18 Weeks of Twoey - 56. Week Eight Sunday, October 26, 2014: Letting Go

“For this is hardest of all: to close the open hand out of love...”

Thus Spake Zarathustra - F. Nietzsche

***

“Wish me luck Gary, Tommy's mother is gonna force me to go to her church again this morning.” We had just finished our run.

“Look David, take some advice from me ...for once. It doesn't matter what he says or what he does. It doesn't affect you! You're the strongest guy I know. Just ignore it all and live within your strength. You don't have to prove anything to them. Don't get all hot about them. If you DO ...then all it means is they won!”

Hmmm ...sounds strangely like Putin!

“Gary, when did you get so smart? I must not have been paying attention.”

He smiled and hugged me tight, our sweating bodies crushed together. “NO YOU HAVEN'T! And it's been pissing me off! I know you had all this Twoey shooting shit on your plate, but I think you're finally back, and so I'm happy again. Now keep your head on straight!”

We broke the embrace. I just winked at him ...my rock! I headed home to face the music.

After my shower I put on some killer shirt I got in Syracuse last week and the tightest black jeans I have, with my blue Vans. OK, I’m ready for Mike. I texted Twoey:

< seeya later. can't wait. gotta fight with Tommy's ma now and go to hell, I mean church. >

I then entered the family breakfast arena. Thankfully, it was bacon and eggs. Crisp, overcooked bacon and overcooked scrambled eggs. Edible.

“I don't want to hear any sass from you. You're going to church with us this morning!” It was her opening salvo.

“OK”

That seemed to stun her. I started eating, looked up and smiled at my father and Liz. Went back and ate some more.

“I don't want to ever hear you disrespecting Pastor Johnson either. You behave yourself and watch that smart mouth of yours!” She was on a roll.

“OK”

She had no reply for that. Putin’s battle plan was proving accurate. I chewed some more food and looked up to wink at Tommy. Went back and was just about finished with breakfast, when she threw out, “And you're not to see that evil boy again. Stay away from his house!”

I finished chewing my last bite and looked up to see four people waiting for my response. I smiled to myself, but calmly said, “You’re completely right. I will never venture into the Coulton house.”

She began to say something, when I interrupted. Standing and looking at my Dad I asked, “Isn't it time we leave?” I totally ignored her after that.

In church, we always sit in the same pew. Liz enters first, then Dad, Tommy’s mother, me and Tommy, in that order. We don’t take up the entire pew, there’s an aisle space left. Usually it stays vacant, but on occasion a late-comer will snag it. Today, no sooner than we settled, I saw Josiah Fucking Coulton begin to slide in on the end next to Tommy. He caught my eye before he sat down.

I’m sure the realization he was not going to make it home alive made the fucker slide right out and back a few rows to sit with his own family, as he usually does. I’d have sworn I heard Tommy’s mother mutter under her breath when he retreated. Are they trying to surround me now? Maybe I’ll need to kill Coulton after all, just to even the odds.

I knew Enos was gonna try to stir up shit, so I quickly went into meditation and closed the whole church right out. I’m getting real good at this. The prancing and amenning going on around me makes a perfect white noise for meditation. I needed to come to grips with the Mike-Twoey-Me dynamic in our meeting this afternoon anyway. I had previously worked out what I knew I had to do, but during the ChuckyChurch service I was able to make a few decisions on how I would interact with Mike. I realized it would be important to exert some dominance over him.

I was brought back to consciousness with the usual two pinches from Tommy's mother. I slid out of the pew and, of course, there he was. “So what did you think about the sermon today, David?” This time, I thought about what and how I was going to reply, as I walked toward the exit with him.

Looking him right in the eyes I calmly stated, “Sorry sir, I'm sure it was enlightening, but I think I missed it.” He did not respond as I turned and walked, slowly this time, to the car.

Tommy was up with me in about one second. “Sweet brother! I see you switch hit. I’m proud of ya.”

