The Cockney Canuck - 37. Chapter 37 Tossing and Turning

I hardly slept a wink that night, tossing and turning until the early hours of Monday morning. I had been up a couple of times pacing around the family room, trying to tire myself out, but my mind was still racing from the events of the weekend and more specifically from the text that Nathan had sent, just a few hours earlier. I had read it a dozen times or more and as I went back to bed with precious few hours remaining before school, I was able to recite it word for word over in my head. The last bit was particularly potent and each time I read it, it made me hard. Just the thought of that cute, gorgeous boy wanting to do naughty things with me, wanting to touch me, maybe suck me, perhaps even fuck me, it drove me insane and I had already made one impromptu visit to the bathroom to jerk off. I doubt if I had never wanked so much in my life as I had done over that weekend and if I added what Fran had managed to squeeze from me over the two nights, it was surprising that I had anything left in the tank at all.

If there was any doubt in my mind whatsoever as to how serious Nathan viewed our increasingly special relationship, then his message had put that firmly to bed. It was perfectly clear now, that he was feeling the same way and the mere thought of this made every hair on my body stand on end. I was hot and cold; unable to keep still, trembling with excitement and anticipation. I knew then that this dream, which had at times seemed so improbable, was now firmly within my grasp and nothing else mattered. He said that he would have sex with me, I even had it in writing; I could hold him to his word, if need be, but I knew that next time, he wouldn’t turn me down. All I had to do in return was agree to be his boyfriend, oh what hardship, I would have swum across shark infested waters with open cuts on my body, for such an opportunity. I simply couldn’t lose from this, it was a win, win situation. He wanted to be my boyfriend and he wanted to have sex with me, I kept repeating this to myself over and over in my head, maybe out loud, maybe even in my sleep. I wondered if Daniel had heard me, but the thought of it didn’t seem that daunting anymore.

‘So what if they find out, I don’t care anymore, he’s worth it. If I have to come out, then I will. I don’t care if Don throws me out onto the street, it’ll still be worth it’.

In the back of my mind, I knew that it would never come to that and there was still a chance that I would be able to keep the lid on it. Nathan had said that I didn’t need to come out, if I wasn’t ready, all I had to do was ditch Fran.

‘He wants to have a proper relationship with me, he doesn’t want to share me, he said that. Oh my god, he can have all of me, whenever he wants. I’m gonna make him so happy, I can’t wait. I’m gonna give that boy more love than he could possibly imagine. And everything else too. I swear, when the time comes, I’ll give him the best blowjob ever and I’ll do it every day for the rest of his life, if he lets me, twice a day even’.

I would need to talk to Fran properly and work things out, the bottom line was, she had to go, it was as simple as that.

‘We can still be friends if she will allow it, maybe we can still see each other, only without the sex’.

It was possible, but highly improbable and I knew Fran well enough to know that it was unlikely that she would give up without a fight. She wasn’t the type to go quietly; she would want explanations and that would mean sticking to the truth. Sooner or later, she would have to believe me. I worked out a plan, it was simple. I would talk to her after school on Wednesday and explain everything to her once again. We could go for a walk by the beach or sit in the park; somewhere neutral, where we could be alone and nobody would overhear us.

‘If she really cares for me, then maybe she will understand or even help me. Help me to be happy, at last I could be really happy. My mom would have wanted that, I’m sure. I wish I could have found the courage to have told her before she died’.

It would have meant a lot to me, to have had her blessing and I was certain then that she would have done that. If only I had been that confident six months earlier when it was possible, but that was before things went crazy with Tom and a long time before Nathan. A lot had happened in such a short period of time and my emotions had been pulled in every direction, sometimes seemingly at the same time. I was only just starting to see things clearly and really understand my feelings and it had taken something special to bring me to my senses. A draw so powerful and intimidating that even I was unable to ignore it, or simply brush it under the carpet. Just repeating this boy’s name to myself, in my head, was enough to increase my heart rate tenfold; the affect that he was having on me was truly remarkable and undeniable.

