Catering with Benefits (1) - 16. WHAT A DRAG

Craig had previously promised Justin a night at a drag pub, so he spoke to Edward and between them they arranged a night at Drag City for a special show headlined by Anna Sole, a friend of Edward’s and a top drag queen of the time.

It was an old gay pub that had recently undergone a make-over and upgraded to specifically stage drag shows. It was a typical club set up with a bar at one end and a variety tables, stools and booths set around a catwalk that led to a stage at the back of the room. Upstairs was a dining room and a smaller intimate chill-out bar. The plan was for the boys to meet in the upstairs bar for drinks and then proceed to dinner before the show.

After dinner they moved downstairs to the showroom where Edward spoke to a young topless waiter at the bar who then escorted them to a reserved table in front of the stage. “How did we get this table?” Craig asked Edward, knowing that tables cannot usually be reserved in pubs. “You know the old adage love; it’s not what you know but which bitch you know, especially in this town”.

“Great” said Justin, “I’m so excited and can’t wait for the show.”

“Well you won’t have to wait long now”. As Edward said this, the lights started flashing, ‘I enjoy being a girl’, boomed from the sound system and a chorus line of young drag queens danced onto the stage and strutted down the catwalk. Justin sat mesmerised throughout the dance routine.

“Are they really men” Justin asked Edward.

“I can guarantee it for a few of them.” he replied.

“What’s that” asked Romel “How do you know.”

“Don’t get all hissy now it’s not what you think. I called into the dressing room earlier and some of them were having quite a job tucking it away. I wanted to wish them luck tonight, for some of them it’s their first professional gig.”

At the end of the routine and the applause, a voiceover asked “Ladies, Gentlemen and the undecided, please welcome to the stage of Drag City... Miss Anna Sole”. Slowly Anna strode on to the stage, dressed in a full-length evening gown covered in sequins, matching shoes and a very high blond wig.

“Hello daahlings. For those of you that didn’t bother listening to the announcement, I’m Anna Sole.

“Hello Anna” the crowd called back.

“It seems I drew the short straw and have to entertain you ugly lot tonight.” A moan was heard from the crowd and Anna replied, “Oh just kidding, we didn’t draw straws, I just work cheap so I got the gig.” Laughter

“Now before you ask, I will tell you about my dress. You were going to ask weren’t you?”

“NO!”

“Well, I will fuckin tell you anyway, so listen up. My demands were too much for one couturier so what you see before you is the result of a joint effort by Target, K Mart and Vinnies.” ...Then looking at an audience member, “What sweetie, you want to know about the shoes, how sweet of you to ask. They are actually custom made for me... by a boat builder down by the bay. Now that’s enough about me... I know, I know you want more, but that’s it for now. I want to hear about you poor sorry looking mob.”

“Whose here with their boyfriend?”...some hands went up.

“Whose here with their girlfriend?”...some hands went up.

“Now who’s here with somebody else’s boyfriend, girlfriend or husband?”...One hand went up. “Oh there’s always one isn’t there? Well good luck with that.” Laughter.

“Have you noticed lately that the list of people in our community identified by their various forms of sexual perversion is getting longer? Once it used to be just boys and girls now it’s G L B T I Q and I think there’s another to be added soon, and that’s F. We’ll soon run out of letters of the alphabet. There are now so many options, frankly darlings I’m confused as to what I am myself. So if you are also, let mother explain it all to you. Now G stands for gay...everybody wants to be happy don’t they?”

Crowd yells “Yes”

“L is for lesbian...well we try not to talk about them too much here.”

“Boo” from the back of the room.

“Oh we’ve got some in tonight...Try not to fuck up the whole show will you?... B of course is for bisexual... well all I can say is make up your fucking mind sweetie. T is for trans, maybe a bit slow but at least they’ve finally made up their minds... now I is for intersex...well what can I say but enjoy it any which way you can honey. Then Q is for questioning...well don’t fuckin’ ask me, do you think a cock in a frock has any idea what she is? Now that brings me finally to F...this is the best of all worlds as it stands for fluid. Like today I think I am... tomorrow I may not be... and next week I could be something else. It’s all too much for my addled little brain possums. So whatever you are, or think you are or want to be or not want to be just enjoy yourself tonight, and if there is anyone out there that I’ve not mentioned...I don’t want to know...so tell someone who fuckin cares.”

