The Cockney Canuck - 162. Chapter 162 Alex the Snail

I was still half asleep as I trudged to the bathroom early Tuesday morning and stood on a fluffy pink rug to pee. In front of me, taped to the wall at eye level, was a crudely written list of instructions in red marker.

‘Don’t pee on the rug. Don’t leave the seat up. Don’t leave clothes on the floor. Don’t leave bad odours. Clean up all mess.’

There were a lot of don’ts on that list, but it was self-defeating. I was unable to read and pee accurately at the same time, and the first rule was broken immediately. Now I understood why Daniel was so opposed to Nicola moving into the basement. Our once bland but functional bathroom had been completely feminised overnight.

The counter was cluttered with female products, and there was a bra hanging menacingly on the back of the door. The cups looked enormous and brought back mixed memories of the now infamous night with Stephanie in the bed now occupied by Nicola and Amy.

They were still fast asleep when I crept past them on my way back to the familiar and safe, sweaty boy odour of our bedroom. My still-warm bed was a welcome sight, and my brother’s gentle snoring from across the room soon lulled me back to sleep, but my rest was short-lived.

When Daniel woke me at half past six, Nicola had already occupied the bathroom, turning our preschool routine on its head, and infuriating my brother. He paced the basement in his underwear, cursing his sister, while I dressed and took Amy upstairs. On a school day, Sue was always up before us, preparing breakfast and organising our day, so I was surprised to see the house still in darkness.

“Where’s mom?”

“I don’t know, Amy. She probably overslept.” I turned on the lights and made my sister a bowl of cereal before checking the garage. Don’s car wasn’t there, so he must have left early.

‘How does he survive with so little sleep? I swear he’s not human.’

“Why were they fighting last night?”

“They weren’t fighting, Amy. They were just having a disagreement. It’s nothing to worry about.”

My sister knew when I was lying, and she gave me a disapproving look that made me uncomfortable before saying something that grabbed my attention.

“Daddy has a girlfriend.”

I was surprised by Amy’s statement, but I knew she wouldn’t just make something like that up.

“How do you know?”

“My friend told me.”

“What friend?”

“The girl I was playing with at the church. He stays at her house sometimes.”

“He stays at her house?”

“Yes, with her mom.”

I stared across the table at my sister as she finished her cereal and scraped back her chair. “Have you told anyone else?”

She shook her head. “I need to get dressed, and you have to make my lunch.”

“Shit!” It was almost seven thirty, and my sister was still in her nightdress. I sent her upstairs to change into her school clothes and grabbed something from the fridge to make her a sandwich. I figured the sound of her bounding up the stairs would be enough to wake Sue, but my plan failed, and I nearly choked when Amy appeared ten minutes later in a summer dress that looked totally inappropriate.

“No, no, no, you can’t wear that!”

“But I like this.”

“I don’t care. You can’t wear it to school. What do you usually wear?” I led her back to her room and told her to take off the dress while I searched her wardrobe for something more suitable. I was out of my depth; I knew nothing about girl's clothing and paid little attention to what she usually wore to school. When I turned around, she was naked. “Yikes! What are you doing? I only asked you to take off your dress.” I covered my eyes and turned away, cursing my stupidity.

This wasn’t the kind of task usually associated with brothers. I should have been downstairs texting Rory about the weekend football results, not rummaging through my sister’s drawers, trying to find something for her to wear that wasn’t going to get her sent home with a suspension. I found a pair of leggings in her drawer that looked vaguely familiar, so I tossed them over my shoulder along with a vest and a pair of knickers, which for some reason, Amy found amusing. I was out of my comfort zone and too scared to turn around, even at the sound of Sue’s groggy voice.

“What’s going on?”

“Robbie’s helping me get ready.”

“Well, he’s not doing a very good job of it. Why didn’t you wake me?” Sue stood beside me in her dressing gown and pointed to the ceiling. “How did they get up there?”

“He threw them up there,” laughed Amy.

When I looked over my shoulder, Amy was still undressed, and her knickers were hanging from the light fitting.

I covered my eyes again. “Can you tell her to put something on, please?”

“I can’t reach,” said Amy.

“She’s your little sister,” said Sue. “Stop being so dramatic.” She grabbed another pair of knickers from the drawer and handed them to Amy as Nicola appeared in the doorway.

“Why is everyone up here?”

“I overslept,” said Sue while trying to keep a straight face. “Robbie was helping Amy to get dressed.” Nicola followed Sue's eyes to the light fitting, and my embarrassment was complete.

“You dork!”

“Fine! That’s the last time I help anyone around here!” I threw the vest I was holding on the floor in a temper and ran downstairs, vowing never to return. I decided school uniforms weren’t such a bad idea after all.

Amy made it out in time to catch her bus, but I was still sulking. I finished my breakfast, put the bowl in the sink and pushed past Nicola to grab my coat.

“What’s up with him?” asked Daniel as he stepped out of the way.

“He saw Amy naked,” smirked Nicola before heading out the door.

Daniel chuckled and walked behind her. “I’m sure he’ll get over it.”

As usual, I was the last to leave, struggling with my coat as the bus reached the top of the hill. Sue waited by the door and kissed me on the cheek.

“Thank you for your help this morning. If you want, you can go to Nathan or Rory’s house after school; just call to let me know.”

