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18 Weeks of Twoey - 110. Week Sixteen Friday, December 19, 2014: To the Junkpile
Gone from sight
Locked away
Gone from thought
Far away
Gone from life
Cast away
- David
***
Twoey
Erik, Mom and I were having breakfast. He’s been extra sweet and caring since I sorta drove him to getting my attention with a slap on Wednesday. You can tell how bad he feels about it, poor guy.
Mom brought something up. “I haven’t seen your friend David around for such a long time! How is he doing?”
“I see him in my math class. He seems to be doing OK. His cast is off and he’s wearing a special boot. I don’t know how long he has to wear it though.”
Erik jumped in.
“He has a girlfriend now and really doesn’t hang around with us much anymore.”
Mom said, “I know, that cute Alex girl. Well, maybe we should invite him and his girlfriend over for dinner one night.”
I was starting to say, “That might be a good...”
But Erik cut me off.
“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea. They’ve been sort of avoiding us. I don’t think they’re comfortable around us.”
Mom was curious now.
“Why? Did something happen between you all?”
“No, nothing like that, but I think they feel funny with us being, y’know ...boyfriends. Other kids are starting to stay away from us too. I guess it’s just something you have to live with when you’re gay in a straight world.”
Mom didn’t seem to buy that at all.
“Oh, I never got that impression from David. I don’t think he can be like that.”
I simply had to defend David.
“No, that can’t possibly be right, even...”
Erik interrupted again. “Well, others are starting to notice us as a couple, so maybe he doesn’t want to get labeled too.”
Then, before we could talk about it anymore, Erik pulled me up and said we had to go. He actually pushed me toward the door. We left for school.
He opened my door (grrr) and pushed me in. When he got in, I wanted to know why he was pushing me around so much. He just smiled, saying if we were going to sit there talking about stuff we couldn’t do anything about, we’d miss out on some kissing time before classes. So he quickly drove us to the lake and we were able to get in about ten minutes of making-out before we headed for school. I guess he knew what he was talking about, but I didn’t like all the shoving.
Today was square-dance day. Nothing went on in any classes. Instead of square-dancing, Erik took me to Timmy’s for latte and a doughnut during seventh period. We returned to school just in time for his match. The high school wrestling match was at home, right after school, so I got to watch Erik and Matty. They’re both on varsity now and they both won their matches. Chuck was present as well, watching with Matty’s cute little brother. I thought we might get together after the match, but Erik had other ideas and moved me out of there quickly, saying we had to get to a special place. We took a ride to a restaurant way south on the lake.
My boyfriend turned it into a very romantic evening.
David
I had visitors pretty regularly, those first few weeks. It helped my mood and allowed me to forget where I was. Slowly, though, my friends came less frequently until the only familiar face I saw was Tommy’s. Eventually, even his visits slowed down, and then they stopped altogether. It’s been over a year now, and every day is the same. I watch television, trying to ignore the senseless laughing and wailing around me. I think I’ll stop eating. What’s the purpose of staying alive if this is all you have to live for? Burch won. I now lived in an asylum.
I awoke, drenched in sweat and the most depressing thoughts which had ever inhabited my mind. I think I preferred those dreams of the fishes. Gingerly getting out of bed, I was plodding across the hall to the bathroom when Tommy came bouncing out of his room.
“Why so sad? It’s the last day of school! We get a full two weeks off this year!”
That did lift my spirits a little. Christmas vacation would start Monday – in reality, it would begin tomorrow.
Sam walked next to me all the way to school. He kept throwing worried glances at me. I knew he wanted me to talk to him, to explain what was going on. How could I possibly explain what even I didn’t know was going on? I decided to try and talk with him over the weekend, after today’s session with Dr. Keating. Maybe this afternoon would bring a breakthrough or something. I sure as shit hoped so.
Well, Friday was a blow-off day at school. I completely forgot from last year. All the tests were on the day before the last day before Christmas vacation. The last day was reserved for square-dancing in the gym. You could be there during gym class or study hall or any class you could get out of. Gary walked into my homeroom with a smug look on his face and a handful of passes. We were basically free every period. I guess it was good having a best friend who ‘knows how the world works.’
I couldn’t square-dance, of course, with my boot. That gave me ample opportunity to watch everyone else. It also gave me the chance to think a bit about my upcoming, final session with Dr. Keating. I sat in the stands and watched my friends march past, a new group each period. One period, I can’t remember which, saw Donny parading in. He smiled and waved. At least that was a fun period to watch. I didn’t see Twoey or Erik show up last period, though. Anyway, I welcomed the end of the day. It was boring just watching everyone else dance. I’d be back there at school for tonight’s swim meet anyway.
