Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 13. Entry 13

Saturday

Wow! It was Erotic City last night…at least in my dreams: both waking and while asleep!

Of course, it was all about Billy and me. How could it not? Fantasy Billy now has some real life parts! His blond hair has more luster than it did. His lips and teeth are from memory now, not just imagination. His body…most of that is still a mystery, but not his weight on me. That I know for real now!

I felt his warmth on my back, but I had to add what his naked skin might feel like…silky smooth, slightly moistened by sweat, hardened nipples on my shoulder blades…hardness inside of me.

All through the night, I felt him inside of me and me wanting more of him like I wanted him inside me all the way - body and soul!

I love Billy…so much! Just spending an afternoon with him in his room was enough to set my fantasies off for the rest of the year! But, just to think - could I have him all? All of him! All of his heart, all of his sex, all of his…love? He wanted me as much as I wanted him yesterday!

I knew it!

In my dreams, I let him inside and held him there until we were both finished! It was the best dream I’ve ever had! That weight he let me feel with his butt next to mine - I, kind of, reversed that feeling and tried to feel what it would be like with him with his front to my back and how he’d feel inside.

It aches not having him inside me, dammit! I’m his perfect fit! I know it!

So, what holds me back?

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of being discovered by my Dad for what I truly am. Something his beliefs can’t cope with. I’m afraid of being discovered by Jamie’s ‘friends’! What hell will they put me through if they actually knew! I’m afraid of what Marie will think…that I betrayed her!

Mostly, I’m afraid of what Billy will think! Am I reading him wrong? If so, if I were to say ‘Billy, fuck me silly!’ would that make a terrible enemy of him? Would he be disgusted? Is he just wanting to replace the friend he lost in Sam?

I want so much more than what Sam is! I want Billy to love me! I have since the first day I set eyes on him at the Mall!

I wanted to reach out to him today, but couldn’t. My nerves and fear got the better of me. I knew I’d not be able to contain it any longer…

…I’d have to let him know how I feel!

So, I played it safe, today. I didn’t call him. I half expected him to call me…but that didn’t happen either. Maybe, I scared Billy off already? Maybe, I’ll never see him again? Maybe, he’s just busy having fun with someone else…like Jimmy…and he didn’t need my company at all today.

As it turned out, that’s, sort of, what happened to me. Someone else came calling today. Actually, two someone elses! They were good distractions so that I wouldn’t have to deal with my feelings.

Both Stevie and Benji came over today. My Dad was out, per usual, so we had the place to ourselves. Calm down, nothing happened except typical teenaged stupid fun. We spent the day just hanging out. Benji had some new videos of new tricks he was learning and he showed us on his IPhone. Incredible as always. Both Stevie and I figure Benji needs to try out for the Olympics or something! Do they even have a Skateboarding event in the Olympics? If not, I think they should! Benji knows of the X-Games and has, actually, put in applications for try outs! He’s amazing, I’ve got to admit. I bet I’ll see him one day out winning those games!

Stevie had some new music to play and he managed to set up our stereo so that he could play it from his own IPhone. I don’t have an IPhone and was starting to get a bit jealous! I, actually, got into the music. It was all punky rock stuff, but it had us dancing around our living room looking like idiots.

Since Benji had gotten some money for a demonstration he did at the YMCA, we ordered a pizza and sat and watched a new Marvel movie that was on Mouse+. My Dad had gotten me that subscription for my birthday. I think we had more fun making fun of the movie than watching it. Stevie does impressions! I had no idea. His ‘Tony Stark’ is dead on! He had both Benji and me rolling on the floor!

Like I said…a good distraction from Billy today.

But, even with Stevie being as cute and funny as always and Benji being completely goofy, but sexy at the same time…I wished they were Billy!

Friday haunts me!

I need him.

This is Brandon Needing.

Sunday

I went to church with my Dad more out of reflex than anything.

I just got up, got dressed nice, and went with my Dad. I sort of just sat there, numb. I didn’t even pray or anything, really. What would I pray about?

The only thing I want is something this church won’t let me have! I want Billy. That is all!

But, how do I pray to God about that? He hates homosexuality, right? Not homosexuals…they make that clear in the pulpit, but the sin that it brings…that’s something God can’t allow. So, it is a Mortal Sin. The kind of sin that if you die in this sin you go straight to Hell, no questions asked. No pass go, no hope.

Yeah, hate the sin not the sinner…whatever.

My Dad could tell something was going on with me. I was quiet. Very quiet all day. I wanted some alone time…time to struggle with what to do next.

Friday haunts me!

I can’t think of anything else! Billy was with me, in his room…he touched me! I loved it! I wanted more! So much more! I wanted us naked together and sharing each other in the most intimate ways possible! Ways the Church can’t forgive. The ways God only forgives with Confession and complete repentance (completely stopping what you are doing and any thought of doing it in the future!)

I can’t make those kinds of promises! I want Billy too much! He’ll always make me want him! Just by his being alive!

How can love ever be a sin?

No one seems to have an answer. They just expect you to believe…without question.

Today was a day of stewing. I stewed in my own juices and, honestly, I couldn’t wait for school on Monday just for a distraction.

Having too much alone time isn’t healthy, I guess. You think too much and when you think too much you start to get confused. When you start to get confused you start to worry. When you start to worry you get afraid! When you get afraid…you hide.

I’M TIRED OF BEING AFRAID AND HIDING!

BILLY! COME ON MAN! GIVE ME A CLUE!

I can’t take this much longer…

Brandon needs to know - do you or don’t you? Will you or won’t you? I’ve got to ask…I’ve got to do something.

This is Brandon…losing his ever loving MIND!