Make us Laugh! #2

[JamesSavik]

[JamesSavik]

[TalonRider]

As seen,

My back goes out

More than I do.

[Ron]

What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but they're not attracted to you?

Spoiler

Bi-yourself

 

[Zombie]

British humour explained…

Quora

“British people seem to work so incredibly hard to find double entendres in innocuous statements. I watch a lot of British comedy and there are many times they act like an incredible innuendo was made but upon review, I cannot find the joke.”

Reply

I met an American girl in a bar who asked for an explanation to this too. So I gave her one. 

BBC radio comedy show

"The lovely Samantha is having dinner with her gentleman friend the butcher this evening. Last week she had his beef in ale, but tonight she's having his tongue in cider"

 

 

Edited November 19, 2023 by Zombie

[Ivor Slipper]

Late at night, the alien spacecraft developed engine trouble and was forced to land.

The grizzled captain and his young copilot exited the craft to reconnoiter. They were in the high desert, the air was brisk, and it was utterly dark except for twinkling starlight, a low crescent moon, and a faint glow on the horizon.

At an easy pace, they hiked toward the glow on the horizon. It turned out to be an empty gas station, brightly lit by sodium lights, but utterly silent.

Together, they approached the center gas pump in the first row. It displayed digits and letters, but it didn’t respond.

“Take us to your leader,” the captain said. The gas pump remained silent. “Perhaps he doesn’t hear well,” the captain said to his copilot.

“Take us to your leader,” the captain shouted. “It’s very important.” The gas pump remained silent.

“This is your last chance,” the captain bellowed. “Take us to your leader.” Simultaneously, the copilot raised his blaster to threaten the gas pump. Still, the pump did not respond.

'“Now or else,” the captain said, while the copilot began to press the trigger on his blaster.

“No, No …” screamed the captain, reaching out to deflect the blaster, but it was too late.

The blaster hit the pump squarely in the middle, and the explosion was fearsome. The aliens ended up in the distance, 50 yards away, dazed and stunned by the concussion. Slowly, they regained consciousness.

“Tell me,” inquired the copilot. “How did you know the alien was going to be so dangerous?”

“In all my travels back and forth across the galaxy,” the captain responded, “I’ve learned at least one important thing - when you come across an alien who can wrap his dick around himself three times and still stick it in his ear, you gotta give him some space!”

 

[TalonRider]

Diarrhea Awareness Week begins next Monday.

Spoiler

Runs thru Friday.

 

Edited December 6, 2023 by TalonRider

[Valkyrie]

2 hours ago, TalonRider said:

Diarrhea Awareness Week begins next Monday.

  Reveal hidden contents

Runs thru Friday.

 

Sounds like a really sh***y week   💩

[drpaladin]

2 minutes ago, Valkyrie said:

Sounds like a really sh***y week   💩

Only if you're aware.

[JamesSavik]

2 hours ago, drpaladin said:

Only if you're aware.

Oh, thank god I'm not orthodox, so don't have to be observant.

[drpaladin]

Read the fine print.

 

[ASH PHOENIX]

[drpaladin]

A priest was talking to a group of kids about “being good” and going to heaven.

At the end of his talk, he asked, “Where do you want to go?”
“Heaven! Heaven!” Yelled Little Lisa.
“And what do you have to be to get there?” asked the priest.
“Dead!” Yelled Little Johnny.

Edited December 14, 2023 by drpaladin

[Ron]

Have you heard of the book about a bisexual whale?

Spoiler

It's called: Maybe Dick

 

[Ron]

What do you call a man who cries while pleasuring himself?

Spoiler

A tear-jerker.

 

[JamesSavik]

Writer's Privilege

 

Edited January 5 by JamesSavik
i derped

[TalonRider]

Sausage can be the Wurst.

[Ivor Slipper]

18 minutes ago, TalonRider said:

Sausage can be the Wurst.

That's the sort of joke only a Brat would tell...

[Zombie]

Things passengers don’t want to hear when the pilot accidentally leaves the passenger communication switch open…

“What’s it doing now?”
“Where’s the airport?”
“Can you smell burning?”
 

 

 

Edited January 12 by Zombie

[Brit4Shains]

Why did God give women legs?

Spoiler

To keep slimy snail tracks off the floor

I honestly don't intend offense, and if I crossed the line with this one, please let me know... I found it funny when I heard it years ago...

[JamesSavik]

[Ron]

On 1/24/2024 at 2:46 PM, Brit4Shains said:

I found it funny when I heard it years ago...

That’s because it may have been funny years ago.

[Brit4Shains]

Then allow me to try again:

Salesman leave Vegas to California, sees a sign stating Last Chance for Gas 20 miles.

Pulls in, fills his tank and decides to get breakfast at the attached diner. While eating he sees a sign above the kitchen pass thru... "If you can make my donkey laugh, I'll pay $500. Signed Owner".

He finishes his meal, calls the owner over and verifies that the sign isn't a joke. Owner confirms, and salesman says he'll take him up on the offer.

They walk out to where the donkey is tied up, salesman tells the owner he must remain at the building, walks over to the donkey and whispers in his ear.

The donkey brays and starts to laugh uncontrollably. The owner rushes over, demanding to know what was said. Salesman denies that knowledge, stating the sign didn't say anything about it. The owner reluctantly paid the $500.

6 months later, the salesman returning to Vegas, stopped in for gas and breakfast, to find the sign had been changed. Now it read "If you can make my donkey cry, I'll pay $500. Signed Owner".

Again, once the meal was finished, he called the owner over, reminded him of his trip from 6 months past, and told the owner he wanted to take him up on the new offer.

They walked out back, and again the owner was told to stay at the building. Salesman walked over to the donkey, and with his back to the owner did something, and the donkey started crying big ole crocodile tears.

The owner rushed over, and was emphatic... "You have to tell me what's going on!!". Salesman told him "That's easy... 6 months ago, I told your donkey I was hung better than it was... I just proved it".

 

 

[Ron]

I asked my husband if he had advice on how I could stop my dad-joke addiction.

He said, "Whatever means necessary."

And I said,

Spoiler

"No, it doesn't."

 

[Brit4Shains]

Where can you find a perfectly square tombstone?

Spoiler

In symmetry