I Hate This Town - 20. Chapter 20: Heart to Heart

They were at the outlook and Alec was sitting next to Finn on the tailgate. They were sitting shoulder to shoulder and Finn’s thigh was pressed to Alec’s. He didn’t have the weight on his chest any longer. Alec let his eyes slip closed as he concentrated on the warm sun. Everywhere Finn was touching him was electric. It was nearly painful, but Alec never wanted it to stop. Ever since they’d kissed in the car, Finn had been silent. That was Alec’s reasoning for focusing on his surroundings so hard. That way he didn’t think about how quiet the blond had been.

“So…” Alec had to break the silence. He couldn’t take it anymore.

“Give me a second. I, uh, I’m trying to resolve a problem.” Alec’s eyes popped open and he glanced down to where Finn’s hands covered his lap. He kept himself under control. Resisting the urge to faceplant in the other man’s lap.

“Take your time.” He said quietly, looking out over the fields below the outlook. It really was a beautiful day and Alec could hear other people walking the trails and laughing. Must be nice. Meanwhile, Alec was trying to keep up with the excess spit in his mouth while he sat next to the object of his desire. Funny how quickly his entire mindset had changed when he decided to just let himself be. River had told him to go with the flow millions of times. Alec didn’t know what had helped him let go, but he was thankful for it. It meant that his time near Finn wasn’t all out torture.

“I know you’re going to leave. I wish you weren’t.” Finn said softly, “How long are you staying?”

Alec turned his upper body to face Finn more. Finn wasn’t looking at him. He was staring straight ahead, the sun catching his eyes and splitting the irises into several beautiful shades of browns and caramels. Alec looked at him for a moment. He looked the same as he had when they’d been younger. He was simply a more muscular version with a five o’clock shadow that Alec was having thoughts about.

“I don’t know, to be honest.” Alec answered, mesmerized a bit by his eyes still.

“Right.” Finn sighed, rubbing his fingers over his scruff. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he rubbed his cheekbones and then his eyelids.

“I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say. What could he?

“Why? It’s like last time. You’ve been honest every step of the way.”

“I feel like I’ve led you on. I shouldn’t have kissed you or touched you. It was borderline mean.” Alec faced forward again when it was clear Finn wasn’t willing to look at him during this conversation, “You know…we never really talked about that night.”

“I’ve never wanted to. I think about it all the time, but I’ve been too much of a coward to address it.”

“I hurt you.” Alec said. A statement. Not a question because there wasn’t one. It was a fact.

“I wasn’t the only one who got hurt Alec. I freaked out and wasn’t great to you that night. I didn’t treat you fairly. I shouldn’t have ignored you after either. We needed to talk it out and I wouldn’t let us. I was so fucking stupid.” Alec pressed his thigh more against Finn’s as he ended the sentence angrier than he’d started it.

“I think about that night a lot too.” Alec said, still looking at Finn, “What if we’d communicated better? What if we’d made it work?”

“Alec,” Finn rubbed his thumbs against his eyelids again harder, “I wouldn’t have wanted you to go. I would have tried to make you stay here. You didn’t want that. You had hopes and dreams. It would have been wrong of me and it would’ve built resentment.”

“You could’ve come with. We could have started over together. I had River but having you has always been different.” Alec mumbled as he smashed his cheek against his hand, elbow balanced on his knee.

“Of course. I love you. River loves you too but it’s in a different way.” Finn’s hand slid across his lap and Alec allowed him to link their fingers. Alec tried to stomp down his flash of excitement when it occurred to him that Finn hadn’t used the past tense when he said he loved him. So, Finn still loved him. He couldn’t believe it. His pessimism didn’t let him hold onto the positivity long though.

“How do we know it wasn’t puppy love?” Alec asked, looking down at his feet.

“I can’t speak for you but my feelings never went away or diminished. Even with other partners and time. It’s why I’m still single.” Finn said and gave a tight smile.

