The Cockney Canuck - 116. Chapter 116 Reading Between the Lines

“Are you okay?”

I lifted my head from the sink allowing the cold water to run off my face. It was a ridiculous question that didn’t deserve an answer. He could see for himself that I was a long way from being okay. A glance in the mirror confirmed it. I looked exactly how I felt.

Alex stood in the doorway looking more frightened and nervous than I had ever seen him before. His eyes were red and glazed and his face stained with tears. He wiped his cheek with the back of his hand and edged closer.

“I don’t blame you for being upset. Look, I wanna help you.”

I hissed my reply. Each word filled with as much anger as I could muster. “Leave me alone. I don’t need your help!”

I cupped my hands under the running tap and lifted them to my mouth. I could still taste blood, but the feeling had returned. I looked as if I had been in a fight and I would have gladly accepted that over the humiliation that I felt. As I tilted my head towards him, the dizziness returned and with it the sickness. My stomach was tied in knots, but there was nothing left for it to expel.

I hated him. He had betrayed me, hurt me, and embarrassed me more than I had ever been before. Now I was ill again and angry. I couldn’t think straight. I was confused but most of all, ashamed.

Ashamed for not being capable of defending myself when it mattered. He wasn’t that much stronger than me. I should have put up more of a fight, instead of surrendering weakly and allowing him to force himself on me. The fact I was on my knees somehow seemed to make it much worse. He could have killed me, and I would have allowed him to do it.

The only person in the world I hated more than Alex was myself, and if I could have pulled the plug on my own miserable existence at the time, I would have gladly done it without hesitating.

Alex had good reason to be scared. I had made it abundantly clear to him that I didn’t want to do anything. Whatever way he tried to dress it up, the truth was he forced me against my will and hurt me in the process. Even I knew this was a serious offence, which could have far-reaching consequences should it ever come to light. He must have known it too and was doing everything he could to make amends.

“I’m sorry. I really am. I can get you some clean clothes from your drawer if you wanna take a shower. You’ll feel better after.”

“I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE!” I picked up a nailbrush from the sink and threw it at him. It was the only thing I could lay my hands on, but it missed.

“I can understand why you're angry with me. I know it was wrong.”

“I FUCKING HATE YOU!” I screamed into his face and balled my fists ready to hit him, but he didn’t flinch.

“You can hit me. I don’t mind. I deserve it. I won't hit you back.”

I sniffed and wiped my tears. It was like a bad dream where nothing made sense. Now Alex was asking me to punch him, and I think he really wanted me to.

'Will it make him feel better if I hit him’?

For that reason alone, I decided against it. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. It would have made it look less one-sided, and grossly distorted the truth.

Rather than waste what little energy I had on a punch, I sat on the toilet and stared at the floor trying to make sense of a senseless act. I didn’t want to be a victim, and I didn’t think I would be able to tell anyone, especially Don and Sue. I couldn’t bear the thought of them finding out.

‘What would they say? Would they even believe me if I told them’?

As crazy as that sounded, I wasn’t sure if they would.

Alex was still there. He was trying to persuade me to take a shower. Probably to wash away any evidence.

I wanted that as well. I felt horrible, dirty, and stinky. My t-shirt was ripped, and there was blood on my favourite pair of jeans.

“I’ll buy you a new pair, I promise. I’ll get the money somehow.”

It wasn’t the money I was angry about. It was the total disregard of my belongings. Destroyed because they were in the way of something he wanted, that wasn’t even his to take. Something that lasted a couple of minutes.

‘I hope it was worth it. You’ve lost your only friend’!

I wanted a shower but I didn’t want to undress with him in the room, and after a while he got the message, closing the door as he left. I was crying again the second I was on my own. It was times like these when I missed her the most and only three weeks’ shy of the first anniversary.

Thinking about it only made me upset, when I needed to be strong like her. I took a deep breath and stood up with determination, but the dizziness returned in an instant, and the room turned sideways.

I fell into a long, dark vertical tunnel and began tumbling wildly out of control. The further I fell the tighter it became, and the faster I travelled, narrowly avoiding hitting the walls as they flashed past me. Brick gave way to jagged rock, and the wind in my face turned to water slowing my descent. I put my arms out straight and managed to swim around the tight and twisty turns, snaking through tiny gaps barely big enough for me to pass. It was cold and murky, but above me, I could see the sunlight flickering on top of the waves. I kicked my feet to glide to the surface and then floated with the surf to the beach. Mr Jenkins, my old head teacher was waiting for me with my lifesavers medal. He patted me on the back and ushered me off the stage as the audience clapped. In the front row was my mom. She was young and good-looking, the only bright face amid a sea of grey. She held me tight, squeezing me and telling me how proud she was. Mr Andrews was with her. He aimed a tiny flashlight into my eye and told me I was going to be okay.

