18 Weeks of Twoey - 49. Week Seven Sunday October 19, 2014: The Day to Remember

“. . . he may not have access

to breathe such vows as lovers use to swear . . .”

R&J - WS

* * *

Not being able to endure this thing hanging over us, after our run I sat down with Gary on his front stoop. Looking down, picking at my running shoes, I said, “You know you're my best friend.”

“Sure.”

“I mean really, really ...like since we were little. I love you as much as Tommy. We don't have any secrets from each other.”

“You know that's true. You are my brother, David. My only brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you.”

“Well, I am keeping a few secrets ...just so you know. But I may also be keeping them from myself, too ...just so you know. That's the real reason I'm in therapy ...just so you know. I’ve got a good feeling this doctor's gonna help straighten me out.”

I laid my hand on his forearm, turned my head to look into his eyes and continued. “And when it happens, I promise you'll be the first to know ...and I mean it because I don't think I could face life without you there next by me.”

I used the phrase ‘next by me’ because it was our own, one that we've used since we were like five.

He smiled and said, “Now I know I have my best friend back. I thought for I while I might have been losing him.” It was a special and emotional moment between us, yet another positive step toward me getting better.

I entered meditation with a positive vibe. I knew I had this Twoey problem, but felt Dr. Keating was going to help me sort it out. So for the first time in a long time, I was able to place it in a box and put it on my mental shelf.

I knew Gary would wait for the solution and remain next by me and so I could take the worry he'd abandon me, like Mike did Twoey, place it in a box and put it on my mental shelf.

My serious problems were now reduced to just a couple. One was knowing what I knew about Twoey and Danny and I didn't know what to do about it. Keeping a secret has its way of grinding on a person. The larger and more important the secret, the more severe the erosion. Keeping a secret is the surest way to destroy yourself from within. I see it all plainly now.

The other problem was the method to end Kathy and me. This relationship is over. I knew it meant some trouble ahead for me. I had promised her brother to help her and I felt, no matter what I did, I was going to hurt him. I didn't know what I could do about it either.

While Nels’s dump her is easy to say, it’s not as easy to accomplish with the extenuating circumstances which shackle me in this relationship. I should say ‘used to shackle.’ It’s broken, terminated, shattered and gone forever, if it even ever was there in the first place. I only need to limit the collateral damage.

I didn't meditate for answers to these two problems, only for the strength to confront them calmly and with fairness to the people involved. I spent some time with Derek Jeter, as I always do when I meditate, to make sure he's still working on Twoey and hasn't discovered any new problems. It’s nearly time to release him -- to let him enjoy his retirement.

I thought maybe I should create a special ‘helper’ for each of my two other problems, but decided to do it in special meditations on each problem separately. I'll start tomorrow with one of them. I spent the rest of the time centering my feelings and becoming calm and true to myself for today's face-to-face with Twoey, which is always a period of emotional stress for me.

The connection between us is so great, no matter what I plan always seems to crumble into ashes once he hits me with those astonishing green eyes. Nobody else appears to be affected as I am. He has reserved a special whammy just for me! Whatever it is, and however he does it, I cannot prevent myself from becoming its victim.

This meant I expected to be surprised today. I always am. Can one expect the unexpected? Is it even a logical phrase? Does it fall into the Russell Paradox Mr. Elcher was talking about this week in math? I don’t think it quite fits, but it’s still a puzzling thought.

As I re-entered consciousness and began thinking of what to wear today, I received a call from Sam.

“You’re not in church, are you?”

“Not going today. Visiting Twoey.”

“You are not gonna believe what I witnessed this morning!”

“When? It’s still morning.”

“Sunrise.”

“OK. Gary and I would have been running. Wait. You were up at sunrise? So what did you witness? You make it sound religious.”

“Ha! Funny you should mention religion. First I gotta tell you a family moved into Danny’s house yesterday. No moving van, but people in pickups kept delivering stuff. Lots of them. It took them until 10 or something to finish. So my room is sorta on that side of my house and something woke me up earlier than I wanted. I looked out the window and there was this crowd on the front lawn of Danny’s house.”

“This is in the dark?”

