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18 Weeks of Twoey - 108. Week Sixteen Wednesday, December 17, 2014: Turning Points
He that has and a little tiny wit--
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain,--
Must make content with his fortunes fit,
For the rain it raineth every day.
King Lear - WS
***
Last night’s dream was a little upsetting. Surprisingly, it wasn’t about Burch or fish or even Donny. I was sitting out on the grass somewhere. I could only make out that people were walking around me, like in a circle, with me at the center. There was a mist or fog which kept their identity and number mysterious, but I could hear them. I couldn’t make out any words, but from the tone of their voices, I knew they were taunting me.
As the mist slowly cleared, I became aware of Gary and then Nels. I tried to ask them what was wrong, but I couldn’t make myself speak. Then Mel came into view, followed by Lauri. Finally, the last two appeared. I could make out they were Sam and Deena. So my friends and their girlfriends were walking in a circle around me, jeering at me. It was a familiar sing-song-like taunt, little kids use on a playground.
I could feel myself being very sad at that moment in my dream, as I should have been. But then, I saw another figure come into view, approaching this merry-go-round of melancholy. Suddenly, my spirits were buoyed, when I realized it was Tommy. I thought he would certainly break through that ring of rejection to join me and comfort me. But he did not. In fact, he joined the circle, and joined in the jeering.
This increased my fit of depression. I did not know what to do. Then I heard a giggling above me. Looking up, I saw Danny’s sweet smile as he flew, in loops, above me. He motioned for me to follow him. I didn’t know how to do it. I wanted to go with him because he was the only one who wanted me, but he was flying. Sensing my frustration, he lowered a rope. When the end reached me, I saw it had a loop in it and I could only grab it while stretching on my tip-toes. He yelled down to place it around my head, and I did. Then I was pulled up into the air and toward Danny, only being supported by my neck in that noose. And then I woke up.
I’m not stupid. I knew exactly what this dream meant. I also knew my subconscious mind was thinking about this, even though my conscious mind abhorred the thought. And that’s why this dream was so unsettling. Was my mind my enemy now? Then a chill went through my body. When your mind was your enemy, wasn’t that the very definition of crazy?
I ran into the bathroom and hurled. After, while I showered, I realized I could not be with my friends today. I could not be in school today. I went downstairs to see Aunt Sarah. My father was there too. I told them I threw up this morning and couldn’t go to school.
“But don’t you have tests in all your subjects, before the vacation? You shouldn’t miss any tests.”
“No Dad, the tests are all tomorrow. We’re only going to be reviewing today and I can do that just as easily at home.”
“What about your appointment after school?”
“I will definitely meet Dr. Keating today. We’re going to talk about a lot of important stuff. But I want to talk to you, too, after supper tonight. I think we have a lot to talk about. I’m sure you know what I mean.”
“OK David. I think this talk is probably long overdue.”
And so I was home for the seven hours that usually found me in school. I decided to be orderly about it. I studied and reviewed for each subject until about noon. I spent about a half-hour or so with Aunt Sarah, over lunch.
After lunch I decided it would be Danny-time. I entered meditation, naked on my bed. After counting down several times, I mounted the stairway to my healing place. As usual, I took a moment to enjoy the view of that seashore below me with the waves crashing into big offshore rocks. I figured it had to be Oregon, I place I had never visited.
Danny was waiting for me on the sofa. As soon as I sat down, he was in my lap.
“Things are starting to stir up here in your head. Thoughts you have sealed away are beginning to escape from their compartments. Speaking of which, what emotions did you feel in Donny’s room yesterday?”
“Desire and lust. I lost all control for a few minutes. I was sort of embarrassed right after that happened.”
“Did you feel love?”
“I’m not sure. I mean, I like Donny a lot, but I don’t think I even know what love is.”
“Did it feel like you felt with Twoey?”
“No. Not even close.”
“What do you suppose would have happened if that had been Twoey returning those kisses like Donny did?”
“Probably everything we could do, we would have done. The power of the lust I felt toward Donny plus the power of the feelings I feel toward Twoey would have overloaded any barriers we could have put up.”
“OK. But now let’s focus on your abuse. You finally realize what happened to you when you were younger, but your memories are still tightly sealed. You know, you can’t force those boxes open but, eventually, they will open. Pray they open before New Year’s.”
“That’s my deadline, huh?”
“Yes it is. And it’s close.”
“If they don’t open, will I join you?”
