The Cockney Canuck - 142. Chapter 142 Beggars Can't Be Choosers

It was dark in the basement, but I could still see Nathan lying on the couch; his pale skin bathed in the flickering, blueish glare of the television. His thin body was a familiar sight, and so were the pair of loose-fitting jogging pants he borrowed from me in the summer. He didn’t seem to be wearing much else, but I suppose it wasn’t easy for him to get dressed and this was probably the reason why it was so unbearably warm.

He was asleep, so I crouched in front of him close enough to study his face. My boy was healing; the bruises were now a deep yellow, and some had faded completely. There was a scar on his forehead and another on his upper lip, which was still a little swollen, but he looked much better than he did even four days ago. Nathan’s beauty was never in danger, but underneath that angelic face was a tormented soul, which I was only just finding out about. I wondered what turmoil was going on inside that cute little head of his and what I could do to help.

I stood back and switched on the light, hoping it would wake him, then smiled at the sight before me. Don was wrong. A nearly naked Nathan without the usual make-up or bling looked nothing like a girl. The pole tenting the front of his pants was a blatant giveaway and a reminder of his masculinity, but difficult for him to remedy with both arms in plaster. They were folded and supported across his bare chest by two rope-like slings that looped around his neck. I felt sorry for him. It must have been torture to be so close to his favourite toy and not be allowed to play with it. The slings ensured his dick was tantalisingly just out of reach; a cruel twist of fate for a horny lad without a boyfriend.

I was embarrassed for him. Enough for me to want to reach across and tuck it away, but I didn’t dare. I already felt guilty just for looking and for taking an absurd amount of time to alert him of my presence, but it seemed such a shame to wake him.

“Nathan.” My first whispered attempt had little effect. He groaned, mumbled something incoherent, and rolled over to face the back of the couch. He was a heavy sleeper, so I rocked his shoulder and spoke a little louder. “Nathan!”

I made him jump. He snorted, and his eyes sprang open. Then he rolled back the other way and slid off the edge of the couch. I could only watch and wince as he landed on the carpet with a dull thud, narrowly missing the coffee table.

It wasn’t far to fall, and he was lucky to land on his back, avoiding any further damage to his arms, but it was pure slapstick. He still had one foot on the couch as he looked up at me, angry and confused. I was trying not to laugh as I heard the door open at the top of the stairs followed by Karen’s worried voice asking if he was okay.

“He’s fine.”

“No, I’m not! What did you do to me?”

“Nothing, you were asleep.”

“Do you need any help down there?” asked Karen.

“Yes!” said Nathan.

“No,” I said at the same time. “It’s okay; I can manage.”

He may have lacked Conner’s well-defined chest, but a shirtless, prostrate, and helpless Nathan was disturbingly appealing, even when accompanied by a stern face. I looked down at him and smiled as he sat upright and narrowed his eyes at me, demanding an explanation.

“What are you doing here? Where’s Daniel?”

“He couldn’t make it, something came up,” I said, staring at his boner. I was impressed, despite his fall and obvious discomfort, it hadn’t lost much steam. When he saw me looking, he pulled his knees up to his chest to shield it from me, but it was a token gesture. He wasn’t embarrassed by something I had seen a hundred times before and I didn’t see any point in concealing my interest either. He knew me better than that. “Do you want me to help you? You look a little stiff.”

“No, thanks. You’ve done enough damage! And you're not funny.” Even without the use of his arms, he didn’t have too much trouble standing up. He was a dancer and much fitter than his body suggested. I watched him rock himself onto his heels, and the momentum carried him to his feet. “Who are you working for? Did you come here to try to finish me off?”

“No, but I can if you want.”

“What?”

“It doesn’t matter. I was only trying to wake you up.”

“By pushing me off the couch? You're not satisfied with ruining my life; you have to ruin my dreams too.”

I didn’t realise I ruined his life. It was a bold statement and something I had never heard him say before, even when he hated me. I decided to ignore his overreaction.

“Sorry about your dream. It looks like it was a good one.”

He glared at me. “You can laugh if you want. It’s the only fun I have these days.”

“I’m not here to make fun of you, Nathan.”

“Then, why are you here? And how did you manage to get past the ring of steel upstairs? None of my real friends can.”

