18 Weeks of Twoey - 114. Week Seventeen Tuesday, December 23, 2014: Sigmund’s Final Session

We all weep at the sad news that he died now, instead of when the nurse said, “It’s a boy!”

I Clowns - Federico Fellini

***

Twoey

This was too damned frustrating! The beginning and end of my day were both stained with the strange behavior of the boy I thought loved me. Where was my David? Where was the boy who kissed me in the hospital? What has become of him? I woke up this morning remembering that strange phone call to him last night. I had been worried he hated me, but when he let me cry my sadness away into his shoulder, I figured we were back to normal.

Not So.

He was as cold and as abrupt as he could be last night. I wondered if he was just nice to me Sunday because Sam and Deena were there. But then yesterday afternoon he was both hot and cold. He said he still loved me but wouldn’t answer my question of what I meant to him. When we talked about his therapy, it was all about the abuse. I wondered if Mom even knew about that – probably not. I certainly couldn’t tell her, not with all his mistrust of people, especially Mom, talking behind his back. I never did get to talk to him about his original therapy mission, back when I was in the hospital. He was trying to figure out his orientation. What had been his progress on that? I thought it was the key to any future we might have had. I wondered how that was coming along. I knew we needed more talks. I couldn’t have him continue to get all distant and funny with me. Without having Alex around, who did he have to reach out to? Who would give him a shoulder to cry on? I knew how dangerous he was when he sat alone and thought. I knew I had to provide that safety valve for him. I didn’t want my angel to be alone! I couldn’t let that happen. I hoped I didn't lose him forever with that Erik fling ...but I was becoming worried I did. I had to see if I could work myself back, somehow.

The rest of the day was better. It was spent on preparations for my Breaking-Up Party! First, Mom couldn’t know anything about it. She’d never let me have a party without her being in town. Even though none of my friends were drinkers or rowdy, it wouldn’t matter to her. So I tried to fool her with normalcy, while I secretively texted and made plans with Deena and Sam.

Second, I got Sam to arrange for one of his DJ friends to provide the music. I’d pay him, of course, but I had been worried it might have been a busy weekend for DJs. Anyway, Sam came through. Sam also wanted to be in charge of the music selection, so I knew it would be perfect, or at least off the wall enough to be memorable. Deena and I tried to come up with decorating ideas, but we couldn’t agree on anything today. Hopefully, she’ll think of something great.

Third, NO BOOZE. I knew it wasn’t a problem with my friends, but I still wanted to make that perfectly clear to them. All I would need is for a neighbor to call the cops and have them find underage drinking. I’d be grounded until retirement age! Deena checked with her Dad and he’ll be able to be my wheels to shop for soda and snacks later Saturday afternoon. She’s making a list and will come along to help. I sort of got used to having a boyfriend who could drive. I think the whole gang has birthdays in the spring, so by summertime, we’ll all have wheels. Watch out Daleville! The sixteen year-olds’ Grand Prix is about to begin!

I kept working on the guest list and began texting the invitations. Naturally, I included all the gang and their dates. I thought I would invite Lanni and Benny too. We were never able to really connect, but she is Deena's friend and she was nice to me. And that inspired me to make another decision. This was going to be my Breaking-Up Party, but it would also be my Coming-Out Party! If Erik thought I was going to be so vulnerable for him to try and ‘out’ me, then I would be safest actually being out – fully out. This would be the perfect opportunity. A bunch of my friends already were aware, so I decided everyone else I knew should be on the party list.

I also made the decision to invite Alex, although I was stunned Sunday when I learned she and David had broken up! They seemed so perfect for each other. I invited David’s friend Randy too, especially since I thought he was gay. Of course, I included Mike and Maryellen from Syracuse and also Alan and Jenny. I automatically added “plus friend” to each invitation, if it was for someone single .