*     *     *

I was lying awake, watching Lorna as she busied herself around the room. She was pretty and always pristine. When she realised I was awake, she gave me a warm smile and came over to my bed.

“Good morning. I hear you passed out again?”

“I dunno, I can’t remember.”

“But you remember when they brought you in last night don’t you?”

“Yes. Kind of.”

My mind was still cloudy from the day before, but I could recall quite vividly shouting at Alex when I discovered he had called for an ambulance. Then trying to talk the paramedics out of taking me to the hospital. It was all in vain, of course, there was no way they were going to leave without me, and when Sue arrived home, it sealed the deal.

She travelled with me in the ambulance leaving Nicola with the kids and Alex with enough time to clean up the mess and hide any evidence of what happened.

My arrival at the Northumberland hospital with another head injury, livened up a dull Sunday evening at the normally quiet hospital. After admitting to having almost daily dizzy spells and sickness, the duty doctor sent me for a hastily arranged scan. Then sought advice from a consultant neurologist in Toronto.

The results were inconclusive but welcomed as good news by the doctors. There was no further damage and no swelling. My life was not in danger, and there would be no repeat of my last dramatic stay in the hospital.

Then came the bad news. They couldn’t work out what was causing the blackouts and dizzy spells, but it was almost certainly related to my original injury, which for whatever reason hadn’t healed as expected. I could have told them that. It was what I suspected all along.

There were too many worried faces for me to be able to relax, and despite their attempts to reassure me, I got the impression they were holding something back. The neurologist explained my symptoms as being inconsistent with the usual recovery process, and the doctor in Cobourg offered an equally evasive answer.

I could read between the lines. They didn’t know what was wrong, but it was serious enough to keep me in the hospital for more tests and an unspecified observation period.

I knew the doctors would only tell me what they wanted me to believe to make their job easier. They lied to me about my mom when they knew from the beginning she would die. I wasn’t prepared to be deceived again.

Lorna was more concerned with my visible injuries. I had several bruises on my neck, and a black eye all caused by Alex but attributed to my fall.

"How’s your boyfriend? Nathan isn’t it?”

“He’s my ex-boyfriend now.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. He was such a nice boy too.”

“Yes. He was a nice boy at one point.”

She looked concerned. “Oh, sore subject. Did this have anything to do with your fall yesterday?”

“No. Why?”

“Robbie, the marks on your neck weren’t caused by falling over, were they? What happened?”

“I told you, I passed out in the bathroom and hit my head.”

“I know you're keeping something from me.” I thought it was amusing. There was nothing I had which she hadn’t seen in detail. “You know what I mean. Are you sure you weren’t fighting?”

I didn’t want to lie to her. She deserved better, but if I told her the truth she would be obligated to inform the police, and that was where it got scary.

I had already decided to keep it quiet. No one would ever know about this, not ever. It wasn’t a big decision to make; as far as I was concerned, I had no other choice. I was doing it more for myself than out of any misplaced loyalty to Alex. He deserved to be punished for what he did, but if that happened, then I would suffer too. I knew that for sure. I couldn’t live with the stigma or the embarrassment of everyone knowing.

If I told even one person, there was a chance they would tell someone else, and then it would snowball. It was a nightmare just thinking about the consequences. If he denied it, which seemed very likely, then I would have to either back down or testify against him in court. Both of these options would exact a terrible toll on my own already fragile existence and probably finish me off completely. For my own survival, it was imperative this episode was kept quiet. As if it never happened.

Because of this, Alex was safe, although he didn’t know it at the time, and I wasn’t going to tell him. He had taken a risk by calling for an ambulance, so he must have panicked when I collapsed and feared for my safety. It was too little, too late. I was no longer his friend and never wanted to talk to him again.

“How long will I have to stay here?”

“They want to do some more tests this afternoon. It’ll probably be two or three days. Providing everything comes back okay.”

“That’s Thursday. I was supposed to be going out on Wednesday night.”

“You’ll have plenty of time to go out when you're better. Until then, you’ll have to put up with me again I’m afraid.”

I didn’t want to have to cancel my date with Conner or tell him I was ill, although he would probably find out soon enough. Nicola would tell Rory, and he was sure to tell Rebecca.

‘What will he think when he finds out the boy he’s dating is brain damaged’?

