The Cockney Canuck - 123. Chapter 123 One Big Horrible Mess

Two hours of positivity and healing was wiped out in a blink of an eye. Almost instantaneously, the stomach cramps returned, and I started to feel sick. It seemed like all of Jo’s hard work was reversed in one sarcastic sentence by the man who I had been almost ready to forgive.

As he stood in my way, waiting for an answer, Sue was quick to defend me.

“Robbie didn’t mean anything bad, leave him alone.”

I felt her hand on my shoulder, but my eyes were fixed on him. The large man in front of me was an unwelcome sight and presented a formidable challenge. For the first time since our initial falling out, he looked aggressive and threatening.

“Well, I’m waiting to hear what your wonderful new counsellor had to say about Mr Symmonds. Come on, Robbie. Share it with us.”

“She said he doesn’t have a penis.”

Don nodded and smiled smugly to himself. Then he turned to mock his wife. “Isn’t that just great? Why am I not surprised? This is the type of person you think will help him. No wonder he’s like he is.”

“It was a joke,” I said.

“I suspect it was, but isn’t she supposed to be finding something wrong with you instead of cracking jokes. Mr Symmonds is a good man.”

“Not everyone thinks so.”

“You don’t like him because he speaks the truth, something it seems you have a lot of difficulty with.”

“Leave him alone, he’s not well.”

“He looks okay to me. What’s wrong this time, Robbie? Did you Fall over again? Had anymore fake dizzy spells? Maybe you should go back to the hospital and rest for a few days or take another week off school.”

“Don’t talk to him like that. You don’t understand,” said Sue.

“I understand, alright. He’s a lying manipulative, troublemaker.”

“NO, I’M NOT!”

“It’s okay, honey, go downstairs.” She pushed me away towards the living room before trying to placate her husband. “You need to calm down, he doesn’t deserve this.”

Don pointed at me. “He’s the one who’s shouting. Can’t you see what he’s doing? He’s using you like he uses everybody. Turning us against each other. He’s been doing it from the day he got here. There’s nothing wrong with him. Ask the doctors. He’s making it all up; playing everyone like a fool to get his own way.”

“Don, listen to yourself. What are you saying?” Sue was trying to remain calm, but doing a poor job of it. Her face was reddened, and her voice strained as she verbally tussled with a man who no longer made any sense.

It was happening all too quickly, and once again, I was unprepared mentally or physically to stand up to him. I wanted to call Jo and ask her to come back. She wouldn’t be far away, and I knew she wouldn’t hesitate if I told her he was threatening me. For reassurance, I felt the phone in my pocket, but I was too scared to take it out.

“Have you ever met this Jo woman?” his question was directed at Sue who was bearing the brunt of his anger and on the brink of tears. I felt sorry for her. She had her faults but deserved better than this from a man who she always defended. “I didn’t think so.”

“Something had to be done,” she said. “Robbie needs help, and you're never here.”

“He needs help alright, but he’s not gonna get it from liberal twats like her. He needs someone who can stand up to him, teach him right from wrong, and how to behave with some common decency. I don’t like the person he’s turned into, throwing himself at every boy who walks through the door.”

“What are you talking about?” said Sue before turning to me. “He’s doesn’t mean it, honey.”

I couldn’t understand why she still felt the need to make excuses for him. I always knew he hated me; it was a relief to finally hear him admit it.

“Yes, he does!” I stared at him, frightened and battling to contain my emotions, but refusing to be intimidated by the man who had sworn in a court of law to look after me.

He growled in frustration and slammed his fist on the counter, making Sue and I jump.

“It was a big mistake bringing you here. You’ve been nothing but trouble for us. I don’t like your seedy lifestyle, and I won't have it my house.”

“STOP IT, DON!”

“NO! Someone has to tell him. You don’t know what he’s been doing. He’s a bad apple!”

“Don’t talk like that to him.”

“Don’t tell me what I can say or can’t say in my own house. Everybody’s so scared of telling the truth nowadays. We’re not allowed to say anything anymore in case it upsets queers like him.”

I smiled. It was the first time I had heard him admit I was gay. Queer was close enough. I saw it as a tiny victory, but Don was seething, annoyed that I had the nerve to find anything funny in what he said. For a man who needed to be in control, he looked increasingly volatile, teetering on the brink of sanity as he paced the kitchen like a caged animal.

