Just the other day I was out having coffee and lunch with a friend visiting from out of town, and we ran into some of his old college friends. I'm sad to say, there was a Heterophobe among them, spouting off all sorts of nonsense about straights. It was disgusting, and I even told him as such. Needless to say, my friend and I left, shaking our heads at the whole experience, and wondering when this cancer of hate started in our community.

[Pmsingtiger]

I identify as a supporter of the LGBTQ community and I guess just, in general, I don't judge and love that the community is very accepting and open. A lot of my friends are LGBTQ and I'm somewhere in the grey area I guess. Been with only one person my entire life so I haven't had a lot of experimenting or anything.