I invited Matty but wasn’t convinced he’d come; I wasn’t sure what his allegiance was to Erik. I invited Chuck. I included Tommy, but was sure to add that I wouldn’t feel bad if he already had plans with his middle school friends. I knew he didn’t hang out with high school people. I didn’t want him to feel forced to come and be bored, but I couldn’t not invite him.

I decided to add that cute redhead Terri Chambers and her boyfriend Ron Grady. I also invited Kathy Bailey from my Math and English classes and wondered who she would bring. I certainly hoped it wouldn’t be Cal. I even added Biggy, what the hell, why not? Maybe he wouldn’t be busy Sunday night and he and I sort of ‘connected’ one day ...haha.

In the middle of all this, I got a voice call from Gary.

“I heard about the party from Sam even before I got your text. I just wanted to check up on you, to see how you were doing. You know, after the breakup and all.”

“Thanks Gary, you’ve been a great friend. I think I’m starting to settle in and begin the next phase of my life. The party will be like a rebirth for me. It was Deena’s idea and she was right. I’m too busy planning to get all maudlin about Erik.”

“Speaking of Erik, he hasn’t bothered you in any way, has he?”

“No. No contact at all.”

“Good. Maybe he took the advice of my friends seriously. They can be pretty persuasive. You let me know if he ever troubles you again – right away!”

“OK, Gary. And, thanks. You’re the best.”

That was how Gary showed me he meant what he told me Saturday night, in front of Mike and Alan. I didn’t know who these ‘friends’ of his were, but I was sure glad they were on my side!

I didn’t send a text to David, because I figured that I would ask him in person when I called him tonight. He was there when Deena came up with the idea for the party anyway. I didn’t get a chance to ask him tonight though, because he was cold as ice again when I called before bed. He cut me right off!!! :((((

David

Twoey was naked, with his back toward me. I was naked too, and sexually excited. My erection was throbbing. I slowly approached him, gently reaching out to touch his bare shoulder. He spun around, but did not have the usual pleasant smile on his face. No, he looked at me with an evil grin.

“I know what you really are!”

Suddenly those green eyes turned bright red! His hands became sharp talons as he ripped into my flesh.

“Did you think you could throw me away for that other boy? I’ll make sure there’s nothing left for him!”

With that, he ripped my hard cock right off my body! I sat up, screaming in pain. But there was no pain in my groin, just the worst headache I’d ever had! Crap! ...another Twoey dream! Why was I being plagued by these things? They were now becoming nightmares! Tommy didn’t come into my room, so at least my scream didn’t wake him up.

After my morning shower, where I wasn’t even tempted to jack-off, I decided to meditate. Then I changed my mind. First, I couldn’t face Danny after not having opened my hidden mental compartments. In fact, I was sure I’d made new ones. Second, he made it perfectly clear what I had to do and by which date it had to be done. The deadline seemed to be approaching faster than I could do what had to be done. I was beginning to feel fucked.

I decided to invoke Plan B, my lake. Dressing warmly, I slipped out like I used to in the days when I had to avoid that woman. A short while later, I had arrived. I walked down to the shore. The sun was only barely up, but it didn’t matter. It was hidden anyway. The day was gray, overcast and windy. It looked like anything could precipitate from the sky at any moment. I thought, Great! It fit my mood perfectly. Maybe this weather would force me to understand myself. I went over near the pier and stood by the water’s edge, buffeted by the wind. I began to cry. I knew I was fucked. He might have heard me sobbing, because a seagull suddenly appeared. Unbelievably, he was suspended right in front of me. I thought it must have been Sigmund because he was looking at me. The strong wintry winds were keeping him almost stationary – hanging in the air. He was there for me, for a session, so I spoke to him.

“Why am I having so much trouble discovering the real me? Why am I conflicted between Donny and Twoey? Why do I feel isolated, alone and abandoned? My mother abandoned me, my father abandoned me and my therapist abandoned me. Only you, Sigmund, seem not to have abandoned me. Am I only important to a bird? Why do I feel like I’m walking around being different Davids, a unique one for each person I know?”

We both thought about that for a little while.

