Gap Year - 60. Chapter 60

March 1, 2004

Hotel Bel Air

Bel Air, CA

 

Will

I held Travis for a long time, just hugging him tightly as I felt the anguish and pain fade from his body. It didn’t entirely go away, but it lessened with each second of our embrace. He finally broke off our hug and looked at me, while I gently wiped the tears off his cheeks. “What happened?” I asked softly.

“Got into a fight,” he said, and grimaced.

“You got into a fight?” I asked stupidly. Even as I did, my emotions started to roil until they were as big as the waves we’d experienced at the Wedge.

“That’s what I said,” he responded, slightly annoyed. The pain from my side convinced me that he must have gotten into a fight with Zach. I could visualize it so clearly. Travis probably went over to fuck him, which fueled my jealousy in addition to my growing rage. Zach had told Travis to dump me, Travis had said no, and then Zach had attacked him.

“I will kill that motherfucker with my own hands,” I snarled, having fully allowed my musing to convince me that’s what happened. “He is dead fucking meat!”

“Who are you going to kill?” Travis asked me calmly. I could see the playfulness in his eyes.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “Who did you get into a fight with?”

“Craddock,” he said.

“Oh,” I said, completely annoyed with myself for flying off the handle. As if I hadn’t had enough examples in my life of when I’d done that and it had backfired. As if I didn’t know how stupid that could be.

“You thought I went to see Zach and kicked his ass?” he asked.

I looked away from him, but his stare made me reconnect my eyes with his. “Let’s call it that.”

He laughed at me, then when he saw how irritated I got, he just shook his head. “You were willing to go postal on Zach over me?”

I looked down but he tilted my chin up so I was looking at him again. “Maybe,” I said. He raised his eyebrows to challenge me. “Alright, yes, I was willing to do that,” I said, but in a really bitchy way. He moved his hand from my chin to the back of my head and pulled me to him, and when our lips met it was like an entire nuclear plant’s worth of energy was unleashed. It started out gentle and loving, and we continued to maintain that theme as we merged our entire bodies together, not just our mouths. When he entered me, it was like we became one person. It was the most surreal and meaningful sexual experience I’d ever had.

“Wow,” he said, as we lay next to each other on the bed, recovering from that almost out-of-body tryst.

“I have never felt anything like that,” I said to him. “Never.”

He rolled onto his side so he could look at me. “Really?” he asked.

“Really,” I said. He grinned at me, and I smiled back, and somehow that resulted in us laughing. As soon as we got our hilarity under control, his stomach growled, which made us start laughing all over again.

“I’m hungry,” he said, as if that weren’t obvious.

I smiled. “Want to order room service for dinner, or you want to go out?”

“I think I’d rather just stay here,” he said. “We could do pizza instead of room service.”

“Good idea,” I said. We argued about toppings and ended up ordering pepperoni with extra cheese, which was boring but reliably good.

We put on hotel robes and sat in the main room, both of us on the sofa, while I studied his face. His eye was swollen and there was a slight open wound that wasn’t bleeding, but probably had been. While he just stared off into space, I made him an ice pack and brought that to him, along with a washcloth to dab his cut. “Thanks,” he said, as he held the ice pack up to his eye.

“I’ll be right back,” I said, and went into my bedroom, dug through my toiletries, and found some Neosporin for his wound. I came out and put it on him in a sexy way, making him smile.

“Feels better already,” he said.

“Is it only your face that got hurt?” I asked.

He rubbed his chest a bit. “Might have a few other bruises, but I’ll be fine.”

“Did you just stand there like a big pussy or did you get a few punches in?” I teased.

“Fuck you,” he said.

“After dinner,” I said, and leaned over to kiss his cheek. He moved his face so our lips met, and we kissed gently, but even that was super intense. We made out like that for a while, neither one of us increasing the intensity, just enjoying the connection between our mouths.

He ended our kiss and looked me in the eyes, as if trying to link our minds. “I’m so pissed off at myself for letting you slip away when we were fourteen.”

“Probably better to let the past go, and just be happy that we’re friends again,” I said. It was such a stoner response.

“Probably,” he agreed. “I need to take a shower.” He said that like someone who wanted to wash away a bad experience, not someone who was dirty.

“My plan was to eat pizza then spend some time in the hot tub,” I said. “But if you want to take a shower now you can.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “That’s a good plan.”

