Young and Hungry - For Life - 43. My Mate Tristan

In a moment of idleness, Justin looked at his phone and realised he hadn’t changed the wallpaper picture for some time. He looked at the group photo with Edward in the background, in a photo bomber pose, and thought ‘that’s right, always where he isn’t wanted’.

His dislike of Edward had not softened, but Craig’s words started going around his mind.

‘I’m more concerned about your emotional health. I know you say you’re fine, but you are not’

This reminded him that his partner really cared about him and could he be right. Then he remembered ‘talk it out with someone, I don’t give a fuck who, just do it!’

Justin didn’t like being bullied but believed the words had come from love rather than anger.

He pulled up his phone number list and scrolled up and down. ‘Should I call Mum, no don’t want to bother her. Maybe...no not him, he’ll just lecture me. Then as the screen lost its scrolling momentum, the name of the perfect listener was there, centre screen.

He paused, thumb hovering over the name, then tapped the screen, which advised ‘other number ringing’. He moved the phone to his ear and soon heard “Hello Justin, so good to hear from you, how’s things?”

“Not too good, that’s why I’m calling, hope I’m not interrupting anything”

“No, I’m all alone just listening to music”

“What’s on your mind, you sound a bit down”

“I am and was wondering if I could come over and talk”

“Sure, when?”

“Would now be OK?”

“Sure, so long as you don’t mind me in trackies”

“I’ve seen you in less”

He laughed and added “That’s true. I remember those early days when you started dance lessons and used to come over for a smoothie afterwards. They were fun times, how come we don’t do that anymore?”

“Could we do it now?”

“How long will you take to get here?”

“About twenty minutes”

“Great, just enough time to duck down to the veggie stall, when I was on my run this morning, I noticed they’ve got fresh raspberries in today”

<>

“I’m going out Craig” he called but got no answer. Assuming he might have been down the back at Gran’s, he sent a text and left.

“That’s a good sign” Craig said to his grandmother “Justin’s going over to see Tristan”

“Is that the dancer chap?”

“Yes, they’ve been very good friends in the past, but not seen much of each other in recent times, except at social functions”

“Life moves on hey”

“I guess so Gran, but I’ve been trying to get Justin to talk to someone for weeks. He won’t let go of this Edward thing, but if he’s going to see Tristan, that sounds like he’s making a start”

“Why do you say that?”

“They used to have a weekly get-together when Justin was taking dance lessons for fitness. I’m pretty sure they talked about more than dancing, because he always came home happy”

“You don’t mean they were...you know?”

“No Gran, nothing like that. I mean Tristan seems to be a friend that Justin can talk to easily. He doesn’t open up to everyone, especially not me at times”

“So why didn’t you tell him to talk to Tristan earlier”

“Because if I suggested it, he would do just the opposite. He has to think it’s his idea”

“Smart move.... Come to think of it, your Gramps was a bit like that”

“Well no matter whose idea, I hope it works”

“It is sad when old friends fall out, but give him time and I’m sure he’ll come around. I have to say, this is the first time I’ve seen Justin so upset since that other incident”

“Exactly Gran, I think Edward’s writing has raised all that again for Justin and he does not know how to process it. Hopefully, talking through it might help”

“Does he not talk to his mother about his problems?”

“As a mum yourself, you should know the answer to that”

“I suppose you’re right, but some mothers and sons have a close connection and I would have thought that would be the case for Justin and Jessica, especially given how his father was”

“That’s just it Gran, this concerns his father and all the terrible things he did and how he died. I’m sure he didn’t want his mother to relive all that”

“So from that point of view, it makes sense she would be the last person he would talk to about it.”

***

Tristan returned home and pulled off his shirt, to cool down from his run back from the fruit stall. He also removed his track pants, leaving him wearing just his boxers. He threw all the ingredients into the blender, just as Justin knocked.

“Come in Justin”

They hugged for just a little longer than Tristan was expecting, but he let Justin set the pace as he knew it must be serious for Justin come around on such short notice. He suspected it was probably the Edward issue but was hoping that had not caused any problems between him and Craig. Rather than ask ‘what’s wrong’ he let Justin raise the matter in his own time.

“You’re just gonna love this new smoothie recipe I’ve got for raspberries”

“Sounds good, so where’s Snowy today?”

