The Cockney Canuck - 129. Chapter 129 Deja Vu

After ignoring several loud knocks on my bedroom door, I covered my head with the duvet and braced myself for the inevitable invasion. It wasn’t long before the door flew open, and a purposeful Nicola marched in.

“It’s time to get up, lover boy!”

“Go away!”

“It’s ten after ten.”

I groaned but made no effort to stir. With Don and Sue not expected home until late afternoon and my body still aching from my earlier exertions with Stephanie, I saw no need to venture from my comfy little burrow. I needed to sleep and was about to drift off again when the duvet was unceremoniously yanked off me onto the floor. Startled and suddenly very cold, I was left curled up in a ball in just a pair of briefs. It was harsh even by Nicola’s standards.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Stephanie’s gone home.”

“And. So what?”

I crawled off the bed, still half asleep and grabbed the duvet. Then as I stared at my tormentor, I was hit in the face by a pair of my shorts. They stayed on my head, draped over my eyes.

“I thought you might want these back. I found them in her bed.”

Then she was gone, replaced by Amy, who stood in the doorway laughing at me.

“Why are you wearing those on your head?”

“Because I’m stupid, Amy.” She giggled as I turned my back on her and pulled them over my briefs. Then I picked a clean t-shirt from my drawer.

“Stephanie stayed here last night,” she said. “Nicola told me not to tell anyone.”

“Then why are you telling me?”

My head popped through the neck of my shirt, and I stared at myself in the mirror.

‘No fucking way’!

There was a dark-red blotch halfway up the side of my neck. It was the size of a loonie and prominent enough to be seen from across the room. I rubbed it with my hand, hoping it would go away.

“Fuck!”

Amy giggled. I forgot she was still standing in the doorway. It was the closest she could get without breaking the rules and entering the room.

“I won’t tell anyone,” she said, and I wondered how much she knew.

“Tell anyone about what?”

She gave me a strange look. “You said a swearword.”

I stared back at her as my tired brain fought to get up to speed. “When?”

“Just now. How did you do that?” She pointed at my neck.

“I don’t know. Look, Amy. I have to get dressed, okay?”

“You're already dressed.”

“I know, but I have to do it again.” I closed the door and sat on my bed with my head in my hands, then slumped back, rolled over and buried my face in the pillow.

*     *     *

Nicola placed a coffee on the counter in front of me. She looked remarkably bright and together considering the state she was in the night before. The red rings around her eyes were gone, and there were no signs of any leftover make-up. The only thing she couldn’t fix was her memory.

“How did I get upstairs last night?”

“We carried you.”

“I thought so; you left me on the floor.”

I chuckled as I recalled how Stephanie and I struggled to carry her up the stairs. “You were out cold. You didn’t even wake up when we dropped you.”

She glared at me from across the counter, and I couldn’t help laughing when she gingerly prodded the back of her head. “There’s a bump on my head.”

“That’s probably from the doorframe.”

“Well, I’m glad you find it amusing. Luckily no one can see it. Unlike the hickey on your neck, dork!” She wheeled away triumphantly leaving me wondering how I was going to hide it from Sue. “You obviously had a good time last night. I take it the Viagra worked then. What is it with you and our friends, Robbie? First, Nathan, now Stephanie. If I see you talking to any of Amy’s friends I’m calling the cops.”

“That’s sick!”

“Okay, maybe that’s a bit unfair, but Stephanie’s my best friend. And you're supposed to be gay!”

“I am! It was a mistake. She … Maybe you should ask her what happened?”

“I’m not gonna ask her.”

“But you just said she was your best friend.”

“That’s why I’m not gonna ask her. I don’t wanna embarrass her, Robbie. She’s probably feeling bad enough as it is.”

‘Feeling bad’?

That certainly wasn’t the way I perceived it.