“Now listen up ladies or whatevers. We are going to try something new now. My throat is a bit scratchy tonight.”

“Oooh” from the crowd.

“Easy there, it’s not what your filthy minds are thinking. Oh you are awful.”

“Oh yeah” heard from the crowd.

“No truly, listen to me. We are going to have a little three way thing”.

“Oooh” again from the crowd....

“There you go again.” Anna looks into the audience. ”What’s that sweetie?” she asks an audience member, “You’ve never been invited into a threesome?” Crowd laughs.

“No, don’t laugh at him, that’s unkind, he can’t help it if he’s so ugly he’d have difficulty being invited to a onesome.... Now if you fuckers will just listen to me I want to tell you what’s going to happen. The sound man over there with his turntable thingies....Have you met my sound man....me neither....What’s your name honey?”

“Bwuce.” crowd falls in riotous laughter and when Anna recovers herself she asks “What was that?”

“Bwuce” he replies.

“You can’t be serious, are you pulling Anna’s leg?”

“Yeth, by name really ith Bwuce.”

“Well Bwuce here is going to play a song on his equipment.... and I’m going to lip sync and, here’s the threesome bit, at the end of it you are going to applaud. Doesn’t that sound nice? Let ‘er rip Bruce” and the crowd laps up her version of R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

At the end of the number Anna takes her bow and waits for the applause to end. “How was that?” she asks.

The crowd applauds again and Anna says “In honour of the sentiment of that song, I’m going to be nice to you for the rest of the show. No bitchyness and no picking on anyone.” Crowd sounds disappointed.

“Alright if you insist, but remember whatever happens, you asked for it” She looks towards the bar and says to the crowd “Can you believe it, there’s three guys over there trying to sit on the one stool.” Crowd turns to look.

“Turn it upside down, and then you’ll all fit. Oh they do make me laugh these boys.”

“Now let’s talk about politics. I don’t want to say that Trump is homophobic…that would be unkind…but if he was really cool with the gays, wouldn't one of them have fixed his wig by now?” laughter.

“Has anybody here recently been to a high school reunion?....No! Me neither, and priests aren’t allowed to attend either. Laughter.

“Well Anna isn’t telling you the whole truth. I did go to one reunion, but nobody remembered me. Why would that be? I can’t have changed that much.” Anna looks into the audience and says “What’s that sweetie?...Oh, you don’t think I should have worn the dress. Maybe you’re right....Now let me get back to my story... There are four former classmates chatting at a high school reunion; three rich guys and one poorer guy. When the poorer one leaves the group to go to the toilet, one of the others says to his friends, ‘My son is so rich and successful he bought his best friend a Lamborghini’.

The Second one says, ‘My son is so rich and successful he bought his best friend a Private Jet’.

The last one says, ‘Well my son is so rich and successful he bought his best friend his own Island’.

The fourth one returns from the toilet and says, "Watcha talkin’ ‘bout?"

One of them says "Just our sons, How about yours?"

‘Well my son’s a stripper at a gay bar. But he did just get a fancy car, a jet and a really large island from his three boyfriends’."

Laughter and a shout of “Good one Anna.”

“Did I tell you about a friend of mine who went to church one Sunday after a big win on the horses the day before. As the plate was passed around, he dropped in a bundle of $100 notes. When the plate gets back to the priest, he notices the bundle of money and announces: ‘Someone here was very generous in the offering today. I would like to ask the person who gave this large amount of money to please stand.’ So my friend stood up and the priest continued, ‘Well, sir, we certainly do appreciate your generosity. And to show our appreciation, I'm going to let you select your three favourite hymns.’

"Okay," he replied, "I'll take him, him and him!"

Laughter.

“You know, I used go to church” laughter.

“Yes I did really, well for a short period anyway. You see when I was younger there was a really cute priest came to St. Ursula’s parish. I had a real crush on him and I knew he had the hots for me also.” Crowd laughs mockingly.

