Web Guys - 25. Chapter 25

Inexperienced

From Alan: Just be careful what you learn, from who, and how quickly. You’re too good-looking to waste that face.

From Inexperienced: That is very sweet, but a little late. Pretty jaded and bitter already. But thank you.

From Alan: Why are you jaded already?

From Inexperienced: Guys I met. Guys who took advantage of me. Guys who think that because I’m inexperienced, I’m stupid.

From Alan: That’s too bad. You’re too young to feel that way. Though your face does make you look like you grew up on a farm.

From Inexperienced: I grew up in Iowa City. My parents both have Ph.Ds, and I’m in grad school.

From Alan: Then why does anyone think you’re stupid?

From Inexperienced: ‘Cause I look like their idea of a farm boy.

From Alan: And growing up in Iowa City, why do you say you’re inexperienced?

From Inexperienced: Only with guys. I stay away from them because I want them too much. And I stay away from women because they want me and I don’t know how to politely back them off.

From Alan: You seem to be explaining it fine.

From Inexperienced: For one thing, I don’t know you, so it’s easier. For another, it’s just words, and I’m okay with words.

From Alan: But not in front of people?

From Inexperienced: I’m not shy. No one would say that about me. But I can’t tell women I’m gay because I’m not ready, and I can’t hang out with them as friends because they won’t stay that way.

From Alan: But you like hanging out with women?

From Inexperienced: The bright ones. The funny ones. Not the ones that are just into themselves.

From Alan: That’s true for almost anyone.

From Inexperienced: Not the guys I know. Not the guys I like. You show them tits and they’re drooling. You show them pussy and they’re nuts.

From Alan: Straight guys?

From Inexperienced: I don’t know many gay guys who like tits.

From Alan: How many gay guys do you know?

From Inexperienced: I know a number. But I’m not friends with any of them.

From Alan: Why?

From Inexperienced: Because I don’t want to be identified as gay until I know what I’m doing.

From Alan: You’re making this very hard on yourself.

From Inexperienced: I know.

From Alan: Have you had sex at all?

From Inexperienced: Some.

From Alan: Men first or women?

From Inexperienced: How did you know I slept with women?

From Alan: You sound like you’ve been in some complicated relationships, and you’re only 22. There are damn few guys who haven’t had sex by that age, and your natural outlet’s been women.

From Inexperienced: You nailed it.

From Alan: Without getting personal, how much experience do you have with men?

From Inexperienced: I’ve blown some.

From Alan: Straight guys?

From Inexperienced: No. Older gay men I’ve men in bars in Des Moines.

From Alan: You go to school there?

From Inexperienced: I went to school in Providence. I’ll be going to Ithaca in the fall. I drive to Des Moines to have sex because I don’t know anyone there.

From Alan: And no guy’s offered to take you home?

From Inexperienced: I’ve been home with a number of them. That’s mostly where I’ve blown them.

From Alan: And they let it go at that?

From Inexperienced: Once they’d shot, that’s all they cared for. They were usually pretty drunk anyway. One guy passed out before I was finished.

From Alan: You have had fun.

From Inexperienced: Don’t make fun of me.

From Alan: I’m sorry. I do that accidentally but too often.

From Inexperienced: It’s okay. I’m a little tense about sex.

From Alan: What are you looking for?

From Inexperienced: This summer? An anonymous affair.

From Alan: How are you going to manage that? I assume you’re living at home.

From Inexperienced: Yeah, but I’ve got a little money saved, and a car. I can tell my folks I’m going to visit friends, and they won’t care.

From Alan: I’m sure they care.

From Inexperienced: They won’t mind.

From Alan: That’s better.

From Inexperienced: Hell, I’ve been through college. I’ve been away for years. I’ve got a younger sister and brother for my folks to worry about.

From Alan: Do either of them know you’re gay?

From Inexperienced: My sister and brother? I doubt it. I’m not sure anyone knows I’m gay except the guys I’ve sucked off.

From Alan: Maybe you should tell someone.

From Inexperienced: That’s why I’m online.

From Alan: In what area?

From Inexperienced: All over the country. I write guys in places I’ve never been to or cities I haven’t seen.

From Alan: Have you traveled much?

From Inexperienced: My folks believe in family vacations.

From Alan: Disneyworld?

From Inexperienced: More intellectual stuff. DC for the monuments. NY for the museums. Chicago for the architecture. And Boston for the schools

From Alan: Ph.Ds.

From Inexperienced: Yeah, I’d laugh, but I’m going to be one.

From Alan: And spend your life teaching?

From Inexperienced: I hope not. I’ve watched my parents do that, and I can’t stand the politics. I hope research.

From Alan: Where?

From Inexperienced: Some place larger than Iowa City and not a college town.

From Alan: From what I hear, Ithaca’s pretty isolated.