“Of course it is,” I said, pretending to be cocky. The doorbell rang, announcing the arrival of our pizza. I let the pizza guy in, paid him, then put the pie on the table, along with the disposable plates, silverware, and napkins that came with it. It said a lot about our appetites that we ordered this huge pizza and ate all of it except for a single narrow slice.

“I am full,” Travis said, rubbing his stomach.

“Me too,” I agreed. “Time to hot tub.” We strode out to the hot tub and climbed in, then kicked back, letting the hot water and the jets soothe us. I pulled out my one hitter and packed it, then offered it to him.

“Awesome,” he said. I was throwing major wood just watching his sexy lips wrap around the bat. We each did a couple of hits, not enough to get stoned, just enough to relax us.

“So you going to tell me about this fight?” I asked.

He nodded, then exhaled. “He was being really rude to Sierra Gardner, only not behind her back, but to her face, which is pretty unusual for Craddock.”

“He’s just the kind of little bitch who snipes at people like that,” I agreed. I so hated that guy.

“He made some lame joke. Told her that Santa was asking for her because he kept saying ‘ho ho ho’,” Travis said. I could see him getting pissed about that even now that it was all over with.

“What a douche,” I said, more to keep him with the story than anything.

“I pushed him and told him to shut the fuck up, then he pushed me back and told me to fuck off. I pushed him again and he nailed me in the eye,” he said, then subconsciously reached up to touch his brow. “The thing with Craddock is that he’s a fast little shit, and he’s also one of those dudes who when he starts fighting, he’s all in.”

“All in?” I asked.

“It’s like he feels no pain,” Travis said. “He just becomes like this robot fighting machine.”

“So how did you handle that?” I asked, wondering how I’d fight a dude like that.

“He got in a couple of punches before I could tackle him and pin him to the ground,” Travis said. “I knew that if I didn’t do that, he’d just dance around me and shoot these sharp jabs at me until I was bruised all over. Once I got him on the ground, then it was my turn for payback.” That made sense, since Travis was big enough to dominate on the ground. It was funny because that simple exchange reminded me of what a good fighter Travis had been back in middle school. He’d never been the guy to start a fight, but it was rare that he lost one once it started.

“Who got the worst of it?” I asked.

He shrugged. “A bunch of dudes pulled us apart. He probably looks worse than me because most of the punches I got in were on his face.”

“That was a good thing you did, sticking up for her,” I said, referring to Sierra.

“I normally don’t call him on his bullshit, and that never bothered me until you pointed it out at Big’s party,” he said, giving me a grumpy look. “But this time, when he was slamming her to her face, and seeing how sad that made her, it just really pissed me off. It was just such a shit thing to do.”

“Plus, you probably felt defensive toward her because of what happened at the party,” I concluded.

“Probably,” he said, as if that wasn’t one of the things that had set him free.

“She probably loves you now,” I said. “You’re like her hero.”

“I’m taking her to a party a week from Friday,” he said.

“You got a date,” I said, then started laughing. “How did you pull that off in the middle of a fight?”

“After we were pulled apart, we got busted by a couple of teachers, and that meant I got hauled up to the office,” he said with dread. “Got suspended for the rest of the week.”

“You did?” I asked excitedly.

“You’re happy that I got suspended?” he asked in surprise.

“Yeah, because that means we can hang out for the next two days,” I said. “I’ve got an appointment tomorrow, but other than that I’m wide open.”

“You’re such a slut,” he said, referring to me being ‘wide open’.

“With you I am,” I said seductively.

“My dad was hella pissed, ranted and raved at me for a fucking hour,” he said, shaking his head. “Probably more pissed about losing his spy than about me getting into a fight.”

“Probably,” I agreed. “So what happened to you?”

“You mean what did he do to me?” he asked. I nodded. “He told me I was grounded for the rest of the week.”

“So you can’t really hang out with me,” I concluded.

“It’s all about you,” he said, rolling his eyes at me. “No, when he grounds me, I pretty much ignore him. It’s like he issues these edicts, but he doesn’t have time to police what I do, so he just assumes I did what he said.”

“He probably figures his spy network is enough to keep tabs on you,” I said.

“Probably,” he agreed. “School was over when I got out of the office and pretty much everyone was gone except for Sierra. She was waiting for me.”

“To thank you?” I asked.

He nodded. “So she thanked me, and I told her I was sorry that Keith was such an asshole, and we bullshitted about that for a while, and that ended up with me taking her to that party. Not sure how the fuck that happened.”