“At TAFE, this is his last week before summer break”

“Of course, he seems to be doing very well with his studies and Charlie is certainly impressed with him”

“Good to hear. Now give me a moment” Tristan then pressed high on the blender and all other sound was drowned out.

Whirring stopped, Tristan poured two long glasses of raspberry smoothie and handed one to Justin. “Come and sit on the sofa”

As they sat, opposite each other, Justin said “Just like the old days, us sitting here drinking, you wearing next to nothing and me fully clothed”

“It did seem to be like that, because you always arrived just as I was out of the shower. Somewhat different today, I’m still sweaty from running”

“You’re keeping in good shape”

“One of the side benefits of lockdown was plenty of time to work out. Some days there was not much else to do”

“Oh I don’t know that’s true, I’m sure you and Snowy did plenty of ‘working out’ together”

“Yep, that was another benefit. It would have been a lonely time if we had not been together”

“Sort of forced into being...what did you call it... a soloist?”

Tristan laughed and added “Yeah, that was me, but being half of a duo, I now know is much better”

“Good to hear”

Justin was then quiet for almost a minute and Tristan let him process his thoughts.

“Tris...I need...that is...I want to...if you’ll listen...fuck! I need to talk something through with you. There I finally got it out”

Tristan got up and moved to the sofa. He then held Justin’s hand and said “You know you can talk to me about anything and whatever it is, it goes no further than this room, if that’s what you want”

“I know and it’s always been easy to talk to you, more than anyone else I now”

“So chew my ear as much as you like”

Justin then jokingly, lightly bit Tristan’s ear and they both rolled around the sofa laughing.

“Relaxed now?” asked Tristan

“Yes, thanks”

“So what’s this about?”

Without hesitation, Justin said “I think I fucked up big time about Edward’s stupid book. I hate him for what he did and I’m glad I told him so, but I can’t back down and make friends with him”

“You don’t have to back down, you can maintain your stance on the matter, but stop the hating, it only hurts you on the inside”

“That’s what Craig said, but I’m certainly not ready to be his friend again”

“OK, that will probably take time, but what you need to do is think about yourself. Hating does not heal the hurt. While you put all this effort into hating Edward you’re putting no effort into healing the hurt you feel. Don’t you think you deserve that?”

“Yes , and I get that, but you know, sometimes I hate myself and that stops me from healing. I don’t like feeling like this”

“Is it because of your actions towards Edward?”

“Not really, I think it’s been there for a long time and this has brought it to the surface”

“Is it because of your childhood and what your father did to you? Did his actions make you hate yourself? You shouldn’t blame yourself for that, it’s not your fault you are gay, I thought you would know that”

“No...yes of course I know that. It doesn’t go back that far, it’s more recent I think”

After a pause Tristan said “Go on”

“It’s...Tris, I did something bad...well not bad really...maybe a bit naughty, but at the time it seemed alright, it seemed natural. I’m sure all brothers do it growing up. That’s what he said anyway, and I believed him it was good for us. But then there was the other thing he did and I felt guilty about that, even though I didn’t do it, but I knew about it, so I was complicit and then he goes and leaves me to deal with it on my own. I fuckin hate him for leaving me like that”

“Is this about Jared?”

“Yes, the bastard”

“You do know that hating the dead is even more fruitless than hating the living”

“Yes, I guess so, it’s just that I always wanted a brother, but never had one, then as you know we found each other and became very close very quickly”

“That’s natural”

“Yeah, but we became a bit too close”

“Can brothers be too close?”

“Have you got a brother?”

“No, only a sister”

“I won’t go there, that would definitely be wrong, but with brothers it seems different, not so bad. However brothers should probably not be so close they are in each other’s body”

“I take it you’re not talking about understanding each other’s thoughts”

“No Tris, I’m talking about...well you know”

“So you felt OK at the time but now it bothers you?”

