The Cockney Canuck - 120. Chapter 120 I Never Claimed to be an Angel

The Taylor residence was unusually quiet for a Saturday evening, but the atmosphere was tense and foreboding. Sue looked like she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I could hear her pacing the kitchen while I sat downstairs watching a movie with my new self-appointed bodyguard, Nicola. My sister had hardly left my side all day, and while I appreciated her concern for my well-being, I was already growing weary of her constant presence.

At least Sue had stopped fussing over me. Alex and his younger brother Luke were now her main concern, and at ten o’clock, after several failed attempts to reach them by phone, she called the police to report them missing. It was the beginning of a long night and a fitting end to a day which I badly wanted to put behind me.

I had mixed feelings about Alex’s plight. Despite all the pain and anguish, he caused me, I still didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. He needed help even more than I did, but I knew he was unlikely to be offered the same level of support. He didn’t have a Nicola to look after him, and his father was far worse than the man who had officially taken the mantle in my life. Don may have verbally abused me on occasion, but Alex’s dad had actually tried to kill him, and would likely do so again should their paths ever cross.

This terrible scenario was playing in my head as we waited for the police to arrive.

‘What if Alex didn’t run away? Maybe his old man caught up with him instead? Is he lying in a ditch somewhere? Beaten up, or even worse. Dead’!

I shivered at the thought and then ran upstairs at the sound of a car on the driveway.

The police officer was small, rounded, and deadly serious. I couldn’t remember seeing him around town, but he seemed to know all about me.

“I’m Robbie.”

“I know who you are,” he said. “You're the kid who we were looking for in the summer, the one who fell down the stairs.”

“Pushed,” I corrected him and smiled at my notoriety.

“Robbie’s certainly left his mark in the short time he’s been here,” said Sue as she took Don’s place at the head of the table. “Is there any news on that front?”

“Well, the case is still open,” he assured us. “But until someone comes forward with some new information, we can’t do much. How are you feeling now, I heard you were back in the hospital?”

“Only for a few days?”

“But you're back at school now, right?”

I wondered how he knew all this or why he was even interested.

‘What else does he know about me’?

“I’m going back on Monday.” I looked at Sue, and she confirmed it. “It doesn’t matter, though. I’m not going to be here for much longer.”

“Oh, are you heading back to the UK?”

"No, I’m gonna die! That’s what the doctors said anyway.”

The young officer, unsure how to react, looked at Sue who promptly denied my claim.

“Don’t listen to him,” she said. “The doctors didn’t say anything of the kind. He’s playing with you.”

He forced a smile as I sat back in my chair, angry at her intervention.

“So who are we looking for this time?” he asked.

“It’s Alex, he’s been in our care for a couple of months now,” explained Sue. “He left this morning with his younger brother and hasn’t come home.”

“And you think he’s run away?”

“All I know is he hasn’t come home.” Then she turned to me as I yawned. “Maybe you should go back downstairs and rest, dear.” She was concerned about my fragile mental state, but I was certain the officer would want to question me, and I had something important to offer.

I had already decided, under the circumstances, it was probably right that I should tell them about Alex’s threat to run away to Florida. He would be furious with me if he found out, but I would never have forgiven myself if I withheld information which may have helped them to find him. Especially if it turned out he was in some kind of trouble. I had to consider Luke’s safety too. He was just a pawn in all of this, but I knew he would follow his brother blindly to the end of the world if necessary.

“He told me he was going to Florida,” I told the chubby-faced officer. “He has a cousin down there or something. He was going to take Luke with him.”

Sue looked surprised. “Florida? Why didn’t you tell us this earlier?”

“He made me promise not to say anything. Alex can be very persuasive.”

Sue wasn’t the only one surprised by my statement. Nicola also gave me a strange look, perhaps wondering why I hadn’t told her this as well. I smiled weakly at her as she sat down beside me.

“Robbie’s had a rough time of it lately,” she said in my defence and then gave me a rather affectionate hug, which I found surprisingly comforting.

The constable looked across the table, confused as she pulled me close and kissed me on the cheek. “Are you his girlfriend?”

“No, I’m his sister!” Nicola pulled a face as if it was the most ridiculous assumption ever before pushing me away. “I’ve been looking after him, haven’t I, Robbie?”

“Yeah, something like that.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet such a loving family,” said the officer. It makes me wonder why Alex would want to run away.”

