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18 Weeks of Twoey - 106. Week Sixteen Monday, December 15, 2014: Confessions
Let me confess that we two must be twain,
Although our undivided loves are one:
So shall those blots that do with me remain
Without thy help by me be borne alone.
In our two loves there is but one respect,
Though in our lives a separable spite,
Which though it alter not love's sole effect,
Yet doth it steal sweet hours from love's delight.
I may not evermore acknowledge thee,
Lest my bewailed guilt should do thee shame,
Nor thou with public kindness honour me,
Unless thou take that honour from thy name:
But do not so; I love thee in such sort
As, thou being mine, mine is thy good report.
Sonnet 36 - WS
***
I woke with thoughts of Donny in my dreams. I won’t filter my brain any longer. If it wants to think of a boy, I’ll let it. If it wants to think of a girl, I’ll let it. If it wants to think of a fucking Egyptian mummy, I’ll let it! It’s a lot nicer dreaming about Donny than Burch or his fishes anyway.
Dad was at breakfast this morning. He has usually already left by the time Tommy and I eat.
“David, I got a call from Grampa last night.”
“How’s he doing? I texted him a couple days ago.”
“He mentioned that. He was asking how you were doing, you know, after being back in school, and all. He figured you would honey-coat your feelings if he asked you directly.”
“Yeah, I probably would have. I don’t want to give him stuff to worry about. so, what did you tell him?”
“If you’re worried I told him anything about what happened at Sam’s, I didn’t. I know how you feel about anyone talking behind your back. I did tell him you were going to have a therapy session Tuesday. I figured that wouldn’t bother you, since he knows you’re in therapy. I think you should call him and tell him about the other stuff though, from your own not-honey-coated words, don’t you?”
“Yeah. Your probably right. I might as well wait until after my session tomorrow. I hope to have a better perspective by then.”
Tommy gave me a smile and rubbed his foot against mine. I had to chuckle to myself about the rub. He hadn’t done that since the woman who I refuse to think about anymore was who I used to think about all the time.
On the walk to school, I slipped myself up next to Gary, who always leads, for some odd reason.
“I thought I saw you across from the bus station on Saturday morning.”
“You did.”
“Did you get picked up by that Caddy?”
“Yep.” Gary was being guarded.
“Gonna tell me who it was? Your dealer?” I knew Gary never touched drugs and he knew I knew.
“Very funny. It was Mel’s father.”
“He rich?”
“He does OK, I guess.”
“So, gonna tell me why you were hanging out with daddy and not his daughter?”
“I was just doing him a little favor. You know, helping him out with some stuff.”
“Trying to stay on his good side?”
Gary smiled. “Well that, and to have him owe me a little. You know how the world works.”
“No. Explain it to me. How does the world work?”
“I think this is another one of those questions you don’t want to know the answer to.”
I threw my arm around his shoulder. “Then I’d better not ask.”
When I got to school, Donny was at my locker to help prop me while I sorted my books and folders.
“You don’t mind, do you?”
I smiled. “I could get used to this real easy!”
He blushed and smiled.
“So, what are you doing after school today?”
“The most difficult thing I’ve ever done. Telling the girl I love that I’m not in love with her, confessing my mental confusion, seeing her hurt and sad, probably getting a well-deserved slap and definitely becoming single. What are you up to?”
“Hehe ...Nothing that heavy. I’ll probably do my homework and wait for you at Kory’s.”
“What?”
“I’ll bring first-aid supplies in case you’re bleeding. If not, you’ll need someone to lick your mental wounds.”
“I’ll probably want to be alone.”
“When you want to be alone is when you should never be alone. I’ll be waiting for you.”
“What if I don’t show up?”
“Then I’ll eat alone. You wouldn’t want me to do that, would you?”