I thought it was a strange thing to say. Was this a reward for helping Amy or another attempt to keep me away from Don? I was inclined to believe the latter. Sue seemed to be doing everything she could to keep me out of the house.

After spending much of the past year-and-a-half being forced to stay indoors because of injury or punishment, perhaps I should have been thankful for this sudden reversal, but all it did was make me nervous.

‘Maybe Jo was right about Don, after all.’

My counsellor had warned me to be wary of him more times than I could remember, and she was rarely wrong about anything, but on this issue, I was pretty sure I knew best. I had tested Don’s patience numerous times, and only recently had I ever felt really threatened, so Sue was probably over-cautious. Whatever her reasons, this newfound freedom came with obvious benefits that were impossible to resist.

*     *     *

At lunchtime, I joined Rory, David, Fran, and Nathan at our usual table to eat and exchange stories about our weekend activities. I waited while Rory told them about the ill-fated sailing lesson before wading in with news about my parent’s divorce. David reached across the table to touch my arm.

“I’m sorry, man.”

“Well, I’m not. I’ll be happy to see the back of him.”

Rory understood why. He witnessed Don’s nasty side at the harbour and was concerned for my safety. “Just stay out of his way and don’t get into any more arguments.”

“I’m not frightened of him.”

Rory wasn’t convinced by my bravado and repeated his offer of sanctuary. “If you ever need to get away, you know you can stay with me.”

I appreciated his kindness more than Nathan, who dropped his fork to interrupt our moment.

“Thank you, Rory, but my boyfriend already has a place to stay. I can look after his needs.”

“I bet,” chuckled David before Fran’s elbow brought him into line.

Nathan wasn’t usually jealous, so I was surprised by his reaction, which was a little harsh on Rory. I felt the need to clarify the situation.

“What Rory meant to say was, I could stay with him if I couldn’t stay with you.”

Nathan turned to glare at me. “Why wouldn’t you be able to stay with me?”

“I dunno. I was just being hypothetical.”

“Well, don’t. No offence, Rory, but you can only have so much fun with a best friend. Robbie needs love.”

Tom may have disagreed with that statement, but I liked this previously hidden side of Nathan’s personality. I just wondered why I hadn’t seen it before and why he suddenly viewed Rory as a threat.

My boyfriend had been acting strange recently. He had ditched Ginny and his regular cronies for the second straight school day in a row and was noticeably more clingy than usual.

As if to prove my point, he moved his chair closer to mine to further encroach into my personal space and make it difficult for me to use my fork without knocking elbows. David looked across the table at me with raised eyebrows. There was enough room now to fit another two placings between him and Nathan, who was only one move away from sitting on my lap.

I thanked Rory for his offer and asked if he wanted to get together to watch the FA Cup Final in a couple of weeks. I knew Nathan wouldn’t be interested in spending a Saturday morning watching sport, and he yawned to let everyone know how he felt.

“Is that okay with you, Nathan?”

My spontaneous boyfriend could be very predictable at times. “Whatever turns you on, sweetie. I know how much you enjoy a game of footie.” He chuckled to himself as he rearranged the fries on his plate. He was still picking at his lunch when the others left.

“I’ve lost my appetite.”

“You need to eat, Nathan. You’re too skinny.” I stole a couple of fries from his plate to help before asking if I could go to his house later. “I think Sue’s trying to keep me away from Don.”

“Then you must do what she says and move in with me. I can put some of my clothes in the basement, and you can share my wardrobe. I missed not sleeping with you last night.”

“Hold on, lover boy. Let’s not get carried away. I only meant for a few hours. Sue will want me at home on a school night.”

“Not if it means you getting murdered; she won’t.”

I laughed at his exaggeration. “I’m pretty sure he’s not gonna kill me.”

“You won’t know until it’s too late, Robbie. I’m surprised you can sleep in that house.”

“The only time I have trouble sleeping is when I stay at your house.”

Nathan tried to look offended, but his frown soon gave way to a wicked smile. “And who’s fault is that, cowboy?”

I cringed as the buzzer signalled the end of our lunch hour. We had five minutes to get to our respective classes, and the handful of remaining students got up to leave.

“Well, I suppose a few hours is better than nothing,” he said. “My mom won’t be home until three-thirty today, so if we hurry, we can still have some time alone.”

“You can’t get enough of me lately, can you?”

“No, and it’s all your fault for being so gorgeous.”

His compliment gave me a warm feeling and a desire to be with him again, but the immediate reality was a French language lesson that I hated.

“We should go.” I stood up and rested my hand on his shoulder. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, I’m just not myself lately.” He flashed me a smile and pushed back his chair.

“Are you sick?”

“No, well, maybe, but in a good way. I’ll tell you if you want?”

“Go on then.”

“Promise me you won’t laugh.”

“I promise.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Hurry, or we’re gonna be late.”

“Okay, I think I’m in love.”

I laughed. I couldn’t stop myself. “I’m sorry.”

“You promised not to laugh.” He folded his arms and turned his back on me. “I’m serious.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Cross my heart; I’m in love.”

“With who?”

He hit me, catching me below the belt with a right hook that would have made Alex proud. “With you, stupid! Who do you think?”

I cupped my genitals. “Ouch! That hurt.”

“Good. It was supposed to hurt.” He sulked and walked away, but he only managed a couple of steps before coming back to apologise. “I’m sorry; are you okay?”

“I think so. I’m glad you love me. I wouldn’t want to be your enemy.”