“Not necessarily, but you will be at very great risk.”
“Why?”
“Because all the remainder of your hidden feelings are breaking out. Without the ability to remember, all your anger cannot be focused on what it should be focused on. Instead, you will focus on yourself. You will be at war with yourself. That war will produce both emotional and physical casualties – all of them from you. If it gets to be too much to bear, I’ll be here waiting for you. You know I won’t abandon you.”
Then I was instantly awake.
I spent the rest of my time thinking about my upcoming meeting with Dr. Keating. I thought I had the abuse pretty well worked out. I still could not believe how it was not affecting me. It felt like it was something that happened to someone else. Maybe I should mention that to him. Although, the more I thought about it, the more I realized the abuse did, in fact, happen to someone else. Someone I did not even know. It happened the seven year old David. So did that mean when I remembered him, this would affect me differently? That was an interesting thought to have as I dressed and left for my appointment.
There are moments in your life when you know things have changed. I mean, really changed – turning points. You know from that moment on, your life will be different. When I first met Twoey, my life changed – probably forever – but I didn’t know so at the time. Today, though, I had another such moment in Dr. Keating’s office and I knew, at that very moment, my life had changed.
When I entered his office, after I sat down, I explained in great detail what Donny and I had worked out last night. I only referred to him as a friend. Dr. Keating took rapid notes and let me describe what happened starting with the daymare, when my ‘friend’ was on my lap Sunday at the lake, through my reactions to Alex trying to kiss me, the breakup and finally to my ‘friend’ and I realizing that Burch probably rubbed my penis to erection when I was seven. After I finished, Dr. Keating said he was impressed that I was able to work this all out from only the flashbacks of Burch and the fishes.
“Well, I’m not so sure I would have worked it out on my own. The fact my friend could look at it from the outside, gave him a different perspective and that little advantage I didn’t have. He was the one who mentioned suppressed memories and made the connection. By the way, I’ve really been thinking about those dreams and I’m starting to believe maybe Burch was calling my penis a little fish. Once I suggested that to myself, the dreams and my reaction to the fish in them, made so much more sense to me. I still haven’t worked out the friendly barracuda though. The ones who killed Burch in my dream. But I did realize that killing him in the sewer pipe made sense, because he drowned in a toilet.”
“Very interesting. Well, from what your father told me, you certainly could have made contact with Burch as a young child because he accompanied the pastor on his visits with your mother, all those years ago. Your father told me that both you and your sister had complained to him, but not with any specifics. It was then that he removed you from the house whenever they visited, and ultimately prevented them from visiting again.”
“He may have thought he prevented Johnson from visiting, but I had proof Johnson visited often, right up to the end. He was having an affair with my father's wife, and now my father knows it too.”
“Well you can see this is a lot more complicated than the usual abuse we encounter. But your sexual abuse is not complicated. It’s laid out pretty plain and clearly before us. It’s only the extent we don’t yet know. But we need to treat the trauma you are now experiencing.”
Dr. Keating and I talked about all this for quite a large part of today’s session. It was so unusual, because we were discussing it. He was actually participating, although he never volunteered information I had not already talked about. Sometimes he asked for clarification, but the whole thing seemed like an unusual session, anyway. He ended with an even more unusual aspect, where he sort of explained a lot of things to me and warned of what I might experience in the future. I only realized why, when he explained he’d be leaving for Europe in a few days. I really think he was worried about me. Anyway, this is how the session ended:
“David, I would normally not discuss so overtly what we are going to discuss right now. Normally, even when I have a pretty good idea, these things are better left to emerge through your own memory, on your mind’s own timetable. But in your case there are some unusual circumstances. The first one is that you have already, on your own, figured out what most likely had happened, even though your mind has not yet allowed your memory to fill in the details. That, by the way, is still a little startling to me.
“Another circumstance is one of timing. We can only meet Thursday and Friday of this week, then I’m travelling to Europe for the few months or so. Don’t worry, I’ll have something worked out for you. I’ll know for sure by Friday’s session. The point being, we don’t have the luxury of moving at the normal pace.
