The Cockney Canuck - 39. Chapter 39 The Ball Game

I was up and ready early on Saturday morning for what was to be my first trip to the city and only the second time away from Cobourg. Despite the dark cloud still hanging over me from the day before, caused by my break-up with Fran, I was still determined to make the most of the opportunity to spend some quality time with my friend Rory and Daniel. I still felt bad about Fran, even after my chat with Nathan and even though I was certain that I was doing the right thing, both for her and for me. She hadn't taken it well, which hurt me too and as much as I tried to gloss over it, it would eat away at me for the whole day.

It started sunny, but still a little fresh; not yet warm enough to go out without a jacket, but an improvement on the previous few days. Rory had called me as I was getting dressed to let me know that they would be picking us up at ten, so at nine I decided to yank the duvet off of Daniel to wake him. He was wearing his boxers, but it was still funny watching him curl up in a ball, I assume to try to hide his morning wood from me. This was something that I wouldn't have dreamed of doing even just a month before, so I guess it was a good indication of how well I was settling in. I still felt like a bit of an outsider as far as the family as a whole was concerned, but there was something very brotherly about the way that he called me a ‘frigging jerk’ and told me to ‘get lost’. It also made me wonder what I would have to do to make him swear. Daniel hardly ever swore, even when we were alone and there was no chance of him having to donate a loonie to the swear box. That box had been slowly filling up and as Daniel himself had predicted, most of it had come from my pocket.

‘Who cares, it’s not as if I haven’t got the money to swear’.

Sometimes I would do it just to annoy Nicola and it generally made me feel better, but often I would do it without even thinking and it was these times when I usually got into trouble. The swear box, I knew, had been devised entirely for me, but thus far hadn't worked and I could see that Don and Sue were fast giving up on finding ways to curb my excessive foul language. I was constantly riding my luck with them, but I enjoyed it, it gave me a thrill, just seeing how far I was able to push them and watching Nicola’s reaction to it all, was a bonus.

I was in a good mood as I sat on my bed furtively watching Daniel get dressed from his shower, whilst pretending to leaf through an old baseball magazine that he had been showing me the night before. I had to reprimand myself as I felt a small rising in my briefs.

‘This boy is supposed to be my brother for fuck sake, I thought I was past perving on him. He does have a nice ass though; no doubt about it and cute little nipples. I need some boy sex’.

I decided that since that was out of the question, then I would try my best to get Daniel to swear at me instead, by annoying the hell out him as we waited by the front door for Rory’s dad to pick us up. I was back to my mischievous best, grabbing his sides, poking him and pulling at his jacket.

“Stop it you freak, what’s wrong with you today?” he said and I laughed.

“Freak is that it? Tell me to fuck off Daniel, please, I wanna hear you swear’.

“I like you Daniel, that’s all. I think you’re really cool,” I said and smirked at him. He glared at me for a couple of seconds before shaking his head with a sly smile.

“I know I am,” he said with a chuckle, “but you can like me from a distance…weirdo.”

I stood behind him and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him close. “Ah but I know you love me really,” I said as he tried to worm his way free of the unwanted embrace.

“Get off me!”

“Robbie, stop bugging,” said Sue from the kitchen.

“I’m not bugging, I’m loving him,” I said, squeezing him tight and breathing in his fresh soapy aroma as he let out a loud grunt. He had given up squirming, rolled his eyes and accepted his fate.

“He’s trying to rape me,” said Daniel with a smirk and I laughed as his mom reprimanded him for being rude and Nicola in passing, gave us a suspicious look.

“You’re supposed to put up a fight,” I said into his ear.

“Stoppit,” he said, giggling as he resumed his attempt to wriggle free.

“Robbie and Daniel are having sex in the hallway mom,” said Nicola dryly, as she reached the kitchen. “There’s something wrong with those two; they’re always touching each other.”

“They’re boys dear,” replied Sue, “they’ll grow out of it.”

‘I wouldn’t bet on it’.

I was enjoying having Daniel at close quarters a little too much and quickly let him go before it became obvious. Then dead on ten, Rory arrived with his dad in a gleaming white Lexus and Daniel and I raced each other down the driveway to greet them, before jumping in the back.

“I think I liked you better when you weren’t so cheerful,” said an out of breath Daniel as I leaned into him.

“I’m just excited mate, I’ve never been to a baseball game before.”