Slowly some things started to become clearer to me. I decided to tell the seagull. After all, he was the only therapist who didn’t abandon me – the only one who cared.

“My friends are influencing me too much. I’ve been afraid to be honest with myself because for each issue, there was a friend who I was afraid would be alienated by my honesty. By being me, I was not able to really be me! Am I a straight boy, surrounded by gay friends who are influencing me? Am I a gay boy surrounded by straight friends who are influencing me? Am I somewhere else on Dr. Keating’s sliding scale, but who reflects whichever friend I’m with at the moment? Has my real sexuality been obscured by whatever Burch did to me when I was little? Did he even do anything to me? After all, I can’t remember any of it. Donny and I only guessed it from a few dreams I’d had. Considering the other weird dreams I get, could anyone guess anything as truth? Burch isn’t here anymore, so I can’t confront him. I can’t confirm anything. What if I was abused, but not by Burch? What if it was someone else? What if it was Pastor Pig Fucker or Greg or even Tommy’s father for God sake? How could I ever know? So, do I even want to know the real me? Maybe it would be better to glide along and not take any of this shit seriously.”

I must have overloaded Sigmund with too much data, because he made a squawk and left. I couldn’t tell what he told me, but it was probably, like, “See you next week” or something. By now, I had figured out how these therapists worked.

Worse, all this was starting to increase my headache. I decided to let it all wait until after Christmas. With the adults and Liz gone, and Tommy certainly partying with his middle school friends, I’d have enough alone time to make the final journey to discovering who I was. I needed to see where I sat on that sliding scale Dr. Keating described. I knew for certain now that I wasn’t sitting on the completely straight end. I needed to know exactly where I was on that scale so I could organize my life – return some semblance of order to it. I also needed some help in sorting out Donny and Twoey. But this headache started getting worse, preventing me from doing any deep thinking right then. And so I left my worries down by the lake in hopes the headache would stay there too. After all, today was for shopping and Donny.

Returning home, I did get a chance to take a short nap, which helped. I texted, then met him at about noon. We sat in Tim's and had hot chocolate. When I told him I was going to be on my own for the week after Christmas, he really lit up. It was during this conversation that I noticed my headache was gone. Was it as simple as that? Team Donny and me together and have no headaches? After Timmy’s, we headed downtown to begin shopping. We went to a few strange little stores to finish getting my unusual gifts. Donny was having a good time with it. He decided to do a similar thing for a couple of his close friends and relatives.

“Why have I never thought of something as wicked as this?” he asked me.

“I don’t know. You seem to have wickedness for a middle name.” Which earned me a grab on my ass.

While shopping, there were a few times when he would lean into my back, to check on an item, and I would feel his stiffness push into my crack. After the third time it happened, I whispered, “You seem to be excited about this funny tee I’m looking at.”

“Nuh-uh, I’m excited about being close to you. I haven’t been soft all morning.”

“If it’s been more than four hours, we’re supposed to call your doctor.”

“Only if he’d give me a blowjob. But why should I call him? I think there’s someone nearby who’ll help me out.”

That only made us speed up the shopping. It also encouraged him to goose me a few more times. I didn’t want to reciprocate because I knew I would blow cum into my jeans. I was beyond hard.

It was almost five o’clock by the time we finished with both our lists. Donny made sure I came home with him. Mrs. Nelson laughed when she saw our arms full of shopping bags. She just looked at me and said, “Dinner is at 6:30, so you guys have time to wrap your stuff and – whatever.”

When we got to his room, after an electric kiss, I asked Donny, “What was your mother getting at?”

“She’s figured it all out about me. She also figured it all out about us.”

I sorta gasped. But Donny winked.

“She told me she had been suspecting for a long time that I was gay, and she was cool with it. She even told me I had hit the cute boy jackpot with you.”

I knew that meant she thought I was gay and that Donny and I were boyfriends or something. I wondered how I could explain the real situation to her, but decided it would be impossible.