“We were both pretty wrecked last night. No offence, but she wouldn’t have done anything like that if she was sober. Not with you, anyway. It’s totally out of character for her. She could hardly look at me when she left this morning.”

“Wait a minute, what do you mean not with me?”

“Well, you're my brother for a start, and you're….”

“What?”

“Nothing. You're just not her type that’s all.”

I knew what she was trying to say. Not her type was a polite way of saying I wasn’t popular or cool enough. It had nothing to do with my sexuality, which was the only legitimate reason why we weren’t compatible.

“Are you saying I took advantage of her?”

“No, of course not.” She smiled, patronisingly at me. “You're a boy; you can’t help it.”

“But I don’t even like girls in that way.”

“Did you have sex with her or not?”

“Yes, kind of.”

“Kind of?” She looked me in the eye, and I turned away in embarrassment. “What does that mean?”

“I’m not gonna go into detail, but she wasn’t wrecked. She knew what she was doing. She’s been flirting with me all year; you know she has.”

“She was joking when she said those things. She thought you were gay.”

“I am. Believe me, if it weren’t for the Viagra, it would’ve been a total disaster.”

This seemed to please Nicola, and she had to stop herself from laughing. “Geez, so that stuff really works then, huh. Maybe you should’ve only taken half.”

“I took two,” I said, rubbing my eyes.

“Are you serious? Didn’t you read the label?” Nicola thought it was hilarious. She leaned over the counter to look at my crotch, which I quickly covered with my hands.

“What are you doing?” I stared angrily at her as she backed away laughing.

“I was just checking.”

“Well, don’t!”

“How long does it last?”

“I’d rather not discuss it with you.”

“Oh my God, this is too funny. It totally makes sense now.”

‘Not to me it doesn’t’.

I should have realised that Nicola would try to change what really happened into something more acceptable for her. She found it inconceivable that her best friend would have any interest in bedding her gay, dorky brother, so she blamed the whole episode on pot, alcohol, and Viagra. She even managed to take some credit for solving my problem.

“You should thank me. I cured you,” she said. “People pay a lot of money for sex therapy. Conner’s gonna be a happy boy!”

“Not if he sees this.” I pointed to the hickey and rested my head in my hands.

“Let me see it,” she said, twisting my neck to get a closer look. “Geez, Steph, you really meant it. What were you doing to her?” She smirked. “You don’t have to answer that.”

“I wasn’t going to. Is there anything I can do to hide it or make it go away?”

“It’ll be gone before you see Conner. I think. Maybe not though.”

“First, I need to hide it from Sue?”

“No chance. You're gonna need plastic surgery for that.”

“Well, what am I gonna do?”

“How do I know? You should’ve thought about that before screwing my best friend.”

It was beginning to feel like a conspiracy. Nicola giving me the Viagra and almost telling me to take some. Then coming home early with Stephanie—a girl who had made no secret of the fact that she liked me—before passing out. The hickey was the icing on the cake; guaranteed to attract attention and totally indefensible.

It was almost as if Don had planned the whole thing himself in an elaborate attempt to frame me, except he would never have used Stephanie as bait. No one would have expected that to work.

Our little disagreement was cut short by the doorbell. “Are you expecting anyone?”

Nicola shook her head. She was only wearing a nightdress and ran upstairs to put something on, leaving me to deal with the visitor. In the frosted side panel, I could see three figures, but I didn’t realise who it was until it was too late.

I opened the door and immediately wished I hadn’t. It was the preacher from Don’s church. He was with a middle-aged woman who I assumed was his wife, and standing behind them was my tormentor, the lanky Mr Symmonds.

“Merry Christmas, Robbie. How are you?” As he spoke, the minister began inching forward into the doorway as though he was expecting to be invited in, but I stood my ground and kept the door only half-opened.

“I’m fine.”

“How are you coping with the cold weather?” added Mr Symmonds.

“I was okay until I had to open the door.”

They laughed, but while they were all wrapped up in winter scarves and hats, the icy blast was already stinging my bare legs.