Then he turned and left for the freshman floor as I headed for homeroom. On my way, I noticed Benny and Lanni walking a little ahead of me. He had his arm around her waist. I felt a warm feeling but also a little jealousy. Not jealous like I wanted her, but jealous that I had never felt like they did right then. That feeling of walking down the hall, absorbed in the person you love. I was beginning to doubt I ever would. And that, my friends, was a hopeless feeling.
When third period math rolled around, I got a wink from Twoey as he rushed in at the bell. Chuck passed a note up to me.
What the fuck is going on with Twoey?
I shrugged my shoulders.
On my way to our lunch table, I looked around and spotted Donny sitting at a table with a bunch of freshmen. We made eye contact and he waved. I nodded because both hands were full and then sat down with the gang – minus Twoey, of course. The talk was all about New Year’s Eve. Everyone was trying to make a party happen. I looked around, realizing every person was paired. Even Matty and Chuck, although they weren’t public. Even me, although I knew in a few hours, that wouldn’t be so. Who would I bring to this New Years Eve party? Probably the only person more outcast than me was Cal Jacobs. Maybe I would end up going with Cal. That showed me how fucked-up I was today.
I was working extra hard in the weight room, really forcing myself and working up a big sweat.
“Mad? Upset?” Biggy noticed.
“Yeah.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Nah. I’ll be OK.”
“If you’re sure.”
Biggy is one of the few people who is smart enough to understand when someone needs his space.
After sixth period, I stayed in shorts and tee while walking to the gym. After the class began, I went into the showers and took mine, then got into my street clothes and finished my homework while sitting in the bleachers. Matty came over a few times and Twoey smiled once, when Erik was looking the other way. I noticed he even checked first. I’ve been attempting to live in a ‘no more hate’ atmosphere, but Erik was rapidly slipping into my hate-zone. I fucking hate his guts.
Finally, the dreaded moment arrived. Randy and Alex met up with me at my locker. Donny stopped by too. I introduced him to them as a teammate of Gary’s. Randy gave him a wary look. WTF. Then, as we left him, Donny’s hand gently swiped my butt! WTF!
The walk to Randy’s was filled with small talk. They were clearly afraid to ask and I was certainly afraid to begin. After we arrived, I sat on Randy’s bed. Alex sat next to me and Randy rolled over in his computer chair. I took a deep breath.
“I’m not sure exactly where to begin. I feel false inside. I haven’t been honest with you, Alex. I haven’t been honest with Randy or Gary or really anyone I know. I haven’t even been completely honest with myself. I’m very confused and torn apart inside. If I can’t be true to myself, who can I be true to?”
I leaned over and gave Alex a gentle kiss. “I love you Alex, I really do.” She smiled at me. “I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while, and as much as I’m upset to admit it, I’m not sure I can be in love with you.” She looked baffled.
“Alex, these are the most difficult words I’ve ever had to put together. I am not sure of my sexual orientation. I hope you understand how tough that was for me to say. It is even tougher for me to believe. Thursday, Randy asked me if I were gay. I told him ‘I can’t be gay.’ I didn’t tell him I was gay and I didn’t tell him I wasn’t gay. I said, ‘I can’t be gay.’ He asked why I said it that way. The answer is, I don’t know. I have a therapy session tomorrow, thanks to you and Sam, and I think I need to put that statement right on the table as soon as I get in there.”
She asked, “What does that mean about us?”
“I’m sorry Alex. You don’t deserve this.”
She leaned over to give me a kiss, but I involuntarily shied away. She got a weird look on her face. I held her hands and said, “I know this is a lot to dump on you. Do what you have to, but I want to stay your friend. I really do love you.”
Then she gave me a smile. I continued.
“Well that’s some of what has been ripping me up inside. I’ve really been doing a lot of thinking, worrying and wrestling about it. Until I figure myself out, I guess anyone I know will have to take me or leave me the way I am.” I turned to Alex. “You know, I kissed Randy last Thursday.”
Now Alex had a shocked look on her face. “Randy? Do you love Randy now?”