“So you’re from London,” said Rory’s dad. He had an accent that I recognized and it took me by surprise at first, until I remembered that Rory’s family were from Manchester.

“Uh huh,” I nodded as he turned look at me from the driver’s seat.

“An Arsenal fan, I hear,” he said with a knowing smile, I knew what was coming next. “Not doing that well lately are they?” Rory looked back from the passenger seat and gave me a reassuring smile, but I didn’t need it. “Only pulling your leg lad, they’re a good team…probably could do with a new manager and a better goalkeeper though.”

“Maybe,” I said grinning. I didn’t necessarily agree with his views, but was happy to play along; he was after all taking us out for the day and had paid for all of our tickets including Daniel’s. English soccer allegiances run deep, but that day at least we would all be cheering for the same team, the Toronto Blue Jays.

Rory’s dad was a loud and imposing figure, but I found him interesting. Unlike Don, he hadn’t lost any of his English accent although it was clear that he had lived in Canada for a long time. It made me wonder if I would be the same.

‘Will I still be talking with a cockney accent in twenty years from now? Will I still be here in twenty years from now’?

I didn’t want to lose my accent, it was after all the only thing keeping me different from the rest and I liked that. As Daniel had predicted on the very first day, it was proving to be a valuable asset and I had so far made the most of it. I knew that Nathan liked it, even if he couldn’t totally understand me sometimes. He had even said that he thought it was sexy and that was quite a statement, coming from the sexiest boy that had ever walked the planet. Just the thought of him sent shivers up and down my spine and started those butterflies again in my stomach. It hadn’t taken long for Nathan to invade my thoughts once more. It was becoming a regular occurrence, no matter what I was doing or where I was, he was never far away.

‘I wonder what he’s doing today, what is he wearing. Is he still in his pyjamas, still in bed maybe, in the shower, barefoot around the house? Oh my God’.

I pressed my knees together and smiled sheepishly towards the boy sitting next to me, who was supposed to be Nathan’s best friend and my future brother.

‘How fucked up is this’?

My cheeks were burning; blushing as if Daniel was somehow able to read my mind. I tried once again to banish my crush from my thoughts at least until I was alone again and focused instead on Rory’s dad. He was big, both in height and girth and I couldn’t help wondering if Rory too had been adopted, as he bore no resemblance to the man who was driving.

‘His pretty face must come entirely from his mom’.

Rory seemed excited too, although I couldn’t help from wondering if he might have preferred it if it had just been the two of us. It didn’t seem to matter much to him though and he got on well with Daniel, despite the fact that I had never seen them talk at school.

His dad drove as far as Oshawa; a drab city on the eastern suburbs of Toronto, where we got the double-decker GO train to Union Station, just a brief and exciting walk away from the Rogers Centre. I liked Toronto and from what I was able to see, it was a pretty cool and bustling place, even for a Saturday. It was my first time in a big city since I had left London and it reminded me a lot of my former home. Traffic jams, noise and swarms of people, most of whom seemed to be heading in our direction, to the game. I breathed in the exhaust fumes, bumped shoulders with strangers and soaked up the grimy city atmosphere with a smile. I definitely liked the place and not just because it reminded me of home. It had its own vibe; different from London, a little more laid back and not so serious. I decided that I would go back there soon, to explore the city, maybe with Nathan and maybe even as boyfriends.

‘It’s like being back home. All that’s missing is Tom. My poor Tom, I hope you’re alright. I still miss you mate. I always will’.

I decided that I would Skype Tom in the morning to tell him about the ball game, even though he probably wouldn’t understand it. He was a big sports fan and I missed our Saturday afternoons together, listening to the football (soccer) commentary on the radio and cheering on our beloved Arsenal.

I guess Daniel must have noticed me go quiet all of a sudden. “Are you okay dude?” he asked, as we lined up to enter the ball park.

“Huh, yeah I’m fine mate…it’s just that this place,” I said, “it reminds me of home, London I mean.”

I half expected Daniel to give me the old lecture about how this was my home now. I had heard that far too many times already from Don and Sue, but I should have known better, because Daniel always seemed to understand. He gave me a sideways look and a smile.

“I guess you’re still homesick huh, it makes sense,” he said and he punched me playfully on the arm. Revenge no doubt, for the way that I had been bugging him all morning.

“Yeah maybe…It doesn’t matter, I’m good.”

‘I still love you Tom’.