“I’ve never had a serious relationship. It’s never gone past sex.” Alec admitted, cheeks heating. Finn was quiet for a while and Alec shifted nervously. He was worried he’d made Finn uncomfortable. Who wanted to hear about their ex’s sex life? Alec bit his lower lip. Did it make it worse that they’d never been intimate? Finn had tried, but it had taken Alec years to get over his extreme aversion to being touched. He hadn’t even lost his virginity until he was twenty-three. He wished that he’d been able to get over his mental struggles to have that with Finn. Lord knew that Finn had deserved that trust more than some of the other men Alec had slept with.

He let out a soft sigh and pictured what their life could’ve been. Dangerous territory. Maybe Alec wouldn’t have been so quick to finish school. They could’ve gone to prom together. They would slowly get closer. Alec felt his cheeks heat a little more. He could have given Finn his virginity. They might have gone on to get married and maybe they’d even have a few kids. It was a nice image, but it wasn’t reality. They didn’t get the happy ending. They were sitting on a truck tailgate in a spot that had once meant so much to them, and neither knew what to do about the other.

Finn had been right when he said it never would have worked, but it still made Alec’s heart rate pick up. He thought of Milo and Nina in the kitchen. Alec wanted something like that. He wanted intimacy that wasn’t sex. Of course, he wanted a physical relationship too, but it was more than that. He wanted to share space with someone he loved and know that he’d never be alone again. Alec felt Finn squeeze his fingers and yanked himself from his thoughts.

“You don’t think we would have made each other happy?” Alec asked softly, meeting Finn’s eyes.

Finn grimaced and let out a heavy sigh, “Baby, I would’ve made you so happy. Anything and everything you ever needed. Shit, my family likes you more than me.”

Alec flinched and looked down at their joined hands. He knew Finn would have tried. He would have too, but if Alec never left, he’d be a barely functioning adult. He had to push himself out of his comfort zones and try new things when they’d moved to California and then Washington. River couldn’t be with him all the time and during those times, Alec had to branch out. He’d made friends. He’d become successful and he didn’t know if he would’ve been able to accomplish it all in Iowa. Definitely not with Finn coddling him and bending over backwards to make sure Alec was never uncomfortable.

“That night, I couldn’t understand why you were so upset with me about turning down the scholarships and waiting on college. Now, it’s obvious that you just wanted the best for me. You wanted me to take all the amazing opportunities I was given. I don’t regret my choice, but I wish I had tried to see your point of view.”

“I didn’t try to see yours either. I was so focused on how much I was hurting and how much I hated my family. I refused to understand why you’d give up your ticket to freedom for your family.”

“Back then, when Milo came back it was…it was bad Alec. He was messed up physically but his head was too. He still struggles now and it’s been more than ten years. I couldn’t…I couldn’t leave him when he was like that. He was terrified of everything. He stayed in mom and dad’s house for months and refused to leave. He wouldn’t even go outside.” Finn had turned his face away and Alec watched his shoulders tense and heard him trying to keep his breathing calm.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Alec frowned, trying to use Finn’s hand in his to force the man to look at him.

“I shut you out. It didn’t seem fair to force my way back into your life after I’d treated you that way.” Finn’s shoulders relaxed and he swiped his forearm over his face before turning with a smile, “It all worked out. Milo found Nina and she helped him heal. Then Gracie came along and he continued to get better. He’s still an idiot but he’s stable now at least.”

Alec didn’t like Finn’s rapid shift in emotion. His eyes were red, but other than that, there was no evidence that he’d been emotional.

“Nina seems sweet and Gracie is a sweetheart.” Alec said, offering a weak smile.

“Gracie is a monster, but she’s our monster. Nina is so far out of my brother’s league it’s ridiculous. That seems to be a Larson family trait. Going for partners way out of our league.” Finn smirked and Alec smiled again, stronger this time.

“Yes Finn, I already know how smooth you are. Give it a rest. I have a question since we’re talking about things for once.” Alec tilted his head to the side and laughed at Finn’s suspicious expression.

“Okay. Go ahead.” He shrugged.

“Why were you so angry earlier?”

