The Cockney Canuck - 82. Chapter 82 A Fool to Yourself

On Thursday I reached a personal landmark, it was my one-hundred-and-eighty-second day in Canada or exactly half a year. Although it felt like much longer. During those six months, my life had changed completely and it was difficult now to imagine myself back in England. Despite my recent problems I wasn’t sure if I would have wanted to return either, although admittedly, this had a lot to do with Nathan. I would have lived at the South Pole, or the Kalahari Desert, if it meant that I could be with him.

Overall, I had adapted quite well to my new environment and although I didn’t sound very Canadian, I no longer felt like or looked like a foreigner. I knew the difference between a Loonie, a Toonie, and a Newfie, I could swing a baseball bat, skate in a straight line, and knew that when somebody said that they lived just down the road, it was usually a two-hour drive away.

However, I still considered myself English, even though all of my official documents stated otherwise and was fiercely defensive of the country where I had spent most of my life. There were a lot of things that I still missed about the UK and probably always would but surprisingly Tom wasn’t one of them. Our once weekly conversations had slowly petered out and we hadn’t spoken now in over a month. I had replaced him with Nathan and he had replaced me with a girl. It was an inevitable progression, which Tom himself had predicted not that long ago. I still regarded him as a close friend and I suppose we will always have some kind of special connection, but I just didn’t think about him that much anymore.

As far as my new family were concerned, I was still trying to figure it all out. There were times when I felt at home and other times when I felt the complete opposite. Don had a lot to do with it; when he was there I found it difficult to relax, he put me on edge and made things uncomfortable. I had been trying my best to avoid him and he seemed happy with this arrangement making no attempt at reconciliation but his almost child like behaviour was working against him and his only ally now in the family was Sue.

She had been supportive when I came out, and defended me against her husband when I was in the hospital but I now saw her as a collaborator. Even though he was hardly ever at home, Don still seemed to be pulling the strings and Sue, although formidable when angered, seemed incapable of following up her threats with action. She had told me that things would be different after I ran away and she was right, because my life had changed but it wasn’t for the better.

There were some positives to take from my first six months of family life. Nicola, once my nemesis, had recently proven an unlikely but valuable ally. It was a remarkable transformation which I would never have been able to predict, but the truth was, I actually liked her now, a lot. Enough for me to seek her advice and trust her with secrets which I was too scared to tell my boyfriend.

Maybe we had just got off on the wrong foot or maybe she no longer saw me as a threat to her position in the family. I think though, that it also had something to do with the fact that I no longer really enjoyed any special privileges. They had dried up along with my weekly allowance. I didn’t want to accept his money anyway, even if I had to accept living in his house and under his rules.

* * * * *

The weather picked up on Friday but as Daniel and Nicola headed for the beach to meet their respective friends, I was stuck indoors under house arrest with Sue and Amy. I was sitting on my own in the living room listening to a favourite house tune on my headphones when I noticed Sue standing in front of me.

“What?”

“It can’t be doing you any good dear listening to that repetitive banging all day,” she said and I frowned.

“It’s only music.”

“It’s too loud; you’re gonna damage your ears and it’s not good for your recovery.”

“Fine.” I took them off and headed downstairs where I threw them across the room in frustration rendering them useless.

‘Fuck’!

They didn’t like me playing my music out loud and now I wasn’t going to be able to listen to anything. I saw it as another nail in my coffin and took to my bed to sulk.

“It’s your own fault dear,” said Sue after venturing downstairs to see what damage I had caused. “You’re a fool to yourself.” I had heard that line before and rolled over on my bed to face the wall.

“Leave me alone please.”

“Robbie, this isn’t a punishment, you’re not grounded. You’re convalescing.”

“Whatever.”

“What time are your friends getting here?”

“I dunno, ask them!”

“Why don’t you ask them, they’re your friends? Will they be staying over?”

“Yes, but Alex is going out after dinner, I offered to look after Luke, while he goes out…on a date with his girlfriend.” Sue seemed confused by this information. “I’m just doing him a favour that’s all. He doesn’t trust his dad to look after Luke and Brad’s well, I guess you know about him?”

She sat on the edge of the bed and put her hand on my head, brushing the hair from my eyes. “Yes, I know about his brother. That was very nice of you to offer to look after Luke. You have a good heart.”

“Yeah, maybe one day I’ll be able to go out too.” She must have known that was coming.

“We’re not stopping you from going out, you’re recovering from a serious injury. The doctor told you….”

I cut her off. “That’s rubbish, there’s nothing wrong with me anymore it’s because it’s Nathan that’s all. You don’t want me seeing him. Don doesn’t want me seeing him. He doesn’t understand it, so he won’t allow it.”