That statement hurt me, and I think he knew it; because his eyes lingered to gauge my reaction. After listening to his mom and sister, I wasn’t expecting a warm reception, and I wondered if it was the drugs that were making him so miserable or the lack of them.

“I brought your homework from school. Daniel asked me if I could do it for him. I didn’t think you would mind.”

He was hurting not just from his injuries and his frustration at not being able to do anything for himself, but from his forced isolation imposed by his family. I wasn’t sure yet if it was necessary or an overreaction from worried parents assuming the worst.

He settled back on the couch and tried to pull a blanket across his body with his teeth. Then he glared at me when I tried to help.

“I can do it,” he said, but he couldn’t and I watched him get increasingly frustrated before swearing at the blanket and then blaming his failure on my presence. “Do you have to keep looking at me?”

I tried to ignore his insults and the compulsion to help him, but it wasn’t easy. Karen had warned me, and I knew why he was so ratty, but I hadn’t seen him this angry before.

There was no rush, so I looked around the basement and pretended to ignore him as he settled in front of the TV. I had fond memories of that place. It was where he demolished me at poker and the setting for a few of our livelier adult encounters, which I tried not to think about.

“I’ll leave them here for you then,” I said, but he didn’t look away from the television. “Sorry I woke you up.”

I stood there watching him for a while until he acknowledged me.

“I thought you had gone.”

“I was doing you a favour. Maybe I shouldn’t have bothered.” His foul mood was rubbing off on me. I knew he didn’t hate me as his tone suggested, but I didn’t like being used as a punchbag either.

“I didn’t ask you to do it. And I don’t need you to do me any favours.”

‘Fuck you!’

I was pissed off by his attitude and needed to leave before I said something I would regret.

“Fine, I was only trying to help. I’ll see you around. You're looking a lot better by the way.”

I was halfway up the stairs when he stopped me.

“Wait! Where are you going?”

“Home, I guess. This isn’t the only place I can go to be insulted, you know.”

“You don’t have to leave,” he said. “Unless you want to that is.”

I smiled at the wall before turning around. I’m not sure what I would have done if he hadn’t stopped me. I didn’t have a plan, and I didn’t want to leave. I suspected he knew that too.

Nathan was standing at the bottom of the stairs. My jogging pants were way too big for him; hanging precariously from his slender hips and I wasn’t sure what was keeping them up.

“I didn’t just come here to drop off a few books,” I admitted. “I wanted to see you as well.”

“You only saw me a few days ago.”

“I wanted to see you on your own. Is that okay?”

“Well, you're here now, so it doesn’t matter, does it?”

I followed his sexy butt across the room where he plonked himself down on the couch and rested his feet on the cluttered coffee table.

“Okay. It’s nice of you to visit, is that what you want me to say?” It sounded like it hurt him to say that, but I didn’t want to push my luck, so I swallowed my pride and accepted his feeble attempt to be civil. I wasn’t expecting him to jump into my arms or allow me the kind of benefits his sister had suggested.

I had forgotten how messy Nathan was. The coffee table was littered with used plates with half-eaten food, cups, and magazines, none of which were any use to him on his own. I wondered who was feeding him as I picked up an empty pizza delivery box.

“Do you want me to take some of this upstairs?”

“No, put it back!”

“It’s a mess.”

“It’s not a mess, leave it.”

He knew it wasn’t easy for me. I hated clutter, and it was difficult for me to ignore. I held onto the pizza box defiantly and then watched in awe as he clamped the remote control between his feet and used his toe to switch off the television.

I dropped the box; the mess was no longer important. “How did you do that?”

“Do what?”

“The television thingy.”

“Practice,” he said. “So now you have me on my own, what is it you wanted to do?”

I was still looking at his feet. “Sorry?”

He shook his head. “You said you wanted to see me on my own.”

“I did?” I smiled hesitantly as I caught up with the conversation. “That’s right, I did. Can you do that again?”

“No, I thought you came to see me not watch TV. Are you even listening to me?”

“Sorry, I was just thinking.”

“You can sit down and do it if you want, it might be easier. Just don’t try to clean up.”

He moved over to make room for me on the couch so I quickly parked my butt next to him before he could change his mind.

“Well, where is it, aren’t you gonna show me?”

“Show you what?”