“You’ll have fun,” I said.

“I’ll have fun,” he said, but seemed nervous. All it took was a look from me to force him to explain why. “I don’t want to lead her on.”

“Then tell her that,” I said. “I mean, I get that you can’t tell her the real reason why this won’t work, but if you warn her then maybe she won’t let herself fall so hard for you.”

“You’re assuming she’ll fall hard for me,” he said, exposing his basic insecurities.

“Dude, you are a god,” I said. “There is no way she doesn’t want you.”

“This is the part about being in the closet that sucks,” he said. “I can’t be honest with her, so I may end up hurting her.”

“True that,” I agreed. “I get that you have to be totally on the down low, but I’m wondering if she’s the kind of person you could trust?”

“I can’t trust anyone,” he said firmly, then changed the subject. “This totally fucks up Spring Break.”

“Why?” I asked and felt myself getting irritated with him. He picked up on that pretty easily.

“I told you I’m going to Hawaii with you, so I’m going to Hawaii with you,” he said, being a little bitchy.

“Why?” I asked again, only changing my tone to be less inquisitive and more cheerful. He shook his head at me.

“Because Craddock and I were going to Cabo with Jason and Crawford,” he said. “They don’t want to go with Craddock now. That kind of leaves Jason and Crawford on their own, and the place is for four people.”

“You were worried that if things blew up with Craddock, your friends would be in his corner,” I mused, thinking back to our conversation after the party.

“They were pissed off at him over that shit with Sierra,” he said. “Crawford went out with her a few times, and it didn’t work, but he still treats her well. If he would have been there, he’d have done the same thing I did.”

“Or maybe they were hanging out with Craddock because he was hanging around with you,” I said. He gave me a skeptical look. “Dude, I had to have this guy at Menlo explain this shit to me. When you’re as rich and hot as we are, people want to be our friends.”

“Whatever,” he said, because he didn’t want to go down that philosophical road.

“As I see it, you have two choices,” I said. He gave me an odd look. “You want my advice, or you just want me to hug you and stroke your back.”

“Or my dick,” he said suggestively, which poured huge sexual tension into this conversation. He realized his mistake. “Tell me what you think.”

“You can pay the extra cash so Jason and Crawford can go to Cabo on their own, or you can invite them to come with us to Maui,” I said.

“They’re fun to hang out with, but they’d probably be okay if I paid the extra money,” he said. “Besides, I don’t want to impose on you with all these extra people.”

“Dude, there is plenty of room. That is not a problem. Besides, I’ll bet Ryan would be stoked to spend time with Crawford,” I said.

“That might work,” he said, thinking about it.

“Here’s the only problem I see,” I said, getting his attention. “If they go along, it’s going to be really hard to keep our deal on the DL.”

“Why?” he challenged. I said nothing, I just let him think about it. “Okay, I can see your point.”

“You know, it may be worth a call to your attorney to find out if you have to worry about it this close to your birthday,” I suggested.

“Might be,” he agreed.

“I think that if you invite them and they don’t know about us, it will make our trip a lot less fun,” I said, opting to weigh in more heavily.

“You can’t have fun with straight dudes?” he asked stupidly.

“It’s not about that,” I said. “Look, the rest of the group going, they would guard your secret with their lives. You can relax and be yourself. I think that would be a good thing after all the shit you’ve dealt with.”

“You’re hoping I’ll let my flame out?” he joked.

“If you want,” I said.

“I’ll think about it,” he said.

There was noise, some kind of banging on the fence to the patio area, which made us shut up and pay attention. It sounded like someone was trying to climb over it. “That looks like fun,” I heard a familiar voice say. I looked in the direction of the voice to see Billie Joe peeking over the fence. His eyes landed on Travis and he totally freaked out. “Oh shit. I’m sorry.”

“Dude, it’s cool,” I said. “Come around and I’ll let you in.”

“Alright,” he said skeptically.

“This is where you get to earn your pre-release copy of American Idiot,” I said to Travis. And so he did.

March 2, 2004

Malibu, CA

 

Will

“I haven’t seen you in person for a while,” Dr. Gary Anderson said as he welcomed me into his office. I usually had phone appointments with him, and they seemed pretty effective, but it was cool to actually do the face-to-face deal once in a while. “You’ve grown.”

“I have,” I said. “I’m almost as tall as you are.” That was a stretch since he was 6’ 4”.

