Gap Year - 18. Chapter 18

 

February 7, 2004

In the air over Pennsylvania

 

Will

I woke up in my cabin on Stef’s plane and yawned, then got up and stretched. We’d left super-early, so rather than being all pissed off about it, I’d made up for it by sleeping on the flight. Two things had woken me up: my alarm, which I’d set to go off when we were supposed to be getting close to New York; and my stomach, because I was hungry. I brushed my teeth, dicked around with my hair for a minute, then went out to forage. I wasn’t surprised to see Grand and Stef in the Board Room, relaxing in the comfy chairs as they both read something.

“I see you have awakened, thus saving me the trouble of seeking you out,” Grand said.

“Indeed, I have arisen,” I answered, emulating his stuffy style. “For this part of the trip, I’ve decided to be Christ-like.”

“I suspect that this is the only part of the trip where that would be the case,” Stef said. In the past, he’d have said that in a judgmental way and we would probably be on our way to an argument, but today he was joking, so I laughed. It was so refreshing to be at a good place with him.

“You’re probably right,” I agreed. I went up to the galley and dug through the stores, then dragged my victuals back to the table and started eating. “You can help yourself,” I said to Tom.

“I’m fine,” he lied.

“When you go get food for yourself, would you bring me back one of those bananas?” Grand asked, all but forcing Tom to eat. Stef and I giggled.

“Right then,” Tom said, and strode up to the galley. As soon as he left, Stef zeroed in on me, kind of freaking me out.

“I am wondering if I may ask you a question?” Stef asked.

“Sure,” I said, then took a bite of the cheese danish I’d grabbed.

“I am worried that I may offend you, so I am hoping you will understand I am merely curious,” he said nervously.

“It’s fine, Stef,” I said casually. “What’s the question?”

“I am wondering why you seem to migrate toward men who are straight-acting, and seem to avoid those who are not?” he asked. I had to treat this one carefully, since Stef was very obviously gay, while unless people knew that I was, I didn’t have much that gave away my total homo-ness. It always worried me that he thought because I didn’t usually hook up with dudes like him, that I didn’t think he was attractive.

“That’s a good question,” I said, then took another bite of my danish as I pondered how to answer it. “I think I’m drawn to those guys because I like to do what are normally considered boy things.”

“Boy things?” asked Grand.

“I like sports and hiking and things like that,” I said. “I don’t mind getting dirty, and bugs and snakes don’t bother me.”

“That is a classic generalization of gender,” Grand scolded. “Being a boy or being a man is not defined by being outdoorsy and active.” Sometimes he could be pedantic.

“I didn’t realize I was defending myself in the hallowed chambers of academia, so I didn’t worry about clearly defining my terms,” I said, using words I’d picked up from reading academic papers.

“You are not,” Stef said, and gave Grand an annoyed look. “So you are saying that it is not so much the mannerisms of the man, but his hobbies and what he does?”

I thought about that for a bit. “Maybe. It’s not like I avoid dudes who are burning their external fairy, it’s just that they usually aren’t into stuff that I like. At least I think that’s what it is.”

“What are they into that you are not?” Stef asked.

“The gay guys at school were mostly into theater, or gaming, or fashion, or that anime stuff,” I said. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t like some of those things, but it’s not a passion for me.”

“I can see that,” Stef said, considering my words.

“You are still learning and growing,” Grand said. “There is no need for you to have all of your answers at this age.” I ignored him and continued on with answering Stef’s question.

“I think another reason is that I understand dudes who are straight, or who think they are. I understand guys who are in the closet. I think that mostly comes from my time with Zach. I think to them, it makes me safe, and for me, I’m pretty stoked to be the one they trust.”

“That is interesting,” Stef said, as he pondered my words. “So it is almost the exclusivity of the relationship that you find attractive? The fact that they chose you to express one of their most private things?”

I thought about that for a minute and found myself pretty confused. “I mean, that is pretty flattering. I don’t know.”

“There are a few other things that may contribute to your attraction to masculine men,” Grand said.

“Are you not attracted to masculine men?” I teased.

“I certainly am,” Stef said, making me laugh.

Grand gave me a steely look that didn’t faze me at all. “Your gay role models, with a few notable exceptions, are all men who could easily pass as straight men.”

