The Cockney Canuck - 128. Chapter 128 You're All Crazy!

“Stephanie! What the fuck?”

She was wearing a big black coat with a red and white Christmassy tuque and a matching scarf that covered her mouth. I could only see the top half of her bright red face, but she could see all of me. I froze in my chair, instinctively pushing my legs together and cupping my hands in front of my pole-like penis.

She looked as surprised as I was, as we stared at each other for what felt like ages before she covered her eyes with her gloved hands, and turned her back on me to spare my blushes. I pulled off my headphones and leapt from the chair to slam the door shut. Then stood with my back against it, breathing hard.

‘Fuck. This isn’t good. Not good at all’.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to walk in on you.”

I was too embarrassed to reply, so I just stood there, hoping she would go away. A few seconds later, she tapped on the door.

“Are you okay?”

‘Am I okay? I was okay until you showed up. How did she even get in’?

“What do you want?”

“I need your help!”

She sounded agitated and nothing like the fun-loving girl I was used to talking to. I ran to my wardrobe to search for something to wear.

“What kind of help?”

“Nicola’s outside, and I can’t get her in.”

‘Shit’!

It started to make sense. I skipped my underwear and dragged on an old pair of jeans.

‘I thought Nicola was with her boyfriend’.

“What’s wrong with her?”

“She fell over and won’t get up. She’s been drinking. We have to get her inside. It’s too cold out there.”

“Okay, I’m coming.”

I grabbed a t-shirt from my drawer and opened the door. Stephanie was standing directly outside, facing me. She smiled timidly and looked down at my jeans. They did little to hide my boner. It pointed out at a ridiculous angle, stretching the well-worn denim and making it look much bigger than it was. She stared quizzically at it, and then flashed me an embarrassed smile.

I covered my crotch with the t-shirt and turned to face the window, leaving her standing in the doorway, while I finished dressing.

There was worse to come.

“Is that Nathan?”

The mention of his name made me jump again. The sound was muted, but the video was still playing, and my ex-boyfriend was about to reach his finale. For a few seconds, Nicola’s plight was forgotten about, as Stephanie and I watched him coat his abdomen in a fountain-like display of wanton graphic porn.

It was one of his more accomplished finishes, and compulsive viewing, even for Stephanie who stared open-mouthed at the screen until it went blank. For me, it was an unmitigated disaster. I was already badly losing a battle of wills with a penis demanding the same kind of attention, but Stephanie’s presence forced me to cork it.

“It’s just someone who looks like him.” I swallowed hard. It was the best I could do.

She looked suitably disturbed when she saw me with my hand down the front of my jeans, before remembering why she was there.

“What are you doing? We have to help Nicola!”

I followed her upstairs, aware that we had to get my sister indoors quickly. Lying outside in those temperatures was a quick way out of this world. At twenty-two below freezing, hyperthermia and frostbite were real dangers.

In the hallway, I yanked open the closet to grab my hat and coat, then picked up a pair of Nicola’s from the shelf. When I stepped outside, the cold attacked me from every direction. It was vicious, biting at my exposed face as I joined Stephanie on the snow-covered lawn.

“She’s gone!”

“Where?”

“How do I know. She was here a minute ago.” She sounded anxious and on the verge of tears as she pointed to a flat area of snow by the frozen path. “Nicola, where the fuck, are you?”

“NICOLA!” I yelled as loud as I could while Stephanie walked to the road looking up and down the desolate street, but there was no answer. It didn’t make sense because there were no footprints in the snow on either side of the house and it hadn’t snowed that day.

The town was eerily quiet, no cars or people and hardly any wind. Just a suffocating, unbearable, cold that numbed my exposed skin. After a few minutes, my sight became blurred as my eyes watered and froze my eyelashes together. I had to keep blinking to see Stephanie as she walked along the side of the road calling my sister’s name.

I wasn’t properly dressed and desperately needed to get inside. My mouth was dry, and my lips were frozen as I shouted again. “NICOLA!”

“What are you doing?”