‘Is it possible for me to fall in love with someone that I hardly know, is that what this feeling is? Am I in love with him? No that’s ridiculous, I like him, I like him a lot, I like him really a lot, but I don’t love him, love is something that you feel after knowing someone for a long time. Right? Love would be more intense. Blimey, if love is even more intense than this, then I don’t think I would be physically capable of handling it. Shit, I would be a wreck for sure’.

I had lusted after many boys before, most notably Tom, whom I had spent much of my adolescent youth fantasying over, but this was something even more extreme than that. Only a few months before, I had been convinced that I would never meet anyone who could possibly replace Tom in my heart, yet Nathan was well on the way to doing just that. I wasn’t sure if I was even comfortable with that realisation; I still had feelings for Tom that I didn’t want to lose, but this new boy was commandeering every thought in my head.

According to my well thought out plan, I would see him at the bus stop on Thursday and explain to him that my ill-conceived, relationship with Fran was over, before asking him out on a date. It would probably be on Saturday and I would take him wherever he wanted to go, no matter what the cost. We would have the best time ever and then, at the end of the day, I would ask him if he would be my boyfriend, before finding someplace quiet, to snog him senseless. I would play it totally cool and be the perfect gentleman throughout, not mentioning sex at all. Instead I would leave it to him to decide and let me know when he was ready. If it took a week, a month or even longer, I was prepared to wait, he was worth it. Nathan was worth whatever it took, he had provided me with a way back; a second chance and I wasn’t going to mess up again.

* * * * *

Despite an inadequate amount of sleep, I went to school that Monday happier than I had been in a long time and perhaps happier than I had ever been in Canada before. At last, it seemed as if I had a purpose in life; as if I was fulfilling my destiny. Even though my future was far from certain and there were no doubt going to be tribulations ahead, I felt confident that I could face them and maybe even overcome them. Most importantly, I was sure that I wouldn’t have to face those problems alone, because soon Nathan would be there with me, my boyfriend. Just saying that to myself made me go weak at the knees and quiver with excitement, it was far from official yet, but that text held a lot of promise.

It was raining and the temperature had returned to winter following the weekend sunshine, but inside I was still full of the joys of spring. Even Nicola wasn’t able to dampen my high spirits when she ruffled my hair over breakfast and yanked my shirt out of my jeans as we stood waiting for the bus. I pushed her away and she slapped me across the arm, much to the amusement of Daniel who stood behind. Once inside the school, I swapped one annoying female for another as I saw Fran waiting for me by my locker. I smiled at her and said hello, as she grabbed my hand and walked with me into class.

“How would you like to do me a favour on Saturday?” she said.

“Saturday, you mean this Saturday?”

“Err, of course this Saturday, you’re staying at my place remember,” she whispered. “And I want you to model for me.” She must have seen the hesitation written across my face, I wasn’t expecting this so soon. She squeezed my hand and gave me a sultry look; I knew what was coming next. “I want to paint you nude.”

“Shit Fran, look can we…” she cut me off.

“Don’t worry baby, I’ll make it worth your while, like I did on Saturday.” I pulled my hand away and stood by my desk.

“We need to talk Fran, I mean it okay, I’m serious.”

“What’s wrong, didn’t you enjoy it?” Once again, she said this way too loud and it brought a few comments from the kids standing close to us.

“I would definitely enjoy it Fran, if you wanna do it to me,” said David.

“Keep dreaming dickhead,” she said.

‘And I had him down as being gay’.

There was a time when I would have been more than happy to do it to him, but that was before Nathan had conquered all that stood before him. I afforded David a half-hearted smile and decided not to press Fran any further on the subject, not in class anyway.

