Wry Ramblings From A Hot Wing

[Davide]

18 minutes ago, BendtedWreath said:

That one was more directly to me:

 

Can someone kidnap me too and take me to @Jason Rimbaud's restaurant? I think there's a rule that, if you kidnap me and put me on a plane, you're the one paying for my plane ticket from Portugal to California.

Edited April 11 by Davide

[BendtedWreath]

1 minute ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

hey @Jeff Burton he just might be innocent enough to be jailbait.  .  

That, too. I yield, I yield. 🤣

[Jason Rimbaud]

1 minute ago, Davide said:

Can someone kidnap me too and take me to @Jason Rimbaud's restaurant? I think there's a rule that, if you kidnap me and put me on a plane, you're the only paying for my plane ticket from Portugal to California.

you can not kidnap the willing.  . 

Plus if you go willingly...I'm going to hell if I finish that sentence. 

[Davide]

7 minutes ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

Today I'm being good. 

It's interesting that, with nsfw based humour, sometimes hinting at it without saying it, like in this example, is actually funnier.

[ReaderPaul]

1 hour ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

     So I know people have written vampires having sex.  But let's look at the evidence. 
     I apologize as I am about to geek out stupidly. 
     Vampires are dead.  They need human blood to survive.  In almost all literature, vampires have no reflection, they have no heartbeat, no breath, and no bowel movements. 
     If they don't have a heartbeat, they can't pump blood to their down there parts, hence no sex.  And even if they could get a boner, they wouldn't be able to ejaculate as they are dead.
     I can see feeding off one another might entail some sense of intimacy, but vampires can't have sex. 
      And a different note, since we have been talking about AI in another thread. 
     The sentence, "they can't pump blood to their down there parts". |
     Grammarly wanted to change that sentence to reproductive parts. And the joke is gone, fuck AI! 

     In talking with some morticians, males often get erections after death.  I don't remember the explanation as to why.  However, in his stories in the "Bluebloods" series here on GA, R. Eric has a different explanation or two about vampire erections.
     And Larry Niven, in the Ringworld books, the vampires are humanoid creatures who suck blood (and some other non-savory habits).  But they are not supernatural in the somewhat traditional sense.
     If vampires in some stories have enough control over their bodies to turn into bats or other creatures, they would have enough control of the reproductive system to have a phallic erection.  Further, they have to have a way of ridding excess liquids or they would just get more and more bloated as they suck blood over the centuries.

Edited April 11 by ReaderPaul

[Thirdly]

2 hours ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

Probably because no other thread is filled with such nonsense.  

This is what happens on a Saturday when the Timezones align and all the troublemakers are out and about (such as myself). 

2 hours ago, Lee Wilson said:

So you recently celebrated your 12th present day. All anniversaries of your birth after 29 are present days.

I think I like your version better.

2 hours ago, Kileoli said:

Lol, now I want to meet you in person ( not really. Who knows what happens afterwards).

You can join our road trip. We'll coordinate.

2 hours ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

I have known Chris for nearly twenty years, since we first met at the CIA back in the 60's. He's an upstanding, forthright, cherub of a human and wouldn't know smut when he woke up next to it that one time I crashed at his dorm room.  

I laughed way too hard at this. Sorry @chris191070, I love you I swear. I love all you guys in a platonic way (except @CassieQ, but she already knows I'd marry her).

57 minutes ago, BendtedWreath said:

I leave for 2 hours and I come back to kidnapping plotting. 🤣

See, what had happened was...

 

39 minutes ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

hey @Jeff Burton he just might be innocent enough to be jailbait.  .  

I laughed way too hard at this, too.

7 minutes ago, ReaderPaul said:

If vampires in some stories have enough control over their bodies to turn into bats or other creatures, they would have enough control of the reproductive system to have a phallic erection.  

I mean, I second this. 

[Jason Rimbaud]

15 minutes ago, ReaderPaul said:

A, R. Eric has a different explanation or two about vampire erections.