She was standing just inside the front door and laughed when she saw me jump.

“You scared the fucking shit out of me. I thought you were dead.” I waved at Stephanie—who was already walking back towards the house—and then stumbled past my sister into the hall.

I was colder than I had ever been before. Too cold to talk or swear at her. So I ran into the kitchen and sat on the tiled floor to pull off my boots. My sockless feet were red and stinging, my face was numb, my ears were burning, and the hairs inside my nose were frozen, making it difficult to breathe.

In the hall, Stephanie was berating my sister. It was a rare occurrence, but she was scared and had every right to be angry. I wanted to keep away from both of them, but I couldn’t stand up.

Nicola was having the same problem but for different reasons. She bounced off the doorframe when she joined me in the kitchen with a silly grin and red eyes that were only half-open.

‘She’s stoned’!

I laughed as she leaned against the fridge and slid down onto her backside, legs akimbo.

It was a disturbing view that made me wish I had stayed outside.

“Why are you wearing my gloves?”

“Because I couldn’t find mine; I was in a hurry.”

“Take them off, you're gonna ruin them!”

At least my erection had gone as I jumped to my feet, took off her gloves and threw them at her in anger.

“You, ungrateful bitch, I was trying to help you!”

“Well you took your time; I could’ve died waiting for you out there.”

I cringed when Stephanie joined us, fearing she was about relay her experience to her friend.

“Robbie was asleep. I had to wake him.” She looked sheepishly towards me. It was an unexpected act of compassion, but she didn’t look comfortable lying for me, and I wondered how long it would be before she let it slip.

“It wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so stoned,” I added.

“We had a couple of joints that’s all, didn’t we Steph?”

Stephanie wasn’t anywhere near as wrecked as my sister, but she didn’t deny her involvement. Her reactions were slower than usual, and she had the same grin, especially when she was talking to me.

“Are you okay?”

“I think so.”

She grabbed my hands. “No, you're not, you're freezing.”

I wasn’t sure what to think when she put her arms around my waist and pressed herself against me, but it amused Nicola. She was laughing at the bewildered look on my face, as her friend began rubbing my back and arms while holding me tight against her warm body.

“You're scaring him, Steph.”

“Ignore her,” said Stephanie. “I’m giving you some of my body heat. That’s how you warm someone up when they’re freezing.”

Nicola rolled her eyes. “Oh my God, Steph. We’re not climbing Everest. It’s like a fucking sauna in here. I’m sure he’ll survive. But if it turns you on.”

My sister was starting to look pale as she struggled to her feet. If, as suggested, her friend was getting any kind of thrill from rubbing herself against me, then she disguised it well, but the same couldn’t be said of me. With a double dose of Viagra coursing through my veins, my hypersensitive dick was quick to thaw and was getting hard again.

I was convinced Stephanie was doing it on purpose, but she looked surprised when she felt it expanding between us.

‘What did she expect’?

My embarrassment was complete, but mercifully my sister had her own problems to worry about. After a couple of coughs, she made a hasty retreat to the bathroom to expel the contents of her stomach.

As soon as we were alone, Stephanie relinquished her grip and took a couple of steps back. I could see her eyes repeatedly glancing down at the protruding lump in my jeans, so I tried to shield it with my hands, which made her laugh.

“Do I turn you on, Robbie?”

“No. Maybe a little. There’s a reason why this is happening.”

“It’s okay, I know how they work, silly. Are you bi-sexual?”

“No, I just…”

“Don’t be embarrassed. I think it’s cute.”

“What?”

“I think it’s cute that you have a crush on me. Does Nicola know?”

“No. I mean no; I don’t have a crush on you.”

She put her finger to my lips to silence me, as the bathroom door opened.

“I won't say anything.” She grabbed my hands and began rubbing them in hers. “Never go outside in this weather without proper gloves, okay? You can get frostbite. Nicola’s gloves are too thin. How are your feet?”

They were red and still a little numb, but the rest of me was hot, excited, and more than a little confused.