At the game, I sat between the two boys and we jostled each other, joked around and talked incessantly throughout the three and a half hours it took the Blue Jays to lose to a very good New York Yankees team. The result was inconsequential to me, I was just pleased to be able to go to a major league game and the Rogers Centre was an exciting place to be, with plenty of talent on and off the field. Unlike soccer in England, baseball seemed to be much more of a family orientated sport and there were a lot of good looking teenage boys for me to stare at behind the relative safety of my sunglasses. I think however, that the hottest kid in the whole stadium, was the cute one that sat right next to me with the short blond hair. I loved the way that Rory would show his true personality when he was comfortable and around friends. In school his was way too withdrawn and quiet, but at the game he was bubbly, talkative and excitable. A couple of times I even caught him staring at me during breaks in the play and when I turned to look back at him, instead of looking away, he just giggled and gave me a huge boyish smile that sent me all goofy. I still couldn’t quite figure out his sexuality, but I don’t think that I wanted to either. I was afraid of finding out for certain that he was gay and that he liked me in that kind of way. It would have created a lot of problems, that I knew I wouldn’t have been able to handle at the time and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to resist an opportunity to get a little intimate with this sexy blond kid. I found it exciting enough just sitting next to him during the game, rubbing shoulders and legs and giving each other the occasional high five. He even hugged me when the Blue Jays got a home run and I thought for a second that he was going to kiss me as our cheeks touched. Instead he whispered in my ear.

“Thanks for coming today Robbie, it’s really cool having you here.”

“Thanks for asking me,” I replied and gave him a quick squeeze around the waist that I’m sure he enjoyed just as much as I did.

* * * * *

Rory’s dad turned out to be a nice bloke and was good fun, he even took us to a grubby looking diner for something to eat after the game, which was busy and frenetic. Our trip to Toronto had given me a whole different perspective of Canada, which up until then had been made up entirely from my experiences in Cobourg, a small, sleepy middle class town, far from anywhere. The city was completely different from where we lived; it was vibrant and colourful and there seemed to be so much going on. There were even homeless people on the sidewalk outside the diner where we sat, although that probably wasn’t a good thing.

“Hey Daniel,” I said poking him in the ribs, “what’s the best thing about dating homeless women?”

“I dunno.”

“You can drop them off anywhere.”

“That’s not funny dude,” he said.

“Crude,” agreed Rory who was digging into a hamburger.

“I’m only joking,” I said, “I feel sorry those people, I’m only one step away from the street myself remember.”

“How are you?” said Daniel laughing.

“Well if your mom and dad threw me out, then I’d be homeless too. I don’t have any other family.” I took a sip from my drink, as Daniel studied my face and shook his head.

“Robbie dude, my mom and dad would never throw you out, no matter what you did. You know that right? Just like they’ll never throw me out, or Nicola. And anyway soon they’re gonna be your mom and dad too remember.” I nodded and smiled in agreement, although I wasn’t quite as confident as Daniel was about my chances of remaining in the fold, not if news ever got out that I was in a gay relationship with his best friend. That was all hypothetical of course but with Fran out of the way, there was no longer anything to stop this from happening. I had met his one and only demand and now barring a complete catastrophe, I had a genuine shot of getting close to the boy of my dreams.

I noticed a hand waving in front of my face. “Robbie, are you still with us?” It was Rory getting my attention; once again I had zoned out, thinking of Nathan.

“Sorry mate, what was that?” I said as Rory and his dad laughed at me.

“What’s the matter?” asked Rory.”

“He’s been acting weird all day,” said Daniel.

“Nothing’s wrong,” I insisted, “just thinking that’s all.”

“Shit, that’s dangerous,” said Daniel.

“YEAH! You swore,” I said as I jumped up from my seat and grabbed Daniel’s arm to hold it aloft. “I finally got you to do it and it only took what seven and a half hours or whatever.” I was beaming at what I considered a triumph, but understandably nobody else got the joke.

“See what I mean,” said Daniel, “he’s crazy for sure.”

“But he loves me,” I said.

“I don’t love you,” said Daniel and he blushed as his eyes darted around the crowded diner.

“Sure you do,” I said, “we get in the bath together you know.” I looked towards Rory as I said that and his eyes looked as if they were about to pop out of his head. “Don’t deny it, there’s photographic evidence.”

“That was when we were about three years old dork,” said Daniel pushing me away and laughing.