“No. I’m sorry you had to endure that, Randy. I needed to see what I would feel if I kissed another boy.”
He looked resigned. “I was afraid I was only a test kiss. So what did you feel, kissing a boy.”
Before I could answer, Alex lightly slapped Randy on the shoulder. “You kissed David Thursday and never told me?”
Before he could answer, I interrupted their little friendly banter. “I’m sorry, Randy. I didn’t word that right. I wanted to see how kissing a different boy would affect me.”
Now they both stopped, starring at me wide-eyed. Randy said, “You mean I wasn’t the first boy you kissed?”
“No.”
“You’ve kissed Twoey, haven’t you.” Randy was one sharp cookie.
“Yes.”
“I knew it! I knew it! I was right all along!”
Now Alex looked baffled.
“I could tell in the hospital. You two are in love! I knew it! I knew it!”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. I was too confused to know what to do about him. I still am. He chose Erik over me. I don’t blame him; he couldn’t get embroiled and frustrated with a mixed-up person, no matter what the attraction. I’m only upset it was Erik. I’ve always been mistrustful of Erik.”
Speaking of Erik, I brought Randy up to date on Mike’s suggestion that Erik might be trying to out Twoey to force him to be completely dependent, afraid to ever be alone or without Erik. Randy thought that was very plausible. It also fit in with the isolation of Twoey by shutting off his friends. I told him that Mike was going to invite them to Syracuse Saturday, to evaluate the situation for himself.
“You don’t think Erik is going to allow him to go, do you?”
“Well, that’s up to Mike to try to overcome. He’s got a few ideas on how to do that.”
After a few seconds to let everything sink in, I continued.
“I’m worried if we tried too hard it might push Twoey more into Erik by causing him to defend Erik. But I can’t just do nothing and watch this happen, especially with how I feel for Twoey. I’m going to have to work on something that might help switch on the light in Twoey’s head.”
That’s when Alex stunned me.
“We have to find a way to get Twoey and you back together, together for good.”
“I think I need to tidy my own house before I invite Twoey in. Hopefully, tomorrow’s session will help begin the process. That doesn’t mean I want to back-off on freeing Twoey from Erik though, not one bit.”
After that, we were sort of finished and I looked at Alex, not knowing what she would do or say. She looked at me. “We’d better get going.”
“Going?”
“To my house, for supper.”
“No, I can’t do that Alex.”
Randy spoke up.
“You can eat here. I’ll ask mom. We always have tons of food.”
“No. I can’t do that either.”
They both looked sort of sad as I left, alone, walking toward Kory’s, where I anticipated yet more confusion.
He looked up at me, revealing a worried face. “How was it?”
“I’m single.”
“Damage?”
“Lots.”
“Need to unload?”
“No.”
“You sure?”
I waved the waitress over, ordering a veggie-burger and Monster. Donny raised his eyebrows.
“Order, Donny. It’s on me. My account is fat.”
He ordered a veggie-burger and another Mountain Dew. After she left I looked at him.
“You know, that stuff will kill you.”
“Says the guy who drinks Monster with a veggie-burger. Why not just order diet soda if you want to absurdly fool yourself.”
“Says the guy who drinks Mountain Dew with a veggie-burger.”
“I’m addicted. It started years ago when I met an older kid in the playground. He got me hooked.”
I looked at him. He looked at me.
We both laughed.
“And so, David, where does this put us?”
“Do you mean personally, or being hooked?”
“Both. They’re the same thing to me.”
“I don’t want to lead you on. I’m still confused. Maybe after tomorrow’s therapy I’ll have more clarity. I think we should put everything on the shelf until then.”
Our food arrived. We didn’t say anything as we ate. I felt comfortable with Donny. I hadn’t really felt comfortable with anyone, in that way, since Twoey, in the hospital. In the back of my mind, I knew I still loved Twoey, in that way. I didn’t want to give Donny any false hope, but I also knew I needed him, in a way. I think I needed him for my sanity, which I was slowly beginning to doubt. Donny was a gentle embrace, touching and easing that doubt.
