The Cockney Canuck - 68. Chapter 68 Forget Me Not

He had been watching me for some time as I cleared my bedside table and unpacked the overnight bag that Nicola had brought in. Then I noticed him quickly look away after I threw it on the floor and swore at her poor choice of clothes. I thought my little tantrum had scared him, but when I stubbed my toe on the bed, he started laughing as I hopped around in agony. The sudden movement made me dizzy and I plonked myself down on the empty chair and closed my eyes until it passed.

The boy opposite me was asleep and Jamie in the corner had turned his attention to something else, playing a handheld video game that his mom had brought him in, so I pulled the curtains around the bed to get myself dressed. It was a lot easier to cheer myself up when he was out of view. Instead of feeling sorry for him, I could think about my own life, and my boyfriend Nathan.

There was a lot that I could remember now and he wasn’t a stranger to me anymore, but there were still large gaps which I couldn’t fill. The most frustrating thing of all was that I found it difficult to put what I could remember into any logical date order. I could now clearly recall going to the cinema with him, but I had to ask him when it was. It could have been two weeks ago or two months ago, I had no idea. This rule applied to everything, but I tried to play it down, hoping that it would sort itself out as my memory improved. I would often get tiny flashbacks of certain events which would sometimes lead to me remembering the whole thing, but other times they would dangle tantalisingly just out of reach. Nathan was the key, and he had visited me earlier, but he wasn’t as enthusiastic as I thought he would be when I broke the news that I was going home later that day.

“I’m gonna miss you,” he said. “I’m used to seeing you every day.”

“You can still come over to my house; they won't mind.”

“Not every day,” he said, “that wouldn’t look good, and you’re not allowed out for a couple of weeks.” He had a good point but it was too soon for me to want to get bogged down with trivial problems. It may have been convenient for him, but I didn’t want to be in that hospital for a minute more than I had to.

I told him that before he left, then afterwards the guilt set in and I cursed myself for being so inconsiderate. Nathan had, after all, visited me every day, even when I was asleep, and I was certain that it was his voice that pulled me around. The fact that they stopped filling me up with anaesthetic, may also have had something to do with it, but I was willing to let him take all the credit, as long as nobody knew about it.

‘I can’t believe she’s put a sweater in here, and a pair of jeans, it’s thirty degrees outside and I’m gonna be dressed for winter. Nice one Nicola’.

It didn’t matter, I was pleased to be out of those horrible pyjamas and thrilled to be going home. Jamie, the kid with the permanent mask didn’t look as if he was going anywhere this side of Christmas.

Unlike my good Samaritan-like friend, Rory, in the three days that I had been lying opposite him, I had barely said more than a dozen of words to Jamie. It was a surprise, therefore when I opened the curtains and saw him walking towards me, wheeling his bottle of air behind him.

“You’re going home today?” he said. His voice was a little muffled by the breathing apparatus, that covered most of his face, but up close he looked surprisingly cheerful for a boy who seemed to have so little to be cheerful about. I told him that I was waiting for someone to pick me up, before moving the table out of his way so that he could sit down on the bed. He looked weak but he turned down my offer, preferring to stand. “I need the exercise,” he said, “that’s what they tell me anyway.”

‘You could’ve fooled me’.

He looked more in need of a good meal than exercise, and I was sure that if he were a little shorter then he would have been able to hide behind that bottle of oxygen and no one would have seen him. “They know best,” I said and then my inquisitive nature got the better of me. “What are you in here for anyway?”

‘Great! That made it sound like he’s in prison’.

I imagine that most inmates in correctional facilities would have a much better quality of life than poor Jamie had, and he had done nothing to deserve his sentence either. I had never heard of cystic fibrosis before, but he was remarkably upbeat as he explained his condition using medical terms that sounded odd coming from a little boy. I knew what hereditary meant, and I was relieved to discover that he wasn’t always in the hospital and he didn’t always have to wear an oxygen mask. There were times when his air tubes would clog up and become infected, and when they were severe, he would have to be hospitalised. An average of two bouts a year, but sometimes as many as four and for up to three weeks at a time.