Number one, tell us what this explanation is. because I'll never read it, and unless you can provide evidence, I'll just say, Nah Uh.  

And we can't go by the modern interpretation of vampires. Vampire lore is like the christian bible, you can't change it to fit your modern viewpoints, though many try. 

Much of the modern vampire lore has to do with Dracula, a vampire who made many. Or Vlad is the father of vampires. 

In each of these legends, strict rules and guidelines were written down that became the lore. The problem with the modern take on vampires, they have to discount much of this lore. 

Hence why @Lee Wilson doesn't like reading vampire stories. 

To make him read and enjoy one vampire story, I threw out all the vampire lore, and started from scratch. I invented a completely new origin, backstory, and rules that should allow Lee to enjoy the story. 

In my lore, they can have sex, and there is a really good reason for it. I have written about six chapters of the story thus far, but have it simmering in the background as I focus on other things. 

But the moral of this post, vampires, in their present lore can't have sex. . 

 

[Jeff Burton]

1 hour ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

hey @Jeff Burton he just might be innocent enough to be jailbait.  .  

Don’t tempt me.

[Lee Wilson]

7 minutes ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

Hence why @Lee Wilson doesn't like reading vampire stories. 

To make him read and enjoy one vampire story, I threw out all the vampire lore, and started from scratch. I invented a completely new origin, backstory, and rules that should allow Lee to enjoy the story. 

We’ll see.

[Jason Rimbaud]

14 minutes ago, Lee Wilson said:

We’ll see.

Trust me, I'm not betting the restaurant on it or anything.  

[ReaderPaul]

Just remembered why males often get erections after death.  Erections are a function of lower blood pressure near the base of the male member.  After death, blood pressure drops drastically, and men often develop erections if there are not further complications in the urological system.

[Lee Wilson]

1 minute ago, ReaderPaul said:

Just remembered why males often get erections after death.  Erections are a function of lower blood pressure near the base of the male member.  After death, blood pressure drops drastically, and men often develop erections if there are not further complications in the urological system.

Breaking news: an upcoming Lee Wilson story, the perverted gay undertaker!

[Kileoli]

3 hours ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

So I know people have written vampires having sex. But let's look at the evidence. 

I apologize as I am about to geek out stupidly. 

Vampires are dead. They need human blood to survive. In almost all literature, vampires have no reflection, they have no heartbeat, no breath, and no bowel movements. 

If they don't have a heartbeat, they can't pump blood to their down there parts, hence no sex. And even if they could get a boner, they wouldn't be able to ejaculate as they are dead. 

I can see feeding off one another might entail some sense of intimacy, but vampires can't have sex.  

And a different note, since we have been talking about AI in another thread. 

The sentence, "they can't pump blood to their down there parts". 

Grammarly wanted to change that sentence to reproductive parts. And the joke is gone, fuck AI! 

That was the best explanation ever. I knew there was something wrong with my ex. 🤔

So I'm not afraid of you anymore,still I won't join you on your road trip @Thirdly. Thanks but till I arrive there it's probably 22 century 

[Jason Rimbaud]

7 minutes ago, Kileoli said:

That was the best explanation ever. I knew there was something wrong with my ex. 🤔

So I'm not afraid of you anymore,still I won't join you on your road trip @Thirdly. Thanks but till I arrive there it's probably 22 century 

Go read the new chapter for Gabriel's Gambit if you don't want to have the best hot wings you ever had in your life!   . 

[Jason Rimbaud]

I've always had an appreciation for rain. Maybe it was because I received my first oral love during a rainstorm. 

Maybe it's because I always felt renewed after a rainstorm. The fresh smell of wet grass, that slightly salty taste of the air. The idea that all the dirt has been washed away and everything is pristine. Like the first day looking out over freshly fallen snow, when everything is stark white. 

