18 Weeks of Twoey - 103. Week Fifteen Friday, December 12, 2014: Sigmund Seagull

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.

- Albert Einstein

***

Randy

I woke up as confused as I was when I fell asleep. What the hell happened with David last night? I mean, after all the talk and plans about Twoey’s problem relationship, he completely opened up to me about actually falling in love with Twoey. There was no other way I could interpret it. Then he made out with me! Not that I’m complaining – he’s been my wet-dream since I first met him.

I felt cheap somehow. I felt like I betrayed someone. But who? Did I betray Alex? Can a boy cheat on a girl by kissing another boy? I didn’t even know if there were rules for this. Did I betray Twoey? But Twoey was not in a relationship with David, he was Erik’s boyfriend. And David was not in a relationship with Twoey, he only loved him. I could not even begin to fathom all that!

Where did that put me? What was I? Was I just a test kiss for David to see if he was gay? Is he even gay? The kiss certainly felt intense enough! Now this was beginning to drive me totally crazy. One thing was certain. I had to come out to Alex today.

I’m not a morning person, but whenever I did get out of the house early, I’d walk to school with Alex. So I was at her house, leaning against the front gate when she came down the porch steps.

“Look who’s up early today!”

“Yeah. I have to tell you something before we get to Marcia’s house.”

“OK.”

“I ...I’m gay Alex.”

She stopped, turned and gave me a sweet little kiss. “I’m glad you finally told me.”

“I know – stupid, huh? I knew you already had it figured out, and I knew it wouldn’t matter to you, but I just had a hard time saying it.”

“Because it’s the first time you said it ...right?”

“Well, yeah. The first time I actually said the words, but I accidentally told David I like boys. Incidentally, that made this easier for me. That, and the fact he threatened to beat me up if I didn’t tell you.”

She looked shocked. “He did?”

“Hehe ...no, of course not. But he did encourage me to come out to you.”

“Yeah, I can see him doing that.”

“Also, all three of us have to meet on Monday, if possible, for a couple hours of serious talk.”

Alex’s eyebrows shot up, then she said, “This is about that Twoey problem, right?”

“Some of it. There’s more complexity though. He doesn’t want to go into it without all three of us together. Try to clear up some time Monday after school, OK?”

“Definitely.”

Alex looked worried. She looked even more worried when David didn’t show up for class today.

Chuck

Another Friday! This is becoming my favorite night of the week. This and a very promising Saturday with my new boyfriend – um, my first boyfriend ...hehe. So, a strange thing happened this morning. Ever since David picked me up off the floor that day, my life has completely turned around. That Jack kid, who used to bully us smaller freshmen, has actually become our friend and even protects us in a way. I say ‘in a way’ because he doesn’t like get in between us and a troublemaker, he just talks to the guy and walks him away from us. He’s done it several times now. Then the bully seems to calm down and get on with his own life. Maybe it’s because Jack is so big and strong. He also seems to be getting tons of bigger muscles. He’s almost becoming jack-off material ...OMG.

Well, what’s happened is the freshman floor has become much more pleasant. With the added confidence David and his gang and, of course Matty, have given me, I’m actually making friends up there. This morning, I was talking to this one new friend about the amazing sophomore who picked me up off the floor and made me eat lunch with him, when I decided they had to meet. So, when he closed his locker, I grabbed Donny’s arm and dragged him downstairs with me to David’s locker. David must have just arrived there himself, because he was trying to balance on his good foot against the neighboring locker while fishing stuff out of his backpack.

I helped prop him up to make it easier while greeting him. Any chance I ever get to touch him is like a little bonus, anyway. He quickly smiled at me and went back to sorting his stuff. When he was finally finished, he swung the backpack on his shoulder as I told him I wanted him to meet a new friend. When I stepped aside, Donny finally looked up from where his eyes were bashfully staring at his shoes and I could see a startled look on both their faces.

David said, “Hey ...didn’t Gary introduce us at the swim meet?”

“Yeah, I remember you David. I’m Donny. You probably don’t remember my name.”

“Oh, I remember you Donny Nelson. You’re a pretty good swimmer.”

“Thanks. I’m amazed you even remembered me.”

Well this certainly made me happy. My friends sorta knew each other, and they seem to like each other. I mean, what’s not to like about David? But it was super he seemed to like Donny too, and a freshman to boot. So I said, “Hey ...we guys ought to get together sometime. How about tomorrow afternoon?”

