The Cockney Canuck - 11. Chapter 11 Leaving the UK

It felt as if I had been off school for ages, but because of the Christmas break, I only missed a couple of weeks. Now that my move to Canada had been postponed, Tom’s parents were keen for me go back. Tom told me that everyone at the school knew about my mom. Mr Jenkins had mentioned it at the last assembly before the holidays, when he gave instructions to friends of mine who wanted to attend the church service. I was sure that I was going to get a lot of attention when I walked back into school, and maybe a few questions that I didn’t want to answer.

Tom and I had been up for ages getting ready, and I was fixing my tie in front of the downstairs mirror in the hallway when he walked up behind me, put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me in the mirror.

“You look dashing,” he said.

“Dashing?” I asked. “Who uses dashing? Smart yes; cool definitely, but not dashing.”

“Okay,” he said, “turn around.” I turned to face him, and he had a quick look around to make sure no one was watching before giving me a slow gentle kiss on the lips. “How about sexy?”

“That’ll do,” I said, before we quickly stepped away from each other as we heard one of his sisters coming downstairs. She gave us a strange look, before walking past into the kitchen. She probably knew that we were up to something by our guilty expressions, but I doubt if she would ever have guessed what it was.

We had been fooling around, for want of a better word, for over three weeks, and I was starting to worry about being caught. So far, we had managed to keep it from everyone, but we were taking too many risks. Ironically, it was Tom who was the worse culprit, so I decided to talk to him about it on the way to school that morning.

It felt strange me telling him he needed to back off after spending the last five years trying to get him to do the exact opposite. Not that long ago, I would have given Tom a months worth of pocket money, for a solitary kiss on the lips. Last night he had his tongue down my throat and his dick buried inside of me. It was too bizarre for fiction, something like this, I decided, could only happen in real life.

The past few days he had been all over me like a rash. Being in my company wasn’t enough for him anymore, he had to be kissing, hugging or touching all the time. I loved it, but I was concerned others would see it too, which could only mean trouble.

Tom, I decided was an all or nothing kind of a guy, but I couldn’t work out what made him change or if he was going to change back again. Moving in with him had played a big part in the sudden discovery of his gay side, and Tom always claimed I turned him gay, but there had to be something there to begin with, even if he was just curious.

‘I think Tom is in love with me. He actually loves me’.

I would never get tired of saying that to myself and I think it was true. However, I also knew it could only end badly.

“I’m sorry Robbie. I know what you’re saying and I am probably taking too many risks but I can’t help it.”

“Not probably,” I said, “definitely.” I was smiling as I said this to let him know that it wasn’t a problem for me, just other people. How could I complain about something that was making me feel so good?

“I’m not used to this. I mean having to hide it from everyone. I’ve had girlfriends in the past, and we used to hold hands all the time, and kiss each other in public. I think it’s wrong that I can’t do the same with you.”

“In case you haven’t noticed Tom, I’m not a girl.”

He looked at me with a naughty grin. “That’s the bit I like.”

“Dork!” I had tried to breach the subject carefully without hurting his feelings. I could see his point of course, and it would have been nice if we could have been more open about our relationship, but it wasn’t going to be possible without coming out to the whole world.

Whenever we talked, I would find myself staring into those dark eyes or his gorgeous, spongy lips. I had seen those same lips sealed around my dick on more than one occasion and watched his perfectly manicured, sweaty, hands jerking me off more than a few times now. Nobody else in the world had experienced those pleasures with Tom.

There was something else that I needed to talk to Tom about, that wasn’t going to go away. No matter how much we tried to ignore it, the truth was that soon I would have to leave. Don had allowed me to spend the holidays at Tom’s house, but he had made it clear to me, that they were expecting me over there early in January. I hadn't phoned him as I said I would at the weekend, and I knew that if I didn’t contact him with some kind of date, then he would be on my case. Now that he had met Tom’s parents and they had become friends, he was able to call them as well, which gave him a lot more leverage. I knew that Don had called Tom’s dad on New Years Day, and I was sure that it wasn’t simply to wish him a Happy New Year.