“I can’t exactly grab it myself, can I?” I stared at him with a vacant expression. “My homework,” he said softly. What did you think I meant?”

I chuckled apologetically as I retrieved the books from the other side of the room.

“English and history,” I said. “They should be fun,” and without thinking, I tried to hand them to him. He looked at me and then at his arms. “I guess it’s not gonna be easy for you, is it?”

“They give me books I can’t even hold, let alone read. What chance have I got of getting any actual work done?”

I had a solution. “I can help you if you want.”

“Really? You want to sit here and turn the pages for me?”

“No, but I have homework too, you know. We can do it together. That way, I can copy some of your work and help myself at the same time.” I thought it was a good idea, and I think my enthusiasm almost made him smile. I was giving it everything I had.

“You're a grade higher than me, why would you wanna copy my work?”

“Only in some subjects. In history, I’m still at grade nine, and it’s even lower in English. They don’t even have a grade for me in math.”

“You're an idiot.”

“That’s what I’m saying. The only reason I’m in high school at all is because Mr Andrews is having an affair with Sue and he wants to keep her happy. I’m a dunce with a capital P.”

Nathan chewed his bottom lip while considered my offer. “Hmm, I’m not sure if I should be studying with you if you're that stupid, but I’m interested in finding out about Mr Andrews and Sue.”

“I thought you might.” I tapped my nose and smiled. “I know a lot of interesting things that I know you would be interested in knowing about.”

“No, you don’t, but you can help me with my homework if you really want to.”

“Yea!” I considered it a significant breakthrough. I needed an excuse to come back and hang out with him, and this allowed me exclusive and almost unlimited access for as long as he was off school.

“Providing it’s only a couple of days a week.”

“Booooo!”

“And you don’t mind helping me out in other ways.”

My eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. I detected a whiff of vulnerability in those words, and the emphasis he applied to them was unmistakeably suggestive.

“I don’t mind,” I said. “What exactly do you need me to do? You’ve only gotta ask, and I’m on it.”

He rolled his eyes. “I bet you are. Is that why Conner likes you?”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

I was trying to work out what he meant. It sounded like he hit the nail on the head, but it must have been a lucky guess. I decided to ignore it. I didn’t want to get bogged down talking about Conner’s sexual needs. I didn’t have that much time.

“I can come here after school if you're not busy.”

“Busy? Oh yeah, I’m real busy, but you're in luck because it seems like you and Daniel are the only people my family will allow me to see.” He flopped his head back and stared at the ceiling, looking thoroughly fed up.

“Maybe Daniel can help out too then,” I said. “We can take turns.”

“Really? I didn’t think you were interested in tag-teaming. Oh, well, I don’t mind. Who cares about the schoolwork, eh.”

I laughed, but his face remained cold and distant, it was like he was in constant pain.

We talked for a while about Daniel and his increasingly fragile relationship with his ever hateful father. Nathan was concerned but not surprised to hear about Don’s racist undertones.

“I told Daniel not to come over here. I don’t want him getting into trouble because of me.”

“He’s still gonna come and see you, but maybe not as much. So it’s a good job I’m available.”

“Yeah, what a coincidence. It’s almost like it was planned that way. But won't you get into trouble too, for breaking Don’s rules, or have they given up trying to convert you? I know I would.”

“Something like that. He won't be happy if he finds out I’ve been over here, but I’m not scared of him anymore. Jo’s taught me a lot. He can’t hurt me.”

“He can, Robbie. And he will. You need to be careful.”

There was an uncomfortable silence before I changed the subject.

“Let’s not talk about him. Can you change channels too? You know with your feet?”

“Yes, and other things, but I’m not gonna show you.”

It was probably best he didn’t. I was already too hot. I peeled off my sweater and folded it neatly before turning to him with a huge smile.

“So how are you feeling?”

“Great. I’ve never felt better. I’m bored out of my skin and have to be waited on twenty-four, seven. I can’t even have a pee on my own.”

I don’t know why that surprised me, if he couldn’t use his hands. At the hospital, he had a catheter. It begged the inevitable question, and he must have read my mind.

“So, who …?”

“My sister.”

I was confused. “Your sister what?”

“My sister helps me in the bathroom. That’s what you were gonna ask me, wasn’t it?”

