The Cockney Canuck - 19. Chapter 19 Keeping it Down

Monday saw a bright and sunny start to the last week of school before the spring break. It was the second week of March and the big thaw was well under way across southern Ontario. Most of the snow that had covered everything since the day that I arrived had very quickly disappeared, revealing grass, patio slabs, gravel and an asphalt driveway. I was seeing all these things for the first time and the house was beginning to look like the one in those summer photographs that I had seen. I was even able to see the outline of the swimming pool, protected by a giant stretched cover and because of this; we were now allowed to use the decking and the wooden stairs that led from it up to the ground floor balcony at the back of the house. The decking had been strictly off limits when covered in snow because of the pool. The temperature had been hovering just above freezing for over a week now and with any luck, I wouldn’t be seeing any more of the white stuff until next winter.

I sat next to Daniel, watching my favourite piece of eye candy board the bus, a daily routine that I never missed. He had his usual healthy glow and rosy cheeks as he made his way along the aisle to sit on the seat in front. He was still catching his breath as he nodded towards me, without breaking his radiant smile. He had had to run again to make the bus, something that he did almost every day. I never had to run for the bus, Nicola made sure that we were out of that door every school day, exactly on time, without fail. I envied this kid though, because he always seemed to be so happy, as if nothing in his world ever bothered him and nothing would ever be a problem. He looked as though he was my age but he wasn’t in any of my classes, which were a real shame because he was probably the best looking boy in the whole school and I would have liked to have had the opportunity to at least get to know him. Maybe that was a blessing, probably the last thing that I needed was any more temptation. Even so, what I wouldn’t have given to be able to wake up in bed with this boy just the once was nobody’s business.

I was left staring at the back of his smooth neck as he chatted away to the lucky girl who sat beside him. He was still breathing heavy from his exertion and he always looked so sexy when he was out of breath. In my imagination, we had just finished making love and I could almost feel the weight of his silky smooth body pressing down on me as we both gasped for air. We were hot, sweaty and sticky and I could feel him inside of me as he kissed my neck the way that Tom would always do after he had finished.

‘I really need to have sex with somebody soon. It’s been eight weeks since my last time with Tom and wanking just isn’t enough anymore’.

After tasting the forbidden fruit, it was difficult for me to go back to servicing myself and even with my fervid imagination, it was never going to be the same.

‘I swear, the first opportunity I get, I’m going for it, I don’t care who it is, male or female’.

I could feel Daniel nudging me.

‘Shit’!

We were outside the front of the school and I had an erection that was threatening to tear a hole in my pants. I stood up, turned away from Daniel and zipped up the front of my coat to conceal it until I reached my locker where I would have to either think of something else or make a complete fool of myself. Any hope I had of it returning to normal before then however, was dashed as I took my place in the line behind my dream boy. I was as close to him as I dared to get and I brushed against him several times as we inched our way down the aisle and off the bus. I had managed to get so close that I could even smell the shampoo that he had used on his soft blond hair that morning. It was still damp; he had obviously just jumped out of the shower, which was perhaps the reason why he nearly missed the bus.

The mental image that I conjured up of him in the shower would keep me hard until I reached my locker and saw Fran standing there waiting for me. She had something to ask me that for some reason couldn’t wait. Her parents owned a cottage in a place called Deer Lake, which was about 90 miles north of Cobourg near Algonquin Provincial Park and every Easter the whole family would go up there for the long weekend. It was something that they did every year, but this time her parents had extended the invitations to include me. Fran had already told me all about the cottage and how beautiful it was up there and she was excited that she had been allowed to take her new boyfriend with her. Although her parents would be there as well, we would be able to spend the whole four days together.

“That’s great Fran, but I’ll have to check with Don and Sue first in case they have something planned as well,” I said while I fumbled with the combination of my lock.

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” she said, “I thought that you might like to see a bit more of Canada than Cobourg that’s all.”

“I do, all I’m saying is I’ll have to check with them first,” I said, as I unzipped my coat, confident in the knowledge that the problem that I had on the bus was no longer an issue. Fran had unknowingly but worryingly solved it.

“You’ll love it up there Robbie,” she said. “It’s so peaceful and quiet and it’s right on a huge lake where you can go canoeing or even swimming, if it’s warm enough. Have you ever swum in a lake before?”