There was a temporary lull, which Sue used to try to usher me out of harm's way. “Robbie, dear, please go downstairs and sit with Daniel. I can sort things out here.”

“No, you don’t,” said Don. “There’s gonna be some changes around here. From now on you can sleep in the spare room upstairs. I don’t want you in the basement anymore.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t like what you're doing down there and I don’t want it around Daniel.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said Sue. “He’s done nothing wrong.”

I was baffled as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. “I found these in your desk, recognise them, Robbie?”

“Yes, but they’re not mine. I found them ages ago. I forgot all about them. Why were you going through my stuff?”

Sue looked concerned, but at the same time, a little relieved. Her voice was more controlled as she questioned me. “You haven’t started smoking, have you, dear?”

“No, of course not. I told you, I found them.”

She looked at Don with a sterner expression. “I think we would have noticed if he was smoking. But even so, don’t you think you're overreacting?”

“Don’t be fooled,” said Don. “He knows what’s in there.” He handed the packet to Sue and asked her to look inside, something I never even thought of doing.

Inside were half a dozen or so cigarettes, which she placed on the kitchen counter before reaching into the pack again and removing a tiny clear plastic ziplock bag. Don was watching me, and I was watching Sue as she held it up to the light. The bag was about a third full of white powder. It didn’t look like much, but it was enough to change her tone completely.

“What is it, Robbie?”

“How do I know?”

“I know what it looks like,” she said. “And I wanna know where you got it from.”

“I didn’t know that was in there.”

Don looked sternly down his nose at me. “Come on, Robbie. Why would you keep cigarettes in your drawer if you don’t smoke?”

“Whose are they?” said Sue. “Did someone ask you to look after them?”

I was confused. The obvious suspect was Alex. He was the only person I knew in the house who would use that kind of drug if that’s what it was.

“Well, well, it seems like Robbie’s memory has deserted him yet again, how convenient.”

I was fed up with his sarcasm and smug little innuendos. “I DON’T KNOW WHO THEY BELONG TO, I FOUND THEM IN THE SHED!”

“You got it from Alex, didn’t you?” said Don. “Probably in return for sexual favours.” I tensed up and looked to Sue for help as he walked towards me. “You didn’t know I knew that, did you? That’s been well-covered up.” He spun his massive frame around to confront his wife “You didn’t tell me either.”

“Tell you what?”

“You didn’t tell me Robbie was messing around with Alex. I found out from the police.”

“It’s not what you think, you’ve got it wrong,” I said. “It happened a long time ago.”

“I don’t wanna know the sordid details. You’ve gone too far this time.” He looked dishevelled and weary as he removed his tie and unbuttoned his collar. His face was red and bloated, and his hands were shaking.

Behind Sue, I could see Daniel creeping barefoot into the kitchen. He looked warily at Don and stood next to his mom.

“What’s going on; you're frightening Amy?” Then he noticed the small bag in her hand. “What’s that?”

“None of your business, dear, go back and see to your sister.”

“Is that cocaine?” At last, someone was brave enough to say it, but none of us actually knew for sure.

Despite growing up in an inner-city area where drugs were rife, I had never actually seen any in real life. My knowledge came entirely from TV documentaries and cop shows.

“Maybe,” she said, studying the bag again.

“Cool, can I see?” Daniel reached out, but Sue slapped his wrist and put the bag in her pocket.

“Certainly not,” she said. “It’s an illegal drug. If you find any packets like this, you're to tell me at once, understand?” Then she turned to me. “Have you been taking this? I need to know the truth!”

“NO!”

“He’s lying,” said Don. “Why else would he have it?”

“Is that yours?” said Daniel.

“No, it’s not mine.”

“I found it in his desk,” added Don and I rolled my eyes. “This is what happens when there’s a lack of discipline.” He turned his attention back to Sue, but I was the intended target. “If he gets away with this, then who knows what will happen. How long before Daniel starts using drugs or Amy?”

“Wait a minute,” said Sue. “We don’t even know for certain what it is, let’s not get carried away. I can probably get it tested at the hospital.”

“Or I can take it straight to the police. Do you want me to do that, Robbie?”