“We actually came to see your father,” said the minister. “Do you mind if we come in?” He already had one leg over the threshold and seemed surprised that I wasn’t moving out of the way.

“You're a little late,” I said. “He died six years ago.” Their collective smiles disappeared instantly, replaced by hard stares as cold as the icy wind. Maybe I was a little harsh, but I didn’t like their condescending tone and the way they constantly referred to Don as my father, even though he technically was.

The preacher glared at me. “I think you know who I mean, young man. Can I see Don please?” He rang the bell again hoping to get someone else’s attention, before bullishly trying to shove me out of the way to get into the house. He was quite aggressive, but I stood firm and pushed him back as hard as I could. I was stronger than the old man, and he probably would have fallen on his backside had Mr Symmonds not been there to catch him.

The preacher obviously wasn’t used to people standing up to him or being manhandled, and he looked shocked, clutching his chest as if I had just dealt him a fatal blow. It was this kind of arrogance that I hated the most. Whatever religious qualifications he possessed didn’t give him the right to walk into people’s homes without being invited.

While his wife fussed over him, Mr Symmonds stepped forward and demanded to see Don.

“He’s not here!” I said and tried to close the door on them, but my former counsellor was pushing in the other direction trying to keep it open it. He was much bigger than me and winning the battle until Nicola arrived.

“WHAT’S GOING ON?”

“We’re here to see Don,” said Mr Symmonds.

“Well, my dad’s not here,” she said. “And you're making the house cold.” She pushed me out of the way and confronted the church people, staring at Mr Symmonds.

“Your brother just tried to push me over,” said the minister. “There’s no need for that kind of behaviour, we mean him no harm.”

I stood behind the door, just out of sight, and rolled my eyes. “He was trying to get in.”

“We’re not allowed to let strangers in the house when our parents aren’t here,” said Nicola. “They’re very strict about that.”

“We’re not strangers, my dear; we’re from the church. Robbie knows who we are.”

“Can I talk to him for a few seconds?” added Mr Symmonds.

My sister looked at me, and I shook my head vigorously.

“Sorry,” she said. “But I’m in charge here, and I don’t know you. Those are the rules. You can come back when my parents are here, but until then, you're not coming in.”

“Your father will hear about this,” said Mr Symmonds.

“I don’t care. If you don’t leave the property, I’ll call the police.”

“Call them anyway,” I said. “They tried to break-in.”

Nicola turned to me. “Go away, you're not helping.”

“Never mind, tell your father we called,” said the minister. “He wasn’t in church this morning, and we wondered if everything was okay. We’ll no doubt see him at Christmas. You're all welcome to the service, even you, Robbie. We want to help you.”

“I don’t need your fucking help!”

Nicola glared at me again and then threw a wild punch in my direction, which I managed to dodge. I couldn’t help it; the man was a total creep.

“We need to talk, Robbie,” said Mr Symmonds. “The door’s still open for you.”

“This one isn’t,” said Nicola as she slammed it shut. “That was really smart, Robbie. You realise he’s gonna tell dad you swore at him and tried to push him over.”

“I don’t care. It’s a pity he didn’t fall over and break his neck!”

She stood for a while with her back against the door, watching me as I rubbed my arms to warm-up.

“You want a confrontation with my dad, don’t you? That’s why you swore at them. You want him to lose his temper so we can all feel sorry for you again!”

“YOUR DAD?” I turned on Nicola, surprising both of us with my anger. “You need to decide if you want me in this family or not!”

“You are such a hypocrite. You never call him dad and you hate it when anyone else does. What do you want me to call him?”

I could have come up with a few choice words, but she had a point. A few minutes earlier, I was berating the preacher for referring to Don as my father, and now I was angry at Nicola for doing the opposite.

“I don’t know anymore. I don’t suppose it really matters.”

