Tales of the Underground: Blinded - 53. Relapse

| Riley |

The ride home from the prison was quiet. I’m braced for whatever happens next, but to be completely honest, I have no idea how I’ll feel. No matter what David Walker is a hunted man now. Snitches, they’re something that surpass gang lines. It doesn’t matter who you belong to, you snitch and you’re fair game.

And me? I didn’t just snitch. I worked hand in hand with the police so I could clear the charges against me. I stabbed my old brothers in the back, then came back only to rip them down. I used to be one of the deadliest gangsters on the street, and now what am I? I have no loyalty. I have no pride. Sure, I’ve got a family, but what kind of man does this make me? I fucked over my ex-brethren and now my own biological father.

“How was it?” Nancy nervously asked as we walked through the front door.

“I don’t wanna talk bout it.” I muttered, quickly heading up the stairs and to my bedroom.

I spent the next half hour trying my hardest to find myself, but only came back blank. Something about having that glimpse into my old life fucked me up. Something about it made me second guess who I am now, and what I want going forward.

“Can we talk?” Dad asked as he lightly knocked on the door.

“Yeah.” I sighed as he slowly pushed it open.

“It got pretty intense back there.” He began, unsure what to say. “I understand if you’re upset.”

“I ain’t upset.” I shook my head.

“No?” He asked, taking a seat near my bed.

“Nah.” I replied before growing quiet again.

“I just made a call and you have nothing to worry about.” He said, trying his hardest to draw eye contact. “David’s being transferred to a prison in New Mexico, that’s far enough where,”

“That don’t matter.” I shook my head. “Gangs talk, and news about snitches spread.”

“Riley,” Dad sighed. “don’t you think that’s a bit, dramatic? I don’t know if word will spread that far.”

“I fucked with Chicago.” I tried to explain. “This is one of the biggest gang capitals, they run more shit than you think. He’ll be dead before he leaves the state.”

“Don’t talk like that.” He quickly forced out. “You don’t know,”

“You’ll get a call soon enough.” I dismissed, looking out the window and growing quiet.

“Are you prepared for that?” He asked in a concerned voice.

“Don’t know.” I confessed in a sigh. “It’s not like he ever meant shit to me.”

“If that does happen,” He gravely began, trying to pick his next few words carefully. “would you like us to, to, uh,”

“Claim the body and bury him?” I coldly asked, shocking him with how blunt I was being.

“Yeah.” He replied, watching me closely.

“Maybe.” I admitted, refusing to look over. “I’ll let you know when we get there.”

“Alright.” He sighed, thinking carefully about the situation once more. “I know you’ve seen a lot of rough things on the street, but, but you don’t have to turn cold to it. You’re allowed to feel something about this.”

“Better I don’t.” I rejected causing him to grow quiet once more. He may not be able to understand, but look where thinking has me right now. This morning I was stable and fine. I felt like I was getting better. I was getting better! But now, now I’m lost again.

“You’re not who you were.” He offered, moving a little closer before stopping himself. “The way you used to cope, it won’t work for you anymore.”

“We’ll see.” I said, shutting my mind the best I could.

“Alright,” He sighed, slowly rising to his feet. “if you need to talk I’ll be working from home today.”

I nodded but kept my silence. The rest of the day I stayed quiet. Aaron, Tak, Carter, they all tried to cheer me up, but right now none of that mattered. I needed to be left to myself, to figure it out on my own. I’ve relied too heavily on everyone else. I’ve made myself vulnerable, and opening myself up like that, it could become the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. Like Owen said when I first got here, you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.

The next morning we got the call I had been waiting for. David Walker was stabbed fifty times in the chest. What I didn’t expect? It was on the transfer bus on his way to the airport. The Saints were sending me a message. They’re still alive, and escape, it’s impossible.

