Gap Year - 32. Chapter 32

February 19, 2004

Santa Cruz, CA

Brad

I sat on my bed, thinking of how badly I’d fucked up my life, but I couldn’t even do that right. My mind was flying from one thing to the next, while my body was exhausted. I took off my clothes and put on a robe, then paused to study the walls. It almost seemed like they were moving. Maybe we had a small earthquake or something. I got a lot of shit from my family for being a control freak, and while I didn’t like to admit it to them, they were probably right. That’s why this was so excruciating. Usually I was focused on trying to control the world around me; shit, now I couldn’t even control my own mind. I had to get a grip on my brain, and I had to get a grip on the situation with Jake.

I’d told them tonight that losing Jake had been as painful as losing Robbie. I don’t think they really understood the depth of my feelings for Jake. I’d loved Robbie, I truly had, but there was no denying that all of our drama had dulled my feelings for him. With Robbie I was always insecure, always worried that he was out shopping for my replacement. I couldn’t help but think that if Robbie would have lived, by now we’d both be with other people. He’d wanted a level of freedom I couldn’t let him have, and I craved the security that he couldn’t give me. I’d tried to be flexible and to give him leeway to be with Alex Danvers, but that had eaten me up inside. I really didn’t like the person I turned into when I had been with him and he’d been seeing other people. I had been unstable, unreliable, and for a good portion of the time, unhappy.

Being with Jake was entirely different. I knew he was as committed to me as I was to him. Until this blow up, we synced together perfectly. We read each other’s moods and knew how to handle them. He had embraced my family so warmly that most of them probably liked him better than they liked me. He had the ability to be calm and logical when I wasn’t, and I had the ability to do the same thing with him. Being with him had been blissful until the army came along and fucked things up. I’d been really mad that he’d let that guy in the leather bar fist him, but I could forgive him and move on. I wondered why I could do that for him but not for Robbie? I mulled that over and decided that since Robbie’s eye was always wandering, in order to be special to him I had to have some trick that no one else could do that would make him happy. Fisting had been that trick. With Jake, I didn’t really need something like that. I could make him happier than anyone else out there, regardless of whether I used my hand or my dick. And all this ruminating made me realize how much of my relationship with Robbie had been tied to sex, while with Jake it was about our emotional bond.

Of course, as soon as I came to these conclusions, my mind tried to derail me, and the fucking meth that was in my system screamed out for more. My palms got sweaty as I mentally resisted the impulse to do just that. I was smart enough, and a good enough schemer, that if I stayed in this room by myself, I’d probably figure out a way to escape and satisfy my cravings. I had to resist. I couldn’t do that. My logical mind told me it would be one of the dumbest things I’d ever done, but it was slowly being eroded and overridden by the desire for the escape that drug would give me.

The answer was across the hall, and I knew it. I so wanted to go to Jake’s room and curl up with him, to feel his body soothe my beleaguered conscience. He’d offered to let me to do just that. But even though I had an open invitation to sleep with him, I wanted an excuse to join him. I knew that I couldn’t handle being rejected by him, so if I had a reason to see him and he blew me off, at least I wouldn’t be humiliated. I grabbed the pill bottle he’d given me, left my room and walked up to his. I knocked gently and smiled when I heard him say “Come in.”

“You said I could bother you, so I’m doing that,” I said, then yawned.

“You come to join me?” he asked, smiling back, and pulled the covers back in an obvious invitation. So much for my big plan to have a plan to make this look like it wasn’t my scheme to jump in bed with him.

“I am,” I said. I untied the robe and let it drop to the floor, then climbed into bed and spooned up behind him. His body was soft on the outside, but hard as a rock underneath his silky skin. I hugged him like he was a teddy bear. “Suddenly my paranoia and anxiety are gone.”

“And I like it too,” he said. I kissed his neck gently and lovingly.

“I want you to know that if you go back into the Army, you do it with my blessing,” I said. I felt him tense up, making me think I’d fucked that up. Wouldn’t surprise me, the way things had been going. “I mean, you don’t need my blessing but you’ve got it.” I was taking a big chance on this. Will’s strategy was probably right, but I didn’t like it. I was basically saying words I didn’t mean hoping that my generosity of spirit would convince him to stay. If he left, I’d really be a mess, because I’d be mad that he left but at the same time I’d told him I was okay with it. I wasn’t sure how I’d handle that, and I wasn’t sure that we’d survive the stress of his redeployment with the Army. I was taking a huge gamble with what was probably the most important relationship in my life, and that scared the crap out of me.

“You don’t know how much that means to me,” he said. He moved back against me, bonding his body closer to mine, and getting a very obvious reaction from my groin. “Mmm,” he said, almost a purr.