I looked over, winked and we smiled. I love my brother. Let them stew on it for a while. I’m sure there’ll be some David-Phase-2 in the works pretty soon. I think I had been getting too predictable. Putin’s right. I need to keep them off balance.

“By the way, I saw you stare-off that guy from sitting next to me. What gives?”

“Whatever you do Tommy, stay away from him. He’s the new disease who moved into Danny’s house. I sorta threatened to kill him if he ever gets near our house, and that includes you. Let me know right away if he tries to make any contact with you at all!”

“Don’t worry, he’s too creepy for me anyway.”

“Yeah, a perfect description of him Tommy.”

So this was it! HIGH NOON.

I escaped through my secret back passage and was on my way to Twoey's with an envelope in my hand. I had worked on my hair for a half hour trying to make it manageable. I didn't want Mike to have any reason to dislike me. The only two important tasks, and I had to keep them firmly in mind, were to make sure Twoey and Mike reconnected and to make sure Mike saw me as no threat to his friendship with Twoey. Nothing else mattered. Everything else could be fixed later, but this was going to be my one and only shot at Mike, personally!

I had to succeed today!

Ginny let me in, showing me half a smile. I think she knew the importance of what was about to happen. In fact, I know she did! Kissing my cheek and hugging me, she asked if I was OK. I told her I'd let her know a little later. We both had a nervous chuckle. I went up to Twoey's room.

He was in his chair and this blond kid, wearing a preppy button-down shirt, khakis and naked topsiders was sitting on his bed. I met his eyes, and then turned to Twoey as Mike stood up.

Twoey was wearing sweats and a loose basketball top. His wound was now covered by a small patch of gauze and tape. He really looked great. He had good color and his killer looks back. “Boy am I glad you're home! I hated that hospital. Now I can bop over to see you any time I want! So when are you gonna join Gary and me for our morning run?”

As Twoey smiled, I turned to the kid and said, “You must be Mike!” I put a big smile on my face and stepped up to him bumping fists, but also holding his shoulder for a few seconds. I was focusing on his eyes wanting him to realize how sincere I was. “I'm David, this idiot seems to think I'm good enough to be his friend. You know, you don't look anything like your twin here.” I think it broke some of the ice I had sensed between us.

He beamed and said, “Great to meet you David, Twoey told me a lot about you.”

I feigned a shocked look and said, “Oh no! I thought you might be my friend too!” It chipped away a tiny bit more ice, as all three of us now chuckled.

I took half a step back and opened the envelope, slipping the half-dollar out. As Mike's eyes grew wide, I glanced over at Twoey, who suddenly got a sad look on his face. I turned back toward Mike, making my gaze be as steely and hard as I possibly could. I put the dollar in the palm of my hand and pressed it firmly into his left pec, holding it there, over his heart. I focused on his eyes like I had laser vision and firmly spoke to him, but in a half whisper.

“This is yours. It’s the bond between best friends since birth. I don't know what caused you to turn your back on Twoey, but if you ever have a problem with your best friend again, think with the heart this dollar is over and not your head. Your head can get fucked up, your heart never will. EVER.” I pressed it even harder into his firm chest, never softening my gaze as I let it go.

His eyes were filling up! He whispered, “Thank you.”

Then I turned and walked the couple steps to Twoey, who still had a sad look on his face and tear-filled eyes. I reached into the envelope and slipped out a brand new dollar bill. I tore it and gave him half.

“The dollar I returned to Mike showed the love between two brothers. It belongs to Mike, your brother, not to me. This is the dollar of my friendship. I hope you'll accept it from me. I will always be your friend. Always.” As he took the dollar and as he was about to say something I bent over and gave him a gentle kiss on his lips. And then I said, “Now you guys need the day to get to know each other again.” I walked out of the room while they were both calling to me to stay.

I walked over and hugged Ginny. “To answer your earlier question, I'm OK. We're all OK.” Then I kissed her on the cheek and left, virtually floating toward home. I think I pulled it off!