He clearly understood his condition and wasn’t afraid to talk about it, answering my questions without a hint of emotion in his young voice. I admired him for being able to face his illness and learn about it rather than hide and pretend that it wasn’t there as I was doing.

“What was wrong with you?” he asked and I told him about my accident and the coma. “You were in a coma, that’s pretty serious, huh?”

“It was at the time, but they put me in a coma on purpose.”

“A medically induced coma you mean,” he smiled and finally took up my offer and sat down next to me on the bed.

“You’re really a doctor aren’t you, just posing as a patient? How old are you?”

“I’m eleven,” he said. “You must have been in the intensive care; which room were you in?”

“Two, I think.”

“Oh yeah, I’ve been in two before. For three days last year. One is better though, it’s a lot bigger.”

‘I’ll try to keep that in mind’.

Poor Jamie had me well beaten on hospital visits and was able to reminisce about his stays in intensive care as if they were family vacations. He could probably have written a patient’s guide to the best ones in Canada, but no one would envy him.

“Do you live in England?” he asked.

“Not anymore; I live in Cobourg. What about you, where do you live?”

“In this hospital,” he said, “or that’s how it seems sometimes.” I laughed but only after he did, and even then it still felt wrong. His predicament wasn’t the least bit funny. “Do you come from London?”

“Yes, I lived there for eleven years,” I said, impressed that he had been able to correctly place my accent from just a few sentences.

“Do you like watching soccer?”

“Yes,” I said thinking that he would be mentioning England’s woeful performance at the weekend.

“So do I, what team in London do you follow?”

“There’s only one team in London,” I said, but I didn’t mean it in the way that he interpreted it.

“No there’s not, there are five premier league teams,” he said and he went on to name them all. Poor Jamie didn’t look much like the sporty type, but he was as knowledgeable on English soccer as any kid that I had met in the UK, if not more so.

“I support Arsenal,” I finally admitted and he jumped up in excitement. I was worried in case he detached himself from his lifeline.

“That’s my team too,” he said excitedly before reeling off the names of all the players, some of whom I had never even heard of. He seemed like a good kid and not nearly as annoying as I had imagined he would be.

Our conversation was cut short when his mother arrived, but I told him that I would stop by to see how he was when I came back the following week and he seemed happy to have made a new friend. I could hear him telling his mom about me on his way back to his bed and once again, I was left kicking myself for not reaching out to him first, as Rory had done.

“Is there any cure for cystic fibres?” I asked Lorna when she stopped by later that day to say goodbye.

“Fibrosis,” she corrected me and then shook her head. “It can be managed, but Jamie will likely be in and out of the hospital for the rest of his life.” I watched him across the room talking excitedly to his mom.

“How long will that be?”

“He’s on the ball and he’s a fighter but he’s lungs have been damaged by constant infections and every year he gets worse. He probably won't make it to twenty.”

“Oh…does he know that?”

“He knows everything there is to know about his illness, except how long he’s got to live. No one can tell for sure, but he won't get better.”

For someone who had quite possibly already passed the halfway point in his young life, Jamie always seemed to be cheerful and upbeat, even when he was alone. His plight was a reminder to me of why I hated hospitals. I would never have known about him or his illness if I hadn’t of been there at the same time.

“I’ve got something for you,” said Lorna, as she handed me a list of instructions to take home. It was a standard printed checklist for people recovering from a head injury, like what painkillers I should take, and what I needed to avoid. Contrary to what Sue had told me, I was allowed to watch television and the computer wasn’t out of bounds either, but in moderation. The internet would make my recovery a lot more bearable.

It was fairly straightforward, but at the bottom of the list, there was an extra one added in pen, which confused me. “Talk to your parents; what’s that supposed to mean?”

She smiled and looked me in the eye. “You really don’t know?”

I had a pretty good idea and there wasn’t much point in playing dumb with her. “Is it something to do with Nathan?”