“I’ll show you how much I love you after school.”

Nathan was true to his word, dragging me up to his room the moment we got home and pushing me onto his bed with a forcefulness I hadn’t seen in him before. I submitted immediately, allowing him unrestricted access as he climbed on top and made short work of my belt and zipper before dragging my pants to my knees. I felt the cool air on my dick, followed by his nimble fingers and skilful hands, and then finally, the warm wet confines of his mouth. He went about his task with the verve and tenacity of a boy whose love could not be contained and drank the rewards as if his life depended on it.

After tucking my shrivelled penis neatly away and zipping me up, he kissed my lips and left me to rest, recover, and work out what the fuck just happened.

*     *     *

Don didn’t come home the next day, so perhaps he stayed with Amy’s friend’s mom. I wasn’t sure what to make of my little sister’s story, but Nicola had mentioned that her dad had an affair in the past, so I was inclined to believe it was true. It would help explain his highly irregular working hours, which would sometimes keep him out of the house for two or three days at a time. Whenever I questioned this in the past, Sue always defended her husband with unwavering loyalty and the same excuse. If he was working late, it made sense for him to sleep at his office rather than make the long journey home only to go back again in the morning. Toronto was a long way from Cobourg, so it was a reasonable argument, but it also allowed Don to come and go pretty much as he pleased without ever having to explain his whereabouts. He was working; that was all anyone needed to know, and he paid all the bills, so it was best not to rock the boat.

It often bothered me, but Sue must have realised that such a lifestyle was open to temptation and required the kind of unselfish devotion not associated with her unscrupulous husband. It was too blatant to be missed by the person who knew him better than anyone, and I got the impression that, like the rest of us, she didn’t care. It was the only logical conclusion to draw.

It seemed likely Sue had been papering over the cracks for years while turning a blind eye to his indiscretions for the sake of her family. She deserved a husband who loved her or at least a boyfriend, and for a while, I believed she had something going with Mr Andrews. So far, there was nothing to suggest this was true, so once again put my faith in the Lord. I had another favour to ask.

‘Please, God, find another husband for Sue.’

I was probably jumping the gun. She hadn’t even started divorce procedures for the first one, but recent events in my own life with Nathan had opened my eyes to the joys of love, and I wanted everyone to feel the same way.

The moment I got home on Wednesday, I called Matthew. I needed to know if he still wanted to go to the baseball game the next day. I got the impression he thought I was going to cancel because of Sue’s confrontation with the pastor, and he sounded excited to hear from me. I knew Sue wouldn’t object to me going, but she had reservations when I mentioned over dinner that I was taking Matthew.

“I know you feel sorry for him, dear, but in future; it might be better if you had nothing more to do with the pastor or that church.”

Nicola looked puzzled. “Why are you going with that creep? I thought you didn’t like him.”

“Not anymore,” said Daniel. “They’re best buddies now.”

I glared across the table at my brother. “We’re not best buddies, and he’s not a creep.”

“But he is the pastor’s son,” said Nicola. “Does he know you’re gay?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Then why does he wanna hang out with you? Is he trying to convert you?”

“Probably. Look, I know it sounds weird, but Matthew’s not a bad kid once you get to know him, and he never gets to go out. He has no friends outside of his religion.” I knew my comments would be misinterpreted, and my siblings stared at each other before Nicola turned on me.

“Does the pastor know he’s going out with you?”

“We’re not going on a date, Nicola. Why do you even have to think that way? I’m allowed to have friends, aren’t I?”

“Geez, bite my head off, why don’t you? You’re paranoid.”

Sue wasn’t impressed with our behaviour at the dinner table, and as she struggled to keep control, Daniel must have sensed her weakness.

“I bet the pastor thinks you’re trying to bang Matthew.” He looked at me and giggled as he sucked a baby carrot into his mouth, only to be told off by Sue. “It was just a joke. You have to admit it’s kinda strange. They hate gay people.”

Sue attempted to moderate. “I don’t think they hate gay people, dear. It’s how they interpret the bible.”

Daniel stabbed a carrot with his fork and shook his head. “You don’t need to stick up for them. We know what their views are on same-sex relationships. Dad spent years trying to shove it down our throats.”

“Don’t exaggerate, dear.”

“I’m not exaggerating. But that was before Robbie got here, so it didn’t bother you so much then!”

I was surprised by my brother’s comments, which must have hurt Sue more than she let on. She didn’t need him to remind her of something she clearly felt ashamed of and was prepared to stake everything she had trying to put it right.

I glared at him from across the table, eagerly anticipating his first-ever grounding, only to be disappointed again by Sue’s leniency. Daniel wasn’t a bad kid, but I knew he wouldn’t have talked to Sue like that if Don had been there.

I felt the need to explain. “I asked the pastor if Matthew could go with me, and he agreed if I promised to go to church again next Sunday.”

Sue let out a deep breath and shook her head. “That should tell you everything you need to know, Robbie. They’re using Matthew to get you into the church, where they can try to convert you. This is one of the problems I have with that church, and it’s one of the reasons I’m getting divorced. If we’re going to stand up to these people, we have to do it together.”

I felt terrible. Sue was prepared to divorce her husband to protect me from the pastor, and I was betraying her loyalty by being friends with his son. But it wasn’t that simple. There were things about Matthew she didn’t know that I promised to keep a secret.