“They’ll be fine,” I croaked.

Even a stoned Nicola could see something was going on, and she gave us an odd look as she walked past holding her head.

“Why don’t you go to bed,” said Stephanie, but my sister ignored her and guzzled down a glass of water spilling half of it down her skimpy top.

She burped and then giggled. “How’s he doing? Do you think he’ll live?”

“He’s okay, now,” said Stephanie. “I don’t think he realised how cold it was outside.”

“He’s a dork!”

If they wanted to talk about me behind my back, I thought it would be better if I weren’t there, so I went downstairs to change. I swapped my jeans for a comfortable and more forgiving pair of knee-length swimming shorts and found a baggier t-shirt and some socks. A slightly unusual choice of bed wear perhaps, but these were exceptional circumstances, and Stephanie had already seen way too much of my appendage.

When I returned, my sister was having trouble staying awake. A stoned Nicola was usually harmless, if extremely annoying, but I had never seen her this wrecked before.

“You're totally shitfaced.”

“Don’t make fun of me. I got you a bareback.”

“What did you just say?”

“I said I brought you a bareback. I thought you’d like it.”

I stared hard at her. “That’s not funny, Nicola.”

“It’s not meant to be. We felt sorry for you, didn’t we Steph?” She turned her head, but Stephanie wasn’t there. “Where did she go?”

“She’s right behind you.”

“No, she isn’t, she’s here,” said Nicola. “Ask her nicely, and she’ll give you one.” She thought it was funny, but I just rolled my eyes.

Stephanie sniggered. “Give him what?”

“Whatever you want, Steph, I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

“I think she means this,” said Stephanie. She reached into her bag and handed me a bottle of Labatt’s.

I fell about laughing. “You mean you brought me a beer back. That’s cool.”

“That’s what I said, dork.”

“No, you didn’t you said …. Oh never mind, you're totally off your face. You need to go to bed.”

“I don’t trust you,” she said. “You can sleep in my room, Steph, and I’ll sleep downstairs with him.”

“My name’s Robbie, and I’m not sleeping in the same room as you! You’ll keep me awake all night.” Stephanie looked confused. “She snores!”

“No, I don’t!”

“You do; I can hear you at night.”

“You can hear her from the basement?” said Stephanie. “Geez, Nicola, you must be really loud.”

“No,” I said. “They made me sleep in the spare room upstairs to stop me from molesting Daniel.”

Stephanie looked shocked, but Nicola laughed. “See, you can’t trust him. You're not safe.”

“But he’s gay!”

“It doesn’t matter, Steph, he’ll fuck anything.”

“Thanks, Nicola! I think highly of you too.”

I laughed, it was hilarious, but I needed to set the record straight. “Don’t listen to her, Stephanie. I’m not like that at all. She bought me Viagra!”

Nicola fell off her chair, laughing. “You took some, didn’t you? This is too funny. Did it work?”

Stephanie was blushing and trying not to laugh, but at least she knew the reason for my predicament.

I exchanged a quick and very awkward glance with her, as Nicola made herself comfortable on the floor. She chuckled to herself for a few minutes looking at the ceiling, before falling asleep.

‘Great! She couldn’t have picked a worse place to pass out’.

I was quite prepared to leave her where she was, but I didn’t want to scare Amy, who would be awake in less than four hours and wanting breakfast.

“We’re gonna have to get her into bed,” said Stephanie. “Where do you want to put her?”

“In the cupboard.”

“What?”

“I mean upstairs in her room, I suppose. I don’t want her in the basement with me. Unless you would rather sleep upstairs.”

Her eyes followed me to the sink, where I filled a small cup with cold water.

“It’s okay,” she said, smiling. “I trust you not to molest me.” I wasn’t sure if I could say the same about her, but I was past caring at that stage, and my dick was still defying gravity. “Does it hurt?”

“What?”

She pointed at my shorts and raised her eyebrows, but it wasn’t nearly as visible as it was.