Finn straightened and pulled his hand from Alec’s, running it over his scruff in what Alec was recognizing as a nervous gesture, “Milo…pushes. He’s never let me live down not going to college right after high school. It bothers him that I’m still finishing school. He doesn’t think I’m direct enough with you. Basically, Milo has problems with every decision I’ve made since graduation. Sometimes, I just need him to shut up and let me live my life.”

“He loves you. He wants you to be happy and he probably feels guilty that you put your life on hold for him.” Alec frowned, turning his upper body to look at Finn as he spoke.

“I know he loves me. I love him too and I know that if our roles had been reversed, he would’ve done the same.” Finn groaned and ran fingers through his hair, “I sound like an ungrateful asshole.”

“Yeah, you do.” Alec nodded, grinning when Finn shot him a dirty look.

“Well, you sound like a brat.” Finn said, sticking his tongue out.

“Don’t kink shame me you vanilla bastard.” Alec said it to get a reaction, and Finn did not disappoint. His eyes went wide and his lips were parted as his mouth hung open. Alec’s could hear the gears turning in the man’s head. Was Alec kidding? Was he actually into that?

“I’m going to let that go for now.” He said after closing his mouth.

Alec resisted the urge to make another dirty comment and instead, looked out over the landscape again. He had no idea how much time had passed and he couldn’t make himself care. Alec and Finn eased back into the relationship they’d had before it became romantic. They talked about their separate lives and fell into easy conversation. There was more teasing, jokes, and they slowly got closer together on the tailgate. Soon, the sun was setting and Alec marveled at the purples, blues, and pinks stretching across the sky. It was beautiful and Alec stood, walking closer to the edge to snap a picture. He sent it to River. Alec grinned at the barrage of emojis he received in return and Alec turned, tucking his phone into his pocket.

Finn was still on the truck, chin tilted up slightly as he looked at Alec. His eyes were wide again and the way he was staring made Alec’s face heat immediately.

“What?” he asked, walking back to the other man.

Finn sat up and dropped to the ground from the tuck, slamming the tailgate up and shaking his head, “What’s so great about Washington?”

Alec watched Finn open the truck door and get in. He moved to the passenger side and climbed in as well. He buckled his seatbelt, glancing sideways at Finn, “Washington is home.”

“I get that, but why?” Finn asked as he started the truck.

“I don’t know. I’ve made a life for myself. My work is there. I have a house. I’ve lived there for years and I’ve settled down.” Alec shrugged.

Finn nodded and reached forward, turning up the radio. Alec was quietly grateful for the noise and the distraction. It meant they were done speaking and that bothered him, but it’d been a long day. Alec didn’t have anything left. He was tired and he didn’t have the energy to try and find out why Finn’s mood had shifted so abruptly again. That was what he thought anyway, but the longer the music filled the car and Finn gave him the silent treatment, the quicker he found an energy reserve.

“What are you upset about now?” Alec asked, irritably. He was starting to get sick of riding Finn’s roller coaster of emotions today.

“Nothing, Alec.” Finn answered, turning the volume up on the radio to discourage more conversation.

Alec rolled his eyes and shut the radio off completely, “Really? Are you really sure that nothing’s wrong Finn?”

“I’m not going to argue with you.” He answered.

Alec glared across the cab, “Then don’t argue. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Drop it. I’m not in the mood.” Finn snapped.

“No. I don’t feel like it. What’s your fucking problem? You’ve been up and down since you called me.” Alec snapped right back.

“Fine. You really want to know? I’m still so disgustingly in love with you and it pisses me off. You’re not staying. This is never going to work out and for some reason I can’t fuckin’ get over you!” Finn shouted, glancing behind them to merge.

“Don’t yell at me. We aren’t doing that again. We’re too old for this.” Alec said angrily.

“I forgot Alec, you’re the only one allowed to have extreme emotions. Right? It’s okay for you to never have control but the minute I don’t, I’ve crossed a line.”

“Finn. Calm down. Deep breaths.” Alec wasn’t a professional. He couldn’t diagnose someone, but he’d had enough panic attacks to know that Finn was heading for one. Which was strange and hurt Alec more than anything he’d said. Why was he so upset about this? Well, that part was obvious, but why was Finn of all people reacting this way?