“No, it’s true. Whenever he preached about the sins of the flesh he would look right at me.”

Laughter.

“You know I once met a guy who told me he had pink cum…It’s true. Well I was up for it so I thought I’d give him a go. It was definitely pink but certainly didn’t taste strawberry flavoured.... How was I to know he had just had a prostate biopsy?” laughter.

“Oh I’m so glad us girls don’t have these problems. Let me tell you about a friend of mine who went to his doctor. During the prostate exam he says ‘Hey doc your ring is kinda hurtin’ me, can you take it off?’ and the doctor replies...” The crowd starts to laugh.

“No wait, I’m not finished yet. As I was saying, the doctor replies ‘I'm sorry, I’m not wearing a ring that's my watch.’ Now you can laugh...How about some more singing and dancing my loves?”

After her rendition of Donna Summer’s Love to Love you Baby, Anna announced “Now that I’ve sung and danced and entertained you lot, it’s now time for you to participate in the night’s entertainment. I’m not doing all the work you little fuckers. Bruce...sorry...Bwuce...give me a drum roll.” Bruce obliged with the appropriate sound effect.

“Thank you. Tonight we are going to have Drag City’s first ever...wait for it suckers...a Wet Jocks competition.” There was much cheering and whistling from the crowd.

“Now of course I can’t enter, I don’t have much in my panties.... not unless I get lucky after the show. Instead I will be the sole, no pun intended, judge”.

“Go Anna” heard from the back of the crowd.

“Where, who let the wildlife into the bar?”..... “Oh silly me, I see what you mean, I thought there was a fucking big lizard out there. Now listen up, I want ten volunteers and I use the term loosely. I need ten men to enter the competition. And I mean real men. Who’s up for it?” Anna looks around the room.

“Come on don’t be shy with Anna, I don’t bite... I just lick.” Four volunteers put up their hands. “That’s a start, come on the stage boys.... but don’t take me literally. The four climbed onto the stage and Anna greeted them by grabbing their crotches.

“Yes, some good talent here. But that’s not nearly enough. If I don’t get volunteers I will have to go down there and choose for myself” Three more volunteers come forward for a feel up by Anna.

“Now it’s becoming a competition.” Laughter from the crowd.

“Well I’m coming down boys. Can someone give a lady a hand?” Romel was nearest the stage so offered to help Anna down.

“Thank you, there still are gentlemen around. What’s your name sweetie?”

“Romel.”

“A big hand for Romel everyone, a real gentleman”. Then pointing to Justin “Now Romel, can I borrow your boyfriend?”

“He’s not me boyfriend.”

“Oh that’s right, you’re with the old bitch over there aren’t you?” she said as she pointed to Edward.

“Now, stand up for Anna, I need to check your wares”. As Justin stood up Anna grabbed his crotch and exclaimed “What a healthy boy you are, jump up on the stage right now with the other boys, I think you will give them some stiff competition.”

“Right I need two more pricks and we’ll have a competition. So just in case you lot up the back thought you were safe being so far away, I’ve got news for you. Mother’s coming right over to you”. Anna pushed her way through the crowd but only got as far as the bar.

“God, what a hike, this place is bloody enormous. Barman, give a girl a drink to keep her going. Something colourful” The barman produced a fancy looking drink with lots of fruit and an umbrella sticking out of it. Anna downed it in one go and staggered towards the back of the room.

“See, hiding up here won’t do you any good, Anna’s now going to pick a dick or two. I’ll have him and him. Oh it feels like I’m in church again” Reluctantly the two chosen ones followed her back to the stage.

“A big hand everyone for our volunteers” Applause all round.

“Now to make it fair gents you all go back stage and change into the jocks we have for you. While they change punters, let’s have some more music. Hit it Bruce.”

Anna performed to Kylie Minogue’s Locomotion and the crowd lapped it up.

At the end of her number the boys all came back on stage dressed only in white jocks and a number written on their chests with pale pink lipstick.

“Is this not a pretty sight?” Anna said as she walked by the boys giving each a little pat on various parts of their bare bodies.

“Barman, bring me a soda siphon.”