When my therapy session began, he asked if I had anything to report about the repressed memories. I was sad to tell him that I hadn’t. I really wanted to see how they would occur and how he would help me if and when they began. Would I suddenly remember everything from my entire childhood, or would I see little flashes, like Burch and the fishes? I never got a chance to ask, though, because of what he hit me with next.
“David, you really should have professionals with much greater experience in repressed memories of sexual abuse help you. We’re lucky there is a clinic on the other side of Syracuse. They have the staff and resources to meet your needs. I had to work very hard to get you a slot there, in such a short time. I think you will be greatly helped.”
“How can I go there for appointments? It’ll take about an hour-and-a-half to drive one-way.”
“Well, you won’t have to commute.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’ll stay there for a few days each week. Maybe more if you need it. Maybe less, depending on how things go. We really can’t predict until you begin to regain those memories.”
“Stay there? Like live there?”
“Yes. It will give you time to work with the professionals and eliminate the day-to-day distractions of school, friends and family.”
“And this will happen, when?”
“I was able to get you scheduled for the Monday after New Years.”
“The day I would normally go back to school.”
“Yes. That’s better because you won’t have to worry about school either. Your mind will be free from the usual disruptions which normally absorb it.”
“Have you talked to my father about this?”
“Yes. He fully agrees and will drive you up that Monday morning.” I’ll bet he will. He’ll dispose of me and bury his sins.
“What should I pack for clothes?”
“Nothing, only what you want to wear when you come home. While you’re there you’ll be dressed in their clothes. Don’t bring any bathroom stuff, it’ll all be provided.”
“Even my razor?”
“Yes. If I remember correctly, someone will shave you, when you need it. It doesn’t look like you shave much yet anyway, right?”
“No. Only every couple of days.”
We spent the rest of the session simply reviewing what we already knew. I think he wanted all that stuff firmly in my mind, as though I could ever forget it. I think I was only half-conscious anyway. My mind was tumbling over this clinic shit. When I had no more questions, and nothing left to add, our session was over, even though it was ten minutes earlier than usual. I think he wanted to dispose of me too. Just before I left, he added one last thing.
“Oh yes. Don’t bring your phone. They won’t let you have it there anyway.”
“My phone? Why not?”
“More distractions. You know, you’ll be texting your friends and not clearing your brain properly. They want you to have time to breathe, mentally.”
When I left his office, I was sort of at a loss. It was like I was punch drunk. The swim meet wasn’t until after six, so I had a couple of hours to kill and Donny wasn’t around because of the meet. I didn’t really want to run into any friends because I needed to think about what just happened to me. I was near the public library, a place I rarely visited anymore. I figured, on the last day of school, the chances of bumping into anyone there was like zero, and I was correct.
I went to the psychology section to see if there was anything related to what Burch did to me. I probably should have done a search on their computer catalog, but I have always really liked the feel of books in my hand. It didn’t take too long for me to discover there was quite a collection devoted to childhood sexual abuse. I didn’t seem to be very unique. There were fewer related to the suppressed memories of it though. At least that’s what I figured, from what I could tell by scanning the tables of contents. I grabbed the most promising four books and decided to look them over at a reading table nearby. This place was really empty today.
I thought I would find the one or two best for me and check them out at the front desk before I left. I could read them over the vacation and be better prepared for whatever was waiting for me at the Syracuse clinic. I split my time between doing my research and doing some thinking. I was really quite alone there, and it was quiet – absolutely perfect for thinking.
So, I realized that David was damaged goods. Burch had robbed me of what everyone else had, memories of their childhood. Those memories contained important lessons we were all supposed to learn at a young age: how to interact with people, how to treat your friends, how to trust friends and share your secrets with the closest of them. I had previously thought I did all that, but now I understood it was impossible to share the parts of me I knew nothing about. I don’t mean the abuse. Serious as it was, it would have been only a small slice of the time that is now unavailable to me. I mean, for example, Greg and Kathy lived across the street and I had a little crush on her. That’s a childhood memory I should have had. It was important! Everyone else had similar memories, but I didn’t.
That was only one little item out of all the things I couldn’t remember. It was the thing Gary remembered and explained to me. Where were all the thousands of other events, the good things, that I can’t remember? Where have those memories gone? So, when I said I was damaged goods, it was more than the abuse, it was my whole young life, hidden from me now. How could I deal with my friends without access to this resource, the very resource they all had? It was at that moment I realized that Burch had really won. He wanted to kill me to silence me, but he had already killed me. Maybe this is what Danny really meant. What difference would it make to discover who I really was, if I was, in fact, only worthless junk?