“Not exactly. The sun’s almost up, so there’s light. Naturally, I grab my binoculars to take a look. Are you sitting down?”

“Yeah.”

“OK. In this crowd is your mother.”

“What?”

“Stay sitting down! There’s a guy I’m guessing to be that pastor you’re always cursing. Not too tall, thin, dyed black hair with funny fakey waves.”

“Johnson.”

“Yep. Well he’s praying or something, so I throw on clothes as fast as I can and slip over there. I think it took me like 2 minutes. I hang back so I can see what’s going on, but I don’t want your mother to notice me. It’s pretty obvious what they’re doing. He’s exorcizing the house for the new people, before they move in. He’s ridding the house of the ‘unclean demons who led that boy astray.’ Those were his exact words.”

“Holy fuck. I wonder who’s moving in?”

“I already know.”

“Who?”

“You know that tall creepy kid with the zits who always dresses in brown long-sleeved shirts?”

“Coulton?”

“The very one. Josiah Fucking Coulton.”

“He’s your new neighbor?”

“Him, his parents and little sister. Until I manage to burn their house down, yeah.”

“Thanks for the news Sam. I’ve gotta run now, but I’ll talk to you later.”

Holy Fuck! Josiah is a junior and I notice him in church on Sundays. Sam was pretty accurate. Visualize creepy in your mind and you pretty much have Josiah. He’ll probably inflict himself on some poor community as the next Enos Johnson one day. Now he lives only one block away? I shuddered.

I always thought people like Josiah lived in a group home somewhere.

I quickly dressed and went down to make breakfast. They had left for church and I was alone. It occurred to me that I had missed family breakfast without even being asked to be there. Of course she was all distracted with demons this morning. I wonder if she thinks I have a demon? How would she exorcize me from my family? Maybe Tommy's mother's animosity toward me will force me out of here. I felt lonely. Where will I end up? Maybe I’ll be the one living in a group home somewhere.

Anyway, I determined It was a problem for another time. I fried an egg and made some chemical toast to eat before Ginny came to pick me up.

She immediately sensed something was wrong, as I knew she would. I explained things between me and Tommy’s mother were deteriorating. Ginny suggested I bring up this mother issue when I visit Dr. Keating next. I think maybe it's a very good idea.

At the hospital, Ginny went in first again, telling me to wait in the hall. When she came out, she told me to go in. Once again I walked in ...alone ...and approached Twoey. He looked a hell of a lot better than he did last week. The little neck support was gone, he’d gained weight and had much better color. His eyes captured me, as they always do. I stood next to him on his free-hand side and held that hand, tightly, looking at him ...drinking him in ...saying nothing.

“I missed you.”

I jumped! I was shocked to hear his voice! It was a little rougher than the velvety voice he had before, but it was him, without a doubt. “You talk!”

“He walks, he talks, and he’s almost real!” That made me chuckle and smile and squeeze his hand tighter.

“I missed you too.”

“They said for me to talk a little, but my voice gets tired easily.”

I began to feel prickly all over. “Don’t wear it out on me.”

“Sit down and tell me all about your week and don't leave a minute out! I'll rest my voice now, while you tire yours.”

And I did. I sat there to tell him about my whole week. I told him about my cooking lessons and cooking exam with his mother; about my wearing two year old clothes and the effect on the girls; about my trip to Syracuse and my fumbling relationship with Kathy and how I knew it was over, leaving out the gross part; about my meeting with Dr. Keating and spilling my troubles, seemingly puking my worries all over his rug; about my XCountry race and almost beating the senior, who is the star of the team; about the song Hopeless Attraction that Sam played for me, how I framed the lyrics of the last verse next to his dollar on my desk; about how I cried in his mother's arms because of my feelings for him; about how my father made the doctor appointment behind my mother's back, and how I think he loves me now; about skipping English on Wednesday to meditate in the library; about the horse in gym; about the coach making me run in the evening too; about gaining five pounds; about meeting Matty and a baseball buddy at Kory's. Whew! I must have rattled on and on for an hour! I noticed Ginny had returned and was sitting there listening to me too.