Instead of going home, I chose walking down to my lake. The air was a little chilly but there was no wind. The sun was out and it warmed me, as I sat on a bench. Reflecting the deep late October sky, my lake was particularly blue today. I wanted to reflect too, not the sky, but on the boy I love. Before I could even begin thinking, the freshman who gave me directions to the weight room walked by. He waved and I returned his wave. I knew he looked familiar. I think I’ve seen him down here a couple of times. He kept walking over past where the park ends and some big trees grow right on the water’s edge. It’s where I lost sight of him.

As I reflected, something became pretty obvious. However I proceed, my love for the green eyed wizard, who so easily casts his spell over me, was never going away. It needs to be considered however I go forward. He’s a gay boy who needs a boyfriend. I love him, but can I be his boyfriend?

Not really. I’m not gay. Maybe Dr. Keating will have an answer, but I’m smart and can surely use my own logic on this problem. I worked on my dilemma on and off for a few hours. The ‘off’ times were reserved for absorbing the beauty of my lake. It feels like I was born in its waters and crawled out onto the land. I should probably return to its embrace, when my time on land is ended. This lake, bounded by its beautiful hills, is essentially me, bounded by my walls, damned to loneliness. Will I end up like Danny, forever lonely?

I spoke out loud.

“Danny, you’ve come back to haunt me again, haven’t you? You won’t ever release your hold. I understand now.”

When I contemplated my quandary, I tried to follow a logical ladder, like a series of if-then statements. I’ll still be interested to see how Dr. Keating approaches it, but my logic went something like this. If I love Twoey, I want only the best for him. At our age and with our hormones, only a physical relationship will make us happy. Only a gay boy can enter into a physical relationship with another gay boy. Since I’m not a gay boy, I cannot make Twoey happy. Therefore if I truly love Twoey, I must let him go, to become the boyfriend of someone else. QED

I spoke again.

“Don’t worry Danny! I won’t steal your boyfriend from you. I’m letting go!”

I will retreat behind my walls. I will return to my lake.

Twoey’s not going to like my decision.

I don’t like my decision.

Sometimes though, the right thing is not the thing you want. It’s the way life happens, I guess. I won’t do anything right away. I owe it to Dr. Keating to find out what he thinks, but how else can it possibly conclude?

I returned home a little saddened, but also a little contented. I skipped the inedible meal with my family, went directly to my room, tidied up homework, read a little for English, and was ready for bed and sleep. As I slipped under the sheets, my phone chirped. Twoey.

“My best friend Mike just left to go back to Syracuse on the late bus. Thank you David, you magically fixed our connection with one short but beautiful visit. My Angel saved me again. Go to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow. I love you.”

He hung up. I said, “I love you too” ...to the empty air. I heard it echo off my walls.

Twoey

Mike arrived at about 10 this morning. Mom made us a brunch of eggs Benedict. I'd like to say we had a warm reunion, but we didn't, at least not at first. It was really very stiff and uncomfortable. After we finished eating we went up to my room. He sat on my bed, so I took the chair. I didn't want Mike to think I would contaminate him with my gayness.

He looked at me and started to apologize again, but I just held up my hand. “Your letter said it all. You can't improve on it.”

Then he got this strange look on his face and said, “Tell me all about this David dude. Is he your boyfriend?”

I chuckled and said, “No, unfortunately not. He's straight. But he is a very special person. You'll meet him today and you'll see for yourself. That is if you’ll let go of whatever it is which seems to be bothering you right now.”

He smiled and said, “I guess it's a little bit of jealousy. I know you gave him our dollar, so it means he's special to you, and I feel replaced. So, yeah, it bothers me. I know it's not his fault, but completely my own. So tell me all about him.”