“I’m fine.” He snapped viciously and Alec’s eyes flicked down to the speedometer that was gradually climbing.

“Finn. It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to be angry. We got dealt a shitty hand. We should have worked but there was so much going on that we didn’t stand a chance.” He reached out and tried to rest his hand on Finn’s arm, but the other pulled away.

“Please-Please just don’t. Please don’t touch me. I can’t keep it together if you touch me.” Finn’s voice was close to fear and Alec withdrew his hand. Finn started taking breaths and he slowly started to calm down.

Alec chose to stay silent, watching for any more signs that Finn was going to lose control. This had to be an alternate dimension or something. Alec had given River advice. He’d managed to calm Finn down a tiny bit. The whole world had been turned on its head and Alec didn’t know what else to do. Finn didn’t want him to touch but that was Alec’s go to. River needed touch when he was upset and it was also his best friend’s way to offer comfort. Alec had gotten used to being touched, hugged, and even spooned when one of the two was having trouble. Finn wasn’t that way, though. How was he going to make him feel better without the only thing he knew how to do?

“Finn. Slow the truck down. Listen to me. You don’t have to respond, just listen. Take deep breaths and slow down. Everything. Your thoughts, your breathing, and the truck too. Please. You’re scaring me a little.”

Finn glanced at him and scowled, but then after a moment he nodded and the truck began to gradually slow down. Alec smiled in what he hoped was an encouraging way, “There you go. Keep focusing on breathing. You’re alright.”

After what seemed like a lifetime, Finn pulled into the bakery’s parking lot. He parked and shut the truck down. He rested his forehead against the steering wheel and closed his eyes. Alec bit down lightly on the inside of his cheek and scooted across the seat. The console was still up from before and he hesitated before reaching out. He knew Finn had said not to touch, but he wanted to make him feel better. Alec ran his fingers gently down Finn’s nape a few times and Finn stiffened immediately. When Alec continued, he started to slowly relax and Alec worked his fingers into Finn’s hair, running his short nails lightly over the other man’s scalp. Alec hid a smile as the blond’s body physically sagged.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled. His voice was slightly slurred from how fast he’d relaxed.

“For what?” Alec asked, slipping his hand back down to rub Finn’s neck.

“Acting so crazy today. Practically forcing myself on you. Treating you like garbage. Everything I did when we were young. Freaking out on the drive over here. I can probably think of more if you give me a second.” Finn’s voice was rough and Alec rubbed his thumb in circles behind his ear.

“You’ve dealt with a lot from me. I think you get a pass.” Finn looked up at him with a pained expression and leaned into Alec’s touches.

“Do you want me to stop?” Alec asked softly.

“Yes…no.” Finn shook his head, “I don’t want you to ever stop. I don’t want you to leave. You’ve been here less than a week and I can’t imagine how I’m going to react when you leave.”

Alec sucked his lower lip into his mouth and resumed the scalp massage. Finn rested his head back against the wheel and his breathing slowed. His body lost the rest of his tension and Alec knew he should stop. He knew he shouldn’t have touched him. He needed to get out of the truck and leave. That’s what he should do, but instead, he slid his fingers into the neck of Finn’s shirt and rubbed his fingers over what he could reach of his shoulders. He released his lower lip as his fingertips ran over Finn’s warm skin.

“This is a first. You are grounding me after I freaked out.” Finn mumbled.

“It’s a weird feeling.” Alec agreed.

“You’re so different. It’s not fair. You’re better. You’re like the boy I fell in love with upgraded a hundred times.” Finn said as he slowly straightened, “You hardly ever touched me when we were together. I think right now is more than you touched me during our entire relationship.”

“I’m not as scared. I had to work on myself a lot and I’m still not perfect.” Alec said as he opened his door and lowered himself out of the truck. He turned and smiled at Finn as he prepared to close the door.

Brown eyes focused on his face and Finn smiled slightly, “You’ve always been perfect. You just never saw it the way I did.”