I Hate This Town - 31. Chapter 31: Grieve

Alec stood in the doorway. He didn’t know what to do. A gentle hand on the small of his back drove his attention away from the focal point of the room. He looked over at Finn, confused and a little dazed. The fingers resting on the small of his back pushed softly. Alec nodded and stumbled forward. Luckily, Finn was far more present than him. Hands righted him and the blond guided him to the front of the room. They passed River and his mother. His friend was grimacing, his slim-fit suit looked strange on him. It looked fantastic, of course. Everything River wore looked good. He’d never seen his pink hair styled so rigidly and his shoulders so low.

Next, was Milo and Nina. Grace was in Nina’s arms, head on her shoulder, asleep. Milo smiled weakly and Nina gave a small wave. They looked nice too. Even Gracie was wearing a ruffly black dress. Finn’s parents sat in front of Milo and Nina. Maisie reached out, grasping Alec’s hand and squeezing.

“It’s going to be okay baby. You’re going to be alright.” Alec looked away as she started to get emotional. He couldn’t handle it. If someone broke down, Alec wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep it together.

“Do you want to go up? Your father’s been standing up there for a long time.”

Alec looked up at Finn and his focus narrowed in on the blond. His hair wasn’t spiked up messily for once. With his expression so serious, he was a different kind of handsome than normal. His own black suit fit him perfectly and part of Alec’s brain appreciated it immensely. That part was overshadowed by the strange swirl of emotions that’d refused to release him from their grip since they’d left his father’s house that day.

The day his mother died.

It wasn’t some great tragedy. There were hardly any people who had shown up to pay respects. The schedule had been moved up because of it. There was no need to leave a large gap of time for visitors when there weren’t any. Alec stared at the casket at the front of the room. It was nice. He’d seen the price but the numbers hadn’t made much sense to him. Nothing made sense right now. So Alec just kept writing checks. That’s what led them to this room where the chairs circled the wooden casket. It gleamed under the yellow-toned room lights.

It was nice. Everyone had told him so. The service was beautiful. The coffin was as well. His father appreciated the plot with headstone and the fact that Alec was footing the bill. Alec had done her proud. The oblivious statements were from the few people who had attended from her church. Finn’s family just kept telling him he’d be okay. That he’d done amazing and he was being so strong. Or they’d ask him if he was okay. He hated that the most. He wasn’t okay. Shouldn’t that be obvious? Maybe they thought it wouldn’t bother him because they weren’t close?

Alternatively, Finn kept looking at him like he might shatter at any moment. He was doing it now. Big brown eyes filled with worry as he watched every move Alec made. It irritated him. He was an adult. He could keep it together. Alec stepped away from Finn and walked to where Henry stood. He’d seen her. Of course he had, but that didn’t mean Alec was eager to look into the white satin. He didn’t need to see the pale blue dress that he’d fished out of her closet. She’d stated it was the one she was to be buried in. She’d planned most of it herself. Alec was just the checkbook. How did she think Henry would afford it all?

Chances were the man was going to have to sell the house. He worked in an office. Alec didn’t even know what he did there. Besides barely make enough money to get by. Henry had never been ambitious. He’d never been promoted, never climbed that cooperate ladder. Alec’s secretary probably made more than he did. It was sad. The whole thing.

His father had nothing. His wife was gone, his house soon would be, and Alec wasn’t sure the man had ever really had a strong will to live. He glanced towards his father. He had Henry’s eyes and build. The rest was all Mae. If Alec left now, never looking back, what would the man do?

He looked behind him. Everyone who was here…they were here for Alec. Not Mae. Sure she’d had a handful of people pay their respects, but Alec couldn’t get over how sad both his parents’ lives were. Few friends, an unhappy marriage, an estranged son, and a life that had mostly been filled with anger and hurt. There was no way his mother was happy. When she was little, this hadn’t been the end she imagined. If kids thought about that. Hell, when he was little it probably wasn’t what she expected. He didn’t think that when she held him for the first time, she imagined there’d be nothing but pain between them.

Did she ever think about it? Did she think about him and wish things had been different? Alec used to fantasize about it. He’d come home and they’d have some dramatic reconciliation. They’d hug and cry. Everything would be okay. They’d catch up on all the time they missed. They’d be a family again. A happy one. Something they hadn’t been for a very long time. If he was honest with himself, he’d still hoped for it on his way home. Alec had even held out hope after the first time he’d seen her in the hospital. Maybe through some miracle it could still happen?

He'd been fooling himself. Spinning a narrative, creating a fantasy, that would make him feel better. He’d never completely gotten over everything that’d happened when he lived with her. He slid into the seat meant for him. Nearest where his mother’s body was. That’s all it was now, right? She was gone. With her, any hope Alec may have squirrelled away in the deepest, most secret recesses of his mind. Despite himself, he was still a child who wanted his mother’s approval. Her love. He’d been grasping at it his whole life. He was successful to spite her. He made it on his own because she said he wouldn’t last a day. He stood by his sexuality even though it’s what drove them apart to begin with. Even so, on his loneliest nights when the lows were lower than normal, he’d think of her.