“Well, it’s obviously important to you, or you wouldn’t react the way you just did. We all want you in the family, Robbie. But sometimes it’s difficult to know what to say to you. One mistake and you're jumping down our throats. I know it hasn’t been that long, but maybe in the future, you’ll be able to call them mom and dad.”

“Don’t hold your breath.”

She walked over to give me a hug. “Don’t be angry. I’m not trying to push you away. You're a part of this family now, whether you like it or not. God, it seems like you’ve been here forever.” She smiled at me and pressed her finger against my neck. “So what are going to do about this?”

“Nothing I can do. I could wear a turtle-neck, or I could just tell them the truth. Do you think they’ll be upset if they find out I slept with a girl? It’ll probably make Don’s day.”

“No, it won't. Because he won’t believe you. He’ll think it was Conner and then you’ll be grounded for the rest of your life!”

Nicola was right. It was a dead certainty. Even a written confession from Stephanie wouldn’t change his mind. Don would see it as yet another betrayal of his trust, so soon after his so-called climb down, and use it to justify keeping me indoors over the Christmas period.

I looked at myself in the hallway mirror.

‘What the hell were you thinking, Stephanie’?

I couldn’t even remember her doing it.

‘Looks like I won't be going to Conner’s house after all. When Don sees this, I’m gonna be grounded for sure. Conner won't forgive me if I let him down again. It’s over for me’.

“Thanks, Stephanie.”

“Don’t blame her!”

“Well, I didn’t do it myself, that’s for sure!”

“I admit it was a stupid thing for her to do. But she must have had some encouragement. I mean, you were obviously doing something right. Maybe you're not as gay as you think, lover boy.”

I stared at my sister for a while as she teased me, but I had no answer.

“This isn’t helping.”

“Why don’t you cover it with a Band-Aid and if anyone asks, tell them you cut yourself shaving.”

“I don’t shave. Sue knows that.”

“You were practising.” She rubbed her hand across my cheek. “Haven’t you got any hair on your face at all? Have you even reached puberty yet?” I pushed her away. A Band-Aid on my neck would be asking for trouble. The moment she saw it, Nurse Sue would insist on inspecting the wound.

“It’s not funny.”

“Okay, don’t panic. I’m pretty sure I can hide it. I have a few tricks up my sleeve if you're willing to trust me.” Nicola had an evil glint in her eye, but she was the only option I had, and she knew it.

“It’s asking a lot.”

“Okay, then do it yourself.”

“Fine, I trust you. What do I have to do?”

“First, there’s no guarantee this is going to work, so I need you to promise you won’t get mad at me if it goes wrong.”

“What will happen if it goes wrong?”

“It will look much worse. But don’t worry, it’s never gone wrong before.”

It sounded like reasonable odds, so with the lack of a viable alternative, I agreed to her terms, and it worked. Or at least enough for her to hide what was left under a layer of foundation.

Nicola was excited by the results. “I can’t believe I did it.”

“You said it’s never gone wrong before.”

“Yeah, that’s because I never tried it before.”

“You what?”

“Don’t panic. You were a guinea pig. I think it was the toothpaste that did it. Maybe the primrose oil and aloe vera. I’m not sure about the hot candle wax.”

“That was painful,” I said, looking in the mirror. I wasn’t sure in the end if she managed to get rid of the bruise or just turn the rest of my neck the same colour, but it was definitely less noticeable.

Her efforts, however painful, were good enough to hide Stephanie’s love-bite from Sue’s eagle eyes and another quick layer of foundation in the morning helped me to make it through the school day, without Rory noticing. Conner’s sister’s boyfriend was the only one I was worried about at school.

*     *     *

There was no doubt that Stephanie was able to handle our romantic encounter much better than me, but despite everything she told me, I was still expecting things to be different between us. A knowing smile perhaps, or a subtle wink when no one was watching. Maybe some extra eye contact? At least she could have apologised for the mess she made on my neck, although I doubt if she even knew about it.