I wonder if they’ll try and hunt me one day. I’ve been acting like I’m safe up here in the North side, as if going to Michigan was enough to calm all the heat on me, but now I don’t know. In one little flash everything’s changed. In one little flash my kingdom’s starting to crumble.

“What do you think?” Mom asked as I stared off at a wall. “Would you like us to accept the body?”

“Do what you want.” I replied. As I felt her hand on my arm I shrugged it off.

“Do you remember what you promised when you got back?” She asked, trying her hardest to draw eye contact. “That you wouldn’t shut me out.” I shook my head but didn’t say anything. “You promised that Riley.”

“I promised a lot of shit to a lot of people, alright?!” I lashed out, finally turning to her. “I told the Saints I’d never snitch, and now look what happened. I promised you I’d behave, but you know what I’ve been doin when you leave me alone? I been smoking weed.” I shouted as I began to unravel. “I promised Eli and Carter I’d try my hardest with my second chance, and, well, now look where I am.”

“You’re human Riley.” She tried her hardest to comfort. “You make mistakes just like everyone else. I’m not happy you’ve been smoking weed, and we’ll talk about that later, but I understand you’ll slip up. I understand this won’t be easy for you. I understand,”

“Would you stop!” I interrupted her in a shout. “Stop wastin your time on me! Start workin on Tak or Aaron! Give it to someone who deserves it!”

I heard her exhale heavy breath as she heard those words. “So we’re back to this?”

“I guess we are.” I grumbled, looking down at my bed.

“Then you’re accepting your birth father’s body.” She decided as I finally looked over to her. “Not another word Riley. You’re in pain and you’re not recognizing it. Maybe, maybe this will finally break down the wall you’re rebuilding.”

“Whatever.” I shook my head and looked back down.

She went to hug me, to try and comfort me in any way possible but second guessed it when she saw the anger on my face. I spent the new few hours alone in my room. Every now and again Nancy would come back in and force me to do something in a work book, but for the most part I was trapped inside my own head. Where I was safe. Where everyone was safe.

“Hey,” I heard Carter call out as he pushed the door open without knocking. “your Dad told me he heard you yelling at your mother this afternoon.”

“Then he can say somethin to me.” I muttered, not even bothering to look over.

“Seriously Riley?” He asked in a stern voice.

“Yeah, seriously.” I grunted. “You just come here to pick a fight?”

“No, I came because everyone’s worried about you, because I’m worried about you.” He tried to explain. “I mean two days ago you were smiling and laughing, but ever since you met your dad you’re, you’re,”

“Different.” I answered for him.

“No.” Carter shook his head. “Depressed.”

“I ain’t depressed.” I tried to argue as I felt his weight land on the side of my bed.

“You sure about that?” He asked, seeing right through my wall. “Because your parents told me you’ve been pretty irritable lately, and Aaron said you’re going through mood swings like once every five minutes. Tak’s too scared to even come near you!”

“Maybe this is just who I am.” I tried to argue, feeling his arm wrap around me.

“It’s not.” He quickly rejected. “You’re upset, and I get it. Anyone in your shoes would be, but you can’t shut yourself off from the world.”

“Why can’t I?” I asked, finally looking over to him. “Everythin would be better off that way.”

“No it wouldn’t.” He disputed, his voice growing more and more upset with every word. “Because life without you in school is already back to being miserable. My life without you, it’d just, it wouldn’t be worth living.” He finally confessed. “I know it’s not fair to you, I know you’re going through a lot, but I need you Riley!”

“That ain’t healthy, to be so dependent on me.” I forced out, finally looking over to him.

“Don’t even start with that.” He sniffled as his head fell against my shoulder. “Now let me in, what’s bothering you?”

“I got my father killed.” I suddenly answered, surprising even myself. “It’s cause of me that he’s dead. Cause of what I used to do.”

“It is not. You didn’t put him in prison,” Carter began, nearly echoing Walter’s words from yesterday. “and call me crazy, but maybe he deserved what he got. He left you and your birth mom alone, then killed someone.”

