Interesting Moral Question....

[TetRefine]

So an interesting moral question was posed to me by a friend last week and its really gotten me thinking. I have a feeling this question will polarize people to one side or the other, but is it maybe not quite as black and white as we think? Anyway, the question was....Would you sleep with another guy/girl if you knew they were in a relationship and their significant other did not know? In other words, would you participate in someone else's cheating? Is it your moral/ethical obligation not to participate if you know? or does the responsibility rest squarely on the cheating person's shoulders not to in the first place? If it wasn't you, wouldn't it just be someone else? Shouldn't you just selfishly enjoy it while you have the chance? Or is it plain wrong to be a home-wrecker?

 

Any thoughts?

[Ashi]

To me, it's is plain wrong to be a home-wrecker. Though I must admit it isn't as clear cut as that. There will be time something leads one thing then another.... Maybe the guy/girl in the relationship didn't tell you of the previous engagement (then it'll be his/her fault). And after s/he told you (or you found it out) and you continue to go on, then it's your fault. Doesn't mean the relationship won't continue on, but I think you and him/her will know for sure it isn't the right thing to do, but sometimes it's hard to get out. I would say don't even get into it. I've had a coworker in a relationship like that, and I always felt his love interest wasn't completely honest with him, and the poor guy was deceiving himself.... It's sad, it's messy, someone will get hurt, it's tragic, but it's very real. It can happen to anyone. I just hope it won't happen to me. If you have a choice, don't choose to be in one.

 

I think the matter of morality issue won't even come up if you were in it.... You'd be so blindly in love, it's sad to all other people who witness it....

Edited June 10, 2012 by Ashi

[rustle]

"A relationship born of betrayal is doomed from the outset."

 

Aside from that, I would not knowingly have sex with someone in an active relationship. There've been opportunities. Separated, divorcing, it doesn't matter. I want more than that for myself.

[Cia]

How far can you trust a cheater? I don't think you need love for every sexual encounter, though it does make it a hell of a lot better, but how good can sex be if you don't trust the other person? Sex is one of the most intimate connections we can make with another human being, marriage is another one. The type of person who betrays that level of trust isn't anyone I would want in my bed.

[W_L]

I respectfully ask that if this topic goes into the Soapbox, please delete this post immediately, as I get the feeling a can of worms might get opened with the answers.

 

What if the guy/girl you are cheating with is gay, but had tried to be the "good" family man?

 

That is something many the prior generation within the GLBT community is facing today; I can be free to be gay and live my life as I want to, but they are forced to choose between responsibility and what their hearts and biological chemistry truly wants and needs. In such a relationship, are you really the home-wrecker or are you the guy's savior?

 

I love watching movies where a supposedly straight guy is introduced to gay guy, who awakens him to his natural instincts. Is the gay guy a home wrecker, because he unlocked a door the "supposed" straight guy never looked into or was afraid to? I would say no.

 

I have very little interest in older guys, unless they have George Clooney aging ability However, I wouldn't condemn anyone for having an extra-marital affair if they truly don't have any love in that marriage and it is more a show for society to see than an actual real emotional bond between spouses.

 

If you hold a relationship together just based on responsibility, it is not the same as one formed by love. If responsibility is more important to the gay guy than his male partner, i.e. he has to think about kids and work, then it is his choice to give up on love for responsibility. You can step out of that closet, but the consequences of it is on you.

 

I think this issue is more than mere morality, but at its core is a question of whether responsibility or love is truly more important to human pairings.

Edited June 10, 2012 by W_L

[intune]

I'd have to say no. There are plenty of single people to hook up with, right? Why help someone cheat? Plus... karma.

[Graeme]

While I agree with the general consensus so far, that one should not help someone cheat, W.L's comment struck a nerve with me. I know personally what it's like to be gay but married to a woman, and the pressure that can place on the male. I'm lucky in that when I came out to my wife we managed to work through the issues, which relieved that pressure on me, but I still remember the temptation.

 

I'm not going to condemn those that sleep with someone in a relationship, because every case is unique, but I can't say I condone it, either. Put me on the fence for this issue I know that too many people are human....