“I can see that,” I said as I nodded. I paused to think about what he’d said, and they gave me the time to ponder it. Grand was not very athletic, but his mannerisms were those of a classic gentleman, and if one did not look for the signs he was gay, one would miss them. I wondered if that was because of all the time he’d had to spend in the closet when he was younger. My father, Jake, Matt, Wade, and Cody were all very masculine, as had been Robbie. “I think the only person I’m close to who isn’t like that is Stef.” As I said that, I gave him a loving smile, to let him know that I appreciated the man he was.

“Perhaps we have failed you,” Grand said, and was clearly intending to go down the self-flagellation road and blame my flawed upbringing.

“You’re suggesting there’s something wrong with me?” I challenged.

“We are landing soon, and thus we certainly do not have time to delineate your various flaws,” Stef said, teasing me. We laughed, while Grand was still deep in thought.

“I am wondering if there is another factor involved,” Grand said. I just stared at him, waiting for him to go on. “Men like you describe, men like Connie, are inherently safe because they can’t or won’t be in an open relationship with you.”

I blinked at him as I thought about that. “Well, I was in a pretty intense relationship with Zach, even though that wasn’t entirely open,” I countered. That was the understatement: other than family, no one knew we were together. We’d all noticed that I’d referred to Zach and me in the past tense.

“Perhaps that is why,” Stef said. That really freaked me out.

“You think I’m dating straight-acting guys so they don’t get too close to me and hurt me?” I asked, probably a bit more aggressively than I should have.

“I’m just tossing that out as a topic for discussion,” Grand said.

“I’ll think about that,” I said. I’d been pretty smug about handling straight-ish guys well, but maybe it was just my own fears and insecurities that pushed me toward them, and not my skills at figuring out what they wanted. As we were landing in New York, and I was focused on that, I decided to push my weird psychological problems to the side for the moment.

“We’ll be on the ground in fifteen minutes,” Tom said, as he sat at the table with his plate of food and handed Grand his banana.

“It’s sexy when he eats it,” I said to Tom with a wink, getting a frown from Grand and a giggle from Stef. As if to make sure that wasn’t the case, Grand tore off small pieces of the banana and put them in his mouth, rather than swallowing it like it was a dick.

“Are you planning to stay with JJ?” Stef asked.

“I was under the impression that we were all staying with JJ,” I said, tensing up. Last time we’d come out to New York for fashion week, JJ and Stef had a massive fight, and Stef had ended up moving to the Waldorf. No one wanted a repeat of that shit show. “I think it’s important that we do that so he knows there are no hard feelings.”

“I completely agree,” Grand said.

Stef gave us both exasperated looks. “I am aware of the issues,” he said testily. “I asked you because I got a suite at the Bryant Park hotel, and it has an adjoining room I reserved for you.”

“I don’t understand,” I said honestly. “Are you staying with JJ or not?”

“I am planning to stay with JJ, but I also have rooms near the event in case I need my own space,” Stef said.

“That is an interesting way to phrase it,” Grand said, chuckling.

“You got us hook-up pads?” I asked, laughing.

“That is not the only reason for personal space,” Stef objected. He was getting flustered, and there was no reason to antagonize him.

“Thank you. I get it,” I said sincerely. “It will be nice to have an escape hatch either for the show, or if JJ pisses me off.”

“You are welcome,” Stef said with a gentle smile, so glad that I got where he was coming from with this hotel deal. “Have you spoken with Patrick?”

“No,” I said, letting my annoyance show. “I called him a week ago, and I called him last night. Left messages each time. No callback.”

“That is unfortunate,” Stef said sympathetically.

“It is,” I agreed. “If he’s busy, or in a new relationship, that’s fine. The least he could do is call me and let me know.”

“Not too long ago, you were vaunting your skills in understanding straight men,” Grand noted. “Perhaps you are unable to do that with Patrick?”

I gave him a truly evil look, then I thought about what he said. I’d been looking at this from my own viewpoint and hadn’t really pondered what was going through his head. “Well, common courtesy and good manners aren’t too much to ask,” I said grumpily.

“Are they?” Stef asked. “Perhaps in this case, that is more than he is capable of.”

“You’re saying there’s a reason he’s avoiding me,” I concluded.

“I don’t think I’m saying that, I think I’m suggesting that,” Grand said, ever the one to put in a disclaimer.

“You think he’s mad at me?” I asked them. That made no sense. We had a good relationship, and nothing about our time together or communications had been negative. Shit, at the last fashion show I’d busted my ass to come out and spend time with him, just because he asked me to.

“Maybe he’s afraid of you,” Stef said.

“Why would he be afraid of me?” I asked. That made no sense to me at all. “I’m not going to hurt him. I care about the guy.”

