Make us Laugh! #2

[JamesSavik]

Don't give up hope. A few years ago, I weighed 310 pounds. After working hard and getting in shape, now I weight 230 and look like the sexy old guy on the back cover of romance novels. Now, all the old cougars at the supermarket hit on me. It's possible, it just takes a while and requires you put in the work.

[JamesSavik]

[JamesSavik]

Good doggo. You can eat as many burglars as you want.

[ASH PHOENIX]

[ASH PHOENIX]

[Ivor Slipper]

[Ivor Slipper]

Last week I had a flat tire on the Interstate. So I eased my rig over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my trailer facing on-coming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My rig has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......

"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

 

[ASH PHOENIX]

[ASH PHOENIX]

[Zombie]

the British love cheap laughs

Doctor Who - 1960s era

Jamie (the Doctor’s companion): 
“Look at the size of that thing Doctor!”

The Doctor: 
“Yes, Jamie. It is a big one.”

[Ticklishboy30]

I've never been to Alaska. Hell, I've never even had baked alaska. 

[Ticklishboy30]

It's very easy to make me laugh...just tickle me. 

[TalonRider]

If you fall down in your own driveway, it's your asphalt. 

[Ticklishboy30]

If a tree falls right at your feet, what color is your underwear. 

[Zombie]

Yes, the human race really is that stupid…  

 

[drpaladin]

I remember a joke Orson Bean told long ago.

Being bored, he picked up the phone book looking for people with unusual names he could call.

(The wonderful days before Caller ID)

"Hello", a cultured voice answered.

"Hello. Is this Gisela Werbezirk von Pifll?"

"Yes, it is."

"Are you the same Gisela Werbezirk von Piffl I went to P.S. 210 with in the Bronx?"

"I'm afraid not."

"Oh, it must have been another Gisela Werbezirk von Piffl then."

(What makes this funnier for me is there really was this name in the NY phone book back then. It also reminds me of phone pranks we used to play.)

[Ticklishboy30]

Me: Honey, it's time to replace season 4 of the Golden Girls. One of the discs skips. 

My husband: Something you'd only hear in a gay household. 

Edited October 11, 2023 by Ajbt2001

[Ticklishboy30]

Me: Daddy-Bear, I want a rainbow necklace, or bracelet. 

My husband: Why? They can already see your proud flame burning brightly from the moon. 

[Ticklishboy30]

My ex boyfriend and I were walking through a mall. A guy walks past us, then suddenly my ex leaned against the wall shook his head. I asked him what was wrong. He looked at me and said, your flame and his flame collided and created a supernova. 😊

Edited October 11, 2023 by Ajbt2001

[Zombie]

Phone call…

“Is my car fixed now?”

“Yeah, er, it’s not quite ready yet…”

 

[ASH PHOENIX]

[Zombie]

Astronomy mysteries

it took until 1930 to discover Pluto, even tho’ there’s a massive great arrow next to it!  

[Ticklishboy30]

The corporate lawyer took a deep breath of the fresh country air as he walked with the farmer. He looked at the farmer and said, "You must love this life. You've got fresh air, beautiful nature, and it's so peaceful and quiet." Unfortunately, he wasn't looking where he was going and stepped in horse manure. 

The farmer snickered and said, "Eh, same shit, different day." 

[Zombie]

gays gossiping

 

 

[Ticklishboy30]

Randy looked at his best friend as they walked across a grassy fiend and asked, "Hey, Wayne."

"Yeah," Wayne responded. 

"Ya know how Rudolf's nose really got so red?" 

Wayne closed his eyes for a second then said, "No."

"Santa socked him one when the reindeer scratched his ass with his antlers."

Wayne shook his head and sighed. "Randy, thats bullshit." He took another step and heard a a squishing sound, followed by his friend's laughter. 

"Nope," Randy said, "bullshit's what you just stepped in."