“You’re right.” That got my attention and I snapped my head around to look at her. “He doesn’t understand it but he’s trying hard to.” I stared at her in disbelief.

“Not hard enough.”

“You have to give him time dear. I know it’s been difficult for you but he still loves you.”

I sat up. “WHAT? How can you say that? He’s never loved me; he doesn’t even know me, he doesn’t wanna know me.”

“That’s not true.”

“I hate him.”

“Well, he doesn’t hate you.”

“If he says that, then he’s lying because I know he hates me, he hates what I am, and he hates the fact that I’m with Nathan because he’s a boy. You promised me that things would be different but nothings changed and it’s only because of him.”

She sat on the bed watching me as I ran out of steam and stood up to pace the room as if to emphasise my increasing frustration at being cooped up. As usual though, my rant earned me little more than a few well-rehearsed words of sympathy and changed nothing.

“I can understand your frustration honey, but it won't be forever.” I was familiar with that line now and spoke the last few words at the same time as her.

“I’m bored here on my own.”

“Your friends are coming over tonight.”

“Whoopee, I’m babysitting remember?”

“Well, you can invite him over again.”

‘You won’t be saying that tomorrow’.

“In the meantime,” she said, “You’re just gonna have to amuse yourself, I’m sure that you can think of something to do.”

‘Amuse myself’?

When she left, I examined my damaged headphones, wound the lead around them and threw them wildly across the room towards the empty garbage in disgust. It was an impossible shot to attempt but they rebounded off the wall and somehow went in without even touching the sides. Kobe Bryant would have been proud.

‘Why is it that there’s never anyone around when something like that happens’?

It was scant compensation for my incarceration but nevertheless, an achievement worthy of a cheer and a smile as I grabbed my towel and went upstairs to take a bath.

Sue was right, I could think of something to do to amuse myself.

* * * * *

“Yesterday, it was six months since I got here,” I announced later as I joined her in the kitchen.

“Really, well that’s something to be proud of. Do you feel any different from when you arrived?”

“No!” I lied.

“But you act different. You even talk a little differently, not quite as cockney.”

“Only because nobody understands me.”

“But you’ve made friends and you’ve become part of the family.”

“Hmmm, I don’t feel like part of the family though.”

“But you are and when the adoption goes through it will be all legal.” She patted me on the arm but alarm bells were suddenly ringing in my head. I hadn’t expected her to say that.

“I don’t know…is that still gonna happen?”

“Of course honey. Don still wants this and so do I and the kids definitely do.” She looked concerned by my statement, but after what had happened, and with Don still behaving like a complete jerk, I was surprised that she had mentioned it at all.

“I doubt if that’s true…maybe the kids and maybe even you, but not Don.”

She put her hand on my shoulder. “Honey, in the end, it’s still your decision but as far as Don and I are concerned it’s something that we want to do. It won’t make a lot of difference but it may help you to feel more like a part of the family and it’s what your mom wanted.”

“I dunno, I don’t feel very wanted around here lately.”

She turned around and walked to the other side of the kitchen, looking angry. I was wearing her down.

“Okay,” she said. “You don’t have to do this, but if you don’t feel like a part of this family and you don’t want to be, then why don’t you go downstairs and tell Amy, because she thinks that she’s getting a brother? She thinks the world of you. How can you tell me that you don’t feel wanted?”

It was crude attempt at emotional blackmail but it worked. She knew that I would never have said anything like that to Amy and I dropped my head as an emotional Sue walked over to hold my hand in front of me.

“It’s just….” I stopped when I looked over Sue’s shoulder and saw Amy standing in the doorway.

‘Did she overhear any of that’?

“Robbie, listen to me,” said Sue. “We want you to be a part of this family and it doesn’t matter that you’re gay.”

‘Busted’!

I looked past her towards Amy, who this time, had definitely overheard and Sue followed my eyes.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “Amy already knows about me, don’t you?” I put my faith in her and she smiled bashfully back at me and nodded. “And she doesn’t think that I’m a bad person for it either, do you.”

It may have been a shock to Sue but as I expected, Amy was quick to back me up and was rewarded with a hug. I knew that she would follow me to the end of the world if I asked her and I loved her for it. She was another positive to take from my first six months. Nicola had grown on me; Daniel, after a rough period was on his way back but Amy had been there from day one, and it felt as if I had known her all my life. I couldn’t possibly let her down.

* * * * *

I was looking forward to seeing Luke but a little apprehensive about Alex coming to dinner. Even on his best behaviour he was volatile and unpredictable, and there was no way that I was going to be able to stop him from swearing. I had visions of him rolling a joint at the dinner table and making a pass at Nicola or even Daniel, for that matter. Maybe both of them and possibly even the three of us. I was just pleased that Alex had Jenny to take care of that night.

