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The Cockney Canuck - 76. Chapter 76 Little Rich Boy
“That’s really funny,” I said. “We are talking about the same guy, right? Is that why you think I’m here; you think that we’re having some kind of gay love affair.” I tried to laugh and make fun of a very unfunny situation but Jenny was poker faced and had plenty of ammunition at hand to substantiate her claim.
“Alex doesn’t do sleepovers unless he’s getting laid,” she said. “I’ve never known any of his friends to stay over at his house, not ever. You don’t even hang out with him; he never even mentioned you until yesterday. Now I find out that you stayed over here a month ago or whenever it was. Why, what was the occasion? You’re not even his friend, why would he even want to be your friend; it doesn’t make sense?”
She was absolutely right, of course, it didn’t make any sense. If she had even the slightest doubt about her boyfriend’s sexual orientation, then it was, game, set, and match for her. Alex had already told her that I was gay, so it was an easy conclusion to jump to. I could offer her no other reasonable explanation as to why I would be climbing out of his basement window early one Saturday morning.
In the face of such overwhelming, if the somewhat circumstantial evidence, the only line of defence left open to me was bare-faced denial. “What you’re saying doesn’t make any sense either,” I said. “Alex is probably the least gay person that I’ve ever met.” I thought that I sounded quite convincing but she wasn’t buying it and scoffed at my reply.
“I know he isn’t gay, stupid,” she said. “But Alex would fuck anything!”
“Thanks.”
She laughed. “Don’t take it personally, sweetie, but it’s true.”
‘Cheeky cow'!
I wasn’t going to have any sleepless nights because of Jenny’s remarks, but I was more than happy to trade insults with her.
“Well, I don’t need your boyfriend because I already have one who’s a hundred percent gay and much better looking than Alex, so what the fuck?”
‘Put that in your pipe and smoke it’!
“You’re not the first person to leave this house by the back entrance early in the morning,” she said. “I’ve had to do it as well! What would you think?” She gathered her bed sheet and stormed off to the bathroom.
“I’m having a shower,” she said. “Don’t come in here.”
“Wild horses wouldn’t drag me!” I said before she slammed the door shut on my comment.
‘I hope you don’t slip over and break your neck’.
As much as I disliked her though, I couldn’t help feeling a little sympathy for Jenny. She was after all, correct in her assumption. She had hit the nail pretty much directly on the head and deserved better than my brazen refusal to admit to what was, after all, the bleeding obvious. Alex however, seemed to care little for her feelings and I got the impression that this wasn’t the first time that he had cheated on her and maybe not even the first time with a boy.
When Alex returned minus his little brother, I was trying to tidy up some of the mess. I could focus better without staring at empty food cartons, cups and bits of leftover food lying around. It was beginning to stress me out and I getting restless stuck in the basement.
He pointed towards the bathroom, where the shower was running and I nodded to let him know that she was in there.
“Alex, your girlfriend is a….”
“Total psycho,” he said. “Yeah, I know.” It wasn’t quite what I was going to say but along the same lines. He gave me a pat on the back as he walked past and I followed him into the bedroom.
“She thinks that you….”
“She doesn’t know anything dude,” he said cutting me off again. “I dunno what’s gotten into her lately?”
I knew alright, and it was staring me right in the face as he casually dropped his boxer shorts to his ankles and stepped out of them. I tried to look away but it took a concentrated effort. I had seen his tool on a number of occasions, at varying distances, and in various states of arousal, but no matter how familiar I was with his appendage, it was still impossible not to be impressed.
My eyes inevitably found their way back to his package and I watched it swing majestically between his legs as he reached for a clean pair of underwear. He caught me looking and I quickly diverted my eyes to the floor, but it was too late.
“Do you have to keep staring all the time…and don’t deny it. I’ve caught you a few times.”
“Well if you didn’t have to keep showing it to me then I wouldn’t have to keep staring at it would I. What do you expect?” I was anticipating an aggressive response but he remained surprisingly calm.
“Dude, you’re in my bedroom. This is where I usually get changed.”
I turned and walked away, accepting his point. Alex did have a nice body and my eyes would inevitably stray in his direction when I saw bare flesh. I didn’t even notice myself doing it, but I definitely didn’t want to give him the impression that I still liked him in that way, even if I did and even if he knew that I did, which was probably the case.