I had left out my mother saying not to spend any time with him because I knew it was connected to the shooting and I had to be careful not to go near that subject. I also left out what Sam told me because of the Danny connection. I didn't mention my talk with Gary this morning because, well ...it was really between two best friends forever.

Ginny said, “My, what a pretty full and exciting week you had, David!”

Twoey asked, “How did you convince your father?”

I answered like I did Gary. “You don't want to know.”

“Let's take a walk,” he said as he got out of the bed, grabbed the IV and wheeled it into the bathroom. I followed and shut the door for him. A few minutes later, he emerged and we started walking the halls, just the two of us and the IV.

“I'll probably be going home next weekend and I'm gonna be so happy to get rid of my IV friend here. You know, I've been getting little flashes of memory back, but I can't make sense out of them. You're somehow connected to them.” That surprised me. Then he said, “I can hear your voice warning me. Those were your exact words: Warning. Warning.”

“I don’t remember saying those words to you.” And I didn't.

I reached over to hold his hand. We walked up and down the short set of hallways protected by the fake Quarantined door. We passed the nurse’s station several times. We got a smile from the nurse there too. It felt comfortable walking hand-in-hand with Twoey.

Then he dropped the bombshell.

“The doctors and Mom wouldn't tell me why I'm in the hospital. They only said I had an accident. But Mom said she would tell me today ...and she wants you there. She told me you know what the accident was.”

OMG I really didn't want to be anywhere near for that moment. Ginny never told me! I guess she figured I'd bail on today if I knew, and ...I probably would have!

Well, he broke this nauseating little news item to me just as we got back to his room, so I had a scary feeling it was gonna happen now. I let go of his hand thinking maybe I could make a break for it.

Nah ...but I was terrified! I’m not afraid to admit it. We went in and I sat in the chair. Twoey got into bed, raised the back to be sitting up and, without wasting a minute, he looked at both of us and said, “Spill!”

I looked at Ginny and asked, “Are you certain the doctors said this was OK?”

“Yes, his body is healing, way ahead of the schedule they forecast, and now he should be told.”

Shit. Of all the times for Derek Jeter’s work to be paying off!

Well, I knew she wasn't going to tell him everything everything, so I was interested to see how far she intended to go.

She began. “Your accident was actually a gunshot wound.”

Twoey's eyes widened. Then he interrupted. “The muzzle was huge and it was pointed right at me and I saw the flash, but there was no sound. There should have been a sound! This was part of a memory fragment I've been seeing lately, but I couldn't make sense of it!”

Ginny continued. “The bullet went through your neck, and you were lucky it didn't hit an artery or bone or you'd be dead. It was a large caliber bullet meant to kill a person. It very nearly killed you.”

Stillness and quiet hung in the air. I could see Twoey trying to recall and trying to understand. Then he asked, “Who shot me?”

“Brigadier General McCane.”

Twoey wrinkled his face. “Who? I don't know any generals.”

She looked at me. I guess it was my turn.

“That’s Danny's father.”

“What? Why would Danny's father shoot me?”

Ginny took over. “We don't know.”

OK, so now I knew was how far she was going to go. I could understand and live with it. In fact it would keep any part of Carl McCane's secret just that …and I wouldn't have to break his trust.

Twoey said, “Didn't anybody ask him?”

Ginny looked at me and (gasp) said she was going to leave the two of us alone. No No!!!

I hate you Ginny!

I was going to have to be the one. SHIT.

I DID NOT WANT TO BE THE ONE TO TELL HIM!

SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!

I was trembling all over, then took a deep breath. “He's dead Twoey. He shot himself.”

Twoey's eyes bugged. “That doesn't make any sense. Why would somebody I don't know shoot me and then kill himself?”

“Because Twoey, you know the bullet which miraculously missed everything in your neck? Well it went completely through you and hit Danny.”

“Danny?”

I hate you God!!

It had to be me to deliver the gruesome news. He was suddenly silent and still.

“Danny's dead.”

He said it as a statement, not a question. I lost track of his words.

I lost track of Twoey.

I lost track of time itself.