From Inexperienced: No worse than Providence. You wouldn’t think that, but it is. It’s kind of Dubuque.

From Alan: I know a very hot guy in the Quad Cities.

From Inexperienced: He’s probably the only one.

From Alan: OK, you made me laugh.

From Inexperienced: I don’t normally have that effect on people. I get a lot of “You’re very intense.”

From Alan: From women?

From Inexperienced: I don’t let guys that close. I told you.

From Alan: Still, I bet they like that. The women. Your intensity. That came out backward.

From Inexperienced: I don’t know what you mean.

From Alan: I’m an English teacher – I used to be. I still want my pronouns to have antecedents.

From Inexperienced: What do you do now?

From Alan: I’m still in education.

From Inexperienced: Another Ph.D.?

From Alan: Not one I’ll cop to, but yeah. It’s in education. Ph.D.-lite. And I’ve got a second Master’s in public administration that lets me compete.

From Inexperienced: Tell me you’re my father.

From Alan: Yeah, I’m your father, and I want to suck you off, and I’ve been hiding it all these years.

From Inexperienced: You really want to suck me off?

From Alan: You skipped right past the rest of it.

From Inexperienced: It’s bullshit. You really want to suck me off?

From Alan: I don’t ordinarily do that to kids half my age.

From Inexperienced: Kids?

From Alan: Sorry. Never call a kid a kid. It’s alienating.

From Inexperienced: But you really want to suck me off?

From Alan: You keep coming back to that.

From Inexperienced: Do you?

From Alan: I don’t know you. I’ve seen one picture of your good-looking face, and based on that, I’m not about to stick your dick in my mouth.

From Inexperienced: That’s all I was getting at.

From Alan: Why?

From Inexperienced: Curious.

From Alan: You want to suck me off?

From Inexperienced: Yes.

From Alan: Why?

From Inexperienced: Because it’s what I do with guys.

From Alan: Have you ever had your clothes off with them?

From Inexperienced: In the showers. In locker rooms.

From Alan: In high school.

From Inexperienced: College, too.

From Alan: So the answer is no.

From Inexperienced: The answer is no.

From Alan: Are you sure you’re gay?

From Inexperienced: You’re making fun of me again.

From Alan: I’m trying to make you relax.

From Inexperienced: Another way of calling me intense.

From Alan: Did I tell you I’m married?

From Inexperienced: No. And why are you telling me now?

From Alan: To show you the difficulty of sucking me off.

From Inexperienced: Then why are you writing me?

From Alan: If you remember, I started with a warning.

From Inexperienced: Because you thought I was a farm boy.

From Alan: Yes.

From Inexperienced: Now you know I’m not and you can quit writing.

From Alan: The only thing that’s changed is you weren’t raised on a farm.

From Inexperienced: I’m not naive, either. I just don’t have a lot of experience with guys.

From Alan: And you’re looking for a summer romance.

From Inexperienced: I don’t need the love. That makes it too complicated. I just want to be with men.

From Alan: Somewhere no one knows you.

From Inexperienced: Yeah.

From Alan: Get in your car and drive to San Francisco.

From Inexperienced: I’ve thought about that. Seems safer than Provincetown or Fire Island.

From Alan: Why?

From Inexperienced: Because you only go to Fire Island or Provincetown to have sex. There are lots of things to do in San Francisco.

From Alan: What would your folks think?

From Inexperienced: That’s the thing. I can’t think of one reason I’d be in San Francisco.

From Alan: A college friend?

From Inexperienced: I don’t have any there.

From Alan: Make one up. A woman, if that’s easier. Or tell them there’s a conference you want to go to, and once you get there, let it drag out.

From Inexperienced: That’s not the worst idea.

From Alan: You know how few gay men there are in Iowa?

From Inexperienced: Well, if it’s 10% of the population...

From Alan: That would be 300,000, and that would include gay women. So say it’s 150,000 spread from babies to old guys, and say that knocks out 3/4's of your range. So you’re hanging around this summer hoping to meet one guy in 40,000, and if you look at all the web sites all over the state, you won’t find close to that many.

From Inexperienced: Where are they all?

From Alan: I have no idea. But I’ve been meeting guys online for as long as there’s been a way, and it’s a very small pool.

From Inexperienced: Why online?

From Alan: Because I have a kind of public career.

From Inexperienced: What do you do?

From Alan: Let’s just leave it that I’m in education.

From Inexperienced: Would I know you?

From Alan: I doubt it.

From Inexperienced: Then why won’t you tell me?

From Alan: Because I’m married, and I don’t want to wreck that.

From Inexperienced: Why? If you’re not happy...

From Alan: I never said that.

From Inexperienced: Then why are you looking for guys?

From Alan: Because I like having sex with them.

From Inexperienced: And you don’t like having sex with your wife?

From Alan: I like that, too.

From Inexperienced: So you’re bi?