* * * * *

On the first leg of the journey home, I sat next to Daniel on the train, leaving Rory with his dad in the seats in front of us. It allowed me some alone time with Daniel, to ask him about Nathan’s birthday party, the following Thursday after school.

“You’re still going aren’t you?” he asked. “Because Nathan really wants you to be there.” It was something that I already knew.

“Yeah of course, it’s nice that he asked me.”

“He thinks you’re cool,” said Daniel, “although I don’t know why.”

“I am cool,” I said.

“He probably just wants to jump you dude.” Daniel laughed and elbowed me playfully in the ribs. “I’d be careful if I were you.”

“No way.” I was trying hard not to sound excited by his comment, even if it was meant as a joke. I could feel my face heat up in a blush, it would have been so obvious and I was sure that Daniel noticed.

“I know he likes you dude,” he teased.

I elbowed him back, only a little harder. “Get out of it!”

“Serious.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“Not in so many words, but I can tell when he likes someone.”

“You’re pulling my leg,” I said.

“Nathan wants to pull something else, if you let him,” said Daniel and he rolled up laughing, causing Rory to look over the back of his seat at us to see what was so funny.

Daniel had no idea how important this conversation was to me at that time, or how good it made me feel to hear those words. Even if he was just winding me up, I knew that there was a lot of truth in those statements. I wanted to believe that Nathan was just as infatuated with me as I was with him. I bit my lip and stared out of the window in an attempt to hide my excitement.

“He’s not going to try anything on with me is he?” I said. “Because if he is, I won’t go.” It was a blatant attempt to divert any suspicion from me and it worked. I wasn’t proud of myself, but I knew that I had to keep Daniel away from the truth for as long as I possibly could.

“I’m only joking dude, I told you before he’s not like that, don’t worry you’re perfectly safe. I’ll protect you.” He smiled at me and giggled, shaking his head. I looked out of the window as the train ground to a halt. The sign said Whitby, one more stop to go before the end of the line and it starting to get dark.

“I think it’s neat that you’re still friends with him you know,” I said. “I know that doesn’t always happen.” My tone was very serious and I wasn’t expecting his reply.

“It’s difficult,” said Daniel. “Every time I go anywhere with him and it’s just the two of us, everybody thinks that we’re a couple.” I thought that this was funny and laughed, but I could definitely see his point. It was a small town and gossip was rife. “People don’t understand how we can still just be friends. If they see us together then they just assume that I’m his boyfriend,” he said. “They’re like; why would I be in his company if I wasn’t? They just don’t get it. I’ve had all kinds of comments from people, and some of the guys at school, if they don’t know me, then they can be really defensive if I talk to them, like they’re expecting me to make a move on them or something.”

I found this hilarious, because Daniel never usually talked seriously about anything sex related or about his friendship with Nathan and he was so deadpan about it all.

“I’m sorry Daniel, I don’t mean to laugh,” I said.

“Yes you do,” he replied, “everybody finds it funny, even mom. At first, it didn’t bother me, but after a while, it can get you down, having people judge you all the time. It’s not like we ever did anything. How would you feel?”

‘He’s right. I mean, how would I feel if I were outed at school. Daniel’s been outed and he isn’t even gay, what chance will I have, with Nathan on my arm’?

It was a bit unfair, but that was school life, I suppose. It was the same in England. There were always kids in school, who would have a hard time and branded as queer, when it was likely that they weren’t even gay, but just a bit feminine. Some of these kids were bullied and teased for doing nothing more than looking at another boy’s tackle in the showers. That was something we all did, without shame, but if your face didn’t fit, you were for it. The flip side to this, was the fact that Tom and I, had enjoyed a full on relationship for several weeks, during which time we were actually sleeping together in the same bed and at it, almost every night, yet no one said a word. Admittedly, this was probably more down to luck, than us actually outsmarting anyone and Tom was adamant, that we had been dangerously close to being discovered before I left.

At Stephenson, many of the boys were convinced that Fran was a lesbian and in a relationship with her best friend. Even when we started to date, it still didn’t put an end to these rumours. Yet as far as I could tell, this all started because Fran didn’t conform to the usual, unofficial student dress code and wear the type of clothes and make-up to school that the boys wanted her to wear. There’s nothing more terrifying for a hetero-boy in high school, than a girl wearing a pair of pants. Therefore, she had to be a dyke.