He spoke in a very matter-of-fact way, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and looked at me like I was stupid even to ask. He was close to his sister, but that arrangement sounded a little too close for comfort.

“Doesn’t she mind?”

“I’m pretty sure she doesn’t enjoy it, but we manage.”

“What happens when she’s not here?”

“Then, I have to get my mom to help.”

“Eew, yuk!” That sounded even worse, but I suppose he didn’t have much choice. I conjured up an image of his sister holding his dick while he peed and chuckled.

“I’m glad you find it amusing.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh.”

“Yes, you did.”

“It is funny.”

“No, it’s not! How would you like it?”

I was forced to admit I would rather piss my pants than allow Nicola or Sue to hold my dick, but that wasn’t quite how it worked. I got the impression they just pulled his pants down and left him to it; hit or miss kind of thing.

Nathan deserved better than that, he needed someone who was prepared to be a bit more hands-on, so naturally, I volunteered my services. No offence to Karen, but I was confident I would be able to do a much better job. I already had tons of experience at that kind of thing and knew his dick like the back of my hand. If I could get him to hit his face with a dollop of jizz, then making the toilet bowl from a lesser distance would be a doddle.

I was expecting him to jump at the opportunity, but instead, he looked deeply troubled by my suggestion.

“I don’t think that’s gonna work. You can help me in other ways if you want, but I’m managing okay at the moment as far as the bathroom is concerned.”

“Fine. It’s good you're managing.” It was a slap in the face when all I was doing was trying to help and make life easier for him. It didn’t make sense; I considered myself the obvious choice and the perfect solution to an embarrassing problem. I was beginning to regret visiting him at all.

Nathan could see me sulking, and he had an annoying look on his face that made it even worse. I was terrible at hiding my moods, especially from him. He could read me better than anyone.

“You're upset because I won't let you help me pee, aren’t you?”

I scoffed. “Of course not. Why would I be upset? It’s not like I wanted to do it. I was only offering because I felt sorry for you. I can think of better things to do than help you in the bathroom. Much better things. Blimey, you must think I’m some kinda sad weirdo or something.”

He was staring at me. “It had crossed my mind.”

“What?”

“You're a sad weirdo.”

“I know.”

He looked across at me and shook his head, but there was a hint of a smile in that derogatory glance that I found encouraging. It felt as if he was throwing me a lifeline.

“When you're finished sulking. Can you pour me some water?”

There was a bottle of water on the table next to him, and a plastic cup with screw-on lid, which I found under a teen pop magazine on the cluttered coffee table.

“One Direction? Are you kidding me?”

He blushed. “I think he’s cute.”

“Which one?”

“All of them.” This time I saw a definite smile although he tried to hide it. “I could die of thirst here, you know.”

I chuckled and put the magazine down. “Stop complaining. Now how does this thing work? Wow, that’s cool, it has a straw.”

“You stick it in the hole at the top,” he said as I examined the container.

“I know where to stick it.” I flashed him a wicked smile and picked up the straw. “I’ve never seen one this big before.” He rolled his eyes as I screwed on the top and winked at him. “Do you want me to put it in your mouth, Nathan?”

I finally got a laugh out of him. “You're such a dick,” he said.

“I know. Now open wide and let me see your tonsils.” I put the straw in his mouth and watched him make short work of his drink. “Nice sucking. You're getting better at it.”

He laughed and nearly choked. “I would hit you for that remark if I had hands.”

“I bet you would do a lot of things if you had hands.”

“Don’t make fun of me,” he said. “You have no idea what it’s like. I can’t do a fucking thing. I hate being like this.” He turned away from me and started sobbing, leaving me nervously wringing my hands. I tried to peek over his shoulder, but he snapped at me. “Leave me alone!”

I thought I was making progress. It was a reminder of how fragile he was. One misplaced remark was all it took to change his mood. It was so unlike the Nathan I knew.

“I was only trying to make you laugh,” I said. “I don’t know what else I can do.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you.”

“You don’t have to apologise. I know you're not well. I need to be more patient.”

“Is that what they told you; I’m not well?”

“No, I already knew that. You’ve got two broken arms.”

“Did they say anything else?”

“About the drugs, you mean? Yes, they told me about Ginny.”

“Do you believe them?”

“I’m not sure what to believe.”