‘This is so fucked up; I can’t stay here’.
I was picking up some of my own clothes from the floor when he came and stood behind me, placing his hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay,” he said quietly. “I didn’t mean to upset you or anything. I know you can’t help it.”
“You didn’t upset me Alex, and I can help it. It’s stupid of me. I don’t wanna give the wrong signals to you.” I looked him in the eye expecting him to say something but he just stood there smiling at me and making me nervous. After a couple of seconds, I turned my attention to his hand which still rested on my shoulder and he quickly let go.
“Don’t worry, you’re not,” he said and he walked away when he heard the bathroom door opening.
I was hot and flustered. It was an intense moment which I hadn’t expected and it set alarm bells ringing in my head. I didn’t like the look that he gave me; I had seen it before and I knew what it meant. It was too friendly and he was too close. It was almost like he was going to kiss me, although I knew that he would never do that. If he had of though, I probably would have allowed him to, and that was what scared me the most.
While Alex and Jenny argued in the bedroom, I found my phone, switched it on and waited for the inevitable text and message alerts. There were a quite a few and I wasn’t sure if I actually wanted to read them. It was now more than twenty-four hours since I ran out of the house and my only contact with anyone was a single text to Sue. I was reading her reply when the phone rang making me jump. It was Nicola and I stared at the screen for a couple of seconds before answering.
“Where are you; why haven’t you returned any of my messages? I’ve been trying to call you; why are you ignoring me, you’re so selfish?”
“Wait, wait. Nicola calm down. I’ve only just switched on my phone.”
“Why?” she demanded. “We’ve been trying to contact you.”
“That’s why I switched it off,” I said. “I didn’t want to talk to anyone…and I still don’t.”
“FINE,” she shouted. “I’ll leave you alone then!” I was expecting her to end the call and in the past, she would have, but when I looked at the screen, we were still connected. “Robbie, are you there?”
“Yes, I’m still here,” I said putting the phone back to my ear.
“Don’t hang up on me or I swear I’ll never talk to you again.” There was a time not so long ago, when I would have gladly accepted those terms and skipped down the road, but not anymore. I reassured her and her voice became much calmer and controlled. I guess she needed to get it out of her system.
“I couldn’t call you,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“I know…but you scared me. You scared everyone.”
“I didn’t do it for that reason…but you know that I couldn’t stay there.”
“You should’ve called me though or a text or something to tell me that you hadn’t killed yourself.” That came as a bit of a shock to me.
“Why would you think that?”
“It happens.”
I could understand why somebody would do that and I wasn’t scared of dying myself, but deliberately taking my own life had never even crossed my mind.
“I wasn’t thinking of doing anything that drastic,” I said and I even laughed a little which seemed to put her mind at rest. “But it’s nice to know that somebody cares.”
“OF COURSE I CARE, YOU, ASSHOLE!” I had to put some distance between my ear and the phone. “We all care about you Robbie, how could you even think that?”
“Okay, I get it. Calm down. I didn’t mean it that way. Geez Nicola, give me a chance here.”
“Where are you?” she said but it was more of a demand than a question.
“I can’t tell you.” I removed the phone from my ear again as a precaution, but there was no reply. “Not yet,” I added.
“Why not?”
“Because you’ll turn up.”
“You don’t trust me?”
“No! Yes! Urgh, I don’t know what to think anymore!” There was another long silence.
“Okay,” she said. “But you have to come home sometime.”
“Home…where is home Nicola? I don’t know where that is anymore. I won’t go back there. I don’t ever want to go back there again. Not ever!” I could hear her sniffling. She sounded like she was crying. I had never heard her cry before. “Nicola…are you there? Are you okay?”
“Yes,” she said. “I’ll tell mom that you’re okay, but you’ll have to tell her yourself that you’re not coming home.”
I promised Nicola that I would call Sue and talk to her rather than send a text, but as I paced the floor trying to think of what to say, I was continually interrupted by the sounds emanating from the next room.
Their voices may not have been as loud as they were earlier that morning but Alex and Jenny were a volatile mix of personalities and they were going at each other hammer and tongs. When the bedroom door flew open, I stood well back and out of the line of fire as she breezed past me and up the stairs. She didn’t even glance in my direction or reply to any of Alex’s pleas to wait up. His final words to her from the bottom of the stairs would have put him into double figures with Sue’s swear jar.
