The Cockney Canuck - 115. Chapter 115 Old Habits Die Hard

“It was too long and not enough action for me.”

“What about the movie,” said Rory. “What was that like?”

I giggled down the phone “I was talking about the bloody movie. You dick. When did you get a sense of humour?”

He laughed at me, which made me laugh too. Enough to turn a few heads in my direction on the bus. It was unlike Rory to be making jokes, especially smutty ones, but I liked it. He was referring, of course, to my date the night before with Conner, and giving me a taste of my own medicine.

“Well, he must like you, to want to spend all day in your company. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

“Have you been taking drugs, Rory?”

“No, of course not. Why?”

“I wanna know why you're funny all of a sudden.”

He laughed. “I’m just saying, that was a long date, that’s all.”

He was right. Conner and I spent the whole day together before meeting up again in the evening to catch a movie. I felt a little sorry for his mom who seemed to spend most of the time shuttling her two offspring to and from Cobourg.

After going home to shower and change, Conner arrived back in town with his sister and duly knocked me for six when he stepped out of his mom’s truck dressed to impress.

The twins sure looked stylish for country bumpkins and for Conner it was quite a transformation from the sweaty gorilla I was introduced to the week before. He seemed to get better looking each time we met, or maybe it was just me. I did genuinely like him though.

“He has a really cool personality. He’s funny too, and did I tell you he plays football?”

“Yes,” said Rory. “More than once.”

“Oh. Well, you know. I mean, he’s not perfect, obviously, but….”

“I know you like him, dumbass. Just admit it. You’d like to get intimate with him.”

“Okay, I admit, I wanna have sex with this boy.” I managed to shock Rory along with most of the people riding the bus. It came out louder than I planned, bringing me unwanted attention from a few of the mostly elderly, passengers. I returned their stares with a hesitant smile as the bus pulled up outside the Northumberland Mall, close to the spot where I said goodbye to Conner the night before.

This uninspiring, retail complex with its upstairs Rainbow Cinema had already provided the setting for many of the memorable moments in my limited love life. It was where Nathan and I went on our first and last dates and where Fran once spent an entire movie with her head between my legs.

My date with Conner was relatively tame in comparison and limited to some innocent arm jostling and a quick hug goodbye as we waited for his mom. I wasn’t expecting anything more from our first date, but we arranged to meet again in the week, and I was invited to his farm the following Saturday.

Now I needed to push him out of my mind for what I hoped would be a cordial meeting with my ex.

He used to be the funniest, most adorable boy on the planet, but that day, Nathan looked fairly ordinary when I saw him talking to one of the sales girls outside Dollarama. He must have arrived early to shop for tack, and already had a bag of it attached to his arm along with a dozen or so multi-coloured bracelets. He was laughing with the girl until he saw me and his face turned serious.

He blew her a very animated kiss before turning to confront me as if I were his enemy. His mood hadn’t lightened any since Friday, at least not with me anyway. It seemed, not only unnecessary, but childish. I wasn’t there for a fight. I wanted us to be friends like I was with Fran. He could pout all he wanted, but I greeted him with a smile, determined not to be drawn into a fight.

We sat in the food hall below the cinema, and the first polite word from him cost me six dollars when he thanked me for buying him a blueberry smoothie. He sucked on his drink and stared at me coldly from across the table. It was difficult to believe this was the same boy who not long ago cried every day at my bedside at the hospital. I wondered how it was possible for me to switch so decisively from hero to villain in such a short period without really doing anything wrong.

It was one of the reasons I was there. I needed to know.

“Well, what did you want to say?”

“I wanted to know if you were okay.”

He looked at me as if I were crazy and sighed. “Did we need to meet up for that?”

“There are other things as well.”

“Okay, get on with it.” He was acting like he was in a hurry, glancing at his watch and his phone. Anywhere but me.

“You haven’t answered my first question yet.”

He rolled his eyes and sighed. “Fine. I’m doing okay?”

“Good. I mean, I’m pleased. I’m doing okay too, in case you wanted to know.”

“Not really. I don’t care how you are.”

It was harsh, and I suspected it wasn’t true, but it still hurt me more than it probably should have. They were the kind of words I didn’t want to hear, and my eyes dropped to the table. It was a clear indication of how vulnerable I still was, but I refused to take the bait.