“Well, it’s not true. So that you know. I’ve never had a problem with drugs.”

I had a question. “When you say you’ve never had a problem with drugs. Do you mean you’ve never had a problem getting them or never had a problem using them?”

“I mean, I don’t have to use them, not like every day.”

“How often then, every other day?”

He glared at me. “I know what you're doing. It’s pretty obvious.”

“It is?”

“Yes, Karen asked you to come here, didn’t she? Don’t deny it. She told you to ask those questions. No offence, but you're not smart enough to think of them on your own.”

‘Cheeky little fucker’.

“Karen didn’t ask me to come here. I told you, I wanted to see you, and I’m not stupid either. I was joking about my grades earlier.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter. My family doesn’t understand.”

“They wanna help you, Nathan.”

“I don’t need their help, okay? Let’s just drop it.”

“You can talk to me, you know.”

I watched him get up and walk around the room. Even in familiar surroundings, he looked almost out of place and weighed down with problems. His usual exuberance had deserted him, and my jogging pants were threatening to do the same. He was now showing a good portion of his buttocks and was dangerously close to exposing his tackle, but my ex-boyfriend looked unperturbed as he sat at the bottom of the stairs.

“Okay, if you wanna know the truth, I’ve been taking amphetamine and the occasional bit of coke, but that’s all, and I’m not addicted to either. Can you pull my pants up please?”

“Why?”

“Because they’re falling down. You mean the drugs don’t you?” I nodded as I yanked his pants up to his hips. “Because they make me feel good. They give me confidence and energy and make me a better actor and dancer. Without them, I’m really not much good.”

“How can you say that? You're fantastic; everyone says so.”

“How would you know, whenever you’ve seen me on stage, I’ve always been on something. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. I’m a fake.”

I wasn’t sure if it made him a fake or not. If so, then probably most of Hollywood was too, and nearly all of the music business from what I had read.

Nathan rarely cried, so the sight of him sobbing in front of me was difficult to take. I reacted instinctively the same as I did with Daniel by putting my arms around him as he cried into my shoulder.

“I don’t think you're a fake, Nathan. You're talented and funny even without drugs.”

“I feel like I cheated; that’s why I don’t want them to know.”

“It’s not the Olympics. No ones gonna judge you for it, but you're gonna have to tell them sooner or later. They need to know.”

I was rubbing his back from his shoulder blades to the base of his spine without even thinking. His hair was in my face, and he wet my cheek with his tears as he pulled away from me, looking embarrassed.

“I’m a mess,” he said. “I need you to wash my face.” He was covered in tears and snot, but I had seen him in worse states than that. We sat back down on the couch, and I wiped his face with tissues I found on the coffee table. I enjoyed looking after him, pampering him, and caring for him. It seemed to bring out the best in me.

“I want to be your nurse,” I said. “Does that sound weird?”

“Definitely,” he said.

“Nothing sexual. I just wanna look after you and stuff.”

“What would your boyfriend think if he knew you wanted to stuff me?”

“He already knows, but I don’t care what he thinks.”

“Well, you should. You don’t like him, do you?”

‘Is it that obvious?’

“What makes you think that?”

“I’ve noticed little things like the way you argue all the time. That’s always a bad sign. You don’t act like a couple at all. At Ginny’s party, I think you only met up occasionally to hurl insults at each other. What’s keeping you together; is it the sex?”

I laughed. “No, and don’t ask me why.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s selfish and only thinks about himself. I’m just there to please him all the time, and it hurts.”

“Oh my God, he’s fucking you isn’t he?”

“Only every opportunity he gets.”

I wasn’t even sure why I was telling him this, but Nathan looked genuinely upset. He tried hugging me, but his arms wouldn’t allow it. “Oh, my poor baby. The man’s a brute, why are you still with him?”

“I’m not. Not anymore, I mean not after tomorrow. I’m gonna tell him when we’re fixing his barn.”

“You're fixing his barn. Is that cockney slang?”

“No, it means I’m fixing his barn. The roof came off or something.”

“Well, it’s none of my business anyway. But I warn you, it’s no fun being single, and it’s not easy meeting people. Look at what happened to me.”

“It’s okay; I’m not interested in meeting anyone.”

“Right. Tell me that in six months from now. It’s not much fun being on your own all the time. Especially when all your straight friends have girlfriends.”