[Scarab]

i think W_L's opinion best describes the sexual freedom or leniency that we all wish society gave us. I have to to agree with his post, at least in terms of the situation being a complex one

 

My personal thoughts are that anything a sexual encounter can do to clear someones mind or awaken a hidden compulsion, an open minded conversation and good communication can do as well... maybe even better.

at times we look for excuses to express our suppressed carnal side, which as i said before because of societal pressures we hardly can, not without feeling some sort of shame.

 

it's a hope, a hope that a small act of sexual weakness, on the cheater's part may open up their minds to you, or the experiences they could possible have with you in the future... well, i always say, hope is clutching in the darkness, and to me having sex with someone in a relationship is nothing short of grasping at straws. if not for some, just trying to dance with a taboo

[Michael9344]

In essence, you're asking if it's okay to cheat wit/on a friend?

Is it okay if a friend cheats on you with your significant other?

It's plain and outrightly wrong to cheat, talk more of on a friend/with a friend. It's not about seeing the picture in black and white, it's about seeing CHEATING as CHEATING - something that's morally wrong. I've never thought of cheating and it'd hurt me a lot if my significant other cheated on me, and it would hurt me even more if he did it with a friend.

Of course that's my view, but I sure wish that it's the same for everybody.

[Palantir]

I very much agree with W_L and Graeme on this one.

It's very easy to give a general frown but when it comes to specific situations the factors can be so complex and varied that the results could range from totally negative to resoundingly positive.

[Dark Princess]

I wouldn't help the guy cheat. I know what it feels like to be cheated on so no I wont. However if the person is with someone I HATE I might reconsider

[Michael9344]

I wouldn't help the guy cheat. I know what it feels like to be cheated on so no I wont. However if the person is with someone I HATE I might reconsider

 

Lol.

[PrivateTim]

I don't especially care about the cheater, nor his/her partner, I simply could not do it because I wouldn't be happy with myself, which means some where in there I care about the cheater and his/her partner, but not directly. It gets rather circular.

 

Morality is what you do when no one is watching.

[wildone]

W_L and Graeme both bring up excellent points.

 

The one thing I was thinking about is the simple fact that even today in society, gay relationships are keep somewhat secretive. Combine the fact that someone maybe hiding so far in the closet that they got married (enough with just that) to a woman and had kids, then things become really complicated.

 

We preach to come out when it is your time to come out so how do we condemn those who feel they are backed in a corner and can't do anything in the open? Not to say that coming out is more or less traumatic for a single 21 y/o guy than a married 45 y/o guy with 3 kids but I would say the consequences are maybe more compounded.

 

Personally me, no, I don't want to be a part of a relationship that I enable a cheater. Unfortunately reality shows me that maybe some empathy and understanding of those that do get in a cheating relationship may be in order from me instead of judgement.

 

So how is that for sitting on the fence

[thephoenix]

No. No. No.

 

If I had known beforehand, no. If he tells me later, that he has been hiding that from me, there is a serious breach of integrity on his part.

 

Integrity and trust are some the fundamental foundations of a strong relationship.

[Y_B]

There's a big discrepancy in this thread when it comes to what everyone is thinking of in terms of cheating and what it means to "get involved" because there are those of you who can clearly and easily separate any kind of emotional attachment from sex and see sex as just sex and those of you who will always in some small way need some personal investment in the mix to even consider anything. Everyone's interpretation of cheating is different.

[rustle]

There's a big discrepancy in this thread when it comes to what everyone is thinking of in terms of cheating and what it means to "get involved" because there are those of you who can clearly and easily separate any kind of emotional attachment from sex and see sex as just sex and those of you who will always in some small way need some personal investment in the mix to even consider anything. Everyone's interpretation of cheating is different.

 

Fair enough.

 

Point of clarification: I want neither myself nor another to shed any clothes or touch each other beyond a handshake or brief hug if either of us is currently in a relationship in which he or she is doing so with another, or can be presumed to be doing so with another, as in married, engaged, or either party believes it's a monogamous relationship.