“Then maybe I deserve the same.” I grumbled, looking down once more.

“That’s what this is about?” Carter asked as worry peaked in his voice. “You’ve already paid for everything. You went back and faced your old gang. You brought them down. You righted your wrongs, and the ones that are left over, you’re still working on them.” I grew quiet as his words began to hit me.

“You’re struggling to find the difference between you and your birth dad.” Carter began to explain. “But you couldn’t be any more different! What’d he say when he met you?”

“That he never shoulda had me.” I quietly answered.

“You would never say that.” Carter tried to comfort. “I mean look at what you did with Tak! You took him in like he was your own! You deserve everything good that’s happening to you. You’re on your way to redemption. I know you are.”

I nodded but stayed quiet. We spent the new few hours just lying together, at one point he put on music and just let our thoughts do the talking. I don’t know what just happened or how he did it, but he’s started to help me put the pieces back together. I never would’ve guessed meeting my birth dad would mess me up this bad, or that him dying would nearly destroy me, but it did, and maybe that’s something I have to accept.

--

--

The next few days I stayed quiet to everyone around me but Carter. He was the only one I would let in, and even then it was still an arm’s length away. He helped me to feel better but things still feel, broken.

When it finally came time to burry David’s body I opted to skip a wake and funeral. There was no point. I was the only family he had left. I was the only one to grieve, and even then, grieving isn’t the word I would use.

As we stood around the open grave everyone looked to me to say something, but no words came to mind. Carter clutched my hand tightly, but kept his eyes down at the coffin in the ground.

“I know he wasn’t perfect.” Dad began from across the ditch. “I know we barely knew him. I know he messed up a lot in his life, but everyone deserves to find peace. Everyone deserves some sort of light at the end of their tunnel. I hope David can find his.”

“My whole life I thought bout what’d he be like.” I finally began. “But when I finally met him he was nothing but a disappointment. He was rude and cold, he didn’t care bout me or bout my birth mom.” I exhaled, still looking down. “I don’t know what else to say, I don’t know what to feel bout this.”

“And that’s okay.” Dad offered before silence could fill the air. “Maybe he only put out negativity in his life, but you know what, he gave us you. I know it’s not fair, but now you’re all that’s left of him. You have the chance to be that one speck of light in his darkness. It’s your move Riley.”

I nodded but let quiet take over. Walter’s words sounded off in my head like bombs. Everything he said was right. Everything he said made me take a long look at myself. I didn’t snitch on the Saints for my own good. I snitched on the Saints to right their wrongs. I know I said I wasn’t loyal, but fuck their version of loyalty. They would’ve sold me up river without thinking twice.

“Thank you.” I offered Walter as we all walked back to the car.

“Anytime.” He accepted, pulling me in close. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “It’s like, like the Saints still have a hold over me.”

“I know.” He sighed with a nod. “What do you want to do about that?”

“I’ve been going to therapy, but I don’t know.” I confessed. “I think, I think I need to go back to Michigan.”

“Really?” He asked in a gasp.

“Yeah and this time, this time I’ll let Aaron, Tak and Carter come visit.” I exhaled. “I just, I need to find myself again.”

“Alright,” He said, trying his hardest to hide the pain in his voice. “I’ll see what I can do.”

The next day or two were just like the last few. No matter how hard Carter tried to fully fix things, he just couldn’t. Not this time around, and that, it hurts him just as much as it hurts me.

“You believe that!” Tak shouted to me as we watched another Bulls game in the game room.

“Crazy.” I forced out in a quiet voice.

“Come on Riley,” Carter sighed looking over to me.

“What do you want man, I’m trying my,”

“Riley!” Mom interrupted as a light knocking began on the door. “Can you get that?”

“Aaron, go get the door.” I dismissed, not even bothering to look away from the T.V.

“Riley, I asked you.” Mom insisted as she listened in on us.