“I miss you,” I said, and he shook his head at me and mumbled. His answer wasn’t even a real word, just a half-hearted, dismissive release of air, and an expression of boredom. He couldn’t have made it any more obvious that he didn’t want to be there.

“I got suspended.”

“I heard.”

“It wasn’t really my fault.”

“Robbie, I don’t really care either way. I didn’t come here for small talk. If you’ve got nothing meaningful to say, then I’ve got better things to do. I’ll see you around.”

He stood up to leave, maybe expecting me to chase after him, but those days had gone. I sat motionless staring at my drink and called his bluff. He hovered for a while and then sat down again in a huff, maybe realising he overstepped the mark.

“Okay, I didn’t mean it when I said I don’t care. I just wanted to hurt you.”

At last, I was able to catch of brief glimpse of the boy I knew. It was enough to give me hope, but it was fleeting.

“Why do you want to hurt me?”

“You walked out on me, without even an explanation. You had no right to do that. It should have been me walking out on you. You made me feel like a fool.”

“I walked away because it was clear you didn’t want to be with me anymore. You were more interested in your career and flirting with everyone. You didn’t even wanna do anything with me anymore.”

“You mean sex?”

Nathan wasn’t exactly whispering, and that word attracted a few unwanted listeners to our conversation. There were a couple of girls seated beside us, who seemed particularly interested and I signalled to Nathan to lower his voice.

“To have sex with someone, you have to be in the same place at the same time. I was never able to see you. You were always grounded, and I’m not welcome in your house. Don and Sue have never liked me. They made that clear.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t pick my family.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to apologise for them, but what really did it was when Alex moved in. That’s when it ended for us.”

“Why?”

His face dropped, and he narrowed his eyes at me. “You honestly don’t know? You lied to me, Robbie. You messed around with him. I found out. If you lied the once, then I have to assume you were lying all the time.”

Any hope I had of salvaging a friendship out of this was now sinking before my eyes. I always knew those two nights I spent with Alex would eventually come back to haunt me. It was the one thing I needed to keep from Nathan at all costs but ultimately failed. I should have told him months ago in the beginning when we first met. He would have forgiven me then.

I tried to think of an answer which didn’t make me look shallow and untrustworthy. There wasn’t one. My eyes dropped to the floor in shame as I offered the only honest explanation I had.

“I was going to tell you.” My answer lacked conviction, and I didn’t even try to sell it to him. It was a lame excuse which didn’t deserve a reply. “I didn’t cheat on you. It happened before we were dating.”

“Oh my God, Robbie. Do you really think I’m that stupid?”

“Yes. I mean No, I don’t, but it’s the truth.”

“You lied to me, why would you do that if you had nothing to hide? You stayed at his house when you ran away. Then he moves in. I heard you were even sharing a bed with him. I know what Alex is like. It’s obvious what’s been going on.”

“I only slept with him for a week, because Sue didn’t trust me with Tom.”

“Really?” he said sarcastically. “I wonder why that would be. Oh, yeah. I remember now. Tom was the boy you were screwing in England!”

The girls beside us seemed to be enjoying the free entertainment, but I no longer cared who overheard us.

“I only slept with Alex twice, and that was before we were dating. And both times he tricked me. I never meant to do anything.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were tricked. That explains everything. He was tricked,” he said to the girls. They looked surprised to be included in the conversation, but I just covered my eyes. “You poor thing. At what point did you realise you were being tricked?”

I tried to think of a response, but I was floundering.

“Who told you all this anyway, and why didn’t you ask me about it at the time?”

“It doesn’t matter I had my suspicions from the day he moved into your house. I’m not stupid.”

“You still should’ve asked me, because I didn’t cheat on you. I swear that’s the truth. If anyone told you any different, then they’re making it up.”

“Alex wouldn’t be able to share a bed with anyone without some kind of sexual activity. Not even for one night.”

“Well he did with me, and that’s the truth. Why don’t you ask him? You’ve got his number, give him a call.”

“I do not have his number. What are you implying? You think I would be friends with Alex Baker? You're just trying to hide your own indiscretions.”

“I know you were speaking to him on the phone when I wasn’t there. Explain that?”

“Yes, he called me a few times. You already knew that. Don’t even try to pin anything on me. The only time I even thought about doing it with someone else, was when I asked you for a threesome and you said no.”