Lorna finished her checks and came to stand by my bedside, brushing the hair from my eyes. We had become quite close since our first chaotic meeting in the urgent care facility back in the summer.

“What are we going to do with you?” she said. I tried to smile, but her attention only brought on more tears that I struggled to contain. “Whatever happened to you, won't go away until you tell someone.”

She was right, and I knew it even then, but the alternative was even worse.

After putting so much effort into avoiding it, even I had to admit the hospital was probably the best place for me. At least I was away from the house, and I didn’t have to see Alex.

There was plenty of time to rest, and when she wasn’t attending to other patents, Lorna did her best to keep me entertained. She was good fun, but what I needed more than anything, was a shower.

I still hadn’t been able to wash and felt dirty, yucky, and smelly. My complaints fell on deaf ears and because of the dizzy spells I was confined to bed. It meant having to pee into a bottle, a task that often required Lorna’s assistance. Her familiarity and the need to comply with essential bodily functions made it bearable, at least until she finished her shift. Her male replacement, however, presented another challenge. He was probably in his late twenties and a real charmer. The kind of man I would generally swoon over and stare dreamily at on a bus, but not someone I particularly wanted holding my willy while I tried to pee at an impossible angle.

The alternative was the dreaded catheter. This crude plastic tube inserted into the end of your dick was enough to make any male squirm. The mere suggestion quickly put paid to any complaints.

It was Tuesday afternoon before I was finally permitted to shower. I was feeling much better, but still under observation and not allowed to go unsupervised.

“We can’t get your head wet either so it’s going to be a little difficult,” explained Lorna. “But we’ll make it work. I can get one of the male nurses to help you if you feel more comfortable.” She should have known better.

“I prefer you.”

Lorna was probably the only person in the world who I would have allowed to wash me at that time, but it would have been impossible on my own. I was just happy for the chance to be clean and for Lorna it was just another aspect of her job.

She held the shower house on me to keep my head dry, while I scrubbed myself clean. Then she washed my back and my legs, so I didn’t have to bend over, before carefully cleaning my face with a flannel.

As I slid between crisp, clean, sheets smelling of soap, I could finally relax and prepare myself for a steady stream of visitors. Sue was there, as usual, at the end of her shift, but she only had a to walk down a flight of stairs. Daniel was no surprise either, he visited straight from school with Rory. The one person I wasn’t expecting to see at my bedside was Conner.

We had only been on one date, but after learning of my hospitalisation from his sister, he managed to persuade his mom to drive him into town to visit. He brought with him a huge card and a big teddy bear from the gift store in the reception. It was a little extravagant, but his unexpected presence put a smile on my face and confused the hell out of Sue.

I introduced him merely as a friend and Conner, aware of her ignorance, was polite and charmingly evasive of her questions.

“Do you go to Robbie’s school.”

“No, Mrs Taylor, I live quite a way from here, north of Port Hope.”

“He’s a friend of Fran’s,” I added, but the teddy bear must have given him away, and when she read his card, she would have noticed the big kiss after his name.

She had been on the verge of leaving but infuriatingly decided to hang around, limiting our conversation to medical matters. If anything, I suppose it saved me the job of telling her, and when Conner went to use the washroom, she was quick with her assumption.

“So, is Conner Nathan’s replacement?”

“I’m working on it. He’s nice, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know him that well yet.”

“Then you’ll just have to trust my judgement for once.” I knew it would be asking a lot, and maybe I hadn’t given her reason to be confident, but I was determined not to allow her and Don to poison my relationship like they had done with Nathan.

Sue’s visit that day was frosty but mercifully brief, and Conner and I did get some alone time to discuss things a little more personal. I told him what she said, and he surprised me by leaning over and kissing me firmly on my lips.

“Hope you don’t mind,” he said. “But I’ve wanted to do that since we met.”

I chuckled as I licked my lips and looked around us. “I don’t mind. Of course, I don’t mind. I was kinda wondering if you would want to. Well, you know, whatever.”

“Are you blushing?”

“Yes, of course, I am. But don’t let it stop you. You can do it again if you want.” I was anxious to tell him what he wanted to hear, but also happy when we were interrupted by the duty nurse.

Conner was a good kisser, and perhaps his affection should have been the perfect antidote to the Alex inspired mayhem on Sunday, but it wasn’t as enjoyable as I expected. I was nervous about letting him so close and frightened that he would somehow be able to work out what caused my injuries.

“I have to go,” he said reluctantly. “My mom’s waiting for me in the cafeteria.”

“You could have brought her with you. I wouldn’t have minded.”