“I know that. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it. All I’ve done is think about it, and I’m pretty sure I’m doing the right thing. Conner can be a nice guy when he wants to be, but that’s not very often, and we always argue, even on our first night together we argued. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be telling you all this.”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind. I guess it’s kinda refreshing listening to other people’s problems for a change as long as you don’t expect me to feel sorry for you. I’m all out of sympathy.”

I was feeling good. After an inauspicious start, things were looking up, and Nathan was starting to sound more like the boy I loved. The conversation was becoming easier; he was cracking jokes and even laughing.

When I went upstairs to get some food, Karen and his mom were all over me. I was already their favourite, but their son’s laughter had elevated my status even further. I was sent back to the basement with a tray of food and a ton of expectation on my shoulders.

Nathan was waiting on the couch for me to feed him his dinner, a job which I enjoyed more than I expected. Meatballs were fun. I liked the way he sucked them into his mouth and rolled them across his tongue, but winced when he bit down on them. The vegetables were bland but I nearly split my sides when I saw the dessert.

“You did that on purpose.”

“No, I didn’t. It was an accident, but it suits you.” I used the spoon to scoop up some of the spilt yoghurt from his face and deposit it in his mouth. The rest I smeared across his cheek in a shameless display of erotic play-acting.

“I’m glad you come today,” he said with a mouthful of yoghurt, and I nearly fell off the couch. “I’m serious. It was cool of you to do that. It was the most fun I’ve had in a long while.”

He nearly choked on the last couple of words, and I could see his eyes misting over. Once again I reached out and wrapped my arms around him. He didn’t object, but surprised me by shuffling along the couch to get a little closer.

“I’m sorry I walked out on you.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said, but when he rested his head on my chest, I could hear him sobbing.

He lifted his feet onto the couch, and I rubbed his back as he cried. Then stroked his hair, before kissing the top of his head, almost without thinking.

It was a relief to be close to him again, like coming home from an extended holiday. Everything about him was familiar. His scent, his warmth, his bony shoulders, and silky hair that wrapped around my fingers so easily. He just fit me so well, and I wanted him to know it.

“I miss you.”

Nathan had stopped crying, but he didn’t move. He looked comfortable, and I thought he might have even fallen asleep. Then I felt him rubbing his face on my t-shirt.

It made me giggle, and he joined me. His random chuckles interrupted by breaks to sniff. It was almost cute.

“I made a mess on your t-shirt,” he said, his voice deep and croaky. “You can borrow one of mine to go home in.”

That was a negative thought. I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to stay exactly where I was, forever.

“I don’t care.”

“You will when you see it. It’s a little snotty.”

“You wiped your nose on my t-shirt?” I laughed. If it had been anyone else, I would have been pissed, but how else was he supposed to wipe his nose.

“I can wash it for you.”

“And how are you gonna do that?”

He laughed. “I miss you too, you know. Sometimes.”

“Really?”

“Of course, don’t be so surprised. You have your good points.”

“What are they? Tell me?”

“Well, it’s not your fashion sense, that’s for sure. But I like your hair.”

“My hair? You mean the stuff on my head?”

“Yes, Robbie. I wasn’t referring to your pubes. And I suppose your face is reasonably cute.”

“What? Only reasonably.”

“Okay, it’s cute.”

“Very cute?”

“Medium cute.”

“Okay, what else?”

“These insane conversations. That’s what I miss about you.”

“Me too.” I leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. Then pushed the hair off his face to get a better look at him.

His big eyes looked sad as they fell to his lap. “Don’t do that.”

“Does it still hurt?”

“No, but I look ugly.”

I lifted his chin, trying to get him to look at me. “Really? Nathan, you have a few bruises still, a couple of scars, a scabby lip, and a couple of drops of yoghurt, but they all look sexy on you. You're the best looking beat up guy I’ve ever seen.”

He smiled as I gave him a gentle hug.

“You have a way with words.”

“I do?”

“No, but I’m sure you mean well.”

“I do, and I’ve just realised what I miss the most about you. Your butt cheeks; I like the way they wobble when you walk.”

“They do not wobble.”

“Hate to break it to you. You just can’t see them. But they’re cute, and I like them. I like every part of you, even the gross bits.” Nathan was already looking confused; my next statement would completely baffle him. “I think I love you.”