My attention was soon taken by the sight of Rory rushing into class, wet and out of breath. Walking to school, gave him the opportunity to be late, although somehow he always seemed to make it just in time. It also made him a little more vulnerable to the weather conditions and he looked super cute that morning, with his blond hair dampened by the morning drizzle.

“We’ll talk later okay,” I said, turning to Fran and for once I was glad for the interruption of Mrs Riegor and the first notes of the national anthem. I stared straight ahead, aware of Fran’s eyes burning into me throughout the tinny rendition of Oh Canada. When it had finished, I sat down, turned towards her and smiled, but my thoughts were only of Nathan and I was excited at the prospect of seeing him again. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to talk to him properly at lunchtime, with Ginny no doubt in his hair, but I wouldn’t need to, just looking into his eyes would be enough for now.

After homeroom and English, I walked out of the classroom with Fran as usual and agreed to see her at lunch before catching up with an excited Rory who was waiting for me in the corridor.

“How are you Rory?” I said, feeling relieved to be away from Fran for a while. “You look really…wet.”

‘Did I nearly say cute? Nearly, he is though, that’s for sure’.

“Yeah, I got soaked this morning, should’ve worn a hat.”

“No, wet suits you Rory, you look good with wet hair.” He gave me a sideways look and seemed a little unsure of how to take that comment. My good mood was starting to get me in to trouble.

“Only joking geezer, you look like a drown rat,” I said and took the opportunity to ruffle his hair, before he pushed my hand away and told me to get lost.

‘Good recovery, I need to be more careful in future’.

“Oh I see your lot won again on Saturday, they were so lucky,” I said changing the conversation to a topic that I knew would be appreciated.

“Lucky? We won four-nil, that’s not lucky.”

“Whatever, at least Arsenal won, they should make the top four now.”

“Yeah well they won’t win anything,” he said and laughed. “What are you doing Saturday?”

“I’m not sure yet,” I said, surprised by his sudden enthusiasm. “Why?”

“Do you wanna go see a baseball game, I mean a real game…in Toronto?”

“A real game?”

“Yeah, you know a major league game. My dad’s taking me to see the Blue Jays at the Roger’s Centre, if you wanna come along, it’ll be really cool, they’re playing the New York Yankees. He won’t mind, have you ever been to see a real baseball game before?” His face was glowing with boyish excitement and it was contagious, I couldn’t help smiling with him and when my eyes locked into his, it was difficult to turn him down.

“I dunno Rory, I’d really like to but…”

“Come on, I can text my dad and ask him to grab another ticket, he won’t mind, you’ll really enjoy it and you can see some of Toronto too, we can pick you up on Saturday morning, pleeeeease, you’ll have a good time, I promise.”

“I might have something else to do on Saturday,” I said, but one more look into those dark pleading eyes, was enough to change my mind.

‘Maybe I can ask Nathan out on Sunday instead’.

“Okay mate, I’ll have to ask Don, but I don’t think it’ll be a problem. Are you sure your dad won’t mind?”

“Wow, great, yeah I’m sure, he won’t mind, it’ll be so cool,” he said and he put his arm around me and gave me a quick and very friendly squeeze, that had me looking around nervously as we walked into class.

Rory kept me amused as we worked together throughout our science lesson, with talk about our weekend outing, but the closer that it got to lunchtime the more my thoughts turned towards Nathan and the prospect of seeing him again in the flesh. It had been a little over eighteen hours since I had last seen him, I had counted and I probably could have worked out the minutes too as I entered the cafeteria with my legs suddenly turning to jelly. My eyes found him straight away sitting as expected with Ginny and a couple of his other friends. He saw me too and I was certain that he had been watching out for me just as eagerly. My heart jumped as our eyes met and once again the world seemed to stop. He smiled and I found myself beaming back at him, almost trance like, as I joined the back of the line to get some food. I think that we both knew that it would be impossible to talk, but I had nothing new to say to him anyway. The lingering look that we gave each other was more than enough and he offered up a cute wave as I walked across the cafeteria, passing as close to his table as I dared, before taking my seat next to a suspicious looking Fran.