“I know what they’re trying to do, but I don’t think Matthew knows they’re using him. He trusts me, and I feel sorry for him. He needs my help.”

“I feel sorry for him, too,” said Daniel. “But no way I’d agree to do that.”

I helped Sue carry the dishes into the kitchen, where she gave her verdict. “You realise if you take Matthew tomorrow, you’ll have to go to church again on Sunday, and this time, I won’t be there. You’ll have to go with Don.”

I was planning to simply not show up, but Sue insisted I keep my promise. She thought it would reflect badly on her and didn’t want to give Don any ammunition. I understood, but I still wasn’t prepared to let Matthew down.

Daniel and Nicola must have thought I had lost my marbles, and I had to admit they had a point. Nothing to do with that religion made much sense. It was one big mess, and it felt like I was stuck in the middle, being pulled in different directions.

*     *     *

I almost didn’t recognise Matthew when I met him outside the school on Thursday afternoon. He looked just like a regular school kid in sneakers, jeans, hoodie, and a baseball cap, but he ruined his image when he tried to shake my hand.

“We don’t do that kinda thing here, Matthew. Not unless you wanna be labelled a loser. Fist bumps, high fives, or a slug on the arm are acceptable, but handshakes are strictly taboo. Got it?”

He nodded, but I probably should have warned him about Rory, who was waiting for us at the baseball diamond. They knew each other from the sailing lesson, and as far as Rory was concerned, that was good enough for a hug. Matthew wasn’t used to physical contact, but I got the feeling he rather enjoyed his fleeting embrace with my cute friend.

He blushed and tripped as he followed Rory to the top of the bleachers to sit between us.

“Is your friend coming?”

“You mean, Nathan. No, this isn’t his thing. He’s more into the arts.”

Matthew smiled. I don’t think he was looking forward to meeting my boyfriend, and for once, I was glad Nathan decided not to go.

The long-awaited arrival of summer-like conditions and the starting pitcher's impressive form helped attract a record crowd for the first game of the season. There was a feeling that this could be their year, and it was Alex who was creating all the buzz. It seemed like he had finally managed to channel all that aggression into something worthwhile, and that afternoon he became a high school star. With the crowd behind him, he pitched for seven innings and held the visitors to a single run before walking off to a standing ovation.

Even Matthew was on his feet clapping and cheering, and he looked genuinely happy as he chatted with us after the game. It was a remarkable transformation from the ultra-shy boy who used to visit our house.

“I definitely want to go again,” he said, and it sounded like he was asking for an invite, but I wasn’t prepared to make arrangements if it meant attending church every week. I needed to clarify this to him, but we didn’t get much time to talk, and the pastor was already on his case. He called Matthew as we stood in the line up for the food truck, wiping the smile from the boy’s face as he realised his evening out was coming to an end.

His dad wanted to pick him up at eight, which was just enough time to eat a hotdog and meet the star of the show.

Alex wasn’t embarrassed by me anymore, but he still wasn’t comfortable talking to me in front of his friends. I represented a side of his character he was desperate to conceal, so when I saw him walking from the school building with a couple of girls, I didn’t expect him to pay much attention to me. Turning your back on Alex, however, was always a mistake.

“Hey, Taylor. You trying to ignore me or something?” Alex left the girls to walk over to where we were standing. “What’s this a queer’s convention?” He put his arm around my neck and messed up my hair. “Only kidding.”

After extricating myself from his grip, I introduced him to Matthew, who wisely kept a safe distance while praising his pitching skills.

“I was okay, but I can do much better. We played a pretty poor team tonight.”

It was probably a fair assessment. Alex was always critical of his performance, even when everyone else was singing his praises and talking about him as a possible future star.

“Looks like you got your own fan club,” said Rory, and he pointed to a young girl standing next to Alex. She had a baseball banner with the school logo that she wanted Alex to sign, and he duly obliged and patted her on the head before she skipped back to her father.

“That’s the first time anyone’s asked me to sign anything other than a police statement.”

I thought it was cool. An autograph cost nothing, and it made her day, but other fans wanted more, like the two girls he ditched. Alex looked over his shoulder and rolled his eyes when he saw them approaching, and I suspected the only reason he came to talk to us in the first place was to try to give them the slip.

“Sorry girls, I gotta go see my sick uncle. I’ll see you in school tomorrow, though.” He waved and walked away, dragging me with him.

“Where are we going?”

“Back to the baseball diamond for a little post-game celebration. Are you coming?”

His friends had smuggled in a case of beer and were hanging around the home dugout waiting for their buddy. They were losers who spent most of their time drinking, fighting, and doing drugs—temptations that Alex also found difficult to resist.

It was only a matter of time before he changed back into the boy I knew, but I wasn’t keen on hanging out with his numbskull buddies and was certain I wouldn’t be welcome.

“Maybe next time, Alex. We gotta go; Matthew’s dad’s coming to collect him.”

“In five minutes,” said Matthew. He looked anxious and eager to leave, but Alex ignored him.

“You’re not going through, are ya? Come on, man. It’s not much, just a couple of beers and a smoke.” He looked behind me at Rory. “Blondie can stay too if he wants. It’ll only be for an hour until the security throws us out. I’m sure your friend can find his way back to the parking lot.”

Matthew tugged on my sleeve and looked at his watch. I didn’t want the pastor to think I had abandoned his son, but Alex wouldn’t let me leave until I promised to come back—a promise I was ready to break until Rory interfered and ruined my plan.

