18 Weeks of Twoey - 107. Week Sixteen Tuesday, December 16, 2014: Figuring It Out

I tell thee, minstrel, I must weep,

Or else this heavy heart will burst;

For it hath been by sorrow nursed,

And ached in sleepless silence, long;

And now 'tis doomed to know the worst,

And break at once - or yield to song.

- George Gordon Byron

***

No dreams. Rested. I showered and had a small breakfast of only fruit. I kissed Aunt Sarah goodbye and left to join the three guys who picked me up. Walking to school seemed different today. For the first time ever, I didn’t feel any closeness with my best friends. I was like a stranger. When I got to my locker, Donny was waiting. He didn’t feel like a stranger.

“Hey David, if you’re not busy, would you want to help me do some Christmas shopping after your session today? When we’re done we could grab a little food at my house, it’s pretty close to downtown.”

Perfect. That would be a perfect break from my old dishonest life.

“I’m down for that! My appointment is right after school. The doctor is always prompt, so I can meet you at Timmy’s at about 4:30.”

Donny agreed and now I had plans for all of tonight. I would do my homework at Donny’s and wouldn’t have to deal with anybody or anything else.

As I walked into math, Kathy motioned me to come to the back of the room. That was strange. I almost ignored her, but I caved.

“Hey Kathy, what’s up?”

“Yesterday in English, your friend, Twoey, was picked on, a little, by some guys. They called him a fag and other nasty stuff, and even bumped him as they walked by his desk. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know, Kathy. He doesn’t talk to me anymore.”

Returning to my desk, I wrote a short note: Is everything all right? - David. I folded and placed it on his desk. Erik dropped him off as the bell was starting to ring. He flew to his seat. When he read the note, he just nodded his head, but never even looked at me.

Donny waived to me, again, as I entered the cafeteria. When I sat at our table, I couldn’t get involved in much of the lunchtime conversation. In fact, I pretty much stayed within myself the rest of the day. I was working over what needed to be addressed in my session with Dr. Keating. That’s really all I thought about all day. I didn’t even contribute in Adv. Prep ...a first for me. Alex smiled at me but didn’t invade my space as she usually did. Before the end of the period, Randy came over to ask if I was alright. I smiled and said everything was fine.

I didn’t work-out since I didn’t want to get sweaty, so I talked with Biggy and Jack a bit as they did their routines. I finished all my homework during gym class and exhaled as the final bell rang.

I was certainly nervous as I waited for Dr. Keating’s receptionist to give me the go-ahead. I had worked out a little script of the order in which I was going to divulge my issues. I didn’t want us to get side-tracked on less important stuff when my head pains and sexual confusion were the most pressing problems. All that changed though, when he first spoke to me. He said he was concerned I had stopped seeing him. He was concerned about my head pains. He was concerned about the breakdown at my friend’s house.

WTF!

Who the hell told him all this shit! I thought he was supposed to be my therapist! I thought it was me who was supposed to talk to him about my concerns, not someone else!

I became sort of infuriated and clammed up. My hands balled into fists so tight, there were marks on my palms. I just sat there for about half an hour not saying a fucking thing – steaming. This guy was a mistake. My fucking Seagull was a better therapist. At least Sigmund didn’t go around behind my back, talking about me! Finally, I decided to ask something other than what he had been snooping about.

“What does it mean when you dream about fish?”

“Can you describe the dream to me?”

“Dreams.”

“How many?”

“Lots.”

“Is there something in common between them all?”

“Yes. Burch.”

“Is this Burch someone you know?”

“He used to be my social teacher. He was one of the three people who beat me with bats and almost killed me.”

“When did this happen?”

“About a week after the last time I saw you.”

“Is that why you stopped coming here?”

“I’m not sure, but obviously I couldn’t visit you while I was in the hospital recovering.”

“Why did no one tell me this? I’m sorry for what I said earlier. Is that why you didn’t talk for half our time?”

“I was a little upset, yes. I was also upset you knew about my head pains and stuff without me telling you.”

“Then I apologize to you, David. I didn’t know about what happened to you. Dr. Snowbridge only told me about your headaches and breakdown. I thought you knew she did. I thought you told her. Again, I’m sorry.”

“How did she know?”

“You’ll have to ask her. I assumed you told her. Can you tell me more about this Mr. Burch and your dreams?”

And so I did. For once, he was taking furious notes. He asked if I knew Burch when I was a little boy. I told him I did not, and that was why these dreams were so strange.

“I’m going to ask for your permission to call your mother or father. I won’t mention anything you say in this office, but they might be able to give me some background from a time before you can remember. You’re sure you can’t remember anything before you were about eight?”