“Man.” I sucked my teeth and slowly got up.

“Don’t fight with your mom.” Carter sighed, looking over to me. “Just go get the door.”

“I’m goin.” I groaned, taking as much time as I wanted. When I finally got there I quickly pulled it open. “Look if,” I froze as I noticed a familiar teenager around my height.

“Hey Riley,” He let out with a wide smile. “funny seeing you here.”

“Eli.” I gasped as I took a step back. For the first time all week I felt a spark of happiness fill me. “What the hell are you doin here?”

“I heard you needed a boost.” He happily explained. “So here I am.” He announced, taking a step inside the large house.

I turned back and noticed my parents standing near the stairs. “You did this?” I asked, shocked by the moment.

“Yup.” Dad quickly nodded. “I know you said you wanted to go back to Michigan, so I thought we’d bring Michigan to you for a day or two.”

“Alright.” I shook my head as he reached out a hand. As we shook he quickly pulled my in for a hug and held me tight.

“Let’s get you back on track.” He quietly encouraged before pulling away and looking at the small audience that had gathered outside of the game room. “Hi.” He suddenly greeted.

“This is my younger brother Tak,” I began to introduce. “my older brother Aaron, and Carter.”

“Carter.” Eli nodded his head as their eyes connected. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Funny,” Carter remarked, as his stare grew more intense. “I haven’t heard much about you.”

“You know how Riley is.” Eli lightly laughed. “He keeps his cards close to his chest.”

“Who is you?” Tak asked, racking his brain to remember if they had met before.

“He was Riley’s roommate in Michigan.” Mom quickly answered.

“It’s good to see you both again.” Eli politely let out, walking up to my parents and shaking their hands.

“Well God bless you.” Aaron shook his head. “He’s not easy to live with.”

“You share a room with him now?” Eli asked in a laugh.

“Oh yeah.” Aaron nodded his head.

Eli let out a small laugh as I began to lead him towards the game room. “He wake you up a lot?”

“From nightmares or his terrible body odor?” Aaron teased with a smile.

“Ha!” Eli shouted at the top of his lungs. “I like you.” He nodded his head.

“Thanks.” Aaron cautiously accepted.

“Eli’s weird,” I explained. “but you get used to it.”

As we grew closer to the couches I noticed Carter hang near me, and when we sat down he was nearly holding onto me!

“I’m weird?” Eli asked, taking a seat on the other side of me. “Do you really want to restart that conversation?”

“High energy.” I corrected in a patronizing voice.

“That’s all I ask.” He threw his hands up.

As I sat back I noticed Carter watching him closely. Does he actually feel threatened? I mean I guess Eli is good looking. Between the bright blue eyes and the long dirty blond hair, I could see why guys would chase him, but he ain’t my type! He’s just, too, cutsey.

“So Carter,” Eli began, trying his hardest to ignore the stare. “you actually date Riley?”

“Yup.” Carter nodded his head.

“I have to know, just, why?” He teased in a loud voice. “I think I’d lose my mind.”

“It can be rough,” Carter finally played along. “but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

“That’s sweet.” Eli smiled once more. “One he started talking he wouldn’t shut up about you, it was just Carter, Carter,”

“Dude!” I reprimanded, shooting him an angry look.

“Oh please.” Eli dismissed. “What are you scared of? That your boyfriend will know you love him?”

“That ain’t,”

“Remember what we used to talk about?” Eli cut off. “How do you want to be remembered?”

Once more I noticed Carter and Eli lock eyes, except this time it seemed as though they shared a million thoughts at once. “I love you Carter.” I quietly forced out.

“What’s that?” Carter asked, looking over to me.

“I love you Carter.” I forced out a little louder.

“What are you mumbling?” Eli provoked. “Your broken English is bad enough. You really need to pronounce your words.”

“I love you Carter.” I finally let out loud enough for the whole room to hear.