“It was only after he died that I started to feel guilty about it. Don’t know why, but it just kept getting worse the more I thought about it. And I couldn’t talk to him about it when he’d gone. I think I hid it well, but I lost it when Edward did his thing. I can’t really see a connection between the two, but I now feel worse than ever before”

“Maybe you over reacted to the book because you were in a weakened state from your other bothers”

“That might be it, but how do I get out of this mess, I don’t want to hate anyone, but at the moment that seems to be the easiest thing to do”

“The guilt you feel about what you did with Jared should fade with time if you are otherwise happy with your life. As far as Edward is concerned, you can fix that. It is within your power to forgive. But if you can’t forgive just yet, you can stop hating Edward and yourself. I’m not an expert on the subject, by any means, and maybe you could seek professional help. So, I’m not sure how the two things work together, but I am sure that baby steps are the way to go. Fix one thing at a time”

“You mean forgive Edward?”

“Forgive or forget, whichever works for you”

“Thanks Tris, I feel better already”

“Can I ask you a very personal question, and tell me to butt out if you want, but I need to ask. Does Craig know about you and Jared?”

Justin thought for a moment, then gave Tristan an answer that was only partly true “No, that is I haven’t told him everything, maybe he suspects but hasn’t said anything”

“Then do you think that might be where the guilt and self-hate really comes from. Maybe it’s not so much what you did but that you have kept the secret from your partner”

Justin suddenly hugged Tristan, who asked “What’s that for mate?”

As he let go of Tristan, Justin said “You’re brilliant, it was fuckin staring me in the face all the time, why couldn’t I see it. I’ve been blaming anyone I could when it’s not them that is the problem, but me. I just thought of something. Craig said hate eats you up inside and you said much the same thing. Fuckin guilt does the same thing”

Tristan then hugged Justin, but he didn’t ask why, he just enjoyed the feeling.

As they parted, Justin said “Tris, for a bloke that earns his living with his feet, you sure have a good head on your shoulders”

“I didn’t do much, you just needed to talk it through and found the answer yourself”

“You’re a good mate”

“Then don’t leave it so long next time you have a problem. Come talk anytime”

“Thank you”

“You said there was something Jared did and you felt bad about it, even though you didn’t do it”

Again, Justin only told Tristan half the truth.

“When we were in the outback...Jared raped me”

“You mean he fucked you, when you weren’t keen on doing it?”

“No, it was worse than that, it was violent and he even tied me up”

“I can’t believe it, are you sure?”

“Tris, of course I’m fuckin’ sure he died me up and fucked me in the dessert dirt”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to doubt you. It’s just hard to believe he would do such a thing”

“Yep, I can see that from your position, but it really happened”

“I believe you, but you shouldn’t feel guilty about it. You must know it’s never the victim’s fault”

“Of course, but I don’t think it matters now. I can put it into perspective and maybe bury it. At the very least I don’t want to speak badly of Jared. It’s not good for me to do that. I want to think of the good things he did and the fun times we had together as pleasant memories”

“Now the leading question...are you going to talk to Craig about Jared?”

Justin thought for a while, then asked “Do you think I should?”

“It’s not for me to say, it’s your decision. You have to weigh up how it will affect your relationship, if you do and if you don’t. But I will ask you another question. Will the guilt go away if you don’t?”

“You bugger! You tell me what to do, by asking a question”

Tristan just shrugged his shoulders and Justin gave him a mock punch to the abs.

“Oh, want to resort to physical violence, do you?”

That started a wrestle on the sofa. They soon fell onto the floor and continued wrestling until Snowy opened the door and said “What have I stumbled into here?” As he pulled off his shirt and dropped his jeans he exclaimed “Bloody hot out there and the bus broke down at the top of George street, so I hoofed it the rest of the way”

Feeling he needed to explain, Tristan replied to Snowy “Justin came over for a catch up and words lead to push and shove”

“Well whatever the argument was it’s a dry one as far as I can see. Beer guys?”

<>

Snowy stood at the fridge, letting the cool air flow over his body. When Tristan noticed, he said “They won’t jump out of the fridge on their own”

“Oh very clever, I’m just trying to cool my balls a bit” he replied as he stretched forward the band of his boxers.

“Pity they’re not detachable, then you could pop ‘em in the freezer”

“I’ll make you pay for that remark”

“And how will you do that big boy”

As he said “Pleased you noticed” Snowy then walked towards Tristan, with three beers in hand, pulled the band of Tristan’s shorts, dropped in a bottle, then asked “Where would you like yours Justin?”

*****