“I think that they need to know, don’t you?” she said. “And now’s probably a good time to tell them.” She took Jamie’s spot next to me on the bed and covered my hand with hers, smiling annoyingly until I looked back at her. “It would be better coming from you.”

Those last few words bothered me. “Did she say anything to you then?” I asked. “Sue, I mean.”

“No, we’re not good friends, just colleagues. But she’ll work it out eventually, it’s not difficult and your sister knows.”

“Nicola?”

‘Nicola knows about me…and Nathan’?

“This is why you’re gonna need to open up Robbie, it’ll be difficult trying to cover up things that you don’t remember.”

I couldn’t believe that I would ever have told her, it didn’t make sense. I could only ever remember arguing with her in the past, and I had only seen her once since coming out of the coma. Nathan had mentioned to me that she had been suspended for two days, but I had forgotten to ask her about it when she visited on Sunday.

“Are you sure?”

‘If she knew, then she would have said something by now’.

“You need to talk to her Robbie; I’m pretty sure that she knows, has she always been friends with Nathan?”

“No, she hates him. Well maybe not hates him but…I dunno. It’s too confusing, nothing makes sense anymore.”

I was sure that it would all make sense if I could remember the last few weeks or if someone could sit down and tell me exactly what I had said and done during that time. Just the bits that involved Nathan would be helpful, but it seemed that he had been the worst casualty. She was right, I needed to talk to Nicola, but I couldn’t imagine us having a civil discussion over anything like that, and it probably wouldn’t end well.

“Your family are here now,” she said as Don and Daniel walked into the room. “Think about what I said, and I’ll see you soon, okay?”

‘Maybe sooner than you think’.

I promised to keep her informed before throwing my bag at a surprised looking Daniel. “I’m not well enough to carry anything,” I said and he sighed.

‘Good start Robbie’.

I had been given a shopping list of outpatient appointments to keep, so I was going to be a regular visitor over the next few months. I was planning on buying Lorna something, to show my appreciation for looking after me. It may have only been ten days, but it was a traumatic experience, which could have been a lot worse had it not been for her. She had been with me throughout, and even though I was unconscious for most of the time, I was going to miss her looking after me.

Lorna had bandaged me, washed me, dressed me, hugged me, fed me, kept me warm, cooled me down, talked to me when I was asleep, and sat with me while I threw up. Now she trying her hand at a bit of family guidance, but I didn’t mind, she had earned that right. She would joke that she knew me better than her boyfriend who she was living with, but I guess she never had to hold his dick while he took a leak.

* * * * *

Ten days after I was taken unconscious to Northumberland Hills Hospital, I was able to walk out under my own steam. Anyone watching though would have been forgiven for thinking that I had been in there since January as I strolled in the twenty-eight-degree heat to Don’s car, dressed in thick jeans and a fleece top.

I was going to thank Nicola later but I soon forgot, placated by Don’s air-con and a route that took us through the Dairy Queen. It was a relief though to finally get home, almost two weeks after my previous attempt, and when we did, probably for the first time ever it actually felt like home. There were familiar smells and one of them belonged to Amy who rather predictably smothered me the moment that I walked through the door. I had been expecting it though; anything less would have been a disappointment.

“Amy, please,” said Sue, “give him room to breathe.” She released her grip only for me to drag her back again screaming. Then I lifted her up, sending everyone into a panic.

“I’m okay,” I said, “I’m feeling much better now.” Nicola looked a little sceptical and she had reason to be. Lifting Amy was something that I did all the time before the accident, but I was surprised by how difficult it had become and I had to put her down quickly when the sudden movement brought on a spell of dizziness.

“Are you okay?” said Nicola as I took a step backwards.

“I’m fine, she’s getting heavier that’s all.” Even with my head still spinning though, Sue’s worried glance towards her daughter was noticeable.

‘When did Nicola start worrying about me’?

“Are you gonna be okay going downstairs?” she asked and I gave her a dirty look. “Well, look what happened the last time.”