“I love you too.” He quickly accepted with a smile.

“Now was that so bad?” Eli teased with a smile.

“Woh.” Aaron remarked looking over to the newest member of the room. “I’ve only ever seen Carter talk to him like that.”

“I can teach you.” Eli quickly offered. “It’s really not that hard.”

“Carter tried to teach me once.” Tak let out. “Riley almost bit my head off.”

“He does bite,” Eli nodded with a laugh. “but don’t worry. You could totally take him.” Tak let out a small laugh and blushed as he heard those words. “Why are you watching this crappy sport?” Eli suddenly began, looking over to the T.V.

I looked to Carter and rolled my eyes. “What sports do you like?” Carter asked, taking the bait.

“Hockey,” Eli proudly announced. “otherwise known as the best sport in the world.”

“Basketball is so much better than hockey!” Tak argued from across the room.

“You sure about that?” Eli asked, looking over to him. “In hockey when someone wrongs you you can take them out right there and then. In basketball you get a foul just for putting a hand on someone.”

“Hockey don’t work like that!” Tak tried to argue.

“You sure about that?” Eli asked, rolling up his sleeve and exposing a big black and blue.

“Woh!” Tak gasped, leaning forward to take a closer look. “I needa play hockey!”

“No!” Mom quickly shut down as she entered the room. “Eli what size are you dear? The school is fine with you visiting tomorrow but they want you wearing their uniform.”

He made a disgusted face and looked back at her “Private school.” He teased. “but I’m a medium.”

“Wait,” I shook my head. “you’re going to school tomorrow?”

“So are you.” He happily announced.

“I don’t know man, I gotta,”

“We’ll do it together.” Eli interrupted as our eyes connected.

“And speaking of school, I think it’s time for certain middle schoolers to go to bed.” Mom announced looking over to Tak.

“Come on, the game ain’t over yet.” He tried to argue.

“They’re losing bad again.” She sighed. “You’re not missing anything dear.”

“Fine.” He grunted, standing up and heading out of the room.

“He’s totally a mini you.” Eli observed, looking over to me.

“Don’t remind me.” Aaron complained. “One was bad enough.”

“I better get going too.” Carter sighed as he stood up.

“I’ll walk you out.” I nodded, knowing I better talk to him about the situation before it really starts.

“Aaron why don’t you show Eli to your room. He’ll be sleeping in Riley’s bed, Riley will be sleeping in your bed and you’ll be sharing a bed with Tak.” She announced as Aaron’s eyes grew wide.

“Sorry,” Eli sheepishly began.

“Glad we got outta there in time for that conversation.” I teased as we reached the front of the house.

“Yup.” Carter nodded, pulling the door open.

“You worried about Eli.” I suddenly called out as we both stepped outside.

“Am not.” He shook his head.

“Don’t lie to me.” I warned as our eyes connected.

“It’s just, you’ve been so upset this past week and he shows up and suddenly,”

“Stop.” I cut off, not wanting to hear the rest. “Sure, I’m happy to see him, but we, we went through a lot together.” I tried to explain. “You’ll understand it better tomorrow.”

“I better.” He teased, stepping closer to me. “I love you.” He let out before landing a deep kiss on my lips.

“I gotta bring guys around more often.” I shook my head. “I didn’t expect you to do that.”

“It’s good to see you goofing around again.” He nodded as a smile finally began on his face.

“See, this will be good for all of us,” I tried to explain. “and you, you have nothing to worry about. I only want you.”

“We’ll see.” He forced another smile before getting into his car and driving off.

I know this isn’t easy for Carter. I know he’s starting to doubt himself. But I need Eli right now. There’s just something about him. Something that will help pick me back up. Besides, no matter what happens no one could ever replace Carter. He should know that by now.

As I walked back into the house and up to my room I still couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Eli on my bed. I don’t know what’s going on with Walter lately, but he’s really kicked it up a notch. He’s really become the man I need in my life.