“I’ll go with Matthew; you can stay if you want.”

“Done deal, man.” Alex slapped Rory hard on the back before waving at Matthew. “Nice meeting ya, whatever your name is.”

I told Matthew I’d see him on Sunday and thanked Rory, but my expression told him I wasn’t happy with his intervention and the prospect of spending time with Alex’s nefarious friends.

They had been watching us from the dugout and didn’t look particularly pleased to see me tagging along with their buddy.

“This is my friend, Robbie,” announced Alex as he put his arm around me and reeled off their names. “Mario, Brenda, Moose, Barb, Lance, Earl, Linda, and Salty.” There were three girls and seven boys, including Alex, but I forgot their names almost immediately.

Only a couple of them bothered to acknowledge me, but an introduction wasn’t necessary. They all knew who I was—even though most of them had already dropped out of school—and they made it clear they didn’t care for my company.

The guy they called Moose complained when Alex threw me a beer. He was a burly guy with a feint moustache and huge biceps. Like Alex, he was a sportsman, and I had seen him plenty of times hanging around the gym in school.

“Is he old enough?”

“No,” said Alex. “Are you?”

It was a safe bet that no one there was over the legal drinking age, especially the girls. They didn’t look much older than me, and Barb was in the same grade. I recognised the skinny redhead from my geography class, and she was the only one who smiled.

The rest ignored me and returned to their conversations, so I stood in the corner, trying to act cool before opening the can and spraying myself with beer. It was Alex’s fault for throwing it, but at least it made them laugh. Barb offered me a tissue and some friendly advice.

“Be careful of Lance, he has an attitude problem, but the rest are okay. They’ll make fun of you, but that’s about it. Just laugh it off; they know you’re a friend of Alex.”

“Thanks for the warning, but I won’t be staying long.”

She looked dubious, like she had heard it before. “We’ll see. Oh, and for what it’s worth, Linda is Salty’s girlfriend, and he’s the jealous type, so she’s out of bounds.”

I chuckled. “He doesn’t have to worry about me; I’m not interested in his girlfriend.”

“I know. You’re into guys, right?”

We were interrupted by Mario. “Hey, what’s your name again?”

“Robbie.”

“What are you doing talking to my girl, Robbie? You trying to pick her up?”

Barb gave him the finger. “Fuck off, Mario. I’m not your girl.” She told me to ignore him, but I was suddenly the centre of attention.

Salty was very loud and obnoxious, with harsh Eastern European features. He waited until Alex went to take a leak before lighting a joint and calling me over to make fun of me.

“How’s your head?” He passed the joint to his buddy Lance and blew the smoke in my face. “This is the kid who almost died after falling down the stairs at school.”

“Someone pushed him,” said Lance.

“Yeah, I heard it was a lover’s quarrel. His boyfriend caught him sucking another guy’s dick.”

“Is that true?” asked Lance.

“No.”

“I think it is. I heard you’ll suck anyone’s dick.”

“Why don’t you ask him and find out,” said Salty. Then he turned to me. “Lance wants to know if you’ll suck his dick.”

“Fuck off, Salty. I don’t want no queer boy blowing me.”

Alex hadn’t come back, so I decided to leave while I had the chance. I was wasting my time with these morons, so I finished my beer and said goodbye to Barb, but Salty had other ideas.

“What’s up? Our company not good enough for ya?”

“I gotta be somewhere.”

Salty shook his head and reached behind him for another beer. “Not tonight. You’re staying here and getting drunk with us.”

Lance wasn’t happy with Salty giving away their beer. “Fuck him, man. It’s a waste; he’ll only puke it up. Let him go and suck his boyfriend’s dick.” He sneered at me. “I fucking hate queer boys like him.”

Salty pushed his friend away. “What the fuck’s wrong with you? Give the kid a break. He ain’t hurting you.” He grinned and handed me a beer. “Take no notice of this jerk.”

“Fuck you,” said Lance.

I stepped back as Salty got to his feet to challenge his buddy. There was a brief standoff as the two boys stood chin to chin with balled fists before Moose pulled Lance away, and everyone returned to their conversations. I got the impression this was a regular occurrence in this male-dominated club. There was definitely some kind of pecking order, and Salty was near the top.

He watched me open the beer at arm's length and take another big gulp.

“You like drinking beer, kid. Do you smoke drugs?”

“Sometimes.”

“If you wanna hang with us, you have to smoke weed.”

The joint had done the rounds and was with Barb, who coughed before passing it to me.

It smelled pungent, and I hesitated. I knew I had to go home, and I didn’t want to be stoned, but backing out now with everyone watching wasn’t an option. No matter how much I disliked these people, I still wanted to be accepted and felt pressured to conform.

I figured I could handle it, so I inhaled as much of the toxic smoke as I could fit into my lungs and watched it pour from every orifice before repeating the process to random cheers of encouragement. It felt like I had passed some kind of test, and I celebrated with another mouthful of beer. They still laughed at me, but it didn’t bother me as much.

“What are you doing to my buddy?” asked Alex. He slapped me on the back as he arrived with more beer. “Man, you look stoned already. I can’t leave you alone for five minutes.”

He gave me another can, and I followed him to the empty bleachers, where he sat down and rolled a joint. We discussed the game, his aspirations, and his new foster parents. It sounded like he was doing okay, but his friends were a threat, and I think he knew it.