“Do you not want to see me again?”
“No, Donny. I do want to see you again. I just don’t want you to draw any conclusions. Can we be friends?”
“Friends, with benefits?”
“I’ve never experienced benefits before.”
“With boys.”
“With anyone.”
“Oh.” There was a long silence. “Look David, I don’t want to fuck you up, but if you ever want to try-out benefits with a boy, I’m willing to help. No strings attached.”
“Thanks. I’ll need to wait until after therapy to even think about your offer, but thanks. Friend to friend.”
“Friend to friend.”
Again, Donny put his hand over mine, on the table in Kory’s. I didn’t flinch. It felt warm and comforting. Donny’s gentle embrace, touching me once more.
And that’s how we left it, at Kory’s, with his hand over mine.
On my cold walk home, I certainly had a lot to think about. I was growing unsure Dr. Keating could help me. That didn’t mean I had lost my resolve to tell him everything. It’s just that everything had become so much more huge and complex. Even if I tried, could I ever remember the everything I needed to tell him? Would it fit into his fifty-minute hour? Would what I didn’t remember or get a chance to tell him affect how he regarded me? I knew the Burch and fish dreams were important. For sure, I knew disturbing fragments of his dream popping up when Donny pressed his body into mine was significant. But describing that experience would necessitate bringing up the confusion with my sexual orientation, which was sort of an ongoing issue from the previous sessions. Those had been focused on Twoey. That meant I needed to explain the whole Twoey-Randy-Donny sequence which, of course, would involve Alex’s story. Then I realized he didn’t know anything at all about by war with the pig-fucker. He didn’t know anything at all about his attempt to murder me; about my hospitalization. Fuck! I needed six hours just to give him the background to my problems. How could he really help me, even if he wanted to? I had thought things might be cleared up to a reasonable degree when I met with Donny again. Now I knew they were not going to be cleared up. They were not even going to be addressed! So here I was, walking home alone – really alone. No one could help me except for two people. Danny only threatened me with – what? Dr. Keating wouldn’t be able to help at all until he knew everything, which would probably not be in time for Danny’s looming deadline. My mind kept repeating the same thing over and over.
“You’re alone ... you’re alone... you’re alone...”
I felt as cold on the inside as I did on the outside.
Mike
I called Twoey at about 6, figuring he’d be home to eat. His phone went right to voicemail. Fuck! Just like David said. So next, I called their landline. Ginny answered.
“Hi Ginny, this is Mike from Syracuse. Is Twoey there?”
“No he’s not. He and Erik went out for pizza but will probably be back before 9. I’ll have him call you when he returns. Why didn’t you just call his cell?”
“Ginny, nobody can get through to his cell. Not for about a week or more!” She was surprised at hearing that. “Can you have him call me back when he gets home, while you watch, to make sure he does?”
She chuckled and agreed.
At about 9:30 Twoey called.
“Sorry Mike, Erik doesn’t like my phone on while we’re out anywhere. You know, it sometimes interrupts us ...hehe.”
I wondered if Erik turned his phone off too, but I didn’t say that. In fact, I ignored the whole thing, trying to remain upbeat.
“That’s OK. What I wanted to talk to you about was meeting me and Alan at the mall on Saturday. We want to meet this guy who swept you off your feet. He must be a pretty great guy for you to be into him so much! As an extra benefit, Alan and Erik can wander together for a little while and that’ll give you a chance to shop for your boyfriend without him being with you. Just you and me, like old times – It’ll be great!”
“That sounds fantastic. I’ll run it by Erik, and get back to you.”
Jeez ...I hoped this would work. And if the guy turns out to be creepy, Alan and I will just ‘off’ him right on the spot, and bury him out back ...hehe.
End of Part 4
Alex
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Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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