A new sensation began to engulf me. I perceived it falling over me like an evening fog. I could feel the cool clamminess enter my pores. It filled my lungs with poison as I tried to breathe. I smelled its fetid odor in my nose, tasted its putridity in my mouth. It cramped my gut with a sharp pain. This miasma of realization I had been suppressing for weeks was forcing me now, here today, in this room, with Twoey before me, to face the meaning and impact of the loss of My Danny.

Not being able to hold it in any longer, I got up and went to Twoey, hugging him, crying into his shoulder. I could feel the shudder of sobs as I knew he was doing the same into mine. We remained like that, clutching each other, preventing the other from drowning. It was a long time later when he said he was sorry for making me all wet. I told him I had cried all night and into the morning when I came home that Saturday, receiving the news. I also told him half my tears were for him, because I thought he was dead too.

He then paused for several seconds. His face got animated and he said, “I was! ...I remember everything now.”

I was still hugging him a little when he quietly began to speak. “Danny and I were sort of fooling around. We were both naked and his father came home unexpectedly. We saw him standing in the doorway and then he disappeared. Danny tried to get me out the back door, but when I got in the hall, there he was with the biggest fucking gun I'd ever seen ...and I saw the flash but didn't hear any noise. And then Danny and I were hugging and kissing in a white place. He said he would always love me but I would soon be with someone else, and then he vanished. So I was dead with Danny at that time and in that place. David, it was the same place you found me! You told me I was going to be OK and you were going to watch over me. It’s what made me want to live. You. David. My Angel.”

“You and Danny were kissing?”

“Yes, we had become boyfriends Saturday night.”

Twoey had come out to me!

At first I was too stunned to respond.

The magnitude of Danny’s death had overtaken every emotion inside me. I began to tremble once more. Now I looked into his eyes, which for the moment anyway, did not hypnotize me.

“Twoey, we’re never going to be the same again. I think I’ve been suppressing the fact we’ll be marked by this forever. We’re damaged goods.” I tenderly ran my fingers over his cheek.

And then it happened.

He kissed me and I melted into him and into the kiss. This was unlike any kiss I had ever experienced. This kiss was pure love. I gently broke his kiss and stood back. I got recaptured by those green eyes, which suddenly regained their power over me, reeling me in. I don’t remember how, but I was kissing him again!

This time when I pulled back, my tears erupted. I turned, ran out of the room, past Ginny and down to the cafeteria. More black coffee. I was not going to kiss him ever again, and then I kissed him TWICE!!! ...And I’m telling you, the feeling was not brotherly love. No fucking way was that brotherly love!!!!

My body was shaking all over as I sipped the hot coffee. I could see the ripples in the cup. My tears were flowing too. I was an emotional wreck. The most emotional and biggest wreck that I have ever been! Everything was hitting me at once. Twoey, Danny, the kiss, the exorcism, being thrown out of my home!

After about half an hour I had mostly calmed down, but not completely. I went into the men's room and cleaned up a little. Then, with my head hanging down, I returned to his room. I walked in and directly to the chair and sat down. They both stared at me. I turned to Twoey and asked, “How are you doing?”

He got this incredulous look on his face and asked, “How are you doing?"

I kept a level, steady voice with little emotion and said, “Not well. Not well at all. Now I know you had a big shock this morning, how are you coping?”

“It doesn't seem real. I'm not sure its full weight has hit me yet, but I know it will …and pretty soon. I still can't believe anyone could possess the kind of hatred it took to shoot me, especially the father of one of my friends.”

And then I remembered!

“I remember now! The warning. We were walking to school when you mentioned Danny's trophies and Gary and I were horrified you were in his house! We warned you not to ever go there. Gary and I were there once a few years ago when he came home and that bastard made sure we knew we were not welcome in his house. Danny never was allowed to have any kids visit.”

“You're right! I knew your warning flashback and the muzzle flashback were related.”

Then Ginny said, “David warned you and you still went there? What were you thinking?”

“I guess not with my brain.”

His lunch arrived and Ginny dragged me to the cafeteria! When we got back he was chuckling and asked if I ate a lot! I told him I was afraid I was going to be overweight for tomorrow's weigh-in.

“Do you want me to text Lanni for you?”