“Maybe he’s not afraid of what you’ll do to him, maybe he’s afraid that seeing you will muck him up, or this new relationship he’s in,” Tom said. It was funny how he didn’t say much, but when he did, it was pretty profound. I could totally see Patrick doing that, avoiding me, if he was worried that he’d be tempted to fuck me and that if he did that, it would ruin this new relationship he was in. I’d pretty much concluded that he was more into men than women, so that would make it even more difficult for him. I nodded to acknowledge his thoughts, then changed the subject, because once again they were diving a bit deep into my psyche.

“When we have some spare time, we should go sightseeing,” I said to Tom. “This is your first time in New York?”

“Right on that, mate. Just assume I’ve been nowhere,” he said, cracking me up.

“You’re in good hands,” I said in a slutty way, “because I’ve been around.” Tom rolled his eyes at me, and our conversation was ended when the plane touched down.

“Perhaps you will give JJ a call and alert him that we have arrived,” Stef said.

“It’s noon, so he’s probably up,” I joked. I gathered up my stuff, then called JJ.

“Hi,” he said cautiously as he answered the phone.

“Hey,” I said with extreme enthusiasm, just to annoy him. “We just landed!”

“You’re here?” he asked.

“Define here,” I said playfully.

“New York,” he snapped.

“Then I’m here,” I said, as if I was saying ‘shazam’. My way of dealing with JJ’s bitchy moods was to turn around and be more fucking happy than anyone could stand. There was a pause, probably because he was getting mildly enraged. It was hilarious. Finally, I heard a sigh.

“Well I didn’t know you were coming,” he said, mellowing out.

“Dude, you invited me,” I said. He’d been bugging the shit out of me to be here, why I had no idea.

“I did, and you responded by saying you would try to make it,” he said in a snipped sentence.

I responded accordingly, in my gleeful tone. “I did try, and I succeeded!”

“I’ll see you shortly,” he said, and hung up the phone. I shook my head and walked out of the plane and down the stairs. The pilots and Tom were frantically loading luggage into the vehicle, but if I tried to help, I’d only get in the way. I got in and let them worry about it.

“Did you get in touch with JJ?” Stef asked.

“I did, but he was all annoyed that I was here,” I said in a tone that wasn’t too far off JJ’s when he was being super bitchy.

“I thought he invited you?” Grand asked.

“He did, and I told him I’d try to make it,” I said.

“Did you follow up and tell him that you were going to be here?” Grand asked.

“No,” I said glumly, seeing where this was going, and knowing that I’d fucked up.

“If he invited you, then you should have replied to his invitation with a positive or negative response,” Grand said, acting like a judge.

“Well thank you for that, Emily Post,” I said sarcastically, making Stef giggle. “Anyway, he knows we’re on the way. Lucky for you all, I got him all fired up.”

“We could have done without that,” Stef said with dread. I sat back and watched the city go by, even as I thought about Grand’s words. He was right. I should have told JJ for sure that I was going to be here. It was annoying that his grumpiness was justified in this situation.

When we got to JJ’s building in Tribeca, the loading process reversed itself. The driver and Tom, along with the concierge, were busy tracking down a luggage cart and loading it up, while I grabbed my backpack and bolted up the four flights of stairs. I knocked loudly on the door, then let myself in, just as Jacinta, JJ’s housekeeper, walked through the door. “Hola!” I said, and gave her a big hug. We chatted a bit in Spanish until JJ made an appearance. He looked the same: very cute, very blond, and very short. He was like a twink personified. He was wearing some designer outfit that made him look gayer than me.

“Welcome,” he said, and gave me a warm hug. “Where’s everyone else?”

“They’re downstairs dicking around with luggage,” I said, then stared intently at him to make sure I had his attention. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you and let you know I was going to be here. I should have done that.”

That got me a huge smile in return, because JJ loved it when other people had to beg his forgiveness. He liked that almost as much as he hated it when it was his turn to apologize. “It’s all good. It just messed me up a bit with space planning.”

“You’re planning to go to space?” I asked, feigning seriousness. He rolled his eyes at me.

“No, but someone else is coming to stay, and I wanted to make sure we had enough bedrooms for everyone,” JJ noted.

“Dude, if you need me to stay somewhere else, I can do that,” I said.

“No, I figured it out. We’ll be fine,” he said.