David frowned. “Sorry Chuck, I’m in Syracuse tomorrow.”

I looked at Donny and said, “Ironic. David was coming back from Syracuse the day he met me at the bus station and changed my life, by showing me I could spend time away from my hick home.” Anyway, we agreed to meet up some other time.

I was a little surprised David wasn’t in math this morning. And then he didn’t show up at lunch either. No one seemed to know why, or where he was. But my attention at lunch turned to Matty ...hehe. I began to devote all my time to anticipating a weekend romp with Matty and Mark and, most especially, with my boyfriend Curt.

Curt! My dick began leaking, just thinking about him!

David

I was amazed that I could even look at Donny without blushing when Chuck gave me that little surprise this morning. But I think I was chill. It was difficult because the morning wank started with a vision of Alex morphing into Twoey morphing into Randy and finally morphing into Donny who, naked again, pushed his cock into mine as I blasted onto the shower wall.

If I thought my conscious mind was confused, I guess that proved my fantasy mind was too!!

Except for seeing Donny in the flesh, if you’ll pardon the expression, I thought the morning was going well. It’s always a pleasant surprise to see Chuck before school and nothing upsetting happened on my walk to school, although I’ll admit I was still a little preoccupied about my talk with Randy last night. I kept thinking about him commenting on my ‘I can’t be gay’ statement. Then these dreams lately have involved Donny. Was I somehow drawn to Donny? I mean, I certainly took note of him when Gary introduced us. Although, it was nothing like the powerful effect Twoey had on me when we first met back in September.

But then I saw him again this morning and he did impress me. At least I got a chance to hear his voice when he talked a little. Again, all these thoughts were swirling around me during the short homeroom period. That’s when it began. It started with a little tremor, almost like a chill. The bell rang to end homeroom, which in our school is like a buzzer. With the buzzing and tremor I began to feel a pressure behind my eyes. I rose from my desk to leave homeroom, but a blinding pain forced me to fall right back down into my seat. For a moment, I was in a fog. I didn’t know where I was. Thankfully, that feeling passed almost immediately. I got up again and headed out into the hall. I could see the front doors of the school and experienced a desperate need to get outside. I hurried to my locker, or as fast as I could with my gimpy leg, and put on my coat. Most of my books were already in my backpack, so I threw it over my shoulder and left the building right away. I couldn’t stay in there for another minute.

I took a deep breath and felt a little better, as the cool, crisp air filled my lungs. I didn’t want to go home and inside again, so I headed for the lake, my lake. It was cool, but the sun felt good on my skin. I don’t know if it was because the walk took more work, with my bum leg, but I even worked up a little sweat. I walked down to the little pavilion area where people picnic, band concerts are given and both Fourth of July and New Year’s Eve fireworks are staged. I wondered if I would still be around to see those fireworks this year. I almost wasn’t because of Burch, and now there was Danny’s ‘time is running out’ warning.

I noticed a gull perched atop one of the light standards at the shore. No one was around, so I decided to speak to him. He was looking at me anyway, probably wondering why I was there and not in school this morning.

“I’m David. Do you have a name?”

He didn’t answer, but turned his head to look the other way. He probably thought by ignoring me – his little problem – I’d go away.

“Surprise, Mr. Gull! I’m still here. Your issues don’t go away by ignoring them. I hope you’re a good listener because this little issue of yours has a long story to tell you. I’m not sure you gulls give yourselves names, so I’ll give you one. Sigmund. Your name is Sigmund Seagull and you are my new therapist. You know, Sigmund, I’m starting quite a collection of therapists. First there was Ginny, who helped me realize I was in love with her son. She also showed me how to cook. She made me understand you didn’t need to follow a strict set of rules; that it was sometimes necessary to improvise. I guess that applies to life too. And then there was Dr. Snowbridge, who turned out to be Ginny in disguise. She taught me that you shouldn’t be too close to a problem if you want to solve it, and so she gave me away to Dr. Keating.

“Dr. Keating showed me that if you confess your sins, you can feel better. I did a lot of emotional vomiting on his rug. I did feel better at the time, but it didn’t last. I guess, with his kind of therapy, you need to visit regularly. And so next week, I’m back in his web. I guess I’ll need to be there for the rest of my life if I want to feel better. Then I found Randy. Randy was a new kind of therapist. First, he was gay. Second, he told me what to do. None of my other therapists ever told me what to do. But Randy also made understand why. Third, he kisses really well. I guess that makes him a little unique in the therapy department. Of course, he only gave me two kisses. Something tells me I’m going to get more of them though.