“Do whatever you want. All they’ll find is your fingerprints on it. I haven’t touched it.”

I don’t think Don had even considered that and I smiled as he scowled at me before embarking on another fruitless journey to the living room and back.

Sue looked exasperated. “Robbie, don’t make it any worse for yourself, dear. We’re trying to help you.”

“No, you're not. He’s trying to get me arrested for something I didn’t do. That’s not helping me. I’ve never taken cocaine. I thought it was just a pack of cigarettes.”

“That’s nonsense,” said Don. “I know what you’ve been doing. You're not to leave this house until I find out what’s been going on.” He looked at Sue for her approval, and I expected her to wilt and fall into line behind her husband. It was what she always did.

“No,” she said. “I don’t think Robbie’s lying, and he shouldn’t be grounded. I think I would have noticed if he was using drugs. You hardly ever see him, but I’m with him every day. I see people in the hospital who have been taking cocaine, and it’s very noticeable. If you want, I can arrange for him to be tested, but don’t punish him without reason.”

You could have parked a double-decker bus in my open mouth, and I nearly had to pinch myself to make sure I was still awake. It was refreshing to hear him confronted by a voice of reason for a change. I looked at Don anticipating a volley of abuse, but it failed to materialise. I don’t think he actually knew what to say. He was so used to getting his own way, especially when it came to discipline. This was a totally new experience for him.

I revelled in his discomfort with a slightly mocking grin, then stared at Sue, urging her to finish him off.

‘Throw him out for being such a wanker’!

“I don’t believe you’ve been using drugs, but I still need to know how they ended up in your desk,” she said.

“I told you, I found the cigarettes in the shed.”

“Nonsense,” said Don. “When are you ever in the shed?”

“At Thanksgiving,” said Daniel. “We were getting the spare chairs out for you. I was there too. He found a pack of cigarettes on the top shelf behind the old telephone.”

Daniel’s memory was a lot better than mine, but he was right on the money, and I wasted no time in pointing this out to my hapless guardian.

“See. I told you.” I turned to my brother. “He was going to call the old Bill on me.”

Daniel looked confused.

“He means the police, dear,” explained Sue, and he nodded.

Don’s efforts to have me arrested and incarcerated over something I knew nothing about, had backfired leaving him with egg on his face. Daniel’s testimony proved I was telling the truth, and Sue refuted his allegations that I was some kind of a junkie, but all it did was piss him off even more.

He licked his wounds before lashing out at me again. I wasn’t grounded, but he still wanted me out of the basement.

“Daniel will help you move your things upstairs. You’ve proved to everyone you can’t be trusted.”

“Can’t be trusted?” I screwed up my face. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I don’t want you around Daniel.”

“You think I’m gonna hit on him, don’t you?”

“You’ve done it with every other boy.”

“You're sick!”

That was when he snapped. I must have finally pushed him too far. He looked like he was about to erupt as he marched towards me in a rage. I wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but I didn’t hang around to find out either. I took off, running into the living room as he chased me, grabbing at thin air. It was fast and furious, and I was surprised by how quick he was for such a big man. I think if he had caught me, he would have hit me for sure, but after a lap of the ground floor, he came to his senses and stopped, allowing Sue to put her small frame perilously between us.

“You’ve got some nerve calling me sick,” he said, spitting his words into Sue’s face and pointing wildly at me. “After what you’ve been doing.”

Daniel joined his mom; positioning himself in the middle like a human shield as he berated his dad and then me.

“I didn’t do anything!” I said.

“STOP IT, THE BOTH OF YOU,” screeched Sue and everyone stopped talking at the same time.

There was an uneasy silence as Amy ran into the kitchen and stood next to her mom. “STOP FIGHTING!” she said, taking her time to look everyone in the eye.

“It’s okay, dear,” said Sue, and she patted her daughter on the head. “We’re not going to fight anymore ARE WE CHILDREN?”

I looked across the kitchen at a still seething Don before agreeing with Sue.

“Come on,” said Daniel. “Just do what he says. This is crazy.” He took my arm and led me downstairs to the safety of my former bedroom and closed the door.

I sat on my bed and looked at my desk. The drawer was open, and the contents scattered around my computer. He hadn’t even bothered to put anything back.

“Why was he looking through my stuff anyway?”