It was obvious I suppose that after Nathan came out, his friendship with Daniel would be put under scrutiny and by remaining friends, many people would have seen this as confirmation that Daniel was also gay. I knew how things usually worked and on this issue, it would have been exactly the same, whether they had been living in England or North America. It wasn’t as if they had been caught kissing behind the bike sheds—although that would have been hot—Daniel’s fate had been decided because of his loyalty to his best friend and I suspected that as usual, the haters had prevailed.

Once again, the flip side to this was the fact that in my short time at Stephenson, I had had two full on sexual experiences, with a guy, who was not only one of the stars of the school baseball team, but also had a reputation as one of the biggest studs in the school. No one with any sense of self-preservation would ever have accused Alex of even harbouring so much as a gay thought. He could have sucked my dick in the middle of the cafeteria at lunchtime, in full view of the entire school and still, nobody would have believed it. It seemed to be, the more outrageous the crime, the better chance you had of getting away with it.

Isn’t that just the way of the world?

“Is this the reason why you don’t see each other so much?” I said. I thought that I already knew the answer, but Daniel wasn’t thinking the same way.

“I didn’t tell him to stop visiting us,” he said, “he’s my friend, I wouldn’t do that. He decided that he wanted to do other things. With that bitch Ginny.”

“I suppose she’ll be at the party too?”

“Of course, she won’t let him out of her sight for a minute.”

* * * * *

It was just after eight when Rory’s dad dropped us off at the same spot that he had picked us up ten hours earlier. The car ride from the GO train station had been quiet with Daniel asleep in the front passenger seat for most it, while Rory and I chatted quietly in the back. As we stopped outside or house, I leaned over and pulled Rory in for a special hug, squeezing him tightly as he groaned under the pressure.

“Thanks mate; that was a really cool day,” I whispered into his ear. I think that I held him for a bit longer than I should of and he looked a little surprised when I moved away. He was blushing too and quickly diverted his gaze to the floor as I patted him on the shoulder. “I’ll see you on Monday okay.”

“If you want, you can come over and watch an Arsenal game at my house sometime,” he said, as I shuffled out of the car. “Maybe in the week.” I turned and we locked eyes for a few seconds. He looked hopeful, as if he wanted me to commit myself to a day and a time.

“How about next weekend?” I said, but it was his dad who answered.

“You’re welcome to come around anytime to watch the footie Robbie, we have the satellite channels and can get most of the Premier League games.” I decided that I liked his dad, even if I didn’t know his name and even if he did support Man United.

“I’ll check to see what games are on next weekend then,” said Rory, “you can come over too Daniel.” I was sure that Rory was just being polite by inviting him and I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t push him, after Daniel respectfully declined the offer.

“I’m not really a big soccer fan,” he said.

“Daniel thinks that football is a girl’s sport,” I said as we got out of the car and said goodbye and thank you to Rory’s dad.

“You mean soccer,” said Daniel.

“No football,” I said, pushing him up the driveway towards the house.

Once inside, I took off my jacket, kicked off my shoes and watched as Daniel removed his shoes and socks. I had every intention of following him downstairs to our room, but my path was blocked by an excited looking Amy. She had a big grin on her face and walked over to give me a quick hug, ignoring her brother.

“Hi Robbie, guess what?” she said playfully.

“What?” I replied, putting my arm around her.

“Guess.”

“I dunno, I give up.”

“Someone’s here to see you,” she said and that definitely changed the mood. I wasn’t expecting anybody and I don’t know why, but my first thought was Nathan.

‘Is he here…why, maybe he’s come to see Daniel’?

My heart rate increased instantly and I became nervous. I wanted to see him for sure, but I was confused.

“Who?” I asked as I looked towards Daniel for some help, but he looked as lost as I was and I turned back to Amy who could hardly wait to tell me something that I didn’t know.

“Your girlfriend, silly,” she said and started giggling as my jaw dropped in disbelief.

‘Fran’!

“You’re late,” said Amy leading me into the kitchen, “she’s been waiting for you for ages.”

‘I don’t believe this’!

I followed Amy dutifully towards the dining room where Fran was sitting at the table with Sue and Nicola. I stopped and froze on the spot as my brain went into overdrive and I searched their faces one by one for clues.

“Fran, what are you doing here?” I said abruptly, it brought a hard stare from Nicola, but Fran, for whatever reason, was smiling.