I didn’t answer her, I hadn't even heard the question; I was too busy staring at the neatly folded note on the floor of my locker. Once again, it had my name written across the outside and it was clearly visible from where we were standing.

“Robbie are you even listening to me?” said Fran.

“Of course I am,” I said as I quickly put my backpack on top of the note. Then bending down I picked the note up along with a folder for the first lesson. “You were telling me how beautiful it was up there.”

“Okay,” she said suspiciously, “just let me know as soon as possible.”

“I will,” I said. Then I casually put the note with my schoolwork into the folder, before hanging up my coat and walking around the corner to homeroom with her.

“Are there any bears up there?” I asked, as we walked into class.

“Sure,” she said, “you just have to know where to look.”

“I’m more concerned about them looking for me,” I said.

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you my baby,” she said mocking me in a baby type voice.

It didn’t bother me, I was only making small talk; my mind was elsewhere thinking of the note that I had just found. I knew that it was from him, even after getting only the briefest glimpse at the handwriting.

‘Maybe he’s going to do this every Monday until I agree to meet him’.

Once again, I began scanning the room looking at the boys to see if any of them were looking over at me. I had been doing this every day in homeroom for the past week and I was beginning to get a few strange looks back as they tried to work out why I was looking at them.

I knew that it would be agony for me to have to sit there in class with the note in my pocket, unable to read it. It would drive me mad. After homeroom, I would have to stay in that class for English before my science class with Rory, who was one of the main suspects. It was unlikely that I would get an opportunity to read this note properly until lunch, which started at eleven thirty.

‘There is no way that I’m going to be able to wait that long’.

I had an idea.

As soon as I reached the boys toilets, I ducked into the first cubicle and locked the door. I stood there for a few seconds; all I could hear was my own breathing and the steady drip of a leaking tap. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the note, which had been folded almost perfectly in half in the same way as the first one. The handwriting on the outside was not only the same, but it was also repeated on both sides, so it would be visible whichever way it landed in the locker. Whoever had done this had obviously put a lot of time and effort into it; it wasn’t just a scribbled note on the back of a piece of scrap paper.

I found it interesting that just like the first one it had been hand written. I couldn’t believe that there were any students at Stephenson, who didn’t have access to a computer and printer. I would bet that every one of them had their own setup at home, or at least a laptop. If I had to write a letter to someone, I wouldn’t have even contemplated writing it by hand, people just didn’t do handwriting anymore. It had to have been done on purpose, maybe to create a more personal touch, or maybe it was a way of letting me know that this wasn’t some kind of cheap prank or hoax. Nobody would go to all that trouble to play a joke on me; they would have just typed it out on a computer. There would have been less chance that way of me finding out who it was. Finally, I took a deep breath, unfolded it and began to read.

‘Hi Robbie,

I haven’t heard you or anyone else mention anything about my first letter, so I’m guessing that you’ve kept it quiet hoping that I would write to you again. Maybe I was right about you after all and you like boys too. If you do then I hope you like me as much as I like you, because it would be cool if we could do stuff together. I’ve watched you in the showers and I like you a lot. I would like to jerk you off and I’ll suck you if you want or anything else you want to do. I think you are the same as me, but probably too scared to say anything. I like you, I think that you are cute and the signals that you have given me, tell me that you would be interested too. I really hope that you want to take this further and have some fun. It doesn't have to be anything more than that and you can cut loose at anytime without any problems. I promise that no one will ever find out. Please say yes because I want to please you and I will be back in touch with a plan for us to meet up soon.

Boy X’.

I stood there long after I had finished reading it, trying to digest the contents. This was now more than a simple love letter from a closeted gay boy with a crush on me, it was leading somewhere. Somebody that I knew, a boy my age, who was in my homeroom, liked me in the way that I liked the boy on the bus and Nathan. It was unimaginable that this could be true and he wanted to jerk me off and would give me a blowjob or anything else that I wanted. My hands were shaking with excitement as I folded it and put it back into my pocket. I was hot, sweating, blushing, but worst of all; I was hard again and without my girlfriend to make it go away. It was making a huge bulge in the front of my pants and there was no way that I was going to be able to hide it walking back into class.