“I dunno.” I shrugged my shoulders in an overly animated style, but despite his youthful appearance, the officer wasn’t easily fooled.

“So he told you where he was going, but you have no idea why he wanted to leave?”

“No.”

“And you didn’t ask him?”

“I wasn’t talking to him at the time.”

“Why?”

Nicola gave me a nudge with her knee, and I could feel her eyes on me, but I wasn’t about to divulge the real reason for my bust-up with Alex.

“We had a disagreement,” I said tactfully.

“They were fighting,” added Sue. “Teenage boys, you know what they’re like.”

“They certainly keep us busy,” he said and then excused himself as he stood up to answer a call on his radio.

It presented Sue with an opportunity to make everyone coffee and the moment she left, Nicola pounced.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Florida?” she whispered.

“I didn’t think it was important.”

“He won't come back here, you know that, right? He took off because he thought you were going to tell me, and he thinks I’ll tell the police.”

It seemed like a fairly reasonable assumption. Alex knew enough about Nicola to be wary of her, but it still seemed a little premature.

‘He didn’t even say goodbye’.

When I mentioned this to Nicola, she scoffed and called me a jerk.

“Neither did you,” she said. “He’s not gonna tell anyone, and he’s probably not going to Florida. Why don’t you tell the police what happened?”

“You know I can’t do that.”

“Then let me do it. That way Alex can’t blame you. I can talk to him outside if you want, so mom can’t hear.”

“No!”

“You're still covering for him, aren’t you? Even after everything he did to you. Why?”

I gave her a blank stare, but I didn’t have an answer.

“I don’t know why. I don’t hate him. I don’t think he even meant to do what he did. It just happened.”

Nicola was livid. Staring at me with eyes that threatened to burn holes in my head.

“How can you say that?” she hissed through clenched teeth. “That kind of thing doesn’t just happen.”

“Will you just leave me alone! I don’t wanna talk about it, okay?”

On any other day, my little outburst would have earned me an ear-bashing from my sister, but on this occasion, she bit her tongue and gently stroked my hair.

“I just wanna help you, that’s all.”

I melted into my seat and closed my stinging eyes before any more tears could be spilt. I didn’t want Alex to come back, but as much as I tried, I couldn’t hate him.

There was a time in the summer when I couldn’t praise him enough, convinced he was much better than his reputation suggested. Now, his name only conjured up images of a day I wanted to wipe from my memory.

Nicola knew, but she still couldn’t understand. I would never be able to explain it to anyone. It would have been impossible, so instead, I kept it bottled up inside where it gradually festered and threatened to destroy me.

My daydream was interrupted by Sue. She was standing by the kitchen, talking to the police officer.

“You didn’t give Alex any money did you, dear?” she called over.

“No, of course not.”

The officer acknowledged my answer as he bit into one of Sue’s blueberry muffins. “And he didn’t mention anything to you about going to see his dad?”

“No. There’s no way he would go anywhere near his old man. He tried to kill him.”

“Well, his father certainly isn’t a nice man,” said Sue. “But I doubt if he wanted to kill him.”

“He did,” I insisted. “Alex told me. His old man hates….” I stopped just in time, realising I was about to out him to Sue. “He hates everyone.”

“I take it you haven’t managed to find his father yet,” she asked the officer.

“No, Mrs Taylor. We just wanted to be sure Alex hadn’t agreed to meet up with him.”

“He wouldn’t do that,” I said. “Not with Luke. He would never put his brother in danger. He really loves him.”

Sue agreed with my statement, and the officer seemed content.

“Well, I would be very surprised if his dad’s still in Cobourg. This town’s too small for him to hide for that long. Somebody would have seen him by now. He’s probably moved on.” He picked up his jacket from the chair and glanced at his watch. “Thanks for the muffin, Mrs Taylor.”

“Is that it?” asked Sue. “Aren’t you going to call the border police or something?”

Nicola rolled her eyes at her mom’s stupidity, and even I was embarrassed for her. The officer zipped up his jacket before addressing Sue’s concerns.

“No. He wouldn’t be able to legally cross the border, but I doubt if he would get that far without money or transport. He’s probably with a friend. If he still hasn’t come home by the morning, then we’ll take it to the next stage, but we’re not about to set up any roadblocks just yet.”