Tom and I hardly talked about me leaving, but we both knew that it would happen and if Don had his way, it would happen very soon.

I didn’t want to think about it, but all the time it was in the back of mind eating away at me. He had been my best friend since primary school, and now he was so much more than just a friend. It would be cruel on both of us, like separating twins and I wasn’t sure how, or if I was going to be able to cope without him to fall back on.

Nevertheless, I had accepted that there was no other way. I had promised my mom that I would do this, and I had given my word to Don and Sue, but there were other issues that also came into play. One of these was the realisation that this would be my one and only chance to be a part of a real family, and although I would never admit this to anyone, it was something that I had always wanted. The other issue was with the social services. They allowed me to stay at Tom’s place up until then, but it couldn't become a permanent, even if Tom’s parents wanted me there. Mrs Oakey would have me put into a foster home and the thought of that scared the living daylights out of me. The choices were clear, at least Don and Sue were family, and as Don had said himself; they were my only family now, so I had to go.

I was sure Tom wouldn't be quite so pragmatic. All he had to lose was me, and that was going to happen whether I went to Canada or stayed in the UK. We needed to talk, but it never seemed to be the right time.

In school I was the centre of attention. I was overwhelmed by how nice everyone was to me, even kids I didn’t know that well, or particularly like. I didn’t mind being made a fuss over but I didn’t want it all the time and felt suffocated by the extra attention.

I had the dubious honour of becoming the only orphan in the school and this seemed to strike a chord with my female friends. Cassie had been sitting next to me that fateful day, when I heard my name called over the PA. She also attended the funeral and talked to me afterwards. We had been friends for a couple of years and shared many of the same classes, but we never saw each other outside of school. She was extra nice to me that day, but it wasn’t until our history class in the afternoon that she got a chance to talk to me alone.

“It must be difficult for you,” she said, “living at Tom’s house.”

“It’s okay, I'm used to it.”

“Don't you have any other family to go to?”

“Not in the UK.”

“Where will you go?”

“My uncle wants me to live with him and his family in Canada. If I stay here then they want to put me into a foster home.” As I said this, she reached over and held my hand.

“You know that I’ll always be here for you, if you wanted to talk, or if you’re feeling down.”

“Err, yes." She had never mentioned that to me before.

“Have you got a girlfriend?”

“No.”

“Oh well, you know that we could always go out if you wanted, one evening after school or at the weekend, if you felt like getting away from Tom’s house for a while.”

“Where would we go?” As much as I loved Tom, the thought of getting away from him for a while, was actually quite appealing.

“Out like maybe to the pictures or something.”

“Oh…you mean, like out on a date?”

She smiled at me. “If you want. I know Tom’s your best mate, but you probably want some female company as well…and I like you Robbie. I like you a lot.” She squeezed my hand tightly.

She certainly wasn’t one for mincing her words and I should have told her that I wasn’t ready yet for a relationship, but with Tom behaving like my shadow, I thought that Cassie’s offer might provide a welcome distraction.

“In that case maybe we should,” I said smiling back at her.

I wasn’t about to start dating girls behind Tom’s back, but I did think that if people thought that we were dating, then it would take some of the heat off and give Tom and I some breathing space.

I told Tom what had happened as we walked home that afternoon, but he didn’t seem to be overly happy with my plans, even after explaining to him how it might help us. He told me another girl we knew had asked him earlier if I was seeing anyone.

“I told her yes,” he said smiling. “And I guess I was right, but she still insisted that I gave you her number. I wrote it on my arm,” and he rolled up his sleeve to show me. “I knew that they would be all over you when you got back."

“Who?” I asked.

“The girls,” he said, “they feel sorry for you and want to mother you, that’s all.”

“Thanks. There I was thinking they liked me, when obviously they just feel sorry for me.”

Tom laughed. “What are you worried about, you’re gay remember.”

I poked my tongue out at him. “You never know, I might be bi."

“No chance. I’ve never even seen you with a girl.”

“Well watch this space, because I’m the one with the girlfriend now.”