“So really,” Eli began as he looked over to me. “what’s going on with you? Last I saw you were happy, and had both your eyes.”

“Feel like both is generous.” I teased, side stepping the question.

“Come on.” Eli pressured. “You can tell me.”

“I met my birth father.” I forced out as I took a seat on Aaron’s bed.

“Oh.” He exhaled. “How’d that go?”

“Not well.” I shook my head. “He told me he never shoulda had me, then someone from my old gang saw us together. They killed him, cause of me.”

“That’s a lot to swallow.” Eli observed with a serious look. “How are you taking it?”

“You tell me.” I sighed as my eye drifted.

“You fall back into bad habits?” He asked as I nodded my head. “It’s alright,” He shrugged. “it’s going to happen.”

“I snapped at my mom.” I confessed. “I just lost it on her.”

“You apologize yet?” He asked but as I fell quiet got his answer. “Then go.”

“Right now?” I asked, looking back up at him.

“No time like the present.” He pressured with a serious look.

“Alright.” I accepted in a sigh before getting back to my feet and walking out of the room. “Mom.” I called out as she left Tak’s room.

“Yes?” She asked as she grew closer.

“I-I’m sorry for how I’ve been this past week.” I tried to apologize. “I, I shouldn’t’ve snapped at you. I love you.”

“I love you too.” She let out a sigh of relief and pulled me in close. “Are you starting to feel better?”

“I think so,” I forced a nod. “but I don’t know, it’s gonna take time.”

“And that’s okay.” She tried to comfort. “You’ve been through a lot. Let’s just take it one step at a time.”

“I can do that.” I agreed holding her close once more.

“Oh and Riley,” She began as I pulled away. “we’re going to have a serious conversation about marijuana once Eli leaves.”

“Alright.” I sighed turning back towards my room and shutting the door behind me.

“Feel better?” Eli asked with a smile.

“Don’t know.” I shrugged.

“You will.” He quickly nodded his head. “You’ve started holding onto hate again, and you know what happens when you do that?” He asked but I fell quiet. “You enter a war with love.”

“You like a walking hallmark card.” I teased, trying my hardest to downplay the moment.

“I’ve been told,” He laughed. “but you understand what I’m trying to say, right?”

“Yeah.” I confirmed as our eyes connected. “How can I just let the past go though?”

“No one’s telling you to.” He began to explain. “We just want you to learn and grow from it. Even if it means taking two steps forward and three steps back sometimes.”

“I feel like you don’t do that.” I shook my head.

“I do,” He exhaled in a deep sigh. “I’m still struggling to forgive my own Dad.”

“I get that.” I nodded my head. We both grew quiet for a minute or two until finally I looked back up at him. “You still miss him?” I asked in a brave breath.

“Don’t think I ever did.” He shook his head. I could tell he knew what I meant, but purposely avoided it.

“Not your Dad.” I shot down. “Jamie.”

His eyes fell away but he forced them back up. “Every. Single. Day.” He emphasized. “People tell me it’ll get easier, but I don’t know if it ever will. I still think of him when I see things,” Eli began. “like that Maserati in the driveway. Jamie would’ve loved that.”

“He still does.” I tried to comfort.

“I know.” Eli nodded, trying to hide the water in his eyes.

“You ever wonder why life is like this?” I asked as our eyes connected once more.

“Not anymore.” He shook his head. “Life doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t have to. But when your roll with the punches, well, you find reasons to keep moving on.”

“Yeah.” I accepted in a sigh. “We’ll be okay.” I nodded.

“We’ll be okay.” He agreed in a deep breath.

I should’ve listened when Walter said I’ve changed. When he warned me that what used to work for me won’t anymore. Instead I walled him off and kept forcing things my way, I walled them all off. Now I see that wasn’t okay. Now I see I have to make it up to them, and if there’s anyone that can help me with that, it’s Eli.