“Actually, he does have a car,” I said, and there was silence as the officer stopped in his tracks and turned around to face me. “It’s his older brother’s, he keeps it at a friend’s house.”

Sue was confused. “But he can’t drive; he hasn’t got a licence.”

I stared at her as she realised her stupidity. “He can; just not very well.”

Sue looked flustered. “You didn’t let him drive you anywhere, did you?”

“Of course not,” I lied, but she didn’t buy it.

“Because if you did, he wasn’t insured.”

“Not much point if you haven’t got a license.” I shared a quick smile with Nicola, but the officer wasn’t interested. He wanted to know the details of the car and the address where it was kept. Neither of which I could help him with.

“I don’t know what make it is. But it’s blue. I think.”

He closed his notebook and placed it back in his top pocket. “Thanks, that’s very helpful.”

“It is?”

“No,” he said. “Not at all. There are a lot of blue cars in Cobourg.”

Nicola elbowed me and pulled a face as I melted into the chair. “You dork!”

“How am I supposed to know what make it is. It’s a piece of shit anyway.”

“Robbie! There’s no need for bad language,” snapped Sue, and she grinned apologetically at the officer. “He’s from England.”

‘What’s that got to do with it’?

“Put a dollar in the swear box please,” she said.

Nicola smirked as I rummaged in my pockets for money that wasn’t there. I was certain Sue was only doing this to look good in front of the officer. Embarrassed by another kid running away while in her charge, and trying to act like a responsible parent.

'She never asks Alex for money, and he swears more than I do’.

Nicola kindly lent me a loonie, but I knew Sue wouldn’t relent until I deposited it in the tin container that once housed a selection of English biscuits. I made sure everyone was watching as I theatrically reached up to place it in the slot.

My sarcastic grin was wiped from my face by the unmistakable sound of the coin hitting the bottom of the tin box and rolling to a stop. Sue and Nicola looked on in silence as I reached for the container and easily lifted it with one hand from the shelf. It was unexpectedly light, which I demonstrated with a quick shake. My coin was the only one in it. The tin which had been at least three-quarters full of loonies, toonies, and even the odd ten-dollar bill, was now empty bar one. No one had thought of checking.

“There’s nothing in there,” I said, stating the obvious and smiling at my discovery.

Sue looked flustered as she snatched the container from me and opened it. “Does anyone know what happened to the money that was in here?”

I shrugged my shoulders and looked at Nicola, who shook her head.

“How much was in there?” asked the officer as he reached again for his notebook.

Sue looked at me for an answer, but I hadn’t a clue.

“At least two hundred dollars,” added Nicola.

The constable scratched his head. “And you think Alex may have taken it?”

‘Is the Pope Catholic’?

“He knew the money was there,” said Sue.

“But he never had to put any in it,” I complained.

“He didn’t have any money.”

“He has now.”

“Wait a minute, please.” Not for the first time, the officer looked baffled and raised his hand to stop our bickering. “So whose money was it?”

“Mine,” I said, but Sue corrected me.

“No, it wasn’t! We were trying to get Robbie to stop swearing, so I made him put a dollar in the swear box every time he said a bad word.”

“Like fuck or shit,” I said and giggled before Nicola put her hand over my mouth to silence me.

Sue glared. “It’s not funny.”

“That’s a lot of swearing,” said the officer.

“That’s nothing,” said Nicola. “It’s been emptied once already.”

I wrestled free from my sister protesting my innocence and trying hard not to convict myself with any further profanities, but the constable had heard enough. He left the house to sit in his patrol car and radio the information to his colleagues in private.

I was downstairs watching the hockey when he returned. The Leafs were losing to the Sharks and already looking like a good bet to miss the playoffs. It didn’t matter to me; I didn’t like the sport, but I still watched it and complained when Sue called me back up to the dining room.

The constable had asked Sue if he could talk to me alone, but there was no way she was going to allow it.

“We have no secrets in this house,” she insisted, and I held my breath and glanced at Nicola.

“I need to ask Robbie some personal questions.”

My expression pleaded with Sue to leave us alone, but she wouldn’t budge. I think she was trying to make some kind of statement. She had mentioned earlier about showing more interest in my life, but there were still certain aspects of it, which I wanted to keep to myself. I had a feeling this was going to be one of them.

“There’s no need to worry,” she said. “Robbie tells me everything, don’t you, dear?”