“Nothing at all. By the way, my mother is dead. You’ll have to ask my father. And I give you permission.”

“When did your mother die?”

“The day before Thanksgiving, but she had already left us to run away with the pastor of our church.”

“David, we have to talk a lot more. Your time is almost up and I have other appointments or I’d have you stay right here. When can we meet again over the next few days?”

“Tomorrow right after school is good for me.”

“Get here as soon as you can, I’ll squeeze you in between a couple of my other appointments. Please, David, don’t skip this meeting!”

He walked me to his door with an arm over my shoulders. He had never done that before. I was sure Dr. Keating thought I was crazy. I’ll probably be sent away soon, but I would be there tomorrow anyway.

After that, I walked into Timmy’s to find Donny, who had a latte waiting for me. We left, carrying our drinks. Donny and I headed downtown. He was bright and chipper and it helped my mood. It seems Donny is the only one who makes me feel good anymore. Maybe he should be added to my growing list of therapists. I also reminded myself that I needed to talk to Ginny. I needed to discover what was going on behind my back. Donny woke me from my daydream.

“I need to buy stuff for my little brother and little sister.”

“How old are they?”

“Pauley is 11 and he likes baseball. Barbara is 13 and she likes boys, but I don’t think we can buy her one of those.” Donny broke into a chuckle, then into a full laugh after he said it and realized the double meaning.

“Sure we can!” I chimed in. “I’ve got a little brother her age. Maybe I’ll wrap Tommy up and put him under your tree.” Now we were both laughing as I limped along with Donny. I think that was the first time I had laughed in like a week. Donny was good for me.

We visited the sports shop first. Donny rejected my suggestions of a jockstrap and then a cup. We tried really, really hard to stay serious ...hehe. When he told me Pauley was a shortstop, I went right over to grab for him the same sunglasses I always use. They’re an amber hue and the ball just jumps out of the background when I wear them. “They’re a little pricey,” I explained, “but there’s nothing like them when playing shortstop in the bright sun!”

“David! That’s such a perfect present. Jeez, am I ever glad you came with me. I’d have been in here for two hours trying to find something.”

We finished-up Pauley by selecting some UnderArmour training shirts and socks. Then we had to turn our attention to Barbara. I didn’t think I could be much help there. We ended up in the book shop, because Donny said she liked to read. He said she liked Harry Potter and science fiction. “Science fiction?” I asked. That seemed improbable for a girl – was I being sexist? Anyway, Donny assured me it was true and recited some writers she liked, but none were from previous generations. So I suggested he get her some books by Ray Bradbury.

“They’re not always science fiction, but they usually seem like they are. Anyway, he was a great writer and your sister really should become acquainted with him. She’ll appreciate him and the beautiful way he wrote.”

He ended up with a little boxed set of four books, all hardbound: The Martian Chronicles, Fahrenheit 451, Dandelion Wine and Something Wicked This Way Comes.

“I promise you Donny, she’s going to fall in love with them.”

He also bought a copy of Playgirl magazine. “I’ll give her this one privately.” We were roaring again, and got some snooty glances!

He looked at me. “You must read a lot. How many books have you read?”

“I don’t know. I don’t count them. I’ve been reading books like forever. It has to be hundreds, at least. But I try to read all different kinds and types. We were even reading old newspapers, from the 1700’s in my new social class and I thought it was so cool. I even read a bunch more on my own. I think when I get a little time this spring, I’ll read some from the Civil War period. That should be really interesting. You learn a lot from what the contemporary people thought of these important events.”

I found myself alive again. That’s what Donny did for me.

I used our shopping opportunity to find a few more things for Tommy, in addition to stuff I got in Syracuse last week. I can’t spoil my little brother too much. He has really always been there for me. He always will. If this stupid life ever gets to be too much for me, he’s probably the only one who’ll miss me ...and I’ll miss him.

We walked over to Donny’s house, which was only a block away. It was an older house, but well kept and big! He introduced me to his mother, who insisted I stay for dinner and she’d drive me home. She didn’t want me walking too far ‘in my condition’ – I almost had to chuckle. We went up to his room and while he hid his presents, I got a chance to look around and see what made Donny tick.

Posters of divers and several diving trophies told me one aspect, for sure. I asked him why he wasn’t diving with the JV team. He said there was no room for freshman divers and anyway the coach wanted to evaluate his swimming ability.

“Well I saw it, and it’s damn good. But you should do what you like the most. That’s what sports are for. They should be fun.”