“Fuck you bastard what’s the matter with me,” I whispered to myself, as I undone the front of my pants and tried to push it down or to the side where it wouldn’t notice. It wasn’t playing ball and I didn’t have enough time to take care of it any other way. The more I panicked, the hotter I became and the sweatier I became.

“Shit,” I said as I leaned back against the wall of he cubicle, “why me?” I wasn’t sure how long I had been out of class, but it was a lot longer than anyone usually needed to use the toilet, what was I going to say to the teacher?

‘Why couldn’t I just have waited until lunchtime to read it’?

Luckily, the thought of having to explain myself to the teacher was enough to quell the excitement brought on from reading that note. I tried hard to keep my thoughts pure, until my unruly body part had returned to its regular size and I was able to tuck it away neatly in its usual position within my briefs. I left the cubicle and quickly examined myself in the mirror.

‘Good no bulge’.

I rushed back to class where the teacher gave me long quizzical look, but luckily didn’t say anything.

“Are you okay” asked Fran on our way out of class. “You spent over twenty minutes in the toilet; I thought that you might be ill.”

“I’m fine just a little upset stomach that’s all, I’m better now.”

‘Over twenty minutes, is she timing me when I go to the toilet or something? Is it normal to do that when you’re in a relationship? Maybe I should be timing her, and then we could compare notes at the end of the bloody week’!

“You look a little pale,” she said studying my face, “not your usual colour. You didn’t miss much anyway it was quite boring, but you can borrow my notes if you need to.” I wasn’t listening, not because I wasn’t interested in what she was saying but because my mind had been taken over entirely by Boy X and the note.

“Are you even listening to me?”

“Err what?” I said.

She shook her head, “I said you can read my notes.”

“Note,” I said loudly, “read what note?”

“Forget it,” she said, “go back to sleep.”

‘She has a point, I’m zoning out here because of that stupid kid. I need to get a grip. Maybe I should play ill for a while to give me some breathing space’.

After lunch, I had my least favourite lesson math, a subject that I had always found uninspiring and difficult to understand. The extra after school classes that I had been attending twice a week were helping but not quickly enough for me to catch up with the rest of the class. There were still some things, which I just found frustratingly difficult to grasp, like algebra. That day unsurprisingly, I had found it almost impossible to concentrate and when the teacher handed out the homework, Fran must have seen the look of horror on my face.

“It’s really quite simple,” she said as we walked out of class “but it takes a while to get used to it.”

“It might be simple for you, but for me it doesn't make any sense at all,” I said. “I’m out of my depth here, they shouldn’t be giving me work like this, I’m dumb at math.”

“Your not dumb Robbie, if you were dumb then I wouldn’t be going out with you.”

“That doesn't make sense,” I said. “People don’t date because of their intelligence.”

“It might not be what initially attracts people to each other,” she said, “but it’s a part of the overall package. I mean, surely you’re not just attracted by someone’s looks and body.”

“Yes,” I said, “that’s about all that interests me.” Then I started to laugh. “Except in your case of course, what attracts me the most about you, is your knowledge of algebra and your willingness to share that knowledge with others.”

“Do you want me to help you with your math homework, Robbie?”

“No,” I said, “I just want the answers.” That reply got me a punch on the arm from Fran as we walked along the hall, but she later agreed to come over that evening to help me out. It would also give me the chance to introduce her to Don, Sue and of course Amy, and help me to keep my mind off that bloody note.

During my lunch hour, I had managed to get away from Fran long enough to go back to the toilets and to the same cubicle as earlier. Once inside, with the door locked and more time on my hands, I carefully opened the note and read it again twice, looking for anything that I might have missed. I studied the handwriting trying to memorise the way that each character was written and making a mental note of the slant of the letters. At the end of the school day, I placed it carefully with the first note in a special folder in my locker. I didn’t want to take it home with me just in case somebody found it one day in my drawer or something. How would I ever explain that to Sue or Daniel? Something so potentially life destroying had to remain in my locker and as far away from the family as possible.

On the bus journey home, I told Daniel that I had invited Fran over that night to help me with my math homework. He smiled and gave me a sideways glance.

