Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 42. Entry 42

Friday

Well…I guess I’ve made my decision.

I’m sorry Billy…

He finally said the words…the Three Little Words right to my face today on the front lawn at school.

I’d noticed he was acting particularly nervous today when we first met at lunch. He asked if we could go outside on the lawn to finish lunch. So we went. He lead us to a nice spot that was quiet, but not too quiet. I knew something must be up because he was breathing hard and had this permanent blush on his cheeks.

When we sat down I could tell he was getting more nervous by the minute because he was rattling on about everything and nothing all at once. He does that when he’s nervous. He’s adorable that way…but, whatever.

His being nervous made me nervous too because I knew something was about to happen, but, like I’ve said…I just don’t know how to handle it! After yesterday…I could only wonder what more Billy had in store for me. I didn’t have to wait long.

“Brandon...I've gotta tell you something. And I have to do it now, before you go.” Billy said with a kind of urgency I’d never seen in him before.

I braced myself for it, but I faked confusion so as not to give away that I pretty much knew what was coming.

Where I thought I’d be breathless in anticipation waiting for Billy to say the words I couldn’t say, I instead DREADED hearing them! I felt a strange fear grip me that, at last, he’d force me to choose who I was going to be! Gay and his boyfriend or…not, which would mean I’d have to say goodbye to Billy forever and always deny the feelings I have for this beautiful boy.

Then another twisted thought came into my mind which REALLY made me question what was about to happen! What if Billy was setting me up? What if this was some joke he was playing to get me to Out myself? What if this whole time Billy had been being nice and cute and irresistible just to expose me!

What if he was one of the enemies I feared finding out about me so that he could hurt me?

It was a doubt I didn’t even want to think about, but once the idea had gotten into my head I couldn’t get it out! Could I really trust Billy with my heart…or would he crush it just for a stupid prank?

For that matter, why would a boy as beautiful and wonderful as Billy Chase ever want to have anything to do with a stupid, confused, messed up kid like me? How could this be anything other than just a joke to him?

Then, with a deep sigh with his beautiful eyes looking at my shoes, he said the words: “Brandon.....I.....I love you.”

So there it was. No whispered words said in bed in our socks that I could brush off as being just something I thought I’d heard. No beating around the bush about ‘liking me a lot’. None of that ‘I’m always thinking about you’ stuff. Billy spoke the real words! I…Love…You!

But, was it just a lie? If it wasn’t, then what was I supposed to do about it? Was it time for me to come clean and confess that I love Billy too? That I have ever since I first laid eyes on him months ago?

So, I tested it. The bubbly feeling that he might actually be telling me the truth allowed me to giggle at him despite how serious this was, but then I told him to “Shut up”!

But, he said in the most sincere way possible, “No. Brandon....I'm serious. I really love you. I love everything about you. I just...you're beautiful to me!”

He thought I was beautiful? How could he think that? I’m NOT beautiful! I’m not even close! Warning lights started to flash in my head!

I panicked! This was the moment of truth! Billy had brought it right to my doorstep! Today! I had to choose what way to go! Right then!

But, could I believe him? Not with the ‘beautiful’ comment! Wasn’t that going a little too far?

But, could he really have meant it? Does he REALLY think I’m beautiful? Could I only hope that this was for real?

I became dizzy with all the questions and doubts suddenly running through my head at that moment! I found myself squirming inside and I just blurted out “Whatever. You're....you're weird.”

Oh my God! Why did I say that? I don’t think Billy is ‘weird’! I just didn’t know what to say and THAT came out! What is wrong with me?

Billy pressed the issue though. He kept at it, saying he really truly wanted me! He loved me and he wasn’t lying! He looked so earnest and passionate about it! How could anyone act that well just for a joke?

I should have told him I loved him today. I should be flying to San Diego on my own cotton candy clouds. But, ultimately I felt all my courage disappear. He had opened the door, but I was too scared to go through it.

“Billy…” I said weakly. I wanted him to stop. I just couldn’t go through with this today. But…

“Please don't think I'm fooling around. I mean it. Ok? I love you. I think about you. I don't care if you love me back or not, I just...I want you to know how I feel. And I want you to know that it's real.” Billy, said almost near tears.

“I think....I think I should go. I shouldn't....be out here right now.” I said. All I could think about was running away at that point. All my feelings were just short circuiting and I couldn’t deal with it anymore.

He kept on trying desperately to convince me, but I just got up and left. I was numb! I didn’t know what to do! I couldn’t even look at Billy any longer.

I suck for that. I suck big time.

I fucked this up just like I was afraid I would and now…there’s no way I can ever put it straight. There’s no time.

I’m leaving tonight to be over a thousand miles away from Billy. I will never be able to live this down and I’ll never get a chance to make this up to him.

I threw it all away! Everything I’ve been dreaming about since that first day I saw Billy at the mall. All because I’m afraid and I’ll always be afraid. I’ll never get the courage to come Out!

So, I’ve made my choice. I’ll not be Gay. I’ll become something else and I’ll live like this…for the rest of my life.

This is Brandon walking away…