Gap Year - 15. Chapter 15

February 2, 2004

Sydney, Australia

Will

When Stef and I had gotten back to the hotel, I’d gone down to the gym and worked out, then transitioned to the spa where I got a facial. After that, I lounged around in the sauna and steam room. I was pampering myself, or so I rationalized, when in reality I was just killing time until I was sure that Grand, Stef, and Tom were gone. That way I didn’t have to listen to them try to convince me to go to dinner with them, throwing out guilt and enticements which would have been wasted on me since I was so not into going out to a formal dinner. I thought about how much I missed Connie, and got pissed off that he wasn’t around, even though it wasn’t his fault.

I went back up to my room to discover that there was a guard there blocking my way. He was a lot shorter than me, probably about 5’3”, but built like a rock. He had a square face and brown hair that was so short it was almost a buzz cut. He looked like the Australian version of a marine, or at least the pygmy version of one. “Excuse me, sir,” he said to stop me as I made to go around him. I was already in a bad mood since Connie wasn’t here, so having him block my path was super irritating.

“I’m going to my fucking room,” I snapped. “Get out of my way!”

“I’m sorry sir, but these rooms are occupied,” he said.

“I’m Will Schluter,” I said, then gestured to my door. “That’s my room.”

“Do you have any identification?” he asked.

“No, just my hotel key,” I said, losing my temper with him. “If it works, then it’s my room.” He didn’t move. “Get the fuck out of my way, goddammit!” I screamed. He reluctantly moved aside, then I walked up to my room, slid the key in the lock, and it clicked open. “See!” I said, being a total asshole.

“I’m sorry, sir,” he said.

I walked into my room and slammed the door, then felt absolutely terrible for going off on that guy who Stef had hired, and who was only doing his job. It wasn’t his fault that I was all alone in this big city. There was a fruit basket on the table, a gift from the hotel since my room was so expensive. I snagged a banana and an orange from it, then took the rest of it out into the hallway. “Hey,” I said, to get his attention. He almost looked afraid of me as he walked over to the door.

“Yes, sir?” he asked.

“I’m really sorry I was a jerk a few minutes ago,” I said. “You were just doing your job.”

He smiled at me, and it made him cute. “That’s no problem, mate,” he said, then seemed nervous that he hadn’t called me sir.

“Call me Will,” I instructed, then handed him the fruit basket. “I’m going out so I won’t need this. It will give you something to eat while you’re driving away the Mongol hordes.”

“Hordes?” he asked.

“Invaders,” I said. He made to argue but I stopped him. “Take it. I’m not going to eat it.”

“Well thank you, sir, er, I mean Will,” he said.

“You need anything else, let me know,” I said. He looked like he was trying to decide whether to ask me for something, then changed his mind. “What?”

“You mind if I use your toilet? I’m supposed to get a break in 45 minutes, but I don’t know if I can hold it that long,” he said.

“Sure,” I said cheerfully, and opened the door to let him in. I led him through my room to the master bathroom, even though there was a half-bath out in the main room he could have used, but he didn’t know that. “I’m going to jump in the shower.”

“Thanks,” he said. I stripped off my clothes in record time, then walked up to the sink, which was right next to where he was peeing. I grabbed a facial pad and pretended to be working on my face while I peeked over at him. He was a big boy, and it looked like he was getting bigger. He finished peeing and stroked his cock a few times to get the last few drops out, then a few more times as it started to get harder. I glanced at him sideways and saw him totally checking me out. When I turned and looked at him, my own dick almost hard, he freaked out and started to zip up his pants. I reached down and stopped him, then pushed his hands away and started stroking his cock. “Mmmm,” he moaned. “Don’t have much time.”

“Neither do I,” I lied. I got a magnum out and worked some lube into my ass while he put the condom on, then he fucked me for all of three minutes before he came. He freaked out after he did, pulled off the condom and tossed it in the toilet, then mumbled some excuses as he all but ran out of my room. I laughed, then since he’d left me pretty high and dry, I jacked off in the shower.

I got out of the shower and ordered room service, then while I was waiting for food, I spent time getting ready. I mulled my outfit choices and finally settled on some Diesel jeans that Stef had brought me. They fit me perfectly: they made my ass look good, they bulged out perfectly in the crotch, and they were baggy enough to look fashionable but tight enough to make me look really slim. The room service waiter arrived with my food and he was really cute. I thought about trying to seduce him so I could continue my slut-o-rama but decided to give my libido a rest.

