The Cockney Canuck - 88. Chapter 88 Throwing Your Life Away

“So what do you think they were laughing about last night?” I asked Nathan.

“Beats me, but they seemed to get on okay. That’s good news isn’t it?”

I wasn’t so sure. Don and Morgan—fuelled by wine and twelve-year-old scotch whiskey—had been talking and laughing well into the night. Frustratingly though, their lively banter was loud enough to keep me awake, but not quite loud enough for me to hear what they were saying.

It had me baffled; I wanted to know what common ground they managed to find.

Nathan had just got out of bed but I was already dressed and watching his backside, as he bent down to retrieve the pair of briefs that I had tossed in his direction.

“You can pick your own t-shirt,” I said pointing to my drawer. “Oh and apparently, they’re going to your house for dinner in two weeks’ time. Do you think that they’re gonna go on holiday together too, or start double dating?”

“I think that you're looking too much into this, they just got drunk last night, doesn’t alcohol make you laugh?” His comment was laced with sarcasm as he strolled past me to sort through my drawer. He wasn’t going to let me forget that I missed his birthday party after being grounded for drinking.

“Well yeah, a bit…have you never been drunk before?”

“No…I’m only fifteen, dude. I’ve had the occasional beer and glass of wine, but I’ve never been drunk.”

“Maybe you should,” I said. “It’s fun, as long as you don’t get too shitfaced.”

“You think that we should get drunk?”

“Why not, I don’t mean all the time like Alex’s old man but once wouldn’t hurt…what’s wrong?”

Nathan had stopped rummaging through my drawer and turned to face me. “You said Alex’s old man, you mean Alex Baker’s dad?”

“Err…yeah. His dad’s an alcoholic…I guess you didn’t know that.”

“No, I didn’t. But it doesn’t surprise me. Have you met him then?”

“Once or twice. Does it matter?” Nathan looked a little suspicious and for a while he had me rattled, but he already knew that I was friends with Alex.

“I guess not,” he said holding up my frog t-shirt. “I’ll wear this one if you don’t mind?”

“Help yourself.”

“I like this top,” he said dragging it over his head. “It smells of you.” He leaned forward to kiss me before strutting across the room, catwalk style, with his oversized pyjama bottoms barely covering his ass.

‘He’s such a tease’.

“So you wanna get me tipsy so that you can have your wicked way with me, is that it?” he said and I had to laugh. Less than twelve hours earlier, he had been pushing his dick down my throat, without so much as a sniff of booze.

“I don’t think I really need to get you drunk for that Nathan,” but I still leered at him as he allowed the pyjama bottoms to fall to the floor before stepping into the briefs. He raised his eyebrows at me and gave his buttocks a sexy slap before reaching down the front to tuck away his boy bits.

“Does my body fascinate you that much?”

“Oh yeah,” I said. “Much more than that actually. If I could climb into your skin, I would do.”

“That’s creepy!”

“What’s creepy?” said Daniel as he limped into the bedroom looking like a zombie.

“Robbie was just saying that he wants to get inside me.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” mumbled Daniel as he walked past his half-dressed friend and climbed into the now vacant bed. “Why don’t you take him into the shower so I can get some more sleep?”

“Geez, see how quick he is to jump into my bed,” said Nathan.

“It’s my bed,” said Daniel, “but thanks for keeping it warm for me.”

“Be careful not to lie in the wet patch, honey.”

“Hmm, I don’t mind if it’s yours,” said Daniel as he buried his head in the pillow.

“I’m pretty sure he swings both ways, you know,” whispered Nathan and I laughed.

It brought a predictable but mumbled response. “Fuck you!”

Followed by the even more predictable. “Exactly!”

It was always fun to listen to their well-worn chaffing. A routine perfected over many years of friendship, and Daniel always seemed to enjoy his friend’s blatant sexual overtones, but it was only a joke.

Daniel didn’t have a gay bone in his body, but it didn’t frighten him either. This was the kid who I had liked so much in the beginning, before the Nathan hiatus. It seemed like he was now over the shock, and had settled back into the loveable Daniel of old. It hadn’t taken him long, and I was pleased to have him back.