“I told you I would do it as long it wasn’t anyone I know.”

He huffed. “Because you’ve already been with everyone you know.” Then he leaned across the table to me and whispered. “Before you start accusing me of anything, you're the only person I’ve ever been with.”

“Really?”

“Don’t look so surprised. I’m only fifteen.”

“Not ever?”

“No. I told you that when we met.”

“Not even since we split up?”

“It hasn’t been that long, you know.”

I found it odd that this was the only thing he bothered to be discreet about. The one thing he should have been proud of.

I don’t know why I was so surprised to hear it. I had not a shred of evidence to suggest otherwise. It was all conjecture brought on by my own paranoia.

“Me neither,” I said, but he didn’t believe me. “No, honestly. Well, there was one time with my cousin, but I don’t think that counts.”

“YOUR COUSIN?”

“He wasn’t my real cousin.” I laughed. “I’m not that sick.”

Nathan didn’t look as if he agreed, but I was only trying to be honest. I didn’t want to have any skeletons left in the closet, even if we were no longer together.

“I didn’t even know you had any cousins.”

“Neither did I. Anyway, it wasn’t real sex. It was in a car. I just….” Nathan cut me off by covering his ears.

“I don’t wanna hear anymore. Thank you.”

The girls next to us seemed as if they did and I glared at them until they looked away.

It was starting to make sense now why Nathan was so angry at me. He hadn’t done much wrong, other than suggest a threesome. That was the closest he came to sleeping around. He was a terrible flirt, but apparently, I was his only lover, and neither of us was cheating.

“It doesn’t really matter,” he said. “It was never going to last. You're too much of a drama queen for me, Robbie. You're very insecure.”

“Can we still be friends?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Ryan wouldn’t like it.”

“Ryan, who is Ryan?”

“This is Ryan.” He showed me a picture on his phone. He was standing next to a tall Hispanic looking guy. “He’s an actor, we met on the set of the commercial I did. He’s from Toronto.”

“Oh, I see…. He looks nice.”

“He is nice, Very nice. He’s been on TV; you may have even seen him.”

“I doubt it. I only watch the sports.” He nodded and finished his drink. “I thought you said I was the only one you.”

“Sorry, I left out this weekend. I didn’t think it counted. A bit like your cousin.”

“Oh, right. Well, congratulations on number two, I guess.”

“Thank you. Now I really have to go.” He stood up and leaned over to kiss me on the cheek. “Goodbye, Robbie.” He wiped a stray tear from his eye, smudging his mascara, before walking away.

I took a deep breath and smiled at the girls next to me as I thought about what Nathan had said.

‘So who the fuck told him about Alex’?

Nathan refused to reveal his sources, but I had a good idea who, and why.

*     *     *

My mind was already in turmoil when I arrived home, but my day was about to get even worse. There was a strange car in the driveway, and when I kicked off my shoes in the hall, I could see Don in the living room with two suited men. One of them—an elderly man with white hair and a chubby face—was reading from the Bible, and the other man was Mr Symmonds, the counsellor I thought I would never have to see again. Both men turned to face me as I headed to the stairs.

“Here he is now,” said Don, and he stood up to introduce me to the old man. “This is Robbie. The latest addition to the family.

I nodded politely to both men but kept my distance with my hand holding the bannisters. Mr Symmonds gave me a smug grin and asked me how I was feeling.

“Okay,” I said, but my attempt at a smile failed. Once again he caught me at the worst possible moment. He seemed to have a knack for doing that.

“Don told me you collapsed in school.”

He was interrupted by the older man, who seemed more relaxed. “Why don’t you sit down and join us, Robbie?” He pointed to an empty chair next to Don. “We’ve just been studying the Bible with your father, and explaining how we can learn from it to help improve our lives. You may find it interesting.”

I hated it whenever anyone referred to Don as my father. It made me cringe. I didn’t like his condescending tones either and made an excuse to leave.

“I’m tired at the moment, and I’ve got homework to do for tomorrow. Maybe next time.”

Don tried to coax me with a smile he rarely used, but I held firm. I knew he couldn’t make me, but before I could escape, Mr Symmonds stood up and pulled me aside for a private chat.

“I’ve been worried about you.”