“So here’s what we have. We are pretty certain you were abused as a boy of about seven years old. We believe one aspect of the abuse happened because this Mr. Burch had access to you when he and the pastor visited often, early in your mother’s growing enchantment with their church. We don’t know how many times this happened, or if it went beyond stimulating you to erection. We do know you may have complained to your mother, but if so, she probably reacted like she did when your sister complained, whom she did not believe and even called a liar and sinner. You also complained to your father, but never told him what had happened. However, he was concerned enough to get you and your brother out of the house when they visited, and eventually made them stop their visits. We can wish all we want that you had told your father specifically what had happened, but we can’t turn back the clock. And don’t forget, you were only seven years old.
“Unless or until you begin to remember, we think this experience has prevented you from admitting, what appear to be, gay feelings. I can’t tell you what your orientation is. Only you can know. But let’s just say this suppressed memory is a barrier, preventing you from fully understanding this nature, whichever it is. Does what I just described make sense to you?”
“Yes. I have to agree and, in a way, it makes my confusion a little less confusing. Everything is simply a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances.”
“Great. Well put, by the way. But now we come to the bad news. There are going to be physical effects from all this. There will likely be some serious reactions as your mind begins to slowly reveal to you what it has so carefully protected you from. I can’t predict what they will be, only warn you against them. Every abuse or suppressed memory of abuse is unique, after all. You may become ill. You may become irritable. You may turn against those trying to understand or help you. You may have panic attacks. I had one patient who would suddenly run from the room, screaming, ending up in her room curled into a ball for some time, until it wore off. Most of the time she was just fine, acting normally. You may try to be alone, to isolate yourself. You may harm yourself, cut yourself, injure yourself or at the very worst, you may lose the will to live. I’m not saying all or any of this will happen, but these are things that have happened to others. What’s worse, you have no person to focus your anger on. Burch is dead. You might instead focus your anger on your friends or even yourself.
“You’re a pretty smart young man who understands what is going on, so I’m hopeful you will recognize the signs if any of these feelings tries to overtake you. But the mind is an unpredictable opponent. That’s why I hope to have things worked out for you by Friday, so you will have someone to help you as you navigate your way through the minefield which may lie ahead. Remember that your friend’s mother, Ginny, is a qualified professional who only lives a block away from you. If you feel overwhelmed, visit her right away. She will be able to help. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“Our time is up. Any questions?”
“No.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow after school?”
“Yes. I’ll be here. Maybe we can talk about sexual orientation?”
“It’s a deal.”
I didn’t want to run into anyone at Kory’s, so I went straight home.
I had some time to consider what he told me. It was quite shocking to think he felt any of those bad things he mentioned could happen to me. I mean, none of that sounds like me. But then I remembered the head pains that came out of nowhere, and what they did to me. I’m sure they were caused by those suppressed memories trying to block the physical action with Alex and Donny. But then I remembered my pains and collapse at Sam’s house. there was no physical stimulus there. That even sounded a little like the panic attacks Dr. Keating mentioned. So I guessed I wasn’t immune to any of the stuff he mentioned. Like he said, the mind is an unpredictable opponent. And Danny said I will be at war with myself. I didn’t think there would be any body armor available to fight in this war. My turning point was the realization I was now in a war with myself, on a very tight timeline, where my very survival was at stake. What would be my key to victory? What would victory even look like?
During dinner, Tommy kept treating me like I was going to explode or something. I wished he would go back to saying funny things at my expense. It was how we always were. But I just sat there quietly eating Aunt Sarah’s nice meal. After dinner, we went to Dad’s little den and he shut the door.
“OK Dad. Before we begin, let me tell you what we’ve worked out.” And so I recapped pretty much everything Dr. Keating recapped to me. I didn’t mention Donny or Dr. Keating’s worst case scenarios of things I might experience. That was all pretty theoretical, and I didn’t want to distract my father from the issue that was starting to bother me very much.
“That’s what we think happened. Remember, I have no memory at all of my life before I was about seven or eight. Everything we concluded is from those nightmares and circumstances. What I want to know from you is, what happened? Why were those two here, and why did Liz and I need to be involved with those visits? And, most importantly, where was Tommy?”
“Let me give you some background. This incident happened after your mother and I had been married for about eleven or twelve years. During the first years of our marriage, your mother flitted from one fad to another. I called her my little psychedelic butterfly. She was a flower child, born forty years too late. But it was sort of charming, and harmless, in its own way.
“Then Johnson arrived and started his church. If I even knew it existed, I would never have expected her to be interested in it. It was really not her kind of thing. And so when Johnson and Burch arrived at the door one day, and began preaching to her, I took no mind. How could you take them seriously, after all? In my mind they were just another twosome, wandering the village, preaching their sect. We certainly got enough of those around here.