“I don’t know. It was like that when I got home. I’ve never seen my dad that angry before. You sure know how to get to him.”

“He started it.”

“You're not really doing drugs, are you?”

“No, of course not. I didn’t know that stuff was in there, I swear.”

“I believe you, but I don’t think he does.”

“Even if he does, he won't let on. He wants to make life as difficult as he can for me, for daring to be gay and ruining his dream.”

“Is that what your counsellor said?”

“No, I’ve always known that. Maybe he thinks if he pushes me hard enough, he can turn me straight. That’s what he wants. Sometimes I even think about it myself.”

Daniel sat on the bed next to me scratching a scab on his leg, the result of a recent skateboarding accident.

“I don’t understand.”

“Well, it would be a whole lot easier if I just gave in and started dating girls. He’d leave me alone, and all my problems would disappear. I wouldn’t have to worry about getting beaten up at school or have to move upstairs because he thinks I can’t be trusted not to hit on my own brother. That’s humiliating.”

“I don’t think that; I’ve never thought that. I don’t want you to move out, and I’ll tell him.”

“All you're gonna do is make things worse and turn him against you. It’s pointless. It’s easier to just do as he says and then he’ll leave me alone. Until the next time.”

Daniel sat motionless as I contemplated his dad’s words. It was a preposterous accusation. I had no desire whatsoever to have any kind of sexual contact with the boy who had grown into my brother. Incest was never an option, and the very thought of it creeped me out. It would be like doing something with Nicola. Daniel wasn’t overly pleased with the assumption either. He didn’t need protecting from me.

‘Like he’s just gonna roll over and let me shove it to him one night’.

I was reasonably confident he would be more than capable of keeping me at bay should I ever decide the need to poke his backside was greater than the need to keep my front teeth.

It was all a scam. The next step in my persecution and another blatant attempt to humiliate me for daring to be gay in a house where it simply wasn’t permitted.

Perhaps he was hoping I would make good my threat to top myself and a week earlier that may have been the case, but that was before I met Jo.

"It's just one big horrible mess," said Daniel, before reaching over and putting his arm around me. He wasn’t the hugging type, and it was rare for him to show affection, but I knew what he was doing.

It was a deliberate attempt to prove how comfortable he was around me and distance himself from his dad’s views. He didn’t need to do it, I already knew he wasn’t threatened by me, but I allowed him his awkward moment and enjoyed it for what it was. Proof that despite being nearly thirty years his junior, Daniel was still light years ahead of his dad in terms of maturity.

*     *     *

The spare bedroom was the smallest room in the house. It rather fittingly resembled a prison cell with a small window that overlooked the backyard, a single lumpy bed, and a set of drawers still filled with the previous occupant's clothes. Alex’s brother Luke hated that room, and I could understand why. It was drab, poorly lit and in the heart of girl’s country, sandwiched between the dominant Nicola and precocious Amy. No place for a boy.

Having said that, if I had been offered the same room when I arrived at the beginning of the year, I would have snapped it up in an instant, rather than share with someone I hardly knew.

Now I was used to Daniel and quite enjoyed him being around, even during the rare occasions when we weren’t talking. I could put up with his mess and had grown familiar with his little quirks and nuances, even the ones that annoyed me. We had developed a close bond based on mutual respect and understanding of our individual needs.

I was always complaining about a lack of privacy, but now I didn’t want it. I wasn’t looking forward to sleeping in a room on my own.

“It’s something we’ve been discussing for a while,” said Sue as she helped Daniel, and I move some of my belongings. “But we didn’t have the room with the boys here.”

“So if they find Alex and Luke, they’re coming back here?”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea, do you?” she said.

“Probably not.” I knew Don would never allow us to be in the same house again, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

My adopted father had quietened down and was working in his study, but there was still no sign of Nicola, out on a date with Mr Lube.

I wouldn’t see her until the following morning when I stumbled out of bed and walked into her on my way to the bathroom. She wasn’t used to seeing me upstairs and definitely not in my pyjamas. Apparently, I ruined her morning routine by hogging the bathroom when she needed to do things in front of the mirror. In the end, I was forced to cut short my five-minute shower fearing she would break the door down if I didn’t evacuate.