“The only thing that hurts is my pride. Don’t believe Nicola; I’m not into girls or even boys lately. I’ll explain later after we get rid of the body.”

“The body?”

I pointed to my sister. “Come on, Nicola. You have to get up. I’m not gonna carry you upstairs.” I was standing over her, but she was out cold. “Fine. You left me no option.” I tipped the water over her face and stepped back laughing as she flinched, wiped herself with her arm and rolled onto her side to go back to sleep. “Shit!”

“What now?” asked Stephanie. “You wanna try electric shocks?”

It sounded like fun. “How do we do that?”

“Oh my God, I was joking, Robbie! She’s not gonna wake up. We have to carry her upstairs.”

“In that case, she can sleep in the basement. It’ll be a lot easier pushing her downstairs than carrying her up, right?”

“We’re not gonna push her down the stairs.”

“Gently?”

“NO! We have to carry her. You're all crazy, do you know that? The whole family.”

I already had my suspicions.

“Fine, we can do it now if you want. Do you wanna go top or bottom?” I smiled, but Stephanie looked a little perplexed. “Hands or feet?”

For the second time that night, I had to carry one of my adopted siblings upstairs to bed, albeit with a little help from her friend. Amy type privileges didn’t apply to older sisters, so we left her in the recovery position on the floor.

*     *     *

It was three-thirty when I switched off the lights and joined Stephanie in the basement. She was already in bed watching TV, but I needed to talk to her.

She was usually fun to talk to and the most likeable and relaxed of my sister’s friends, but that night our relationship had changed. She became more of a friend than a casual acquaintance, and I was about to test this newfound friendship in an attempt to secure her silence.

The flickering glow from the television bathed the basement in blue and provided just enough light for me to see her sitting up in bed. It would be difficult to talk to her in the morning with Nicola around, so it was now or never.

“Stephanie, can we talk?”

She must have known what I was going to say. “It’s okay, you don’t need to explain. You're not the first boy to be caught doing that. I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“It’s embarrassing for me.”

She looked over and smiled. “I can imagine.” It wasn’t quite the reassurance I was hoping for, and I stared at her from across the room.

“It would be even worse if people found out. Like in school and stuff.”

She glanced at me for a second before returning to her movie. “Totally.”

‘Totally. What the fuck does that mean? C’mon Stephanie, help me out here’.

“What I’m trying to say is.”

“Would you like another beer?”

“What? No, that’s not what I wanted to say.” I watched her walk across the room in her underwear to take another bottle from her bag. “You have more?”

“This is the last one, but we can share it if you want?” She smiled as she climbed back into bed and patted the space next to her. “Come lie down with me.”

Sharing a beer was one thing, but sharing a bed set off alarm bells. That only meant one thing, and even though my dick was screaming for attention, I wasn’t sure if I was ready for another dabble in the straight world.

“You do realise I’m gay, right?”

She giggled and covered her mouth. “I know that, silly. That’s why I asked you. I wasn’t offering you sex. Do you want the beer or not? Come on, I can’t talk to you all the way over there.”

Talking was the only way to save my dignity, and I thought another beer would help to ease my problem. So when she held the bottle tantalisingly in her hand, and I walked across the room to join her.

‘The things I do for alcohol’.

After a large gulp of lukewarm Labatt’s, I passed it back with a spontaneous belch.

“Anyway, what I was saying was.”

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I won't tell anyone.”

“You mean it?”

“Of course. Why would I wanna do that?”

“I dunno, people do.”

“Look, if it helps, you're not the first guy I’ve caught beating off, I walked in on my brother once. He was in the bath and forgot to lock the door.”

“What David?” I pressed my legs together at the mere thought of it. My dick didn’t need any more encouragement.

“Yes, David. He was really going for it too. It was almost as bad as you, but not quite.”

Her disclosure didn’t exactly boost my confidence, and I wondered if I could ever trust her.

“Did you tell anyone?”

“No, of course not. He’s my brother, I’m not gonna embarrass him like that.”

“But you just told me.”

“That’s different.”