I had already apologised to everyone for his behaviour before he even arrived but the joke was on me because in the hour-and-a-half that he was there, Alex hardly put a foot wrong. He was impressed with the house and I was forced to give him a guided tour while Amy made friends with Luke.

“Is this your room?” I was mad at Daniel for leaving it in such a mess when he got home, but Alex thought it was too tidy to be a bedroom. “You have a nice place here, why did you wanna leave? Oh, yeah because of your uncle right?”

“Sort of.”

He was lying on my bed when Daniel came downstairs to tell us that dinner was ready. They already knew each other from school but had never really talked.

“Alex, this is Daniel my cousin.”

“Brother,” said Daniel, correcting me and shooting me a disapproving look. “I’m his brother.”

“Cool,” said Alex but he looked a little confused. “My little bro’s around here someplace, have you seen him?”

“Yes,” said Daniel. “He just charged me two bucks to come down the stairs.”

“He did what?” asked Alex.

“Him and Amy have got some kind of toll thing going on.”

Alex laughed. “You didn’t pay him did you?”

“Well I think that Amy had a lot to do with it,” said Daniel. “And they’re both dressed up in, well you gotta see for yourself.”

I couldn’t wait.

The dressing up definitely sounded like Amy’s idea but Alex wasn’t impressed with his younger brother’s scamming.

“I’ll get your money back for you,” he said and he shouted to his sibling who made a hasty visit to the bedroom with Amy in tow. They were dressed as pirates, I think, although it was hard to tell. Luke looked more like a drag queen. There was a lot of fake jewelry, scarfs, and he was wearing a long, curly black wig. I smothered a laugh with my hand as he looked warily up at his brother who towered over him.

“What the fuck are you wearing bro?”

“I’m a pirate.” I was so pleased to hear him say that.

“Okay, but that doesn’t mean you can go around taking money off people, does it?” He turned to me and I shrugged.

‘Err, that’s what pirates do’.

“Okay, give the money back.”

“I didn’t steal it though.”

“He could’ve walked the plank,” said Amy, not really helping matters.

“I’m gonna count to five Luke, and if you don’t do it by the time I finish then I’m gonna kick your fucking ass and make you walk the plank for real, understand?”

“There’s no sea here.”

“They have a pool outside; I’ll throw you in it.”

I held my breath as Alex began counting very slowly, but the money was in Daniel’s palm before he reached three and we all relaxed. Except for Amy, who was disappointed that her newfound friend wasn’t really going to walk the plank.

Daniel, told me afterwards that he felt guilty for getting Luke in trouble and wanted to give the kid the two bucks anyway, but wisely chose not to interfere with Alex’s slightly unorthodox parenting techniques.

“He wouldn’t really have thrown him in the pool, would he?”

“Almost definitely,” I replied.

* * * * *

“Where are you going with your date tonight Alex?” asked Sue. I had spent the past half-an-hour keeping him out of range of Sue’s questions but I couldn’t save him at the dinner table where she had ample opportunity to interrogate our guest.

“Date?”

“Jenny,” I reminded him.

“Oh, Jenny, err, no place really we’re just gonna hang out…err, probably at her house. Maybe watch a movie, you know with her family.”

I couldn’t have lied any better myself, but there was at least some truth in that statement. He was definitely going to her house, it was just that her family wouldn’t be there and they wouldn’t be watching any movies either.

Nicola looked as if she was itching to ask a few questions of her own and I stared at her across the table to make sure that she was on the same wavelength.

“You know you can come over any time?” said Sue. “If ever your dad’s not there for any reason.” I knew that she wouldn’t be able to resist asking about his old man but Alex was probably used to those kind of questions and fended them off with ease.

“My dad’s there most of the time,” he said. “He’s in between jobs at the moment.”

“What does he do?”

“Anything…he used to work at the lumber yard but he…had an accident and was off for a while.”

“Oh dear, not bad I hope?” said Sue.

“Nothing too bad, something hit him in the face.”

‘Somebody more like’.

“He busted his nose and lost a couple of teeth, his eye was all swollen….”

“Oh dear,” said Sue.

“And he broke his jaw….”

“That sounds quite bad to me,” said Daniel.

“Oh, and he had a big cut on his forehead.” We waited in silence expecting more. “He actually looked a lot better than he did before,” Alex said and laughed.

He had already told me that his dad had been fired from his last job for fighting, so I guessed that he wasn’t much good at that either. The smile though was soon wiped off my face when Sue, anxious to change the subject, announced the sleeping arrangements.

“Luke can have your bed Robbie, so you’ll have to sleep in the family room. Otherwise he won’t be able to go to bed until you do.”