“Go for it Casanova,” he said. “But just remember when you go looking down there that she hasn’t got a dick.”

We both laughed. “You think that’s all I’m interested in?”

“You were last night."

“Yes, and I need to talk to you about that.”

“What?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

“Tell me now.”

“NO,” I replied firmly, “It’s embarrassing, but let’s just say, that I’ve been in a bit of pain today.”

“Oh,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

We walked in silence for a while, and I could see that he was upset.

“I’m not annoyed at you,” I said. “It’s my fault as well.”

He moved in close to me. “I’m really sorry if I hurt you. I don’t ever wanna do that.”

I smiled at him. He was so sweet, it was difficult to be angry with him for very long. “It’s okay. Now are you gonna give me that girls phone number or what?”

“Definitely not,” he said. “But the funny thing is, I was going to ask her out myself a few months back, but then something else happened.”

“What?”

“You, dipstick. What do you think?”

“Why don’t you keep her number then and call her yourself?” I said. “I mean after I’ve left.”

Tom looked over at me as we walked, but I kept my eyes on the pavement. I knew it wasn’t something that he wanted to hear.

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to go back to dating girls.”

“Yes, you will."

“What makes you so sure that I’m not gay?” he said. “I mean after everything that we’ve done together.”

It was a reasonable question to ask, and I wasn’t sure what it was that made me so certain that Tom was straight, but I just knew that he was that’s all. “Do you think now that you’re gay?”

“Robbie, I had your dick in my mouth last night remember? And you’re asking me if I’m gay?”

I blushed and quickly looked around us to make sure no one had heard. It did seem a little stupid, but I still wasn’t convinced.

* * * * *

I decided to give Tom a little time and space to think things over. I didn’t think that he was upset with me, just the situation. It had become obvious to me lately that he had feelings towards me and this would make it difficult for me to leave. I had already accepted the fact that I was going to be hurt again when I left, and I knew very well how bad this could be, but I was at least prepared for it. For Tom, it would be a new experience, it was going to hurt him a lot and in turn, it would hurt me.

I wondered if maybe it would have been better all round if nothing had happened between us, and we had just remained friends. It would have been a lot easier for the both of us. Maybe Tom would agree with that statement, but for me it simply wasn’t true. If I were to look back at all the times that I used to lay in my bed at the apartment dreaming about him, and pretending that we were in a sexual relationship. All those fantasies finally came true, but at the time, I would never have believed it possible. If I had been offered the opportunity to have just one night with Tom, then I would have gladly taken it at the time. A week and I would have been delirious with joy. Even if I had to leave next week, which was unlikely, then we would still have had over a month of fun together. I had been convinced that nothing would ever happen between us, so a month had to be much better than nothing at all. It reminded me of Alfred Lord Tennyson’s famous poem, which we had learnt that year at school.

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’

I was certain that this was how I was going to deal with it, when the time came.

* * * * *

He was asleep when I finally went up to his room and lying on his bed still fully dressed in his school uniform. When I looked at his face, I could see that he had been crying, and it upset me that my angel had been crying on his own.

‘I should have come upstairs earlier’.

He looked so beautiful asleep, even with red eyes and a tear stained face. I wondered how I was going to be able to cope without him in my life. He had been a constant companion and friend, long before we were lovers, and I think that it was going to be his friendship that I would miss the most. I might be able to find someone else to share my bed with, but I didn’t think that I would be able to replace Tom’s friendship, not ever.

I could easily have stood there all night just watching him sleep, but I thought that this was probably a bit of a freaky thing to do. It was also a bit of a stupid thing to do, when I could be doing something more hands on like undressing him, and so I went to work. I carefully untied his laces and slipped off his shoes, before peeling off his socks. I loved his feet and I couldn’t resist touching them, as I quickly ran my fingers over his souls and the bottom of his toes. Tom’s feet were spotlessly clean as always, if a little sweaty after wearing shoes all day. Next, I carefully undone his tie and slid it under his collar, before setting about his buttons, and pulling open his shirt. I was certain that he would wake up as I lifted his arms one at a time to remove his shirt, but he only mumbled and tried to turn over onto his side. I had to pull him back in order to undo his trouser button and pulled them down over his feet. He now had only two items of clothing left on, his vest and boxer shorts, and I was beginning to wonder if it would be possible for me to get him naked without him waking up. I rolled his vest up to his chin and pulled it over each arm and his head. He was still asleep now with one item remaining and I was pretty sure that this wasn’t going to cause me too many problems as I slowly pulled his boxers from under him, revealing his most prized asset, which to my surprise was now fully erect. I felt like a bit of a pervert looking at his dick while he was asleep, but it didn’t stop me.