Ginny said, “That won't be necessary, David.” She produced Twoey's phone from her purse and gave it to him.

“You understand why I couldn't let you have your phone, don't you? I couldn't let you find out about Danny while you were still fighting for your life.”

Twoey nodded, but he put the phone down on the tray by his bed. He looked at me and said, “The only person I really needed this for is sitting right here.”

I said, “Yea, but she was here every day!” Then he picked up his phone and pretended to throw it at me ...haha. I continued. “I suppose this mean I don't have to set my alarm anymore?”

Twoey goes, “You shithead, it's gonna be worse for you now! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm lonely.”

Ginny said she was going to take a little break and leave us alone!

After she left, Twoey said, “Why don't you come over here and sit on the bed?”

God, those eyes were sooo seductive! But I slowly shook my head. His eyes widened.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Yes! ...You're you. Jesus Twoey, I'm in fucking therapy because of my feelings for you! I can't trust myself to sit there!”

Then those fabulous eyes started to fill up. “Don't you dare do that to me!” I yelled at him, turning my head so I didn't have to watch. I could hear his sobs, as he tried to hold them in.

I snapped, “Stop crying! There's nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with me! Don't you get it?”

“There's not a thing wrong with you David. You are perfect in every way. You’re my Angel.”

That's when I made a big mistake. Fuck! Why do I always make these mistakes around him?

I turned around to looked at him. I saw those beautiful eyes, glassy with tears instead of glowing like they should be. I got up and went over to brush the tears away. Tears that never, ever should besmirch his beautiful face. As my fingers were brushing those tears, his hand was snaking between the nape of my neck and my hair and he reeled me in for a kiss. I did not resist. Nope. I didn't even have that little voice in the back of my head reminding me of my promise to not ever kiss him. Nope. I’m my own worst enemy.

As we broke the kiss, he whispered, “I love you so much...”

It’s when my tears started all over again. I pulled away, returning to the chair, holding my head in my hands and continued crying.

Out of control!!

Why does he always do this to me? What kind of enchantment does he possess?

Wasn’t It the very instant Ginny decided to re-enter? I looked up and she saw my tears and then she looked at Twoey and saw his. I could see the indecision in her eyes of whom to comfort first, when I solved her problem by fleeing from the emotionally charged room saying, “I need to get a cup of coffee. I'll be back!”

I somehow stumbled to the cafeteria and sat there, sipping coffee, my body trembling all over again. As I finished about half the cup, I wrapped my arms around myself and laid my head on the table, thinking how was I ever going to deal with all this? Everything was crushing in on me at once. Twoey, Tommy’s mother, Greg, and now add Danny!

I saw Danny’s face before me. I had driven him from my mind. I had banished the image of my dead friend for weeks. Unexpectedly, he was back. He was back with a vengeance, to haunt me! Now he’s tempting me with his boyfriend! Wednesday seemed sooo far away and I wished I could see Dr. Keating right then!

I was thinking what a mess my brain was. I even saw the pimpled face of Josiah Fucking Coulton as the last thing to remember before drifting off. The next moment, I was feeling someone's hand rub my back. I sat up, startled, and saw it was Ginny. “Oh... I must have fallen asleep. How long have I been...”

“It’s 6:30. Twoey's supper arrived. It’s time to leave.”

“Oh no! Wait, I have to say good-bye!” And I walked as fast as I could to his room.

When I entered, he looked up with a hurt frown on his sweet face. “I thought maybe you didn't want to see me again.”

“No! I fell asleep on the cafeteria table ...I feel so stupid!”

I could see his relief clearly evident.

“I came up to say good night and ...I'm sorry I fell apart. I'm pretty messed up ...as you can see.” I looked down at my shoes. “I can understand if you don't want me around. I don't think I'm really helping you much. It's OK if you'd rather I stay away. You don't need or deserve this. Find a boy who will love you like you deserve, not one that's emotionally out of control. You don't deserve...”

“Stop That! Look at me!”

I slowly looked up.