It sounded so lame; I was expecting him to laugh, or at least make some comment. It was, after all, an odd thing to say to an ex-boyfriend, even if that ex-boyfriend was nearly naked and lying next to me with his head almost in my lap.

‘Did he hear me’?

“Did you hear me?”

“Yes, I heard you.” He lifted his head to look at me.

“I’m serious. I mean it.”

He sat up straight, looking hard into my eyes. “How can you say that? We’re just friends. We’re not even dating.”

“I don’t think it works that way. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t follow any rules.”

“You're not joking, are you?”

“No.”

“You love me?”

I nodded. “I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.”

“You mean; you have feelings for me. Do you even know what love is?”

“I do now.”

“You can’t just show up here and do this.”

“Do what?”

“Say stuff like that.”

“Stuff like what?”

“Like I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Stop it. You know what I mean. This is so fucked up. Is this why you came here—to tell me this?”

“No. Well, maybe. I don’t know for sure. I just wanted to see you, but it’s been playing on my mind.”

“Thanks for letting me know. So what happens now?”

“I haven’t worked that bit out yet. It’s complicated.”

“You're crazy.”

I put my hand on his shoulder. “I know that. But I love you, Nathan. Isn’t that great?”

There was an uncomfortable silence as he backed off a little. He looked deep in thought, and I was starting to think I had jumped the gun.

“Robbie, we’ve talked to each other three times in the last month, and this is the first time we’ve been on our own together. You haven’t even broken up with your Dutch boyfriend yet.”

“He’s Swedish, but only second generation and I’m gonna tell him tomorrow.”

“I DON’T FUCKING CARE! HE’S STILL YOUR BOYFRIEND.”

There was another silence. It was unusual for us. Usually, one of us had something to say. I sat, listening to my breathing. It was just like when I played him at poker. Same place, same players, only this time the stakes were higher, and I had a funny feeling I was going to lose again.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have shouted. No one’s ever said that to me before, and I wasn’t sure if anyone ever would.”

“Well, at least you can tick it off your list now.”

“I’m serious, Robbie. I don’t know what you want me to say.”

There were a few things I wanted him to say, but I wasn’t going to prompt him. It had to be natural, especially the one that mattered the most. I suppose it was wishful thinking on my part. Those things only ever happened in the movies. He wasn’t ready to reciprocate, maybe he would never be ready, but it didn’t matter. My love was unconditional.

“Why don’t you just say you’ll give us another chance? I don’t want anything more than that.”

“You honestly want us to start dating again?”

“Err, yeah. I don’t see any other solution. I mean, I love you.” He stood up and began pacing the room.

“You walked out on me. How can I trust you not to do it again?”

“It was a mistake. I’ve known that for a long time.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“Because I was too scared.”

“Of me?”

“No, well, maybe a little. But also of Don and what people would say.”

“What if I don’t wanna get back with you. Just because I was moaning about being single doesn’t mean you can walk back whenever you want. It doesn’t work that way. I don’t wanna be used like that.”

“I can’t make you do something you don’t wanna do. It’s your decision. If you turn me down, I have to accept that, but I won't stay with Conner. I’ll just have to be single for a while. Who knows, maybe a long while, but I’ll get over it. It’s not gonna be the end of the world for either of us, but at least I won't go through my life regretting never asking you.”

The relief of getting it off my chest was tangible. For the first time in ages, I felt truly happy, and it seemed to be contagious.

“Oh my God, will you stop smiling at me. This is supposed to be serious,” he said, but even as he spoke, the corners of his mouth were curling upwards as he struggled to keep a straight face. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Then, don’t say anything. I’m not asking you to marry me. There’s no contract or buy out clause. You can change your mind at any time. It’s just a high school romance. But you get unlimited hugs and exclusive use of my body to do whatever you want, whenever you want.”

“You could end up regretting those words.”

“I don’t think so.”

“When exactly are you planning to re-start this relationship?”

“Right away.”

“You're serious, aren’t you?”

“Yes, what do I have to do to make you believe me?”

“I don’t know. I suppose you could try kissing me.”

A smile crept onto my face “Can you do that, with your lip all scabby and swollen like a blimp?”