“Oh.” I watched a bit of the movie before continuing. “So will you be telling him about me?”

“No.”

“Then why did you tell me about him?”

“Because you asked.”

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t ask you if you had ever caught your brother wanking.”

“I’m not telling you; it’s private.”

I looked at her and laughed. Then swallowed another mouthful of beer and shuddered.

“It’s too late, Stephanie. You already told me.”

It was a timely reminder that the girl I was talking to was still under the influence of drugs. It was a pointless exercise. Whatever we agreed, she would most likely forget about by the morning. The only thing she was certain to remember was catching me pumping my dick. Despite her well-meaning offer of silence, I wasn’t overly confident about my chances of keeping this out of the public domain.

My situation was tenuous. Pumped with Viagra and perched on the edge of a bed with a female occupant who had been flirting with me for the best part of a year. My chances of making it out of there without blowing a load were almost zero, and she must have realised this too.

She thought it was funny when she saw me staring at her bosoms.

“They’re thirty-four D,” she said proudly. I had no idea what that meant, but it sounded impressive. “I can show you if you want?”

“What? No, it’s okay.”

“Are you scared?”

“Of your breasts? No.”

“Of girls?”

“Yes, definitely.”

She laughed. “At least you're honest. This is fun, don’t you think? Like a girl’s sleepover.”

“Only I’m not a girl.”

“I noticed, but it doesn’t matter. Tell me what boys you like in school.”

“Why do girls always ask that?”

“Because we wanna know.”

“There are a lot of guys I like at school.”

“I want names,” she demanded. “Don’t worry, I won't tell anyone. How about Rory, I know you like him.”

“We’re mates; it doesn’t mean I like him in that way.”

“But you do, don’t you?”

“Yes, of course.”

“How about, Andy?”

“He’s okay.”

She narrowed her eyes at me and pulled the sheet up to her neck. “Only okay? I think he’s cute.”

“Look, if you're talking about boys in my class, then you need to look closer to home.” I smiled as she studied my face. Then her eyes opened wide.

“You like my brother?”

“You wanted the truth.”

“Oh my God, does he know?”

“Of course not, and don’t tell him. This is a secret, remember? And you know how important it is to keep secrets.”

“Do you wanna know what he was doing in the bath?”

I sighed. My advice fell on deaf ears. It was obviously too subtle for her.

I was caught between an easily breached set of values and the pressing need to ejaculate, so I took the bull by the horns.

“You can demonstrate if you want.”

She thought about it for a while, looking puzzled. “I don’t have a penis.”

That kind of summed it up. It was an obvious fault, but an omission that—for the sake of my sanity—I was prepared to ignore. My treacherous penis, for so long bereft of attention was no longer concerned with gender or humility, and could not be contained.

I found her hand and placed it on top of my erection. “You can use mine.”

She gave me a playful slap and attempted to look shocked like it was in some way unexpected.

Even in the semi-darkness, I could see her blushing. As she inched closer, I felt her knee against my thigh, and when her foot made contact with mine, it stayed there, gently rubbing against my instep.

After that, everything happened very quickly. She was fast and furious; rolling on top of me and sliding her hand down the front of my shorts. Lost in the moment, I instinctively tried to do the same, reaching for a penis that wasn’t there.

Instead, I found a pair of panties with a crotch no wider than a G-string, and a slippery opening that threatened to swallow me whole. If I needed any more proof that I was dealing with the opposite sex, they were staring me in the face, wrapped in the iconic emblem of all femininity. The elasticated bra in a thirty-four D latex cup.

She pulled my t-shirt over my head and tossed it into the air before despatching with my shorts with similar haste, kicking them off my feet to the bottom of the bed. Meanwhile, like a fool, I had my arms around her back fiddling with a fastening that no gay man should ever mess with.

“I don’t know how this works,” I said, but she had no intention of leaving them wrapped. As her bra fell onto my chest, I was hit in the face by her supersized bosoms. They were at least double the size of Fran’s, and unrestricted, they quickly became a problem, hitting me across the head and threatening me with suffocation.