When I saw her, however, she was exactly the same as usual. She said hello, but that was all.

At lunch, I watched from a distance as she played with her food, before pushing her plate to one side and laughing with Nicola. They were talking to a boy who was in my math class, and I noticed Stephanie eyeing his butt as he walked away.

I should have been pleased she wasn’t following me around the school or leaving love letters in my locker. That would have sent me into a panic, but nothing at all was almost as disappointing, and I wondered if this wasn’t an isolated incident.

For all I knew, it could have been a regular thing for her.

‘She could be working her way through every boy in school’.

Every boy except Nathan, that is. Unlike me, he was true to his chosen path. When I caught his eye from across the cafeteria, he poked his tongue at me and winked, causing another embarrassing movement below the waist.

All or nothing me. I swore I would never touch Viagra again.

At the end of the final lesson, my teacher pulled me aside and told me I had to report to the reception to see Mr Andrews. I kind of guessed what it was about and when I switched on my phone, there was a message from Jo giving me the heads up.

I sent Nicola a text to let her know I wouldn’t be on the bus and made my way to the front office, where Miss Pringle was in festive guise. She was wearing a pair of reindeer antlers, which suited her elongated face, and I found myself staring at them as I waited for her to lift her head from her computer screen.

“Can I help … Oh, it’s you,” she said. Her face dropped, and her eyes narrowed as she grabbed her coffee, moving it out of my reach.

“Hello, Miss Pringle. It’s me, Robbie.”

“I know who you are!” she growled and pressed the intercom to talk to the principal. As she lowered her head again, I couldn’t resist feeling the top of her antlers.

“Don’t touch,” she snapped and brushed my hand away.

“I only wanted to feel them. Are they real?”

She straightened out her headdress and frowned at me. “You’re in trouble, young man? Go through to the principal’s office. He’s waiting for you. With the police!”

I could tell she enjoyed that. Nothing would have pleased her more than to see me escorted from the school building in handcuffs, but it wasn’t to be. I thanked her and then smiled at Mr Andrews as he came out to meet me.

He looked worried as he ushered me into his office, where the first person I saw was Sue. She was chatting casually with two uniformed police officers. One of them was Constable Reynolds, the young officer who came to our house after Alex ran away. He was accompanied by an older female officer who often patrolled the beach during the summer.

I was concerned about Sue’s presence. I hadn’t told her about the assault and had no intention of doing so. She motioned for me to sit down next to her, while the principal closed the door and took his seat behind his desk.

“Why didn’t you tell me about any of this?” she whispered, but I didn’t get a chance to answer. “It doesn’t matter, we’ll talk later. Just tell them the truth.”

“We’re only here to take a statement,” said Constable Reynolds. “You don’t have to be nervous.”

He tried to sound relaxed, but it didn’t make it any easier, and I struggled to answer their questions.

They wanted me to go into detail which I found embarrassing and awkward, especially with Sue next to me and I wasn’t prepared for some of their questions.

“We interviewed your father this afternoon,” said the female officer. It seemed to explain why Sue was there, but I thought Don was at work. “He was there during your altercation with Alex, wasn’t he?”

“Only at the beginning.”

“You haven’t mentioned him in any of your statements.”

“Because he didn’t see anything.”

“He says he saw everything. And it was you who attacked Alex. He had to physically drag you off him. It’s a lot different from the version you gave us.”

I wasn’t expecting them to talk to Don, especially without me being there and I wondered what else he had told them. I knew he would embellish his story to make me look bad, but so far everything she said was right. She was pressing for an answer.

“I might have hit him a couple of times, but only because I found out he was trying to cause problems with my ex-boyfriend. It was his fault why we split up.”

“A couple of times?”

“I’m not sure; I can’t remember.”

“Enough times for your dad to fear for the boy’s safety. He says he was pretty shaken up. Why did you attack him, Robbie?”