“So you want me to leave you two alone in the bedroom huh,” he said, and then he held out his hand palm upwards and joked, “It’ll cost you.”

“No that’s not what I meant,” I said, “we won’t be in the bedroom, she’s coming over to help me with my homework, we’ll probably work upstairs so we’re not disturbed by the television.”

“Right,” he said sarcastically, seemingly unable to believe that it was possible for a fifteen-year-old couple to spend time together indoors, without wanting to jump each other’s bones. The only reason for me inviting her over was so that I could get the marks that I needed for my homework, and maybe learn how to do it myself. I knew how good she was at math, and I found it easier to understand Fran than the teacher, so it made sense. If we managed to sneak in a quick snog at some point then all the better, but it definitely wasn’t my main objective.

As soon as I asked Sue, if it were okay for Fran to pop over and study with me, she insisted that I call her and invite her to dinner as well. I might have known that this would happen. I just hoped that they wouldn’t embarrass me by bringing up conversations that involved marriage or having children or I would crawl under the table and die. Thankfully, this wasn’t the case, but they did bring up the subject of adoption, which would have been the next thing on my list of embarrassing subjects to avoid at the dinner table. I had already explained to Fran the circumstances that led to me moving to Canada and living with Don and Sue, but I hadn't gone into too much detail and never mentioned the adoption. I always thought that it sounded a bit silly a fifteen-year-old boy being adopted. I always associated that with much younger kids and thought it was probably unnecessary at my age. Fran however, agreed with Don and thought that it would be good for me, and help me to settle in a bit better. I didn’t think that I was having much trouble doing that anyway.

After dinner, Don said that we could use the study, to well, study of course, so that we wouldn’t be disturbed and we were pretty much left alone by everyone. Fran tried her best to teach me how to solve the problems that we had been given in class. It wasn’t easy, but eventually I was able to understand enough to complete the final two equations on my own, which is what I was supposed to do with all of them. It didn’t matter I had managed to learn how to do it and would get some good marks for this work, which was entirely down to Fran’s help. I leaned over and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek to say thank you, but this wasn’t ever going to be good enough for her.

Fran wasn’t slow off the mark when it came to stuff like that and before I knew it she had me pinned down in the chair and was sitting on my lap, as we mashed our lips together with gusto. Thankfully, she was wearing jeans, but her crotch was directly on top of my dick and pressing down hard on it, which was enough to cause problems for me as once again I started to get hard. It was the third time that this kind of thing had happened to me that day and this time I had been well and truly rumbled. I was sure that she could feel this happening, but there was little that I could do to stop it. Normally for me, thinking of a girl would be enough to keep me soft, but with her physically pressing down on it and some fairly hot kissing going on as well I was fighting a losing battle. Finally, embarrassed by the fact that my penis was attempting to force its way into her entirely on its own, I had to ask her to get off for a while. When she did stand up she was red in the face and more than a little flustered. I got the feeling that she was enjoying it and was almost sorry that I had asked her to stop.

As she calmed down a bit and stood back, she looked down at me and smiled. There was a huge bulge in the front of my pants, so I stood up and turned away to adjust myself, so that it wasn't sticking out at a ninety degree angle. She found it amusing, which only embarrassed me more.

“I’m really sorry,” I said, pulling my hand out from the front of my pants. I could feel my cheeks burning. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

She seemed to understand the workings of a boy’s body enough to realise that it wasn’t my fault.

“Why are you sorry, I know that you can’t stop that from happening? It’s perfectly natural. You don’t need to be embarrassed by it or apologise to me, when it was me that made it happen first place.” She walked over and gave me another kiss. “If nothing happened then maybe you should feel embarrassed, but I don’t think that you’ve got any problems as far as that’s concerned."

“You’d be surprised."

‘If only she knew how many times a day I got a hard on. She can’t possibly understand how unpredictable and uncontrollable a penis can be, especially when it’s attached to somebody like me’.

“I’m not ready to do anything like that just yet, Robbie, I hope that you understand. We need to get to know each other a bit better before taking that step.”

“It’s cool. I wasn’t expecting that. Not in my uncle’s study anyway.” This made her laugh and she gave me another kiss.

‘She seemed to be more than ready for it a little while ago’.