So when I woke this morning, and it was raining, it was a sign that today would be a great day. I wish I could say I woke, fixed a cup of coffee, and sat out on my deck to enjoy my Strawberry Kiwi vape and watch the droplets fall. 

I don't drink coffee. Instead I made myself this green shake my husband insists that I drink, choked it down as fast as I could because it tastes like rabbit ass, and showered quickly. 

I arrived at work at 9 am. Sundays are very relaxing days when there is no football. We open at 11 and don't really get busy until 3 pm or so. So I was expecting to have a boring morning to catch up on my emails, plan the week out, and just be lazy. 

One of my new cooks decided this was not the right place for him, so he quit this morning, five minutes after his shift was to start. 

The text I received, "I don't work for you anymore. I found another job where I don't have to work so hard. They give me ten cents more an hour, and they speak better Spanish than you." 

He was right, my Spanish isn't that good, but I can get by to have clear instructions of what I want. 

Want to know why he decided to quit all of a sudden? 

Yesterday, he was on the line, a position he begged to be put in to gain experience. So we were pretty busy, and he had seven really large tickets. About five hundred wings total. 

So he started cutting corners. We time everything in my kitchen. We use timers, and just because you have tickets piling up, the chicken must be cooked according to that matrix. 

He decided to change the cooking times to make it go faster. Then he put up three combo orders, six wings and fries each. One combo box had five wings only, because he dropped one. All three combo boxes had a different level of fries. 

This time, I told him we have standards, and if you didn't make enough fries, you have to make more to ensure everyone is getting the proper amount. He didn't like this, nor did he think it was his fault that one of the wings fell on the floor. After I caught him cutting more corners, using less sauce, and not salting the fries, I took him off the line. 

How much time did he really save by not salting the fries? 

By this time, I was frustrated, but as I never lose my temper in the kitchen, I was going to speak to him at the end of the shift and explain how kitchens work. 

He's twenty, and this is his first real restaurant job. He used to work for one of the fast food chains. This explained his work ethic. Last time I take a chance on someone needing a job over any experience. 

But he didn't want to talk at the end of the shift; he just left. So I came early today to chat, and I received this text. 

When I told my other cooks, they practically cheered. Even though we are a guy down, the mood in the kitchen is high, and everyone is laughing. Apparently, they had been redoing his work, covering for him, and silently growing to hate his lack of experience, work ethic, and attitude. 

My Spanish isn't that good, so he talked a lot of shit that I didn't understand, apparently, and no one liked him. 

So I asked my senior line cook, the one guy who could run my entire kitchen by himself if I'd let him, if he knew anyone. Twenty minutes later, I had three guys asking for work. 

Once I hired one of them, my line cook told me with a big grin on his face that I should let him hire people because I'm too nice. 

I'll take that as a compliment. 

 

[Lee Wilson]

14 minutes ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

I don't drink coffee. Instead I made myself this green shake my husband insists that I drink, choked it down as fast as I could because it tastes like rabbit ass, and showered quickly. 

OK, after reading that, somebody please tell me they didn’t ask themselves, “How does he know what rabbit ass tastes like?” Or am I the only really sick-o here?

[Davide]

19 minutes ago, Lee Wilson said:

OK, after reading that, somebody please tell me they didn’t ask themselves, “How does he know what rabbit ass tastes like?” Or am I the only really sick-o here?

Damn it, you beat me to it.

[CassieQ]

20 minutes ago, Lee Wilson said:

OK, after reading that, somebody please tell me they didn’t ask themselves, “How does he know what rabbit ass tastes like?” Or am I the only really sick-o here?

I read stuff like that, remember the rigor mortis comment and decide to mind my own business. 

[Jason Rimbaud]

20 minutes ago, Lee Wilson said:

OK, after reading that, somebody please tell me they didn’t ask themselves, “How does he know what rabbit ass tastes like?” Or am I the only really sick-o here?

The year was 1953, a young Jason Rimbaud, was lost in the deep forests of Washington State. At the time, I was fully convinced that Bigfoot was real, and was searching for said beast. 