“Bitch!” he said kicking the couch. I wasn’t going to disagree with his verdict but I didn’t like him when he was in this kind of mood. “What are you smiling about?”
“I was just counting the swear words, Alex,” I said, trying to lighten up his mood a little. “Eight fucks in one sentence, that may be some kind of record.” He looked at me grim faced as if I was totally crazy.
“Don’t forget the two I gave her this morning,” he said as his face cracked with a smile.
“Oh, Yeah, I only heard the one though.” He insisted he had done it twice before conceding that one was a blowjob. I didn’t particularly want to know the finer details of either act but he explained them to me anyway.
“I think that’s the last time that I’ll get her lips around my dick,” he said with a little chuckle. “She won't come back. And it’s all your fault!”
I thought that Alex was remarkably cheerful considering he had just lost the girl who he had been dating for nearly six months, but I failed to understand how it was my fault. It was Luke who had unknowingly let the cat out of the bag and Alex who had insisted that I use the hatch to leave that fateful morning.
“I was looking for an excuse to end it anyway,” he said. “I gotta thank Luke for that.”
‘So when it’s bad; it’s all my fault and when it’s good, it’s down to Luke’.
I didn’t really care that much for Jenny anyway and I was pleased to see the back of her as long as he wasn’t considering me as a temporary replacement.
While Alex was upstairs talking to his brothers, I went back to rehearsing what I was going to say to Sue, but my phone was already ringing as I pulled it from my pocket. It was Nathan and for the first time ever, I was apprehensive about answering.
“Hey, Nathan, how did it go yesterday?”
“Fine; where are you?” he said and he sounded upset.
‘I guess they must have got to him first’.
“I’m at a friend’s house.”
“Daniel just told me what happened, why didn’t you call me?”
“I didn’t want you to worry.”
“But you ran away,” he said. “You have to go back Robbie, they’re worried about you and you’re not well.”
‘Not you too’.
I glanced over at Alex as he came downstairs. “I’m fine, honestly. I feel okay.”
“Please, I love you baby and I don’t want you to be ill again. If you can’t go home, then go straight to the hospital. The doctors are worried; they’re going to re-admit you.” I screwed up my face. I didn’t want to have to go back to the hospital for another week, even if it meant that I didn’t have to go home. “Robbie, I’m worried about you, please.”
“I don’t wanna go back to the hospital; there’s nothing wrong with me now. I can remember everything; I haven’t got any headaches or dizziness.” I could see Alex watching me and I stared back at him, hoping that he would take the hint and give me some privacy.
“The police are looking for you but you’re not in any trouble, they just want to take you back to the hospital…please…please.” He was very emotional and I felt for him. He wasn’t having the best few days of his life either and I was only adding to his anxiety, but I wasn’t ready to face Don again so soon.
“If I go to the hospital they’ll contact Don and he’ll be in my face again. I can’t have that. You have to understand. I don’t wanna ever have to see him again.”
“I knew it,” he said. “I knew that man would be a total jerk about it. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’ll be back tomorrow morning. Where are you?”
I desperately wanted to see him, but I couldn’t think of any way of explaining how I knew Alex. As Jenny had pointed out; it was such an unlikely friendship and I had never even talked about him to Nathan. “It’s difficult.”
“Why can’t you tell me where you are?”
“I told you, I’m at a friend’s house.”
“What friend, I thought I knew all of your friends?”
I could see Alex still staring at me. “Look, Nathan, you have to trust me.”
‘Shit! I just said his name’.
I had been trying hard not to do that, only to drop my guard right at the end. Nathan was upset and I suppose he had every right to be, but I couldn’t give way on this. Everything seemed to be happening too fast, and I felt as if I had to apply the brakes before it got completely out of control, if it wasn’t already.
I told him to text me when he was back in Cobourg and I would call him and meet up someplace and he begrudgingly accepted the compromise. It was the closest that we had ever come to an argument and it upset me. When I ended the call I switched off the phone again, Sue would have to wait. I was unable to face another grilling so soon, especially with Alex looking ready to pounce.