“Nah, I wanted to see you alone,” he said coyly. “I wasn’t expecting your mom to be here though.”

“I’ll be out of here in a couple of days, maybe even tomorrow. But I don't think I’ll be allowed out for a while.”

“Can I visit you at your house then?”

“I don’t see why not. If you really wanted to. You can meet my new brother and sisters.”

“New?”

“I’m adopted.”

“Oh yeah, that would be cool,” he said. Then he held my hand and kissed me again. “I suppose a sleepover is out of the question?”

His naughty innuendo made me blush again. I wasn’t expecting him to be so forward so soon. It took me by surprise, and he must have noticed the discomfort on my face as I searched for a reply.

“I don’t think that’ll go down well with my adopted parents from hell.”

“That’s okay, just kidding. I thought I’d throw it out there.” He winked at me, then kissed me goodbye as his phone beeped. “Oops, that’s my chauffeur. I’ll call you later.”

It was nice of him to visit and nice of his mom to drive him. Conner was growing on me and had made his intentions clear. He was exceptionally polite and well-mannered, but underneath was a horny sixteen-year-old boy anxious for another bite at the cherry. I couldn’t blame him for being in a rush.

‘Maybe he knows I’m going to die and wants to get in quick’.

He was sweet and who was I to deny him, but something wasn’t right. Such an invitation would usually have me swinging from the rafters. Instead, I was left feeling a little flat and worried. For the first time since puberty, I was unable to feel any excitement at the thought of sex. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t even want to think about it. Not with Alex still taking up so much of my mind.

*     *     *

Conner’s visit was the only bright spark during an otherwise gloomy three-day stint in the hospital, and on Wednesday, the doctors were satisfied enough to discharge me. The tests revealed nothing out of the ordinary, but I knew I would be back and I think Lorna knew it too. It seemed obvious to me. Whatever the problem was, it was sure to happen again. It was inevitable.

I was only sixteen, but suddenly my future looked bleak. I had been awake for most of the night worrying and spent the first hour of the day crying into Lorna’s shoulder.

I was worried I was going to die. Maybe not that day, but probably before I finished my teens. Before I could get away from Don or get to know Conner the way he wanted.

As far as I was concerned, my life was all but finished. They were wrong to put me into a coma after my accident. They should have allowed me to die and spared me all the stress and pain of the last four months.

When I walked out of the hospital with Sue that afternoon, I felt like a condemned man. The sky was dark and overcast with thick black clouds that threatened to burst at any moment. I couldn’t see even the slightest chink of blue sky behind them, and that was how it felt for me. For the first time in my life, I felt totally and utterly defeated.

As she drove us home, Sue was trying to look for positives. “I spoke to Mr Andrews again earlier today. He wants you to see another counsellor.” I sighed and looked out the window.

“What did you say to him?”

“I said I would talk to you about it. Apparently, she’s a specialist who works for the school district. She’s supposed to be very good, and nothing to do with those religious nuts, Don set you up with.”

‘Religious nuts’?

I was surprised by her terminology but insisted I didn’t want to see any more counsellors.

“Fine, I’ll tell him no then. And do you mind explaining who this Walter is I keep hearing about?”

“He’s a friend of mine.”

“He’s a little old to be your friend, isn’t he? Apparently, he’s retired.”

“I didn’t realise there was an age limit on friends. Does it really matter how old he is?”

“I’m just trying to get to the bottom of what’s going on, Robbie. Stop being so argumentative. The doctor told you not to get worked up.”

I didn’t feel like talking or arguing, but I also knew I wasn’t going to be able to stay calm and relaxed forever. I was already angry at everything and everyone, it wouldn’t be long before I lost it again.

“Walter used to be a social worker. He’s a friend of Mr Andrews. They worked in Toronto together. He’s been trying to help me, that’s all. He’s gay, so he understands what it’s like.”

I could see by her face that Sue found this disturbing. Her knuckles were white as she clenched the steering wheel.

“I don’t think I like the sound of that. How is this man trying to help you?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake! He’s not trying to molest me if that’s what you think! He’s gay, that doesn’t make him a fucking paedophile!”

“I didn’t say that and stop swearing!”

“You implied it!”

She wasn’t concentrating on her driving and had to brake hard. We were thrown forward and caught by our seat belts after narrowly avoiding a collision with the car in front.

“Look what you made me do!” She was red-faced and shaken up. Probably embarrassed because she made a mistake and then tried to blame it on me. I watched her without emotion as she took a deep breath and apologised.