I ate my dinner at a more leisurely pace as I looked out the windows of my room and took in Sydney harbor at night. By the time I finished up, it was pretty late, primarily since I’d dicked around for most of the evening. Still, I left the hotel in a really good mood, happy to be in this awesome city. I walked through the park, feeling pretty cocky about my appearance, and pretty excited to see if it would yield results at the clubs tonight.

I walked around Oxford Street just enjoying the vibe and the attention I got, then decided it was time to do some dancing. I went to the first club I’d gone to when I’d gotten to Sydney, the one where I’d first met Connie. The only other club I knew about was the one where I’d gotten kit-katted, and I really didn’t want to relive that experience. Since it was Monday night, there wasn’t the same massive line I’d encountered on the weekend, and I was able to breeze right in. I stopped in the bathroom to make sure my hair looked perfect, then went to the bar and ordered a drink. Even though I hadn’t had any problems at this bar, I ordered a beer.

I avoided making eye contact with anyone except the bartender because I wanted to get my bearings first. That probably made me seem like an arrogant ass, but I think I inherited the need to acclimate to my environment first from my father. I took my beer and walked up to the place where I’d been standing when I’d first spotted Connie. It was awesome because there was an alcove where I could look out but wasn’t easily visible from the dance floor. The music flowed through my body, fueling my desire to dance, so I checked out all the guys, trying to decide who was both cute and a good dancer. I had narrowed my choices down to two dudes and was about to go over and hit on them when I saw Connie dance out onto the floor with a hot redheaded dude. I froze in shock. Wasn’t he supposed to be out of town with his mates? He could have called me, and we could have had a great time while I was here, but instead he blew me off. I felt the fury flying through my body, the rage that he would bullshit me and tell me he wasn’t in town and he was busy, only to find him out picking up trashy dudes. If I were being fair, I would have noted that the redhead wasn’t trashy at all, but I wasn’t in the mood to be fair. Connie and I had a pretty intense relationship, and he’d seemed upset when he left. Was that all just a lie, and was he happy I was gone? I almost growled in anger. He was so relieved to be rid of me that he wouldn’t even talk to me on the phone. A dude came up and asked me if I wanted to dance, and all I could do was shake my head. He walked away in a huff, and that only made me feel worse for being a dick.

My emotions were like a runaway freight train. I was so tempted to put my beer down, walk across the dance floor and right up to Connie and give him a well-placed right hook. I balled up my fist in anticipation of doing just that, then through some miracle, I forced myself to calm down a bit. I slunk further back into my alcove and tried to decide what to do. I took another swig of my beer and spent about five minutes doing controlled breathing, and that largely removed my desire to seriously maim Connie. I looked back out on the dance floor to watch Connie and his redhead, and with a calmer outlook, I noticed that Connie was dancing with him in a detached kind of way. It was the way I’d dance with someone who was fun on the dance floor, but that’s as far as it was going. The other dude must have felt his vibe and they stopped dancing. Connie went back to his chair, which was off by itself, making him look like a loner. I gave myself shit for judging him about that, since I was hiding in a corner of the bar, while at least he was out in the open.

Another cute dude, this one blond, walked up and must have hit on him, since they ended up on the dance floor. Just like before, Connie’s moves were as good as ever, but he seemed hollow and empty. It would be easy to blame it on the blond dude he was with, but that guy was a hunk. Shit, if I were scoping the club and not secretly staring at Connie, he would have been the first dude I hit on. That dude was way too hot to put up with Connie’s disinterest, so Connie ended up back in his chair.

I took that opportunity to plan my next move, trying to analyze it as thoroughly as I did when I was in a battle with my father. When I’d first spotted him, I had been so tempted to go up to him and make a scene, but now seeing him look so lonely, I just couldn’t do it. Besides, if I did that, made a scene, it would make his presence here obvious, and while no guy here couldn’t miss him since he was so attractive, that kind of drama attracted negative attention. No matter how mad I was at him, there was absolutely no way I was going to out him. Another choice was for me to just leave, to sneak out so he didn’t see me, and then he’d never know I was here and that I’d seen him. I could then act like none of this ever happened. I laughed to myself when I visualized my father in this situation, and how he would so not do that. No, that kind of approach was way too low key for me, and I wasn’t genetically set up to handle it. Besides, if I did that, I’d be pissed at him and it would fester in my psyche, and it would probably slowly kill off any feelings I had for him. Then someday when he called me, I would probably rip him a new asshole. He really wouldn’t have a chance at that point to explain things, if that was possible, and that didn’t seem fair.