‘No’!

The officer shrugged and sat down opposite me at the table.

“It’s about your relationship with Alex,” he said.

I felt the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. “What about it? He’s a friend from school.”

“Is that all?”

“What are you implying, officer?” asked Sue.

“Mrs Taylor. I’ve been told to ask these questions. Are you aware of the Statement Alex gave us after his dad attacked him?”

“No,” said Sue

“Yes,” I said at the same time. “He told me.”

“Told you what?” asked Sue, but I ignored her to focus on the officer.

“What he said in his statement wasn’t true,” I added.

“Why would he say something like that if it wasn’t true?”

Sue was trying to keep up. “Will someone please tell me what’s going on?”

Once again, I chose to ignore her. “Because he has some kind of weird crush on me. He thinks I’m his boyfriend.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said Sue. “Alex isn’t gay.” I turned to stare at her and was soon joined by the officer and then by Nicola. “He’s not, is he?”

I exchanged glances with my sister as the penny dropped for Sue.

“So nothing’s going on between you and Alex?”

I heard Sue complaining in the background. “This is ridiculous.”

“No,” I said.

“Not ever?”

I squirmed in my seat as he looked me in the eye. I was certain he knew something.

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Do I really need to explain?”

“We fooled around once….”

Sue looked baffled. I don’t think she understood what I was saying, but the officer had a smug grin on his face. He jotted something in his notebook, then glanced up at me.

“Just once?”

“Twice, actually, but it was months ago.” I shrugged my shoulders at Nicola. “And I was never his boyfriend.”

The officer nodded as Sue finally caught up with the conversation. She looked genuinely shocked as she covered her mouth with her hand.

“Robbie, what are you saying?”

I didn’t answer, preferring to concentrate on Nicola’s more measured approach. She was far more composed than her mother as she demanded an explanation from the constable.

“Why do you need to know all this? It’s kinda personal, don’t you think?”

“I did ask if I could talk privately with him.”

“I don’t understand how this can possibly help you find Alex.”

“It helps if we know the reason why he ran away in the first place,” explained the police officer. “Alex told us his dad attacked him because he found out he was gay and had a boyfriend. You haven’t done anything wrong, but we assumed the boyfriend was Robbie.”

“You didn’t do anything bad with Alex, did you?” I almost laughed at Sue’s ridiculous question, but by this time, she was only background noise.

“He didn’t run away because of me. If you must know, he wanted me to go with him. He’s not in his right mind at the moment.” I tapped the side of my head with my finger to highlight my point, then smiled apologetically at a still shell-shocked Sue.

‘Geez, I never claimed to be an angel’.

“He’s scared of what will happen when people find out about him,” I said. “His so-called friends, the people he hangs out with. They’re not very nice.”

“Yeah, we know who they are. It would have been helpful if you had told me all this when I first got here, but I guess you were trying to protect him. I think it’s safe now to assume he’s run away. Maybe they’ll put out an amber alert, because of the young boy.”

“If he comes back here,” said Sue searching for the right words.

“Then notify us immediately. I can’t say for certain, but I’m pretty sure they’ll want to move him on. I’m surprised they allowed him to stay here in the first place.”

“Oh my God,” said Sue. “We’re to blame for all this, we made you sleep with him.”

“She doesn’t mean it in that way,” said Nicola as I turned crimson and slid down the hardback chair until my chin was level with the table.

I was happy to let Sue take the blame for my immorality although I doubted if anyone else would be so generous.

“Sorry, I had to ask you that,” said the officer. I didn’t believe him, and I was sure he didn’t believe me.

“Not as sorry as I am.”

The moment the front door closed behind him, I headed for the stairs, and five minutes after that, I was in bed, where I stayed tossing and turning until the early hours. I was awake when Daniel came home at eleven and again when he woke up again at nine, with only a couple of hours sleep in between.

I watched him walk past my bed with an epic morning wood that tented his boxers like a pyramid. When I dropped my pyjamas, my little man looked pale and lifeless. Shrivelled and starved of attention it was certainly no match for Daniel’s proud rocket. I dragged on some underwear and plodded wearily to the bathroom. The only time I touched my dick now was to pee.

*     *     *

Alex was still missing on Monday when I boarded the bus with Nicola and Daniel for my latest return to school. No one was more excited to see me than my best friend, Rory, and he could hardly contain his enthusiasm when he saw me in the corridor.