“At first, I didn’t like the idea of not diving, but racing is starting to get to me. I’m learning more all the time too.”

“Well, only you know what you really are.”

I cringed as I said that, because I sure as hell didn’t!

He shut the door and we stood frozen, staring at each other. I think he was a little afraid of initiating something I didn’t want to do. Either that or he was afraid of triggering another daymare. I knew it was up to me to make the first move. I was trembling a bit as I closed the gap between us and lightly brushed his lips with mine.

“I won’t break. Kiss me.”

We were immediately in each other’s arms and lips. Still trembling, I pushed him away a little, got captured in his beautiful brown eyes and pulled us back together, hard, both meanings. I couldn’t get enough Donny’s kisses. I couldn’t get enough of Donny’s cheeks in my hands. I couldn’t get enough of Donny’s bone rubbing against mine. Our tongues were battling, our hands were roaming, our bodies were molded.

I had to break us apart or I’d be splashing cum into my jeans. We were breathing hard and swimming in our stares. I was all flushed, trembling and panting.

“We’d better wait until after dinner.”

“I was afraid you might get that dream again.”

“I’ve been thinking about that. I even reacted when Alex tried to kiss me. Twice, in fact. Once in the movies last Saturday and once Monday when I broke up with her. Then, of course, with you on Sunday. In each case, I didn’t initiate the action. I think it has to do with somebody doing something to me.”

“Even if you like it?”

“I think especially if I like it. Maybe because, in my dream, Burch keeps telling me I like it. I don’t want to like it, but I do anyway. Is that even possible? It hardly makes sense.”

“Let’s sit down for a minute and talk about this. I’ve been thinking too.” And so we sat on his bed. “Consider this. You are always a young boy in the dream, right?”

“Yes.”

“Can you guess about how old?”

“Hmm – good question. I don’t know, about seven or eight.”

“And you have no memory of your life at about that age.”

“Or before.”

“Have you ever heard of suppressed memories?”

“Sure. Like your mind blocking out things that might hurt you to think about. A serious accident, incurring physical damage, psycholog... oh, shit!”

“You realize if someone rubs your penis it gets hard, right? It’s physiological. Even in the years before you know about sexual desire, it will happen. Are you sure you didn’t know Burch when you were young?”

“I didn’t think I did, but how could I know if I’ve suppressed it?”

“Exactly.”

“But he wouldn’t have suppressed the knowledge.”

“Exactly.”

“So he knew when I was in his class. Do you think he thought I remembered?”

“I don’t know. What do you think?”

“I don’t know. So does this mean that he sexually molested me when I was seven?”

“I can’t say that, but these nightmares and daymares sound like a memory of something like that. What did your therapist say?”

“He didn’t say anything but did seem a little concerned. He wants to meet me tomorrow. He’s going to squeeze me in between appointments. He wants to call my father to get some information. Oh shit! He thinks so too.”

“I knew he was going to take your problem seriously. You'd better clear your schedule every day for a while.”

“Well, I wasted half the session not talking to him.”

“What? Why?”

“He pissed me off about something. But he finally apologized and I brought up my Burch dreams. I didn’t get a chance to tell him about it happening when you were on my lap though. Our time ran out. I guess I’ll tell him that tomorrow.”

At that point Donny hugged me. “Maybe that’s why you can’t be gay. It would be admitting to yourself you liked what Burch did. You realize this doesn’t really mean that, don’t you?”

My tears were now flowing freely. “Yes, I can understand that on an intellectual level, but it doesn’t erase the feeling. I guess I’m sort of ruined for life, huh?”

He squeezed me tighter. “No it doesn’t. It only means you’re human. Let him work with you to free you from feeling any guilt or connecting it to anything in your life today. It was an evil act by an evil man. He could have done it to anybody. He might even have done it to other boys. Other Davids out there somewhere, feeling guilty and confused.”

“The worst thing is that he’s dead. I can’t even spit in his face anymore. Do you think he tried to kill me to keep me quiet?”

“I don’t know and either do you.”

Donny kept hugging me; he wouldn’t let me go. “It’s all right. You’ll be all right. I just know it, you’ll get through this. If you need someone to talk to, you know I’m a good listener. Don’t think you’re alone, David. I’ll always be here for you. There’s always a hug waiting for you.”

I have to admit, it did feel comfortable in his arms.