He got up to dance with a different guy, one who looked like he might be Aboriginal too. The two of them together danced so well they were almost putting on a show, but just like before, I could tell Connie wasn’t into him. I walked around the club, trying to make sure he couldn’t see me, until I got to his chair. His coat was draped over it, so I took it and walked off to the side, where I leaned against another pillar. The pillars at this club were pretty convenient. I was closer to him now, so when he finally got tired of dancing with that dude, I could see the interchange and guess what they were saying. The other dude was trying to get him to leave and go somewhere to fuck, but Connie was turning him down flat. The dude walked off, kind of pissed off, while Connie walked back to his chair.

He sat down and then his eyes opened pretty wide as he looked around, realizing his coat was gone. “Where’s my fucking jacket?” he growled, loudly enough for me to hear. A dude sitting not too far from him got up and said something, then pointed to me. I stood there, holding his jacket on the hook of my finger, away from my body.

His eyes met mine and it was like time froze. His mouth opened up in shock, but what really surprised me was all the emotions his eyes threw at me. It was such a torrent it was hard to decipher, but it seemed that the two biggest were fear and sadness. I could not understand why he would direct those at me. I thought that our time together had been magical, yet here he was, looking at me like I was the fucking plague. I knew I had to leave before my emotional train went off the tracks again. I decided that if Connie wanted to get his jacket, he was going to have to have a conversation with me. I didn’t want to have that discussion here, so I turned away from him and quickly walked out of the club, carrying his jacket with me. If he chased me, I’d give it back to him. If he didn’t, I’d donate it to charity.

I was walking pretty fast in an effort to make him book if he wanted to catch me, which was kind of a dick move, but whatever. He probably had to pay his tab, so I was damn near to the park before I heard his voice. “Will!” I ignored him and walked into the park, even as I heard his thumping feet as he ran to catch up with me. He didn’t say anything, he just fell in step next to me and I reduced my pace to a very slow walk.

We meandered through the park like that, walking slowly while saying nothing for a few minutes until I stopped and looked at him. “Here,” I said, and handed him his jacket. I decided that if he took it and left, it would be just fine, because I’d said that one word with so much bitterness, he’d get how I felt.

He took the jacket and swung it over his shoulder, which made him look even more sexy than before, and we started walking again. As we strolled together, saying nothing, the anger I felt toward him faded and was replaced by the pleasantness of just being with him, enjoying his presence. It dawned on me that he was acting pretty strangely, and that probably meant that he was pretty fucked up inside that thick head of his. That realization mellowed me, and he must have sensed the change in my mood. “Have a seat?” he said, gesturing to a bench.

“Sure,” I said, and sat next to him. “You want to tell me what the fuck that was all about?”

“You mean how I lied to you and told you I would be out of town?” he asked.

“Yeah, that,” I said, and started to get pissed again.

“I didn’t want to see you,” he said. Before I could lose it and go off on him, he added words that totally blew my mind. “I knew it would be too painful.”

“Why would seeing me be painful?” I asked, confused. “I thought you had a good time when we were together.”

He shook his head at me. “To you, this was probably some fun holiday fling,” he said. I was struck with how much sadness he put into those words. “So while you were enjoying yourself, I went and fell in love with you.”

“Oh,” I said lamely as I digested his words and what they meant. Holy shit. No wonder he was upset, and no wonder he was avoiding me. I remembered how painful it had been all those years ago in Italy when I’d had to leave Berto, and how miserable I’d been. Then I remembered the searing pain when Zach had broken up with me. That had been agony, and I’d been completely fucked up. And now I’d done that to a dude I really cared about, inflicted that kind of pain on him. I felt like complete and total shit.

“I love you, but you don’t love me, and even if you did, we can’t be together anyway,” he babbled on. “So when I hear your voice, or even worse, see you, it’s like a knife in my bollocks.” I had no idea what a bollocks was but having a knife in them sounded bad.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” I said, even as I looked straight ahead, avoiding his gaze.

“You told me this would be fun,” he said, almost yelling. “You said that I should break my rule and take the risk. You said it would be safe. Well it wasn’t safe, and now inside it’s like my heart is wallowing in crushed glass.” He certainly had described that in graphic detail, as if I wasn’t already feeling enough guilt.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I said lamely. I didn’t know what to say, so I let my mind go back to when I’d been in his position. That mental journey made me realize there was nothing I could do. He was fucked. My inner turmoil mellowed him, which was almost annoying, because that’s exactly how I would have reacted.