“I wasn’t expecting you back so soon. This is really cool; so much has been happening.”

I smiled at my goofy mate as he smothered me with friendly affection. Rory was passionate about a lot of things and at times, quite excitable, but I had never known him to talk as much as he did that day. This new-found confidence seemed to suit him, and I wasn’t the only one who thought so.

I noticed my friend was becoming increasingly popular with the females. Girls who had previously written him off as gay were suddenly taking notice after word got out that he was dating a girl from Port Hope.

It looked like Rebecca was doing him good. Rory was noticeably happier, even interacting with classmates who rarely noticed him before. It was a remarkable transformation, and I was certain I knew the reason.

“So when did you turn into a swan,” I asked him over lunch.

“Rebecca’s pulled him out of his shell,” said David and I agreed.

“It’s probably not the only thing she’s been pulling.” Poor Rory turned a delightful shade of red, and the smile on his cute face told me I was warm. “So are you guys like doing it now?” I whispered.

Rory leaned towards me and covered his mouth. “Sex is really cool, isn’t it?”

“Well, yeah. It can be.” I was shocked to hear my friend talk so candidly about a subject he had spent the first six months of our friendship avoiding like the plague. “I’m glad it’s working out for you.”

“Oh man, Rebecca's something else. She wants it all the time. I’m just glad she doesn’t go to school here, or we’d be expelled or something.”

“Wow, that bad, huh?” His smile though told me it was a problem he was pleased to have, and his goofy behaviour was enough to alert the rest of the table. It was a secret he couldn't keep and the news soon spread around the table. He was rewarded with a few friendly jibes and some words of encouragement, most notably from Fran.

“Way to go, Rory. So Rebecca finally got her hands on the prize. When did this happen?”

“You don’t have to say anything,” said David and I expected Rory to clam up.

“Friday night,” he said. “At her place, after the soccer game.”

I stopped chewing my sandwich to stare at my golden-haired friend in awe. I had to hand it to him. Not only did he admit to losing his virginity, but he was prepared to make public the exact time and location. He even managed to fit it in around highlights of Man United. I doubt if many could have pulled that off.

Rory was the epitome of class, and I was as pleased as punch for him. After spending so long on the sidelines watching his friends hook up with the opposite or same sex, the cards had finally fallen for him and never was it more deserving.

‘What happened to the bashful, introverted, guy who befriended me on my first day here’?

He was there somewhere under a mop of blond hair that looked much tidier than usual. It screamed out girlfriend.

“So what’s the story with Conner?” asked Fran. It was no more than I expected, but I didn’t have any answers.

I wasn’t sure anymore where I stood with Conner. I had only seen him once since the incident with Alex, and that was when I was in the hospital. He wanted to visit me at home, but I hadn’t given him any invites and the only times we talked was when he called. Those conversations were enjoyable and funny, but there was nothing remotely romantic about them. No flirting or suggestive double entendres, and certainly nothing like the x-rated calls and texts that passed between Nathan and me.

It was all down to me. Conner was a perfectly normal boy with a healthy teenage libido. He had been sexually inactive for six months and had made it clear he wanted to end that drought with me. It’s not as if he was bad looking or a terrible person. Conner was kind, thoughtful, well-dressed, and boyishly cute. Any other gay teenage boy would have already taken him up on his offer. We could have been shagging each other silly like Rory and Rebecca, but it wasn’t to be. Not for me.

“He likes you, you know,” said Rory.

“Yeah, I know that.”

“Then why don’t you show some interest. His family are really nice. If you want, I can arrange for us to go on a double date. It’ll be fun.” He winked at me and poked me with his elbow. “You never know what might happen.”

“What you mean like an orgy?”

Rory laughed and choked on his milk. Then wiped his mouth with his sleeve as I giggled. “Sorry. That was gross, I know.”

I thought it was the hottest thing I had seen in ages. He may have lost his virginity, but poor Rory was still a little naïve. He will likely never know how sexy he looked with milk dribbling from his chin, but even such blatant amateur porn wasn’t enough to give me more than a tingle of excitement where it mattered.

I had to admit, I badly needed help, and suddenly, Walter’s counsellor seemed like a good idea.