‘If I touch it when he’s asleep without his permission, would I be abusing him? Would he even care if I were’?

He was clearly already aroused and I wondered how far I could go before he woke up. I knelt down by the side of his bed and rested my head on his stomach studying his penis, as I began stroking it gently. He hadn't woken up with me undressing him, now I was going to try to wake him up another way.

I could feel his body moving around under my head his stomach was soft and smooth and he had no fat on him at all. I turned my head towards it, began kissing around his navel and then up towards his chest. All the time I continued to stroke his dick with my hand. Surely, he had to wake up soon, how could he sleep through this? I wondered if it were possible for somebody to cum in their sleep, without knowing about it.

‘Isn’t that what they call a wet dream? Of course it’s possible. Will I be able to do this to Tom without him knowing and if I did would it be a crime of some kind’?

I decided to carry on to see what happened and sure enough, after a while, I was able to see this through to a satisfactory conclusion as Tom pushed his hips upwards and emptied his load onto his stomach. This time I allowed it to slip out of my mouth just in time to avoid a sticky mouthful, but now I would need to clean him and I grabbed a toilet roll from the bathroom and mopped up his mess, before throwing the tissues down the loo.

He still hadn't woken despite everything that I had done to him, so I stripped down to my boxers, switched off the light and climbed over him into bed. I pulled the covers up over the both of us and wrapped my arm over his smooth and still slightly sticky stomach, while snuggling up to his neck.

“Goodnight Tom,” I whispered into his ear.

“Night Robbie” he replied and I sat up, looking at him in the darkness.

“Are you awake?”

“Of course I’m awake,” he said opening his eyes and smiling at me. “How was I supposed to sleep, with you sucking on my dick, you drip?”

* * * * *

That first couple of weeks in January was cold and wet in London, and I don’t think the sun came out once. I hated this time of year, when everything and everyone looked grey and miserable. At school, I had become a little less of an attraction and more like the boy that I had been a year ago. A few of my close friends had noticed this and told me that I looked much happier than I did, even before my mum had died. It wasn’t surprising as the months before her death had brought me down and affected me quite badly. Now it was all over, I was gradually getting my senses back and starting to feel normal again. This is what I told everyone and it was partly true.

Another reason was my sex life, although this was something that I couldn’t mention to anyone at school. I could see it reflected in Tom’s glowing face. We were hardly ever out of each other’s sight and the looks that we gave each other, must have been a clue for anyone who was even a little suspicious of our close relationship. Everyone knew that I was living at Tom’s house and sharing his room with him. It was amazing that no one else could see what was going on between us. Maybe the idea seemed to be so outrageous, that no one dared to entertain it, for fear of being ridiculed.

I wasn’t sure exactly how, but somehow we managed to keep everyone at the school in the dark over our relationship. The same wasn’t true when it came to my social worker Mrs Oakey, who had a habit of turning up when you least expected. She visited me at Tom’s house to ask me for a date when I would be leaving for Canada, but I wasn’t able to give her this information, so she returned to see me at the school a couple of days later. It was just as we were leaving to go home, when she walked into class and had a word with our teacher. I knew what was coming and dutifully followed her out of class to the office, where she led me into the small interview room. I was sure now that she was going to ask me if I was going to Canada or not and if I was, I would need to give her details, which of course I didn’t have. She could tell that I was just playing for time and this was probably what convinced her.

I got it completely wrong and wasn’t prepared at all for her questions.