“To my surprise, she had them return a few times. In a way, I was pleased because at least they were Christians, which was rather unlike her previous fads. To me, they were harmless, just proselytizing. You kids were there because she was your mother, and you usually hung around that time of day. There was absolutely no way I could have expected either of them to interfere with you children while they were trying to convert your mother. I’m still having difficulty understanding how Burch got you alone, unless Johnson and your mother went off together, leaving him in charge. While I could not understand that happening then, I do now, from what I have since learned. When you did complain to me, I got you and Tommy away from that creepy babysitter. It wasn’t long before I threw them out. When that happened, your mother didn’t talk to me for over a month. I think it’s when her cooking got so bad too.”
“But Dad, why did you let her force us to go to that church? You were there, you saw what it was really like. You should have stayed home and let us stay with you.”
“What can I say beyond ‘I’m sorry?’ I took the easy way out to avoid a confrontation with your mother, who by then had become totally involved with the church. I had no idea what they were into beside the few causes Johnson always preached about.”
I found myself getting angry with my father. I mean, anyone can make a mistake, and I didn’t want to say anything stupid, so I just told him I needed to go to bed.
I needed to get away from him.
Twoey
Today was a little unsettling. I think there was a turning point in my relationship with Erik.
First, the assholes in my English class seemed to be getting even more obnoxious. I didn’t want to tell Erik because I’m already so dependent on him. I needed to be myself! I’m a strong guy. I could handle things on my own.
Second, when we got to his house – it was Wednesday – I decided the time was right, before we got into any sex, to mention Syracuse on Saturday.
“How about taking a little road trip to the big mall in Syracuse for a little Christmas shopping?”
“That sounds like fun. Great idea, Twoey. Let’s do it!”
“My old friend Mike called and suggested we come up. He wants to meet you anyway and I can even do some shopping without you around, if you get what I mean.” I gave him my most coy smile.
“Well, I’m not sure I want to spend the day with someone I don’t know.”
That's when I started to explain all the reasons why he needed to meet Mike. I went through my background, the 'coming out' and subsequent snubbing Mike gave me, but then how we re-established our friendship after the shooting incident. I kept talking, trying to bring in a thousand reasons why this was a good idea: the shopping, the connecting with old friends, introducing him to an earlier part of my life he knew nothing about. He tried to interrupt a few times and I guess I just kept talking over him ...rattling on and on ...getting more stressed and emotional ...maybe it was the assholes in English ...maybe I just wanted to see Mike ...I'm not sure, but I just kept going and going until ...
SMACK!!!
*
*
*
*
He SLAPPED me!
Erik HIT me!
I held my cheek and looked at him in disbelief. In that instant, I could feel my life change. Tears started pouring down my face.
“OMG NO!! I’m sorry Twoey! I didn’t mean to do that!”
He tried to hold me but I was pushing back. Finally his greater strength won out and he wrapped me in a giant hug, pushing his head into my shoulder. He kept repeating, “No ...no ...no!” He acted like he was an emotional wreck, but I was still stunned.
He pleaded with me to forgive him – said he just wanted to interrupt me when I wouldn’t let him say anything, but he didn’t mean to slap me. He said he could never hurt me. He said of course we would go to Syracuse Saturday. He said he wanted to meet Mike. He asked my forgiveness again ...and again.
Well what could I do? Of course I forgave him. I apologized for ranting on, which I can see now caused him to snap. I’ll never do that again, but his reaction upset me. No matter what he said, how could you hit someone you loved?
Anyway, what followed was the most gentle and wonderful lovemaking we have ever had. I was fulfilled in every way. It was the greatest tenderness I’ve ever felt from my boyfriend. Later, he took me out to dinner at Applebees and just kept apologizing all night long.
That evening, as I was getting into bed, I turned my phone on just long enough to text Mike that we’d meet him at noon by the fountain at the mall on Saturday morning. I certainly didn’t tell him about the slap.
I had a hard time falling asleep. Things were now different. I mean, anyone can make a mistake, but I decided I needed to pay closer attention to how Eric treated me. All that pushing me toward the car when he wanted us to avoid people I knew, suddenly had a different feeling. At the time I viewed it as hustling us off to do something nice, like making-out, as though he couldn’t wait. But now, I’ll have to pay attention and resist any of that type of contact.
Yes, things were different.
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