“They just wanna party all the time, but I can’t. The coach would go crazy if he knew I was doing this shit.” He passed me the joint, and I felt obliged to help his beleaguered coach by holding on to it for as long as possible. All it did was force him to roll another and hasten my departure from reality. “How are you feeling there, buddy.”

I was lying on the grass, looking up at the stars and wondering why the floodlights were still on. “I’m feeling good. Better than good.”

Alex grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. “You passed out there for a while. I was gonna leave you, but I felt sorry for ya.”

I frowned and looked at my watch. “I need to go home.”

“Good luck with that. Your parents will go apeshit if they see you in this state.”

“I’ll sneak in.” I figured Nicola would let me in if I tapped on the back window, but I’d have to wait until Sue was in bed. “Why haven’t they thrown us out? Where’s the security?”

Alex grinned at me. “Getting stoned, I imagine. Everyone has a price.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a big bag of cannabis.

“You bribed them with drugs?”

“Hey, careful what you say. I hope you’re not accusing me of selling dope.”

He was joking, but I was serious. “You are, though, aren’t you? You’re selling weed.”

“And you’re smoking it. What’s the difference?”

“Why? You don’t need to do this, Alex. You’re better than that!”

He lashed out, grazing my arm with his fist. “Don’t fucking lecture me. You know shit!”

He walked towards the running track, so I followed at a safe distance. “If you get caught, it’ll be the end of your baseball career. All that hard work will be for nothing.”

“Stop following me. I don’t need your advice.”

“Your friends are losers; they’ll just drag you down.”

He stopped and turned. “You’re a hypocrite. You don’t mind drinking beer or smoking dope, but anyone else who does it is a loser. You should take a closer look at your own friends before shouting your mouth off.”

“What does that mean?”

“Where do you think your boyfriend gets his dope?”

I had to think about what he said. “You mean Nathan?”

“How many boyfriends do you have?”

“He doesn’t take drugs anymore.”

Alex scoffed. “Is that what he told you? I suppose Ginny doesn’t, either. Sorry to break it to ya.”

I stood in silence as Alex walked away, mumbling to himself. Maybe I was a fool to believe Nathan when he told me he had stopped using drugs. I wasn’t sure what to think anymore, so against my better judgement, I chased after Alex.

“That’s why you were at Ginny’s New Year’s Eve party? To sell drugs?”

“You mean you only just figured it out? You’re dumber than I thought.”

“At least I don’t sell drugs.”

“You don’t have to. You’re fucking rich.”

“It doesn’t matter. You’re not selling them to survive.”

“Fuck off, Taylor. I don’t wanna hurt you.”

He stopped at the running track with his back to me and repeated his warning, but I edged closer.

“You won’t hit me.”

“Don’t bet on it.”

“I’m not frightened of you.” It was a lie, and I froze when he suddenly spun around.

“I fucking hate you; you know that. I don’t get it. Why do you even care what happens to me after what I did? I’ve been shitty to you. I drugged you because I wanted to try it with a guy. Then I abused your hospitality, and I know I hurt you. I should be in jail for what I did, but you’re still trying to fucking save me. Why?”

I was lost for words as he sat on the edge of the running track with his head in his hands. “I don’t know why.”

“You see, it doesn’t make sense. Unless you like me, and I mean really like me, that’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“Don’t go there, Alex. You told me you were over that.”

“I am, but I still think about you a lot, and I still like you in that way. That won’t ever go away.”

“It doesn’t sound like you’re over it to me.”

“Well, you’re wrong. I said I still like you. It doesn’t mean I wanna do anything with you. But when you’re all nice to me like tonight, it’s confusing, and I start to wonder.”

I let out a deep breath and tried to concentrate as my head got lighter and the weed kicked in. “That stuff is strong.”

“Fuck yeah.”

“So, what do you want me to do, be horrible to you? I could tell the coach you’re a drug dealer if it helps.”

“You’re a fucking dick.”

While my friend composed himself, I walked around in circles breathing in the cold night air and trying to make sense of a complex situation while higher than I had ever been before. It was a mistake to try to keep up with his friends. It was too strong for me, and I smoked way too much for someone who wasn’t used to it.

It had been creeping up on me for a while, and now I was totally shitfaced—unable to concentrate on anything for more than a few seconds before getting lost in a tangent and swept away in a dreamy haze. Zoning out, as Alex called it, into a semi-conscious state where it was impossible to separate reality from my imagination.

It was bizarre, random, illogical, and side-splittingly funny, which was just as well because there was no way of stopping it.

I stared at Alex for a while before I remembered why he was sitting on the running track, and I returned to reality with a jolt. I wondered how long I had been dreaming as I picked up the conversation and tried to sound like I wasn’t wrecked.

“Are you seeing Jo?”

“Jo, who?”

“Jo. She’s your counsellor, isn’t she?”

He wiped his face and looked up at me. “How do you know that?”

“I was seeing her too.”

“Really?”

“She won’t tell you, not even if you ask her.”

“Why did you have to see her?”

“The same reason as you, I guess, and Ginny. Fuck, who isn’t seeing her? What I’m trying to say is you’re not the only one with problems. There are a lot of people worse than you who can’t throw a baseball at ninety miles an hour.”

“Ninety-five.”