“You're so cute when you get embarrassed,” she said, “and you’re so easy to embarrass as well. Most guys would have been trying to get into my panties, but I think that when we’re ready, it’ll be me that’s trying to get into yours.”

“I don’t wear panties,” I said, and she hit me on the arm.

“The English have a reputation for being a bit shy, when it comes to sex.” She said as she kissed me yet again. “I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”

When we left the study, I put my books away, while Fran used the bathroom and Nicola walked over to look at me and laughed before fixing my hair with her fingers and adjusting the collar of the polo shirt I was wearing.

“You can get into such a mess when you’re doing homework,” she said smiling.

I allowed her to have her bit of fun before taking Fran downstairs to show her our bedroom and the family room where Daniel sat watching a movie. For once, I was pleased that he had decided to wear a t-shirt and jogging bottoms instead of just a pair of shorts. Fran already knew Daniel from school and earlier I had introduced her to the loveable Amy, who then proceeded to grill her for half an hour until dinner was served.

It was only nine and she could have easily got the bus home, but Don insisted on driving her. Maybe he wanted to see where she lived, but I don’t think that this was his motivation. On the way back, he kept telling me what a nice girl he thought she was. Intelligent, polite, and very pretty, what more could a young guy like me want. It was a comment that I kept repeating to myself later that evening, as I sat at the computer writing a quick email to her. I wanted to thank her for helping me with my homework and helping me to figure out how to do it. She had shown quite a lot of patience with me, considering that she was streets ahead in ability. I had a quick laugh to myself when I thought about how she had allowed herself to get carried away when we were making out. I was certain that she had been well on the way to having an orgasm when I told her to stop. Maybe I should have let her carry on to see what happened, although I was sure that she wouldn’t have been the only one, and that would have been embarrassing for the both of us. I sent my email before quickly changing into my pyjama bottoms and an old t-shirt and making my way upstairs for a drink, laughing.

Even I had to admit that my life was starting to turn around. I was happy all of a sudden but I couldn’t figure out when this had happened or what made it happen. I enjoyed being in Fran’s company and she obviously had played a big part in making me happy. I always had a lot of fun when I was with her, as on Saturday for example when we got drunk. I still couldn’t believe that we got away with that. Fran had managed to smuggle me out of her house just a few minutes before her mom got up and despite feeling a little rough for most of the next day, I managed to hide the fact that I had been rat-arsed from Don and Sue. They had believed Philippe’s explanation that I had been sick after eating something that hadn’t agreed with me and his parents had put me to bed in the spare room. When I got back home on Sunday morning, Sue made me lie down and get some more rest, which was exactly what I needed. The only one who probably didn’t believe this story was Nicola, who gave me dirty looks for the rest of the day. She didn’t say anything to me, but I got the feeling that she thought I was bonking Fran all night. It made me laugh, but I think that it was a combination of Fran, the change in the weather and the excitement of knowing that I had secret admirers of both sexes, that was really putting a smile on my face.

It was a change that had been noticed not just by Don and Sue, but by the kids too and Daniel in particular. He had probably been the most affected by my bad moods and general sulky behaviour because he had to share a room with me. There were times, when he really didn’t know how to act around me and I felt sorry that I had made him feel uncomfortable in his own room. Now I could clearly see that he was enjoying having the happier version of me for company.

In the kitchen, Sue was making a hot drink for everyone as I walked in.

“Would you like a cup of tea honey?” she asked.

“Coffee,” please I replied as usual.

“Do you think that’s a good idea, it’s quite late to be drinking coffee.”

“It’s okay it won’t keep me awake,” I said, “Anyway there’s caffeine in tea as well you know.”

Nicola was sitting at the breakfast bar in her dressing gown, also ready for bed; she was leafing through a magazine as she glanced over at me. “Robbie you know what really makes me laugh about you?” she said.

“No,” I said, “but I’m sure that you’re gonna tell me.”

“The way that you always wear socks even with your pyjamas,” she said. “It makes you look like a real dork.”

“Thanks,” I said. I could have thought of a few choice things to say about her too, but I was in a good mood and I wasn’t going to let her wreck it.

“Leave him alone,” said Daniel as he followed me in. “Does it really bother you that much what he wears indoors. He doesn't laugh when you walk around in those silly nightdresses.”