I was relieved to see them disappear under the sheet along with their owner, who kissed her way down my chest, before gliding her lips over my swollen tool. Stephanie was enthusiastic; working her tongue around a seemingly familiar object, and leaving me teetering on the brink. She knew what she was doing and clear about her intentions, grabbing my hand and pushing it between her legs while moaning quick sharp breaths into my ear.

I would have been content with a blowjob, but Stephanie had been eyeing my Viagra powered penis from the moment she walked in on me and was determined to make good use of it.

I sank into her like a lead weight in quicksand. She was hot, wet, and roomy and nothing like Nathan’s snug corridor. At times, it was like making love to a shopping bag, and I fell out more than once to groans of disappointment, but my flagpole never faltered.

Halfway through sexual intercourse probably wasn’t the best time to realise I wasn’t cut out for this line of work. I began to lose interest and struggled to remain focused.

I could have easily finished the job myself, Nathan style, with a few pumps of my clenched fist, but she politely refused my offer to jizz on her face. I guess she wanted to get off too, but she had to do that bit herself.

She was happy to take control as we switched positions for a frenetic, rodeo-style, pounding that threatened to break the sofa-bed, and wake not only Nicola but the entire neighbourhood.

I was fascinated by her facial expressions as she expertly guided herself to an orgasm, which seemed to last much longer than anything I had experienced. She was totally lost in the moment, biting her lip, and pushing down onto my dick, as she whimpered like a puppy.

It made me feel a lot better, knowing she reached a climax, even if she had to do it herself. Alas, my only contribution to our chaotic lovemaking was a Viagra fuelled erection, a half-baked smile, and finally—to the relief of both of us—half-a-dozen squirts of my finest vintage.

She closed her eyes and gently writhed on top of me with a contented smile, which I was happy to share. Then she lowered her head to blow a stream of warm air across my face.

“Not bad for a gay guy.”

She was generous with her praise, my performance was woeful at best, saved only by a double-helping of black-market Viagra, supplied by my sister. Maybe Stephanie was right. The whole family were nutjobs.

For me, it was all about getting off and the culmination of a marathon five-hour wanking session, which she had interrupted and then finished. The embarrassment she caused was no longer an issue, but a source of amusement, and a secret she had sworn to keep.

Stephanie was the second female I penetrated, but unlike with Fran, I wasn’t confused. There were no question marks hanging over my head concerning my sexuality. If anything, it only confirmed I was gay, and I had no intention of ever revisiting the black hole.

I was still naked and searching the room for my shorts when the bathroom door opened lighting up the basement.

Stephanie giggled when she saw me without a hard-on. She was wrapped in a towel and smelled of Daniel’s shampoo.

“I had a shower, I hope you don’t mind. I was a little messy.”

“Yeah, I get it. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay. I liked it. Was you saving that up or something?” She put her arms around me. “Robbie, it doesn’t mean anything, okay. It’s only sex. You don’t have to marry me. It can be another of our secrets. You don’t tell anyone about this, and I won't tell anyone about earlier.”

I couldn’t have wished for a better outcome, and I was confident now that she would keep her word.

“Thanks, Stephanie. You're the best.”

“I know I am. Just don’t go thinking we’re anything more than just friends, okay? It was fun, but you're definitely gay. Go and have a shower and then get some sleep. And remember your bed is in that room.” She kissed me on my nose and slapped my butt to send me on my way. Then followed me to the door. “That was Nathan in that video, wasn’t it?”

“What video?”

She narrowed her eyes at me and smiled, but as I closed the door, my dick was already on the rise again.

It was daylight when I finished my shower and Stephanie was already asleep. I felt guilty for cheating on Conner, but I didn’t regret what I did. Neither did I blame her. She may have instigated it, but I was a willing participant throughout, and never once objected. I guess she got what she wanted in the end, but I suspect she may have been a little disappointed. It didn’t matter to me. As long as Nicola didn’t find out, everything would be fine.