“I know you didn’t,” he said, and ran his hand up and down my back. Here I’d damn near emotionally castrated him, and he was still reaching out to help me feel better. “I was just trying to protect myself. It’s been hell these past few days, and I was worried that if I saw you, it would start all over again.”

I swallowed hard at that. “I don’t know whether I should leave or not,” I said, giving him a weak smile.

“Well, you already fucked up my plan, so we might as well hang out while you’re still here,” he said, and smiled back at me. The smile faded to a frown. “I guess this would be easier if I thought you loved me too.”

“I think it just takes me longer to get there,” I said honestly. “I think I’ve trained myself, thrown up a bunch of defenses, to make sure I don’t fall for someone fast.”

“Why would you do that?” he asked, looking at me like an idiot.

“So I don’t feel like you do right now,” I said.

“When I fall, I fall hard,” he said. “That’s another reason why I had the one date rule.”

“Tom said that when he saw us looking at each other, it was getting obvious that we were together,” I said. “You treated me really well, and that’s not something to be mad about.”

“It is if it gets me outed,” he said.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that one of the coolest and sweetest parts of you is how loving and giving you are when you’re with someone,” I said. His expression told me that he was blushing even though it was too dark to tell. “I think that’s what you have to give up to stay in the closet.”

“So I have to be a dick to a bloke I’m with?” he asked.

“Either that, or figure out a way to hide your feelings in public,” I said. I wondered if that was yet another reason why I ended up with closeted dudes, because I could act like they needed me to act in public.

“What a bunch of shit,” he said.

“Yep,” I agreed. We sat there for a few minutes, saying nothing, then he stood up and held out his hand to help hoist me off the bench, yet another thoughtful gesture that could send all the wrong signals.

“Fancy some Maccas?” he asked.

“Some tucker?” I asked back with a smile, doing a pretty good Australian accent.

“Look at you, a regular Aussie now,” he said, and shoulder bumped me. We went into McDonalds and ordered a bunch of food, then sat at the same booth we’d been in the last time we were here. We wolfed down our food pretty fast, but amazingly enough we managed to have a conversation at the same time.

“You danced really well tonight,” I said, in between bites.

“I always dance well,” he said. “Didn’t see you out there.”

“I was too busy spying on you,” I said. He gave me an annoyed look. “Watched you burn through three different guys.”

“You’re like a fucking stalker,” he said, but in a joking way.

“I can’t believe you didn’t end up fucking that blond dude,” I said.

“Nah,” he said, shaking his head. “He’s there a lot. Piece of trash.”

“Really?”

“He’s hot, he knows it, and he basically makes all the blokes at the club worship him before he’ll give them the time of day,” he said, even as he chewed his burger. “We’ve danced before, but even though he’s pretty on the outside, he’s a complete douche inside.”

I laughed. “See, and I would have fucked him.”

He laughed, and that seemed to coincide with us finishing up our food. “You still have time to go back there,” he said.

“I’m reliving the night we first met,” I said, as I threw my trash away and put the tray on top of the garbage can.

“I remember what comes next,” he said, winking at me. I led him across the street to the hotel, through the lobby, and to the elevators. We didn’t say anything as the car raced to the top floor. When we got out, there was a different guard there, but doing the same thing as the last guy: blocking the hallway to my room and Stef’s suite.

“Mr. Schluter, Mr. Schluter asked you to check in with him when you got back,” the guard said awkwardly.

“Instead, why don’t you buzz him and tell him I’m back, and that I’ll see him in the morning,” I said, as I zipped past him with Connie in tow.

“Alright,” I heard him say, even as the door shut behind me. I walked over to the window with Connie and we stared out at the flickering lights of the harbor.

“So beautiful,” I said.

“It is,” he agreed. He put his arm around my waist, and I put mine around his shoulder, and we just stood there, rebuilding our wounded bond by not saying anything. The phone rang, making me jump a bit. I reluctantly broke my contact with him and walked over to the phone, picked it up, and hung it back up on the main unit. Then I took it off the hook again.

“Solved that problem,” I said. “You want to see the view from the other room?”

“Yeah,” he said with a grin, and I led him into the bedroom. Before, we’d had fun sex, wild sex, but this time we made love.