“I should be fine as long as nobody pushes me,” I said, but my legs were a bit wobbly as I walked towards the stairs and common sense kicked in forcing me into a last second diversion to the safety of the dining room. Embarrassed by my inability to negotiate a set of steps—which in the past I had run down two at time—I tried to make it look deliberate, but Sue followed me and ordered me to sit down.

“Are you sick again Robbie?” asked Amy. She was concerned about me, but I snapped back at her.

“Leave me alone; I’m okay!” It was the first time that I had ever raised my voice at her and I think it shocked her a little. Nicola removed her sister and Sue brought me in some tablets for a headache that I didn’t even know that I had until then. My homecoming was going fine up until the point where I decided to pick up Amy, and I was quick to admit the stupidity of that decision.

I woke to the unmistakable sound of cutlery against china, against a background of conversation and the smell of hot food. I was lying on one of the sofas in the upstairs living room, covered with a light sheet. The headache and dizziness had gone and I was hungry. The meals at the hospital may have been nutritional, but they tasted like cardboard and were only slightly preferable to starvation, so the smell of a home-cooked meal proved impossible to resist.

‘They’re eating dinner without me’!

Walking into the dining room with my hair sticking up and the sheet still draped over my shoulders was all it took to make Amy laugh and a smile was enough for her to forgive me my earlier grumble. To be certain though, I ruffled her hair to bring it into line with my own disorganised look.

As I took my seat at the table, Sue handed me a plate and stared critically into my eyes making me look away. “Are you feeling okay now honey?”

“Yes, thank you,” I said calmly, “I was just a little tired that’s all.” Maybe it was the unexpected politeness that that threw her, but I could see that she wasn’t convinced.

“You can go to bed early tonight,” she said “and rest all day tomorrow. There’s nothing that you need to do.” After a week of ridiculously early bedtimes at the hospital, I was looking forward to staying up late for a change and watch television.

There was a flash, nothing more, but a brief recollection of something from the past. I closed my eyes attempting to bring it back, but it had gone. I had done that before, maybe a few times, staying up late and watching movies with Daniel and Nathan. It was a tiny fragment of memory replayed, almost too quick to make any sense. Those memories, although damaged, weren’t lost forever. They were in my head somewhere; I just needed to find a way of getting them out.

“Does that sound good to you?” said Don. His voice and the turn of heads in my direction brought me out of my daydream.

“I wasn’t listening, sorry,”

“I was just explaining about tomorrow,” he said. “You can’t be left on your own, so Daniel and Nicola are going to take turns staying with you.”

“The three of us can take turns,” said Sue.

“Mom, I’m supposed to be meeting Jimmy tomorrow.”

‘Who’s Jimmy’?

“You can come back for a couple of hours, Nicola surely?” said Don as I sat there confused.

“You can bring Jimmy back here,” said Daniel, and he wiggled his eyebrows, teasing his sister. “You know for some fun.”

“Daniel please,” said Sue and he yelped and reached for his shin after a kick from Nicola.

“Like that’s gonna happen with Robbie here,” said Nicola.

“He’ll probably forget about it before they get home,” said Daniel and he and his sister shared a laugh. I was still feeling a little groggy from my sleep and laughed along with them, unaware that I was the brunt of their joke. Don and Sue though didn’t find it funny and sent them to the kitchen to start cleaning up. It was usually me who helped Daniel, and Nicola wasn’t exactly pleased with having to fill in.

“You're excused any chores while you’re not well,” added Don and I could hear Nicola huffing from the kitchen, which for some reason made me feel a lot better.

“We would do the same for you,” said Don.

“Whatever,” came the reply.

“Welcome home Robbie,” said Don with a smile. I had forgotten how much fun family meals could be, although I didn’t remember it ever being that unruly at the dinner table before. There was a lot that I still couldn’t remember.

Sue insisted that I sit upstairs where they were able to keep an eye on me, but I was already feeling bored and restless.