I was forced to sit with my back towards Nathan and we were the full width of the cafeteria apart, which may have been a blessing. Every now and then however, I would strain my neck to catch a quick glance at him and whenever I did this, he always seemed to know and look back at me straight away. I found this strange and amusing, it was as if he had some kind of sixth sense that would let him know when I was about to look over. Or was he simply watching me all the time. I made a mental note to ask him this the next time that we were alone, which probably wouldn’t be until Thursday.

‘I could call him; he already told me I could do that. I don’t wanna creep him out or anything, but it would be really cool to talk on the phone to him, I bet he sounds super cute on the phone. Maybe I could even jerk off. STOPPIT! That would really freak him out. I need to think of something else’.

It was difficult, the alternative was listening to Fran interact with her friends Laura and Maxine. They were talking about something they had watched on television, which I had no interest in and discussing how cute the leading actor was, which I did have an interest in, but couldn’t show it in front of them. I was messing around with the bowl of pasta that I had just bought and now couldn’t eat. The sight of Nathan had caused me to lose my appetite almost immediately, this boy was beginning to have a detrimental effect on my health.

‘I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate on anything and now I can’t eat either. What next’?

I giggled out loud, getting the unwanted attention of all three girls. It didn’t matter, I had never felt as good in my life, as I gave them a sloppy grin and tried to avoid any lingering eye contact. Fran rolled her eyes at me and then turned her attention back to her friends. Every so often she would look at me to give me a quick smile or hold my hand under the table and give it a little squeeze, just to let me know that she was still thinking of me. She loved to touch me whenever she could and not just the naughty parts either. I found it amusing that she could be so interested in bits of me, that I had never really considered before to be interesting, like my ears for example or my fingers. She must have known every inch of my body, better even than I did and it was things like this that I liked most about her. I can honestly say that I enjoyed these perfectly innocent yet intimate touches, more than having sex with her. Mostly because when it came down to the really naughty stuff, I was always so worried about being able to please her, that it was a bit of a chore. I was always frightened that she would suddenly work me out halfway through making love and was generally relieved once I had finished and had done my duty as expected. There were times, like at the cinema when it hadn't been easy for me to do this and had to work hard just to make it over the finishing line.

I’m not saying that I didn’t enjoy sex with Fran because I obviously did. It was just that it sometimes took a bit of work to get there that’s all. I was a poor lover and I knew it too, at least as far as the opposite sex was concerned. Fran never seemed disappointed, but that was probably more down to inexperience on her part. It was still a novelty to her, but the honeymoon period wouldn’t last forever, I knew that for sure. At the time though, it was clear that she had a real fascination with my penis and everything that came out of it. Sometimes it seemed as if she couldn’t get enough of the stuff and lately she had started to acquire a taste for it as well.

“Are you OK Robbie?” she said, waking me up from my daydream, “we’re not keeping you awake are we?”

“No, I’m fine,” I said, as the three of them once again turned their attention to me.

“Leave him alone Fran,” said Laura, “he must be bored of listening to girl’s talk.” Fran gave my hand a quick squeeze, before gently rubbing the inside of my thigh and giving me a sweet smile.

“Do you want to go and talk to Rory?” she said.

“Nah it’s okay Fran, I prefer to be here with you,” I said. I was only trying to sound friendly, but it came out a little too mushy and I regretted it straight away.

“Ah that’s nice,” said the girls, almost in unison.

“He’s so sweet isn’t he,” said Fran. I cringed and looked away.

“He’s adorable Fran,” said Maxine, “where did you find him? I gotta get myself a cute English guy.” I gave her a bashful smile and yawned as I lowered my head onto my arms that were folded on the table.

“He’s tired,” said Laura, “you must be wearing him out Fran,” and they all laughed.