“I didn’t attack him, and he wasn’t shaken up, I didn’t even hurt him. I lost my temper, but most of my punches missed.” I had to stop and think about what I was saying. She was recording the interview, and maybe I wasn’t doing myself too many favours. I tried to redress the balance. “Alex is a bully. He’s hit me hundreds of times in the past. He hits people for fun. You can ask anyone.”

“We’re not talking about the past; we’re talking about the day you claim he assaulted you.”

“That’s the truth, he did assault me.”

“The problem is, the only witness claims it was the other way around, and he’s your father.”

“He wasn’t a witness. He wasn’t there when it happened. Don only sees what he wants to see.”

“He describes you as troubled, short-tempered, and aggressive. Would you agree with that?”

“That’s not fair,” said Mr Andrews. He stood up to make his point. “I thought you were supposed to be taking a statement.”

“You don’t have to answer that, dear,” said Sue, but I insisted.

“No!” I said through gritted teeth. “But it’s a pretty good description of him.”

The two officers exchanged glances as Sue reached over to try to hold my hand. I pushed her away.

“Well, at the moment there’s no evidence to suggest you were sexually abused, either from the hospital or any witnesses,” said Constable Reynolds.

“Can I go now; I’ve got homework to do?”

He looked ready to call it a day, but his colleague had more questions.

“Do you know where Alex is?”

“All I know is he wanted to go to Florida.”

“If you know of his whereabouts, you….”

“I DON’T!” I cut her off, and she glared at me.

Constable Reynolds explained why they were concerned. “This case has raised a few red flags. It’s unusual for a teenager to simply vanish like this in such a small town. Particularly with a young boy in tow. Alex is quite well known; somebody would have seen them by now for sure.”

‘Maybe he did make it to Florida after all’.

I smiled at the thought of him in Disney world, but the woman officer didn’t appreciate it.

“It’s not a laughing matter,” she said. “Just so you know, we’re now treating his disappearance as suspicious.”

“What do you mean?” asked Sue

“They could have been abducted,” said Reynolds.

“Or even murdered,” said his colleague. “We can’t rule anything out, Mrs Taylor.”

I thought it was preposterous and laughed. “So do you think I killed him then?”

“Did you?” she asked.

“You’ve obviously never met Alex. I wouldn’t be able to kill him; I’m scared of him.”

“But you just admitted you attacked him.”

“That was different, I lost my temper.”

“That’s how most homicides happen. You haven’t answered the question.”

“Fine. I didn’t kill Alex, okay? But if you wanna ask me those kinds of questions, then I’m pretty sure I should have a lawyer here.”

“The boy’s right,” said Mr Andrews. “I’m going to have to ask you to stop these questions. As far as I’m aware, he’s not under investigation.”

“They’re just routine questions,” said the woman officer. “We’ll be in touch if we need any further information.” She smiled at me, and I glared back at her.

“Don’t bother. You’ve done nothing to help me anyway. I came to give you a statement, and all you do is accuse me of murder.”

“No one’s accusing you of anything, Robbie.”

“Good, because Alex isn’t dead. You're just saying that because you can’t find him.”

*     *     *

When I walked out of the principal’s office, my head was spinning. Sue had the car, but I didn’t want to have to face more questions on the way home, so I pleaded with her to go without me.

“Is it Don?" she asked. "Because you don’t have to discuss this with him if you don’t want to.”

“No, I promised to go to Rory’s house, after school,” I said. “I can take the bus home later.”

I don’t think she had the heart to deny me. She must have realised I needed to get out of the house for a while, but I had no intention of seeing Rory, I just wanted to be on my own.

The corridor was empty when I reached my locker and began the ritual of preparing myself for the outside. The weather had improved from the weekend, but the electronic thermometer over the stairwell was flashing minus ten.