“Where are you all going tomorrow then?” I asked.

“Tomorrow is Canada Day, Robbie,” said Don as he sat down opposite me. “You know what that is right?”

“Is it a holiday?”

“Yes, it’s the first of July and a national holiday. There’s a lot going on, but you’re not going to be missing anything.”

Whenever I had been told as a kid that I wasn’t going to miss something, I generally ended up missing something that turned out to be a lot of fun. Likewise, a police officer will only tell you that there’s nothing to see when there is actually something to see. Applying the same principle, I knew that by staying home all day, I would definitely be missing out on a lot.

“Can’t I come with you?” You would have thought that I was asking to go on a picnic at Chernobyl.

“Sorry Robbie, it’s far too dangerous, you’re barely out of hospital,” said Don.

‘How can it be dangerous’?

“They’ll be lots of people,” added Sue.

‘That’s why I wanna go’.

“Why can’t he go mom?” asked Nicola. “He’ll probably be safer with you guys than he would be here.” I couldn’t see her in the kitchen but I liked what I heard.

“He needs to rest,” said Don.

“Then that’s the best place for him,” she said. Then she walked out of the kitchen to look at me. “The Rotary Club is just a lot of old people talking Robbie, it’s really boring. Next year, I’ll take you to the real party.” I smiled back at her, it was a nice offer but I wasn’t interested in next year.

“But there’s nothing for me to do around here on my own.”

“You’re not supposed to be doing anything,” said Don. “Complete rest is what they said at the hospital.”

“And you won't be on your own either,” added Sue.

I threw my arms in the air and then folded them in front of me. It wasn’t fair at all; I had never heard of Canada Day before, but it seemed like it was going to be fun.

“I can only be here in the morning,” said Nicola, causing a squabble with Daniel, who had arranged to meet his friends at the fair at midday.

“What kind of fair? You mean like a funfair with rides and stuff?” I said.

“That is definitely out of bounds for you,” said Don and I could see his point. I didn’t need to be spun around in a teacup to feel dizzy, and no roller coaster ride could scare me as much as those dreams.

“I can stay with Robbie.”

“Thank you, Amy,” I said, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

“I can be here in the afternoon,” said Sue, “but I want to go to the art fair in the morning. Oh, that reminds me, Robbie. Fran’s renting a booth there, she’ll be selling some of her paintings. She sends her love and wants to visit you.”

‘Fran, I remember now’.

I smiled as I recalled some of our times together, but I couldn’t remember how it ended.

The only thing that everyone seemed to agree on, was that the firework display in the evening would be awesome, and there was no mention of this on my list from the hospital.

“I’ll be back home by then,” said Sue. “I’ll have Amy with me, we can still see the display from here.” Amy certainly liked the idea, but I would have preferred to be at the beach with everyone else.

‘Nathan didn’t mention it; I wonder what he’s doing’?

“Next year, you can spend the whole day there and do whatever you want,” said Sue, feeling sorry for my long face, but I had heard enough about next year and I stood up quickly to storm off to the bathroom. It was too quick and I was dizzy again as I turned into the hallway. They didn’t notice and I didn’t tell them, choosing instead to sit in the bathroom and wait until it passed.

‘What makes them think that I’ll still be around next year’?

* * * * *

I had a quick look around the bedroom. I wasn’t tired yet, but I was going to enjoy sleeping in my bed again. “I’m in the wrong room,” I announced, “this is far too tidy.”

“I cleaned up,” said Daniel and he looked proud of his efforts, but I was a little suspicious.

“You did this? I don’t believe you. I’ve never seen you put anything away.”

“You probably just don’t remember it,” he said.

“Funny.”

“Nicola made him do it,” said Amy, “she shouted at him.”

“That makes sense.”

“No, she didn’t,” insisted Daniel. “And you’re not allowed in here, so get out!”

“I’m helping Robbie,” she said, “can I help you?”

“Robbie doesn’t need help doing nothing,” said Nicola. She had come to drag Amy upstairs to bed and I followed them out into the family room.