“Almost,” he said. “I got the impression that you had some issues you were dealing with.”

“Dude, I always have issues I’m dealing with,” I said, shaking my head. I liked to go in chronological order with him, so I told him all about the drama with my father. We spent a bit of time on that, but there really wasn’t much more to unpack. I spent a lot longer telling him about my drama with Zach and Travis.

“Most of my clients don’t have this much excitement in their lives,” he noted ruefully, cracking me up.

“No shit,” I said.

“How are you planning to handle Zach?” he asked me.

“Right now, I’m ignoring him,” I said dismissively.

He nodded. “And when you ultimately decide to engage with him, how will that go?”

“I don’t know,” I said, kind of annoyed that he was bugging me about it. He got that and explained his reasoning.

“I think that in this situation, especially when there’s been physical abuse, it’s important to plan out how you will handle dealing with him,” he explained. “It isn’t in your nature to let this kind of conflict linger without addressing it. I wonder if you’re avoiding it so you don’t have to grapple with what it means for your relationship.”

“You mean that I’m putting it off because I don’t really want to end things with Zach?” I asked him. He nodded, so I pondered that. “I don’t know if that’s it.”

“Try this,” he said. “Visualize meeting with him. What do you think would happen?”

“I think that he’ll probably tell me how sorry he is, and how much he loves me, and he’ll beg me to forgive him,” I said. “He’s pretty much done that with messages and emails.”

“Close your eyes,” he instructed. I rolled them at the same time as I clamped my lids down. “Now picture Zach in front of you, saying those things to you, probably crying for good measure. He’s begging you to forgive him. He’s vowing that he loves you. He’ll tell you that he’ll do anything to get you back. He may even offer to give up football.”

“Do you think he’d do that?” I asked abruptly, opening my eyes.

“Close your eyes and visualize that,” he admonished, so I did what he said. I allowed my mind to follow his guidance and conjured up a vision of Zach when we’d been happy together. I could see his boyish face, his tears, his smile, and hear the words Dr. Anderson thought he’d say. I finally opened my eyes, and realizing I’d shed a few tears, I wiped them away. “How would you handle it?”

“I’ll tell him that part of me will always love him, I’ll offer to be his friend, but I’ll tell him that I need some space for a while,” I said. “And I’ll tell him that as a couple, we’re over.”

He looked shocked by that. “I think that when you meet him, you should do it in public. He resorted to force once, and when you reject him like that, it may cause a very negative reaction.”

I blinked as he said that because my own feelings surprised me. He looked at me, waiting for me to explain what I was thinking. “Up until this point, I’ve been a little afraid of him. I don’t feel that way anymore.”

“Maybe that’s because you weren’t afraid of him hurting you physically again. You were afraid of the emotional pain he could cause you, or you could cause him,” he suggested.

“Maybe,” I said. I’d have to think about what he said. I went on to tell him about Travis, and how awesome he was. It was cool that he smiled at how happy I was.

“You seemed very resolved to end your romantic relationship with Zach,” he said, which was kind of annoying because we’d moved on to Travis. “I wonder if it would be as easy for you to do that if Travis wasn’t in the picture?”

I felt my brows narrow in irritation, something he picked up on, so I forced myself to mellow out and think about what he said. “You think I’m using Travis as a rebound?”

“Do you?” he asked.

“I think that being with Travis makes things easier,” I admitted. “He’s more to me than just a rebound.”

“You haven’t really been seeing him for long,” he said, more to prod me.

“Until I was fourteen, Travis was my best friend. I grew up with him, so it’s not like I’m starting from scratch,” I explained. “I think that’s why my feelings for him, and his for me, have grown so fast. It almost feels like we’re picking up where we left off all those years ago.” He rolled his eyes at my reference to time, since it was only three years ago or so.

“But surely you are both different now,” he said.

“That’s kind of what we’re doing now,” I said. “We’re reconnecting, trying to find out what’s changed about us and trying to decide if we like the new people we are.”

“And so far it’s working out?” he asked me with a smile.

“It’s working out really well,” I said, grinning.

“I’m not trying to be a buzzkill about this, I just wanted you to think about it,” he said.

“I’m not sure what I can do about it anyway,” I said grumpily. “I mean, my normal instincts would be to keep a little distance so things don’t get too intense too quickly, but because of our history, I don’t think that would work.”

“And you don’t want to do that,” he concluded.