“Was that your boyfriend…Nathan, isn’t it?” he asked.
“You overheard,” I said sulking.
“No, I already knew,” he said and walked upstairs.
I hurried behind him. “Wait, but how?”
As I walked into the kitchen, his brother Brad was sitting at the table with what looked like a dozen or so plastic bags filled with cannabis in front of him. He was on the phone but lifted his hand to acknowledge me.
“Hey buddy, how did you sleep?” he said before going back to his call. “Come over anytime you want, I’m here all day.”
“Fine, thank you,” I said as he ended his call and I watched him scoop up the bags and place them in a plastic lunchbox.
“You don’t smoke any of this shit do you?” he said.
“Not really.”
“Yeah, neither does Alex, right?” he looked over at his brother who was looking in the fridge.
“No, of course not,” said Alex. “Did dad go shopping yesterday?’
“Yes,” said Brad.
“Well, where’s all the food gone?”
Brad laughed. “What food? He came in with two cases of beer and some bacon. And he ate the bacon this morning.”
Alex shook his head and slammed the fridge door shut. “Fucking asshole.” Brad didn’t disagree with that statement but he seemed to accept the old man’s behaviour better than his brother who looked as angry as I had ever seen him. I avoided eye contact with my friend as Brad pulled a bundle of notes from his pocket and counted out a hundred dollars in twenties before handing them to Alex.
“You’ll have to get some stuff in,” he said. “I got people coming over today and I can’t leave.”
I was trying to work out where the closest food store was but I knew that there wasn’t anything within walking distance.
Alex stuffed the notes in his pocket and held out his hand expectantly in front of his brother. “Be fucking careful man,” Brad said as he slapped a set of keys into Alex’s hand.
“Do you wanna come for a ride?” Alex said turning to me.
“You’re driving?”
“Yeah man, don’t worry about it. I can drive.”
“Just to the stores and back, that’s all, understand?” said Brad.
“Quit worrying,” said Alex and he pulled a face at me behind his brother’s back. “It’s not like I’m gonna race anyone.”
This seemed to worry Brad. “The last time I let him drive my car, he was gone for nearly four hours, trying to impress the girls.”
“Have you got a license?” I asked. I was pretty sure that the driving age was sixteen in Canada. They both laughed.
‘I didn’t think so’.
Alex was only a month shy of sixteen but looked and acted a lot older than his age. He seemed comfortable behind the wheel of his brother’s Chevy Cruze, but he was little rough around the edges as he drove across town and had a bit of a lead foot too.
“I’m pretty sure that the speed limit around here is fifty,” I said.
“I know what I’m fucking doing, dickhead,” he said turning his head to show his disapproval.
“Alex, you need to watch the road mate!”
‘He’s gonna get us both killed’!
“Don’t fucking tell me how to drive, okay? I’ve been driving for a long time.”
“Yeah,” I said, “It looks like it. You just hit the kerb.”
“WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?”
I folded my arms and kept my eyes on the road ahead. “Fine,” I mumbled under my breath. “I just don’t fancy having to go back into intensive care.”
“That’s it asshole! You can fucking walk home!”
“It’ll be safer
“Why can’t you just be quiet?” he said. “You always have something else to say. You drive me fucking crazy.”
I kept tight lipped and looked angrily across at him as we pulled into the parking lot. There was something that I needed to ask him but as I opened my mouth to speak he put his hand up in front of my face.
“Don’t!” he said as we stopped outside the front of Loblaws. “Whatever it is, I don’t wanna fucking hear it, okay?”
“But!”
“Shut up and stay in the car, okay?” I nodded as he got out and slammed the door shut muttering to himself. He wasn’t having a good day but I was only going to ask him if he needed some money to help with the shopping.
There was a BMO bank at the end of the plaza and I was sure that my card would work in the machine. I needed cash and Alex would be a while so I decided to grab the opportunity.
I liked the way Canadian banks provided little foyers for their cash dispensers. A small comfortable room accessible by an automatic door where you could pay in or withdraw cash out-of-hours. In the winter they were heated and in the summer air-conditioned. This one was carpeted and even played music to keep you entertained while it counted your cash. I withdrew five hundred dollars; the maximum my account would allow in a single day.