“Nicola.”

“What?”

“I need to talk to you about something.” She stopped and turned around. “Alone.”

“Is it about Adam?”

“No, it’s Na…Adam? Who's Adam?”

She rolled her eyes at me. “I’ll be back.”

I waited in the kitchen and started making some coffee, while Nicola took Amy off to bed. Sue was in the living room trying to ignore Daniel, who was bugging her about some extra money for the fair.

“You shouldn’t drink coffee,” said Nicola and she took the cup off me.

“Why not?”

“Caffeine’s not good for your brain.”

“Rubbish, you’re just making that up.” I took another cup from the cupboard, but she had positioned herself in front of the coffee machine, arms crossed. “Outta the way!”

I could hear Sue talking in the living room. “Stoppit please!” she said.

“She won't let me have a drink,” I said.

“It’s bad for him. He can have milk.”

“I don’t want milk.”

“Nothing then!”

“Fuck you,” I said under my breath, before storming into the living room and throwing myself down onto the couch in a huff, but it didn’t escape Sue’s dog-like hearing.

“I don’t care if you’re not well, Robbie, you know the rules,” she said as she walked over and held a jar of dollar coins in front of my face.

I was confused. “What?”

“A dollar please,” she said. I stared at the jar but it wasn’t familiar to me and I shrugged my shoulders.

“I don’t understand; is this for me?” I reached out to take it from her, but she slapped my hand and Nicola and Daniel laughed.

“You really don’t remember honey?” said Sue, and I shook my head. She believed me, but Nicola wasn’t convinced.

“How convenient that he forgets, don’t listen to him mom, he’s fooling you for sympathy.”

“And to get out of paying into the swear box,” said Daniel.

“Stoppit, the pair of you,” said Sue, “he’s not trying to fool anyone. It’s not his fault that he can’t remember. You’ll both need to make exceptions for him until he gets better.” Nicola rolled her eyes, I could remember her doing that quite a lot in the past.

“You’re supposed to put money into it, honey,” said Sue, “whenever you swear.”

“Oh, okay,” I said, “I’ve got money.” I reached into my pocket for a dollar, but Sue had already taken the jar away. I suppose she couldn’t enforce a rule that I didn’t know about.

“It’s okay, just try to remember in future not to use bad language indoors, if you can that is.”

“He’s a fake,” said Nicola.

“NICOLA!” shouted Don. He had been working in his study and had clearly heard enough to rile him. He marched red-faced into the room looking like he was about to blow. “What’s this about? You should be looking after him not having a bloody go at him.”

“Fine,” she said through gritted teeth. “I’m sorry, do you want me to get you anything, Robbie?”

“A coffee,” I said and pulled a face at her, which had her dad not been there would have got me a slap.

Don rarely lost his temper but if he did, he was generally quick to recover his composure. “Robbie’s gonna need a little time Nicola. We’re gonna have to make allowances for that and help him all we can.”

“But dad…,” said Nicola.

He put his hand up to stop her. “that includes you, Nicola.” Then he patted me on the shoulder and I smiled up at him, grateful for his support. Nicola tutted and narrowed her eyes at me suspiciously before returning to the kitchen, while Sue, looking drained, joined me on the sofa, leaving the swear box behind, and the loonie in my pocket.

She was blatantly invading my no touching zone as she put her arm around me for a hug, but I was prepared this time to make an exception, and it actually felt nice. When I looked at her though, she had tears welling up in her eyes.

“I’m so glad you’re home,” she said. “You had us all very worried for a while.”

“I didn’t mean it,” I said and she patted my knee.

“I know dear, I’m just pleased to have my boy back home again,” she said, but it made me feel uncomfortable.

“Here’s your coffee!” said Nicola smartly, and she put it down on the table in front of me.

“What, no biscuits?” I couldn’t help it, but Nicola kept her cool and bit her lip.

“I don’t want any more arguments,” said Sue. “I’m sure the two of you argue for the sake of it sometimes.”