We separated and he gave me a soft kiss, then showed me his attached bathroom, which was a sweet thing to have. I wished I had one, but our house wasn’t nearly as big as his. I peed and splashed cold water on my face to compose myself. After I straightened my clothes, he came in and did the same. We went down and I met his siblings. Pauley is Donny’s younger clone. When he found out I was a shortstop, he started with a thousand questions. There was hero-worship in his eyes. I guess 11 year olds are easy to impress.

When his sister Barbara joined us, she looked vaguely familiar. Donny introduced us and I told her I had a brother, Tommy, her age.

She just stopped, looked at me and her jaw dropped.

“Is your last name Megal?”

Then I remembered! I’d seen her hanging out with Tommy once, somewhere. Suddenly she was all over me for information about my brother, declaring he was the absolutely cutest boy in the entire school. Donny just grinned.

When he came home, I met Donny’s father, who seemed like a nice enough guy, and soon we were eating. Both parents were interested in my injuries and were surprised when they realized I was the boy who was beaten by the church people.

His father said, “It was the most unsettling and unbelievable news to think something like that could happen in our little town.”

“I guess we can’t underestimate the power of religion.” I uttered it in a disgusted way.

“Honestly! Do you know why they did it?”

“I think they thought I had a demon in me or something. I can’t remember too many details, just a lot of pain and then I woke up in the hospital.”

Thankfully Donny never mentioned Burch, a teacher. I’m not sure I could have relived all that, in particular after what we had just been talking about in his room. As I said, Donny is way more mature than the average freshman. He kisses well too.

After dinner, we went up to ‘do our homework’ but never opened a book. Donny put on some music and we talked and only gently kissed a few times. Thankfully, we had depleted all that pent-up passion earlier. We were much more under control. I think Donny was being a little overly cautious with me. We made a date for Thursday after supper, back here.

Donny and I sat in the back seat on the ride to my house. We didn’t speak, but he placed his hand on top of mine all the way. I floated up to the house. Being with Donny was good for me.

Aunt Sarah spotted me as I walked in. “You look happy. Did your session go that well?”

“I didn’t have enough time to tell him everything he needed to hear, so I have another one tomorrow. But yeah, I guess it’s gonna be OK.”

That’s when Tommy walked into the room. “Hey brother! Going upstairs? I’ll walk with you.”

When we got upstairs, he pulled me into his room and shut the door. “OK, what’s really going on?”

Damn, he’s good!

“I broke up with Alex yesterday. I found out the therapist was talking with Twoey’s mother behind my back and I got so pissed with him, I didn’t say anything for half of my session. Finally, I started talking about my nightmares but we ran out of time. I’ll meet him tomorrow. He’s going to talk to Dad about my younger life because I have no memory from before I was eight. Is that enough of what’s really going on?”

“Shit. By the way, he already talked to Dad. He called during dinner. All I could figure out was that Dad isn’t supposed to talk to you about what they talked about, but I couldn’t hear what they were talking about. What do you mean you broke up with Alex. She was like perfect for you.”

“I know you liked her, Tommy. I do too, you know. It’s just I’m not in love with her. You can’t go with someone if you’re not in love with them. It’s not fair to them.”

“Are you ever going to be in love with someone?”

“Yes. Don’t worry.”

“Of course I’m gonna worry. When your brother’s an idiot, you gotta worry.”

At that, I wished him sweet dreams and left his room.

Tucked into bed, I began wondering why I didn’t feel any deep emotion about being abused as a young boy. It was like another fact in social. What’s wrong with me? When it finally got through to me, what he had done, shouldn’t I have fallen on the floor in a fit? Shouldn’t I have screamed? Cried? Foamed at the mouth? Anything?

Why am I so emotionless about this? Is that part of what Burch did to me? Did he rob me of that too? Or this could be the calm before the storm. Maybe I don’t feel any emotion because I can’t remember. Is that what I have to look forward to if I do remember? Is that what my mind has been protecting me from, by refusing to let me remember? If I never remember, I’ll never be able to come to grips with it, make peace with it. There will always be a barrier preventing me from happiness. Forever.

Is that any way to live?

Twoey

I decided to wait for tomorrow to tell Erik about going to Syracuse on Saturday. First, because Wednesdays are the only days we are alone at his house. Second, being Wednesday he would be in a better mood, he usually is ...hehe. I figured he’d agree that I would need some ‘alone’ shopping time and he hadn’t met Mike yet. So I was sure he would be just fine with the trip.

Some of the kids at school were really being assholes. I was glad that Erik stayed with me almost all the time in school, but he couldn’t be with me during class ...especially in English. There have been some rough moments. David left me a note in math to ask me if I was OK. That meant he knew. I was so embarrassed, I couldn’t even look at him. I just nodded that I was OK.