“I heard that English guys aren’t into sex,” said Maxine.

“I wouldn’t believe everything you hear,” said Fran and I imagined a cheeky grin across her face. I started to blush again, but kept my head down. “Robbie’s more than capable in that department.” Laura and Maxine didn’t need any encouragement to get loud and dirty.

“Way to go Robbie,” said Maxine.

“You can visit me anytime lover boy,” said Laura.

“Can we share him?” asked Maxine.

“No way,” said Fran, “I have exclusive rights to his body.” As she said this as if to emphasise her point she moved her hand up my thigh and gently squeezed my crotch. I went cold.

‘Sorry Fran but not anymore’.

“Oh can’t I take him home for one night?” asked Maxine and as chuffed as I was by this offer, I also hoped that she was joking.

“Err, I’m still here you know,” I said as I lifted my head, with just a hint of a wry smile accompanying my comment. As gay as I was, I couldn’t deny that I was enjoying the attention of the three girls, as well as the opportunity to focus on someone other than Nathan. I caught Fran’s eye for a few seconds as we stood up to leave and I smiled at her, trying to read the look that she gave me. I was sure that she knew, under all the pretence, that it was over. We really needed to talk, but it would have to wait. I questioned myself on the way back to class.

‘Do I find her physically attractive? Yes, I do for a girl that is. Does she excite me sexually when I think about her? Sometimes, but not always. Do I find her as attractive as Nathan? NO. Definitely not, nobody can top him in that department. What things do I like most about Fran? Her personality, her intelligence, the way that she takes control and organises everything. Have I ever jerked off thinking about Fran? No not ever, but it’s not through lack of trying. The closest that I’ve come is getting a hard on. Have I ever jerked off thinking about Nathan? I won’t even bother trying to count’.

I had enjoyed dating Fran and I felt that I had honestly given it my best shot but this wasn’t where my heart lay. Like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole it was never going to work for me and no matter how hard in tried to convince myself that I was straight, it was never meant to be. I could probably have carried on pretending for a while, but she would eventually have found me out and when she did our relationship would surely have come to an end, it was only a matter of time. The choice that I had was perfectly clear, if I let this opportunity with Nathan go then I would always regret it. I knew that he would soon find somebody else to share his time and love with, someone that perfect wouldn’t have to wait too long to find a boyfriend. However, I seriously doubted that I would ever be lucky enough to find someone like him again, not even if I searched for the rest of my life.

Although I would always look back fondly on our short time together, I was beginning to wish that we had never got together with Fran in the first place. It sounds crazy, but I think that I actually liked Fran too much to get into a serious relationship with her. I should have realised that I was never going to be able to be straight and that any relationship I had with a girl, was never going to last longer than the time that it took for me to meet the right boy. If this whole episode were to end up as nothing more than a teenage experiment, then it would have been better for me to have dated someone who I didn’t like as much.

‘Maybe I should’ve just done it with Naomi, even if only to piss off Nicola’.

I just didn’t like the idea of hurting Fran, but I sure then that that was what would happen.

‘We could have been best friends forever. That was what I wanted her to be, it’s what I always imagined that she would be, my best friend, not my girlfriend’.

* * * * *

That evening I did my very best to keep my mind off Nathan and on my French homework, but the fictional lives of Francois and Antoinette in my cheesy textbook were no match for the very real and exciting developments taking place in my own life. I had been glancing at my pink phone for the past hour trying to think of an excuse to call him. I was hoping that he would call me first, but I knew somehow that he wouldn’t, he had no need to. The text from the previous night had put the ball firmly back in my court and even though I had nothing new to tell him, I still felt the need to communicate. I think that I just needed to hear his voice, if only to reassure myself that all of this was actually real. I needed to know that he was still interested and that he hadn’t been whisked away by some other cute closeted boy from school. I had no idea what I was going to say to him but the minute Daniel left the room to go upstairs, I grabbed the phone and held down the ‘N’ button.