I yawned, as I felt sleep attack me in a lightening strike. It had evaded my grasp, yet now it was here, demanding I yield to it. At the same time I felt his exquisite ass rubbing against my cock. In a few more seconds I’d be inside him. How I longed for that, I thought contentedly, then panic gripped me. I’d barebacked Danny, and I had no idea how safe I’d been with the dancer. Fuck. There was no telling what kind of evil infections coursed through my body, and the last thing I wanted to do was give them to him. “I can’t have sex with you,” I said, then passed out.

February 20, 2004

Santa Cruz, CA

Will

I heard some noises in the kitchen and that seemed to prompt my stomach to growl. I yawned and stretched, then got out of bed and pulled some sweatpants on over my morning wood, then slipped on a T-shirt. While I was trying to will my dick to go down, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Finally it deflated enough that I could pee, so with a quick comb of my messed up hair, I headed out into the main area.

“Morning,” I said to Tom, who was busy cooking in the kitchen.

“Thought everyone could use some food, and I know none of you can cook worth a shit,” he said.

“Very true,” I agreed, chuckling. I was about to continue our conversation when Jake came down, looking agitated and carrying his travel bag.

“Hey,” he said to me, and seemed surprised that I was even awake. If I was at a beach where I could surf, I got up early. I didn’t want to miss good waves. “I need to head back to the City.”

“Dude, we need you to help drive Stef, Grand, and Tom back to Escorial on your way,” I said, throwing a total wrench into his plans.

“I’m sure they can send for a car,” he said.

“They’ll be here shortly,” Tom said. “You can ask them.”

“Fine,” he said in frustration.

“I’ll be right back,” I said, giggling to myself as I went back to my room, got my car keys, and then went out and parked my Ferrari behind Jake’s Porsche. I was laughing by the time I turned off the engine. Shit, it worked for Dad, it would work for Jake. I got back to the kitchen to find Jake talking to Grand.

“I am sure if you feel the need to get back to the City, we can find alternate transportation home,” Grand said, which was so not how I needed him to handle this, but he was always so goddamn polite.

“That is most definitely true,” Stef chimed in.

“Thanks,” he said, and shot his best smile at both of them, and made to bolt for the door.

“Wait a minute,” I said, interrupting his escape. “Dad asked you last night if you’d stick around and talk to him. Now you’re leaving?”

“He can call me when he wakes up,” Jake said. I gave him a look that called him on his bullshit. No way a phone conversation would begin to solve their problems.

“You’re running away again,” I accused. “You do that so much, you sure you shouldn’t be joining the French army?” I saw Stef give me a dirty look, while Grand smiled, not because he bought into this shit about the French being pussies, but because Stef was annoyed.

“It is important to pick your battles,” Stef replied airily.

“Maybe we can see if Tom can cook up some Freedom toast for you,” I joked, making even more fun of the idiotic congressional republicans.

“I’m not running way,” Jake asserted.

“Dude, there is no way you can even deny it,” I said, shaking my head. “We’re all way smarter than that, and you’re not a very convincing liar.”

“You’re calling me a liar now?” he demanded, acting outraged.

I ignored him and looked at Stef. “He’s learning to fight like my father.”

“Thanks for everything,” Jake said, all but growling at me, then grabbed his bag and strutted toward the back door.

“Perhaps you should attempt to rouse your father and see if he can stop him?” Stef asked nervously.

“That won’t be necessary,” I said.

“Fuck!” we heard Jake yell from the garage. I had to bite my lip so I didn’t laugh out loud. He came strutting back into the kitchen. “Will, move your car.” Stef, Grand, and Tom all had to look away to avoid laughing.

“No,” I said. “You’d said you’d stick around, so you’re going to stick around.”

“Goddammit!” he shouted and looked like he wanted to hit someone, probably me.

“What’s wrong?” my father asked. I hadn’t even seen him walk into the room.

“Jake is trying to run away, but my car is in his way,” I said. Stef and Grand were unable to hide their emotions and actually chuckled.

“I thought you were going to stick around and talk to me?” Dad asked him.

“I just need to go,” Jake insisted.

“What happened to upset you?” Dad asked. He was being really caring and empathetic, reminding me that he used to treat Jake like that all the time.

“When you told me last night that you wouldn’t have sex with me,” Jake said. “I guess I thought there was a chance we could work things out, and you even told me it was alright with you if I went back into the Army. Right when I was riding that high, you told me you couldn’t have sex with me. And that just showed me that we’ll never get back to anywhere close to where we were.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Dad said, and was clearly flustered.