I doubted it was true, and shuffled away from his overbearing frame.

“No need, I’m fine.”

“You know it pains me to see kids do this to themselves when their lives could be so much better. It’s not fair to put yourself through all this agony, for no reason.”

I screwed up my face and made to walk away. “I don’t know what you're talking about.”

“It would make a lot more sense if you allowed me to help you.”

“I don’t need your help!” I could see Don looking over. He would have heard that.

Mr Symmonds handed me his card. “Look, I’m always available to talk, even on the phone, and once you understand what it is that’s making you unwell, then you’ll wish you had done it sooner. I’ve helped a lot of teenagers turn their lives around and now they can’t thank me enough.”

“I’ve not been well because I hit my head. You know that.”

“Yes, but I don’t think it’s entirely down to your injury, Robbie, and it isn’t something a doctor can fix either, believe me. All they’ll do is prescribe you drugs you don’t need and send you on your way. They can’t help you because it’s not a medical condition, and they’re not allowed to tell you the truth. They'd lose their job. That’s the way it is here now. The liberals control everything. But it’s not the way God intended. You understand that, right?”

“I’m not sure what I believe anymore.”

“I don’t want to cause you any more stress. I’m on your side. We got off on the wrong foot the other day, and I’m sorry if I upset you. It certainly wasn’t my intention to do that. I want to help you and I can, if you let me.” He looked me in the eye and patted my arm. “You have your whole life ahead of you. There’s no need for you to be miserable.”

I looked at his card and put it in my pocket. “I have to go and get my things ready for school.”

“Oh, I forgot. Your homework.” He smiled at me as if he knew I was lying. “Call me when you're not so busy, and we can arrange to meet. Just for a chat. Or maybe Don can bring you along to one of our meetings. There’s a lot of kids your age. It’s not all boring and serious. We have fun too.”

‘This guy doesn’t give up’.

“I’ll think about it,” I said. I had to give him something, or he wouldn’t leave me alone. I left him at the top of the stairs and checked when I reached the bottom that he wasn’t following me.

I was expecting to find Daniel and Nicola in the basement avoiding the bible study and was surprised to see Alex, on his own watching TV.

“Where is everyone?”

“Sue’s taken Amy and Luke to her friend’s house so your old man could have his bible study. Nicola’s out with her new boyfriend and Daniel’s with his friend, Doug. Just you and me and the preacher makes three.”

‘So much for his family bible study’.

“How long have they been here?”

“You mean those guys upstairs? About an hour. Do you think Don really believes in that crap?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe.” It didn’t seem likely he would go to those lengths just to try to convert me. It was supposed to be a family thing, but when it came to the crunch, it looked as if everyone had jumped ship. Sue’s absence was particularly noticeable. She was always there on Sundays.

It made my task a little more daunting. I would have preferred to have had more people around in case Alex reacted badly, but I couldn’t wait any longer. I needed to confront him while I was still angry, so I took the stage and a precarious position in front of the television screen blocking his view.

“We need to talk.”

“You just did, now can you get out of the way, this is my favourite movie.”

“Die Hard?”

“Yes, now get the fuck outta the way.

“You told Nathan, didn’t you?”

He paused the movie and stared at me.

“What are you talking about?”

“You told him about us, I know you did!”

He looked towards the stairs and signalled for me to be quiet. “You're crazy. Why would I do that?”

“I dunno. You tell me?”

“Who told you this shit?”

“Nathan did!” He must have sworn Nathan to secrecy because he didn’t have an answer prepared, but I was calling his bluff. “Why, Alex?”

“Because he wanted to know.”

“It was a secret. You made me promise never to tell a soul, I wasn’t even allowed to discuss it with you. But you think it’s okay to tell my boyfriend. I trusted you!”

I was reasonably calm, keeping my voice low and with minimum emotion, but inside my guts were churning with anger and disappointment. I caught him unprepared. He looked panicked and anxious to keep our conversation out of Don’s ears.

“You got it all wrong. I did it to protect you.” He jumped up and tried to put his arm around me, but I pushed it away and walked to the bedroom.

“Protect me from who, Nathan?”

“Yes,” he said and I stopped and turned to let him finish. “He wasn’t good for you. He would’ve hurt you. It was your fault. Your mistake, not mine. I had to put it right.” He sounded timid and was understandably worried about my reaction. He had good reason to be concerned; despite my suspicions, I could barely believe what I was hearing.