My supplies, while plenty for a month excursion, was quickly stolen in the night by a band of roaming pixies. For days I wander the forrest, until I came upon a crudely made snare trap in the middle of a rabbit trail. 

In the snare was a frightened rabbit. When the rabbit saw that it was only a human, the rabbit said, "Thank god, I thought you were Bigfoot." 

"Bigfoot's real?" I exclaimed excitedly. The fact that the rabbit could talk didn't register in my brain as I knew I must be close to getting the first evidence of Bigfoot. 

"Oh yes, and if I'm going to be eaten by anything, I'd prefer a human." 

"Why is that?" I ask as I knealt down next to the rabbit. 

"Because Bigfoot only eats the ass, then leaves us to die slowly without an ass.

"Why does he only eat the ass?' I ask.

"Because if he doesn't eat the ass it's too tight! 

 

[Davide]

37 minutes ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

I've always had an appreciation for rain. Maybe it was because I received my first oral love during a rainstorm. 

Maybe it's because I always felt renewed after a rainstorm. The fresh smell of wet grass, that slightly salty taste of the air. The idea that all the dirt has been washed away and everything is pristine. Like the first day looking out over freshly fallen snow, when everything is stark white. 

Those are reasons that would normally make me like rain. Except for the first one, your sex life has no impact on my opinion of rain. But I don't like it because I wear glasses, so I either have to carry an umbrella, which is annoying, or I get my glasses wet, which makes me not see well.

40 minutes ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

He's twenty, and this is his first real restaurant job. He used to work for one of the fast food chains. This explained his work ethic. Last time I take a chance on someone needing a job over any experience. 

Fast food explains him cutting corners. No one is going there for quality, so they can get away with that bs.

42 minutes ago, Jason Rimbaud said:

When I told my other cooks, they practically cheered. Even though we are a guy down, the mood in the kitchen is high, and everyone is laughing. Apparently, they had been redoing his work, covering for him, and silently growing to hate his lack of experience, work ethic, and attitude.

Damn, when workers are that happy that they're one person down, that says a lot about that person.

[Jason Rimbaud]

9 minutes ago, CassieQ said:

I read stuff like that, remember the rigor mortis comment and decide to mind my own business. 

Probably the smartest thing you've done in a long line of smart things. especially in this thread. 

[chris191070]

Rigor mortis and rabbits ass, im worried what's next.

Edited April 12 by chris191070

[Kileoli]

32 minutes ago, Lee Wilson said:

OK, after reading that, somebody please tell me they didn’t ask themselves, “How does he know what rabbit ass tastes like?” Or am I the only really sick-o here?

Just the fact that rabbits don't eat only green stuff so it does not explain a green shake to the rabbit ass and its capacities. 

@Jason Rimbaud I don't know the American laws but can't you sue the guy for just quitting like that? I would have to teach him a lesson.

Oh no. Why is everyone so fast or I should refresh my page before commenting, sorry. I was busy listening to paw patrol.

Edited April 12 by Kileoli

[Jason Rimbaud]

1 minute ago, Kileoli said:

I don't know the American laws but can't you sue the guy for just quitting like that? I would have to teach him a lesson.

No most states in America are what is called "At Will" states. An employer or employee can terminate the work without penalty. 

And truthfully, he probably wouldn't have lasted after our conversation I was going to have today. So he quit an hour before I would have probably fired him. I really didn't appreciate his attitude yesterday and if he would have given me the same attitude today, I would have fired him. Saves me the paperwork. 

But to be petty, In America, when a work quits with no notice, by law, you must give him his final paycheck by the end of 72 Hours. 

When he arrived about an hour ago asking for his check, I told him it would be ready Tuesday. I'm not above being petty. 

[Jason Rimbaud]

6 minutes ago, chris191070 said:

Rigor mortis and rabbits ass, im worried what's next.

You and me both!