“I’m never gonna sleep with my sister again,” he moaned.

“That sounded really weird,” I said.

“I’m serious; she kept me awake, talking in her sleep. She wouldn’t shut up. She thought I was Jimmy.”

“Oh my God, that could have ended so badly,” said Nathan and I agreed, but we still laughed. “Poor Daniel. The one time he gets to wake up with a girl in his bed, and it turns out to be his sister.”

* * * * *

It got me thinking, and later that day when Nathan and his family had gone home, I decided to talk to Nicola about it. I found her sitting at the table in the garden reading a book, so I pulled up a chair to annoy her.

“Daniel needs to find a girlfriend; don’t you think?”

“Ha, don’t be ridiculous. He’s too immature.”

“No, he’s not, it would do him good.”

“It would do me good if you left me alone to read my book.”

Old habits die hard and I wanted her attention, so I started drumming the table with my fingers, knowing that it would irritate her.

“Will you go away?” she said. “Like now!”

“The thing is, I feel guilty for taking his friend away. When Nathan’s here, I think Daniel feels a little left out.”

Nicola put her book down and stared at me. “So you want him to find a girlfriend so that you don’t feel so guilty, is that it?”

“Hmm…probably.”

She seemed surprised. “Well at least you're honest about it, but it’s not likely to happen because Daniel doesn’t mix with girls. He doesn’t like them. Now leave me alone.”

She must have known that I wasn’t about to do any such thing, and the more frustrated she was becoming, the more determined I was to stay and annoy her.

“Don’t you know anyone?” I said, and she looked over her sunglasses at me.

“What?”

“I mean; you must know lots of girls who are looking for a boyfriend?”

“You want me to play matchmaker for my brother?”

“Well not exactly, I just thought that, well…yes, I suppose so.”

“NO!”

I sat back in the chair looking defeated. “It was only a suggestion; I was just….”

“I’m trying to read my book,” she interrupted through gritted teeth. “Now go away and play somewhere else!”

“I was just saying.”

“Leave…me…alone!” This was more like the Nicola of old and she looked as if she was about to explode. I missed those days, but I was playing with fire.

“I’m only trying to talk to you.”

“Stop annoying her Robbie,” said Sue, but Nicola always had to have the final word, and as I walked away, she shouted after me.

“I’ll have a word with Naomi, she’s looking for another boyfriend.”

‘Another victim more like’.

I shuddered at the thought of an innocent Daniel in the clutches of Nicola’s sex-crazed friend. It was overkill if ever I had heard it. Using Naomi for such a task would have been like calling in the fire department to douse a match.

I was convinced that I was right though. It was about time that Daniel experienced a few adult pleasures and I felt obligated to help out. It was the least that I could do after taking away his best friend.

* * * * *

Tuesday afternoon, was humid and overcast. It was the first week of August and we were now into the second month of the summer break. In a little over three weeks, I would be starting school again. Grade eleven; my first full year in a Canadian high school.

The previous day, I had been given a sneak preview of what life could be like, when a car full of guys yelled abuse at Nathan and me, as we walked down the road close to my house. It was nothing too bad and it didn’t seem to bother my boyfriend, but it bugged me because we weren’t even holding hands. Word was obviously circulating quickly. By the time school restarted, I was sure that everyone would be up to date.

I was in my room on the computer, when Don came downstairs and asked if he could talk to me in his study. He must have seen the look on my face as my mind went back to the last time I was summoned to his office, but he was quick to reassure me with the promise of some good news.

He seemed upbeat as he passed a letter across his desk for me to read. It was from the Ontario Family Court and although it was addressed to him, it was about me. The had fixed a date for the adoption.

“September third?”

“Is that a problem, it’s the Friday before the Labour day weekend.”

“It’s the day before my birthday,” I said.

“Well then it’ll be a double celebration for you,” he said. “But first you’ll have to go for an interview at the court, it’s just a formality. That will be this Thursday afternoon. I can take you there.”

I wasn’t sure what to say or if I still wanted to go through with it and my face soon gave me away.

“It’s for the best Robbie, you know that don’t you?”

“I suppose,” I said.