And I did. Everything I could cram into about half an hour, from our electric but subsequently horrible first day, through the fight in the lunchroom, to his devotion to my healing after I was shot. I left out our meetings in heaven and, of course, Derek Jeter. I told him how he was called up to varsity XC and won the final race, beating out the best senior. I told him of his real sport's love, that of baseball. I saved it for last, because it's Mike's sport too. I thought it would end my description on a high note for him. But apparently it was not the high note.

“He beat the shit out of a football player, defending you?”

“Well ...um yeah, I guess he did. He sorta has the back of any of his friends.”

“How big is this dude?”

“Average size.”

Mike sat there trying to digest it all. I continued. “And then, what's really special, is after he got back being suspended from school, he went over to the guy's house and apologized to him and his mother. And now they're good friends!”

Mike was about to say something when we heard talking in the house. “I guess he's here.”

David walked in. OMG talk about beautiful! He had on the skinniest pants, like they were painted on. I started to get hard! He glanced at Mike, who was standing up, but then looked at me and was real animated, even asked me when I was going to run again. Before I could say anything he turned to Mike and introduced himself. I noticed he put his left hand on Mike's shoulder for a bit, like a subtle form of control. My Angel has all the moves! And he made a few jokes to loosen us up.

Then the most amazing series of events began to unfold. He pulled out our dollar and slyly looked at me as I grew disappointed, realizing he was going to let it go and give it back to Mike. As he was turning to Mike, I saw the look on his face turn to ICE, like a Mafia hit man might look. Now I went from disappointment to outright fear! He pushed the dollar hard into Mike's chest and very quietly made the most remarkable little speech just to Mike. I couldn't hear all the words, but I could hear the tone. And the tone said, ‘take this dollar and live up to what it means or I'll kill you.’ There was no doubt in my mind about the message, no matter which words he chose to use.

Mike was actually crying and thanked him!! I was starting to cry too, at the thought of losing this wonderful boy. He turned, hitting me with those gentle blue eyes. He pulled out a stiff, brand new dollar bill, and then tore it in half. He gave me half and actually asked me to accept it!

Like, would I deny him anything at this point?

He said the other was the dollar of brothers but this was the dollar of friendship. I was about to say ‘of course’ and my mind was thinking of more stuff to add when he bent over and gently kissed me, right in front of Mike! Then he left, saying Mike and I needed time to catch up. We both called after him to stay, but he was gone!

I looked at Mike and this huge smile came over his face. “Twoey, you hit the jackpot with that guy! He is a magnetic force. But he kissed you! I thought you said he was straight?”

“He is. At least I think he is. At least he thinks he is. But he also loves me. It’s causing him extreme emotional turmoil. He actually put himself in therapy to sort it out!”

“He put himself in therapy? Because he loves you?”

“Mmm ...yeah.”

“Twoey, never let him go!”

“Mmm ...yeah, I sort of realize that a lot more right now. Hey, what did he tell you, did he threaten you?”

“Ha! ...your boyfriend is one slick dude. He said the most wonderful and loving words about you and me, while staring at me with eyes that said ‘you only get ONE more chance with me’ and made it seem acceptable. That's quite a talent! Now really tell me all about him. Does he know you're gay? He didn't seem to connect our problem with your coming out to me.”

“I never told him what broke us apart, but you see how smart he is, and he won't say it to me, ever, until I actually say the words to him. I’ve given him enough hints. He knows, for sure. I'll tell him outright though, because he's going to be here every day after school tutoring me and bringing me up to date on my studies while my mother teaches him how to cook. Oh, and he's got a crazy mother who he thinks is going to kick him out of his house soon, and that's bothering him too.”

After that ...we actually did catch up. Mom cooked us dinner and asked if David was OK. Mike said he thought David was a remarkable guy. My Mom just smiled. After dinner we talked and talked. It was so nice getting him back! Finally Mom interrupted us and she drove Mike to the bus station so he could catch the last bus back to Syracuse.

I was in bed for the night, but I had to call my Angel. To hear his voice again. To thank him for what he did today.

To say again that I love him.