“Whatever. You’ve got an opportunity they haven’t, and there are plenty of good-looking guys out there, even in this shitty town. Better looking than me and much nicer. All you have to do is ….”

Alex stared at me, but I forgot what I was talking about, and my grip on reality was slipping away again.

“You’re fucking hammered, man.”

Somewhere in the melting pot of random thoughts, it crossed my mind that it probably wasn’t a good idea to be alone and incapacitated with a guy who had an unhealthy physical attraction to me. Especially if that person had already abused me and got away with it.

There were no limits to my stupidity, but by the time he got to his feet, my mind was somewhere else where it didn’t matter. We began trudging back to the dugouts, where his friends were partying and chasing each other around the infield. Then Alex suddenly forgot how to walk.

He was stationary and laughing to himself. “I can’t do it. I’m too fucking stoned.”

I laughed as he struggled to put one foot in front of the other and went sideways. I was glad I wasn’t the only one.

“Don’t laugh at me, man. I’m having real problems here.”

It was impossible not to laugh. “I can’t help it, Alex. You look pretty fucking stupid walking sideways like a crab.”

“You’ll regret that.”

I laughed even more. “No, I won’t. You can’t catch me.”

“Fuck you.” He tried to grab me, but he could only manage half a dozen steps before stopping and swaying. I thought he was going to fall as he reached out, looking for something to hold, but we were in the middle of a sports field, and he was grasping at air. It was a gift I was determined to exploit. So, I punched him on the arm.

“What did you do that for?”

“You said I was too nice to you. Well, how about this.” I hit him again and laughed. “Put that in your pipe and smoke it.”

I hit him again with an exaggerated windmill punch and then stepped aside when he lunged at me and fell to his knees. It was hilarious.

“You’ll be sorry tomorrow, Taylor. I won’t be stoned forever.”

I forgot about that and suddenly went quiet. “You’ll probably forget about this tomorrow, though, right?”

“Nope, I remember everything no matter how stoned I get.”

I thought he would. It was just my luck. The only thing I could do was kill him while I had the chance, but I didn’t know how, and he refused to help with his own murder.

Nothing made sense anymore, least of all Alex, who wasn’t making much progress.

“Can you try to walk a bit faster? It’s gonna take a million years to get back at this rate.”

“Will you shut the fuck up?”

“Alex, the superstar. He can hit the ball out of the park, but it takes him a year to run around the bases.”

“You’re only making it worse for yourself.”

“Alex the snail.”

It was dark, and I was alone. I must have zoned out again, and this time for much longer. I stumbled over the pitcher’s mound heading towards the lights from the parking lot and shadows of the bleachers, but it was pitch black all around me.

Then I was bathed in light and covered my eyes as someone approached. It was Barb using the flashlight on her phone. I didn’t think of that.

“They switched the lights off. Can you believe that?”

“Where is everyone?”

She pointed her phone towards the empty dugout. “I dunno. I thought they were with you.”

I figured she was as stoned as I was, but at least she could walk. I started laughing when I thought of Alex walking sideways and wondered if he was still on the sports field. I tried explaining it to Barb as we linked arms and searched for the others.

The dugout was littered with empty cans and cigarette butts, but it was deserted. “I guess they must have been thrown out.”

“That’s too bad,” she said. “I was having fun. Do you want some of my beer?”

“Where is it?”

“I dunno. I had it a minute ago.”

I was in tears as Barb searched her pockets, looking for a can of beer. “Check under your hat. That’s usually the first place I look.”

She took off her hat and looked inside, and I fell to my knees, unable to control my laughter. She was totally out of it, and I nearly pissed myself. I doubt she even knew what she was looking for, but it didn’t stop her. She even tried to search me and chased me around the bleachers when I refused to comply.

We were still laughing when we caught up with Alex, Salty, and Moose at the back of the school. They were drinking with the security guard, and Salty was surprised to see me.

“I thought you had passed out for sure. Your boyfriend’s around here somewhere looking for you.”

I was confused until I saw Rory walking towards me with a flashlight. “Where the hell have you been? I’ve been looking for you.”

“Didn’t you go home like six hours ago?”

“Two hours, but I came back.”

“Why?”

“I was worried about you after that look you gave me. I tried calling, but your phone was off.”

He wasn’t the only one. I must have forgotten to switch it back on after the game, and there were several messages and texts that I couldn’t read.

Rory’s house was only a stone’s throw from the school, but it was nice of him to worry about me, and I showed my appreciation with a hug that nearly knocked him off his feet.

“That’s really cool, Rory. I love you, man.”

Barb was excited. “I didn’t know you guys were ….”

“We’re not!” added Rory, but no one believed him.

I zoned out again and jumped when Alex tipped the last of his beer over my head and laughed.

“Fuck you!”

“Wake up, man.”

“I am awake.”

“That’s what you get for laughing at me earlier.”

I was happy with that trade and licked the beer from my lips. I expected much worse, so maybe he forgot about me hitting him.

“We’re here,” said Rory, and I snapped out of my dream again. I didn’t know we were going to his house, but I guess it was my only option, and I was glad he showed up.

“This is where you live, Rory.”

“No shit. Now keep quiet. My parents are asleep.”

He opened his front door, and we crept into his room, but I couldn’t remember walking from school.

“What happened to Alex?”

“He went home, don’t you remember?”

“No.”

Rory giggled. “You were trying to wrestle him on the sidewalk.”

