Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 20. Entry 20

Monday

I knew things were going too well! I just knew it!

Here I am on the verge of getting something serious started with Billy and school has to come knocking! I think the teachers had a meeting over the weekend and all decided to make this coming week the week from Hell for Brandon!

I swear I got projects from every class! An English paper, an art project, a super hard trig problem to solve, a paper for History, a science project needing a partner…we have them all this week and they are all due at the same damned time! Hell, I even have a ‘fitness test’ I have to do in gym where you have to do pull-ups, sit-ups, push-ups, and run for a certain amount of time! I will hardly have time to eat or sleep much less do anything with Billy! This feels like punishment for my sins from Saturday night dreaming the dirty dream I did!

I think for science I’ll partner up with Stevie. We share the same class. At least we work well together so long as we don’t goof off too much. That project might actually be fun since we are being promised ‘a magic trick’ by the end of whatever it is we’re doing. Something about superconductors or something weird like that. We have to play with magnets and learn to explain why they work or whatever. Something about polarity and electrons going in certain directions or something. All I know is that there’s a lot of math involved and I don’t mind that, but science math is very strange! I don’t know if I get it as well as ‘real’ math. You can’t just play around with numbers till something works. You have to actually know what you are doing! You have to measure things and make sure that what you are measuring makes sense with something else you’re measuring and then you measure some more until your measurer is sore!

Anyway, I’ve got that to look forward to if looking forward to something like that isn’t as insane as it sounds.

It’s my English paper I’m truly worried about! It’s about Shakespeare and, I’ll tell you what, I have NO clue as to what anyone is saying in these plays! When you read a sentence you have to read it at least twenty times to actually understand what a character is trying to say…maybe! I don’t get it! Why do we have to read a style of English that hasn’t been used in hundreds of years? It’s like people used to talk backwards and sideways back in those days! Actually, it’s worse, because Shakespeare wrote all his plays like poetry so if something can be said in such a way as it can make sense, he had to screw with it to make it rhyme so that no one can understand it! I don’t know how I’m going to pull this paper off since I’m supposed to comment on the meanings of things in Hamlet. I can’t understand what I’m reading so how am I going to comment on anything? Shoot me now!

Ok, I’ll stop bitching about school now. I promise.

I didn’t see Bobby today. I wonder how he is doing. The last I saw of him he was very upset with being picked on somehow. He wouldn’t tell me any details so I don’t know what’s going on really. I don’t know why I care that much either. Maybe it’s simple human compassion. I feel the same way about Jimmy! Why do certain guys think they have the right to hurt other guys they think are ‘beneath’ them? Is it some kind of domination game I’m not getting? Do I lack enough testosterone to understand this crap? I just don’t get it. People are people so why do some feel they have the right to treat others so awfully? I don’t understand and I guess I’m lucky that I’ll never understand…

As per usual, the absolute highlight of my day was having lunch with Billy!

I’ll admit to having been uber awkward with him today. I hope I didn’t make him too uncomfortable but, I swear that all through our time together all I could think of was that dream I had Saturday night! It won’t leave my mind and that’s real strange for a dream. Usually, I’ll forget them, but not this one!

We made small chit-chat at first and it was during this bit that I was mentally stripping Billy bare naked in my mind! I got very hard sitting there and I worried I’d be showing too much once I had to stand up! It didn’t help that there was something about the way Billy was looking at me that made the butterflies take flight behind my belly button. It was strange, nerve wracking, yet wonderful all at once. His eyes never left mine except when I’d get too nervous and had to look away.

I felt like I was the one that was naked, standing bare in the bright sunshine for him to see! It was embarrassing yet warm and tingly all over too! I felt vulnerable…exposed somehow! I liked that feeling and yet it scared me too. I was so close to opening up totally to Billy today. The pressure to Come Out to him is getting stronger every time I meet him. In a way, that feels dangerous because the part of me that still isn’t sure about any of this screams so loud in my mind sometimes. When I do finally let it go and let him in, there will be no turning back! My life, for better or worse, will be changed forever after that.

That’s a big risk! But, as Chandler has said, nothing of value can be gained in this world without a little risk. What I want with Billy is no small thing. I suppose, the size of the risk is balanced against the size of the thing that it is worth. Billy is worth so much!

But, where do I get the courage?