“I won’t beat about the bush Robbie and I want you to tell me the truth,” she said. “Are you gay?”

“What?” I replied in astonishment.

‘What does she know? Has somebody told her something? Has anybody noticed anything’?

I must have suddenly looked very scared, as every possibility began running through my mind at a million miles an hour. I began to sweat and I must have looked nervous.

“You don’t need to be frightened Robbie. I’m not asking you to out yourself this is totally confidential. It’s important that I know, so that I am able to best accommodate your needs. I want to help you.”

“If you really want to help me, then just leave me alone,” I said.

“You know that I can’t do that,” she said, and at that moment, I was sure that somehow she knew everything. “I’m pretty sure that I know what’s going on and it would be wrong for me to allow this to continue.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“If you want I can interview Tom as well,” she said and I swallowed hard. “But I will find out.”

“THERE’S NOTHING FOR YOU TO FIND OUT,” I shouted, “and I’m not gay. You’ve got it wrong and I don’t know why you have to bring Tom into this, because he hasn’t done anything.” I was angry and I folded my arms on the table and buried my head in them. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, but I knew that it was going to be bad. Yet more bad news for me, I was only going to be here for few weeks, why couldn’t she leave us alone until then.

After my outburst she just sat there for a while without saying a word and allowed me time to gather myself.

“Neither of you have done anything bad Robbie and neither you, nor Tom are going to get into any trouble.” She spoke much quieter now and there was a bit of concern in her voice. “I’m here to protect you, not hurt you; I’m not your enemy. You might think I am, but I’m not.” There was another long uncomfortable silence broken only by the sound of my heavy breathing. I lifted my head and stared at her. She reached into her bag and pulled out a box of sweets, which she handed to me with a warm smile. I think that it was the first time that I had ever seen her smile. It looked as though she genuinely cared there for a second.

“I know that you’re grieving Robbie. And it will take time to get over this.”

“No shit” I replied wiping her smile away. “But that’s not the reason why you’re here though is it?”

“No it isn’t.”

“Then why are you here? Why don’t you just say what you have to say and be done with it, if you’re so sure about it?” After the initial shock, I was starting to get my head together and I wasn’t going to be intimidated. I knew that she had no proof or she would have told me by now, at best all she was working with was her instinct and maybe a few rumours here and there. It wasn’t enough and I knew that she needed me to admit it to her or there was nothing that she could do. She was probably thinking the same thing, I wondered if she had the bottle to come out with it.

“I’m here because I think that you’re having underage sex with Tom, which puts you both at risk physically and emotionally and will cause problems when you get older.”

I was wrong to doubt her; she obviously did have the bottle. My mouth was hanging open.

‘Was she just guessing’?

“Don’t look so surprised” she said, “I can see that there’s more to your friendship than you’re prepared to admit. I’ve known about it for a while now, but to be honest with you, I haven’t been sure what I should do about it.”

I didn’t say anything I just stared at her. I wanted to know how she did this. How could see possibly be so sure about it? I could sense the balance of power shift again to her.

‘She’s bluffing, she couldn’t possibly know anything. She’s just trying to get me to confess then she’ll come down on us like a ton of bricks’.

“The age of consent in this country is 16 and you’re both 15 so technically you’re underage. Don’t worry I’m not going to have you thrown into prison or anything, but I don’t think that you’re emotionally stable enough to be dealing with something like this, on top of everything else. You can talk to me Robbie.”

“I don’t need to you’ve said everything. There’s nothing that I can say that will make any difference. You’ll just do whatever you want anyway.”

“Robbie I’m prepared to make a deal with you. We both know that there is no way that we can stop you and Tom experimenting if that’s what you want to do, because you’ll find some way of getting together. Therefore, I think that it’s pointless separating you two because of this, because it can’t work.

Therefore, I’m not going to include this in my report because as far as I’m concerned nothing has happened. But I can’t let you stay at Tom’s house. We need to get you into somewhere where you have your own room and some privacy.”

“I don’t get it, are you telling me that it’s okay for me to stay there?”

“Until we find a suitable foster home for you yes.”

“How long will that take?” I said.