I vaguely remembered attacking him and assumed I had come off worse. I was a mess, and my friend’s brightly lit room showed the true extent of the damage from one evening. My jacket was ripped and covered in grass stains, and my jeans were in the same condition. My hair was still wet with beer, and when I looked in the mirror, someone had drawn a penis on my forehead in felt tip.

“How did that get there?”

‘Sue’s gonna kill me if she finds out about this.’

Rory must have read my mind.

“I called your mom earlier and told her you were at my house and weren’t feeling well, but I don’t think she believed me.”

“What would I do without you, Rory?” I tried to kiss him, but he moved his head away.

“No kissing. That’s too gay.” He looked me up and down and shook his head. “It’s too late to drag in the mattress. You can share my bed if you want, but you’ll have to shower first.”

Rory’s bed looked appealing, and so did he. Together they made an irresistible combination. He stood before me, lifting my t-shirt, just like he did in my fantasies. Only this time, he didn’t fall to his knees to suck my dick, so maybe this was real.

I thought a shower might help bring me out of my dream-like state, and Rory had a neat en-suite bathroom, which suddenly had two doors. I chose the wrong one and walked into the wall. My friend had to cover his mouth to muffle his giggles, but more escaped as I felt my way around the doorway and stumbled into the bathroom. It was a while before I remembered why I was there and started to undress, but I still had my socks on when I got into the shower and zoned out again.

“What are you doing?” Rory made me jump when he peered around the door and stared at me.

“What does it look like?”

My friend had tears rolling down his cheeks and was having difficulty standing up.

“This is too funny, man. You’re killing me. You should try turning the water on.”

I raised my hand towards the shower head and giggled as he left me alone to figure it out.

‘I’m a plonker.’

Rory must have heard me yell and run back in as I fumbled with the controls. The water was freezing, then scolding hot. He had to lean in and push my hands away to adjust it.

“You’re wet,” I said.

“You think?” He placed a bar of soap in my hand and stood back with his arms folded. “Now wash, and you might wanna take off your socks.”

They were filled with water, but I did as he said, then realised I was naked. “Are you gonna watch?”

“Yes,” he said, “I don’t trust you.”

Rory had seen me naked plenty of times in the school showers, but this was different. We were on our own, and he still had clothes on. I became self-conscious and worried about getting a hard-on. It wasn’t like this in my fantasies.

“Will you look away, please?”

He laughed. “Dude, I’ve seen you like a million times before.”

“Not like this, you haven’t.”

Rory stared at my rapidly rising dick and changed his tone.

“Okay, I’ll wait outside.”

“Or you could get in with me,” I mumbled, not intending him to hear, but he hadn’t left.

“There’s not enough room, dude.”

I was shocked. If that was the only thing stopping him, then maybe Rory did have a gay side.

My mind was still in hibernation and filled with random images and pieces of conversation that made no sense. Then I thought about Nathan. He lied to me about the drugs, and it hurt.

I probably would have stayed in Rory’s shower all night if he hadn’t turned off the water and handed me a towel. He used a flannel to scrub the penis from my forehead and threw me a pair of his boxer shorts from his drawer. “Sorry, but you’re not getting in my bed naked.”

I wondered what difference a thin layer of cotton would make, but Rory seemed happy enough as I slipped them on under the towel and dropped it to strike a pose.

“I knew I’d get into your underwear one day, Rory.”

“Very funny. I must be crazy letting you sleep with me.”

I had to admit it surprised me too. I doubt many straight boys would have been that generous, and once again, doubts about Rory’s sexuality played on my mind. Memories of Tom flashed through my head as I threw back the covers and climbed into another best friend’s bed.

“This is nice. It’s more comfortable than Nathan’s. His one sags in the middle.”

“I don’t need to know that.”

I laughed, but inside I was a nervous wreck. The shower must have worked because I felt much better and wide awake when I needed to sleep.

“What am I gonna do about school tomorrow?”

“You can borrow some of my clothes if you want or take the day off; it’s up to you. See how you feel in the morning. Maybe I can talk my parents into letting me take the day off too. Then we can stay in bed and play games all day.”

I was pretty sure Rory was referring to his Xbox, or maybe he was getting me back for all the times I embarrassed him with sexual innuendos. But it was the third possibility that brought sweat to my brow and nearly had me running for the door.

It seemed crazy, considering how much time I had spent fantasising over this luscious boy, that I should suddenly be so scared of him, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist if he decided to call my bluff.

‘It’s my fault. I asked God to turn Rory gay.’

Everything else I asked for had come true.

As I watched him strip to his underwear, my manhood began to rise again in the confines of his boxer shorts. The cool material felt nice against my skin—knowing they were his made it feel even better.

“I’m gonna take a shower,” he said, snapping me out of my dream. “I’m usually up about seven. We can talk in the morning. Just remember, no touching in the night.”

“No touching what?”

“No touching me, or yourself. Just don’t touch anything.”

I thought it was a strange thing to say, but it put my mind at rest.

‘How can I not touch myself?’

I giggled and hugged the pillow. His scent was everywhere. I just had to remember where I was because if I woke up in the night thinking I was with Nathan, Rory might not want to talk to me ever again. If Nathan found out, he might never want to talk to me again. There was a good chance that neither boy would want to talk to me ever again, but at least I could say I slept with Rory, and I never expected to be able to scrub that off my list.