When I returned to the car Alex was waiting for me looking furious. “I told you to stay in the car,” he said. “I can’t trust you for a minute can I? Where the fuck was you?”
“I went to the bank,” I said. “I needed some money. I didn’t think you would be so quick.”
“A hundred bucks doesn’t go far here man,” he said as he climbed into the car. “Next time, do as I say. If someone sees you then you’ll get me in trouble too.”
“Here,” I said, “take this towards the food anyway.” I handed him fifty dollars and his eyes opened wide. The sudden injection of cash into his pocket definitely improved Alex’s mood but sadly not his driving skills as he reversed straight into a stray shopping cart, scratching the paintwork on his brother’s car.
“Do you want me to get out and move it for you?” I asked.
“If you don’t fucking mind…please!” He was trying hard to keep his cool but driving seemed to bring out the worst in him, although he said it was me.
The need for a change of clothes outweighed my immediate safety concerns and he agreed to take to me the mall on the way home so that I could buy myself something else to wear.
We went to Sears and in the half-an-hour, before closing, I spent nearly three hundred dollars on a random selection of clothes, a pair of sneakers and a backpack. If I was going to be a fugitive, then I wanted to do it style, but spending money on myself also made me feel a lot better.
Alex was impressed. “Where did you get all that money from dude?”
“My account,” I said.
“Are you rich or something?”
“I think I have a few thousand in there but I don’t really know exactly, I never check. Don never lets me use my own money; he likes to pay for everything. That was the first time that I’ve had to take any money out in months. He gives me an allowance too…or he used to. ALEX IT’S A RED LIGHT!”
He slammed on the brakes and stopped before we hit the side of a bus that was turning in front of us.
“Sorry, I didn’t see it change,” he said. “You didn’t tell me that you were a little rich kid.”
“I’m not rich!”
“Yes, you are, I should have known,” he said. “How about that.”
I guess a few thousand in the bank was a lot of money if you had none, but I had never particularly thought of myself as a rich kid. If Alex was impressed by my few thousand in the bank, then he would have gone totally ape-shit if I had mentioned the apartment in London that was in my name, and the money that was held in trust for me, gathering interest.
I was relieved to get back to his house in one piece but as I reached for the door handle to get out, he pulled me back.
“Don’t tell anyone else in this house that you have that kind of money, okay? I mean it.”
“Why?”
“Geez, I thought you were smart. Just do as I tell you for once, will you? It’s bad enough that you told me…but they’re even worse.”
He loaded me up with bags of groceries and I walked around the back of the house, which was the preferred entrance for family and friends. The door was open and I could hear voices in the kitchen. One was Brad, and the other was familiar but I couldn’t place it until it was too late.
Jake, craned his neck towards me as I entered the kitchen and his eyes narrowed when he recognised my face.
‘Oh fuck’!
“What the fuck is he doing here,” he said snarling at me. I placed the bags on the floor and prepared myself for a quick exit.
“He’s my brother’s friend,” said Brad. “It’s okay Robbie, you can come in.” I preferred to stay where I was, in the doorway staring at Jake.
“He’s a friend of your bother? Fuck man,” said Jake and he laughed. “How are you feeling, Robbie? They told me you were dead after your accident. Fuck, how did you manage to fall down all those stairs?”
“I was pushed,” I said.
“That’s not what I heard,” he said. “All the witnesses say you fell; probably in a rush to meet up with your boyfriend.”
“Outta the way dude,” I stood aside when I heard Alex behind me, he struggled through the doorway carrying two large bags which he placed on top of the kitchen table before cautiously acknowledging Jake.
“Alex, man. Why are you hanging out with queers?” said Jake and I took a step backwards.
“C’mon Jake, let it go, man,” said Brad. “That’s my brother.”
“I know,” said Jake. “Alex is my buddy but I don’t like his queer English friend over there.”
“What’s your problem, man,” said Alex. I knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep quiet for too long.
Jake held his hands up and laughed. “I haven’t got a problem,” he said turning to Brad. “But I’d be worried if my brother started bringing home homos.”
“You should go,” said Brad.
“I should go? Fuck me, Brad. You gotta be careful man.” Then he turned once more to Alex. “I can’t believe you’re hanging out with fags.” Alex sneered at him and for a moment I thought they were going to start fighting as they stared each other down. Jake was a few inches taller than both of the brothers and a lot wider, but Alex stood his ground until Brad stepped in to end the standoff.