From Alan: You can call me that if it makes you comfortable.

From Inexperienced: How do you think of yourself?

From Alan: I don’t. I taught myself not to a long time ago,

From Inexperienced: Sounds like you’re as confused as I am.

From Alan: But not inexperienced.

From Inexperienced: Was that supposed to be a joke?

From Alan: At least you’re recognizing them.

From Inexperienced: You still sound confused.

From Alan: I’m not. I’m very happy.

From Inexperienced: Or denying what you are.

From Alan: I’m not doing that, either.

From Inexperienced: Then what are you doing?

From Alan: Living a perfectly normal life and occasionally having sex outside my marriage.

From Inexperienced: Does your wife know?

From Alan: I don’t think so.

From Inexperienced: Would she divorce you if she did?

From Alan: I don’t know.

From Inexperienced: There goes your normal life.

From Alan: I’m aware of that.

From Inexperienced: And it doesn’t tear you up?

From Alan: A lot less than not having sex with guys. That wouldn’t let me function.

From Inexperienced: All that sneaking around.

From Alan: You’d be surprised how little I sneak

From Inexperienced: You don’t sleep with many guys?

From Alan: I mean it’s comparatively easy.

From Inexperienced: How?

From Alan: Busy people have busy lives. You can fit in a lot when it all gets lost in the details.

From Inexperienced: So you have fast sex with an occasional guy you hope will keep your secrets.

From Alan: Not especially fast. When I do something, I try to do it well.

From Inexperienced: I don’t like this future.

From Alan: You might not like women as much as I do.

From Inexperienced: I like women.

From Alan: But you’re not attracted to them.

From Inexperienced: Not primarily.

From Alan: Then you’re not heading into this kind of life.

From Inexperienced: If you could stop it, would you?

From Alan: I can’t. I don’t even think about it.

From Inexperienced: And I don’t think I’d live in Cedar Rapids and try this. It’s too small.

From Alan: That’s why there are cars.

From Inexperienced: If I had an apartment, would you come see me?

From Alan: You don’t.

From Inexperienced: But if I did?

From Alan: I’d meet you for coffee first.

From Inexperienced: Is that what you usually do?

From Alan: Almost never. Normally, I meet guys online, and we figure out if we want to go further.

From Inexperienced: Then you don’t talk at all?

From Alan: Sometimes. I have a number of good friends I’ve met online.

From Inexperienced: What does your wife think?

From Alan: First, we have openly gay friends. Second, she doesn’t know these men.

From Inexperienced: Why?

From Alan: Most of them are outside our social life. Either geographically or by profession.

From Inexperienced: So you’re an elitist.

From Alan: Not in bed.

From Inexperienced: Why would you meet me for coffee first?

From Alan: Because you’re special.

From Inexperienced: A kid?

From Alan: A very intelligent young man.

From Inexperienced: Thanks.

From Alan: And I don’t think you’d really want to have sex with me. There’s no way it would be a summer romance. But I’m curious.

From Inexperienced: Why?

From Alan: Because you’re a good-looking, bright kid. That’s 2/3s of the reasons I like to see a guy naked.

From Inexperienced: Aha!

From Alan: Aha what?

From Inexperienced: Got you.

From Alan: Maybe. Yeah. I’m a sucker for good-looking guys.

From Inexperienced: No matter their age?

From Alan: If we really had sex, you’d be the youngest man I ever slept with. At least, since I was your age.

From Inexperienced: Too many disclaimers.

From Alan: Then pick them apart.

From Inexperienced: It’s not worth it And I know what you mean. I’m just trying to relax.

From Alan: I probably wouldn’t have sex with you anyway.

From Inexperienced: So now you’re backing down.

From Alan: Yeah. And leave it alone.

From Inexperienced: Well, what would you do if you were me?

From Alan: I know very little about you.

From Inexperienced: What would you have done at my age if you knew you were only gay.

From Alan: Pretty much what I did. I slept with guys in college. I slept with them in grad school. Then I got married, and for a while I stopped sleeping around.

From Inexperienced: Why’d you suddenly get married?

From Alan: It wasn’t sudden. I’d always dated women. Always had one close relationship.

From Inexperienced: Women you were sleeping with?

From Alan: Yes.

From Inexperienced: While you slept with guys?

From Alan: Yes.

From Inexperienced: This is all bullshit.

From Alan: Why would I make it up?

From Inexperienced: Your whole life is bullshit. Why would I take advice from you?

From Alan: I never asked you to.

From Inexperienced: You started by giving me advice.

From Alan: All I said was “Be careful.”

From Inexperienced: Which you’re not doing.

From Alan: I’m being incredibly careful.

From Inexperienced: If I found out who you are, I could blow the whole thing with a phone call.

From Alan: Well, now you have something to do this summer.

From Inexperienced: You’re not worried?