“It will help you to feel more at home here and part of the family. I think that’s a big part of what’s gone wrong.”

I wasn’t sure if anything had gone wrong, at least not on my part.

“It’s what your mother wanted, you’ll be fulfilling her wish and doing yourself a huge favour at the same time.”

I started to feel uncomfortable, like I was being boxed into a corner.

“I don’t get it, why is it so important for you?”

“We’ve been through all of this,” he said. “I’ve explained the benefits to you, and you told me that you wanted to go ahead.”

‘That was before you started hating me’.

“But you're ashamed of me.”

He let out a deep breath, and I steadied myself. “I have never been ashamed of you Robbie.”

“You are, I’ve embarrassed you, you told me that.”

“I don’t agree with your choice of lifestyle, but I’m not embarrassed by it. I can’t force you to live a certain way, because in the end, you’ll do what you want to do, and I won't be able to stop you. You’ve proved that. But I can advise you, that’s my job, whether you’re adopted or not.”

“I’m not sure that I want your advice.”

I was expecting him to go on the offensive, he didn’t usually need to be pushed this far before retaliating, but he remained calm.

“I know that things haven’t been right between us for a while now.”

I huffed and he stopped to stare at me.

“Just hear me out,” he said. “Will you? Without interrupting.” He leaned back in his chair and waited for me to look at him, before continuing slowly and quietly. “You think that I hate you, don’t you?”

He had told me not to interrupt him and then immediately asked me a question, but he wasn’t looking for an answer.

“Why would I hate you? You're my sister’s kid. I look at you as one of my own.” He said. “I want you to be a part of this family. It’s what your mother wanted, what Sue wants, it’s what Daniel, Nicola and Amy all want. This is an opportunity to make it legal, it won’t take away any of your rights or affect your freedom of choice in any way.”

He paused for a while to look at the letter again before continuing. “It’s up to you,” he said. “I’ve done all I can. I’ll be here on Thursday to drive you to the court, where you’ll be taken into a room and an official will ask you if you have any objections to the adoption. What you say to them is....”

“I’ll do it,” I said. “I haven’t changed my mind.”

Don was visibly relieved, although I still didn’t understand why.

“It’s the right choice,” he said. “I promised Elizabeth that I would look after you as if you were my own son, and that’s what I intend to do. I’m pleased that you're gonna go ahead with the adoption, perhaps now you can start to re-evaluate your choice of lifestyle?”

I sighed and shook my head. “I knew it would come back to this.”

“I wanna help you Robbie. Hear me out for a minute.”

I sat back in my chair as Don set about his sales pitch.

“Do you remember a few months ago when I was driving you to Fran’s house and I stopped to get you a bunch of flowers to give to her?”

I nodded. “Of course.”

“Was your gay side bothering you then?”

“I don’t see what this has to do with it.”

“Robbie, please. You're gonna be sixteen in a couple of weeks, let’s talk like adults. Answer my question, was you concerned about being gay that night?”

“No.”

“I didn’t think so. You were too excited and nervous to think of anything other than that girl. I kinda guessed at the time what the big deal was. What with her parents being away and you two with the place to yourselves? You know, I never asked you this because I didn’t want to embarrass you at the time, but just out of interest. Did the flowers work, what I’m trying to say is…?”

“Yes,” I cut him off with a hint of a smile on my lips.

He was grinning. “Hmm…I told you flowers always do it, women love them. Actually, I have to confess that was a bit of a trick question because I already knew the answer, it was written across your face, in the form of a huge smile for all the world to see. You had the same smile on your face for weeks and it made me feel good just looking at you, knowing how happy you were.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know that it hasn’t been easy. When you first got here, you were a troubled young man and it seemed like there was nothing that we could do to make you happy. You surprised a lot of people, you know that?”

“No.”

“Well you did, because you turned your life around when you could so easily have given up. I thought that we would have trouble getting you to go to the extra classes. It was asking a lot of you, a new country, a new family, a new school, then extra lessons on top of that. It would have scared the hell outta me. But you knuckled down and I never once heard you complain. You worked hard to get your grades up and made a big impression. I had Mr Andrews on the phone, telling me how well you were doing. We thought that you would have trouble making friends and fitting in, but you proved us wrong again and then to top it all, you went out and got yourself a girlfriend who was not only pretty but intelligent and ambitious as well.”