“Uh uh,” I said, correcting him, “I do.” Daniel and Sue laughed while Nicola just rolled her eyes at me and went back to her magazine.

“Fran’s a really nice girl,” said Sue, changing the subject.

“She’s okay I guess,” I said.

“Don’t overdo it with the compliments,” said Nicola and even I had to laugh a bit at that.

“Well she seems to have brought about a change in you,” said Sue. “So I think that she’s a bit more than okay honey.”

“Yeah,” said Daniel. “There are a lot of jealous guys at school.”

“There are?” I said, “Why?”

“Because they think that you’re banging Fran and Laura at the same time,” he laughed.

“Daniel, don’t be rude,” said Sue. She looked a little shocked to hear her little boy talking about sex and it wasn’t something that I had expected to hear from him either.

“Who’s Laura then? I don’t get it,” said Nicola.

“Laura is Fran’s best friend,” I said.

“And a lot of the guys think that they’re lesbians,” said Daniel.

“Fran isn’t a lesbian you dork,” said Nicola. “Lesbians are not into guys, not even Robbie could pull that off.”

‘Was that a compliment from Nicola, or was she just being sarcastic’.

“I’m pretty sure that she’s straight Daniel,” I said. “Laura is just her best friend. Friends can be really close sometimes like Tom and I were.” I looked up to see Sue looking over at me, she had a warm smile on her face, and she made sure that I noticed. I think that she understood more than she let on and maybe she knew how important Fran had been in helping me to get over him.

Fran met with Don and Sue’s approval and I always knew that she would. This would almost certainly make for a comfortable life. I wanted to please them, and for them to be happy for me and to see me happy. I had everything planned but that was before the notes from Boy X.

The second note from him now seemed to confirm what I always believed, that Boy X was real. It also seemed like he wasn’t going to be easily put off by the fact that I now had a girlfriend. It was as if he knew me better than I knew myself. Was it that obvious that I was carrying a big secret around? How did he know about me, if I wasn’t even sure myself? I had to think of something else, before I got locked into this again.

“Daniel and Nathan were really close, isn’t that right Daniel?” said Nicola. It wasn’t difficult to work out what she was implying. “They were always sleeping over at each others houses eh. Have you met Nathan, Robbie?”

“Yes.”

“My brother had a boy fling with him and now they’re not talking to each other,” she said.

“Don’t listen to her she’s just being a bitch,” he said, and Nicola laughed while Sue shook her head at the pair of them. I must admit I found the thought of Daniel having a boy fling with Nathan to be quite a turn on.

“Here you go honey,” said Sue passing me a cup of coffee. “It’s decaf so you’re not up all night.”

“That’s not coffee you’re drinking, Robbie?” It was Don, who had come into the kitchen to say goodnight to everyone. It was nearly ten and he would have to leave for work at six thirty.

“You want to go easy on that stuff or you’ll end up like some of the guys that I work with. They can’t even function until they’ve had at least three cups in the morning.”

“The energy drinks are much worse than coffee,” said Daniel. “And there are lots of kids who take them to school.”

“I knew a guy who drank brake fluid,” I said.

“No way!” said Daniel.

“Are you serious?” asked Nicola.

“Oh yeah,” I said, “He used to drink it every day.”

“Robbie, you can’t drink brake fluid, it will kill you,” said Don.

“No honestly, he used to drink it all the time,” I said, adamantly.

“You can’t drink brake fluid Robbie,” said Don, slightly agitated. “It’s poisonous.”

“Well he did.”

“Honey, Don is right it’s not safe to drink stuff like that, he must have been kidding you,” said Sue.

“Nope, it was definitely brake fluid,” I insisted.

Don looked beaten and threw his hands in the air in frustration. “Okay Robbie, have it your way I’m not going to argue over it.”

“Well it’s true, and he used to drink it every day,” I said. “I told him that he was addicted to the stuff but he said that he could stop at any time!” I walked away laughing and leaving a chorus of moans and giggles behind me, at least Daniel thought it was funny.

‘Don was totally taken in yet again, how can he work in advertising and be so gullible’?