He continued. “OK, that's better! There is only one boy that I love, and I don't know if I deserve him. I'm sorry I'm causing this ...whatever ...emotional turmoil in you, but I'll wait for you. Remember that: I'll WAIT for you! If it takes forever, I'll wait for you!! Now go home and let my Mom feed you.” He chuckled and he blew me a kiss. Twoey understood I couldn't kiss him. That made me smile ...and blush. I left, but stopped at the door to turn for one long, longing, final look. A rogue tear spilled out and fell off my cheek.

“You OK?” Ginny asked as I got into the car.

“Yes. Confused, concerned ...but OK. And ...he understands. So yes, OK.”

She patted my hand.

“Ginny, can we just pick up a pizza tonight? I'm not able to function right now.”

She laughed and so we did. I kicked back at her place, trying to recover.

“Ginny, I can't wait for my appointment on Wednesday. Danny’s murder is suddenly beginning to sink in, adding to everything else. I’m a wreck.”

“I was wondering why you seemed more worked up today than usual. David, it’s going to affect you. You’ve probably been avoiding coming to grips with it. Danny was particularly close to you?”

“More than I ever knew.”

“Be sure you mention it to Dr. Keating first thing! But honey, it’s a normal progression with the sudden loss of someone so close to you. Come here.”

I went to her and felt love in the warm hug I received. It didn’t answer any of my worries, but it helped me cope a little better.

When I got home, I went to Tommy's room and lightly rapped on his door. “Come in, David.”

“How did you know it was me?” He looked up from his computer and just smiled, patting the chair next to him.

I sat down and he carefully looked me over. “Not such a good day, huh?”

I answered with what is becoming my personal phrase. “You don't want to know.”

“You'd be surprised.”

I looked at him, cocking my head.

He said, “You know I'd never love ya any less, no matter whatcha tell me.”

“What do you think I’ll tell you?”

My brother stood, and so did I. He hugged me tightly. Pulling back, my wise little brother held my shoulders. He looked at me. Tommy stared closely into my eyes.

“It doesn’t matter David. Don’t you get it? It. doesn’t. matter!”

“Thanks. It’s something I think I needed to hear. I love you, brother. Too much!” I returned his hug. “When the doctor helps me figure everything out, I'll take you up on that. I might need your love and support a whole lot right about then. Goodnight and ...thanks.”

I had stripped down to my boxers and was slipping into bed when my phone chirped. Figuring it was Kathy, I wasn’t going to answer, but saw it was Twoey.

I clicked it on and said, “Can't sleep? It's not 4 AM.”

“I needed to hear your voice once more before today was over.”

“Thank you for trying to understand the crazy person you chose to be friends with.”

“Goodnight David. I'm only beginning to understand the beautiful person I fell in love with.”

And he broke the connection, but not the connection between us.

I’m in love with Twoey.

I am in love with Twoey!

I fell to sleep, somehow more peaceful now.

Twoey

What a roller-coaster of a day! I found out Danny is dead, but I sort of already knew it and had accepted it days ago. I found out I was shot. I found out David truly loves me but can't resolve the emotion because he thinks he's straight. I can tell. And, believe it or not, I think he actually might be straight. I don't know how it can be possible, but I'll have to see how his therapist resolves that little paradox.

What I do know is I love him more each day and feel responsible and angry at myself for causing him all this pain! He's such a beautiful soul; he deserves better. He's my Angel!

I’ve got to tell you something. Two of his looks from today are seared into my brain.

The first was right after we cried into each other’s arms when he told me about Danny. The look in his eyes when he said we were damaged goods was terrifying. I simply had to kiss him right then, to let him know I would be there for him. But I think it was a huge mistake on my part. I could see him falling apart, bit by bit, from that moment on. I have hurt the boy I love.

The second was as he stopped in my doorway, right before he left. It was not the same as the bashful smile he gave from the very same spot, only a week ago. This was a pained and hopeless look, punctuated by a teardrop. I am so worried for him. It gnawed at me all evening.

I could not go to sleep without hearing his voice one more time. I debated whether or not to call until I visualized his final, tragic glance appearing before me again.

I called.

It was all I needed, just the voice, to know he's safe ...at least for tonight.

I have this frightening premonition my Angel is not safe.

Not safe at all.