“If he wasn’t such a jerk all of the time,” said Nicola as she walked away.

“Takes one to know one,” I said.

“No more,” said Sue, and Daniel started laughing. I suppose she had a point. Even when we liked each other, Nicola and I were at each other’s throats. We couldn’t help it; it was meant to be!

* * * * *

“Can I come in?” she asked, poking her head around the bedroom door.

“You already are.” I had been expecting her though.

“What are you doing?”

“Putting stuff away,” I said. I was sitting on my bed sorting out my clothes that Sue had washed. I liked to have some kind of order so I knew where everything was and I had a lot of spare time now to do it.

She shut the door and came over to sit beside me, making me nervous, and even though I had asked to see her, I still contemplated running for the door.

“I thought I’d come down and cheer you up,” she said, which was a blatant lie. “Do you remember who Adam is yet?”

“I don’t think I know anyone called Adam.”

“Do you think that maybe you swapped Nathan’s name for Adam.” I stared at the mirror on the door.

‘That’s exactly what I did, I did it to stop her from knowing, but she knows already’.

“You told me anyway,” she said, “when you were in the hospital, but you won't remember.”

“What else did I tell you?”

“Everything,” she said with a hint of a smile.

“Fuck off, there’s no way that I would have told you everything, I don’t even know everything myself.”

“But you did then,” she said, “you’ve just forgotten it since.”

“So you know more about me than I do.” This was becoming confusing.

“Probably.”

“Can you fill me in then, because I don’t have a clue!” She laughed but I was very serious and not very comfortable with the thought that Nicola may know things about me that even I didn’t even know, or did know but had since forgotten, and she knew it too.

“How long?”

“How long what?”

“How long have you been fooling around with Nathan?” she said. “What’s wrong, don’t you trust me?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” I said, although I still wasn’t sure whether I did or not. “I just don’t know.”

“You’re embarrassed?”

“A little…yes I am,” I said, and I think I had reason to be. Nicola had never offered herself as an agony aunt before and was the last person in the world who I would have wanted to talk to about Nathan. The big sister role was a bad fit as far as I was concerned.

“You don’t have to be embarrassed,” she said, but I could barely bring myself to look at her. “I’ve talked to Nathan about this too.”

I turned to her. “You have?”

“That got you interested didn’t it?” She was right, of course, and I was eager to find out what was said.

“What did he say?”

“Not a lot, he was shocked at first that I knew, but he laughed after I explained how I found out.”

‘Yeah, funny for him maybe’?

“Have you told anyone?”

“No! Why would I do that…I might hate your guts sometimes, but I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t out you while you were in a coma. That wouldn’t be fair?” It would never have crossed my mind that Nicola would be prevented from doing something because it wasn’t fair.

“So does that mean you’re gonna do it now that I’m better?”

“You’re not better yet Robbie,” she said. “I can see it and so can mom. They should have kept you in the hospital for a few more days at least.” That didn’t really answer my question though. “No, of course, I’m not gonna say anything. Look, I know that we haven’t exactly been close since you arrived.” I smirked at her understatement. “But you’re such a jerk sometimes.”

“Thanks.”

“And you annoy the fuck out of me.”

“Did you say that you came down here to cheer me up?” I said. “Because it’s not working. Try being nice, it works well for everyone else.”

“Try losing the sarcasm dickhead. I stuck up for you at school.”

“I heard, and Nathan told me that you got suspended for fighting.”

“Yeah, Jimmy got bashed in the eye. He came to my rescue but Jake floored him.”

“I don’t know who Jake is or Jimmy?”

“They’re my boyfriends.”

“Both of them?”

“Yes, but not at the same time, you dick. Anyway, Naomi bit him on the leg.” I narrowed my eyes at her as I tried to unravel her story.

“Naomi’s a dog right?” The name was familiar.

“Now you’re being nasty, I don’t know why I bother with you.”

“What did I say?”