“A couple of weeks maybe a bit longer” she said “As I’ve put in my report that you’re not in any danger, then it will probably take a bit longer.”

“I see.”

“If you intend to remain in England, then I would like you to go for some counselling and maybe it would be a good idea if Tom went as well. There is an after school club that you may also find very helpful. There will be people there who can help and offer advice to young people like you.”

“You mean the gay and lesbian thingy that the have in the school every Thursday?”

“That’s right.”

“No way am I going there, everyone will find out about me, if there’s anyone there who I know, then I’m finished.”

“It’s okay to be gay Robbie. I know how you feel.”

“No you don’t” I said, “How can you possibly know?”

“My son is gay too,” she said, “he’s sixteen years old and he told me last year when he was your age.”

“You have a gay son?”

“Why are you so surprised? I’m not homophobic.”

“No reason, it’s just a little weird that’s all,” I said. “Can you show me a picture of him?”

“You won’t know him Robbie, he doesn't go to your school and I don’t have a photograph with me.”

“Not even on your phone?”

Mrs Oakey huffed and gave me a stern look, before reaching into her pocket and retrieving her phone. Then she browsed through some photographs, before opening a picture of a young blond haired boy standing next to a girl. She handed me the phone and I could see that the girl was slightly younger than he was, but looked very similar; she had to be his sister. She was right, I didn’t know him but I wouldn’t have minded.

“I don’t know why this is important to you,” she said as she snatched the phone back from me. “Satisfied now?”

I nodded. “He’s nice looking, does he have a boyfriend?”

“No,” she said sternly. “I mean that’s none of your business Robbie. This is not about Jason it’s about you.”

“Okay” I said holding my hands up. “I can hear you.”

She took a deep breath to calm herself down. “So will you agree to attend the after school club?”

“Will Jason be there?”

She looked suspiciously at me. “I’m trying to help you Robbie. Don’t make fun of me. My son is not going to be there and I know for a fact that he’s not looking for a boyfriend.”

“He might be.”

“No he isn’t.”

“He might like me.”

“No he won’t.”

“How do you know?”

“Because he’s not looking for a boyfriend.”

“Why don’t you let him decide?”

“Why don’t you keep out of it?”

“Can I call him?”

“NO!”

“Why not?”

“You don’t even know him.”

“You won’t let me.”

“Okay, I’ve had enough. I know what game you’re playing here,” she said. “But it isn’t working. You need to be talking to somebody about your relationship with Tom not looking at other boys. Now I don’t want you talking anymore about my son, is that clear?” I crossed my arms and pulled a sulky face. “Is it clear?”

“Yes miss.”

“Good, now I expect you to attend this club on Thursday with Tom and I’ll be there to introduce you to someone who will be able to help you.” She handed me a card with information about the club. “It’s good that you’ve opened up to me Robbie. It’s a start and we can move on from here. I know it’s not easy. I’m not going to take you away from Tom but you can’t live with him. It has nothing to do with the fact that you’re gay, it’s just the rules. You’ll still be able to see each other. You can date whoever you want and it’s none of our business, like any other boy or girl your age.” She looked across the table at me, but I refused to look back at her. “Is there anything that you need to ask me?”

“Can I go now?”

“Yes” she said so I slid back my chair, opened the door and walked out.

* * * * *

I always believed that if I gave her the opportunity then Mrs Oakey would stitch me up. Yet here she was seemingly prepared to turn a blind eye and allow me to stay at Tom’s house until it was time for me to leave for Canada.

She had never liked the idea of me living at Tom’s house. She had said that they didn’t have enough room for me in their small house and she was probably right but we managed and it was never a problem.

She had obviously seen the way that Tom and I were acting around each other and she knew exactly what to look out for, because she had first hand experience of a gay teenager with her own son. She had obviously seen something that had convinced her that we were more than just friends. I had no idea what this was, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it had been quite obvious. We had been getting away with it by the skin of our teeth and it was more by luck than judgement that we hadn't been found out and outed.