But, I have to admit, my worst thoughts were about my session today. Dr. Keating called the place, where I would be sent, a special clinic. I was to stay there for ‘a few days.’ It slowly dawned on me what was really going on. My dream, from this morning, came back to me. Was it, in reality, a sneak-peek, offered to me by the Moirai? There are no ‘clinics’ where people stay overnight. That was only a euphemism he was using. He’s sending me to a crazy house – an asylum. I knew it was a mistake to tell him about my helpers. Now he thinks I’m crazy and he’s washing his hands of me. He even cut my session short today. He’s through with me forever. I was the one he couldn’t help. I was the failure who would ruin his record. He’s probably not even going to Europe. I’d never know. Once they got me inside, I’d never get out. This meant I had only two weeks of freedom left. Maybe that’s what Danny was trying to tell me. Everything was beginning to make more sense now. I think I was beginning to connect the dots.
I realized there was no need to check those books out; there would be nothing left for me to understand. I became determined to enjoy myself as much as possible these next two weeks, my last. I noticed it was after six. I left and headed for the school. The swim meet was at six-thirty and I was surprised to discover Matty, Mark and Chuck in the stands. The JV was first, so I went over to sit with them. Chuck pointed out Donny.
“Remember the kid I introduced you to last week? There he is.”
I had to chuckle.
“What?” Chuck asked.
“I’m actually here to support Donny.”
A big smile broke out on his face. “Really? You guys are friends now? Donny never mentioned that to me!” He was almost a little hurt. But I just laughed to lighten the mood. Then he got serious and whispered to me. “See that boy standing to the left of Donny?”
He was pointing out a short, darker very hot looking younger kid.
“That kid’s a freshman?”
“No. He’s a eighth-grader up from the middle school team, just for tonight. He’s racing, not for points, but to gain the experience of high school competition. The coach thinks he’s gonna be our best swimmer in the future.”
“How do you know so much about him?”
Chuck’s face got redder than his hair. His whisper got even lower.
“He’s my boyfriend.”
My eyes must have grown three times as big.
“Really? OMG Chuck, he looks so hot and sexy!”
Chuck got a little louder. “He is! Every inch of his body...”
I pushed my hand over his mouth.
“Shhh! Enough! Don’t say anymore!”
But I gave Chuck a big smile. Jeez ...Just looking at that kid tells me that Chuck’s sex education was miles ahead of mine right now. I guess I was wrong about Matty and Chuck being a couple. Being wrong about relationships seems to be a curse of mine.
After the meet, Donny found me and hustled us out to grab a bite at Kory’s. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast and either had he. He asked me about my session. I told him pretty much everything. It felt so unusual for me to not keep little secrets locked from a friend but, with Donny, it was not at all uncomfortable. However, he did seem surprised about the Syracuse clinic. That told me more than I think I wanted to know. It told me my guess was right. Donny must see me as seriously damaged goods too. I knew, at that moment, my worst fears were true. They were sending me away. Of course my father would agree! I’d be out of his hair too, tossed onto the junkpile. At least Donny tried to sound upbeat. He even proposed we bus up to Syracuse tomorrow.
“Come on David, let’s do it. You don’t have appointments or anything else going on, do you?”
“No.”
“Well, let’s hit the mall for some Christmas shopping. Christmas is next Thursday, you know. The place will be jammed and festive. We’ll spend the whole day; maybe take in a movie if there’s anything good up. Come on, you need a fun day! Let’s do it!”
How could I argue with that? “OK, I’m in. I know there’s a nine o’clock bus that leaves from here. I’ll meet you at the station at quarter to nine.”
He had a big smile on his face as we left Kory’s to head for his house. I was smiling too. Somehow, Donny did that for me. We discovered his parents were out tonight, so I guessed I would have to walk home. In fact, no one was home. We went right to Donny’s room and started kissing. Why not? I only had two weeks left, then I’d be in ‘their clothes’ – a straightjacket or something. Neither of us hesitated and I was surprised how relaxed and easy this was for me to do. I was even more surprised when we interrupted the make-out session to remove some clothes. I took off my boot and laid myself down on his bed. Donny stretched out next to me and we continued to kiss. Finally breaking the kiss, we just lay there, propped up on an arm, gazing into each other’s eyes.
“You’ve never done anything like this before, have you?”
“Not with a boy.”
“How does it feel?”
“With you? Right.”
“Should we take off all our clothes?”
“Well we have done that before, as I remember.”
He giggled.
“Yeah ...well this time I don’t want your cum on my stomach, I want it in it. But only if you’re ready.”
Was I ready?
I’d only had two blowjobs before, both from Alex. Somehow I felt this was going to be a little different. After I nodded my consent, Donny carefully undressed me, being very gentle with my left leg. He started to lick my nipples but I pushed him away.