*     *     *

I was told to report to room one-oh-five, at one-thirty to meet Joe. The door was already ajar and opened slowly with a gentle knock to reveal a woman sitting on a desk. She was talking on a cell phone and smiled when she saw me. It took me a couple of seconds to realise I was staring. I was expecting to see a middle-aged man in a suit and mouthed an apology as I closed the door to check the room number on my appointment card.

It opened again immediately making me jump.

“Are you Robbie?” she asked, covering the bottom of her phone. I nodded, and she pointed to a chair. “I’ll be with you in a minute, sweetie.”

I did as she said and waited while she finished her call, but my eyes never left her. From the snippets I heard, It sounded important, and she was deadly serious as she paced the tiny room, occasionally stopping to smile at me.

She had a pretty if slightly pointy face with a single stud in the side of her nose and deep red lipstick that matched the colour of her nails. She was definitely gothic and not what I was expecting, but very familiar.

When she finished her call, she scribbled a few notes onto a pad.

“I’m looking for Joe,” I said, and she looked up and smiled.

“Well, you found her.” She reached across to shake my hand. “I’m sorry, honey, that call was important. I’m Jo.”

“Robbie,” I said, but she would have noticed my hesitation.

“Is there something wrong?”

“No…. It’s just. It doesn’t matter. You remind me of someone, that’s all.”

“Wow, I thought I was unique. Who do I remind you of?”

“Someone like you. It’s not important.”

“Okay, maybe you’ll want to tell me about it later.”

“And you're a woman.”

“Geez, you're smart, kid. What was it that gave me away?”

“I was expecting a guy, that’s all.”

“So was I, baby. But it looks like I got you instead.”

“Huh?”

“Don’t fret. I’m just kidding.” She folded her arms on her knees and stared at me, making me nervous. Then reached in her top pocket. “Do you want some gum?”

“No, thank you.”

It made her laugh as she stood up and circled the room. “My you're a polite young man. What’s up, don’t you like women?”

“I didn’t say….”

“I know you're gay, but we’re only gonna talk.” I kept a straight face and waited for her to continue. “I’m here to help you.”

“I know that.”

“Good. So do you think we can work around this, or is it gonna be a problem?”

“It’s not a problem,” I said, and I managed a faint smile which she was quick to pick up on.

“Cool. It’s better when you smile.” She looked around the sparse room. It wasn’t much bigger than Don’s study and very basic with only a flimsy desk and a handful of uncomfortable chairs. “What is this some kind of prison cell? Geez, It’s hot in here and no window. Are you hot?”

She was wearing a black leather jacket which wouldn’t have helped and knee-length boots. As a young boy, I had seen similar looking women hanging around Waterloo Station on my way back from school. My mom referred to them as working girls, but I never saw them do anything more than chat to the occasional motorist. I was naïve until Tom explained it to me.

Jo stood up, removed her jacket, and placed it over the back of a chair. Her skimpy top revealed unexpected muscles and a reasonably toned physique. She also had several interesting tattoos including one of a girl on a motorbike at the top of her cleavage. I tried hard not to look.

“I’m guessing it’s the tattoo that you're staring at and not my tits,” she said and laughed as I quickly looked away and blushed. “It’s a Harley Davidson.”

“Are you a Hell's Angel?”

It made her laugh, and I got the feeling she enjoyed the comparison, but she wouldn’t answer my question. Instead, she spent the next few minutes casually leafing through a couple of folders. There was a hospital report which she studied carefully and another from the school.

“How are you feeling?”

“Okay.”

“That’s a nasty injury you suffered. Quite serious. You were lucky.”

“I know.”

She closed the file and tossed it onto the desk behind her before turning her chair around, so she was sitting the wrong way with her arms folded and resting on the back.

“Okay, before we start, I need to explain a few things. I’m not here to interrogate you. I don’t work for the school, the police, the government, or your parents, and I don’t answer to any of them. I specialise in helping kids like you. Congratulations kiddo, you’ve been selected and designated as a category 'A'. Kids who are considered to be most at risk of hurting themselves. You know what that means?”

“No.”

“It means you get exclusive access to the services of yours truly. I can tell you're excited.”

I forced a smile as I tried to work out what she was saying.

“What are we gonna do?”

She laughed. “Don’t look so scared, I’m not gonna bite you. Walter asked me to come and see you because he thought you were in danger. He told me you threatened to harm yourself. I’m not going to pretend I don’t know this or talk around the subject. We take these threats very seriously. I cancelled other appointments to be here today because people are worried about you.”