Just then Stef and Grand walked through the door, followed by Tom and the concierge who were maneuvering the overloaded cart. “Hello there!” Stef said effusively, even as he gave JJ a big hug. While they were greeting each other, Tom and the concierge stacked the luggage in the entryway then the concierge left with the cart. “This is Tom, Stef’s new Julian,” I said, introducing him to JJ.

“Nice to meet you,” Tom said with his sexy Australian drawl.

“You are an improvement over Julian in so many ways,” JJ said with a smile, pouring on the charm.

“That is an understatement,” Stef said, with real venom in his voice, because he was still mad at Julian.

“So who’s this other guest who’s staying here?” I asked. That got everyone’s attention.

“Guest?” Stef asked curiously.

“Susannah Calthorpe called and she’s going to be in New York, so I invited her to stay here,” JJ said.

“She’s that hot redhead you walked down the aisle with at Alex’s wedding,” I said, remembering her. She was the daughter of the minister, or whatever they called those people in England.

“Yes,” he said flatly. “So I was just trying to figure out how to arrange our rooms.”

“Just put Tom in with Grand and Stef,” I said. “He’ll end up there anyway.” JJ raised an eyebrow, while Grand blushed and gave me an evil look. Tom just stood there stoically, as if this conversation didn’t involve him at all.

“You can put him in with me,” Jacinta said with a combination of a smile and a leer, which was hilarious. She was not attractive at all, but she finally did get a reaction from Tom: he turned so red his cheeks looked like they were covered in rouge. Stef, JJ, Jacinta, and I laughed hysterically at him.

“Tom, we have a room for you,” JJ said, being such a good host. He showed everyone where they would be sleeping, while I automatically wandered to the room John Carullo had used when he’d lived here.

Tom poked his head into my room. “Stef said not to worry about unpacking the bag he brought for you.”

“That’s awesome,” I said. “Thanks!” I let Stef control my wardrobe for the fashion show stuff, and that meant I wouldn’t have to worry about what I was wearing and when, and that I wouldn’t have to worry about unwrinkling the stuff in the suitcases. I had another small suitcase with my normal clothes, so I unpacked those, and then kicked back in the room. I was about to go upstairs to check out the balcony when JJ came in and closed the door behind him.

“I see you’re comfortable,” he said, since I had my laptop out and I was sprawled across the bed.

“I am,” I said. “See what a good host you are, making your guests just totally chill?”

“Yeah, I should run a fucking hotel,” he joked, then got somber. “It’s hard to be in this room without thinking of John.”

“Didn’t you go up to see him a couple of weeks ago?” I asked.

He nodded. “I bought that house for him and I wanted to go up and check on it.”

“How is it?”

“Well, they’re not used to making as many changes as I had planned, so that means I have to stay on them or they’ll build a room where a balcony is supposed to be,” he said grumpily, cracking me up. “It should be done in March.”

“That was a really nice thing you did for him,” I said.

“He’s a really nice guy, and I pretty much totally fucked up our relationship,” he said.

“He’s happy to see you when you visit, isn’t he?” I asked.

“Yeah, he is, and we have a great time,” he said sadly. “I just wish he was still here.”

“That sucks,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s whatever,” he said, trying to shrug it off. “He asked me what I was going to do when school was over.”

“Why?”

“He wanted to know if I wanted to come up and live with him,” JJ said.

“Wow,” I said. “That’s a pretty tough decision to make.”

“Not really,” JJ said. “I belong here. New York City is my life. If I lived in Connecticut, what the fuck would I even do?”

“Have sex with Carullo all the time,” I teased, making him chuckle. Carullo was an animal in bed, and a very skilled lover. I’d told JJ he would rock his world, and I’d been right.

“That makes it tempting,” he said. “I’m really involved in the fashion scene, and I’m starting to make a name for myself. People actively seek me out to get my opinion, especially on colors. And that keeps me on the cutting edge of things.”

“You mean Bellona is actually letting you out from under her supervision?” I teased. Bellona Carter was the lady who ran Mode magazine, and she’d pretty much made JJ swear an oath of fealty to her when he first got here.

“Sometimes,” he said, shaking his head.

“You found a place where you’re happy, and where you belong,” I summarized.

“I am happy, and I belong here, but I would be happier if John were here with me, but that’s not going to happen,” he said. Neither one of them would give up their careers for the other. I put my arm around him and gave him a sideways hug, because there really wasn’t anything I could say to make his situation any better.

“So how long is Zanie supposed to be in town?” I asked. That was Susannah’s nickname.

“She’s not coming to visit, she’s moving here,” he said. That was a little surprising.

“What’s that all about?”