‘Is it too late to call him? I wonder what time he goes to bed. What am I going to say? Shit, it’s ringing, I can’t back out now’.

It rang for the longest time and I got more nervous with every ring, frightened that I was disturbing him or worst still waking him. He answered before I could hang up.

“Hiya Robbie.” His voice was super cute, low and sexy and it put me at ease straight away. He didn’t sound the least bit put out that I had called him, in fact he sounded as if he was pleased to hear from me and I was certainly pleased to hear him. Now all I had to do was to make some kind of conversation without sounding like a complete idiot.

“Hello mate, it’s Robbie.”

“I know,” he said, giggling down the phone, it wasn’t a very good start.

“Oh, err yeah, hi. Is this a bad time to call?”

“No, of course not, it’s cool of you to call me.”

“Oh, really?” I said.

“Yeah, I told you to call me. I was starting to think that you were telephobic.”

“Oh no, ha. I was gonna call you before, but I bottled out.”

“You did what?”

“Oh, I bottled out…lost my nerve, it’s cockney slang. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s funny,” he said, “I like it, maybe you can teach me some cockney.”

“Ha ha, not with an accent like yours,” I said, “it would sound a bit naff.”

“Wait a minute dude, you’re the one with the accent.”

“No,” I said, “I haven’t got an accent, you have.”

“Okay, I guess everyone has an accent, but yours is really cool.”

“You think so?”

“Yes,” he whispered, “and you know what else?”

“What?”

“I think it’s sexy too.”

“Wow, do you mean it?”

“Of course I mean it, didn’t you read my text.”

“Yes I did,” I said, “I read it lots of times.”

“Have you deleted it?”

“No, I haven’t finished reading it yet.”

“But you just said, oh never mind, but you should delete it in case somebody decides to read your messages.” He had a very good point and it was something that I hadn’t even considered. Tom and I rarely sent each other text messages and if we did, they would never contain anything incriminating. Fran often sent me sexy messages which I hardly ever deleted but our relationship was very much out in the open. I would have been embarrassed had somebody read them, but it wouldn’t have been a disaster for either of us.

“I suppose you’re right,” I said giggling, “I’ll delete it, I don’t want to get you into trouble.”

‘I can remember it word for word anyway’.

“I’m already in trouble, it’s you I’m worried about, dork.”

“You’re not in trouble…you’re gorgeous.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” he said laughing, “but I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“I don’t even know why I said that.”

“You’re weird.”

“Me too.”

“You’re crazy.”

“So am I.”

“You make me laugh.”

“So do you.”

“Ha ha, I’m glad you called dude. You cheered me up, I was just sitting here bored.” As he said that, the bedroom door opened and Daniel strolled in. He closed the door behind him, walked over to the far side of the room and casually pulled off his t-shirt. I could have talked to Nathan forever but it was time to end the call.

“I gotta go,” I said.

“Ohhhhhh, I was just getting warmed up,” he said in a voice that sounded so cute, it was difficult for me to think of anything to say. “You can’t talk can you?”

“No, not really,” I said.

“Is Daniel there with you?”

“Yes, but I can call you again…sometime.”

“Well I certainly hope so, you know that you can call me anytime you want, right? And you can always come and sit with us at lunch, if you can get away that is.” I knew what he was getting at and I cringed a bit at the obvious insinuation. With Daniel in the room, I wasn’t able to properly explain to him either, so I bit my lip and hoped that he would be able to read between the lines.

“I can’t at the moment, but things will be different soon, I promise.”

“I understand dude…really I do, okay. Sweet dreams sexy.”

“Yeah goodnight,” and he was gone. I sighed and looked towards Daniel who was standing naked by his bed, he had his back to me and I was unable to resist staring at his cute rounded backside until it covered again with a fresh pair of boxers.

‘He called me sexy, I think that he really thinks that too’?