From Alan: No. Life isn’t that complicated. At least, mine isn’t. If my wife found out, I’m sure we’d have a lot of very long conversations, and both our lives would change. But I bet they wouldn’t change that much, and I bet we’d stay together.

From Inexperienced: Why?

From Alan: Because we love each other. And we love our daughters. And that’s more important than my occasional, very safe, very discrete sex.

From Inexperienced: So it’s an open relationship?

From Alan: Again, you’re making this too complicated. And you’re making me more interesting than I am.

From Inexperienced: I’m trying to understand.

From Alan: Stop working so hard, and spend the summer naked.

From Inexperienced: That’s you advice?

From Alan: Yeah.

From Inexperienced: If I’d be dumb enough to take it.

From Alan: And I’d take Provincetown over your other choices. Just tell your parents you have friends on the Cape, and don’t tell them where.

From Inexperienced: Then what?

From Alan: Rent a room. Find a job. For all I know, you can still sleep on the beach. But we’re a long way from O’Neill and the ‘20s.

From Inexperienced: What?

From Alan: Obviously, you’re not an English major.

From Inexperienced: No.

From Alan: It’s not worth explaining. But I’d take Provincetown.

From Inexperienced: Why?

From Alan: Stopping asking yourself “Why” and get off your fucking butt. Then you’ll understand.

From Inexperienced: Now I’ve pissed you off.

From Alan: Not so much that as it’s late.

From Inexperienced: I’ve been staying up all night since I got home. It makes my folks crazy. They keep asking if I’m going to waste the summer.

From Alan: Academics.

From Inexperienced: I know. I’ve told them I just finished college – I’m allowed to do nothing. But they didn’t, so they don’t believe me.

From Alan: Why’d you come back?

From Inexperienced: Because I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

From Alan: What did you do other summers?

From Inexperienced: Internships.

From Alan: The joys of college today. Why didn’t you do an internship this summer?

From Inexperienced: Because I’m set for grad school, and I just wanted sex.

From Alan: And you chose Iowa City?

From Inexperienced: I knew that was a mistake. But it was easy. And it was cheap. And I like my family.

From Alan: Then either start hanging around gay guys your age at the university and open up to your folks. Or get out of Iowa and go someplace you don’t have to explain.

From Inexperienced: Provincetown.

From Alan: Yeah.

From Inexperienced: It’s only June. I could probably have fun.

From Alan: Just relax. I’m not saying be stupid. But you look innocent. Don’t fight it.

From Inexperienced: Keep my mouth shut?

From Alan: That would make some things difficult. But stop analyzing.

From Inexperienced: That’s harder than sleeping with women.

From Alan: Just get your clothes off with a guy. Once your body’s busy, you’re mind tends to relax.

From Inexperienced: Is that why people like sex?

From Alan: One of the 4 trillion reasons.

From Inexperienced: Is that why you like it?

From Alan: I’ve always been able to relax. I like it for other reasons.

From Inexperienced: Like?

From Alan: Kid, you’re wearing me out.

From Inexperienced: I’m sorry.

From Alan: Just leave a note for your folks and get in your car. By morning, you’ll be in Ohio.

From Inexperienced: My family doesn’t work that way.

From Alan: Go.

From Inexperienced: We talk everything out.

From Alan: Go.

From Inexperienced: They’ll never understand.

From Alan: Go!

From Inexperienced: It’s a good idea, but I couldn’t do it.

From Alan: Then you’re setting yourself up for a lot of frustration – for no reason. Though if it helps any, I often work with people in their 20s, just starting their careers. There’s so much they want to do, and prove, and nothing happens fast enough.

From Inexperienced: That’s not my problem.

From Alan: That’s why it’s important to have friends and family – people you can depend on. And that’s all the advice I can give you without throwing up. So take care.

From Inexperienced: You’re a very sweet man, and a lot of what you said makes sense.

From Alan: Actually I’m an asshole, just like the guys who’ve made you jaded. You’ve got a good face, and I’ve nothing to lose by talking to you because it’s unlikely we’ll ever meet. But I hate being called sweet. It makes me want to strip a guy, toss him on a bed, and fuck him till he’s dry.

From Inexperienced: All I want is your experience.

From Alan: Then go get it.

From Inexperienced: In Provincetown?

From Alan: Anywhere. Just start.

From Inexperienced: I know.

From Alan: There are a lot of nice guys. I hope, eventually, you’ll meet one and settle in.

From Inexperienced: There’s nothing for me here. I know that.
.
From Alan: Then go. In a place like Provincetown, a guy who looks like you will attract a lot of men. If you’re careful, you can figure out what you want – while you’re having fun.

From Inexperienced: You’re right.

From Alan: Go.

From Inexperienced: I’ll try.

From Alan: Good night.

From Inexperienced: You’re not going to wish me luck?

From Alan: I already have.