Disasters, Delights and Other Detours - 4. Twilight

Oh ... it works Parker ... extremely well. Your experiment is most effective.  I doubt it smells like the chem lab, though i've never been in one. 

No scent of chem lab rather that of astringent balm ... to ease the ache of chances lost, of questionable choices made and debts owed but left unpaid. Nicely done.

3 hours ago, Mikiesboy said:

Oh ... it works Parker ... extremely well. Your experiment is most effective.  I doubt it smells like the chem lab, though i've never been in one. 

Thank you! I feared it would be difficult to read, but your response is encouraging. It did not flow easily. 

36 minutes ago, Valkyrie said:

No acrid chemical scent here.  Impeccably written, as always.  

Thanks, Val. I was just so unsure about this one...

26 minutes ago, dughlas said:

No scent of chem lab rather that of astringent balm ... to ease the ache of chances lost, of questionable choices made and debts owed but left unpaid. Nicely done.

Thank you, Dugh. You recast this and give me such good thoughts on a tough poem. 

i like this. it reads well, but i also think it requires further watching. reactions will become deeper with time.

I related instantly with your first lines. It felt like a conversation... I liked that a lot! I have no idea how loosely based your 'story' was, but I felt and interpreted it as a tribute to those who went off to war, and the devastation their loss left behind... an old man with his memories. No matter your intent, it gripped me... 

"behold the hidden brotherhood of men
whose lives unbound lie far beyond our ken."  What a powerful and perfect ending... 'hidden brotherhood of men' ... cheers... Gary....

I love the interjections - they make the verse so much more personal. It's not some general observation, but rather addressing one individual, one man, who so becomes a part of the action. These asides also break up the rhythm to very good effect.

A wonderful success, my friend.

3 hours ago, mogwhy said:

i like this. it reads well, but i also think it requires further watching. reactions will become deeper with time.

Thank you, Moggy.  I can't help thinking that you're right in that this will need to seep into the mind for more consideration. You are very good to comment on this. 

49 minutes ago, Headstall said:

I related instantly with your first lines. It felt like a conversation... I liked that a lot! I have no idea how loosely based your 'story' was, but I felt and interpreted it as a tribute to those who went off to war, and the devastation their loss left behind... an old man with his memories. No matter your intent, it gripped me... 

 

"behold the hidden brotherhood of men
whose lives unbound lie far beyond our ken."  What a powerful and perfect ending... 'hidden brotherhood of men' ... cheers... Gary....

I am glad you liked the last two lines. They went through several transformations to arrive at that form. Did the 'conversation' work for you? It wasn't clear if it would be distracting or not. The war and conflict you discern were in my mind, but could take a great many forms. And the old man is left with his memories, regrets, and perhaps, hopes.  Thank you!

53 minutes ago, northie said:

I love the interjections - they make the verse so much more personal. It's not some general observation, but rather addressing one individual, one man, who so becomes a part of the action. These asides also break up the rhythm to very good effect.

 

A wonderful success, my friend.

I am so glad you thought the asides were effective and not distracting. It was conversation, perhaps the intensity of youth communicating to age. But it wasn't clear to me if the action and interplay would come off. Thank you for your generous remarks!