“I thought I’d surprise you,” she replied.

“Well you certainly did that,” I said with a hard stare that I was sure she could understand. “But why…we were supposed to meet tomorrow.”

“Does he always talk to you like this?” said Nicola, she was angry, but I dismissed her comment without reply.

“Robbie,” said Sue as she got to her feet, “where are your manners, Fran’s been waiting to see you, don’t be so rude.”

“He can’t help it,” sneered Nicola and she crossed her arms on the table, staring at me as Fan stood up and walked over. I must have looked confused when she wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a gentle kiss on the lips.

“How was the game sweetie?” she said as she faced me, with her arms still draped over my shoulders. I looked past her to see Nicola rolling her eyes at us before I returned to Fran, unsure of what to expect or what to say.

“Huh?”

“The baseball game,” she said, “that’s where you went right?”

“Oh yeah, it was good, Daniel went with me, you can ask him.” I looked around for some back up, but he had already slipped downstairs and I wished that I had been able to do the same.

‘Is that what this is, is she trying to catch me out, didn’t she believe me? Does she still think that I’m cheating on her’?

Fran grabbed my hand and led me over to the table. I was still nervous but relieved as it began to dawn on me that she hadn’t said anything to them about our break-up, or the reasons behind it. At least not yet.

‘Maybe she was waiting for me to get here, shit what now. I need to think quickly’.

“Well I’m glad you boys had a good time.”

“Fran, we need to talk, NOW!” I said and then looked towards Nicola. “Alone!”

Nicola stared back at me with a look that told me she wasn’t budging, but Sue decided to remove herself from the equation by taking Amy up to bed.

“Sue, can we use the study please?” I asked.

“Don’s in there honey,” she replied as I kissed Amy goodnight and gave her a quick hug. “You two can go downstairs to your room if you want some privacy.”

“Mom!” objected Nicola, but Sue cut her off with single look and waited for Amy to finish hugging everybody, before leading her upstairs. Nicola was left complaining to herself about the fact that she was never allowed to have boys in her room alone, as I led Fran downstairs where Daniel was watching television. He had already stripped down his usual boxer shorts and t-shirt and was lying prone on the sofa, as I walked past with Fran.

“We’re just gonna talk, okay?” I asked him as Fran followed me into the bedroom, “we won’t be long.”

“That’s okay,” he said, “I’m going upstairs to have a bath anyway.” Then he collected some clothes from his drawer and walked out closing the door behind him.

“Does Daniel always walk around in his underwear?” asked Fran. She looked a little embarrassed although it didn’t seem to bother Daniel that much. I knew that by going upstairs to have a bath instead of a shower in the basement, he was giving us that extra bit of privacy and as usual I appreciated his manners.

“Oh yeah, almost always, he doesn’t really like clothes that much,” I said, trying to ditch the small talk and figure out what to say. Fran sat on my bed and I took the chair by the desk. There was a long silence and I watched her as she avoided my eyes.

“Look, I know you’re angry with me,” she said, “but I had to know what was going on.”

“I told you that I was going to the ballgame, why didn’t you believe me?” I stood up and quickly walked to the door to open it and look around the family room, paranoid of somebody trying to listen, mainly Nicola. Then certain that we couldn’t be overheard I shut the door and went over to sit on the bed next to Fan. “Look at me Fran, I’m not leaving you for another girl, I promise.”

“Then why are you leaving me, you said that you loved me?”

“I know and I thought I did, maybe I still do, but in a different way, a way that can’t work.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” she said and I could see tears filling her soft green eyes. It made me look away and swallow hard.

“I don’t love you in the way that you want me to, I love you like family.”

“You mean like Nicola?”

“No, I hate Nicola, but you’re on the right lines,” I said. “Oh shit, I’m not doing a very good job here am I. Look, I’m trying to be tactful but the fact is it was a mistake for us to date. It was my mistake, not yours. You’re not to blame, you’ve done nothing wrong. It’s all my fault and I can understand if you hate me, I thought it could work, but it can’t and it won’t. I just don’t like girls in that way…it’s not who I am.” I sighed and held my head in my hands, looking at the floor. It had started to rain and for a short time it was the only sound in the room as it fell against the windows.

“How can you say that, after all we did together. I sucked your dick in the cinema,” she said, way too loud for my liking. “You seemed to enjoy that.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that,” I replied, “I asked you not to. You wanted to do it.”