“Dude, even straight guys would have sex with Jake,” I said to throw in some levity. “What were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that I barebacked at least one guy, probably two, and both of those guys were high risk,” he said. “I didn’t want to give you some nasty disease.” Their dysfunction was beyond belief. So Dad had told Jake he didn’t want to have sex with him because he was worried he’d give him an STD, while Jake took that as a blatant rejection.

“Oh,” Jake said, and was totally embarrassed.

“This is fucking ridiculous. There is no hope for the two of you if you can’t even get basic communications down,” I said, shaking my head at them. “Christ.”

“I fell asleep before I could explain things,” Dad said. He pulled Jake to him and hugged him, then gave him a nice kiss. “Last night was the first night in a long time that I slept well and was actually content. Thank you for that.”

“I’m sorry,” Jake said, and buried his head in my father’s chest. “I am such an idiot.”

“You are,” I agreed. Dealing with the two of them was almost as bad as putting up with JJ and Susannah’s AbFab crap.

“I think that you are making these errors with each other because you are not communicating about the important things,” Grand said sagely. “Then when something that should be of no matter comes up, it is amplified into a major problem.”

“And what that means is that you should stick around for a while,” I said to Jake.

“Fine,” he said, pretending to reluctantly agree.

“Breakfast,” Tom said simply, announcing that there was food to eat. He’d made pancakes and eggs, and while there wasn’t more variety than that, he’d made a lot. It was a good thing, because between my father, Tom, Jake, and me, we devoured it.

“I have a solution to our car dilemma,” Grand said.

“Car dilemma?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said curtly. “I was thinking that we could drive Jake’s car back, and then either Will or Brad can drop Jake off to pick it up at Escorial when you leave Santa Cruz.”

“You’re assuming I’ll move my car for you,” I joked.

“I am confident you will decide that is the best decision,” Grand said icily.

“Perhaps,” I said, and winked at Stef, who was giggling. “Does that work for you?” I asked Jake. He looked a little nervous about that. “I’ll leave my keys on the counter here, and if you feel like a French soldier and need to run away, that gives you an option.” I took them out of my pocket and set them down just as I told him.

“That works,” he said, then looked at my father. “Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?” Dad asked.

“To get tested, both of us,” he said.

“Give me half an hour to get ready,” Dad said, grinning, and tore up the stairs.

As soon as he was gone, Jake turned his attention to Stef and Grand. “Thank you so much for helping us start to pull our heads out of our asses.”

“We are glad to help,” Stef said, and gave him a warm hug. “Bradley is usually a smart man, but there are certain triggers that will cause him to become unglued. If you love him, you will do your best to avoid them.”

“I do love him,” Jake insisted.

“Then you will do your best to avoid them,” Stef said with a smile.

“And thank you for pointing out the risks I might face with my time in the reserve,” Jake said to Grand. It was a little frustrating that he still sounded like he was committed to rejoining the army.

“I have perhaps been conditioned by our various conflicts such that I see phantoms everywhere,” Grand said smoothly. “I think this one is real enough.” He gave Jake a nice hug, which was pretty unusual for Grand. They went to make sure their stuff was packed up, while Tom turned into the pack mule and loaded bags into Jake’s Porsche.

And with all of them off doing whatever it was they were doing, suddenly I found myself alone in the great room with Jake. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch out for your father or take care of him as well as you do.”

“I think you will,” I said. “Besides, you let him fuck you. I can’t compete with that.” He chuckled. “Are you still going back into the Army?”

“You don’t think I should go,” he said, almost an accusation.

“I don’t,” I said. “You seemed happy. You seemed to be in a good place. You’re throwing that all away for something that, even when you get it, won’t really make things any better.”

“You just don’t understand this concept of honor,” he said.

“Just because I think your army worship doesn’t count as honor doesn’t mean I don’t get what that is. When I think of honor, I think of standing up for and beside the people I love. I think it means that I keep my word, and that I don’t try to hurt other people just to get my rocks off. And I think that it means that the people I love know they can count on me.”

“A commitment to what is right, and to a code of conduct,” Jake opined.

“And see, based on either one of our definitions, you going back into the Army is a dumb move,” I said.

“That’s something we’ll have to agree to disagree on,” he said, getting slightly bitchy.

“No matter how well you and Dad reconcile, assuming that you do, if you go away, when you come back things will be different,” I said. He made to argue but I stopped him. “You know I’m right.”

“Sometimes different can be better,” he said.

“Sometimes, but not this time,” I said. He started to argue with me, so I backed up a bit. “Alright, it’s possible, but in my opinion, which you can toss into the garbage can if you want, it won’t be that way this time.”

“Why not?” he asked, trying to figure out what I was saying.

