Tales of the Underground: Blinded - 38. My Name's Riley Walker

~~ PART II~~

| Riley |

When I think back on it all, when I take the time to truly look back on my life…well who the hell am I? I went from selling drugs and holding people at gun point to living happily ever after? Who the fuck am I to get happily ever after? Just because I saved one person I deserve a life time of happiness? What about all the wrong I’ve done? All the people I’ve hurt? What about the thoughts that keep haunting me? It’s been a month, and yet, they’re still here. What if they never leave? Maybe I won’t get happily ever after anyway…

“Hey!” I heard the familiar voice of my roommate call out from the doorway. “Mail’s here!” He threw a letter right at me. “It’s from Mr. Carter Williams again!” he teased, golden smile shinning as bright as ever. “Maybe one day you’ll tell me who he is!” I grabbed the letter from the foot of my bed and carefully looked at the return address. “Then again, I’m still waiting for you to properly introduce yourself!” I looked up and stared deeply into his crystal eyes. I’ve been forced into a room with this kid since I first arrived. Walter argued for a single, but they insisted that with PTSD as bad as mine it could be dangerous for me to be alone. He’s not a bad roommate by any means, it’s just, he can be, well…crazy. “Well alrighty then.” He dismissed with a shrug of his shoulders “One day you’ll talk to me, I mean after all what do you have? Three months left?” I shrugged my shoulders, and gently began to peel open the small envelop. “Oh don’t look so doom and gloom! I’ll probably be here for the next 6 months!” He slowly made his way to the foot of my bed and smiled even brighter. “We’ll make it through this together, I promise.” He nodded, before backing up and disappearing out the door.

“Eli, were you bugging Riley again?” I heard one of the nurses call out from the hallway.

“Nope!” he happily replied. “Just cheering him up!”

I heard the nurse chuckle, knowing how much our personalities conflict. I never would’ve figured I would find someone like him here. Sure he has bad days, like really bad days, but for the most part…well he’s the light in this dark hole. He arrived a couple of months before me, and while people have said he had a real rough start to it, well, he seems like he can overtake any challenge in here. Apparently he’s some type of alcoholic and drug addict, but he’s not like any addict I’ve ever met. To top it all off he had some big tragedy with his boyfriend or something, I don’t know, as much as he rambles that’s the one thing he’s never fully told me.

Still, having someone close to my age who’s almost always smiling staying with me…it’s nice. Even though I’ve never actually said a word to him, he still makes me feel like we’re close. He’s a lot like Carter in that way. On the good days, having someone like Carter this close reminds me just why I’m here. But on the bad days it makes me wonder why the hell I even deserve Carter in the first place.

It took me a few minutes, but I finally gained the strength to open the letter. He’s sent about three or four a week since I got here, and even though I haven’t sent one back, well it’s never seemed to discourage him.

“Hey Riley Walker,

It’s officially been a month since you left, and absolutely nothing has changed! I mean, besides the big gaping hole at our lunch table that no one but you can fill. Things just seem so blah without you here. It’s like the same old thing every damn day! It’s funny, they say you never know what you have until it gone, and even though I thought I knew what I had…well I guess I had it even better than I thought! I still love you as much as the day you left Riley, and I miss you more and more with every day that passes, but like I keep writing, I understand why you had to go, I understand you need time to heal, and I can’t wait until the day I get to see you again. Who knows, maybe this is the week you finally write back! Then again your parents tell me you barely speak whenever they visit, so I guess I shouldn’t take it personally. It’s just hard for me to imagine a silent Riley Walker! I’d love to know what’s going on in that head of yours, I’d love to know what you’re thinking, and maybe one day soon you’ll let me visit, and we can talk about it all. Until then I’ll just have to keep driving Aaron and Tak crazy. Tak really is a good kid. He’s not violent or rude, just active, like REALLY active! I’m pretty sure he climbs even more than you…”

I couldn’t help but feel goose bumps overtake my arms as I saw what looked like dried drops of water on the lower part of the page.