“It wasn’t like that,” I said. “Fran asked me out, I wasn’t interested in her in that way.” It didn’t matter what I said, his comments had already hit their targets, and I was floundering. I found it difficult to look at him, choosing instead to stare at a photograph on the wall, a picture of Nicola, Daniel and Amy. His real family.

“The attitude that you showed, not just at school but in everything you did is something that cannot be taught, it has to come from within. It’s a special quality and you showed everyone that you had this in abundance.”

I was certain that he was talking about somebody else; he had never praised me for anything before.

“When I dropped you off at Fran’s house that night. I remember watching you struggle to the door, trying to hide those flowers and looking about as awkward as any teenage boy could ever look. You turned to wave at me as if to say, ‘Why are you still here? Go, you’re embarrassing me’. But the smile on your face that day meant more to me than you’ll ever know. I saw it as a turning point in your life. We obviously didn’t need to worry about you anymore. It looked like you had found your place; it was as if you had lived here all your life.”

Don didn’t need to shout at me; he could hurt me just as effectively by being nice. This time he had done his homework and I could offer up no defence. Despite promising myself that I would never cry again, I found it impossible to fight back the tears.

“Why didn’t you say any of these things to me before?”

“Because I didn’t need to.”

“WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?” I expected him to respond; I wanted him to lose his temper, but once again he kept his cool.

“Maybe you can understand now why I reacted the way that I did. Because I could see you throwing everything away that you had worked so hard for, and I couldn’t understand why you would do that. You had it all Robbie, and it’s still there if you want it. I don’t want you to throw away your chance to be happy, for a lifestyle that in the end, can only bring you sadness.”

I knew what he was trying to do but it didn’t make it any less effective and once again, he had totally outsmarted me. When I looked at him, his expression was searching for an answer, but I didn’t know what to say and I couldn’t stop crying.

“I don’t want you to hate me.”

“I don’t hate you, Robbie. I will never hate you, no matter what you decide.”

“BUT I ALREADY DECIDED, WHY CAN’T YOU ACCEPT THAT?”

“Because I’m not convinced that you really know yourself.” He waited for me to calm down, before his next attack. “Look, forget that I’m your uncle for a while and let’s talk man to man. I was a teenager too once, and I still remember what it’s like to have sex.”

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hands and ignored his poor attempt at humour.

“I know this is a bit personal but did Fran turn you on?”

“What!” I had never heard him talk this way before.

“You know,” he said quietly, “did she get you excited? Were you able to get a hard-on?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Did you enjoy having sex with her?” It wasn’t a conversation that I particularly wanted to be having with my uncle, but I bit my lip and answered his question.

“Well, yeah.”

“And were you able to please her?”

“I guess so, she seemed like she was having fun.”

“So what’s the problem?” he said. “What makes you think that you’re gay?”

“Because I like boys better.”

“You mean boys like Nathan?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nathan sometimes looks more like a girl to me, than a boy. He’s even prettier than a lot of girls. You must admit, he can be very feminine when he wants to be, and at fifteen your hormones are all over the place. I’m not condoning what you did, but I bet there are plenty of straight guys out there who could be tempted by someone as pretty as Nathan.”

“So you think that I like Nathan because he acts and maybe looks a bit like a girl?”

“Do you not see that?” he said.

“Well…I’m not sure if that has anything to do with it. I like other guys too. I’m just very confused at the moment and I’m getting a headache. I can’t cope with all of this, its way too much for me to handle.”

“Okay, I understand.” He stood up and put his hand on my shoulder. “Why don’t you go away and think about what I said. That’s all I’m asking of you. Ultimately, it’s going to be your decision.”

“I’ve already made that decision,” I said quietly. “And everybody knows it except you.”

“I do know it Robbie, but I’m not convinced that you do.” He put his hand up to stop me from interrupting him before continuing. “I’m not going to just stand by and let you throw your life away and that’s what you’d be doing by choosing that lifestyle. You’d be throwing your whole life away. You have to understand that.”