“I did it to please you,” she said, as she rested her hand on top of mine in my lap and looked me in the eyes with her eyes glistening. “It’s not nice having a guy jizz down your throat, you know.”

‘I don’t mind it, but I’m a freak’.

“Fran, please.” I put my finger to my lips to tell her to be more quiet.

“What am I embarrassing you?” she said. I moved her hand away, stood up and walked over to stand by the window with my back to her; wanting to put some space between us.

“You didn’t do it for me,” I said, although I had no alternative theory to offer.

“Do you think I enjoy having your dick in my mouth,” she said angrily, “maybe you should try it sometime….”

“I have.”

“It’s not….”

She stopped mid-sentence and I turned around to face her. I don’t know why I said that, I guess that I just wanted to shut her up and it worked. She studied me for a few seconds as I waited with baited breath for her reaction.

“What did you just say?” She looked confused and I wouldn’t have blamed her at all. I knew that I still had an opportunity to retract that statement; maybe laugh it off as a joke, but I chose instead to stick by it, for better or for worse.

“I have…I have tried it,” I muttered and then nervously flicked my eyes away from hers. “I’ve tried it a few times and what’s more, I actually quite like it.” I crossed the room; over to Daniel’s bed and back again, rubbing my forehead with my hand and staring at the floor. I was scared, but it was too late now to change my story and despite the uncertainty of what lie ahead, I didn’t want to.

“Are you telling me, you sucked a guy’s dick?”

“Yes Fran, if you must put it that way and on more than one occasion.”

“You’re lying,” she said.

“Why would I make that up, it doesn’t make any sense? I’m telling you my deepest secrets here; why don’t you believe me?” I continued pacing the room and shaking my head in disbelief.

“Who?” she asked, she sounded agitated and as confused as I was.

“What?”

“What guy?” she demanded.

“It was two guys actually, though not at the same time of course.”

“Oh that makes it so much better,” she said as she stared at me, her face was red with anger and I was starting to worry that she was about to lose it. My aim all along had been to keep this under wraps, but so far, I wasn’t doing a very good job of it.

“Don’t be sarcastic Fran, you know what I mean. I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this.”

“Because I’m your girlfriend and I think I have the right to know something like this, don’t you?” I let out a deep sigh and stopped pacing to look towards her with my head bowed slightly. I knew that she had a point. “WELL!”

“I suppose,” I mumbled, “I’m sorry.”

“So it…it’s true then,” she said, “you really are gay?”

“I already told you that.”

“Oh my God.” She sniffed and I could see her eyes filling up with tears as she continued to stare at me. She looked so vulnerable and hurt, like a wounded animal. I wanted to put my arms around her; to comfort her, but I held back, resisting the urge for fear of sending out the wrong signals. If that was even possible now.

“Fran, please.”

“How long have you known and why didn’t you tell me before, like when I first met you?”

“I’ve known forever Fran, but when I met you I was in denial. I wanted to be straight like everyone else around here. I was scared of what people would say: how they would react…I still am.”

“You used me!”

“No, Fran it’s not like that. I wasn’t using you, honest. I really thought it could work. I wanted it to work. I wanted to be normal and have a girlfriend. I didn’t want to be gay. I never really wanted to be gay. You have to believe me. I’m frightened Fran…really frightened.” Now it was my turn to well up and I guess that I wasn’t as strong as her because they spilled straight away and I could feel them trickling down my face.

“Who else knows?” she said wiping her eyes, “I still can’t believe this is happening.”

“Nobody Fran; you’re the only one.”

“You mean me and the two boys that you…you know…did whatever to.”

“Shit…I shouldn’t have told you that. It wasn’t like you think. It wasn’t dirty or anything, it wasn’t like I met them in a public toilet. I knew them, we were….”

“What boyfriends?” she said almost spitting the words out at me in her distaste at what I was trying to say.

“I suppose you could put it that way, we were close.”

“I think you’ve already made that clear,” she said. “When did you have these relationships?”

“Before I met you Fran, honestly. It was in England.” I knew that it was borderline with Alex, as technically I had been with him after I started dating Fran. Admitting to that though, would have probably jeopardized any hope that I had of getting her on my side. I moved closer and she looked up at me with doleful eyes, still filled with un-spilled tears.

“Was it your best friend…I forget his name.”

