Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are based on the authors' lives and experiences and may be changed to protect personal information. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
My journey through pain - 1. Chapter 1 - the beginning of fear
Hello all.
I come to you in humility, after years of not publishing anything on this wonderful site. I have been struck with depression, struck down hard. I have been in psychiatric treatment, and then left it when the side effects got too bad and I saw no improvement to my mental health. My life has changed, too, in many ways. I have dealt with the blows, one by one, but this last one threatens to make me crumble - and I don't want to. So I come back to writing, wiser, older, afraid. These will be my notes and thoughts as I deal with what I go through - and maybe, just maybe, my way out of the darkness too. I will tell it like it is, writing non-fiction for the first time in my life, and the subject will be me. I know I cannot ask you to read this, but just in case you do, I thank you already.
Let's go.
My marriage ended very badly. Fists-badly. I moved away with my dog and the things I could carry on my back after the night when it all went to hell, moved back with my mother, who has kindly received her wreck of a son in her outstretched arms. At first I thought I could tough it out on my own, but soon the flashbacks started coming. The horrible words hurled in anger between my ex-husband and me. The escalation. The fear, the powerlessness. And I have begun to experience panic attacks, slowly at first, then more and more as days have turned into weeks. I wake up in the middle of the night, a cornered animal, wanting to scream from how bad it feels. Last night I couldn't sleep more than a couple fitful hours. I fear tonight, fear the terrible panic, but at the same time I want to fight, I want to regain my inner peace. It feels as though my mind has gotten stuck in a vicious cycle of fear and panic that feeds on itself. My panic attacks come during the day, too. They make me feel hot and cold at the same time. In those moments, I know something bad is going to happen to me, is happening, and I have no defense. It is terrifying. I now know true horror, true hopelessness.
But this journal right here, this is my way to fight. I apologize in advance for it not being a story like the ones I was known for here in GA, and I'm not even sure it's okay for me to publish these most intimate thoughts like this, but it somehow helps. And, with your leave, I would like to keep on recording. Maybe I'll write tonight at 3 am in the throes of panic. Maybe I'll write some other time. I'm not sure, but this is my first step.
- 8
- 8
- 12
Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are based on the authors' lives and experiences and may be changed to protect personal information. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
Recommended Comments
Chapter Comments
-
Newsletter
Sign Up and get an occasional Newsletter. Fill out your profile with favorite genres and say yes to genre news to get the monthly update for your favorite genres.