I suppose if we had to have been caught then it was better to have been caught by Mrs Oakey than anyone else. She had told me that she wouldn’t tell anyone about it. She wasn’t going to out us and I believed her, mostly because I think that she understood what it would mean, because of her son. It would mean that she was probably more in tune with gay teenagers than most other social workers were. I had always hated her with a passion because she wanted to take me away from Tom and put me in care. However, this made her seem a little more human and gave her a vulnerability that she had never had before in my eyes.

That evening I went straight up to Tom’s room complaining of a headache. I wanted to sleep but I couldn’t. I knew that Tom would come upstairs after dinner to check on me, and when he did, I was on the internet. I had been looking up the town of Cobourg, Ontario on Google trying to get some idea of what it was like. Tom sat on the bed and watched me.

“What did she want?” asked Tom. I knew exactly what he had meant.

“She knows,” I said keeping my eyes glued to the screen. “She knows about us. I don’t know how but she does and she’s certain about it. Her son’s gay.”

Tom sat there in silence as I turned towards him he was sitting on the bed leaning back across it with his head up against the wall looking at me.

“She won’t say anything, I know for a fact that she won’t but we’re gonna have to meet her on Thursday and agree to go to talk to some sex councillor or something.”

“You're having a laugh mate,” he leaned forward. “Really?”

I nodded my head.

“What happens now?” he said.

I looked towards the monitor and images of Cobourg and Tom followed my eyes.

“You have to go, don’t you?” I turned to face the screen and forced my eyes shut as they filled with tears.

“Yes.”

I could feel his gentle hands on each of my shoulders as he stood behind me, then I felt his cheek brush against my neck as he leaned down and kissed me gently on the cheek.

“I’m so sorry,” I said and I dropped my head and held it in my hands as I fought with my emotions trying to hold back the tears. I sat upright and wiped my face with the sleeve of my jumper, then turned to face him. He stared at my face and allowed himself the slightest of smiles as he knelt down in front of me and kissed me on the lips.

“I want you to go,” he said. “It’s the best thing for you Robbie. We love you, but we’re not your family. Your family are in Canada. Don’t stay here for me Robbie. It’s meant to be.”

* * * * *

I insisted on going to school right up until the day before I left but this was mainly because I had wanted to spend as much time as I could with Tom rather than sitting around in his house.

What I should have been doing was shopping and preparing myself for a Canadian winter of which I knew nothing about. Don had been calling me every other day prior to me leaving to make sure that I was prepared but of course, I wasn’t.

Tom was probably the only person that I was going to miss. I was sure that I would never be able to find another friend like him. We had made plans to keep in touch via the internet and maybe in the summer he would be able to visit me in my new home. That is what his parents told us when we had to say goodbye at the airport that morning. There was certainly no hiding our feelings then. I unashamedly hugged him tightly and he held on to me as if he wasn’t going to let me go. We even kissed briefly on the lips before I whispered to him “I will always love you Tom.” I think that our overly emotional display had somewhat surprised his parents, but for once neither of us seemed to care. They were never going to be able to understand, but I hoped for Tom’s sake that they didn’t jump to the wrong conclusion.

Despite how it must have looked to them, Tom really wasn’t gay. Having said this however we did have probably the closest and most intimate relationship that two teenage boys could ever have. It was confusing even to me, and I was sure which way I leaned. It didn’t really matter now I suppose, because it was going to be difficult for us to maintain our friendship when we were nearly 4,000 miles apart.

When my mom died, he had been there for me throughout the whole ordeal. He wasn’t able to stop the hurt, but he was prepared to go through it with me and during that time, he was my constant companion, night and day. I don’t know how I would have got through it without him. I hadn’t asked for his help but I needed it and I will never be able to repay the love that he showed me.

We had a lot of sex and a lot of fun having sex, but there was much more to Tom than that. He had laughed with me, cried with me, held my hand at the funeral and hugged me tightly at night when I needed to be loved.

Straight guys just didn’t do these things. Yet it didn’t seem to bother him at all, even after he knew about me. He was able to show his feelings in a way that most boys wouldn’t. Tom may not have been gay but I know that he loved me.