“I don’t,” I agreed. “I may be falling hard, and I may pay for this in the future, but it’s so good that’s a chance I’m willing to take.”

“How does Travis feel about it?” he asked.

“What am I supposed to do? Ask him if he minds being my rebound?” I asked, frustrated.

“It’s possible that he is also clinging to you for the same reasons you’re bonding with him,” he said.

“You mean I’m his rebound too?” I asked.

“He had a relationship with Zach, and it sounds like he’s all but ended that,” he said.

“So how do I handle this?” I asked him, frustrated with our oblique conversation.

“I think that you should enjoy Travis,” he said. “I just wanted you to think about the forces that may be pushing you together right now. You work best when you have an idea of what is coming your way.”

“You want me to go into this with my eyes open,” I said, distilling his statement down into simple language just like I did with Grand.

“Yes,” he said, just like Grand would, which made me laugh. He waited until I got my hilarity under control. “It may also not be a bad idea to help Travis keep his eyes open too.”

"You're not that worried about me getting hurt. You're more worried I'll hurt him,” I accused.

“Those words came from your mouth, not mine,” he said. I just stared at him. “As you have described him, Travis is not as emotionally mature as you are.”

I nodded. “He tends to see things like relationships in high school terms.”

“And that’s a world you willingly left behind because you felt you’d outgrown it,” he said. When he was right, like he was now, he always seemed a little smug, but maybe I just thought that because he was bugging me.

“Travis may be a bit of a rebound for me, but I don’t think that’s all that big of a part of it,” I said. He waited for me to explain. “Ever since Zach moved down here to go to UCLA, we’ve been drifting farther apart. It seemed like I was constantly turning around and getting slapped in the face with reminders we were over. I think that it really hit me on September 11, when he didn’t even call me. It was like that was what had brought us together, so by forgetting that he had forgotten about us.”

“You’re saying that you’d been dealing with the two of you being over for a while, and that’s why this is easier for you now,” he concluded.

“That’s what I’m saying,” I said. “We got together when I got down here last week and it was awesome. I had struggled about whether to even tell him I was going to be in town, because I was worried that when we were together, all those feelings I had with him would rekindle.”

“You seem to feel obligated to remain friends with Zach,” he said.

“I am,” I said. “I made that commitment to him a long time ago, and I owe him that for the way he helped me out after 9-11.”

“I think that ending your relationship will make that easier for both of you,” he said.

“Why?”

“Because of what you just mentioned,” he replied. “The two of you allowed the romantic part of your relationship to temporarily rekindle when you first got to LA, when it was actually over. If you keep things platonic, you’ll be in a better place to support each other as friends.”

“I can see that,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure that I saw Zach supporting me. If he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t go out of his way for me. I shook Dr. Anderson’s hand and left, feeling a little dazed. That wasn’t unusual when I had intense conversations with him. I strolled toward my car, enjoying the breeze from the ocean, thinking about all that he had talked to me about. I was so deep in thought, I was kind of surprised when my phone rang, and even more surprised to see that it was Patrick.

“Hey Will,” he said cheerfully after I answered.

“You sound like you’re in a good mood,” I said, letting his happiness infect me.

“I am, but I have some bad news,” he said.

“What?” I asked apprehensively.

“I don’t want to hurt you, but I need to cancel our plans for this weekend,” he said. My mind was so foggy from meeting with my shrink that I’m not sure I responded well, but I tried.

“Why?”

“I started seeing someone,” he said nervously. That should have bothered me, but I was so focused on Travis that it really didn’t.

“Who?” I asked excitedly.

“Ken Grandy,” he said. I had no idea who he was, but Patrick answered my unspoken question. “He’s one of the hottest DJs in New York. Kenji is his stage name. We’ve known each other for a while. We ended up meeting at an event a couple of days ago and have been hanging out since.”

“That is awesome,” I said. “I am so happy for you!”

“Thanks Will,” he said, but put so much meaning in the way he uttered those words I could tell how worried he’d been that he’d upset me.

“I’ll be there this weekend, and if it works out, I’d like to meet this dude,” I said.

“Maybe that will happen,” he said, and we ended our call.

I got back to the Ferrari and smiled when I saw Travis leaning up against the driver’s door. “Figured I’d surprise you and meet you here for lunch.”

“That was a good plan,” I said, and gave him a hug. That one hug made any concerns about Patrick blowing me off vanish into thin air.