“She got into an argument with her father and left,” he said in a clipped way, as if that was sufficient explanation.

“About what?” I asked.

“What’s with the fucking third degree?” he demanded, since I’d backed him into a corner.

“Is she going to live with you then?” I asked, unwilling to relent.

“For the time being,” he said, trying to get me to drop the whole thing. If I was talking to Darius, I’d have stopped asking questions as soon as he deflected, but JJ wasn’t Darius. He was more vulnerable, and I took it upon myself to look out for him.

“Alright, here’s the deal. You can keep dodging the issue here, but you know that until you lay out what’s going on with Zanie, I’m going to bug the shit out of you,” I said, with a combination of firmness and comedy.

“What gives you the right to pry into my business or hers?” he demanded, outraged.

“JJ, it’s your call, but think about this. Have I ever fucked you over after you trusted me before?” I asked. I wracked my memory as I posed that question, wondering if I had.

He gave me a truly evil look, then mellowed and sighed. “I didn’t tell you the whole story because it’s not really my place to. That decision belongs to Zanie.”

“I understand,” I said, and pulled out my phone. “I’ll give her a call.” I began scanning my contacts when he slapped the phone out of my hand.

“She had the fight with her father after she introduced him to her girlfriend,” JJ said. I actually jerked my head back in surprise. I had no idea she was a lesbian. I guess all of my vaunted skills with straight-acting dudes was useless on women who didn’t like guys.

“Dude, she’s gay?” I asked.

“She’s bisexual, but leans toward women,” JJ said. I’d always wondered what their relationship was like. He’d spent a ton of time with her in England and talked about her quite a bit. I always wondered if he was secretly fucking her. This explained a lot.

“When did she tell you this?” I asked.

“The day that I first met her, at Bridgemont,” he said, referring to the ancestral home of the Duke of Suffolk.

“She trusted you enough to tell you that,” I mused. He gave me a dirty look, as if I were questioning her judgment. “That’s pretty flattering. Props to you for being such a good friend.”

That got a smile. “Thanks.” He frowned again. “Ironically enough, we both lost our virginity to the same person.”

“Alex?” I asked, shocked. He nodded. “Is there anyone that dude hasn’t fucked?” I’d taken a risk with that, since I’d slept with him too, and I thought JJ and I were cool over it, but maybe not. I shouldn’t have worried.

“Probably not,” he said, laughing. “Like you can talk.”

“True that,” I said, laughing with him at my own slutty ways. “So basically she needed a place to land and you offered to let her stay here?”

“Pretty much,” he said.

I high fived him, which shocked him. “Way to be a good friend!”

“I try,” he said, pretending to be humble, something which he most definitely wasn’t.

“Seriously, I’m so impressed by how well you’re doing. You really reached out and made Carullo’s world better, and now you’re helping out Zanie.”

“A lot of good it does me,” he grumbled. “John likes me but can’t be with me, while Zanie likes me but likes girls better.”

I laughed at that. “You said she’s bisexual. Dude, she’s smoking hot. You should tap that!”

“It’s not always about sex,” he said, as if he had no libido.

“You don’t like sex? You mean sleeping with Carullo isn’t fun?” I asked, and watched him blush.

“Whatever,” he said, then changed the subject. “You talk to Patrick?”

“I called him twice, and he hasn’t called me back,” I said, my turn to grumble.

“He’s dating Tara McKinley,” he said.

I had no idea who she was. “Who?”

“Hang on.” He got up and left my room, then came back a few minutes later with an issue of Mode. “That’s her.”

“Holy fuck!” I said, staring at the picture. She was a model, and she was absolutely gorgeous. She was all the things a supermodel had to be: tall and slim, with chiseled features. Her brown hair had an auburn tint to it.

“So that’s probably why he hasn’t called you. He’s not going to dump her for you,” JJ said, totally getting it wrong.

“You’re probably right,” I lied.

“You’ll get to see them both tonight,” he said in a chipper way. “They’re at the party we're going to.”

“Terrific,” I said, contemplating how tense that could be.

“Just don’t make a scene,” he warned. I glared at him for that, since I knew how to behave at these events, even if I didn’t always follow all the rules.

“Whatever,” I said in an annoyed tone. “When does Zanie get in?”

“Not until tomorrow afternoon,” he said a bit sadly, which caused me to raise an eyebrow.

“Cool,” I said, then he left me alone to digest all the information he’d tossed at me. He also left the copy of Mode so I could stare at Tara McKinley.