“I didn’t mean a lot of the stuff I said. I was just hurting that’s all. I don’t wanna waste your time.”

“You're not wasting anyone’s time, sweetie. If I think you're okay, then I’ll let you know straight away. You will only get the truth from me, but I need the same commitment from you, or it can’t work.”

“I’ll try.”

“Okay, here’s the deal. I’m not here to judge you, change you, or tell you how to live your life. I’m not going to patronise you or feed you bullshit. I’m pretty laid back, as you can see, but this is the way I am. It’s not an act designed to make you feel comfortable, and I’m not trying to pretend I’m cool or streetwise. I’m thirty-six years old and from a different generation.”

“You don’t look that old.”

“Thanks, I didn’t know thirty-six was old, but hey. I’ll take compliments all day from a cutie like you.”

I shuffled uncomfortably in my seat as she continued.

“I’m not wired up. There’s no one watching us or listening to us, and there never will be. It’s not a confession, and I’m not influenced by any religion. I’m not a fucking saint or mother Theresa, and this isn’t a vocation. It’s a job that pays well, and one that I’m very good at. I don’t work on commission or bonuses. I do it because I'm good with people, especially young people and I genuinely want to help.

“I’m a little unconventional, and not everyone likes the way I work, they put up with me because I get results, but I’m not perfect. I can’t promise you I’m gonna be able to make you feel better or take away your problems because only you can do that. But from now on, you don’t have to do it on your own. Because I can help if you let me.”

She took a drink from a bottle of water and wiped her brow as I continued to stare, watching her every move. Fascinated by the uncanny resemblance.

“When do we start?” I said.

“We already have, sweetie." She paused to spit out a piece of gum and toss it towards the small garbage can in the corner. It missed and stuck to the wall. "Shit. Do you think they're gonna notice that?" I nodded. "Well, anyway, I have to work out what’s going on in that head of yours and to do that I may have to ask some personal questions. Some people are okay with this, others find it more difficult. Whatever you say stays with me. I won’t laugh at you or make you feel stupid, sick, or perverted. I know how your body works and how a penis works. I know a lot about sex, straight or gay and I’m never, ever, embarrassed. Okay?”

“I think.”

“You’ll get the hang of it. First, a few ground rules for you to follow. I don’t care if you swear I’ve heard it all before, and in every language. You can shout, cry, laugh, or sing if you want, but if you ever feel the need to be violent or abusive to me in any way you're out the door and there’s no way back. Got it?”

“Yes.” I nodded and sank a little deeper into my seat.

“Good! There are only a few exceptions to the confidentiality rule, and they are murder, sexual abuse and child pornography. So if you’ve killed somebody or you like little Timmy down the road, for fuck sake, don’t tell me about it, because I’ll be obligated to call the cops. Everything else is totally confidential and if I take, any notes then they are only to help me. Nobody ever reads them, and if anybody did, they wouldn’t be able to make any fucking sense of them. Any questions?”

“Yes, are we gonna have enough time?” I chuckled as she looked at her watch.

“Probably not, but I get it. I know I talk a lot.” She paused to watch me, probably wondering why I was laughing. “You're not intimidated by me at all, are you?”

“Should I be?”

“No, but most kids are.”

“You said you were here to help me.”

“I am, but they don’t always believe me.”

“I trust you,” I said and smiled. I knew it wasn’t what she expected from a suicidal kid, but I wasn’t trying to be clever.

“I hear you went to see Mr Symmonds. That guy’s an asshole. I’m glad you didn’t waste your time with him. Who arranged that unfortunate appointment?”

“Don.”

She looked at her notes quickly. “Don is your dad, right. Oh, no, wait a minute. Your adopted father. I guess he doesn’t like you. Is that because you're gay?”

“Yes.”

“Symmonds is a hit man. I wouldn’t let him loose on my worst enemy. Whatever he told you is total bullshit from a man who has no penis.”

I laughed, Sue was right when she told me the new counsellor was nothing like Mr Symmonds, but this tough-talking, slightly-abrasive woman wasn’t as unique as she thought. Her zany personality, her looks, even her expressions were overwhelmingly familiar to me. It was uncanny, but without the tattoos, piercings, and purple make-up, Jo was a carbon copy of my mom.