Don’s softly, softly, approach had proved far more effective than his previous, bull in a china shop display, and it left me confused and upset.

I wasn’t about to do anymore U-turns, with my sexuality, but a lot of what he said made sense. It was a lot easier when I was dating Fran and I enjoyed all the praise that I got. Some of the guys at school were jealous of me, the same ones who were now likely to be laughing at me, insulting me or worse.

Most hurtful of all though, was his praise, which had proved his most effective weapon. Despite everything that he had done to hurt me, there was still a big part of me that wanted to please him and I didn’t know why. Maybe it shouldn’t have mattered but I desperately wanted his approval.

All the things that he had said to me. About my grades, making friends, and my attempts to fit in. They were all things that I had worked so hard at, but he rarely, if ever acknowledged them. It had taken him almost seven months to say these things, but I got the impression that they would only apply if I chose the right lifestyle, as he put it.

My grades in school would mean nothing if I turned out to be gay. It seemed preposterous that he should try to blackmail me with my own achievements, but it was possible. Although he couldn’t take my grades away, he could take away something that was much more precious to me. His acceptance.

It could have and should have been so different. I was so obviously looking for someone to fill a role in my life that had always been vacant. Even I could see that. Now, it felt as if he was dangling this prize in front of me, tantalisingly just out of reach. I knew that if I was straight, then I would have been assured of his love forever, and he would have gone back to being the person who I wanted him to be. Who I had hoped he would be. A person who I desperately needed in my life.

All of these things were spinning wildly in my head but I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I wouldn’t have been able to explain it to anyone or even put it into words. It was a battle that I never expected to be fighting and it was raging in my head nonstop, where no one could help me. Not even Nathan.

That night I stayed in the bedroom, with the light off. I had a headache and took one of the Tylenol painkillers from the bathroom. It worked for about an hour but the headache returned, so I took another one and then another to be sure. Three did the trick, the pain was gone and I was tired enough to sleep without hearing his voice in my head, but I was only supposed to take the one.

Before going to bed, instead of taking the pills back to the bathroom, I hid the bottle in my bedside drawer. It made me feel a little better, knowing that I had an instant cure at hand.

* * * * *

The next morning, I was woken early by Nicola who told me to go upstairs.

“Dad needs to talk to you,” she said, he’s in the study.

I told her to fuck off, but she insisted that it was important, and wouldn’t leave me alone until I got out of bed and followed her upstairs in my pyjamas.

“What does he want?”

“He’s going through some kind of midlife crises,” she said. “Just tell him what he wants to hear and go back to bed.” She was trying to cheer me up by making fun of him but it was like telling a joke to a condemned man on the way to his execution, and expecting him to laugh.

Don was in his study; still dressed in the same shirt, as the day before. He looked as if he had been awake all night.

“Sit down Robbie,” he said before closing the door.

“Can’t this wait until later?”

“Robbie, I want you to listen to me carefully,” he said. “It’s not going to be possible for you to see Nathan anymore. I know that this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but that’s my decision and you're gonna have to get used to it.”

“What?”

“You heard me, Robbie, it’s over. I don’t want him in this house again, do you understand?”

“NO, YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”

“It’s over Robbie. You hear me. Finished! You had your bit of fun. Your gay experience or whatever you want to call it. Now you’re going to have to get back to reality before it’s too late.”

“But you said, it was my decision?”

“I’m sorry, but I won’t allow you to throw your life away. Nobody has to know about this. We can forget about it. Pretend that it never happened. Then you can go back to school without having to go through all the hate and bullying. Think about how easy your life was, and how difficult it is now. Is Nathan really worth all that?”

I was confused. “I don’t understand, why are you doing this?”

“We won't allow you to throw your life away,” said Sue. She was standing behind me. I didn’t even know that she was there.

“What is this, why are you ganging up on me?”

“You want us to love you don’t you?” he said.

“Yes, but I want to go back to sleep. I’m confused.”

“We won't allow you to throw your life away,” said Sue.

“I’m not throwing my life away.”

“You want us to love you, don’t you?”

“We won't let you throw your life away.”

“GO AWAY!”