There was nothing left. He’d never get to feel like he made her proud. He’d never see her smile at him again. There were a lot of things Alec had missed out on. He hadn’t realized it until he’d been with Finn. He watched the things the other man didn’t even notice with rapt attention. Milo teasing Finn but being the first to defend him. Finn’s mother running fingers through his hair when they’d been studying. All the pictures on Finn’s walls. Everything made Alec painfully aware of how bad things were.

Now, though, it was just…done. It was over. She was gone and Alec didn’t know how to feel about it. It should hurt, right? He should be sad. No matter what’d happened between them, it was still his mother. She’d given him life. She’d brought him into the world and taught him all the basics of existing. This should be hard for him, but he was struggling to feel…really anything.

So he sat. Henry sat next to him. The day dragged on and Alec was mentally present for very little of it. Finn kept trying to take him away for “breaks”. He didn’t know why. He was fine. As long as he stared at the floor or the too-shiny tops of his shoes, he’d be alright. When they left the funeral home, he stared out the car window. When they got to the cemetery, he focused on Finn’s hand in his. Finally, when they began putting her in the ground, Alec stared up at the sky.

It was a beautiful day.

For the second time that day, he found himself in a doorway. Finn’s this time. The other man was putting Herky outside. Alec thought anyway. He wasn’t sure. He’d shut down as soon as he’d stepped inside. Movement should’ve caught his attention but his eyes were on his shoes again. Blond filled his vision and then hands took his into bigger ones. Alec heard Finn sigh and he looked up at him.

“Are you okay?” Finn was frowning, but his eyes were so full of love and understanding that it did it. The dam broke and Alec blinked in surprise as tears fell onto their hands from his face.

It got worse fast. He was shaking with the sobs after realizing the tears were from him. He couldn’t stop and everything was blurred. He tried to free his hands to hold them to his face, but Finn stopped him. He was tugged forward and held. Alec’s hands were trapped between them and Finn was holding a little too tight, but he didn’t care. He cried for what seemed like hours.

He hadn’t wanted to admit it to himself. How much the woman had meant to him. He had loved her despite everything that had transpired and now she was gone. She wasn’t a part of the world anymore and Alec didn’t know how to cope. He didn’t know how to put his anger and sadness to bed. He’d held onto them for so long and now he was scared to be without them. They were like old friends, like River, they’d gotten him through his worst moments.

Alec took a gasping breath and gripped Finn’s shirt as he shook his head. No, no. That wasn’t true. Alec had gotten through everything. He’d done it. The credit shouldn’t be given to his trauma. It’d grown inside him, sharp edges tearing at his very sanity. He’d never allowed himself to get rid of it and that’s why he’d never had a serious relationship. It was why most of his friends were kept away. Alec hid behind his walls. He’d stood in his own way more than Mae ever had. She’d been absent from his entire adult life. When was she going to stop being his go-to excuse? His crutch? Or maybe now he’d switch to his dad?

No. He was done. He was so tired of keeping every unpleasant emotion at bay. He needed to deal with them. He’d worked through so much, and his doctor had helped every step of the way. Until this trip, though, could he say he’d been one hundred percent honest with them? He’d held back.

It was time to let go. Otherwise, he’d be stuck in this weird limbo. Torn between who he’d convinced himself he was and the real him. There was nothing wrong with the real Alec. He was successful. He had people who loved him. He had River and Finn. He shook his head again and let his face rest against Finn’s neck. Closing his eyes, he inhaled, circling his arms around Finn’s shoulders.

“Jump.” Alec shifted and did as told.

Finn caught him, hoisting him higher and Alec held on with a death grip. He faintly registered that they were moving. His back met soft blankets and he felt the bed shift as Finn laid next to him. A thumb wiped away his tears and Alec let his head fall to the side, opening his eyes to look at Finn. He gave a small smile and Alec rolled more onto his side, bringing his legs up between them. He felt gross. He was covered in tears and snot. To his absolute horror, so was Finn’s dress shirt and jacket.

“I’m sorry.” He hiccupped softly and scowled.

“For what?” Finn asked softly.

“Getting snot and stuff all over you.” Alec’s breaths rattled around in his chest and his voice was hoarse.

“I think I’ve proven I’m not scared of your bodily fluids. Have a little faith in me.” Finn leaned forward, resting his forehead against Alec’s. Alec managed a smile and let his eyes slip closed again. Everything compounded and he was gone.

He woke up to sounds he couldn’t quite place. He sat up slowly. His whole body ached. His face had been wiped clean though. He must’ve really been out of it if Finn had managed that while he was sleeping. He rolled over, not at all surprised when he saw his phone on the bedside table. Plugged into the charger. He dragged it to him with his fingertips, tapping the screen to check the time. It was already nine at night. He ignored the messages and missed calls. He didn’t care about them right now.