When the siphon arrived Anna said “Now this might be a bit cold boys but I’m sure you’re all tough enough to keep it up for Anna.”

With that said she walked by spraying each one’s jocks to reveal the shape of what was packed inside. The crowd yelled and Anna kept spraying till all were wet and the Jocks were almost transparent.

“Take a good look boys and girls at the display of manhood that Sydney can be proud of. Does anyone take your fancy?”

Anna looked at the audience and said in mock whisper “Frankly, my dears any one of them could hang his jocks on the end of my bed and I would be a happy girl. But there can only be one winner so as I walk behind them and hold my hand over their heads I want you to clap, oops sorry, I meant applaud for the man of your choice and Bruce will measure the sound on one of his little electronic gadgety things”. Anna approached each of the contestants.

“Number 1, how about you, the tall one, let me see your fingers dear. Oh, if what they say about the length of a man’s middle finger is correct we might have a winner here.” Anna went to the next man.

“Number 2, you with the blond hair, is it true what they say about blondes having more fun?”

“Well you’ll just have to meet me after the show to find out.” number 2 replied.

“I’ll do the jokes my love. All you have to do is just look hot.”

Anna stood back and pointed to numbers 3, 4 and 5 then said “It’s just like a box of chocolates up here isn’t it?”

Pointing to number 3 “The milky bar kid here sort of takes my fancy.”

Then pointing to number 4 “But maybe milk chocolate is your favourite?” she asked.

“But my favourite is the dark chocolate” she admitted while pointing to number 5.

“Now number 6 what have you to offer” she asked while patting him on the butt.

“Better come back next week for the hot buns competition.”

Then while taking a close look at number 7’s crotch “Are you losing interest already sweetie? Try and keep it up for Anna, that’s a good boy.”

“Oh number 8, you do have big muscles up there” pointing at his pecs “But I’m afraid there is only one muscle we are interested in for this contest. Flex it for Anna.”

“Number 9, I meant to put you next to number 6, but no matter, I’m sure you two can work that out later.”

“Now last, but certainly not least, if I am any judge, is number10. Will you be a ten tonight for Anna?”

“I hope so.” he replied.

“Aren’t they all so deliciously hot?”

The crowd applauded for each contestant and Bruce measured the sound volume.

“To my naked ear the applause sounded much the same for each of you. But has the applause meter found a winner? Tell me Bruce, who is the winner?”

“Number 8 Anna.”

“Thanks Bruce, number 8 please step forward and I will check that the jocks contain only fresh meat and no filler.” Anna gave the winner’s dick a squeeze, pulled the waistband forward and peered in.

“Weight is right punters.” she said as she let the elastic snap back.

“I now declare number 8 the winner” she put the microphone to his mouth and asked “What’s your name pet?”

“Justin” he replied.

“A big hand for Justin everyone.” thunderous applause “Now Justin do you have a boyfriend?”

“Yes Anna, Craig is down there.”

“Oh well, I guess this old drag queen will have to settle for one of the rejects tonight. Now Justin is Craig good to you, because if not Anna will not be amused.”

“He is Anna, very good to me and I love him a lot.” The crown goes “Ahhh”

“That makes an old girl very happy.”

“Congratulations on your win Justin and best of luck to you both.”

“Thanks Anna. Do I get a prize?” asked Justin

“Oh, a cheeky one isn’t he?”

“Well, I was to be your prize, but as you are already taken, how about I pick up the bar bill for your table tonight.” Cheers from the crowd.

“Now get back to your lover before I change my mind and steal you for myself. That’s it for tonight folks now remember as you leave here hold your lover tight and stay safe. You’ve all been wonderful. Good Night!”

Then Anna encored with Gloria Gaynor’s Never can say Goodbye.

After the last song, Romel was the first to congratulate Justin on his win and Justin replied “Thanks Romel. I thought for a second there she was going to get you up on the stage. She was impressed with your gallantry.”

“I don’t think I would have been much competition for you lot.”

“Don’t be modest I haven’t heard Edward complain, well at least not about that anyway.”

“Well they say size doesn’t matter but what you can do with it.”

“Do tell me more Romel.” implored Justin.

“Not right now, maybe some other time.”