“Tom,” I said and smiled, “yes it was Tom.” It was strange how simply mentioning his name, even in difficult circumstances, still made me smile and I wondered again how deep my love for this boy would have been if I hadn’t had been forced to leave.

“And who else?” she demanded, making me regret mentioning that there were two.

“Another boy.”

“Obviously, but who, was it here?”

“Yes, but it was before we were going out. You don’t know him and we were only together twice.” I let out a deep breath and held my head in my hands as Fran stood up and walked away. She stood for a while facing the wall, looking at one of Daniel’s many Maple Leaf pennants, although I doubt if she was able to see anything at the time as tears now streamed down her red face. I moved to comfort her; placing my hands on her shoulder, a natural reaction to ease the pain of someone who I still cared deeply for. She turned and pushed me away, grimacing.

“I don’t believe I’m hearing all this,” she said sobbing, “how could you do this to me, you fucking asshole?” She struck out at me with her fist but I was able to grab her wrist before she hit me.

“Fran, please not here. You can shout at me all you want, but can we go somewhere else to do it, somewhere more private, where we can’t be overheard? I’m going to be in enough trouble here as it is.”

“Are you scared that they’ll find out about your dirty secrets? Maybe Daniel won’t want to share a room with a queer.” I walked away and punched the air in anger.

“I’m not dirty Fran.”

“You sucked someone’s dick Robbie, what else did you do?”

“IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS WHAT I DID BEFORE I MET YOU, OKAY!” I turned on her shouting and it made her jump. She was half sitting on my desk and wiping her tear stained face with the back of her hand. I sighed and approached her cautiously, anxious to apologize for my outburst and calm the situation before the whole family overheard. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s too late for that Robbie, but I swear if you’ve put me in any kind of danger, I’ll out you to everybody and tell them what you did. Then you can go back to your lover boy in England, because no one will want to know you over here.”

I looked at her and closed my eyes tightly as more tears flowed. I guessed she knew how to hurt me, but I wasn’t sure what she had meant.

“How could I have put you in any danger?”

“You know what I mean,” she said, “we had unprotected sex. You told me that you were a virgin and now I find out that you were with other guys before we slept together. I don’t know what you did with them, for all I know you could be carrying some disease. You know what I’m getting at.” She started sobbing and I took another chance and reached out to hold her, this time she didn’t push me away, but actually moved in closer, crying into my shoulder.

“I’m clean Fran, you have to believe me. I’m certain about that. I honestly wouldn’t have put you in any danger, not like that.” I cradled her head on my shoulder and stroked her long hair as I cried with her. “I can prove it to you by getting a test done if you want. I’ll go on Monday to the clinic.”

“You don’t have to do that,” she said sobbing, “I believe you, but I still hate you.”

“I know that Fran…I know.”

‘Not as much as I hate myself’.

“I want you to tell me everything,” she said pulling away.

“I’ve told you everything.”

“No you haven’t, we need to talk properly, you owe me that much at least.”

“Okay,” I said, “but not here. We can meet tomorrow somewhere, like we planned.”

“No Robbie, not tomorrow, now! You can take me home; we can talk there. My parents are away, remember? Philippe is there with his girlfriend, but they’ll be screwing or something, they won’t bother us.”

I didn’t want to go back to Fran’s house; I had convinced myself beforehand that I would never go back there again.

“I don’t know Fran, it’s not right,” I said grabbing some tissues from Daniel’s table and offering them to her.

“What do mean it’s not right? We’re not going to have sex Robbie. Those days are gone, I don’t even want you near me anymore, not after what you did. We need to talk; it can be here or at my place, make up your mind.”

“Fine,” I said wiping my eyes on my t-shirt, “I’ll take you home.”

I reached for my phone and called a cab, while Fran used tissues to clean herself up. The long day was beginning to catch up with me and I felt tired and dirty after my trip to the city. When I saw my reflection in the mirror though, it was clear that I looked a lot worse than I felt. My eyes were red and puffy; my face smeared with dirty tears. It made me wonder what she saw in me anyway. Fran remained quiet and deep in thought as she watched me change my grubby t-shirt for a clean one, before following her upstairs to wait for our ride. Nicola had obviously gone to her room which was a relief, but we had to pass Sue and it would have been clear to her that all was not well between us. She gave us both a concerned look, but didn’t say anything as we left the house, other than to tell me to be back before midnight. It was my usual curfew, the one that I never ever stuck to.