When I stepped outside, I was hit by a cold wind and a snowball that exploded in my face.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to get you in the face.” I recognised the voice and braced myself as the excited boy ran towards me.

“You're a dick, Nathan.”

“I know I am. And I’m a terrible shot.”

He wiped my face with his scarf, and I laughed as I spat out snow. It was almost too funny. “Still using the same old excuses, huh?”

“I saw you coming down the stairs, and I couldn’t resist ambushing you.” He gave me a quick pat on the cheek with his gloved hand, and winked at me, before walking away. “Sorry I got you in the face!”

I jogged after him. “Don’t be sorry, I like it when you do that.”

He gave me a peculiar look as we walked across the parking lot. Like he wanted to say something but thought better of it.

“So, are you getting the bus?”

“Actually I was gonna walk home today.”

“Walk! Are you crazy? In this weather?”

“I don’t wanna get back too early. I’m trying to avoid Don.”

“Is he being an asshole again?”

“When isn’t he? It’s not that bad though; I just don’t feel like talking to him, that’s all.”

“Why are you so late?”

“Police interrogation. What’s your excuse?”

“Drama class, of course. Did you say police interrogation?”

“Yeah. What are you doing for Christmas?”

“The usual boring family stuff, nothing special. What’s this with the police?”

“Nothing important; they think I murdered Alex. So what about your boyfriend, I forget his name?”

“You mean Ryan?”

“That’s it, Ryan.” I tried to sound upbeat, but I was only trying to be polite. I had no interest at all in the guy who had replaced me.

“What about him, and what do mean you murdered Alex?”

“You’ll be seeing him at Christmas, won't you?”

“Who Alex? Not if you murdered him, Robbie, no!”

“No, I mean your boyfriend!”

“Are you gonna murder him too?”

“No!”

“Pity, so what have you done with poor Alex?”

I stopped as we reached the road and laughed. I missed these nonsensical conversations, but in amongst all the crap was something that interested me a great deal.

“I don’t mean to pry, but why would you want me to murder your boyfriend?”

I was expecting him to bombard me with mushy quips about how great and successful this new guy was, and how happy they were together, but this clearly wasn’t the case.

He laughed as we crossed the road. “He’s not my boyfriend for a start, and I’m not sure if he ever was. Anyway, I’m not with Ryan anymore. I haven’t seen him in over a month. I thought you knew.”

“How would I know? I just heard that he was a little older than you, that’s all.”

He chuckled to himself as we reached the bus stop. “He was twenty-two, Robbie. Not exactly old.”

“That’s still seven years.”

“Does it really bother you that much? I made a mistake, It’s not the end of the world!”

I didn’t care for him snapping at me like that, so I turned my back on him and looked at the sky. It was snowing again and starting to get dark, but we were dry under the glass roof of the bus stop.

“Déjà vu,” I said.

“I know.” He was looking at the ground and smiling to himself.

“This is where we first met. You're sitting in the same seat.”

“I don’t need you to remind me, Robbie. It wasn’t that long ago; you know?” He shook his head and glanced at his phone. “Anyway, you're wrong. I was sitting on this seat when we first met.” He pointed to the one next to him. “Ginny was sitting here, and you were over there.”

I looked at him and smiled. It was impressive. “I didn’t realise you had such a good memory.”

“Only for things that matter to me.”

His reply caught me off-guard. I thought it was a cool thing to say and tried to think of something equally as meaningful, but my mind went blank.

“I’m sorry about Ryan.” It was the best I could do and a blatant lie.

“I’m not. He’s an asshole. I guess he got what he wanted from me. I won't be that stupid again.”

I felt sorry for him. Nathan deserved better than that. Maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t walked out on him, but I couldn’t help thinking that this was a lesson he needed to learn. The grass is always greener on the other side. My mom always used to use that expression, and it’s very true. I found that out for myself when I left Nathan, then spent three months regretting my decision while pretending otherwise. Now I wondered if he was thinking the same way.