“What?”
“You have to get naked too! I want to be able touch your body too. You can’t hold out on me!”
We both chuckled, and Donny soon showed me his perfect swimmer’s body. He was wearing one strip less cloth than he was at the meet. Even though he had showered at school, there was still a subtle whiff of chlorine on him that I noticed when I planted a gentle kiss on his shoulder. As he got back to work on my nipples, I alternated between running my hands over his amazing body and falling back to get lost in the excitement that his ministrations were creating in my body.
Donny was good. He had done this before. He made every nerve in me tingle, while never touching my aching bone, which was harder than it had ever been, and was leaking pre-cum all over me.
I gave up touching him. I gave up looking at him. I gave up looking at anything. I was lost and writhing on the bed as his tongue started to explore my inner thighs and then that little strip of land between your balls and ass. He moved to those balls and finally, finally when he licked up the throbbing vein under my shaft, with the point of his tongue no less, I was clutching at his covers and my knuckles must have been white. Then in one swift, unbelievable motion, he swallowed me to my pubes – I was down his throat for fuck’s sake – and he sucked me on his way back up again, licking around the head. As he started back down it was all over! I cried out and pushed into his mouth blowing my loads again and again as my hips thrust up wildly.
I fell back onto his bed, completely drained, both physically and emotionally. All I could think was, “Holy Shit ...was this what a real blowjob was like?” I knew I didn’t have a lot of them to compare that one to, but they couldn’t possibly have gotten much better! At least not and have me live to remember.
After I recovered, I asked if I should repay him, but I felt pretty inadequate. After all, I had never ever given a blowjob before, or even thought about doing it. When I explained all that to Donny, he tried to reassure me.
“Only if you’re certain you want to. Remember, it’s OK to be new at it. I’ll talk you through it. Everyone has to start.” Then he chuckled as he said, “My first attempt was pretty awful, but neither of us knew what the hell we were doing.”
I determined I would actually try this. I was going to do what I wanted to do from now on – sex wise. I wasn’t sure what I was, but I was pretty convinced now that I was not sitting on the straight end of Dr. Keating’s scale.
OMG. What did I just admit to myself? David was not straight.
Donny, very patiently, took me through BJ101. He was gentle and encouraging and it made me try to increase his pleasure. When he finally came and I choked down as much as I could, I apologized. It wasn’t too bad, but just felt different. OK, it was pretty gross, but I remembered how much pleasure I received from his, and so hoped I gave him a little of that in return. He told me I wasn’t nearly as bad as I was imagining, and that I would certainly get better as I learned to read what turned on my partner better.
“Hey, all sex feels good ...don’t get so down on yourself.” Then we both laughed at his little pun.
Kissing was fun as we tasted ourselves from each other’s mouths. I asked Donny if he was gay. He really laughed then.
“Um ...yes. I’d have to admit, having sex with other guys could lead me to that conclusion.”
Then he looked at me.
“Are you gay, David?”
My mind went blank. I can’t be gay. My little ‘guard’ had told my inner self that enough times over the past couple of months.
“I don’t think so. I mean, I haven’t had sex with any guys, so I mean, I don’t think so. But I’m not straight. I realize that now.”
“Have you had sex with any girls?”
“No.”
“Well, let’s try this. The last time you jacked off, who did you fantasize about?”
Shit. But I was gonna be honest with Donny. He was trying to help me.
“Um ...actually, you.”
“Me?”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. I feel kinda honored. David Megal jacked off thinking about me! If it’s any consolation, you were my jack off fantasy this morning.”
“Me?”
“Haha ...If I had a crystal ball, I’d be willing to bet that you were in at least a half-dozen jack off fantasies this morning, all over town …and probably as many more fantasies from girls.”
“You’re giving me crap now!”
“You don’t realize how attractive you are, do you?”
“I’m not! I’m plain vanilla …mousy even.” Then I started to get up and put my clothes back on.
As Donny was dressing, he spoke.
“I want more of this.” Then he kissed me and whispered as he put his mouth to my ear.
“Before Christmas, I want to feel your cum shooting into my ass!”
I think I turned crimson. I certainly felt the heat in my face. I just stared at Donny. A little later I gave him a goodbye kiss and left. As I was walking home I thought about what he had said – a lot. If I did what he wanted, then I would be having real, complete and total sex with a boy. I would have had sex with a boy but never with a girl.
What’s more, I had never even remotely desired to have sex with a girl. As I thought about Donny, the nagging little desire to have sex with him, in the way he wanted, started to break through my mind-guard’s defenses. Where would I land on Dr. Keating’s sliding scale if I actually did what Donny wanted?
What would that make me?
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