“Riley, just take care of yourself okay? No matter how dark things get I’ll always be here waiting for you. We’ll make it through this together, I promise. There are so many things I should’ve told you before you left. Like how every morning I would wake up excited just to see you, how your broken English always put a smile on my face, how watching you even do the simple things made my heart roar…I promise when you get back I won’t leave any words unsaid. I have no idea where you’re headed but, for better or worse, I’m walking this path with you. You’re mine Riley Walker…you’re mine.

I love you,

Carter Williams”

“You alright kid?” Eli asked, clearly seeing the emotion on my face as he walked back into the room. I gently moved my mouth before offering him the letter, finally giving him a look into my life. He cautiously took it from my hand before quickly reading it over. “So that’s who Carter Williams is?” he nodded, handing the letter back to me “Then why the long face?” I shrugged my shoulders and felt my eyes fall to the ground as Eli made his way over to his side of the room. “You’re worried you’re not good enough huh?” He gently smiled, as a caring tone entered his voice. “My boyfriend spent his whole last year tormenting himself with that idea. There were nights he practically begged me to break up with him.” I took a deep breath as I found my eyes slowly moving towards his “If Carter is anything like me, well I can promise you the idea that you’re not good enough has never even entered his brain. He’s sent you, what? Sixteen letters in your first month here? Most people are lucky to get three or four. Stop torturing yourself with some fake idea you came up with, and start working on yourself. Start actually talking in group, and to your counselors…” He stood up so he could get closer. “Being here doesn’t mean shit if you don’t actually try!”

“I am tryin!” I blurted, as words finally forced their way out of my mouth.

“So, he speaks.” Eli snickered, taking a closer look at me. “You’re not giving it your all, you’re scared, and rightfully so, but you have a life to live and people who care about you. It’s fucking hard, but you have to confront your past, and who you are.” I saw his eyes grow empty as he spoke. “You have to accept the things you’ve done.”

I sat there for a few seconds just thinking over his words until finally, Eli walked up to the side of my bed “My name’s Elijah Warren.” He boldly let out, extending his hand just like he had when we first met. “I’m addicted to alcohol, and prescription pills. I shot and killed my father and held my boyfriend as he bled out before my eyes. I spent the last year running from my demons, and doing anything I could to numb the pain, but now I’m here to face it all head on. I’m Elijah Warren. One day I’ll avenge the death of my boyfriend Jamie Free by making sure no one feels alone the way he did. I know who I am, do you?”

I stared at his hand, seeing a side of him I didn’t know existed. That first day, I didn’t shake back, I didn’t talk. Hell, I haven’t talked until just now. Maybe I didn’t know who I was. “I’m Riley Walker.” I forced out, reaching out and shaking his hand “I’m an ex-Chicago gang member. I’ve destroyed families, and small businesses. I held a whole part of the city hostage.” As the words escaped my lips I could feel my hand begin to tremble, but Eli did his best to hold it still. “I’ve stolen from people. I’ve tortured people. I’ve stabbed people. I’ve shot people. I’ve sold women.” I shook my head as I slowly confessed my sins “A few months ago I got a second chance, and I ignored everything I did like it was a different life, but now…”

“It’s all caught up to you.” Eli finished, saving me the pain of saying it.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “And even though I took down my old gang, I still have so much left to repay.” I slowly nodded my head and remembered all the different things loved ones have told me. How Carter always tells me he’ll love me no matter what. How my mom says that that underneath it all I’m an amazing person. How my grandpa told me that I’ll do great things with my life…that I’ll be a hero. “My name’s Riley Walker. One day I’ll rebuild the Chicago Southside. One day I’ll pay back my debt, and make sure no one falls prey to gangs the way I did.”

“Well Riley Walker,” Eli proudly smiled, “it’s nice to meet you…

…now let’s get to work.”