“You lied to him to destroy our relationship. I can’t believe you did that. He will never forgive me now.” I kicked the sofa in anger, but it was Alex who I wanted to hurt.

“Shut the fuck up, man. I didn’t wreck your relationship. You dumped him, remember?”

“You destroyed any chance I had of getting back with him, and you did it on purpose.”

“I didn’t lie. I just told him the truth!” He was fighting to control his anger. Typically, he would have lost it by now, but there was too much at stake for him to lash out.

I could hear Don saying goodbye to the preacher and Mr Symmonds at the front door, and he would have heard our raised voices too. I paused and looked to the stairs before lowering my voice and continuing.

“He thinks we’ve been messing around since you moved in here. That’s not true.”

“I didn’t tell him that.”

“You let him believe it though.”

“Why would I do that, you're fucking crazy?”

“Because you think I should be with you instead.”

I waited for his reply, but he wouldn’t even look at me. He was upset, and looked as if he was going to cry. This wasn’t the Alex I was used to dealing with. I stared at my remorseful friend as my temper boiled over.

“YOU FUCKING BASTARD!”

I stormed into the bedroom and tried to slam the door, but he caught it and pushed it open, grabbing my t-shirt and ripping it. I lashed out, unleashing a torrent of punches with both hands hitting him in the face and chest. He pushed me away and blocked my punches until he managed to grab my wrists.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He was shaken up, and his face was red and marked where I hit him.

“I HATE YOU, ALEX!”

When he relaxed his grip, I was able to pull my hand free and land another punch on his head, just as Don burst through the door.

He grabbed my arm and yanked me across the room.

“WHAT’S GOING ON?”

“He attacked me,” said Alex. “He’s crazy.”

“He deserved it!” I said, catching my breath and glaring at my friend.

Don was furious, and I received the brunt of his anger.

“YOU’VE BEEN HOME FOR FIVE MINUTES AND YOU'RE ALREADY CAUSING TROUBLE. THIS HAS TO STOP, ROBBIE. DO YOU HEAR ME?”

“It’s not my fault!”

“It never is!”

I knew he wouldn’t believe me and I was fortunate not to be grounded.

“I have to go back to work to prepare for a presentation in the morning. But I don’t know if I can trust you two alone together. I can’t believe this, you're both old enough to know better. What the hell’s wrong with you?”

I sat on my bed and closed my eyes as his voice became distant, and I started to feel sick again.

“ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME, ROBBIE?”

“YES!” I said, but I refused to look at him.

Don was reluctant to leave us on our own, and I didn’t want him to go either, not until Sue returned. I was ordered to stay in my room while he talked to Alex upstairs. Then, half-an-hour later, he came to tell me he was leaving.

“No more fighting. I don’t want the pair of you destroying the house, or each other when I’m gone. Sue will be home soon.”

“Just tell him to keep away from me.”

Don made us promise to behave, but he had no idea what was going on, or how much was at stake. Even I failed to understand the seriousness of the situation until it was too late.

I knew I had been guilty of leading Alex on. It was a game I played, which I usually got away with. I was exempt from his bullying because of our secret history, and I knew he liked me. It afforded me special status and privileges no one else had so I encouraged it, allowing him to believe there was more between us than there was. I did it for my own advantage but I never bothered to question where it was leading or what he would eventually demand in return.

I was calm when Don left, but still angry at the boy who I once regarded as a friend. I didn’t want to talk to him, or even look at him, but Alex was desperate to justify his actions and make it up to me.

He was in the family room watching Die Hard, but it wasn’t long before Don’s instructions were ignored. I heard him pause the movie and after several unanswered knocks opened the bedroom door. He stepped in tentatively with his hands in the air.

“What do you want?”

“Don’t hit me, man.” He was smiling and trying to be nice by praising my slightly unorthodox fighting skills. “I didn’t know you could punch like that. You had me on the ropes back there.” I knew different, he hadn’t even tried to fight me. If he had, it would have been a different story.

“Whatever.”

“I want us to be friends. I don’t like it when you're mad at me. That’s not how it’s supposed to be.”

“How is it supposed to be then, Alex?”