Instead, he was suddenly aware of how hot and sweaty he was in his suit. He stripped off his jacket, letting it fall to the floor. Next, he struggled with the buttons of his shirt. He wasn’t all the way awake and he didn’t think his fingers were either. He finally managed to get it off and unbuckled his belt before kicking his pants off with probably more violence than was necessary. He rifled through Finn’s drawers, finding an old, paint-stained shirt. It was too big for him, but Alec decided it was perfect.

He breathed a sigh of relief and glanced to the door. Light was spilling in from the bottom and Alec placed the noises he’d heard earlier. The television. Yawning, he opened the door and was almost knocked on his ass by a very eager Herky. He smiled and scratched behind his ears before running his hands over his smooth coat. Herky’s paws were on his shoulders again and he laughed softly when he heard Finn yell at the dog.

“You’re not supposed to jump! We talked about this!” Finn let out a long sigh, hauling the dog away from Alec. His eyes flicked over Alec’s outfit change, but the blond didn’t mention it, “Go eat, you ridiculous beast!”

Herky looked at Finn, pouted as much as a dog could, then ambled away. Alec was smiling. It felt strange. He’d been so upset earlier. He was downright hysterical. He was a bit mortified, but he mentally shook it off. If you weren’t allowed to be upset on the day of your mother’s funeral, when were you?

“Feeling better?” Finn asked, head tilted to the side.

Alec smiled. The ears would be flat on his head. The tail would be wagging ever so slowly. As if Finn was prepared to be happy but was subduing himself. A puppy. A happy puppy. Alec smiled a bit more and took a step forward. He looped his arms around Finn’s waist and rested his cheek against his chest. Arms came around him right away and fingers combed through his hair.

“I feel a little better.”

“Good. I was a little freaked out. For a second there, I didn’t think you’d ever stop crying. It sucked. I couldn’t get you to stop.” Finn’s voice was quiet, soothing almost.

“I didn’t think I would stop either. I didn’t even know you were trying to comfort me. I was so out of it.” Alec sighed.

“You needed it. You were out of it all day. Your expression almost never changed. It was kinda freaky.” Finn chuckled.

“Sorry.”

“Why? It was a hard day. I can’t believe you handled everything the way you did. I’d be a mess.” Finn nuzzled his neck gently, “Are you hungry?”

Alec shook his head and tilted his head to the side to give Finn better access. He was rewarded with kisses and he hummed softly as hands caressed up and down his back. He could hear Herky destroying his kibble in the other room. Finn leaned back and Alec opened his eyes. A hand cupped his cheek gently and lips pressed to his slowly. Alec let his hands creep up Finn’s back and he gripped the blond’s shoulders, trying to deepen the kiss. Finn broke it instead and his lips pressed to Alec’s forehead. Pouting, Alec kissed him again, winding his arms around to pull Finn down more.

“Alec,” Finn pulled almost completely away, thumb brushing over his cheekbone, “I’ll order you something to eat. Otherwise, we’ll have to grill again.”

Alec sighed and snuggled up against the taller man, “I’m not hungry.”

Finn nodded and Alec’s nose scrunched when his feet left the ground. Finn carried him across the room and sat on the couch, arranging Alec to sit on his lap. He let his head rest on the other man’s shoulder and they sat in silence for a few minutes. The He closed his eyes as Finn’s fingers stroked the skin above his hip.

“Can I ask you something?” He mumbled, looking up at the other man.

“Course. What’s up?” Finn smiled and kissed the tip of his nose.

“If I move back or whatever, are we going to be together?” He played with the edge of his sleeve and couldn’t make himself look up at the blond.

“Are we not together now?”

“Oh.” Alec blinked, raising his head and failing to hide the surprise from his face, “Then why were you catching yourself from calling me pet names in front of other people?”

“Uh, your mom passed away and you were going through a lot. Plus, River exists and he’s…River. I knew he’d lose his absolute mind and that’d be his main focus.”

He found himself smiling at the thought of it. Finn was painfully correct. If you gave River an inch, the pink-haired gremlin would take a mile. Many miles. It was sweet that Finn was so considerate. Alec honestly hadn’t even thought of how River would react. He loved his friend, but he wasn’t sure if he could’ve handled a River-interrogation. But wait-he was getting distracted.

He shifted to straddle Finn’s lap, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck as he looked down at him, “So, we’re together?”

“Mm hell yeah. You’re stuck with me now. I’m gonna cling to your back like a weird, large barnacle.” Finn grinned.

“You’re way cuter than that. Like an overly clingy koala.” Alec giggled.

“Hah. You’ll never be free of me now.” Finn pulled him closer and Alec rested his head on top of the other man’s. Lips dragged gently over his neck as Finn spoke, “When are you moving back?”

“I don’t know for sure. I have to go back and get everything in order.”

“No, don’t leave me!” Finn whined.

“I’ll be back. I promise.” Alec smiled, kissing Finn’s pout.

“I’m coming with then.” Finn pouted even more.

“You don’t have to. What about the gym and bakery?” Alec frowned.

“Are you kidding? If it gets your cute ass here faster, my family will make all kinds of adjustments.”

Alec rolled his eyes and leaned down for a real kiss, “We’ll see.”