 

Intellectual or emotional relationships are not cheating, in my opinion. No one person can be all things to his or her partner.

 

Being in the closet or out doesn't make any difference in my mind. If you have a woman or man at home, and you bring home an STD, it doesn't matter who you caught it from; it's still an STD in what was believed to be a monogamous relationship.

 

Having said that, if everybody knows, and everybody's ok with it, have fun. Knowingly having an open relationship isn't the same as hiding it from your partner.

 

Edit to add: If it's not me or mine, I try not to judge. That's not my responsibility, so I don't want the burden.

Edited June 10, 2012 by rustle

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Cripes, I must be morally bankrupt - or honest enough to tell the truth and not look like a schmuck, which I'm fairly certain I must be.

 

IF I understand the question correctly, would you hook up with someone who is cheating on their boyfriend/girlfriend and that person didn't know or give their okay for their significant other to be sleeping around - now answering just that - and leaving out all the other implications, like STD's, the future of this relationship, etc, yes I would and no I wouldn't feel like a home wrecker. This assumes I didn't pursue the person and convince them to do something like cheat on their spouse when they otherwise were not so inclined. I don't see me as having a responsibility to police my partner's morals.

 

Now if I were the one who got cheated on and I found the low life son of a bitch who slept with my husband - let's just say there would be twelve men going to the grave yard and only 11 would come back.

[Mikelaing74]

To me this is a black & white question. There's no way I would sleep with someone if I knew they were in a relationship and they were trying to do it behind their partners back. Besides the fact that I'm in a stable relationship myself, I have no desire to experience this for myself. Snuggle and I have an agreement that if we sleep with someone else, it has to be the pair of us and everyone involved has to agree.

[Mark92]

Answering the question, and nothing but the question. To me personally it's a NO all the way through. Even if that person was gay and married to a woman the answer would be no.

I could only have sex with someone I loved. And that is a forever more answer. It is a very personal thing.

[Canuk]

fascinating range of responses - (actually the range is limited, but the reasons for the response are widespread!)

for me, no, nope, never. even assuming I am not in a relationship at the point of time where the option is put to me, I have enough of my own bagage without assuming or being part of someone else's half resolved relationship issues. life is just too bloody short for that sort of drama.

 

I reread that response and realise how old I am - my response is that of an old(er) bloke - at 16 my answer would have been a lot simpler :

[Houdinii]

Okay, honest to my true form, I would have to say no. If, however I knew that the person was unhappy in a relationship, and would prefer to be with me, I would change my tune, find an alternate solution, and hope for the best.

[Former Member]

I think that depends on the situation:

 

If the someone activily tries to cheat on their partner with you, their relationship is already damaged and you should not worry about the consequences and enjoy the fun. However, if you are the one starting it, convincing the other to cheat (maybe even by the use of alcohol or drugs), I would say: leave it alone and look for someone else.

 

Tob

 

PS: Whatever you do: USE PROTECTION!

[Cyhort]

No. Never. I don't do casual sex outside of a comitted reationship so if I was gonna "hook up" with someone and I was single I'd only do it if I thought it might lead to a relationship. And I've done the "I'm with this person but I really wanna be with YOU so I'll just see you on the side until I break up with this guy I'm only pretending to love" thing and it always works out the same way: I end up being the guy the other person pretends to love at some point. So I'm done with that. But even if I did do the hook up sex thing, I'd still feel wrong about doing it with someone I knew was in a relationship. Being cheated on isn't fun. Plus, isn't the idea of casual sex to have no strings attached? Seems like possibly being the reason a couple breaks up is a lot of unnecessary strings.

[methodwriter85]

There's this gay couple I'd been hanging out with. In September, the younger half of the couple hit on me. I turned him down, because I wasn't comfortable with the idea of getting with someone who was in a relationship. I used to cruise, and one time I saw a trick walking down the street with his wife and kids. I turned him down, and that was that. Then in January, I was pretty hammered and hanging out with them again...the younger guy hit on me again, and this time I didn't turn him down. We made out in the basement and he performed oral on me. Although it wasn't real sex, I still felt pretty bad about it.