I never realised how much effort she put into her appearance before going to school. I usually had a pee, brushed my teeth, and sometimes showered. If I had time, I would drag a hairbrush across my unruly mop, but that was about it and all achievable in under half-an-hour. Nicola needed at least three times as long before she could even think about leaving the house. It was a major operation that came close to equalling my ex-boyfriend’s obsessive love affair with the mirror.

I still thought about Nathan more often than I probably should have done and after school, I bumped into him for the second time in as many days. He was on his way to the auditorium, and I was going to see Jo. Our conversation was short but cordial, and he invited me in for a quick preview of the Christmas play they were rehearsing.

“It’s a spoof of Peter Pan,” he said, and I laughed when he told me he was playing Tinker Bell.

“You're a fairy!”

“And you’ve only just figured it out?” He playfully slapped my wrist. “There are some neat special effects, and I get to fly across the stage on wires. I’m gonna steal the show for sure. Wait till you see my costume. Tinker Bell’s a drag queen.”

I was intrigued, and several steamy images popped into my head. I told him I was going to see my counsellor, but I would definitely come to the show the following week. It was scheduled in the evening on the last day of school before the holidays.

“That’s cool, come early and make sure you sit close to the front, so I can see you. You can come backstage after. You look a lot better today,” he said. “I’m glad.” Then he did something totally unexpected. He leaned forward to give me a quick peck on the cheek, before rushing off. “Take care.”

He seemed excited that I was going to the play and without any warning, so was I. A quick glance below confirmed a steadily rising recovery, and I was forced to duck into the nearest washroom to splash cold water on my face. It seemed such a shame to deliberately dampen my mood, but Jo was waiting, and when I dropped my pants, it was already beginning to wilt.

My unexpected erection was the first since Alex and a welcome sensation in the front of my pants, but my relief was tempered with confusion. I wished it could have been triggered by something other than the thought of Nathan dressed as a fairy drag queen.

‘Or was it the kiss on the cheek’?

I considered it proof of how much I still needed counselling, but Jo was amused when I used it as an excuse for showing up late.

“I thought I’d heard everything, but that’s the first time anyone’s ever used a boner as an excuse for being late. I like your style, Robbie. And I can see you're not lying.”

“You can, how?”

“Your zipper’s still open.”

She laughed as I blushed and then turned my back on her to fumble with the delicate fastening. It was all Nathan’s fault.

“You know,” she said. “When I first met you, I was convinced you were shy. It’s good you feel comfortable enough with me now to share these events, and I’m thrilled you got your mojo back, but what about Conner?”

“I’m not gonna tell him.”

“I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t either. What I meant was, why are you able to get a hard-on over your ex and not your current boyfriend?”

“I don’t know, maybe Conner needs to dress up as a fairy?”

As odd as it sounded, I think there was an element of truth in my self-diagnosis and Jo recognised it too.

“Hmm. We haven’t got enough time today to delve into your sexual fantasies. We may need to book a double-session for that one.”

“Not funny.”

“It wasn’t meant to be. So anything else happened that I should know about since we last talked.” She was learning to read my expressions quite well and took her cue with a resigned sigh before reaching for her clipboard. “Okay, so what happened?”

I often wondered how she managed to keep her concentration while listening to people’s problems, but she was always alert and ready to steer me back on track if I strayed off-topic, or talked myself into a dead end. On this occasion, she allowed me to finish before surprising me with her verdict.

“This white powder, you're assuming is coke. Has anyone been able to confirm it, has it been tested?”

“Sue said she was gonna take it to the hospital.”

“I’d be surprised if she did that.” Jo reached for an obligatory stick of gum and scribbled graffiti on her clipboard. “And you definitely had no idea it was in there, right? This is important, Robbie. I’m not gonna tell the cops. I’m not even gonna lecture you about the dangers of taking drugs, but I have to know the truth before I wade in hollering and shouting on your behalf, you understand that?”

“Yes. I swear what I told you is the truth. I’ve never seen that stuff before.”

“So, who put it there? Alex would’ve said something. He would’ve been on your case for sure. What about Nicola?”

“She smokes weed with her friends, but I can’t imagine her using cocaine.”

“Neither can I and remember, it isn’t cheap. So unless Don is super generous with his allowances, or you’ve noticed expensive items disappearing around the house, then it pretty much rules out everyone except you and Don.”