We were back in each other’s arms. Donny locked his door and introduced me to the 69 position. I guess this was BJ102. At least, in this way, I could mimic what he was doing, as I experienced the effect each little thing had on me. I think I passed BJ102 because I could tell he came harder than he did from my first horrible attempt. I was still embarrassed by that. Surprisingly, to me, his cum didn’t feel gross this time. I decided maybe it was an acquired taste.

We quickly wrapped and labeled our gifts, and then put mine all in one of the larger bags we brought to his house. It was time for dinner and the usual Tommy-grilling from Barbara and shortstop-grilling from Pauley. Donny's father seemed to get a kick out of it all.

After helping clear the table, we went back to Donny’s room to “finish-up wrapping things” and that meant sex. But I decided to use the opportunity for my final exam in BJ102. I gave Donny a blowjob all by myself and tried to edge him a few times, succeeding to actually make his body spasm hard as he blew down my throat. This was only the third time in my life that I had boy juice in my mouth, and I was growing to actually like it. I decided it really had been an acquired taste, and I had now acquired it! I kissed him and shared his seed.

When we sat up, he said, “You are one hell of a learner! If that was your third BJ, I hope I can stay alive after your thirtieth!” That made me blush a little. And that brought on another make-out session. Finally, Donny gently held my head between his hands, lightly touched my lips with his and said, “I’m serious about wanting you to fuck me. That’s all I think about any more. Please, make that my Christmas present!” He gave me another butterfly kiss.

Then he went into his closet and came back with a wrapped box. When he gave it to me and told me to put it into my bag, I couldn’t help realizing it contained a bottle of something that sloshed. I gave Donny a quizzical look.

“It’s a small bottle of vodka.”

“I don’t drink, Donny.”

“Aww ...c’mon, it’s for our week at your house. It’s only half a liter and we’ll only have a small bit each day, just to help loosen us up. Hide it in your closet or something.”

“I’m not so sure about this.”

But after he smothered me with kisses, I caved in. I certainly wouldn’t drink any of it, but if it helped Donny and me bond, I guess it’d be OK to have it there for him.

I carried my bag downstairs to leave and Mrs. Nelson started to put on her coat. I told her I could walk; I didn’t have that stupid boot on my foot anymore. But she wouldn’t hear of it. Donny and I rode in the back seat holding hands, this time not trying to hide it.

Lying in bed, I tried to analyze my relationship with Donny. Once again, I was torn three ways. I liked what we were doing. Let me rephrase that. I really, really liked what we were doing. But it seemed that Donny was attempting to enter “relationship territory” and I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to follow. I realize that sounds so calculating, but I don’t mean it in that way. Donny has opened new doorways and feelings in me, but he wanted to do it. I was unsure, but thoroughly enjoyed it. I’m not blaming him in the least. He did not prey on me. If Dr. Keating were here to ask me, I’d tell him there was no parallel with Burch, at all. I welcomed all of Donny’s advances, and he always asked me first.

But every day, I was realizing more and more that Donny was not my soul-mate. The feeling I had on September second had never been replicated. Not with Kathy, not with Alex, not with Randy and not with Donny. It was a gut wrenching, electric attraction. It only ever happened when I looked into Twoey’s green eyes; those feral eyes. He absolutely ruined me for anyone else, of either sex.

And then, I began to become angry with him.

And then, I began to feel guilty at being angry with Twoey. How could I ever become angry with Twoey?

And then, he phoned.

I said, “Goodnight Twoey” and hung right up. I couldn’t even talk to him at that moment. Not one word. I couldn’t talk to him at all until I decided exactly what I felt for him. Let me put it another way, for I certainly knew what I felt for him. With every fiber of my being did I know what I felt for him. I needed to decide what I would do about what I felt for him. I didn’t want to be angry. I didn’t want to feel guilty.

I couldn’t wait for my adults to leave!

I needed to be completely alone, like Sinclair. I needed to figure this all out.

To perfectly cap off my day, the fucking headache was returning with a vengeance.