“You and me, man. That’s what you want, right? You’ve made it fucking obvious.” As he walked towards me, I instinctively backed away, until I felt the wall behind me, then cringed as he put his hands on my hips.

I pushed them away. “Tell me this is a joke.”

“Don’t act like you don’t know. I see the way you are around me. I know you like me. We both know it. You’ve been making a play for me since we first hooked up. Nathan was bad for you. He embarrassed you.”

I had my back to the wall, and he was right in front of me breathing in my face. When I tried to move sideways, he blocked me with his arm.

“You're crazy.”

“Wait a minute, hear me out. Don’t be angry. I need to tell you something. Yesterday was my birthday; I’m sixteen now, and I made a decision.”

“It was your birthday yesterday?”

“Yeah,” he said proudly. He beamed a huge smile at me but was still way too close for comfort.

“Why didn’t you say something? No one knew.”

“I knew.”

“You should have told us.”

“Why?”

“We would have bought you birthday cards and presents.”

He laughed at me. “I’m not into that shit. Birthday cards are for losers like you. My old man never remembered my birthday, anyhow.”

“What about when you were younger?”

“I never got a birthday card.”

“Not even once?”

“Nope. It never bothered me.”

“It would me. So you’ve never received a single birthday card in your entire life?”

“I just told you that, dickhead.” He grabbed my t-shirt and pushed me into the wall.

I felt sorry for him. It was his sixteenth birthday, and no one even knew. He just sat at home in the basement all day while we all tried to ignore him as usual. It was a reminder of how shitty his life had been as a kid, and to a certain extent still was.

“It’s not too late. If I tell Don, he might take us for a meal. We can still do something.”

“I know we can.” He placed his hand between my legs and squeezed my balls, making me jump.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“C’mon, Robbie. I’m not imagining this. There’s an attraction between us, and you can’t deny it. No one’s here; we can do whatever you want.”

I didn’t want to encourage him, but I needed to be honest, and there was a lot of truth in what he said. I was attracted to him, and there were times when I had made it abundantly clear, but he had taken it completely out of context.

“I like you, Alex, I won't deny it, but it’s not what you think. I don’t wanna relationship with you.”

“That’s not true and I don’t care who knows anymore. You can tell everyone about us.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“What are you talking about. We had sex. That was special.”

“It wasn’t for me.”

“LIAR.” He slapped me hard on the cheek, making me wince, then apologised.

‘He’s out of his mind’.

I couldn’t believe we were even having this conversation. Alex was more messed up than I thought. He was delusional, scary, and convinced I wanted to be with him.

“That was eight months ago, Alex. It doesn’t make me your boyfriend.”

“You're right, eight months is too long.”

He was all over me, rubbing the front of my jeans and pressing his cheek against mine. It was the closest he came to kissing me and I was sure he wanted to.

“I don’t wanna do this, Alex.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I mean, no, I don’t want to.”

“Are you sure, because that’s not the message I’m getting.”

I was betrayed by an errant penis which hadn’t been touched by anyone other than me in months. If Alex excelled at one thing, it was this. He had charm in abundance and was using every ounce in a blatant attempt to seduce me.

Less than an hour earlier I was throwing punches at him, and I had to remind myself that this was the guy who had deliberately jeopardised my relationship with Nathan. I hated his guts but still allowed him to unbutton my jeans and reach into my briefs. We had been alone for less than ten minutes. It was impressive even by Alex’s high standards, and I wondered what Nathan would have thought.

I closed my eyes and bit down on my lip as he pushed my underwear to my knees, and then squeezed my dick hard in his fist making me squirm.

“What’s wrong, I thought you liked me hurting you?”

“I told you I don’t wanna do this.”

“I can play that game if you want. I can even tie you up if it turns you on. I know what you like. I know everything about you.”

‘Has he been stalking me or something’?

Even as Alex began pumping my dick, I hated myself, and I knew it would only get worse. I wanted him to stop but could muster precious little resistance other than a few half-baked pleas, punctuated by involuntary groans. Anyone watching would have seen it as encouragement, and when he dropped to his knees in front of me, I whimpered and gripped the wall behind.