I suppose it made sense, but it consigned me to the uncomfortable sofa bed and the possibility of having to sleep with Alex.

“You’ll have to share with Robbie,” she told Alex, “or one of you can sleep on the couch, it’s up to you.” He glanced towards me with a lopsided grin, while Nicola nearly choked on a sausage. I could only hope that I wouldn’t be doing the same later that night.

“What time will you be coming back?” I asked him but Sue, determined that he should stay and blissfully unaware of the possible implications answered for him.

“I don’t suppose he’ll be back much before eleven,” she said to me before turning to Alex. “But I’m sure that Robbie will let you in.” I swallowed hard at her choice of words and stared at my plate.

‘Why can’t she be that obliging with Nathan’?

I knew though, that with his brother in safe hands, there was a good possibility that he wouldn’t be back at all.

“Err, I wasn’t planning on sleeping here tonight, Mrs Taylor.” I was relieved to hear that and so, I think, was Nicola who wiped her mouth with a napkin and went back to her meal. “But if I do; I don’t mind sharing with Robbie.”

This time, I was certain that he was only toying with me, and he flashed me another meaningful smile as Sue started to clear up. She couldn’t have been more helpful to Alex if she had tried.

‘I’m surprised that she didn’t hand him some lube and a packet of condoms’.

After dinner, I was allowed out of the house to walk my friend to the bus stop.

“Your mom’s very hospitable,” he said and laughed.

“She’s not my mom.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry.”

“So you’re not coming back tonight then?”

“Why, did you want me to?”

“NO!”

He laughed. “Don’t panic, I doubt if I’ll be able to get away from Jenny anyway.”

“Does she want you to go back with her then, is that it?”

“Yeah and other stuff.”

“Will you have to sleep with her?”

“Probably.”

“You mean she’s blackmailing you for sex?”

“Gross eh?”

“Rather you than me…I mean because she’s a girl. I didn’t mean that she’s ugly or anything.”

“I get it,” he said. “But it’s not just about sex. I’m good but not that good. She wants other things too.” That surprised me but he quickly changed the subject. “I suppose I could always tell Jenny to take a hike and come back to sleep with you instead?”

“What? No. I need you to talk to Jenny. Do whatever she wants you to do, just keep her happy will you?”

“Wow, there speaks a desperate man. You have no idea what it takes to keep her happy do you?”

“No.”

“It takes a lot.”

“I’m sure you’ve got that covered Alex,” I said with a wink. “In fact I know you have.”

“Yeah, right. So what’s it worth to you?”

I stopped and froze on the spot. “Are you trying to blackmail me now?”

“No, of course not. Geez, what do you take me for. Asshole, you’re lucky I didn’t slug you for that.”

“Right.”

“But you don’t expect me to save your relationship for nothing do you?” I stared at him as he held his hands up. “Only joking dude.”

I wasn’t sure whether to believe him or not. I knew that he wouldn’t actually blackmail me, but he would probably try to make me feel that I owed him something for helping me out, even though he was doing it more for his own sake than mine.

That was the way he was, the way he had been brought up. It was the bad side of him but there was a good side too, and I got the feeling that he was also trying his best to be nice to me and treat me as a friend. Not like one of his other so-called friends but like a real friend. The problem was, I don’t think that he had ever had anyone who he could trust and be honest with and he really wasn’t sure what to do.

‘If he comes back tonight though, I’m sleeping on the couch’.

* * * * *

As I expected Luke and Amy had become instant friends and my little sister had barely left him alone since he arrived. When I got back to the house though, a feud had developed between the pair over what show they were watching on TV. There was a shouting match, followed by a standoff before I was forced to intervene and act as a go between.

It was the start of very stressful few hours and when Amy went to bed I was left on my own with Luke. I put him in my bed, but he got straight up again, so I read him a story, and fetched him a drink, but he still wouldn’t sleep and became agitated and grumpy.

What had looked like an easy job quickly turned into a nightmare as I tried to reassure and increasingly upset and clearly quite troubled child. I realised that being a parent wasn’t an easy job, except of course if you happened to be Luke’s real dad, who I was cursing come nine o’clock. After finally falling asleep with me in the family room, he woke up again as I was putting him back to bed.

He was upset and crying for Alex, and I suppose being in a strange house didn’t help. The noise brought Sue downstairs and she was able to calm him down and put him back to bed but when she left, he was awake again and his sobs turned into a full blown tantrum. It wasn’t nice but there was nothing that anyone could do and he wouldn’t let anyone near him, although everyone tried, even Don when he came home.

Finally, at just after ten o’clock, under pressure from Sue, I was forced to concede and call Alex to ask him to come back.