“Because you will be in Mexico and despite your new rank and status, it’s going to be intense, dangerous, and probably pretty upsetting. So you’ll come back with a whole different attitude and perspective. Meanwhile Dad will be here doing his thing, and he’ll get used to not having you around. So when you two do finally get back together, you’ll be different people. And we’ve just seen how well you two do at communicating.” I stood there, staring at him, daring him to come up with plausible counter-arguments, but he didn’t.

“I’ll think about what you said,” he noted.

“Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve never really been able to be content with where you are. You are always trying to get somewhere else. And the problem with that is you never appreciate what you have, right now,” I said earnestly.

“You mean I should stop and smell the roses?” he asked, trimming my longwinded statement down to a simple line just like I usually did with Grand. I started laughing, because that was too funny, and so did he.

“That’s what I mean,” I said, and laughed with him some more. Tom came in and gave us odd looks for standing in the great room cracking up, which made me laugh even harder. I finally got my humor under control. “You pack everything up?”

“Everything I know about,” he said, a bit dazed, then got more pensive. “Not sure about driving over the mountains on the wrong side of the road.”

“You won’t have to,” I said. “Grand will drive.”

“It seems like that should be my job,” he objected.

“Don’t even argue with him about it,” I said. “He hates riding in the car when someone else is driving. The only way he can handle it if it’s a limo and he can zone out what’s going on.”

“Good to know,” he said, nodding.

“That’s how your father is,” Jake observed.

“Most definitely,” I agreed. I excused myself to go search for clinics online, and managed to get a name and address of one and return to the great room just as they were finishing up their goodbyes.

Dad came up to me and gave me a massive hug, one I returned whole-heartedly. “Thanks for saving me again.”

“You would do the same thing for me,” I said. Before this got too maudlin, I got task oriented. “Take my car since it’s blocking Jake’s Porsche and they’re leaving too. Here’s the name and address of a clinic downtown.”

“Thanks,” he said.

I walked them out to the garage and watched them drive off and let out a sigh of relief, then went back to my room to change clothes. The weather was a bit cool but was supposed to get up to 60 degrees. The winds were light, and it was overcast now but that was probably mostly fog. Within half an hour of them leaving, I was guiding my board through the surf and heading out to catch some waves.

I spent the morning in the ocean, having an absolute blast. The Pacific seemed to sense my mood and what I needed, so instead of being the bitch that it could be, it delivered. It gave me consistent waves that were fun but not too challenging, waves that soothed my psyche and grounded me. When I’d made the decision to go to Harvard, I hadn’t taken into consideration how vital being near the surf was. I was about to let that kill my buzz until I remembered that the Atlantic was right there, and if I wanted a warmer beach it was only a plane ride away.

As I enjoyed the waves, I was kind of surprised that my father hadn’t joined me. I guess he was either fighting with Jake or they were making up, and that would preoccupy him. I remembered what Darius had said about him, how when he was in a relationship it was the most important thing to him, his ultimate priority, and everyone else was pretty much an afterthought. I made a personal vow that I would not let that happen to me. I promised myself that the next time I was in an intense relationship, I would not neglect my friends and my family.

I looked at my watch and saw that it was noon, and that seemingly caused my stomach to growl. I caught a really good wave and it brought me almost to the shore, so I hauled my board through the breaking waves to the beach. I was pretty surprised to find Jake and my father there carrying a cooler. They were both wearing wetsuits and had surf boards with them. “Hey there!” Dad said exuberantly. There was no way he hadn’t gotten laid. “We brought food, then planned to hit the waves with you.”

I walked over to them. “I’m all over that.” We sat on the beach and ate sandwiches. “How did things go at the clinic?”

“We should have some results back today, others later,” Dad said. “They gave us both a shot of penicillin just in case.”

“So you’re not too worried about it,” I said, although it could have been a question.

“I could get all freaked out about HIV and worry that I’d caught it, but that won’t change anything,” Dad said philosophically.

“And even if he’s positive, we’ll work with it,” Jake said supportively.

I stared at them both intently. “Dude, you stuck your fist up his ass,” I said to my father. My father got embarrassed, while Jake laughed so hard, he fell back onto the sand.

“Damn right he did,” Jake finally said when he got himself under control.

“How are you doing with your withdrawal?” I asked Dad.

“I’m good,” he said, and was so convincing I believed him. “Let’s hit the waves.”

The conditions were the same in the afternoon as they’d been in the morning, only the sun came out and that seemed to make everything just that much cheerier. Jake was actually turning into a decent surfer, but he wasn’t even close to being in the same league as me or my father. But with the water in this mellow but still fun mode, it tended to level the playing field a bit so he didn’t feel excluded. The three of us were pretty tired, weary, and euphoric when we finally left the ocean and headed up to the house, all of us focused on dinner.