This was new ground for Alex. Something he refused to do during our previous hookups, and proof perhaps of his newfound sexual identity. I always suspected he was more gay than straight, but his performance left no doubts about his sexuality. If this was his first time, then he took to it like a duck to water. I was certain no straight guy could ever have devoured a penis with as much vigour and enthusiasm as he did that afternoon.

He left me dangling on the edge and gasping for breath but shamed by my own complicity. He didn’t get it. There was no way to make him understand. He was convinced my objections were just a game and there was an element of truth to this which even confused me. A grey area I found impossible to define which ultimately provided him with an excuse to ignore my protests and do whatever he wanted. I wasn’t sure myself what stage it stopped being a game, so how could I expect him to know.

There was one thing I knew for sure. I didn’t want him inside me. Our last time together was painful and humiliating, and I was desperate to avoid a repeat. As I watched him undress though, I got the feeling that was where it was heading.

‘Where’s Sue? Why isn’t she back yet’?

It was inconceivable that Alex would volunteer his services without demanding something substantial in return. So rather than try to reason with him, I panicked and ran into the family room, pulling my pants up on the way.

He caught me by the stairs and wrestled me to the floor.

“Alex, I mean it. I don’t wanna do this.”

“C’mon, man. Don’t pretend you didn’t know where this was going. I’ll finish you off in a minute.”

“I don’t care about that. Look, we need to talk, okay. This will only make things worse.”

“No, it’s not okay. You’ve been flirting with me since we met. You fucked with my head. I told you how much I care about you, and now you wanna change your mind. It’s too fucking late for that now. I look after you in school, you even stayed at my house when you ran away. You owe me.”

“So you want me to have sex with you for helping me out. Is that it? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?”

He pushed me back and grabbed my wrists, pinning them against the floor, either side of my head. Behind him I could Bruce Willis, still frozen in mid-sentence. I hated those movies.

“You like it when I do this, don’t you? You're fucking weird. The more I hurt you, the more excited you get.”

“Do I look excited to you?”

He grabbed my face and squeezed my cheeks. Then stood up, pulled me to my feet, and pushed me against the wall.

“Don’t ruin this. You're the only one I can do this with.” He ran his hand across my hair and down my cheek, tracing my nose and lips with his thumb. “You liked it when I did it for you. Now it’s your turn to make me happy. That’s how it works. YOU KNOW HOW IT FUCKING WORKS!”

“Stoppit, you're hurting me.”

‘Where the fuck is Sue? She should be home by now’.

“Don’t do this to me, Robbie. I know you like it. You enjoyed it before.”

“That was different.”

“FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!”

He snapped, grabbing my t-shirt and slamming me hard against the wall hitting the back of my head. It felt like the same place as my original injury, and I cried out in pain. He didn’t realise. I don’t think it even crossed his mind that he could really hurt me, but the stakes were raised, and suddenly I feared for my life.

I closed my eyes tight to stop my tears and bit down on my lip to take my mind off the pain. I was ready to do whatever he wanted, but I wasn’t sure if I was physically capable anymore.

“You hurt me, Alex.”

“I’m trying not to hurt you. I don’t wanna do that. I really don’t.” He rested his forehead against mine as tears rolled down my cheeks. “We don’t need to tell anyone. It’s our secret? Just you and me. That’s how it will be from now on, okay? I’ll look after you, I promise. All you have to do is keep me happy.”

I could feel his penis hot and wet against my stomach as he pushed his hips into me and then sucked in a mouthful of flesh from my neck. He wasn’t in his right mind. It wasn’t Alex anymore. It didn’t even sound like him.

I was more scared than I had ever been before. Too frightened to speak or put up any further resistance. Out of self-preservation, I closed my eyes and allowed him to push me to my knees.

The next few minutes were the worst of my entire life.

He was violent and abusive. Gripping the side of my head, and forcing me onto him repeatedly as I gagged and choked.

It was only a couple of minutes, but it felt like an hour.

He left me lying on the floor with the room spinning. I could hear him crying in the background, but I couldn’t see him as I dragged myself shaking to my knees and held onto the wall to stand. My mouth was numb, and my face was stinging and bleeding. My eyes were sore and swollen, but I was too shocked to cry or make any sense of what happened. I stumbled to the bathroom in a daze, my legs barely holding my weight. Then knelt in front of the toilet to spit semen, blood, and saliva, before throwing up and crawling into the corner to sob.