“Fuck off Jake, I don’t want the cops showing up here.” Neither did I, but with Jake seemingly outgunned and ready to leave, I couldn’t resist a parting shot.
“Goodbye Jake; have a nice day,” I said in a mocking tone accompanied by a theatrical limp-wristed wave. It didn’t go down well with any of them, but Jake, in particular, looked as if he was going to burst a blood vessel and I was sure that I saw steam coming from his ears.
“Better keep your boyfriend away from me,” he said to Alex. “Because when I see him next I’m gonna send him back to the fucking hospital. Do you wanna know who pushed you down the stairs queer boy?”
“I know that it wasn’t you Jake,” I said. “You didn’t have the balls to do it yourself.” Before I had even finished talking, Alex had a hold of my arm and was dragging towards the basement stairs. For a moment I thought that Jake was going to follow us, but Brad stepped in front of him to block his path.
Alex had my wrist in a tight grip as he led downstairs. “Nice move shit-for-brains,” he said. “You must have a fucking death wish.” He let me go and stood in front of me. “I can’t believe you just did that. You are so fucking stupid. You gotta learn to keep your mouth shut, especially with people like Jake.”
I shook my head, he was treating me like a little kid, and I didn’t like it. When he walked away, I headed back towards the stairs only for him to yank me back.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Thanks for your help Alex, but I don’t need it anymore.”
“What?”
“I’ve caused enough problems for you and your brother; I’ll get my stuff and go.”
“Oh yeah, and where you gonna go.”
“I know other people, Alex. You’re not the only friend that I have you know.”
“Who?” he said.
“I don’t have to tell you.”
He laughed. Sorry my friend but that’s a bad idea,” he said and he positioned himself in front of the stairs. When I tried to walk around him, he moved to the side to block me and then to the other side.
“You can’t stop me from leaving,” I frowned at him but he just smiled. “Get outta my way, Alex.” I tried to push my way past him but he held fast and pushed me back. I was losing my temper which was a bad thing around Alex but he always seemed to be able to rile me so easily. “YOU’RE FUCKING CRAZY ALEX.”
“Don’t get me angry,” he said but I tell that he already was. “You’re staying here for your own fucking safety. At least until tomorrow.” He pushed me away. “And stop trying to touch me, queer boy.”
At that moment in time, I truly hated him. It was a bad decision to seek refuge at his house; a place where the likes of Jake visited. His drug dealing brother, alcoholic father, his crazy ex-girlfriend. I needed to get out of there as soon as possible and I had a plan.
“Okay,” I said, “you win. I’ll stay.” I sat down on the couch. “But can I get my new clothes?”
“You stay here,” he said. “I’ll get them for you.”
I waited until he was nearly at the top of the stairs before running to the back wall and pulling down the metal ladder.
‘Why do I always end up leaving this way’?
Halfway up the small ladder, I was able to slide the bolt across and throw open the hatch, but as I began climbing out onto the grass, Alex was squatting in front of me.
“You’re an asshole, you know that?” he said and I narrowed my eyes at him before retreating back down the ladder.
When he came downstairs, I was sitting on the couch sulking. I was expecting him to say something but he didn’t utter a word or even look at me. He was carrying the bags with the clothes that I had just bought and I watched him as he casually walked around the room and threw them into his bedroom. Then he came over to where I was sitting and held out his hand.
“Give me your phone,” he said. “NOW!” I reached into my pocket and handed it to him. “Good, now get up, I’m watching the game. You can get changed in my room…GO ON!”
I stood up and marched to his bedroom swearing under my breath as he followed me.
‘At least I have some clean clothes to change into, that actually fit me’.
I pulled Alex’s baggy t-shirt over my head and threw across the room as the door slammed shut behind me. Then I heard a key turning in the lock.
“Sorry buddy,” he said. “But I can’t trust you.”
I took off my shoe and threw it as hard as I could at the door. “I HATE YOU ALEX!”
http://www.gayauthors.org/forums/topic/42134-the-cockney-canuck-by-dodger/
In the next chapter, Robbie becomes a mini celebrity when the police decide to issue a local alert for the missing teenager and Don offers up a reward.
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Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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