“Robbie, Robbie.”

“FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE, I HATE YOU!”

“Robbie, it’s Daniel…it’s okay.”

It was dark in the room, and the voices had given way to silence. Daniel was sitting on the edge of my bed. He had his hand on my shoulder and was looking into my eyes. He looked concerned.

“You were having a bad dream,” he said softly. “Are you okay?” I nodded and sat upright but the room was spinning, so I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing.

“Do you want me to get mom?”

“No.” Sue was the last person who I wanted to see, or maybe the second from last.

“You don’t look too good; do you want me to get you a drink of water or something?”

I shook my head. “I’ll be okay. It was only a nightmare.”

‘A fucking weird one though; so realistic’.

“Is it anything that you wanna talk about?” I think he genuinely wanted to help, but I wouldn’t have known where to start. Everything was a big mess.

“What was I saying?”

“You were mumbling about not throwing your life away,” he said. “Then you told me to fuck off.” He laughed.

“Sorry.”

“I don’t think you were talking to me,” he said.

“No, I wasn’t.”

I felt light-headed and drowsy but too scared to want to go back to sleep so I sat there for a while staring into space while Daniel went back to his bed.

“Thanks, Daniel.”

“It’s okay.”

I got up and went for a pee, then upstairs to get myself a drink. When I returned, Daniel looked like he was asleep, so I sat down at my desk and switched on the computer. There was an email waiting for me from Nathan. He was always sending me funny pictures and jokes and lately he had taken to sending me the occasional pornographic image copied from the internet. Don’s internet controls were set to the stone age and we were prevented from accessing anything that remotely bordered on porn, so I always looked forward to opening Nathan’s emails.

The attachment was titled ‘Teens in Paradise’, but when I opened the file the models looked closer to thirty and one of them had a penis the size of a cucumber. They were naked and fooling around on a deserted beach somewhere. I had never seen a penis that big before and it fascinated me, but as I zoomed in for a closer look, I heard Daniel stirring and quickly reduced the page.

“Robbie?”

“Yeah.”

“What are you doing?”

‘Checking out some guy’s fifteen-inch dick, what do you think I’m doing’.

“Nothing.”

He chuckled at my embarrassment, knowing full well that nobody sits in front of a computer, in their underpants, in the middle of the night, to watch the Google page.

I don’t wanna know anyway,” he said. “But I’ve been thinking…about your dream.” I swivelled my chair around to see him sitting up in bed.

“What about it?”

“I heard dad talking to you earlier and I know he can talk pretty good. But he’s wrong. I don’t think that you’re throwing your life away.”

“I know I’m not.”

“Yeah, well, I just thought I should say something…it’s none of my business, I know, but that’s my opinion…for what it’s worth.” His words made me feel a lot better and I watched him as he settled back down and pulled the sheet over his head.

“You're wrong,” I said. “It is your business and your opinion is worth a lot to me…it was cool of you to tell me that.” Daniel was never comfortable with mushy conversation, but I wanted him to know that I appreciated his support. “And if anyone has a go at you in school because we share a room, then I’ll ask Alex to have a quiet word with them for you.”

He thought that was funny. “My friends are all scared of Alex Baker,” he said. “But I don’t care what anyone says. I’m not ashamed of you.”

“Thanks Daniel.”

“My mom told me that they’ve given you a date for the adoption. It’ll be cool to have a brother and I don’t mind if you're gay…are you okay?”

I had my head in my hands; the headache had returned in a big way and the room was spinning.

“I’m gonna wake up mom,” he said and jumped out of bed, but I stopped him before he could leave.

“No! It’s just a headache. I’ve got some painkillers in my drawer.”

My hand was shaking as I fumbled around in the drawer for the Tylenol. I took three more tablets and sat on my bed, while Daniel read the label.

“You're only supposed to take one every four hours, dude.”

“One doesn’t work, believe me. I’ll be okay. I just need to rest.” I was already feeling a bit better as I got back into bed and my eyes were heavy.

“Err…do you want me to shut the computer down for you?” Then I heard him giggling. “You have gotta be kidding me?”

‘I guess he must have seen Mr Cucumber’.