Well, I don’t think that courage was quite with me today. It took nearly half our lunch period for us to really…get anywhere. I could tell Billy was nervous about the time because he kept checking the clock over my shoulder. It was like he was on a timer or something. It made me feel a bit pressured, to be honest. Finally, he looked me deep in my eyes and gave me an uncertain smile. His cheeks were flushed just like they’d been in my dream. I’d gotten the color of his blush just right! But, its reality was so much more beautiful! He, looked away for a second and then back at me and said, “I thought about you yesterday.”

He said it with such softness. He had a quiet longing to his voice. His thoughts…what could they’ve been? Had they been like my thoughts? Had he had a dream about me while I had been dreaming about him? Was it that kind of dream? To think, we could have been having the same dream Saturday night! Something psychic! Something magic!

These questions and crazy thoughts bubbled up in me as I asked him with the same kind of breathlessness, “Really? I… ‘thought’ about you too.”

He was quiet for a second and I could tell he was struggling with something because he was starting to breathe a little harder. He then said, “I just didn't wanna call, because I didn't want to seem like I was being...well...I didn't wanna freak you out. You know?”

I felt the butterflies start flapping harder in my tummy and my own breathing became faster as I replied, “You wouldn't freak me out. I like it when you call.” Like? Like wasn’t the word. Love is a much better word! I love it when he calls me! How could Billy think anything else?

I knew I was going to kiss him. I felt myself being dragged across the table toward him! I needed to taste his lips! I needed to make that dream come true! It had been more than a dream…it had been my future! I felt my heart pound so hard in my chest that I was sure that it would burst! That part hadn’t been in my dream! I got an excited rush that went all through me! It wasn’t even sexual…it was just a need to have contact with the one I love!

The world started to drift away from around me and all I could see was Billy’s beautiful and expectant face! I saw, especially, his rose-pink lips that were so bow shaped and perfect! I wanted them! I needed them! Right then! Right at that second!

But, I heard a giggle from somewhere around me and it knocked me back into reality. I found myself feeling embarrassed and exposed, but not in a good way this time! Had anyone picked up on what was going on between Billy and me? Was someone laughing at the two Queers about ready to kiss? Would the rumors start echoing down the halls like they’ve been doing with Bobby Jinette? I suddenly felt so self-conscious and so shocked about what I almost did right in front of everybody that I started to look around to be sure we hadn’t been ‘caught’. Just for the record, no one was paying us any attention.

“Billy…? I feel...um...I mean...“, but the moment had passed and my courage had gone. That one giggle, that was probably not even meant for us, had undone me. I just couldn’t do this there in the cafeteria in front of everybody. I couldn’t tell Billy how much I love him and how crazy he makes me. I couldn’t tell him that I dreamt of he and I being together and in the most intimate way possible! I couldn’t even tell him that I ‘like’ him again. I couldn’t let that moment come. Not there where it would have been totally unsafe to be so exposed.

Then the bell rang actually saving both Billy and me from myself. “...I've gotta go, ok?” was all I could say.

Billy didn’t want to let go, though. He could feel something had connected between us. Something strong. “Don't go,” he begged me.

“I'm sorry. I'll...we'll talk some more later.” I told him as I tried to make my escape.

Billy stood and had this desperate look that hurt me to see, “Do you wanna hang out today after school? Can you come over? I wanna...I wanna talk to you, ok?” He was trying everything to keep me from going and to keep this connection alive! What had I done? I should have just ditched class and spent it with Billy today!

But, I couldn’t. I had to go to class and I had to get away from Billy before I totally lost control. Also…there was that goddamn English paper I had to do! Blast it, I hate Shakespeare!

“I've got to finish my English paper by Wednesday, and I haven't even started it yet.” I told Billy the truth. I have responsibilities and I have to keep them.

“How about Wednesday then? Please?“ Billy wasn’t going to let me go that easily and I loved him all the more for it. But…”Maybe” was the best I could do for him.

The fact is that I’ve got no time for any of this. I’ve got to get these stupid projects done or I’ll lose my grades. I have to keep them up. My Dad will kill me if I don’t! Billy wouldn’t want that, I’m sure.

So, we reluctantly parted ways.

I really hope I can keep to my ‘maybe’ for Wednesday, but I’m not sure. There’s so much I have to do this week and missing out on Billy is just going to make it all the harder for me to get through it all. I really can’t afford distractions right now, but which is distracting me from what? Is school distracting me from gaining my true heart’s desire in becoming Billy’s boyfriend or is Billy distracting me from doing well in school and pleasing my Dad and securing my ‘future’?

This is Brandon between a rock and a hard place!