“And that brings me to you, Sigmund.”

At this point, Sigmund swiveled his head back toward me. I guess he recognized his name.

“You’re a really good listener. I guess it comes with your religion of therapism, or something. Randy pointed out that I always say ‘I can’t be gay.’ Do you know why I say that? Could that other religion, the so-called religion I was exposed to, have had anything to do with it? I know they were full of shit, but is it possible to be indoctrinated, even if you know what they’re feeding you isn’t true? When doing my religiosity research, I stumbled across some article that actually said something like that. That if you keep teaching children something, they will forever believe it, even if only subconsciously. I guess that’s why they like church-school for kids. It seems a long time ago, Catholics couldn’t eat meat on Fridays. It was a big sin or something. So anyway, this article said that even though they can today, that these old people, who were children when they were indoctrinated, still feel guilty if they do it. Many still never eat met on Friday. Is that what happened to me? Is that why I have this barrier, this wall, this road-sign that says, ‘do not trespass – you can’t be gay?’ If that’s the case, how can I ever live with myself? Ever. Am I now defective? Am I a ruined person? Is it time to crumple me up and throw me away? Is that what Danny is telling me? In the end, does Enos Johnson actually win?”

At that point, Sigmund squawked and flew away.

He probably thought I might be gay and decided to stay clear of me. I turned and walked back toward home. Deciding to take the route up Peach Street, I stopped at Danny’s empty house. I wondered why Clotho chose this house to be Josiah Coulton’s base of operations. Will her sister, Lachesis, be the one to determine my fate? I said a quiet prayer for Danny’s troubled soul. Yes, I prayed. I prayed that he be released from the clutches of Thanatos and delivered into the arms of Hypnos so that he could achieve rest and stop haunting me. I walked up and touched the railing of his porch.

Continuing down Peach, I touched the railing of Sam’s house, then walked a few doors down to touch the railing of Nels’s house. On my street, I touched Gary’s railing. I had symbolically united the gang. Would it be for the last time? I didn’t know. What I did realize was my future was now subtly out of my control.

Aunt Sarah wasn’t home so I didn’t need to explain about getting a headache and fleeing from school. I was surprised to see it was nearly noon. I thought about making a sandwich, but decided I needed a warming shower instead. I stood under the hot water for a long time, growing increasingly sad. Sad my life was about to change again. I wondered how many times a life could change before it wasn’t your life anymore. Sad I would probably lose some friends; maybe some close ones. I wondered how a person went about making new friends when he was as old as I was, at fifteen. Sad my family would no longer look at me in the same way. I wondered how foreign I would feel around my brother if he only pretended to like me. Next week, the ship, David, would be sailing into the territorial waters of Terra Incognita.

After the shower, I went to my room and took a long nap. When I woke up, it was 3:00 and found me ready for Demian, chapter 6. I was right, I had to skim through chapter 5 again first, it had been so long.

Well, it took me over an hour and a half to finish chapter 6, only because I needed to re-read sections and think about them. I had to keep from trying to place myself into the novel. I mean, this was written 100 years ago. It couldn’t be about me, except as an example of ideas for me to consider.

It was a little freaky when Sinclair’s painting kept morphing in a way similar to my wanking fantasy this morning. But the real thrust of the chapter, I think, was that Sinclair had outgrown his mentor. He was now further along in his quest for finding who he was, but not far enough to help others. That poor student, Knauer, wanted Sinclair to be his mentor, but Sinclair wasn’t ready for that role, even though he saved Knauer from committing suicide. So, by the end of the chapter, Sinclair had no mentor, was afraid to contact Demian and was truly alone.

All this, of course, got me thinking. I was also sort of on a quest to discover my true self – the self who was hiding behind those walls Danny mentioned. Like Sinclair, did I have to be truly alone to find out who I really was? Danny told me how important that would be for me. Finding out who I was, that is, not being alone. After this Syracuse trip, I knew I would need to visit Danny again. Hopefully, on Sunday.

What would it take for me to become truly alone? Did I need to free myself from my friends? From my family? From my life? Is that why all this was happening to me?

Was that the only way to find out who you really were?