“What?”

“You're the only two with access to any serious cash. And we already know it wasn’t you.”

“You think Don set me up?”

“I’m always suspicious when the person who has the most to gain makes the discovery. I’m guessing if Sue weren’t a nurse, she would probably have gone along with it, and you’d be grounded for a year. A troubled teenager on drugs would sound believable to most people. Good for her, it’s about time she grew some balls and stood up for you.”

“She’s a woman.”

“I know women who have balls.”

“I believe you. But where would Don get cocaine?”

“Sweetie, he’s in advertising. Half of the people he works with are probably doing it.”

“Really?”

“Okay, so that’s a bit of a sweeping statement, which you definitely did not hear from me, but fuck yeah, they’re all on it!”

I laughed. “So what should I do?”

“I think you handled him quite well except for the bit where he chased you. That worries me because it’s kinda borderline. No physical contact and no verbal threat, but there was definitely intention there, which he would deny, of course. He’s not giving us shit to work with, it would’ve been a whole lot easier if he had given you a black eye.”

“Not for me, it wouldn’t. I’m allergic to violence. I break out in cuts and bruises.”

“That’s not funny.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it isn’t, not even a little bit. I suppose the only good thing to come out of this is you now have your own room, which I suspect you’ll make good use of tonight.” She winked at me as she stood up and grabbed her coat.

I knew what she was implying, but I didn’t share her optimism. “I doubt it.”

“Well, it’s a step in the right direction. Think of it as homework and let me know on Monday if you have any success, but please no pictures.”

I cringed at the thought of showing her pictures of me wanking, but accepted my homework assignment with a bashful smile, which amused her.

*     *     *

It was Friday night, so Don wasn’t at home, and the atmosphere was completely different from the previous day. Amy helped me to set up my computer, but there wasn’t room for my desk, so I had to put it on an old cardboard box I found in the basement and use the bed as a chair. It would do, I didn’t expect to be there for very long.

As expected, Nicola wasn’t happy when I explained what happened. She found her dad’s accusations deeply disturbing and wasn’t keen on sharing her bathroom with a boy.

“If you pee on the toilet seat, you're in trouble and don’t even think about jerking off in my shower. I’m gonna time you in there.” Then she turned to me and giggled. “Oh yeah, I forgot.”

It was a mistake telling her about my little problem. It was bad enough having to talk to Jo, but at least with my counsellor, the issue was desensitised and easy to discuss. I was intent on proving Nicola wrong and went to my room to catch up on Jo’s homework, but after an hour spent attempting to get a piece of string to stand on its end, I gave up.

The next morning. I tried again only to be disturbed by a rambunctious Amy who very nearly caught me with my pants down as she ran into my room and launched herself at my bed. It wasn’t going to be as easy as I first thought, and I was forced to postpone my saucy studying until the evening.

That Saturday was spent mostly outside in the cold helping Daniel put up some Christmas lights under the annoying direction of a very critical Nicola. It was one of the jobs vacated by our increasingly invisible father. In-between arguments with our sister, Daniel talked candidly about my forced move.

“It’s strange downstairs at night now. I kinda miss you not being there. I don’t like sleeping on my own.”

He looked so cute when he said that I just had to hug him. In a very brotherly way, of course. Naturally, he pushed me away as I tried to playfully kiss him on the cheek in front of the neighbour.

“I miss sleeping with you too, Daniel.”

“Get off me! I didn’t mean it like that, but seriously, I think it’s really stupid.”

“Good,” I said, and let him go. “Because I’m not into family affairs.”

”It’s okay, I know you would never think of me in that way.”

I grabbed the empty box of lights, and we stood back to admire our shoddy work. “Well, I wouldn’t say never. There are extreme exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, you're right.”

“What do you mean, extreme exceptions?”

“Well, for example. If we were shipwrecked together on a desert island with no food and no other human contact. Then I would probably be tempted to bang you silly before eating you to stay alive. But other than that your ass is safe with me.”

“That’s very reassuring,” he said. “I just gotta remember not to get on a boat with you.”

“That’s right.”

“Or I could always just do you first.” He smiled and walked away, leaving me scratching my head and wondering if Don got the wrong guy.