Sue was becoming increasingly jittery. She didn’t look happy lately, and I was beginning to think it was my fault. She wasn’t like this when I first arrived. She used to smile a lot more. Now her face was a permanent scowl, and I nearly made her crash. My presence in the house had affected everyone. Even Amy—the person I could most depend upon for a cheery smile—was starting to look a bit despondent and the one thing that connected everyone and everything was me.

‘Maybe I’m just cursed. Bringing bad luck to everyone I meet’.

The one person I wasn’t looking forward to seeing again was Alex, but he was the first to greet me at the door. I brushed past him and walked briskly to my room, without even a look in his direction, and he kept out of my way for the remainder of the day.

Once again I was kept indoors. This time on the advice of the doctors. The only thing they could prescribe was rest, but the last thing I wanted was to have to spend any more time indoors. I was already feeling like a prisoner, and when I worked it out, I had every reason to feel aggrieved. I waited until the whole family were seated for dinner before revealing my findings.

“If you count up all the days that I’ve had to stay indoors because of my injury, and then add them to a number of days I’ve been grounded. I’ve been locked in this house for almost half of my time here.”

My statement was directed at everyone, inviting replies, but I was staring at Don when I said it, in open defiance. He barely looked up from his meal, perhaps sensing my desperate state of mind. I wanted him to know, I wasn’t going to accept his terms after all. Mr Symmonds was no longer a threat. My biggest enemy was lurking in my brain.

My time was limited. The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became, and this realisation made everything else seem petty by comparison. I was, after all, worrying about things which would likely never affect me.

Sue was speaking to me. She sounded more composed than she was in the car a little earlier, but I wasn’t listening.

“I said, it won't be forever, dear,” she repeated.

“What won't be forever?”

“Having to stay indoors. It’s only until you get better.”

‘But I won't get better’.

I wondered if she really believed what she was saying, or if like me, she suspected otherwise. I knew she probably wouldn’t tell me if she knew it was going to end badly. She would try to pretend everything was going to be okay. But I wanted the truth. If I was going to die, there were things I needed to do.

“Did you know it was Alex’s birthday last week?” asked Sue.

He was sitting across the table next to Nicola, and our eyes met fleetingly before I looked away.

“No,” I said.

“He didn’t tell anyone,” said Don. “So we’re going out for a meal on Saturday to celebrate.” He smiled at Alex who looked embarrassed by the unwanted attention.

“How did you find out then,” asked Daniel. “If he didn’t tell anyone.” He elbowed my arm and chuckled.

‘Maybe Alex did want a birthday after all’.

There was a belated card from Don and Sue on the shelf opposite. His first ever birthday card and they would no doubt buy him a gift as well. I couldn’t begrudge him his only opportunity for a birthday, as long as he didn’t expect anything else from me.

The conversation continued without my participation as I withdrew into my thoughts, trying to make sense of a situation I never expected to find myself in. Only Nicola could see my fear as she stared across the table at me and afterwards followed me to my room.

“What happened at the hospital? And what’s going on with you and Alex?”

“There’s nothing wrong with me apparently. But I know different. I’m not okay, I don’t feel okay. They just won’t tell me.”

“Why?”

“Because they don’t want to scare me. That’s what they do. I’ve seen it before with my mom. They told her she would get better.”

“That was different, Robbie. Your mom had a terminal illness.” Nicola was dismissive; trying to cheer me up and make light of the situation, but I was serious and told her to sit down next to me on the bed.

“I know I’m not well and I know it isn’t going to get better. They can’t fix it.”

“Don’t be silly.”

“Listen to me. You know I nearly died, right?”

“Don’t talk like that.”

“Maybe I wasn’t so lucky after all.”

“You're not gonna die, Robbie.” When she looked at me though, I could see tears in her eyes. She stood up and walked across the room to hide them from me. “I won't let you die,” she said and turned to look at me smiling. Like that was going to make all the difference. Nicola was a formidable character who you wouldn’t want to mess with, but I doubted even she had that kind of influence.

With nothing left to lose, my outlook changed significantly over the next few days. I spent a lot of time sitting in my room alone, shunning efforts by my adopted siblings to cheer me up, and generally feeling sorry for myself.

This time I thought I had good reason to be sad, even if my gloomy outlook wasn’t shared by anyone else in the family. I had money in the bank, which was just sitting there doing nothing. I wouldn’t have access to most of it until I was eighteen, but there was still a tidy sum which I could withdraw straight away, up to five hundred dollars a day.

I made a decision and hatched some crazy plans. If I was going to die young, then I was determined to have some fun while I was still able to, even if it killed me.