“If it helps, then you're not the only stupid one. I made a mistake that was probably worse.”

He smiled. “Robbie, being less stupid than you, isn’t a huge achievement. Just saying.”

“Thanks. You say the nicest things.”

He laughed. “Well, you deserved it. What did you do? Are you gonna tell me?”

“No, not now you made fun of me.”

“Oh, come on, please. I have to know.”

“Nope.”

“You're a tease.”

“And you're a queen.”

He frowned at me, but it was all fake. I could tell how much he was enjoying this.

“That really hurt, Robbie. And it’s homophobic.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is. Just because you're gay, doesn’t mean you can tell gay jokes, you know. Now tell me what you did, and I might let you off the hook. But it better be good.”

“I slept with a girl.”

“Not good enough!”

“What?”

“Not nearly scandalous enough. Tell me it was a teacher.”

“No, that’s nasty. She is older than me, but not much.” I smiled at him before mumbling to myself. “She’s not twenty-two.”

He narrowed his eyes at me. “I heard that! Go ahead, humiliate me. I don’t care.”

“It was a joke. I love you really, Nathan.”

“I know you do. So who was it?”

“I can’t tell you, I’ve been sworn to secrecy, but she’s one of Nicola’s friends.”

“Oh, it’s probably Stephanie then.”

“How did you guess?”

“It wasn’t difficult, Robbie. She’s always had the hots for you. So much for your secrecy. So what happened with Conner? He was a cutie.”

“I said it was a mistake.”

“So you cheated on him. You don’t deserve a boyfriend. You can give him my number instead. I’m looking for someone to keep me warm his winter.”

“Stay away from him.”

“He’s kinda sexy.”

“That’s why I want you to stay away.”

“Whatever. Don’t get your knickers in a twist. I wouldn’t do that to you anyway.”

“I don’t think you're gonna have much trouble finding yourself a boyfriend, Nathan. You're the most popular kid in school right now.”

“In a school full of straight kids, you mean. And in the most boring town in the world.”

“Maybe you set the bar too high.”

“I dated you, Robbie. I don’t think so.”

“I’m gonna ignore that remark. But I guess Cobourg isn’t the best place to be gay and single.”

“Don’t worry about me,” he sighed. “I’m just unlucky, that’s all. I suppose I’m destined to be on my own, forever.” I sat down next to him with a long face; sniffing and wiping back pretend tears. “What are you doing?”

“That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“It’s not funny.” He lashed out with a flurry of jabs as I jumped up laughing.

“It’s hilarious. You're fifteen, Nathan. I doubt if you’ll be on your own forever.” As I teased him, I could see the corners of his mouth curl up into a smile he could no longer contain.

“I hate you,” he said, looking over his eyes at me and giggling.

“No, you don’t, you love me.”

“In your wet dreams.”

“Maybe so. But you still love me. You can’t help it. I bet you think of me all the time.”

“Don’t kid yourself.” He feigned a yawn and went back to his phone. “Your bus is coming, or are you still gonna walk home?”

I looked at the snow falling. “I think I’ll get the bus. See you at school tomorrow.”

“Not if I see you first, dickhead.”

I put my coins in the jar and ran to the back of the bus, to wave at him. He didn’t look up from his phone, but he must have known what I was going to do, and as the bus pulled away, he lifted his arm to give me the finger.

It kept a smile on my face as I began to thaw. The snow on my hat was melting, my nose was running, and my eyes watering. I may have even been crying. I wasn’t sure anymore. I wasn’t sad, though. I felt good. Better than I had felt in a long while. I wiped them all with my sleeve and smiled at the grim-faced, first nations lady sitting opposite, then chuckled all the way home as I replayed our conversation.

Nathan was far from perfect. He was self-centred and often embarrassingly outlandish. But he also made me laugh more than anyone else I had ever known, and I think it’s what I missed about him the most. That and the sex!