* * * * *

Even without the caffeine, I lay awake in bed long after the light went out and long after I could hear Daniel lightly snoring. Thinking about the conversation from earlier, I found it quite amusing that Fran had been labelled a lesbian when I knew for sure that she was straight, whereas I was the one receiving gay love letters and no one suspected a bloody thing.

Once again, my thoughts went back to my three suspects. Whichever one it was had obviously seen something in me that had led him to believe that I was gay and he had been willing to risk everything in order to make something happen between us.

‘I’ve led him on by not telling anyone about his note. I could have stopped it straight away, but I didn’t. Now he thinks that I’m interested, he thinks that I’m gay and have the same feelings as he does. He wants to do stuff with me; I wonder what he means by that. Does he want to go the whole way and have sex with me, like proper gay sex? Like I did with Tom. It would probably lead to that but start off with jerking each other off or a blowjob’.

The thought of either one of those cute boys giving me a blowjob was more than enough to get my dick standing to attention again. The thought of having sex with them was enough to send me to the bathroom to jerk off.

‘Why does this keep happening to me? Why am I letting this silly note get me all worked up like this? Does this Boy X have any idea what he is doing to me? Well fuck him. No not literally, that’s not what I want, or do I. No, that’s what girls are for and eventually Fran will want me to do that to her. Boys make good friends and this Boy X would probably have made a good friend if he weren’t so interested in getting into my bleeding pants. Sorry mate but you’re barking up the wrong tree because I’m going to have Sex with Fran. She’s my girlfriend, she’s cute, and everyone knows that. I’ve seen other boys looking at her. I bet they wished that they were me. She was hot no doubt about it and I was the lucky guy to get her. I think that she’s still a virgin and I’m going to be her first. I bet that she would give me a blowjob too’.

I could imagine what this would be like and I could easily picture her doing this to me, it wasn’t hard, and that was the problem, it wasn’t hard, the stiffie that I had less than a minute ago had receded and it was clear that my dick no longer wanted to play. I had been deliberately trying to conjure up images of us having sex and doing other stuff. How could I not be turned on by the thought of having sex with this beautiful sexy young girl with a perfect body and a great pair of tits and whatever else people liked about her, but the truth was, I wasn’t. Not even a little bit.

‘This bloody stupid dick of mine wants to stick out over a stupid note that could have been written by anybody, but is totally lifeless when it comes to my real life girlfriend’.

* * * * *

At lunch the next day as I sat opposite Fran in the school cafeteria I deliberately tried to get myself excited by trying to imagine what it would be like to have sex with her. I got some kind of reaction down there; I mean there was a definite stirring in my loins but nothing to write home about. Then I directed my thoughts towards cute little Rory who sat at the very next table laughing with another boy. I didn’t have to imagine myself having sex with him, just a quick glance over was enough. I was finally beginning to understand, that this wasn’t something that was going to go away. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week or next year. It wasn’t something that I was going to be able to ignore because it didn’t suit my lifestyle, my friends or my family. It would be with me and would be a part of me forever whether I chose to recognise it or not. Tom, the notes from Boy X, Nathan, Rory and even Daniel to some extent was all proof of something that deep down I probably already knew. I was gay and would always be that way.

The rest of that day seemed to go by in a haze and although I managed to get into my lessons more in the afternoon this played on my mind. I had the feeling that the next few weeks were going to be important for me not just for my immediate future but also possibly for the rest of my life. The emergence of this Boy X into my life may prove to be the catalyst for everything that was surely going to have to happen. Now that it was dawning on me that I was never going to be straight, the best that I could hope for was if I was bi-sexual.

Other than that, I would have to try to ignore it and pretend that I was straight. This would be difficult to do for the rest of my life and it would almost certainly lead to a miserable and unfulfilled existence. People had done it and I had no doubts that it was possible, providing that I was able to resist temptation for at least the next twenty years. The other option would be to come out and embrace my gay side, instead of trying to suppress it. This understandably, was the preferred route chosen by the vast majority of gay people around the world, even in places where by doing so they would be leaving themselves open to persecution.

Realistically, I knew that if I were ever going to be truly happy in life, then I would have to one day admit to others that I was attracted to boys. I was convinced though, that the longer that I could put off doing this, the better and easier it would become.