“I don’t know what a blimp is, but it’s probably rude. It was only a suggestion. You don’t have to.”

“No, I want to—if it doesn’t hurt.” I stood up and put my arms around him in a gentle embrace, leaving enough room in front for his two slings. “Wait, will this be cheating on Conner?”

He rolled his eyes. “It’s only a kiss. Think of it as a deposit.”

“A deposit. That’s a good idea. Okay, are you ready?”

He smirked. “Oh, my God. You're such a dork. Just get on with it; will you.”

I couldn’t believe how nervous I was over a simple kiss. It wasn’t as if we hadn’t done it before. I had kissed every square inch of this boy, swapping spit, sweat, and a copious amount of other fluids, yet suddenly I was nervous over a kiss that barely grazed his lips and lasted only a few seconds.

“Do you want me to try again?”

“I think you should,” he said. “I’m not sure we actually made contact.”

‘Cheeky sod’.

Next time, I didn’t hold back pushing my lips against his while I supported the back of his head, but his swelling made it awkward, and when we broke, he looked to be in pain.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?”

“A little,” he said, but he still managed to flash me a smile that lit up the room, before gingerly prodding his damaged lip with the tip of his tongue.

“So does this mean we’re dating again now?”

“I’m not sure if I want that, Robbie. It’s a little sudden, don’t you think? I need time.”

He looked frightened; bereft of his usual confidence and still searching for answers to what must have felt like a million questions darting around inside his head. I couldn’t blame him for being confused. I was too, but by that time, I knew what I wanted, and I was happy to pursue it with everything I could muster.

“No, you don’t. You just have to say yes.”

“It’ll be weird having you as a boyfriend again. What will your family say?”

“Fuck them! I don’t care what they think. And you still haven’t answered my question.”

“I hate you sometimes.”

“I know.”

“You drive me crazy. Do you know that?”

“Yes.”

“Unlimited hugs?”

“Yep, starting as soon as you say yes.”

He sniffed and then came the tears. “There’s no one else in the whole of fucking Cobourg, so I suppose I don’t have a choice.”

I took it as a yes. It wasn’t exactly the reason I was looking for, but it was a start. Beggars can’t be choosers was one of my mom’s favourite expressions, and I was happy to accept whatever Nathan offered for another bite of his cherry.

He wheezed as I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed him against me. I wanted to show him I intended to keep my side of the bargain, and I thought it was essential to get off on the right foot. It would have been a lot better without his broken arms in the way, and his damaged lip prevented access to his mouth, but I managed to pepper his neck with kisses before he started to go blue.

His eyes were wide and filled with more tears. “You make me feel good,” he said. “But I don’t love you. I’m pretty sure I did at some point, but not anymore.”

“That’s okay. Do you think you might be able to love me again in the future?”

“I need to get to know you again first. Get used to you being around, hearing your voice, doing stuff with you, that kind of thing. You’ve already made me cry more times today than any other day in my life. So you're definitely making an impact.”

“I think you will.”

Nathan’s tears soon dried up, and despite his cautious words, I had the feeling it wasn’t going to take him long to adjust. He was already a completely different person from the one I encountered earlier.

“What about sex?” he said.

“Are you sure? Your mom and sister are upstairs.”

“I don’t mean now, you dummy.” He laughed. “Oh my God, what do you take me for? We’ve been dating for less than a minute, and you thought I was going to. Well, whatever. That was funny. What I was going to say was I think we should take it easy, you know not to rush into things. If that’s okay with you?”

“That’s cool; I don’t wanna push you into doing anything. I want you to be fully recovered before we start doing stuff like that.”

He scrunched up his face. “Are you sure? It’ll be months before I’m fully recovered. Can you wait that long?”

“Of course, whatever it takes.”

“Well, I fucking can’t. I haven’t had sex in almost three months; I’m not waiting another three. Give me my phone, I’m calling Ryan!”

“What?”

“I’m joking, dork.” He poked his tongue at me and scoffed.

“You can’t press the buttons anyway.”

“Oh, I can, but I’m not gonna show you.” He winked at me and rubbed his foot against my thigh and I nearly creamed my pants.

It wasn’t perfect, but I was sure things would work out. I got my boyfriend back, and that was the most important thing in the world to me. Everything else would fall into place and anyone who didn’t like it didn’t matter.