“Naomi bit Jake’s leg because he was attacking me, she’s my best friend and then Jimmy jumped on his back.”

I was shocked, I would have paid good money to see that. “Did anyone get it on video?”

“I hope not, it wouldn’t have looked good, Jake had me pinned to the bonnet of his car!”

“Probably not the first time,” I said and she stopped herself from hitting me at the last second.

“If you weren’t a walking vegetable, I would’ve hurt you then.”

‘Shit, now she’s got the taste of blood, there’ll be no stopping her’.

“Naomi sends her love by the way.” That was the point when I remembered her and it made me shiver.

“Sorry for calling her a dog.”

“She likes you,” she said. I knew that, but it was odd hearing Nicola say it. “She’ll be disappointed when she finds out about you.”

“Then maybe it’s best if she doesn’t,” I said. “I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings.”

Nicola laughed. “It might be the only way that you’ll get her off your back.”

“Yeah,” I said, “I heard that once she gets her teeth into a guy, she doesn’t let go.”

“Very funny,” she said and laughed. “Is that what happened with Nathan. Did he get his teeth into you?”

“No, it was me who chased him actually.”

‘I think it was’.

I could remember talking to him at the bus stop and in the cafeteria and even indoors in the bedroom with Daniel.

“Really?” she said, “you’re full of surprises.”

“I’ve always liked him, even before we met…I liked him when Daniel first described him to me.”

'In Don’s car coming from school. My first day of extra math. I remember it perfectly’.

“Oh wow…I see. I thought that maybe you were just…I dunno…curious?”

I laughed. “Because of Fran, you mean.” I could now remember most of what had happened with Fran.

“And you don’t look or act very gay.”

“Oh Nicola, please.”

“Okay, I know, but it’s the truth, you don’t. Nathan does though, and I can see why you like him. He’s a good-looking boy. A little girlie for my tastes, but he’s definitely nice looking.”

“It’s nice to know we won’t ever be chasing the same guy.”

“I’m taking that as a joke because Nathan loves the hell out of you Robbie. You must know that much, right?” I nodded and smiled. “Although I can’t think why.”

“Neither can I.”

“Is it mutual?”

“I don’t know, I’m only just finding out. It’s almost like I’ve had to meet him all over again.”

“Well, the wedding’s gonna be a hoot.” She laughed and pushed me before apologising. “Are you gonna tell mom and dad or Daniel?”

“Shit, you know I can’t do that.”

“I didn’t think so, but I’m sure that mom knows something already.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Nathan tried his best to visit you at times when mom wasn’t there, but he couldn’t always avoid her.”

“So, he was only visiting.”

“You don’t think that it might have looked a little odd to see Daniel’s friend there so often?”

I shrugged. “Maybe…but then why hasn’t she said anything?”

Nicola smiled and tried to push my hair out of my eyes before I waved her hand away. “Could be she’s just happy that she doesn’t have a funeral to arrange.” Then she stood up and walked out of the room. “I have to go; we can talk more tomorrow if you want when I’m babysitting you. See you later shitface.” I watched her as she walked out, and thought about what she had said. I knew that I had come pretty close to clocking out for good, but thinking about my own funeral brought it home, and sent chills up my spine.

‘I would have been dead at fifteen. Nathan would have been heartbroken, even Nicola would have been upset. Everything ended by a single blow to the head’.

“Oh, Nicola?” I called after her and she peered around the door.

“What?”

“Tsk, tsk, did you just swear at me? You owe the swear box a loonie.”

“You were pretending; you little fuck, I’m gonna tell mom.” She ran at me and I jumped over the other side of the bed, as she picked up my pillow and aimed it at me.

“Don’t,” I said pointing to my head, “you could kill me.”

“I wouldn’t be that lucky,” she said, but she tossed her feathered weapon onto the bed, and turned for the door. “I knew you were lying.”

“I had no choice.” I sat back down on the bed and smiled, knowing that there was little that she could do to me, now that I had the backing of the whole family.

‘It was worth almost dying for’.